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Jokes Quotes

Quotes tagged as "jokes" Showing 1-30 of 417
Marilyn Monroe
“I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.”
Marilyn Monroe

Dave Barry
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
Dave Barry

Douglas Adams
“What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water!”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Criss Jami
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
Criss Jami, Killosophy

John Flanagan
“Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.”
John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

Louis C.K.
“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
Louis C.K.

Amy Sedaris
“Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.”
Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Tamora Pierce
“I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.”
Tamora Pierce, Squire

Friedrich Nietzsche
“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

John Cheever
“Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In preparatory school America is beautiful. It is the gem of the ocean and it is too bad. It is bad because people believe it all. Because they become indifferent. Because they marry and reproduce and vote and they know nothing.”
John Cheever

Aristotle
“The gods too are fond of a joke.”
Aristotle

“Sarah Palin uses me as a laugh line in her stump speeches. If you're willing to turn me into a joke, you should also be willing to talk to me.”
Rachel Maddow

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.”
Jim Benton
tags: fun, jokes

John Green
“Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.”
John Green, Let It Snow: Three Holiday Romances

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
tags: agony, anguish, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, as-happy-as-a-clam, beaming, beatific, bliss, blissful, blissfulness, blithe, blue, broken-hearted, buoyant, carefree, chagrin, cheerful, cheerfulness, cheerless, cheery, chirpy, content, contented, contentment, dejected, dejection, delight, delighted, depressed, depression, desolation, despair, despairing, despondency, despondent, disconsolate, dispirited, distress, doleful, dolefulness, down, down-at-the-mouth, down-in-the-dumps, down-in-the-mouth, downcast, downhearted, ecstasy, ecstatic, elated, elation, enjoyment, euphoria, euphoric, exhilarated, exhilaration, exuberance, exultant, face, faces, forlorn, funny, gaiety, glee, gleeful, gloom, gloominess, gloomy, glum, glumness, good-spirits, gratified, grief, grinning, happiness, happy, heartache, heartbroken, hilarious, hole, holes, humor, humorous, humour, hurting, impression, impressions, in-a-good-mood, in-good-spirits, in-seventh-heaven, jocular, jocund, joke, jokes, jollity, jolly, jovial, joviality, joy, joyful, joyfulness, joyless, joyous, jubilant, jubilation, jumping-for-joy, lighthearted, lightheartedness, long-faced, low-spirits, lugubrious, malaise, melancholy, merriment, merry, miserable, misery, morose, mournful, mournfulness, on-a-high, on-cloud-nine, on-top-of-the-world, opinion, opinions, over-the-moon, overjoyed, pain, pit, pits, pleased, pleasure, quotations, quotes, radiant, rapture, rapturous, sad, sadness, satire, satisfaction, satisfied, smiling, sorrow, sorrowful, suffering, sunny, the-blues, thrilled, tickled-pink, torment, transports-of-delight, tribulation, unhappiness, unhappy, untroubled, walking-on-air, well-being, woe, woebegone, woeful, wretchedness

Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Every single person is a fool, insane, a failure, or a bad person to at least ten people.”
Mokokoma Mokhonoana
tags: airhead, aphorism, aphorisms, aphorist, aphorists, around-the-bend, ass, bad, bad-people, bad-person, bananas, batty, birdbrain, blockhead, bonkers, boob, bozo, brainless, buggy, bushed, certifiable, chowderhead, chowderheaded, chump, clod, coot, crack-brained, cracked, crackers, crackpot, crazed, crazy, cretin, cuckoo, daft, dead-loss, demented, deranged, dim, dimwit, dimwitted, dingbat, dipstick, disappointment, disturbed, ditz, dolt, donkey, dope, dork, dud, dullard, dumb, dumb-ass, dumb-cluck, dumbhead, dumbo, dumdum, dummy, dunce, dunderhead, fail, failure, fathead, flake, fool, foolhardy, foolish, funny, galoot, goat, goober, goof, goofball, goofus, goon, half-baked, halfwit, halfwitted, harebrained, hilarious, humor, humorous, humour, idiot, idiotic, ignoramus, ill-advised, ill-considered, imbecile, impolitic, imprudent, incautious, informal-no-hoper, injudicious, insane, insanity, jerk, joke, jokes, jughead, klutz, lamebrain, loco, loony, loopy, loser, lummox, mad, mad-as-a-hatter, meatball, mentally-disordered, mentally-ill, mindless, moron, nerd, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, non-compos-mentis, not-all-there, numbnuts, numbskull, nuts, of-unsound-mind, pea-brained, peabrain, psycho, psychotic, putz, quotations, quotes, rash, reckless, sap, satire, schizophrenic, schlemiel, schlep, schmuck, screwy, silly, simpleton, stark-raving-mad, stupid, thick, thickhead, thoughtless, turkey, twerp, twit, unbalanced, underachiever, unhinged, unintelligent, unstable, unwise, wacko, witless, wooden-headed, write-off, zombie

Noel Fielding
“I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.”
Noel Fielding

Bridget Zinn
“Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?"
"No," Kyra said.
"Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing.
Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.”
Bridget Zinn, Poison

John Green
“Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.”
John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Tao Lin
“It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.”
Tao Lin, Bed: Stories

Lorrie Moore
“Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.”
Lorrie Moore, Like Life

Milo Yiannopoulos
“I want people to be allowed to make jokes about, and discuss, anything they want. I don’t think people should be ostracized for doing so.”
Milo Yiannopoulos, Dangerous

Christopher Hitchens
“Sooner or later, all talk among foreigners in Pyongyang turns to one imponderable subject. Do the locals really believe what they are told, and do they truly revere Fat Man and Little Boy? I have been a visiting writer in several authoritarian and totalitarian states, and usually the question answers itself. Someone in a café makes an offhand remark. A piece of ironic graffiti is scrawled in the men's room. Some group at the university issues some improvised leaflet. The glacier begins to melt; a joke makes the rounds and the apparently immovable regime suddenly looks vulnerable and absurd. But it's almost impossible to convey the extent to which North Korea just isn't like that. South Koreans who met with long-lost family members after the June rapprochement were thunderstruck at the way their shabby and thin northern relatives extolled Fat Man and Little Boy. Of course, they had been handpicked, but they stuck to their line.

There's a possible reason for the existence of this level of denial, which is backed up by an indescribable degree of surveillance and indoctrination. A North Korean citizen who decided that it was all a lie and a waste would have to face the fact that his life had been a lie and a waste also. The scenes of hysterical grief when Fat Man died were not all feigned; there might be a collective nervous breakdown if it was suddenly announced that the Great Leader had been a verbose and arrogant fraud. Picture, if you will, the abrupt deprogramming of more than 20 million Moonies or Jonestowners, who are suddenly informed that it was all a cruel joke and there's no longer anybody to tell them what to do. There wouldn't be enough Kool-Aid to go round. I often wondered how my guides kept straight faces. The streetlights are turned out all over Pyongyang—which is the most favored city in the country—every night. And the most prominent building on the skyline, in a town committed to hysterical architectural excess, is the Ryugyong Hotel. It's 105 floors high, and from a distance looks like a grotesquely enlarged version of the Transamerica Pyramid in San Francisco (or like a vast and cumbersome missile on a launchpad). The crane at its summit hasn't moved in years; it's a grandiose and incomplete ruin in the making. 'Under construction,' say the guides without a trace of irony. I suppose they just keep two sets of mental books and live with the contradiction for now.”
Christopher Hitchens, Love, Poverty, and War: Journeys and Essays

Walker Percy
“People usually told him the same joke two or three times.”
Walker Percy
tags: jokes

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