Jokes Quotes

Quotes tagged as "jokes" Showing 1-30 of 332
Marilyn Monroe
“I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one.”
Marilyn Monroe

Dave Barry
“Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.”
Dave Barry

Douglas Adams
“What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"Ask a glass of water!”
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Criss Jami
“Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”
Criss Jami, Killosophy

John Flanagan
“Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?'
'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he likes to think he is making a joke, yes.”
John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

Louis C.K.
“Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man.”
Louis C.K.

Amy Sedaris
“Don't answer the door in a wedding dress and veil, he might not think you're joking.”
Amy Sedaris, I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence

Tamora Pierce
“I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.”
Tamora Pierce, Squire

Friedrich Nietzsche
“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“They all laughed when I said I'd become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.”
Bob Monkhouse, Crying With Laughter: My Life Story

John Cheever
“Our country is the best country in the world. We are swimming in prosperity and our President is the best president in the world. We have larger apples and better cotton and faster and more beautiful machines. This makes us the greatest country in the world. Unemployment is a myth. Dissatisfaction is a fable. In preparatory school America is beautiful. It is the gem of the ocean and it is too bad. It is bad because people believe it all. Because they become indifferent. Because they marry and reproduce and vote and they know nothing.”
John Cheever

Aristotle
“The gods too are fond of a joke.”
Aristotle

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
“A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.”
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, The Waste Books

John Green
“Tobin," Mom said disapprovingly. She wasn't a particularly funny person. It suited her professionally - I mean, you don't want your cancer surgeon to walk into the examination room and be like, "Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'What'll ya have?' And the guy says, 'Whaddya got?' And the bartender says, 'I don't know what I got, but I know what you got: Stage IV melanoma.”
John Green, Let It Snow: Three Holiday Romances

Jim Benton
“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.”
Jim Benton
tags: fun, jokes

Rachel  Maddow
“Sarah Palin uses me as a laugh line in her stump speeches. If you're willing to turn me into a joke, you should also be willing to talk to me.”
Rachel Maddow

George Eliot
“Can anything be more disgusting than to hear people called 'educated' making small jokes about eating ham, and showing themselves empty of any real knowledge as to the relation of their own social and religious life to the history of the people they think themselves witty in insulting? [...] The best thing that can be said of it is, that it is a sign of the intellectual narrowness—in plain English, the stupidity which is still the average mark of our culture.”
George Eliot

Noel Fielding
“I don't really like jokes in a way. I mean gags are fine but I like weird moments where what you have isn't really a joke, just tiny moments.”
Noel Fielding

Bridget Zinn
“Okay, that one's pretty good," Fred acknowledged, after she'd told him a particularly filthy joke. "But have you heard the one about the baker's wife?"
"No," Kyra said.
"Rumor has it, she married him for his buns." Fred burst out laughing.
Kyra groaned. "Okay, that was just bad.”
Bridget Zinn, Poison

Lewis Carroll
“What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.”
Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There

John Green
“Where do you come up with these zingers, Clint? Do you own some kind of joke factory in Indonesia where you've got eight-year-olds working ninety hours a week to deliver you that kind of top-quality witticism? There are boy bands with more original material.”
John Green, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Tao Lin
“It sometimes seemed to him that for love to work, it had to be fair, that he should tell only half the joke, and she the other half. Otherwise, it would not be love, but something completely else–pity or entertainment, or stand-up comedy.”
Tao Lin, Bed

Lorrie Moore
“Nothing is a joke with me. It just all comes out like one.”
Lorrie Moore, Like Life

Eric Kent Edstrom
“Breyona didn’t have to force a laugh. “Fellowship? Who do you think you are? Freedo the hobbit?”
“It’s Frodo,” he said over his shoulder. “And if I was a character from L.O.T.R., I’d obviously by Strider.” Shaking his head, he continued down the trail, mumbling obscenities.
“What is L.O.T.R.?” Shiv asked. “Who is this Freedo?”
Both questions brought exasperated sighs from Bronson. “It stands for Lord of the Rings. Don’t you ever see any movies?”
“Weren’t they books before they were movies?” Em asked.
“They wrote them after,” Bronson said.
Breyona winked at Danny. “That Freedo was hot,” she said loud enough for Bronson to hear. “Even with those dumb-ass furry feet, he’s my kind of cute.”
Bronson threw his hands up. “Frodo. It’s Frodo. And he’s not hot!”
Eric Edstrom, Undermountain

Milo Yiannopoulos
“I want people to be allowed to make jokes about, and discuss, anything they want. I don’t think people should be ostracized for doing so.”
Milo Yiannopoulos, Dangerous

John Steinbeck
“Fella says today, 'Depression is over. I seen a jackrabbit, an' they wasn't nobody after him.' An' another fella says, 'That aint the reason. Can't afford to kill jackrabbits no more. Catch 'em and milk 'em an' turn 'em loose. One you seen prob'ly gone dry.”
John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

Kimberly Novosel
“If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.”
Kimberly Novosel, Loved

Helen Thomas
“Q: What do Jesus and Nicole Brown Simpson have in common? A: They were both killed by the Joooooooose.”
Helen Thomas

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