Terri Cole's Blog, page 14

695 Manage Your Energy (Not Time) with Heather Chauvin

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“If we culturally valued time the way we value money, would we invest our time differently?” – Heather Chauvin

Intro

Becoming a mother at 18 turned Heather from a self-described under-achiever into a high-functioning codependent. Receiving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis at 28 was the wake-up call that reminded her to live for herself. Heather shares her story, tells how she learned the role of internal resistance in positive change, and gives you tips that will help you take back control when you feel like you just don’t have enough time.

Highlights:2:40 Heather’s origin story– How a stage 4 cancer diagnosis helped her realize she needed to align her life and her values6:00 The biggest lessons Heather remembers from her cancer diagnosis and treatment16:40 Heather’s relationship to time and energy21:20 Where to start if you feel like you just don’t have enough time27:00 The role resistance plays in positive change and recognizing your boundaries32:45 How Heather overcame her biggest personal boundary struggleConnect with Heather Chauvin

Heather Chauvin is a leadership coach who helps ‘successful’ women courageously and authentically live, work, and parent on their own terms. Heather started her career as a social worker helping adults understand children’s behavior. But it wasn’t until 2013 when a stage 4 cancer diagnosis pushed her to take a deeper stand for change, uncovering how cultural expectations sabotage our dreams. She has been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur, Real Simple Magazine, Mind Body Green, Google, and more. When Heather isn’t working, you will find her living out what she teaches which may include kayaking Alaska, snowboarding, hiking, or anything else that challenges what she believes is possible for herself (and inviting her children along the journey). Life is full of opportunities. It’s time to feel alive.

Website: https://www.heatherchauvin.com/

IG: https://instagram.com/heatherchauvin_

Podcast: https://www.heatherchauvin.com/podcast

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Protect Your Peace: 7 Techniques to Soothe Your Nervous System in 2025

How are you actually doing in this turbulent world we’re living in right now?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or ungrounded, you’re not alone. The constant barrage of negative news, social media alerts, and global uncertainty can take a serious toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

The good news? You are more resilient than you think. But being proactive about protecting your peace isn’t just nice to have – it’s essential for navigating these challenging times.

In this week’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m sharing practical techniques to soothe your nervous system and ground yourself, even during the most turbulent times. Plus, I’ve created a special guided meditation that you can download and use whenever you need a few minutes of calm.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

7 Ways to Protect Your Peace1. Limit Negative News Consumption

I’ve had to be ruthless about this in my own life lately. The news is everywhere, and it’s designed to keep us engaged through fear and outrage.

Take control by:

Reading news instead of watching it (this gives you the power to stop reading if it becomes too activating)Unfollowing accounts on social media that leave you feeling drainedSetting specific times to check news instead of constant updates

I’ve even had to stop watching late-night comedians – no matter how “funny” their take on current events might be, I found myself feeling more anxious afterward.

2. Listen to Your Body’s Signals

Your body is constantly communicating with you about what’s too much and when you need to rest.

Watch out for your body when you feel:

Tension in your shoulders, jaw, or stomachChanges in your breathing patternFeeling mentally foggy or emotionally reactive

These are all signs that your nervous system needs support. Don’t wait until you’re completely overwhelmed to take action.

3. Develop a Meditation Practice

During a recent interview with Yung Pueblo (Diego Perez), we discussed how a regular meditation practice transformed our lives. For me, just 10-20 minutes of daily meditation gave me an additional 2-3 seconds of response time in challenging situations.

Those few seconds made all the difference between reacting impulsively and choosing a thoughtful response. If meditation seems intimidating, start small:

Set a timer for just 2 minutesTry the universal mantra “So Hum” (silently repeat “So” on your inhale and “Hum” on your exhale)Remember: thoughts aren’t the enemy – when you notice your mind wandering, gently bring it back to your focus

If my busy brain (which Dr. Daniel Amen once called “the busiest brain I’ve ever seen” after seeing my brain scan) can be calmed by meditation, I promise yours can too!

4. Move Your Body Regularly

Movement isn’t just good for your physical health – it’s one of the most effective ways to regulate your nervous system and release tension. If you’re not currently exercising:

Start small with 5-10 minutes of gentle movementChoose activities you genuinely enjoyRemember that consistency matters more than intensity

YouTube is an incredible free resource for incorporating movement into your daily routine. Whether you’re looking for gentle stretching, energizing yoga flows, or fun rebounding workouts, there’s something for every fitness level. The platform hosts thousands of qualified instructors sharing everything from 5-minute desk stretches to full hour-long workouts. You don’t need fancy equipment or expensive gym memberships – simply search for the type of movement that appeals to you, find an instructor whose style resonates, and press play.

5. Create Sensory Anchors for Calm

I love using essential oils as part of my calming routine. My favorite is a blend called “Unwind” from Sage – just smelling it signals my body that it’s time to relax. This works through a Pavlovian response; your body learns to associate specific sensory experiences with relaxation.

Find what works for you:

A special scentA nontoxic candleSoft music or nature soundsA cozy blanket or cushion

When you encounter a triggering situation, simply engaging with your chosen sensory anchor can signal to your brain and body that you’re safe. This works because your nervous system has already created a positive association with that scent, sound, or texture. It’s a way to build an emotional shortcut back to calm – one that becomes more powerful with consistent practice.

6. Practice Better Boundaries

Discerning what (and who) you allow into your energy field is essential for protecting your peace. This includes:

Digital boundaries around technology useSocial boundaries around difficult conversationsTime boundaries to ensure you have space for restorative practices7. Seek Community

We need each other more than ever. Finding a safe and supportive community can be incredibly nourishing during difficult times. If you’re looking for connection, I invite you to join my Terri Cole Membership, where we meet live every week in a safe and sacred container.

I’ve created this beautiful, supportive space and made it affordable so you can give yourself the gift of community (our crew) and guidance (from moi!). The membership gives you access to incredible resources, but most importantly, it provides a safe and sacred container where you can feel supported as you navigate these challenging times.

Ready to join our community? Go to terricole.com/tcm to learn more and become part of our supportive circle. You don’t have to do this alone!

Your Safety & Protection Meditation

Inside this week’s guide, you’ll find the audio version of my Safety & Protection Meditation. This 8-minute practice is all about creating more feelings of security and safety – not just in the physical sense but in a deeper emotional and spiritual way, too.

So many of you have been telling me you’re feeling overstimulated, anxious, and ungrounded. This meditation is explicitly designed to bring you back to yourself and create a sacred space within where you can feel safe and protected, even when the outside world doesn’t feel that way.

This meditation will help you:

Release stress and tensionConnect with your inner sanctuaryUplevel feelings of protection and safety, regardless of what’s happening in the external world

This meditation isn’t just something to listen to – it’s an experience to fully immerse yourself in. Give yourself the gift of your own presence (which we rarely do) and create a sacred moment of peace.

Remember, you don’t need to implement all seven practices simultaneously. Choose just one or two to do daily and notice how they affect your sense of groundedness and peace.

We are all in this together. I am here to help you get through this time and believe in your inherent resilience and strength.

I hope this added value to your life today. If it did, please share it with someone who might need it!

Remember, as always, take care of you.

694 Protect Your Peace: 7 Techniques to Soothe Your Nervous System in 2025

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“You can read your news instead of watching your news. That gives you the power to stop reading if it becomes too activating.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

How are you actually doing in this turbulent world we’re living in right now?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or ungrounded, you’re not alone. The constant barrage of negative news, social media alerts, and global uncertainty can take a serious toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

The good news? You are more resilient than you think. But being proactive about protecting your peace isn’t just nice to have – it’s essential for navigating these challenging times.

In this week’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m sharing practical techniques to soothe your nervous system and ground yourself, even during the most turbulent times. Plus, I’ve created a special guided meditation that you can download and use whenever you need a few minutes of calm.

Highlights:4:50 Limit your exposure to the news, or read instead of watch6:20 Regularly do something to soothe and calm the nervous system8:10 Take time to move your body11:50 Be kind to yourself and make the best assumptions of others13:15 My live, guided meditation on security and safety for youLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

693 Better Mental Health with Karena Dawn

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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“The more we share and open up, the more connected we become.” – Karena Dawn

Intro

Today I’m sharing a chat with Karena Dawn, a second-time guest on the show! Since we spoke last, she’s been hard at work writing as well as continuing to develop a platform around wellness and mental health awareness. We chat about her new memoir The Big Silence, in which she shares the story of how she and her family coped with her mother’s schizophrenia during a time when people struggled to discuss mental health openly. Plus, she tells us the secret to building a successful community which can become a successful brand.

Highlights:3:15 The inspiration behind Karena’s new book, The Big Silence, and the mental health awareness platform she has created8:30 Normalizing conversations around mental health9:40 How Karena is working to provide therapy to those who can’t afford it through her Therapy for All program11:30 Karena’s knack for building community16:30 How Karena integrates mindfulness, meditation, and spirituality into her wellness routine21:45 Introducing your partner to meditationConnect with Karena Dawn

For more than a decade Karena Dawn has empowered millions of women around the world to live their healthiest and happiest lives. Her lifelong passion for fitness, mindfulness, and spiritual empowerment has made her a leader in the wellness space.

Dawn has been featured in Forbes for creating a “fitness empire” and on the
Create & Cultivate 100 List honoring women who are masters in their field. She has also headlined the POPSUGAR Play/Ground Festival and has been a keynote speaker at the PoWer Up Women’s Conference. She is a mindful meditation coach for Chopra Global, and a regularly featured speaker and instructor for TED Women, and other national platforms.

The Big Silence: https://thebigsilence.com/
Website: https://karenadawn.com
Therapy For All program: https://thebigsilence.com/pages/therapy-for-all

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Navigating Codependent Relationships When You’re in Recovery + They’re Not

Are you in a relationship with a high-functioning codependent (HFC)?

Are both you and your partner HFCs?

In my experience, HFCs tend to flock together. Many of my friends identify as HFCs, and my husband is also an HFC.

Some of you have asked how to navigate relationships with fellow HFCs, especially as you get into recovery and become more aware of (and perhaps annoyed by) their behavior.

If you can relate, this episode is for you because I’m talking about the dynamics of high-functioning codependency in relationships, how I’ve managed this in my marriage, and steps you can take to stay on your side of the street while shifting this dynamic into a healthier space.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is High-Functioning Codependency?

In case you need a quick refresher, high-functioning codependency is when you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, circumstances, relationships, careers, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace.

HFCs often attract or inspire others to under-function, which can lead to doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves. There’s an imbalance in effort, activity, and thinking about the relationship.

The reason I wanted to do this episode is because a fan of the podcast wrote in saying she’s in recovery and her husband is still an active HFC with his family of origin. She wants to know how to navigate this dynamic because she’s getting the short end of the stick!

When Two High-Functioning Codependents Get Together

Vic and I are both HFCs, and it worked for us initially because we both took turns dividing and conquering in different areas. We were naturally compatible.

However, in the beginning, there was a lot of unasked-for advice coming both ways. This came to a head when a rep embezzled a bunch of money from him.

I was pissed and wanted to involve lawyers to get all the money back. I was so busy plotting and scheming that I didn’t even ask Vic what he thought he should do. (I was way more hot-headed back then!)

Thankfully, I had a therapist who said, “Maybe you need to see what he thinks he should do about this.”

So I asked Vic, “Babe, how can I best support you in this situation?”

He said, “Have faith that I’ll get it done and get it done my way.”

As soon as I put it down (because it wasn’t mine to handle!), he indeed got all of the money back, without lawyers, and maintained a relationship with the person. (Her accountant had died and she had a drinking problem- neither of us wanted her to go to jail.)

Stepping back from trying to control the situation and respecting his right to do it his way was way better for my marriage.

We also did couples therapy to move away from auto-advice giving and into asking, “What do you think you should do?” “Do you need to vent?” “Are we brainstorming?” “How can I best support you?”

Making this switch was a game-changer for all of my relationships, and you’ll find these questions (and more) inside the guide.

High-Functioning Codependent Friends & Family

Many of my closest girlfriends are highly capable women, and the ones who aren’t in recovery from HFC sometimes offer unasked-for advice.

If you have friends like this, I suggest you get proactive and say, “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain and want to talk to you about it, but I’m not looking for input. I don’t need any fixes. I need you to be my pal and simply listen with a compassionate ear.”

In my opinion, the greatest flex when it comes to actual love is not fixing other people’s problems.

It’s having the emotional courage and fortitude to be in the foxhole with someone during their dark night of the soul and compassionately holding space for the pain they’re in without making suggestions.

I’m not saying you can never share your thoughts with a friend, especially if you have lived experience that might be helpful. I just don’t want it to be the first thing you do.

Trying to fix people is dehumanizing. People do not want to be treated like projects.

Do you have family members who offer unsolicited thoughts or advice?

Sometimes, my mom still can’t wait to tell me what she thinks I should do about certain things.

Back when I got healthy and in recovery from HFC, I had to say, “Mom, if you keep giving me advice I’m not asking for, that I’m not going to take, I will stop talking to you about things that are on my heart.”

She was not psyched with that, but guess what? She got better and better. However, I had to tell her she didn’t know what I should do more than I did, and that suggestions weren’t what I needed. It was what she needed because she was uncomfortable with my pain.

I had to ask her to build up her tolerance and to be uncomfortable with my pain because I needed to be witnessed in it.

How to Stay on Your Side of the Street

Once you get into recovery from HFC and begin experiencing more freedom, you might get the urge to encourage others to get into recovery, too.

But they’re not always quick to follow, and we have to be mindful of slipping into old habits and giving unsolicited advice on this. Everyone has a right to their journey.

Here are a few suggestions on how to shift into healthier relating while staying on your side of the street.

The first thing we can do is set better boundaries. Scripts for what to say are in the guide, but you can say things like, “I’m not seeking input,” or, “I’m looking for a compassionate ear.”

With friends, you can lead by example and share your insights and experiences with them. You could mention that you read Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency and how it’s worked wonders for you.

For romantic relationships, a weekly or biweekly State of the Union offers space to shine a light on codependent behaviors you’re both trying to work on. You could share gratitudes of where you’re doing less, and discuss areas that need work.

These recurring dates also normalize having hard conversations and make bringing issues up earlier much easier.

Spend time reflecting on your 50% of the dynamic in your relationships. How might you contribute in ways that are unhealthy?

Consider doing a relationship inventory for all of your close connections. (Questions and instructions on how to do this are in the guide.) When you get clear on which relationships drain you and which fill your cup, the changes you need to make become clearer.

Let me know: are you in a relationship with a fellow HFC? Are your friends HFCs? Are you having trouble navigating the tension of being in recovery while they’re not? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Calling seekers and women who want to evolve in their lives! I invite you to join the most favorite thing I ever created, which is the Terri Cole Membership. I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month where you get the chance to have me coach you on any issue you want my input on. I love snuggling up to my community and creating this sacred container. It’s a soft place to land in a hard world. Get all the details and join us here.

692 Navigating Codependent Relationships When You’re in Recovery + They’re Not

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Love is not fixing other people’s problems. It’s having the emotional courage and fortitude to be in the foxhole with someone during a dark night of the soul for them and being able to hang there with them, compassionately holding space for the pain they’re in without making a suggestion, without trying to fix them. That is aspirational.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

Are you in a relationship with a high-functioning codependent (HFC)?

Are both you and your partner HFCs?

In my experience, HFCs tend to flock together. Many of my friends identify as HFCs, and my husband is also an HFC.

Some of you have asked how to navigate relationships with fellow HFCs, especially as you get into recovery and become more aware of (and perhaps annoyed by) their behavior.

If you can relate, this episode is for you because I’m talking about the dynamics of high-functioning codependency in relationships, how I’ve managed this in my marriage, and steps you can take to stay on your side of the street while shifting this dynamic into a healthier space.

Highlights:5:15 A refresher on high-functioning codependency11:15 How I resolved my own HFC relationship dynamic with my husband Vic14:00 Finding the courage to be present with others’ suffering without trying to fix it17:50 More common HFC relationship dynamicsLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

691 Tap into Optimism to Create a Better Life with Meaghan B Murphy

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Nothing’s ever going to be perfect. It’s going to be perfectly messy and perfectly chaotic and perfectly okay.” – Meaghan B Murphy

Intro

Today’s guest has brought optimism and mindfulness to the interior design and DIY space like nobody else I know! I chat with Meaghan about how she got into decorating, writing, and editing– and how she maintains the pragmatic, positive mindset that helps her navigate her success. Plus: How parenting can offer special challenges and lessons for high-functioning codependents like Meaghan and I.

Highlights:2:30 Meaghan shares her origin story6:55 How optimism served Meaghan in the difficult parts of her life – Then and now8:30 Meaghan’s decision to have a preventative double mastectomy 14:30 Why “onward” is one of Meaghan’s mantras19:00 How the field of positive psychology has shaped Meaghan’s life22:00 The obstacles and lessons that parenting has in store for high-functioning codependents27:00 How Meaghan got her passion for holidays32:15 Meaghan’s biggest boundary struggle and how she overcame itConnect with Meaghan B Murphy

Meaghan is a longtime magazine editor, author, podcaster, on-air personality, speaker, and home-hack master. Following a six-year stint as the executive editor at Good Housekeeping, Meaghan was named editor-in-chief of Woman’s Day in 2020, charged with re-energizing the legacy brand. 

Along with guiding Woman’s Day creative vision, Meaghan promotes WD in the media as a regular guest expert on shows like Today and Live with Kelly and Mark. You’ll also find her on corporate stages across the country, delivering powerful keynotes inspired by her acclaimed self-help book, Your Fully Charged Life. 

She also plays the fairy-godmother-style host of the new reality show My Perfect Day with Woman’s Day on Hearst Television’s own Very Local streaming platform. 

Website: https://meaghanbmurphy.com

IG: https://instagram.com/meaghanbmurphy

Community: https://instagram.com/theyaylist

Clothing: https://minnierose.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Is Flaking the New Self-Care…or Selfish? A Therapist’s Take

Is flaking – canceling at the last second – the new self-care?

It seems to be on the rise and according to an article in The Guardian, the answer for some people is yes.

I disagree.

Flaking is avoidable with healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, and there are many self-care practices we can do that don’t involve regularly canceling on others.

In this episode, I share my thoughts on flaking, explore the nuances of having the right to change our minds (which I stand by), and detail steps to take for actual self-care in your life.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Is Flaking On the Rise?

The Guardian article highlights the prevalence of flaking at the last minute not only on everyday plans but on major things like weddings and funerals.

This isn’t just, “I don’t feel like going to brunch.” It’s bigger. Folks say they’re burnt out and exhausted and need to flake for their mental health.

From a psychosocial standpoint, what is happening?

While we don’t have scientific data on this, I don’t think we can discount the impact endlessly being on our phones and social media has on us.

I recently spoke to a friend who had invited a group of pals to hang out at her place for a weekend. From the moment they woke up and gathered over coffee to the moment they went to bed, they all scrolled on their phones.

Sure, they were talking, but what happens to our relationships when we don’t give people our full attention?

Disconnection.

It’s also what I call living life ‘lite’ because if you spend half your time scrolling on your phone, you’re not fully present.

‘Flaking as self-care’ and the normalization of constantly having a screen in your face aren’t healthy, and both drastically decrease the quality of your relationships.

The other reason flaking may be on the rise is because there aren’t any real consequences to it.

Years ago, before phones and the internet, you usually dated someone you knew. Ghosting wasn’t really a thing because you’d likely either run into them again at church or the supermarket or face some questions from mutual connections.

Dating locally meant having social pressure to behave a certain way and consequences for behaving poorly.

This kind of pressure isn’t always good, but it helped us consider other people and not just ourselves back then.

The Nuances of ‘You Have the Right to Change Your Mind’

One of my Boundary Boss Bill of Rights is that you have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, and to change your mind.

You may wonder, “But Terri, if flaking is bad, doesn’t that mean I should do things out of obligation and not change my mind?”

No. I still believe you have the right to change your mind and say no to things you don’t want to do.

But you need to be thoughtful and considerate when doing so and stop giving your word to things you don’t want to do.

It’s reasonable to expect people to keep their word, and you also have the option to say no rather than saying yes and regretting it later.

The truth is we build relationships by showing up for people, not by flaking on them.

Having relationships with anyone requires compromise and putting in the effort. Sometimes, that means doing things you don’t necessarily want to do because you love the person.

A daughter of one of my closest friends invited me to her baby shower 3 ½ hours away (7 hours round-trip). Even though my week was packed, and even though it only lasted 1 ½ hours, I made the effort to be there.

I did what I wanted, which is what I said I would do because I love my friend and her daughter and I can’t wait to be a great auntie to this baby girl.

I’m willing to be inconvenienced for love, connection, devotion, loyalty, and friendship. The baby shower was important to my friend and so it was important to me.

To have truly healthy relationships, we need to compromise. I’m not talking about putting up with abuse or doing things that go against our values. I just mean making an effort.

Real, lasting friendships don’t just happen. They happen with intention and attention.

Trust me, I’ve had the same friends my entire life. Flaking on people is not how you create healthy relationships.

The Cost of Flaking

Equating flaking and self-care downplays how damaging flaking can be to our relationships. They’re not even in the same category!

The truth is that regularly not following through on our commitments makes us emotionally untrustworthy because we can’t be counted on to follow through.

I love many people who say they’ll do everything and show up maybe 50% of the time…I love them, but I don’t trust them. I wouldn’t rely on them in an emergency.

The folks who are in my VIP section are the ones who will show up for me no matter what because I do the same for them.

So, what is self-care, and how can you avoid flaking because you feel exhausted or burnt out? Let’s look at a few options.

Flaking is Avoidable! Here’s What To Do Instead

In the article, many people said they thought something sounded like a good idea at the time but didn’t feel like doing it on the day.

We all feel this way sometimes. I often want to stay in, watch Netflix, and cuddle with my dog and Vic.

But I also value being someone who keeps their word. If I said I was coming to your event, I’m coming because I said I would.

If you share this value, here are a few ways to avoid flaking.

First, stop automatically saying yes to everything. Give yourself time to respond. Say, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll get back to you!”

I have scripts inside the guide that you can use to give a tentative answer rather than a yes, which is much easier to walk back!

You also need to know yourself and your rhythms. I don’t make appointments on certain days and times when I know I’ll want more freedom in my schedule.

Do you like to be in bed early? Don’t commit to anything past 9 pm. Want weekends to yourself? Suggest meeting on Thursdays instead.

Before making plans, look at your calendar and consider what’s happening (or likely to happen) on and around that day.

Do you flake because you’re exhausted? Determine what drains and energizes you and set boundaries to protect and reclaim your time and energy.

You can also lovingly say no to things. When I want to rest and be home with Vic, I tell my friends (if I haven’t already committed to something) and expect them to understand.

The guide includes scripts for lovingly declining invitations and tips for avoiding flaking.

I’ll leave you with this thought: trusting relationships require integrity and honesty. Only you can be responsible for the amount of integrity you bring into your life and the world.

Integrity means telling the truth about how we feel and what we need, planning appropriately, taking responsibility for our commitments, and following through.

I’m curious to know your thoughts on flaking. Have you flaked on people before or been flaked on? How did it feel? Will you use any of these suggestions to stop flaking? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Want to be in a community with people who show up for each other? Then consider joining my membership! Inside, I host four Q&A calls each month where I answer questions from members, and you also get access to four of my signature courses. Get all the details and join us here.

690 Is Flaking the New Self-Care…or Selfish? A Therapist’s Take

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“I think that it’s reasonable to expect people to keep their word. So stop giving your word to things if you’re not going to do them!” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

Is flaking – canceling at the last second – the new self-care?

It seems to be on the rise and according to an article in The Guardian, the answer for some people is yes.

I disagree.

Flaking is avoidable with healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, and there are many self-care practices we can do that don’t involve regularly canceling on others.In this episode, I share my thoughts on flaking, explore the nuances of having the right to change our minds (which I stand by), and detail steps to take for actual self-care in your life.

Highlights:3:40 Why would someone say flaking is self-care, and what’s actually happening?6:20 How dating has changed since the last century10:00 The way flaking (being unreliable) can damage your relationships14:20 Exercising the right to change your mind while remaining thoughtful to others17:30 Giving your relationships intention and attention19:20 Taking back the freedom to give a “maybe” or a “no” instead of bailing on a “yes”Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

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SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

689 Building Your ‘Unicorn Team’ with Jen Kem

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“If I wanted to open doors, I had to replace my highest value of ambition with autonomy. I realized in that moment that I am going to pursue a life of autonomy, not just ambition.” – Jen Kem

Intro

Jen Kem has spent her career marketing for some of the biggest corporate and personal brands–and today, she’s sharing some tips to help you launch your next big idea! We chat about how Jen’s leadership types model can help you construct the team that will help you reach your goals, how structure can help you let go of team members when they no longer serve you in a new season of your career, and Jen’s childhood being told that women needed to be everything at once.

Highlights:3:20 How Jen’s family of origin provided both support and obstacles11:50 The roadblocks Jen faced in writing her most recent book, and how she knew now was the time to write it despite them17:00 The source of Jen’s persistence in the face of adversity23:00 Why you need a structure to help you achieve your business and personal goals25:00 How the leadership types model can help you build your unicorn team– Or your relationship!29:05 The most common mistakes people make in building an effective teamConnect with Jen Kem

Named as a top brand strategist by Forbes, Jen Kem specializes in launching innovative ideas with high-performing teams. Kem’s Unicorn Innovation Model has been used by iconic brands like the Oprah Winfrey Network, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and Oracle, as well as numerous New York Times bestselling authors, keynote speakers, and business and thought leaders.

In her book Unicorn Team: The Nine Leadership Types You Need to Launch Your Big Ideas with Speed and Success, Kem shares the innovation playbook on how to build the most collaborative, harmonious, and motivated team to achieve extraordinary results. Originally from Hawaii, Kem lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and kids.

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?