Terri Cole's Blog

Why You Keep Getting Ghosted (and What the Father Wound Has to Do With It)

 

Have you ever been ghosted, breadcrumbed, or found yourself stuck in yet another situationship, wondering, How did I end up here again?

If so, you are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, we are unpacking what these painful experiences can teach you about your deeper relational patterns because it is rarely just about that one person who vanished or strung you along.

More often, it is about an emotional blueprint you downloaded early in life, one that may have roots in what I call the father wound.

This is not a post about blame. It is about clarity, compassion, and learning how to stop confusing drama for intimacy.

https://youtu.be/fvbHM6fenTM

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and the Illusion of Connection

Let’s start by defining what we are talking about.

Ghosting is not the same as a breakup. It happens when someone vanishes without a trace. One day they are texting, and the next, silence. No explanation. No closure. Just gone.

Breadcrumbing happens when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but never enough to feel secure. They may reach out when you start to pull away. They may flirt, promise, or pop back in just often enough to make you wonder if things could work, but their effort never lasts.

It is confusing, painful, and it chips away at your self-esteem.

If you have experienced this more than once, if ghosting or emotional inconsistency feels like a pattern in your relationships, that is a signal to pause and look deeper. These patterns rarely begin in adulthood.

The Hidden Blueprint: Understanding the Father Wound

A father wound is the emotional injury left when a father figure is absent, rejecting, inconsistent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable.

The impact is not limited to childhood. The father wound can shape how you relate, attach, and interpret love for the rest of your life unless you bring it into awareness and heal it.

I know this wound intimately.

My father was not cruel or explosive. He was quiet, distant, and uninterested. He did not play with us, talk with us, or seem to want to know us. By the time my parents divorced when I was 13, I estimate that we had exchanged maybe fifty words in my entire life.

That silence, that emotional absence, taught me something dangerous: If I am not being loved the way I need, it must be because of me.

As children, we would rather believe we are flawed than face the unbearable truth that a parent might be limited in their capacity to love us. That belief becomes part of our subconscious blueprint: Love is inconsistent. I must work for attention. I have to earn love.

Even decades later, we can find ourselves drawn to people with whom we recreate that dynamic.

How the Father Wound Shows Up in Adult Relationships

When you grow up with emotional inconsistency, your nervous system learns to equate longing with love.

You may unconsciously seek out partners who feel familiar, not necessarily safe or healthy, but familiar. Your system craves the same pattern because it is what it knows.

This is called a repetition compulsion, the subconscious drive to recreate unresolved emotional situations in the hope of a different outcome. It is like the little kid inside you searching for a do-over, thinking, Maybe this time, I will be enough for them to stay.

But it rarely works, because the wound is internal, not external.

That is why being ghosted or breadcrumbed can feel so devastating. It is not just about the person who disappeared. It is about the original abandonment that taught your body love could vanish without warning.

When someone pulls away, your adult mind may say, It is fine, I barely know them. But your nervous system feels the same panic you once felt as a child. That is transference, when your current emotional reaction is amplified by unresolved pain from the past.

I have seen this dynamic again and again in my therapy practice. Clients will panic when a date does not text back, even if they are not sure if they even like the person. That may be the father wound talking, not the present reality.

My “Lightbulb” Moment

For years, I believed I had broken my old pattern. After therapy and lots of growth, I thought I was choosing differently.

I stopped dating emotionally unavailable men, or so I thought. Instead, I dated warm, attentive, affectionate European men. I was sure I had cracked the code.

Until my therapist gently pointed out that most of them lived on another continent.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not healed the pattern; I had just dressed it up in new clothes. The dynamic was still the same: being left longing and alone.

Healing from a father wound requires more than awareness. It is about changing what feels familiar, and that takes practice.

Why These Experiences Hurt So Much

When you are ghosted or breadcrumbed, you are not just disappointed. You are re-traumatized.

That is why the pain feels deeper than the situation seems to warrant. You might think, Why am I this upset about someone I barely knew?

Because the pain is not just about them. It is an echo from your past.

Every time someone pulls away without explanation, it mirrors the moment your father turned away, did not respond, or made you feel invisible. It activates that same unhealed wound.

Understanding this does not erase the pain, but can help you see it for what it is: old pain showing up in a new package.

The 3Q Framework for Clarity

Awareness is the first step toward change. I often share this tool with my therapy clients to help bring unconscious patterns into the light.

When you feel triggered, ask yourself:

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt like this before?How or why is this dynamic familiar to me?

These three questions pull the experience out of your emotional basement and into conscious awareness, where you can actually do something about it.

You cannot break a pattern you do not see.

From Awareness to Healing

Once you recognize the pattern, the next step is reparenting yourself and giving yourself what you did not receive growing up.

That means:

Speaking to yourself with compassion.Naming your feelings (“I am feeling rejected,” “I am feeling anxious”).Reminding yourself, This pain is old. It is not all about this person.Choosing partners and friends who are emotionally consistent, even if they feel “boring” at first.

For many people healing from a father wound, healthy love can feel boring at the beginning. That is okay. It simply means your nervous system is recalibrating from chaos to calm.

Over time, consistency starts to feel safe, and that is when true intimacy becomes possible.

Setting New Standards

Healing the father wound means raising your standards for how you allow others to treat you.

Ask yourself:

What does healthy, steady love look like for me?What behaviors demonstrate reliability, care, and mutual respect?Where have I been settling for crumbs instead of a full meal?

You deserve love that does not make you question your worth. You deserve connection that is reciprocal, nurturing, and secure.

When someone’s behavior is inconsistent, call it out, have a conversation, or walk away. Every time you accept inconsistency, you are teaching your nervous system that instability is normal.

Let’s change that together.

Final Reflections

The truth is, we all carry some version of relational pain. For many, the father wound runs deep. But awareness, compassion, and new choices can rewrite the story.

The next time someone ghosts you, or gives you just enough to keep you hanging on, remember this: you are not being punished. You are being invited to heal.

You do not have to prove your worth to be loved. You were born worthy.

You deserve the whole meal, steady, nourishing love that feels safe and real.

I have gathered the Three Qs for Clarity and my favorite healing reflections for this topic in a free guide for you. You can grab it here.

Have you been ghosted or breadcrumbed? How did you handle it? Share your story in the comments. Being witnessed is healing.

As always, take care of you.

772 Why You Keep Getting Ghosted (and What the Father Wound Has to Do With It)

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“Trauma can make you chase even harder, because it’s the little kid in you that feels like if you were just better, you could fix it this time.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you ever been ghosted, breadcrumbed, or found yourself stuck in yet another situationship, wondering, How did I end up here again?

If so, you are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, we are unpacking what these painful experiences can teach you about your deeper relational patterns, because it’s rarely just about that one person who vanished or strung you along.

Highlights:3:50 The real definition of ghosting5:40 What is breadcrumbing?7:30 How dynamics in your family of origin might affect your susceptibility to breadcrumbing10:20 How a father wound influences your core beliefs17:30 Breadcrumbing and dopamineLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

771 Using Breathwork to Change Your Life with Samantha Skelly

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“You have no idea how willing people are to give you what you want. You just have to ask.” – Samantha Skelly

Intro

Feeling drained, unmotivated, or emotionally stuck? You might be facing burnout. Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional overload. In this episode with Samantha Skelly, founder of Pause Breathwork, we explore what burnout really is and why suppressing your feelings keeps you trapped in it.

Discover how short, daily breathwork sessions can calm your nervous system, release emotional tension, and help you reconnect with your energy. It’s time to stop pushing through burnout and start breathing your way back to yourself.

Highlights:4:40 Samantha’s breathwork and app development origin story10:30 Approaching great mentors and building a tolerance of rejection14:40 Defeating burnout20:30 Using breathwork in your everyday life28:00 The Pause app and what it offersConnect with Samantha Skelly

Introducing, Samantha Skelly – a powerhouse entrepreneur, international best-selling author, sought-after international speaker, host of The Can’t Be Contained Podcast & Founder of the world’s leading breathwork brand, Pause Breathwork.

For over a decade, Samantha has made a significant impact in the world of spiritual & personal transformation. Her trauma-informed approach to healing and awakening through the power of breathwork has changed the lives of over 500,00 people & counting. 

Her mission advances through training & certifying people to become breathwork facilitators & through her innovation mobile app – Pause Breathwork.

Samantha has shared the stage with inspirational leaders such as Tony Robbins, Kobe Bryant, Marie Forleo & Marianne Williamson. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur Magazine, Women’s Health, Global TV, The Doctors & CBS.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/samanthaskelly

Pause Breathwork app: https://www.pausebreathwork.com/terri

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

770 Find Your People + Belonging with Anna Runkle

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“If your people don’t know who you are, they can’t find you.” – Anna Runkle

Intro

Discover how childhood trauma and C-PTSD shape our ability to form healthy connections, set boundaries, and rebuild self-trust. In this episode, Anna Runkle, creator of the “Crappy Childhood Fairy,” shares her journey, therapeutic writing tools, and insights from her book Connectability.

We explore emotional regulation, nervous system healing, and how to move from isolation to authentic connections. If you’re interested in self-help and personal growth, this conversation offers guidance for creating deeper, lasting connections after trauma.

Highlights:4:00 Anna’s emotional rags-to-riches origin story5:40 Why now is the time for Anna’s recent book, Connectability13:10 Learning to create less chaos for yourself22:00 The neurological injuries that can be caused by neglect28:00 Rebuilding yourself after complex trauma34:00 Anna’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Anna Runkle

Anna Runkle is the author of RE-REGULATED: Re-Regulated: Set Your Life Free from Childhood PTSD and the Trauma-Driven Behaviors That Keep You Stuck, which has been endorsed by a number of experts including #1 New York Times bestselling author Dr. Nicole LePera. She is the creator of the Crappy Childhood Fairy healing method, a breakthrough approach to help people heal trauma symptoms and change their lives—whether or not they have access to professional help. She has more than a million subscribers to her YouTube channel, blog, courses, and coaching programs, where she teaches the principles and techniques she has used to recover from her own childhood trauma symptoms.

Her approach includes simple, self-directed exercises to calm emotional triggers and neurological dysregulation and to begin changing the self-defeating behaviors that are common for people who have lived much of their lives dysregulated. She lives with her husband and two sons in the San Francisco Bay Area. Her new book is Connectability Heal the Hidden Ways You Isolate, Find Your People, and Feel (At Last) Like You Belong. 

Anna’s daily practice: https://courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/daily-practice

Youtube channel: Crappy Childhood Fairy

Website: crappychildhoodfairy.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

What to Do When You Freeze in the Moment

Have you ever been in a meeting where someone suddenly calls your name and you freeze?

Your mind goes completely blank, your body tenses, and even though you know the answer is in there somewhere, you cannot find the words.

Or maybe you are in a heated conversation, someone accuses you of something unfair, and instead of speaking up, you just freeze.

If this has happened to you, you are not alone. Freezing in the moment is a common experience.

For some, it occurs only occasionally. It is almost chronic for others, showing up whenever they feel put on the spot.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, I am breaking down why we freeze, what it really means, and most importantly, what you can do to work with your body and mind to move through it.

The good news is that there are many strategies you can practice to regroup, regain your voice, and communicate more effectively.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why We Freeze

The freeze response is part of the body’s survival system. You have probably heard of fight or flight, but there are actually four survival strategies: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

When you freeze, your body believes you are in danger and shuts down your ability to think and speak clearly.

Here is the tricky part. Your nervous system does not always know the difference between a physical threat and an emotional or psychological threat.

It may react to an angry teenager, a performance review, or an unexpected question in a meeting the same way it would react to a bear attack. It does not pause to decide whether the threat is life-threatening or just uncomfortable. It simply reacts.

That is why ordinary situations like giving feedback to a colleague, introducing yourself at an event, delivering bad news, or even speaking up in a group can feel overwhelming. Your nervous system perceives danger, and suddenly your words disappear.

Freezing does not mean you are bad at speaking. It is a protective action that your brain takes.

The vital thing to know is that you can learn to anticipate when it might happen, practice strategies to create space, and regain your ability to communicate.

According to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication, many of us are conditioned from childhood to compete, judge, demand, and diagnose.

That conditioning makes it easy to slip into defensiveness or reactivity, which can fuel the freeze response instead of fostering real connection.

9 Strategies to Break the Freeze1. Use the Three-Second Pause

When you notice yourself freezing, pause, breathe, and relax your shoulders. Just three seconds can interrupt the panic spiral and give your nervous system a chance to reset.

2. Prepare Go-To Phrases

I recommend creating a small set of “go-to” phrases that act like a conversational go bag. These phrases help you stay engaged even when your brain wants to shut down. Examples include:

“That is a great question. Give me a second to think about it.”“Can I come back to that in just a moment? I want to give it the thought it deserves.”“Let me grab some water, and I will be right back.”

These are not stalling tactics. They are conscious ways to create space and give your brain room to recover.

3. Stay Present with Body Language

If you freeze and cannot get words out, use your body language. Make eye contact, nod your head, and keep an open posture.

These nonverbal cues communicate that you are present and engaged even while you gather your thoughts. This also buys you valuable time without withdrawing from the conversation.

4. Reframe Silence

Many of us are afraid of silence and rush to fill it with what I used to call a wall of words. But silence, when held with confidence, is powerful. It signals calm, thoughtfulness, and authority.

Remember that a pause creates expansion. Freezing feels like constriction in your throat and chest, but expansion feels like space and calm.

5. Repeat or Clarify the Question

When your mind goes blank, repeat or clarify the question. For example:

“So just to confirm, you are asking about X?”“Let me make sure I understand. You mean…?”

This technique keeps you in the conversation and gives your brain time to come back online.

Even after decades as a therapist and public speaker, I have had my own freeze moments. Years ago, on Good Morning America, promoting my first book, I went completely blank on air. My heart was pounding, everything felt like slow motion, and I was sure the panic showed on my face.

What saved me was repeating the host’s question back in my answer, giving myself enough space for the words to return. To my surprise, viewers thought the interview went great, which proved that what feels like panic on the inside does not always show on the outside.

6. Set Boundaries in Heated Conversations

Freeze often shows up in emotionally charged conversations with loved ones. If you feel your throat close, try:

“I want to respond thoughtfully, but I am struggling to find the right words right now.”“Can we circle back to this? I want to give you a more complete response.”

These phrases create space while still acknowledging the moment. Also, avoid accusatory phrases like “you always” or “you never.” Instead, start with “I feel.”

You can even flip the dynamic by saying “You first,” which both shows generosity and gives you more time to gather your thoughts.

7. Handle Intrusive Questions Gracefully

Sometimes we freeze because someone asks us something inappropriate. Remember, you can always opt out. Examples:

“Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.”“I am going to refresh my drink. I will talk to you after.”“Oh, I heard you moved. Tell me about your new place.”

If you want to be more direct, you can flip the power dynamic by saying, “Why would you ask me that?” This phrase, recommended by power dynamics expert Kasia Urbaniak, puts the responsibility back on the person asking and rebalances the exchange.

8. Use Body Language to Exit

Just as body language can keep you engaged, it can also help you exit. At a family gathering, if there is someone you do not want to talk to, wave politely but keep walking.

Your movement makes it clear that you are not stopping to chat, and you do not owe anyone an explanation.

9. Train Your Nervous System

The goal is not to eliminate freezing completely but to reduce its impact. You can train your nervous system with mindfulness, practice, and visualization.

Picture yourself in a situation where you might normally freeze, and imagine yourself staying calm, breathing, and speaking clearly.

Confidence is built through repetition, and you expand your comfort zone each time you practice.

Final Thoughts

Freezing is a normal biological response. It does not mean you are a poor communicator. It simply means your body thinks you are under threat.

By pausing, breathing, using go-to phrases, staying present with body language, reframing silence, setting conversational boundaries, handling intrusive questions, and practicing visualization, you can learn to move through it.

Next time you freeze, do not be mean to yourself. Take a breath. Use one small strategy. Over time, you will feel more confident and capable of talking true in the moment.

I created a free guide with all the strategies and scripts from this episode for you. You can grab it here.

I would love to hear from you. Do you freeze in conversations? What helps you recover? Share your experience in the comments below so we can all learn together.

As always, take care of you.

FAQs About Freezing in Conversations Why do I freeze during conversations or meetings?
Freezing is part of the body’s natural survival system called fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Your nervous system interprets emotional or psychological stress as a threat, even if it is not physically dangerous, and temporarily shuts down your ability to respond. How can I stop freezing when I am put on the spot?
You may not be able to stop it completely, but you can reduce its impact. Try pausing for a deep breath, using a go-to phrase like “That’s a great question, give me a second,” or repeating the question back to create space until your thoughts return. Is freezing in conversations a sign of weakness?
Not at all. Freezing is a normal biological response, not a personality flaw. Even experienced speakers, leaders, and therapists can experience it. With practice and strategies, you can learn to manage it effectively. What can I say if someone asks me an intrusive or uncomfortable question?
You always have the right to set boundaries. You can redirect (“Tell me about your new place”), excuse yourself (“I need to step away for a moment”), or flip the dynamic with “Why would you ask me that?” as suggested by power dynamics expert Kasia Urbaniak.

769 Overcoming the Silent Freeze: How to Stay Calm and Speak Up

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“I want you to think about silence differently. When it is held with confidence, it is definitely more powerful than a bunch of rushed words.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you ever been in a meeting where someone suddenly calls your name and you freeze? Your mind goes completely blank, your body tenses, and even though you know the answer is in there somewhere, you cannot find the words. Or maybe you are in a heated conversation, someone accuses you of something unfair, and instead of speaking up you go silent. You just freeze.

If this has happened to you, you are not alone. Freezing in the moment is incredibly common. From CEOs to public speakers, from parents to teenagers, many of us have experienced the silent freeze. For some, it happens only occasionally. For others, it is almost chronic, showing up whenever they feel put on the spot.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, I am breaking down why we freeze, what it really means, and most importantly, what you can do to work with your body and mind to move through it. The good news is that there are many strategies you can practice to expand, regain your voice, and communicate more effectively.

Highlights:5:20 Why and how we freeze8:45 Strategies to overcome your freeze reflex11:20 Becoming more comfortable with silence18:10 Exercising your boundary right to opt out of a conversation that you don’t want to haveLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

768 Creative Invincibility with Josh Pais

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“People wake up because there’s something real happening. In this era, we’re so hungry for something real: truth. Not just the content of the words, but to know this person is speaking from themselves. That’s mighty.” – Josh Pais

Intro

Emotions are not the enemy, they are the doorway to being present. In this episode with Josh Pais, we explore how emotions guide us back to being present and how embracing all emotions allows deeper self-growth.

Discover simple tools to accept emotions, stop resisting, and practice being present every day. If you’re curious about emotions, mindfulness, and the freedom that comes from being present, this episode is for you.

Highlights:4:45 Josh’s creative origin story7:00 About the groundbreaking training program, Committed Impulse11:50 Josh teaches the “I’m back” reset18:00 The 7-12 second rule for emotions27:00 Overcoming your fear of feeling36:30 How Josh commits to making the world a better place through his acting and writing38:00 Josh’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Josh Pais

Josh Pais is a master of presence – on screen, on stage, and in real life. With over 150 film and television credits, he’s a chameleon of the craft who has appeared in The Dropout, A Man in Full, Younger, Ray Donovan, High Maintenance, and more and is beloved by a generation as the original Raphael in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He’s shared the screen with icons like Meryl Streep, Robert De Niro, Joaquin Phoenix, and Edward Norton, yet his most transformative work often happens off camera. 

Behind the scenes, Josh is the creator of Committed Impulse, a groundbreaking training program that evolved from his personal acting process. What began as a toolkit for performers has become a go-to method for thousands of high-performing entrepreneurs, speakers, artists, and professionals across industries who want to break through anxiety, stop overthinking, and unlock creative flow. Think of it as emotional fitness for anyone who wants to show up fully alive and unshakably real. 

Born to a theoretical physicist who worked with Einstein and a poet-painter mother, Josh’s work lives at the intersection of logic and magic, discipline and spontaneity. His approach is both grounded and radical and is infused with decades of deep experience and a signature irreverent humor. Josh’s debut book, Lose Your Mind: The Path to Creative Invincibility (Penguin Random House + Hay House,  September 30, 2025).

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

767 Live an Abundant Sober Life with Suzanne Warye

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“If we wait until we’re forced to quit, maybe then sobriety does feel like a punishment. But if we get off the train before that, it can be something we outgrew.” – Suzanne Warye

Intro

Sobriety doesn’t have to come from rock bottom, it can be a conscious choice for self-growth and mental freedom. In this episode, author Suzanne Warye shares her journey from “mommy wine culture” to reclaiming her clarity, health, and purpose.

Discover how reframing sobriety can transform your relationship with yourself, break free from limiting beliefs, and empower you to outgrow what no longer serves you. This conversation is for anyone questioning alcohol and seeking a path of conscious living.

Highlights:4:10 Suzanne’s sobriety origin story11:35 The inspiration behind Sunzanne’s new book, The Sober Shift: A Modern Day Guide to Living an Abundant Sober Life21:00 The neuroscience of alcohol-free living28:30 The unique challenges people of color face in recovery from alcohol addictionConnect with Suzanne Warye

Suzanne Warye is a sobriety influencer (@suzannewarye and @thesobermomlife) and the host of the popular podcast The Sober Mom Life. As the founder of The Sober Mom Life Cafe, she has created a supportive digital community for women to explore their relationships with alcohol and find freedom in sobriety.

Her writing has been featured in Scary Mommy and the Huffington Post. Residing on the North Shore of Chicago with her husband and three kids, Suzanne spends most of her time reheating her coffee and rocking her “whole heart, half ass” parenting philosophy.

www.instagram.com/suzannewarye

www.suzannewarye.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

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The Foundation of Real Love: Emotional Security

For many of us, emotional security is the missing piece in our relationships. It’s subtle, but its absence is exhausting. Without it, love feels like walking on eggshells, never fully able to relax into who we are.

This week on The Terri Cole Show, I shared what emotional security really means, why it matters so much, and how to start cultivating it in yourself and with the people you love. Because when it’s missing, everything is more challenging than it needs to be. But when it is present, everything becomes easier and more transparent.

https://youtu.be/T7o4UJO0UuE

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Emotional Security Really Means

Emotional security is the foundation of a healthy, durable relationship. It’s the feeling that you can express yourself, your needs, your limits, and your truth without fear of rejection or ridicule.

It doesn’t mean you never disagree. Emotional security doesn’t erase conflict; it changes the way conflict feels. When it’s there, you can trust that a disagreement isn’t the end of the road. You have faith that together you will figure it out.

It’s the quiet confidence that you are safe to be you, and your partner is safe to be themselves.

My Story: The Wake-Up Call I Needed

Years ago, I was in a relationship that lacked emotional security.

At the time, I was living with someone who was deeply insecure. When I went away for a weekend with friends, he called and texted constantly. He didn’t trust me, even though I was doing nothing wrong. When I got home, we argued.

He said, “I hate it when you go away with your friends.”

And I replied, “You can hate it, and I can still do it.”

That was the moment I realized I had to leave.

He was trying to control me, not because he was evil, but because he was afraid. And that fear costs us emotional safety. I knew I couldn’t be myself without being judged. That’s not healthy love. That is fear-based hiding.

The Difference Between Insecurity and Lack of Security

There’s a difference between personal insecurity and relational lack of emotional security.

Insecurity sounds like: “If I tell them how I feel, they’ll leave.”

Lack of emotional security sounds like: “If we disagree, this might fall apart.”

One lives in the mind, and the other lives in the dynamic.

When you’re in a secure relationship, it sounds more like: “We can work through this. My needs matter.”

It Starts with You

The most secure relationships often begin with at least one emotionally secure person within themselves. That person sets the tone. Every wave does not throw them. They know how to love in a grounded, present way.

If that’s not you, it can be. Emotional security is not some innate trait you either have or don’t. You can build it. You can become more securely attached.

In therapy, we call it earned attachment, the process of healing, learning, and showing up differently. And I’ve seen it happen again and again.

It starts with how you treat yourself. Do you show up for your own feelings? Do you keep your word to yourself? Do you let yourself rest?

Self-abandonment can’t coexist with emotional safety. You’ve got to stop ghosting yourself if you want to feel safe with others.

What Happens Without It

When emotional security is missing, here’s what often shows up:

AnxietyPeople-pleasingSelf-abandonmentOver-functioning to “earn” love

You’re constantly managing other people’s reactions. You’re afraid to say what you really need. You twist yourself into knots to avoid conflict. And over time, you disappear from your own life.

It’s painful and unsustainable.

What a Secure Relationship Looks Like

In a secure relationship, there’s room for:

Conflict that doesn’t destroy the connectionEmotional intimacyPlayfulness and creativityGrowth, both together and separately

You can fail in front of your partner. You can be honest about what you want. You can tell them your dreams. And you know they’re rooting for you.

That’s what emotional security makes possible.

Real-Life Flexibility

Vic and I have been together for decades. And over time, our relationship has changed in ways we never expected.

When we bought our lake house, we didn’t plan to live in the country full-time. But eventually, it became clear that this slower pace, this connection to nature, was exactly what we wanted.

That required conversation. Renegotiation. Flexibility.

In a secure relationship, there’s space to pivot together. To evolve. You don’t have to cling to the original plan out of fear. You can trust the foundation to hold.

Respecting Individuality

Years ago, Vic got the chance to embed (as a visual journalist) with a medevac unit in Afghanistan. It was dangerous, and he almost didn’t go.

He told me he felt guilty, like it would be selfish to leave me alone in the woods.

But I knew how much it meant to him. So I said, “Why are you using me as a reason not to go? If it’s your dream, go. I’ll be okay.”

I didn’t want to be the excuse he used to hold himself back.

That’s emotional security. Respecting each other’s individuality while staying deeply connected. Rooting for each other, even when it’s inconvenient. (or you’re scared shitless! )

The Three Pillars of Emotional Security

So how do you build this kind of security within yourself and in your relationships?

There are three pillars:

Consistency
Show up for yourself. Do what you say you’re going to do. Keep your promises to yourself and to others. Let people know they can rely on you. Let yourself know it, too.Responsiveness
Pay attention to your emotions instead of dismissing them. If your partner is upset, ask about it. If you’re upset, let them in. Don’t say “I’m fine” when you’re not. Show up for each other.Respect
Make space for individuality. You can want different things and still stay connected. That might mean agreeing to disagree sometimes. It might mean honoring someone else’s dream even when it scares you.

Therapy Can Help

I had a client, a brilliant magazine editor, who grew up in a household where love was conditional. It only came when she achieved it, like getting straight A’s, which was what her parents expected.

In our work together, we created a secure, emotionally safe space where she could be her whole, messy human self.

Over time, she changed, her nervous system calmed, she stopped hustling for love, and she realized her relationship was safe. She just hadn’t known what safety felt like.

That’s what healing can do.

Therapy offers a corrective emotional experience. Your therapist becomes someone who holds you in high esteem, no matter what. And when you experience that long enough, you start holding yourself the same way.

It’s Not a Luxury. It’s a Need.

Emotional security isn’t some bonus feature of a great relationship. It’s the foundation, and we all need it.

We need to feel safe enough to be real.

To speak up and to be known.

To feel like we can exhale in the presence of our people, and we deserve to have that.

Want More Support?

I created a free guide to help you start building more emotional security today. Inside, you’ll find tools, reflection questions, and daily actions that make a real difference.

Download it here.

And as always, take care of you.

766 The Foundation of Real Love: Emotional Security

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“Your level of emotional security in your relationship is the barometer of how seen, safe, and satisfied you feel in that relationship.” – Terri Cole

Intro

For many of us, emotional security is the missing piece in our relationships. It’s subtle, but its absence is exhausting. Without it, love feels like walking on eggshells, never fully able to relax into who we are.

This week on The Terri Cole Show, I share what emotional security really means, why it matters so much, and how to start cultivating it in yourself and with the people you love. Because when it’s missing, everything is more challenging than it needs to be. But when it is present, everything becomes easier and more transparent.

Highlights:5:00 Trust and emotional security8:00 What secure attachment feels like11:50 The cost of low emotional security in a relationship17:45 Improving your own emotional securityLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

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FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?