Terri Cole's Blog, page 8

736 Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss

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“Your personal boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. If you don’t define your boundaries, someone else will– And that’s a fact.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you catch yourself saying…

I don’t want them to think…

I don’t want them to feel…

I don’t want to seem difficult…

I don’t want to hurt their feelings…

If so, this episode is for you because it’s about becoming a boundary boss without guilt. When we say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I just wanted to be nice,” we’re self-abandoning and not setting boundaries we need to set. It’s time to change that!

Highlights:5:10 Why it feels so scary to create conflict, even necessary conflict8:00 The five categories of boundaries12:30 The consequences of not maintaining your boundaries17:30 The benefits of real, healthy boundariesLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

735 How to Let Go and Let Love with Jennifer Pastiloff

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“I was so afraid that someone would see who that really was, and that I was a bad person. Eventually I really let love in, and ultimately, it was toward myself too.” – Jennifer Pastiloff

Intro

I’m thrilled to welcome my close pal, Jennifer Pastiloff, back to the show to celebrate the release of her new book, Proof of Life: Let Go, Let Love, and Stop Looking for Permission to Live Your Life. It’s a call to arms to stop self-abandoning and no longer wait for permission, which I think is perfect for this community.

Jen has such a unique voice and wonderful sense of humor, and in this girlfriend jam, we talk about shame loss, Jen’s inspiration for the subtitle, and how she is really living what she’s writing about. It’s so inspiring and empowering. 

Watch to the end because she also shares a beautiful poem for those who feel like they’re constantly behind. I think you’ll love it! 

P.S. Jen’s TEDx Talk, Nothing You Do Is Wrong: https://youtu.be/_-RlIS9JbhM?si=fU2V8...

Highlights:5:20 The inspiration behind Proof of Life 13:40 When Jennifer started to believe she could deserve big love19:25 Why shame is so hard to leave behind16:00 Acknowledging the messy nature of life and living33:40 Jennifer shares a poem from Proof of LifeConnect with Jennifer Pastiloff

Jennifer Pastiloff trots the globe as a public speaker and to host her retreats in Italy, as well as her one-of-a-kind workshops, which she has

taught to thousands of people all over the world. The author of the popular

Substack, also called Proof of Life, she teaches writing and creativity classes called Allow, and workshops called Shame Loss, when she isn’t painting and selling her art. She has been featured on Good Morning America, and Katie Couric, and in New York magazine, People, Shape, Health magazine, and other media outlets for her authenticity and unique voice. She is deaf, reads lips, and mishears almost everything, but what she hears is usually funnier (at least she thinks so). The author of the national bestseller On Being Human, Pastiloff lives in Southern California with her son, Charlie Mel.

Substack: https://proofoflifewithjen.substack.com/

IG: https://instagram.com/jenpastiloff

Website: https://jenniferpastiloff.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Do you rush to fix other people’s problems even before they ask you to?

Do you pride yourself on being the go-to person people turn to for help?

Are you the “I’m fine, I got it” person when it comes to your own problems?

Maybe you anticipate other people’s needs, overdeliver, rarely ask for help, and also feel exhausted, resentful, and underappreciated, while wondering why your relationships feel unsatisfying. 

If this resonates, or you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC), today’s episode is for you. I’m talking about when “helping” is hurtful, how HFCs tend to cross boundaries (even with good intentions), the hidden cost of emotional fixing, and how to respect the sovereignty of others. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Truth About High-Functioning Codependency

Talking about help being hurtful is complicated because we’re not trying to hurt when we help, but sometimes, auto-fixing and auto-helping are harmful. 

We usually associate messy and dramatic ‘neediness’ with codependency, but this isn’t the case with HFCs, who are highly capable. 

Beneath the calm exterior of an HFC is an invisible compulsion to manage other people’s emotions; to fix instead of feel.

As an HFC, you might be an empath, and other people’s pain may feel too overwhelming to sit with. You might fix and offer solutions to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.

HFCs also tend to believe they need to earn love through usefulness. They feel compelled to earn their place. Their value feels directly connected to what they do. 

It’s important to state that none of these behaviors make you a bad person. It’s not malicious. 

When I was an active HFC in my 20s, my heart was in the right place. I never intended to trample people’s boundaries or control people. I was doing those things, but unconsciously.

These are learned behaviors. We’re just trying to survive the emotions we don’t know how to manage. And often, especially with over-functioning and over-giving, being the savior or hyper-helper becomes our identity. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence

Generally speaking, HFCs fear becoming a burden to others, relying on people, or being too needy. Their hyper-independence often pushes people away.

Not allowing others to give to us is exhausting and unhealthy for our relationships. 

I had this revelation 27 years ago, shortly after meeting my husband, Vic. 

Three weeks into dating, I injured my ankle, and we were both due to travel separately. Since I couldn’t walk, I had to rely on him for help.

Vic spent hours driving from store to store trying to find the perfect ankle wrap so I could walk on it during my trip, calling me with updates along the way.

I remember hanging up the phone and realizing I could count on him, that it was okay he was going out of his way for me, and that he thought I was worth going out of his way for. What would it be like if I just received that?

I began crying because I felt such deep relief. I wondered whether I could let myself believe that Vic was highly capable and emotionally trustworthy, and that it was okay to let him do things for me. 

It wasn’t easy! Trusting him in this capacity felt so threatening to me as an over-functioner because my way of feeling safe was overdoing and being the hyper-caretaker for him.

Thankfully, the universe put me in this position because I’m not sure I would have given up my HFC ways otherwise. 

How High-Functioning Codependents Cross Boundaries

How can HFCs be boundary bullies without meaning to be?

When you live in fixer mode, it can be challenging to slow down and realize that giving auto-advice someone hasn’t asked for is crossing a boundary. 

When we do something for someone they haven’t asked us to do, that we don’t even know if they want us to do, we’re also crossing boundaries. 

It’s hard to reckon with, but auto-fixing and auto-advice giving prevent others from building their own emotional strength and resiliency. Their problem-solving skills don’t improve when we automatically solve problems for them. 

Trying to stop someone from crying or jumping in isn’t always about kindness. It could be a way to soothe your own anxiety.

When I was an active HFC, my behavior wasn’t solely driven by wanting to be Mother Teresa. It was driven by how uncomfortable I felt with someone’s pain, suffering, or lack of knowing what to do. 

Problem-solving without consent is a subtle form of control. Giving and giving until you’re depleted isn’t necessarily noble. It sets us up to be martyrs, which leads to resentment, which we don’t want. 

How to Respect Other People’s Boundaries

What does respecting other people’s boundaries and their right to be sovereign look like? 

It looks like doing less and being more, asking before acting, and letting people feel hard things without rushing in to remove the discomfort. 

It can sound like: 

“Would it help to talk through solutions, or do you just want someone to sit with you?” “I want to support you. How would you like me to show up right now? What would be helpful?”“What you’re going through seems hard. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I won’t try to fix it. I’m just here to be with you.”

Getting into recovery from being an HFC means giving others emotional respect and allowing them the dignity of their own process. It means giving them the gift of space, even when every cell in our body wants to “help.”

We might want to jump in, but we don’t need to. Download the guide for additional steps on how to respect other people’s boundaries. 

How to Move Into Healthier Relating

The real work for us as HFCs is just being with ourselves. 

Give yourself space to get radically curious about your own emotions and feelings, without numbing through productivity, drinking, Netflix, or drugs. 

Rest without feeling guilty.

Ask for support, even when it feels weird or like you might be asking for “too much.” You’d be shocked at how much people want to support you when given the chance. 

You also need to let go of the belief that your worth is tied to how needed you are by others. 

Being needed and being loved are two different things. 

The people in our lives don’t necessarily think we should be adding value at all times. That might not even be what they’re looking for from you. 

When you can respect your own boundaries, you’ll begin to notice and respect other people’s boundaries more naturally. 

When you’re not relating from this place of over-functioning, but instead from a place of presence, you can realize your presence is the present. 

You don’t have to save people to be loved. 

At the end of the day, what do we all want? Connection. 

But real connection doesn’t come from saving or fixing. It comes from standing beside someone in their mess and saying, “I see you. I trust you to feel this, but I’m here for support.”

The subtext of saving, on the other hand, is, “I don’t think you can handle this.” Isn’t it presumptuous to assume that other people can’t handle their own lives?

So just pause, take a deep breath, and ask before you act. 

As corny as it sounds, feeling is healing. There’s no healing for you or anyone else when we avoid our feelings, and there’s no way around the middle of this process.

And if you want to jumpstart your journey into recovery and healthier boundaries, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp, where HFCs come to unlearn guilt, over-giving, and emotional micromanaging, and reclaim their peace. 

You’ll learn to set boundaries that stick without the shame spiral, to say no without explaining your entire life story, and to reconnect with the version of you who doesn’t need to over-function to feel worthy.

If you’re ready to trade resentment for relief, join me inside the course! If not now, then when? If not you, then who? You’re the only one who can make these changes, and I’d love to walk you through it. 

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to download the guide for more ideas on how to shift into recovery. Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

734 Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

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Intro

Become Your Own Boundary Boss Without the Guilt

Do you find yourself saying “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” while completely abandoning your own needs? You think you’re being nice, but you’re actually training people to ignore what matters to you—because you’re ignoring it first.

In this episode, Terri breaks down the hidden cost of people-pleasing and why “being nice” is often just self-abandonment dressed up as politeness.

She explains the 5 core types of boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, material, and energetic) and shares exactly what healthy boundary-setting looks like in real life.

You’ll learn:

Why boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors that YOU controlHow you teach people to treat you by what you allow, stop, and reinforceThe difference between being liked and being safeWhat to do when people get mad about your boundariesWhy the more authentic you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set

Plus, get Terri’s Boundary Script Kit with scripts for all 5 types of boundaries at terricole.com/guide.

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing and managing other people’s emotions, this episode will help you reclaim your peace and show up as your full, authentic self.

Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

 

 

Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

Intro

Become Your Own Boundary Boss Without the Guilt

Do you find yourself saying “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” while completely abandoning your own needs? You think you’re being nice, but you’re actually training people to ignore what matters to you—because you’re ignoring it first.

In this episode, Terri breaks down the hidden cost of people-pleasing and why “being nice” is often just self-abandonment dressed up as politeness.

She explains the 5 core types of boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, material, and energetic) and shares exactly what healthy boundary-setting looks like in real life.

You’ll learn:

Why boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors that YOU controlHow you teach people to treat you by what you allow, stop, and reinforceThe difference between being liked and being safeWhat to do when people get mad about your boundariesWhy the more authentic you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set

Plus, get Terri’s Boundary Script Kit with scripts for all 5 types of boundaries at terricole.com/guide.

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing and managing other people’s emotions, this episode will help you reclaim your peace and show up as your full, authentic self.

Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

 

 

733 Attracting Love with Dating Coach Sabrina Zohar

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“I learned to take space in the moment. I learned that just because something happens in the moment doesn’t mean that in that moment I need to rectify it.” – Sabrina Zohar

Intro

I am so excited to have dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar on the show to talk about dating, relational issues, and what a secure, emotionally safe relationship looks like. 

Sabrina shares the work that she did to get out of unhealthy relational patterns, how she navigates her relationship with her narcissistic father, what she and her partner do to make each other feel safe and secure, how she sets boundaries with difficult people, and so much more.

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did!

Highlights:2:55 Sabrina’s origin story with narcissism in her family of origin5:45 Sabrina’s podcast about anxiety, dating, and doing the work8:28 The elements of a secure relationship19:24 Why people need to take responsibility for their personal growth and healing in dating31:10 How grieving lost relationships can be part of setting healthy boundaries34:20 Sabrina’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Sabrina Zohar

Sabrina Zohar is a dynamic entrepreneur and dating coach renowned for her transformative podcast, The Sabrina Zohar Show. With a clear, no-nonsense approach to relationship advice, Sabrina’s podcast has resonated globally, ranking in the top 0.05% of all podcasts. Each episode features practical tips backed by board-certified and licensed psychologists, aimed at helping listeners improve their dating lives by fostering self-worth and personal growth. 

Website: https://sabrinazohar.com

IG: https://instagram.com/sabrina.zohar

 @Sabrina_zohar

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

The Cost of People-Pleasing, Why We Do It + How to Stop

Do you say yes when you’d rather say no?

Do you do more emotional labor in a lot of your relationships?

Are you the one everyone counts on, while you don’t feel comfortable relying on anyone? (Maybe you don’t even allow people to be there for you?)

If any of this sounds familiar, this episode is for you. 

I had many requests to do another episode on people-pleasing, so let’s cover how people-pleasing and self-abandonment are survival mechanisms, the cost of these behaviors to us and our relationships, and how we can slowly shift into healthier ways of relating.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Dispelling the Myth of People Pleasing

We like to believe we’re being nice when we’re people-pleasing. I certainly did. In my young life, I didn’t realize just how much of my behavior was people-pleasing or how often I looked for validation outside of myself. 

But people-pleasing isn’t an act of generosity or being kind. It’s an act of self-protection. 

Chronic people-pleasing often stems from a trauma response, especially fear of rejection and abandonment. It can be helpful to look at it as a nervous system survival strategy. In the context of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, it’s fawning. 

We fawn when we reflexively please others to avoid perceived danger, rejection, or abandonment, and to control what’s happening.

Fawning can look like being caring, but there’s fear underneath it. It’s emotional self-defense. You weren’t born this way; you became this way to stay safe. 

People-pleasing was likely an adaptive behavior for you in childhood. Kids’ ability to adapt to their environment is pretty miraculous. No one had to tell us what to do. We knew what we needed to do to survive. 

There’s nothing to feel ashamed of or bad about if you people please. We come by these behaviors honestly. But looking at the truth makes it easier to transform them. The quality of our lives improves when we keep the good and get healthier around what’s dysfunctional. 

The Impact of Childhood Wounds (Why We People Please)

It can sometimes help to look at our original wounds to figure out why we behave the way we do as adults.

Maybe you had a volatile parent and learned to be easy to stay under the radar. 

Or maybe you grew up in a family system where love was conditional and became hyper-attuned to everyone’s moods to know whether the conditions were good for you to be loved. 

Being “the good one” can also be a way for you to feel safe. This was true for me. I felt pressured to over-function for everyone in my family system and to be a good student, sister, and friend. 

While I found safety in the performance of it, it was exhausting. 

People-pleasing is often the adult mask of a child who was never allowed to take up emotional space. 

And if you weren’t allowed to take up emotional space as a child, you may not know how to do it as an adult or feel unsafe trying. 

Why People Pleasing is Self-Abandonment

People-pleasing is self-abandonment because, in trying to keep others happy, regulated, and feeling good about us, we naturally disconnect from our needs, preferences, and identity. 

In my 20s, if anyone I dated liked hip hop or country, I did, too. I took on their likes and dislikes to avoid pushback. I shapeshifted into what I thought would make me lovable and desirable to them. 

This behavior is important to be aware of because it can be easy to lose ourselves in relationships. 

Here are examples of self-abandonment: 

Feeling exhausted but saying yes to something anywayApologizing for someone’s hurt feelings (not for anything you did)Saying you’re fine when you’re notOffering to help when you have no energy

When we people please and self-abandon, our focus is centered on others. We’re not looking inwards, which moves us away from our intuition and truth. 

If you’re not people-pleasing, who are you? 

The Cost of People Pleasing

People-pleasing behavior is often unconscious, but it comes at a cost to us and our relationships. Let’s take an honest look at it, without judgment.

When we say yes when we want to say no, we become resentful, exhausted, or blame others for what we do and don’t do. 

When we constantly apologize and assume fault for everything, we put ourselves in a one-down position. We’re telling everyone I’m wrong, I did something wrong, it’s my fault. This happens without discernment, and it’s not good for our relationships or self-esteem. 

When we automatically over-give and under-ask, we rob ourselves of the chance to receive and others of the chance to help be part of our solution. Here’s a personal example from my marriage. Early in my career as a therapist (back when I commuted from NYC to upstate NY), I started crying and couldn’t stop after a rough week. I called Vic and told him I couldn’t get on the Amtrak train back home. Like I could not make myself move (or stop crying).

Sensing how much distress I was in, he replied, “Hold on, babe, I’m getting in the car,” and drove three hours to scoop me up and drive me back home (another three hours).

As a hyper-independent people-pleaser, I had rarely let someone go out of their way for me like this. But in allowing it, I realized how much I trusted him, which flooded me with relief.

This happened years ago, and Vic still shows up for me. If I hadn’t let him in, I don’t think our relationship would be as satisfying as it is 27 years in. A deep give-and-take dynamic is necessary for interdependence, which is incredibly important in any relationship. 

People pleasers tend to keep the peace at their own expense, too. How often do you take one for the team without being asked to?

Cheryl Richardson’s quote comes to mind: “If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”

Keeping the peace is a short-term plan. Every time you self-abandon to avoid abandoning someone else, you reinforce the limiting belief that your needs don’t matter. 

We pay for these behaviors. If you can feel tension in your body, that’s its way of telling you that you need to do something different and pause. 

The biggest cost may be that constantly presenting a false sense of self to people leads them to love a version of us that doesn’t exist. 

How to Shift Into Less Self-Abandonment + People Pleasing

Here are a few steps to begin shifting away from people-pleasing and into more truth-telling. 

First, pause before committing to anything and ask yourself two questions: 1) Do I have the bandwidth to do this without becoming resentful? 2) Do I even want to do it? (The second one is important. So many of us never bother to ask ourselves this!)

Second, use your body as a barometer. If you feel tightness, it’s probably a no. But if you feel expansive, it might be a yes. 

This might sound simplistic, but dialing into the wisdom of your body is helpful because it’s always there for you; you just need to learn how to listen to it. 

Third, learn the power of pausing. Say, “Let me think about it,” or “I have a 24-hour decision-making policy. I’ll get back to you on that.”

There is nothing wrong with simply saying, “I’d like to think about it.” 

These small nos and pauses help us avoid self-abandonment because we’re building discernment around how we treat ourselves. 

The truth is, saying no doesn’t push the right people away. It filters out those who only like us for what we do for them.

If someone needs you to abandon yourself to be in their life, that isn’t love, that’s control.

You don’t have to be some polished version of yourself to be worthy. You are worthy as you are. Your uniqueness is what makes you interesting. 

Don’t abandon yourself to keep others close to you. The people who belong in your life will embrace you changing, growing, and evolving, even if you disappoint them sometimes. 

Being disappointed is part of life. Perfection in relationships doesn’t exist because we’re all human beings just trying our best. 

I hope this episode added value to your life. Let me know if you had any insights in the comments or on Instagram, and as always, take care of you. 

P.S. Did you hear? The doors to Boundary Bootcamp are OPEN! If anything in this episode resonated with you, join us to learn how to break free from limiting beliefs and behavior patterns and unleash your true self: a woman who expresses herself fearlessly, meets her needs with grace, and loves herself completely! LFG!!! 

732 The Cost of People-Pleasing, Why We Do It + How to Stop

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“People-pleasing isn’t being kind. It’s an act of self-protection. That’s why we do it.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

Are you able to sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Highlights:4:40 How you can feel fatherless even if your father was present7:17 How father’s day can be a trigger for unanswered questions8:00 How a father wound can impact your relationships, self-worth, and success10:40 Busting some of the myths around father wounds15:25 Healing rituals to help with you integrate experiences around your father woundLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

731 Recovery for the Codependent Perfectionist with Alana Carvalho

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
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“We don’t realize that we create dependency often in our helping. We care a lot, and it’s often coming from a loving place, but it actually turns into something very un-loving when we make someone dependent on us.” – Alana Carvalho

Intro

I’m so excited to have a new pal, Alana Carvalho, a licensed mental health counselor, on the show to talk about two topics we’re both passionate about: codependency and perfectionism!

We talk about why these two things go together, our experiences of being in recovery from both, what inspired Alana to create The Codependent Perfectionist brand, how to ease up on perfectionism and codependent behaviors, and so much more. 

I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did!

Highlights:2:20 Alana’s origin story6:16 The cost to self-abandonment9:10 The intersection between codependency and perfectionism22:00 Choosing precise language25:50 The inspiration behind Alana’s book, Raising Empowered Children 28:20 Taking the pressure off of yourself: How to do it and why you should32:30 Alana’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Alana Carvalho

Alana Carvalho, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in helping individuals, couples and families build balanced, connected and rewarding relationships. She is especially passionate about helping individuals learn about codependency and perfectionism to start their healing journeys. Alana has lectured on child development at The College of Staten Island. Her first book Raising Empowered Children: The Codependent Perfectionist’s Guide to Parenting is available on amazon.com. Alana also created The Codependent Perfectionist’s Oracle Cards to give everyone the ability to utilize therapeutic tools at the touch of their hand. Alana is the co-owner of a group private practice in New York City.

Website: https://alanacarvalho.com

IG: https://instagram.com/thecodependentperfectionist

 

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Burnt Out Empath? How to Protect Your Energy With Boundaries

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and think, I wonder if it was something I said? 

Can you sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Being an Empath Feels Like

As a child, I remember noticing micro changes in the facial expressions of the adults around me. 

I specifically remember seeing darkness come over someone’s eyes and wondering, Okay, what do I need to do to shift them back to being happy?

This is the plight of the empath. 

Empathy alone shouldn’t lead to emotional burnout, resentment, or self-abandonment, but it often does because we tend to neglect ourselves when we’re being empathic and concerned about what’s happening to others.

Empathy is a gift, but without boundaries and discernment, it can become a heavy burden. 

Emotional Boundaries + Why They’re Important

Emotional boundaries are the invisible lines between what we feel, what we’re responsible for, and what we’re allowed to protect within ourselves. 

For some empaths and people pleasers (the two tend to go hand-in-hand), the real damage isn’t necessarily from saying yes to helping someone move, but from carrying their emotional state on your back for days afterward.

Another way to look at emotional boundaries is knowing who drains you and who replenishes you. 

When you’re a boundaryless empath, almost everyone drains you because you aren’t protecting yourself (and your bandwidth) with appropriate boundaries. 

The Childhood Experiences of People Pleasers and Empaths

Why are many empaths also people pleasers?

Well, as kids, we may have learned that we could stay safe by managing other people’s moods. 

One of my friends, Vienna Pharaon, talks about this in her book, The Origins of You. Her parents couldn’t fulfil her needs, so as a child, she learned not to have needs and went on to become a woman without needs. 

Of course, we all have needs, but when you learn early on that staying out of the way, doing things without being asked, or being of service gets you positive or less negative feedback, people pleasing becomes a survival strategy. 

We might think, if I keep everyone happy, I won’t get hurt. I won’t get in trouble if I’m part of the solution.

Additionally, as women raised in a patriarchal system, being dialed into people’s feelings and facial expressions may help us stay safe because we’re endlessly vulnerable to being violated, assaulted, followed, and carjacked.  

The Impact of Having No Boundaries as an Empath

When empathy has no boundaries, we can become emotionally entangled with people, which isn’t the same as having emotional connections.

Without boundaries, you also absorb energy that isn’t yours and act from other people’s pain rather than your intuition.

As an empath without boundaries, you may feel confused because it’s hard to tell whose feelings are whose. This lack of clarity can lead to feeling hyper-responsible for everyone’s emotional states. 

If you weren’t allowed to have boundaries in childhood or no one modeled them for you, feeling hyper-responsible may be an automatic reaction.

That’s why learning about boundaries as an empath is one of the most empowering and life-changing things you can do, and it’s never too late to learn!

How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Disordered?

I have a feeling that if you’re reading this, you know your boundaries are disordered, but see if you answer ‘yes’ to these questions: 

Do you feel guilty saying no, even when depleted?Do you feel relieved when people are happy with you and anxious when they’re not?Do you over-apologize or immediately try to “make things better” when something goes wrong?Do you forget what you want because you’re so focused on managing how other people feel?

Anyone who identifies as an empath probably said yes to many of these. 

When I was at the height of my people-pleasing in my 20s, I felt so guilty about saying no that I rarely did. How I felt didn’t matter. 

If you can relate, you’re probably aware that people have come to expect a ‘yes’ from you. However, you have the right to change your mind and course-correct. 

Reclaiming Your Emotional Sovereignty

So, how can we stop losing ourselves in people’s pain?

We need to move from absorbing people’s feelings to becoming more of a witness. 

Instead of being a sponge, imagine being a mirror for people’s experiences. What would it look like not to take things on for other people?

Affirmations like “This is not mine to carry,” “I can care deeply and still say no,” or “Just because I feel it doesn’t mean I’m obligated or required to fix it,” can help you stay on your side of the street. 

You can also use visualizations. Picture yourself putting down the things you don’t want to carry. I’ll provide you with more questions in the guide to help you gain clarity on your emotional boundaries and explore additional ways to protect them. 

Energetic boundaries are also important here.

In the guide, you’ll find a resource from one of my best friends (and energy expert), Lara Riggio. It’s an easy “zipping up” energy exercise I use daily to feel more protected.

Finally, start thinking about how you can fill your cup, even in small ways. Don’t end up like a client I had who would hit empty and take spontaneous overnight trips to the Bahamas to restore. Although this sounds fun, for most people, it is not a sustainable approach. There are more productive ways to replenish your energy.

If you’re ready to stop drowning in other people’s emotions and start standing in your truth, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp! It’s my signature course and one of my favorites to teach. We delve into all the skills that empaths and people pleasers need to protect their energy and space, and create healthy connections without burnout. Go here for all the details and to enroll. 

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let me know if you had any insights in the comments or on Instagram, and don’t forget to download the guide!