Terri Cole's Blog, page 5

756 Extend Your Healthspan with Jeff Krasno

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“The overwhelming majority of chronic disease is the result of chronic ease.” – Jeff Krasno

Intro

What if the very thing we fear could actually make us stronger? In this powerful conversation, Terri Cole sits down with Jeff Krasno to explore how good stress can be a surprising ally for health, vitality, and longevity. Together, they uncover how challenges, when embraced in the right way, can activate the body’s natural capacity to heal and grow.

Jeff shares his personal journey, the science behind beneficial stress, and why our modern lifestyle has stripped away the kinds of challenges we actually evolved to handle. From fasting and movement to tough conversations, he shows that leaning into discomfort can transform both body and mind.

If you’re ready to rethink your relationship with stress, this episode will open your eyes to practical tools you can use right away. Instead of avoiding all discomfort, discover how harnessing the right kind of stress can expand your healthspan, increase resilience, and unlock your longevity.

Highlights:3:50 Jeff’s origin story10:30 How creating the right container can change lives19:50 The difference between good stress and bad stress22:45 How to bring back some good stress26:10 The potential of GLP-1 agonists to help with weight loss29:00 One protocol that can help you enhance your healthspan: How leaning in to stressful conversations can promote wellbeing36:20 Jeff’s struggle reconciling death and dyingConnect with Jeff Krasno

Jeff Krasno is the co-founder and CEO of Commune, a masterclass platform for personal and societal well-being and co-creator of Wanderlust, a global series of wellness events. He hosts the Commune podcast, interviewing a wide variety of luminaries from Deepak Chopra and Marianne Williamson to Matthew McConaughey and Gabor Maté. His latest venture expands Jeff’s personal story and protocols into a book, Good Stress: The Benefits of Doing Hard Things (Hay House, March 2025). The book dives deeper into the concepts from the course, distilling insights from over 400 podcast conversations Jeff has conducted, along with his personal experiences applying these ideas to transform his own health. It explores deliberate, self-imposed behaviors that promote social, psychological, and physical well-being, offering both a philosophical exploration of true wellness and practical steps to achieve it.

Website: goodstress.com

Instagram: instagram.com/jeffkrasno

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

How to Identify and Protect Yourself from Narcissists and Sociopaths

The Reality Check You Need: How to Tell the Difference Between a Narcissist and a Sociopath (And Why It Matters for Your Safety)

Content note: This post discusses manipulative and abusive relationship dynamics that may be triggering for some readers.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who made you question your own reality? 

Maybe it’s romantic, familial, or even just a friendship where every disagreement somehow leaves you thinking, “Did I misremember that? I really thought I said that out loud… maybe I didn’t?”

If you’re nodding your head right now, you’re not alone. For years, my community has been asking me to break down how to identify narcissists and sociopaths because the confusion around these two personality types can literally be dangerous. 

When you can’t tell what you’re dealing with, you can’t protect yourself effectively.

After 25 years as a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve seen too many brilliant, capable people get trapped in relationships that slowly eroded their sense of self. 

The good news? Once you understand the key differences between narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder (which includes sociopathy), you can spot the red flags early and protect your peace.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Foundation: What We’re Really Talking About

Let’s get clear on terms because precision matters when discussing your safety and well-being.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder revolves around three core features: an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. If I had to boil it down even further, think grandiosity, fragile self-esteem, and manipulation as their holy trinity.

Antisocial Personality Disorder (which includes sociopathy) is characterized by a disregard for other people’s rights, impulsivity, deceit, and a complete lack of remorse. Both personality types share some common ground in calculated manipulation, thrill-seeking, and predatory behavior, but their motivations and methods are distinctly different.

Here’s what’s crucial to understand: you can have narcissistic personality disorder without the criminal element that often accompanies sociopathy. This distinction matters because it affects how you protect yourself and what kind of danger you might be facing.

The Motivation Behind the Madness

Understanding what drives each personality type gives you insight into their behavior patterns and helps you anticipate their next moves.

What Narcissists Need: Admiration, validation, and the maintenance of their self-image. This isn’t just about how others see them; they genuinely need to see themselves in a particular way, even when it’s completely disconnected from reality. Think about those people who walk into a room with that “Do you know who I am?” energy. That’s textbook narcissistic entitlement.

What Sociopaths Want: Control, power, and often the thrill that comes from manipulating others for personal gain. They’re bold-faced about what they’re doing because they simply don’t care how it looks. Unlike narcissists, who need to maintain an image, sociopaths will manipulate you without any concern for appearances.

The emotional landscape of these two disorders tells you everything you need to know about how they’ll treat you.

Narcissists are emotionally reactive when their ego feels threatened. You can push their buttons easily because they’re incredibly thin-skinned. Any perceived slight, even when there wasn’t actually a slight, can send them into a tailspin. If you’ve ever watched a famous person with narcissistic traits have a public meltdown over criticism, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Sociopaths, on the other hand, are emotionally cold, calculated, and strategic. Honestly? This makes them scarier than narcissists because their responses are so measured and deliberate.

How They Handle Relationships (Hint: Badly)

The way these personality types approach relationships reveals important facts about them.

Narcissists need what we call “narcissistic supply,” a steady source of attention, validation, or even your suffering that feeds their ego. They tend to stay connected to people because they need that constant stream of supply. Sometimes that supply is causing you pain or stirring up drama just to stay at the center of attention.

Sociopaths will discard you without hesitation the moment you’re no longer useful to them. You’ll see a lot of abrupt cutoff relationships in a sociopath’s wake because once you stop serving their purposes, you literally don’t exist to them anymore.

The Manipulation Playbook: Know Their Moves

Understanding their manipulation styles helps you recognize the tactics before you get caught in them.

Narcissistic manipulation includes gaslighting (making you doubt your own reality), guilt-tripping, passive-aggressive control, and love bombing. Love bombing is that excessive shower of attention, affection, and gifts early in a relationship designed to quickly put you under their spell. It’s relationship fast-tracking that feels overwhelming but intoxicating.

Sociopathic manipulation is more overtly criminal in nature, involving scamming, elaborate lies, and calculated setups. Think con artist behavior that’s predatory and strategic.

The empathy factor separates these two in a crucial way. Narcissists lack empathy but may fake it to protect their image. They can get surprisingly good at mimicking empathetic responses when it serves them. Sociopaths? They’re truly indifferent to other people’s feelings and suffering. They don’t even bother pretending to care.

Red Flags That Should Send You Running

For Narcissists, watch for:

Grandiosity and entitlement: An overblown sense of self-importance where they believe they’re special, unique, and superior to othersExcessive need for admiration: They crave constant praise and become angry when they don’t receive itRule exemption mentality: They genuinely believe rules don’t apply to them and expect others to cater to their desires without reciprocityExploitation of others: Taking advantage of people without caring about the impactIsolation tactics: Trying to control who you spend time with and making you feel guilty for having relationships outside of themBlame shifting: Never taking responsibility and always making their problems someone else’s fault

Patterns I’ve noticed repeatedly: if you find yourself walking on eggshells, questioning your own perceptions, or somehow always ending up apologizing after trying to address a concern, those are red flags.

For Sociopaths, look for:

Disregard for social norms: Consistent violation of laws, whether it’s tax evasion or safety violationsCalculated exploitation: Using charm or lies to manipulate others for personal gainImpulsivity without consequences: Acting recklessly without thinking through the impactComplete lack of remorse: Indifference to others’ suffering and inability to feel guiltAggressive tendencies: Frequent anger, irritability, and tendency toward physical confrontationRelationship disposal: Inability to form genuine connections because everyone is viewed through a “what’s in it for me” lens

Grab the free guide for a clear side-by-side comparison of narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors.

Protecting Yourself: Your Safety Toolkit

The most important thing you can do is trust your gut. Anyone who’s been in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath will tell you there was a part of them that knew something was off long before they acted on it. Don’t ignore that inner wisdom.

Set boundaries early and often. With narcissists, especially, if you push back on their demands or expectations, watch their reaction. If changing a simple plan sends them into a rage about how “ungrateful” you are, this reveals information about their character.

Document everything. This is especially crucial if you’re co-parenting with someone who exhibits these traits or dealing with them in professional settings. Save screenshots, communicate by email as much as possible, and create a paper trail. Your future self will thank you.

Don’t reveal your exit strategy. If you’ve determined it’s time to leave, make your plan, but keep it to yourself. Both personality types can be unpredictable when they feel they’re losing control, and your safety must be your top priority.

Seek support immediately. Therapy, support groups, and trusted friends, don’t try to navigate this alone. These relationship dynamics are designed to isolate you and make you doubt yourself. Professional support can help you see clearly when you’re too close to the situation.

Why Understanding This Matters

Here’s what I want you to really understand: if you’ve found yourself repeatedly drawn to these personality types, it’s time to do some deeper work. This pattern isn’t about bad luck or poor judgment; it’s usually connected to early conditioning and unresolved childhood experiences.

Many of us were taught to be accommodating, to avoid conflict, and to prioritize others’ comfort over our own well-being. Those early lessons can make us perfect targets for narcissistic and sociopathic manipulation because we’ve been trained to prioritize the approval of others over our own gut instincts.

The path forward isn’t about becoming cynical or closed off. It’s about developing the self-awareness and boundary skills that protect your bandwidth, energy, and heart while still allowing you to form healthy connections with emotionally available people.

Remember: you have the right to make mistakes, course-correct, and change your mind. If you’re in a situation that’s harming your mental health, damaging your self-esteem, or making you question your own reality, you don’t need anyone else’s permission to make a change.

Your gut instinct is your best protection. When something feels off, it usually is. Trust that feeling. 

Understanding the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath isn’t just academic knowledge; it’s a practical skill that can save your sanity and, in some cases, your physical safety. You deserve relationships that support your well-being, not drain it.

Use the guide to identify narcissistic and sociopathic patterns and strengthen your ability to set healthy boundaries.

FAQ: Your Most Asked Questions About Narcissists and Sociopaths

Q: Can someone be both a narcissist and a sociopath? A: Yes, there can be overlap between personality disorders. Some individuals may exhibit traits from both, which can make them particularly manipulative and dangerous. The key is focusing on the behaviors you’re experiencing rather than trying to diagnose the person.

Q: Do narcissists and sociopaths ever change or get better with therapy? A: This is complex. People with narcissistic personality disorder may benefit from therapy if they’re genuinely motivated to change, though this is rare since they typically don’t see their behavior as problematic. Sociopaths are generally considered to have a much poorer prognosis for change due to their lack of empathy and remorse.

Q: How can I tell if I’m being gaslit or if I’m actually misremembering things? A: This is where trusting your instincts and documenting your interactions will come in handy. Gaslighting typically follows patterns. If you consistently feel confused after conversations with this person, question your memory regularly, or find yourself apologizing for things you know you didn’t do, these are red flags worth taking seriously.

Q: What should I do if I suspect my co-parent has one of these personality disorders? A: Document everything, communicate primarily through written channels, maintain strict boundaries, and seek legal counsel if necessary. Your children’s safety and well-being must be the priority. Consider therapy to help you and your children navigate this challenging dynamic safely.

755 Narcissist vs Sociopath: The Essential Guide to Spotting Dangerous Personality Types

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“Knowing how to spot narcissists and sociopaths early is the key to not getting sucked into relationships with them in a repeated way.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Content note: This episode discusses manipulative and abusive relationship dynamics that may be triggering for some readers.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who made you question your own reality? 

Maybe it’s romantic, familial, or even just a friendship where every disagreement somehow leaves you thinking, “Did I misremember that? I really thought I said that out loud… maybe I didn’t?”

If you’re nodding your head right now, you’re not alone. For years, my community has been asking me to break down how to identify narcissists and sociopaths because the confusion around these two personality types can literally be dangerous. 

When you can’t tell what you’re dealing with, you can’t protect yourself effectively.

After 25 years as a licensed psychotherapist, I’ve seen too many brilliant, capable people get trapped in relationships that slowly eroded their sense of self. 

The good news? Once you understand the key differences between narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder (which includes sociopathy), you can spot the red flags early and protect your peace.

Highlights:4:10 Breaking down the diagnoses of “narcissist” and “sociopath”7:00 How narcissists and sociopaths act differently in relationships9:30 Recognizing when you may be in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath16:00 How boundaries can keep you safe from a cycle of manipulationLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

754 Break the Spell of Unworthiness with Therapist Christine Gutierrez

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“Rituals and ceremonies are a way of bringing spirit into the mundane.” – Christine Gutierrez

Intro

Today, I’m excited to share a conversation with my very special guest Christine Gutierrez. Way back in the day, Christine interned with me as part of her psychotherapy training. Now I am proud to say she has her own expansive career as a licensed psychotherapist, self-worth expert, and spiritual thought leader. In our chat, she guides me through the themes of her book, I Am Worthy: We talk about overcoming self-doubt, cultivating self-love, and finding inner peace. It was wonderful to chat with Christine again, and I hope this episode can bring you the same joy it brings me to have her in my life!

Highlights:5:50 Christine’s origin story8:20 The different ways that wounds of unworthiness show up for different people13:00 The importance of the rituals and ceremonies in moving from one season of our lives to the next21:30 Signs that you might be putting on a mask31:45 Conscious co-parenting can be the right choice Connect with Christine Gutierrez

CHRISTINE GUTIERREZ, MA, LMHC is a Latina licensed psychotherapist, self-worth expert, and spiritual thought leader. Through her work, she offers group coaching, transformational retreats like her annual Diosa Retreat in Puerto Rico, and soul-based business mentorship via the Madre Legacy Council. She is the author of the books I Am Diosa and I Am Worthy and the affirmation deck “Wisdom del Alma,” as well as the founder of the forthcoming app Diosa, a global community where like-hearted women gather to meet soul sisters. Gutierrez’s work has been featured on The Kelly Clarkson Show, Latina magazine, and O, The Oprah Magazine, among many others

Website: https://www.christineg.tv/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

753 Create Better Connections with Dr. Jody Carrington

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“If there is someone at the helm of big emotions, the rest of us will be okay.” – Dr. Jody Carrington

Intro

Today I’m super excited to share an interview with Dr. Jody Carrington! Jody is a fearless advocate for authentic human connection in her speaking, writing, and clinical psychology. She shares so much about her personal story: From how her upbringing on a farm in the rural town of Viking, Alberta taught her that she couldn’t rest to the way her identity was challenged when she learned that her parents had been hiding a secret sibling from her for her whole life. Plus, Jody shares her insights on trauma, empathy, and the power of analog human connection.

Highlights:2:35 Dr. Carrington’s origin story7:10 Why it’s important to find insight and empathy before solutions when patients are struggling with mental health8:40 How the discovery of a secret sibling impacted Dr. Carrington’s sense of identity20:00 The problem with being constantly available30:30 Why true connection and witnessing one another can’t be replaced34:00 Jody’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Dr. Jody Carrington

Dr. Jody Carrington is a powerhouse speaker and fearless champion for authentic human connection. She is highly sought after for her expertise, energy, and genuine approach to helping people solve the most complex human-centered problems. This rapidly disconnected world is leaving so many of us overwhelmed, lonely, and burned out. Dr. Jody boldly believes that all humans have the capacity for good; however, so many of us these days, because of isolation and burnout, have lost access to that good. Dr. Jody’s work often involves understanding just how we got to this disconnected place, what we need to put the pieces back together, and maybe most importantly, how we collectively do “the work” to find our way back home again when (not if) we lose our way. 

Her authentic, honest, and often hilarious approach never fails to inspire and motivate audiences. Dr. Carrington is the founder and principal psychologist at Carrington & Company, she’s written three best-selling books, speaks on hundreds of stages globally each year, and hosts the widely celebrated podcast Everyone Comes from Somewhere. 

In this modern world where we look all the time, but we don’t see, where we listen but we don’t hear, Dr. Jody is clear on one thing: we were never meant to do any of this alone. She is a mom to three, a wife (to her very lucky) husband, a hockey coach, a daughter, and a sister, navigating this world alongside everyone she has the privilege to learn from and serve.

Website: https://www.drjodycarrington.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Sibling Conflict in Adult Relationships

Are family roles still running your life?

Do you feel like you’re always the “responsible one” in your family?

Are you exhausted from being the designated crisis responder, organizer, or emotional go-between for your siblings?

Do you find yourself stuck in the same childhood role you’ve been playing for decades, even though you’re a full-grown adult?

If you’re nodding along, you’re definitely not alone. I’ve been getting tons of emails from people struggling with difficult sibling relationships, dealing with lingering resentment, invisible labor, and feeling trapped in roles they never asked for but somehow feel like they can’t escape.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m breaking down the six biggest triggers that keep adult siblings stuck in conflict, why those childhood family roles still control us, and what you can actually do to change these exhausting patterns.

https://youtu.be/xjqWJT_P-C8

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Here’s what might surprise you: according to a survey by the National Organization for Women, one in two adults still argue and compete with their brothers and sisters. Even more telling? One third of respondents say they’ve stopped talking to a sibling altogether at some point in their lives. That’s a lot of people carrying around family pain.

I was reading about this in AARP magazine (yes, I’ve been reading it for years, thanks to my husband, who’s 10 years older than me, and it’s actually fantastic!), and it got me thinking about how these childhood dynamics don’t just magically disappear when we become adults. In fact, they often get more complicated.

The Six Biggest Sibling Triggers (And Why They Still Control Us)

Wills, Estates, and the Great Inheritance Drama

Nothing brings buried family wounds to the surface quite like death and money. Even if you think your family is “above all that,” you really don’t know until you’re in it. Someone gets named executor (in my family, my sister got the will, I got healthcare decisions for my dad), and suddenly, there are hurt feelings everywhere.

The complications multiply when one sibling did more caregiving but didn’t get “more” in the will. Or when the estate is complex and emotions are already raw from grief. 

If you’d told me before my father passed that we’d ever have conflicts over this stuff, I would have said absolutely not. But here’s the truth: loss brings all the emotions to the yard.

Birth Order Blues That Never End

That whole “oldest child is most responsible” thing? It doesn’t stop at 18.

If you’re the eldest daughter, you’ve probably been the built-in babysitter, the mini-parent, the one expected just to handle things. I was talking to a friend recently who was 12 when her youngest brother was born, and there was just this total expectation that whenever her parents wanted to go out, she’d babysit. No discussion, no choice.

The resentment builds when your childhood gets sacrificed for family convenience. Then, there is a plot twist: the other siblings resent you because you act “bossy,” even though you were literally put in charge. 

It’s a lose-lose situation that can echo for decades.

The Favorite Child Phenomenon (That Everyone Pretends Doesn’t Exist)

Research from Cornell University found that 70% of mothers in their sixties and seventies felt closer to one child over another. Of course, that’s true because we’re all different people! But here’s the question: do the siblings know who the favorite is?

I bet if you asked everyone in your family growing up, you’d all be able to identify the favorites.

We certainly can in mine (and we kind of joke about it, but I don’t think we’re really joking). Whether the favoritism is real or just perceived, that resentment can last your entire life.

Aging Parents and the Caregiver Olympics

This is where gender roles really rear their ugly head. According to a 2020 consensus report on caregiving, 61% of people who make medical appointments and provide care to aging parents are women. If you’re the daughter in a family of sons, or the “designated oldest child” regardless of your actual birth order, guess who gets handed the emotional labor?

I was the youngest in my family but somehow became the designated oldest child, taking responsibility for all the things. (Shoutout to Abby Wambach for confirming she experienced the same thing when I was on “We Can Do Hard Things.” Sometimes you just know your people!)

Success Disparities and Jealousy

When one sibling is more successful than others, it can create its own set of problems. If you’re the “golden child” or “hero child,” there’s pressure to keep performing. But there can also be resentment from siblings who feel like they’re living in your shadow or that your success somehow diminishes their worth.

The Grandchildren Factor

If grandchildren are important to your family system, suddenly, the sibling with kids might become the favorite again. Those without children can feel pushed to the margins, like their lives matter less because they’re not continuing the family line.

The Real Issue: We’re All Still Playing Childhood Roles

Here’s what I’ve learned after 25+ years as a therapist: most sibling conflicts aren’t really about the surface issue. They’re about those invisible family roles we got assigned before we were old enough to have a say: golden child, scapegoat, mascot, parentified child, invisible one.

These roles influence our identities, and we keep playing them out even when they’re exhausting us. Nothing like spending time with your family of origin to make you feel 12 years old again, right?

But here’s the thing: your history doesn’t have to be your destiny. You don’t have to be the unpaid CEO of your family system just because that’s how it’s always been.

What You Can Do About It

Get Proactive Before Crisis Hits

Those hard conversations about aging parents, healthcare wishes, and financial planning? Have them long before you need to. Don’t wait until someone’s in hospice to figure out the will situation. Talk about expectations, resources, and who’s responsible for what.

Look Inward First

Before you try to change your siblings, ask yourself: Am I operating from my adult self or my wounded 12-year-old self? Are you trying to fulfill that hero child role out of habit? Or staying invisible because you’re afraid to assert yourself?

Set Boundaries Around Invisible Labor

If you’re the family organizer, crisis responder, or emotional go-between, you’re probably exhausted. It’s time to get honest about your capacity. You can say something like: “I want to be part of supporting Mom, and I also need to be honest about what I can’t do. Here’s what I’m available for, and here’s what I’m not.”

Make Requests, Not Complaints

Instead of building resentment, try: “I need you to take on the financial planning, or we’ll need to get outside help.” It’s direct, it’s clear, and it opens the door for solutions.

Remember: you’re not responsible for how your boundaries make someone else feel. You’re only responsible for negotiating for your needs, setting healthy limits, and protecting yourself and your relationships.

The truth is, so much of sibling conflict isn’t really anyone’s fault. Your parents probably did the best they could with the bandwidth they had. But that doesn’t mean you must keep carrying patterns that don’t serve you.

You have choices now that you didn’t have as a kid. The question is: are you ready to exercise them? I know you can do it!

I’m curious to know if this episode added value to your life. If it resonated with you, I’d love to hear about it! What family role do you recognize yourself in? What’s one boundary you’re ready to set with your siblings? Share in the comments or tag me on Instagram (@terricole).

For more strategies and conversation starters to help navigate these tricky sibling dynamics, grab the free guide that goes with this episode.

And if you love diving deep into this kind of content, remember I have a membership where we do Q&A-style conversations like this every single week. You can check that out at terricole.com/TCM.

I hope you have the most amazing week and as always, take care of you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if my sibling refuses to have these difficult conversations about aging parents or family responsibilities?

A: You can’t force someone to engage, but you can control your own actions. Start by being clear about your own boundaries and what you’re willing to take on. Sometimes when one person starts changing the dynamic by setting limits, it forces others to step up. If they still won’t engage, consider getting outside help (mediators, elder care consultants) rather than burning yourself out.

Q: How do I know if I’m stuck in an unhealthy family role versus just being naturally helpful?

A: Great question! If your “helping” feels compulsive, exhausting, or like you have no choice in the matter, that’s a red flag. Healthy helping comes from choice and doesn’t leave you resentful. Ask yourself: Do I feel like everything will fall apart if I don’t handle it? Am I doing things others could do for themselves? If yes, you might be stuck in an old role.

Q: Is it possible to change family dynamics when everyone else seems invested in keeping things the same?

A: Absolutely, but it takes patience and consistency. When you change how you show up, it forces the whole system to adjust even if there’s initial pushback. Start small, stay consistent with your boundaries, and don’t try to change everyone else. Focus on your own behavior and responses. Change is possible, but it’s usually a gradual process.

Q: What if I feel guilty about setting boundaries with my siblings, especially around caring for aging parents?

A: Guilt is normal when you’re changing long-standing patterns, especially if you’ve been the “responsible one.” Remember that setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s actually protective of your relationships. Burning yourself out helps no one in the long run. You can be loving and supportive while still maintaining your limits. The guilt usually lessens as you see that boundaries actually improve family dynamics over time.

752 Sibling Conflict in Adult Relationships

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
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“Maybe your family still sees you as the responsible one who can handle everything or as the broken one. What can we do about it if we feel like we’re stuck in these roles?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are family roles still running your life?

Do you feel like you’re always the “responsible one” in your family?

Are you exhausted from being the designated crisis responder, organizer, or emotional go-between for your siblings?

Do you find yourself stuck in the same childhood role you’ve been playing for decades, even though you’re a full-grown adult?

If you’re nodding along, you’re definitely not alone. I’ve been getting tons of emails from people struggling with difficult sibling relationships, dealing with lingering resentment, invisible labor, and feeling trapped in roles they never asked for but somehow feel like they can’t escape.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m breaking down the six biggest triggers that keep adult siblings stuck in conflict, why those childhood family roles still control us, and what you can actually do to change these exhausting patterns.

Highlights:6:00 How grief and estates create conflict and competitiveness among adult siblings8:00 The way birth order continues to affect relationships even as you grow up12:30 Taking on roles with aging parents17:00 Fairness among adult siblings21:50 The reality of invisible laborLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

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751 Secrets of Adulthood with Gretchen Rubin

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“When uncertain about how to proceed, make the choice that allows you to live the bigger life. Step into the future.” – Gretchen Rubin

Intro

On today’s episode I’m interviewing special guest Gretchen Rubin, who transitioned from a successful law career to become a bestselling author, speaker, and happiness expert. She tells me all about how her quest to understand power, money, fame, and happiness led her to write bestselling books like The Happiness Project. In this episode, Gretchen shares her insights on redefining success, embracing change, and living a life aligned with your values. Tune in to explore how you can expand your own idea of success and step into a bigger life!

Highlights:5:15 The inspiration behind Gretchen’s book, Secrets of Adulthood8:30 Gretchen’s origin story12:40 The direction that helped Gretchen leave behind her law training to become a writer16:30 Expanding your definition of success 20:45 Gretchen explains some of Terri’s favorite aphorisms from Secrets of Adulthood24:21 The importance of a deadline 32:00 Parenting kids in a way that gives them independence41:50 Handling uncertainty with graceConnect with Gretchen Rubin

Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature. She’s known for her ability to convey complex ideas—from science to literature to stories from her own life—with levity and clarity.She’s the author of many bestselling books, such as The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, and The Four Tendencies, which have sold millions of copies in more than thirty languages.

Her most recent book is Life in Five Senses. She’s also host of the popular podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and founder of award-winning Happier app, which helps people track their happiness-boosting habits. Gretchen Rubin has been interviewed by Oprah, eaten dinner with Nobel Prize-winner Daniel Kahneman, walked arm-in-arm with the Dalai Lama, had her work reported on in a medical journal, been written up in the New Yorker, and been an answer on Jeopardy! After starting her career in law, she realized she wanted to be a writer while she was clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her family.

Website: https://gretchenrubin.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

750 The Opposite of Settling with Mindfulness Expert Case Kenny

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Don’t date to be liked, date to be seen.” – Case Kenny

Intro

On today’s episode, I get to welcome my pal Case Kenny back to the Terri Cole Show! We’re exploring the themes of his new book, The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark. He shares how we can redefine relationships to embrace independence, start dating already happy and complete, and find love that amplifies our true selves. If love is a part of your life (and what human could say it isn’t?), then you need to hear today’s episode!

Highlights:3:30 Case’s origin story as a writer6:30 Creating optimism in your life by finding reasons to be hopeful14:30 How love can upgrade every aspect of your life23:20 Why modern dating can be so overwhelming29:50 Advice for people feeling pressure from others over their love lives32:40 Appreciating love even when it ends poorlyConnect with Case Kenny

Case is on a mission to help people live more optimistic, mindful, and authentic lives.Since 2014, he has been writing, speaking, and teaching practical ways to cultivate self-awareness, build confidence, and quiet the overthinking mind. His podcast New Mindset, Who Dis? has resonated with millions of listeners, and his viral red pen writing on Instagram reaches hundreds of millions more. Through his best-selling journals, debut book That’s Bold of You, and live workshops around the world, he empowers people to challenge self-doubt through actionable mindfulness practices and trust that the best is yet to come. In addition to his work with the general public, Case also works with athletes to strengthen their mental resilience through guided mindfulness and journaling, helping them process transitions, overcome mental blocks, and build lasting confidence.

Website: https://www.casekenny.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

​​How to Stop Carrying Everyone Else’s Emotional Weight

Well, hello there. Let me ask you something: Are you the person everyone leans on? 

The fixer. The supporter. The one who holds it all together when things fall apart?

If that sounds like you, you’re not alone. 

In fact, for a long time, that was me. And sure, there was a part of me that took pride in being reliable. 

But there was also a part that was utterly exhausted.

Today, I am unpacking what it means to be the emotional go-to in your family or relationships, how that role develops, and how we can start to shift it without abandoning the people we care about or losing ourselves in the process.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Role You Didn’t Ask For

For many of us, this role started early. Whether you’re the eldest daughter or, like me, the youngest of four who somehow became the “designated oldest,” the pattern was the same: You became the one people turned to. The one who handled things, listened, and fixed.

It might have felt good at first, being needed often does. For many of us, being a helper is a part of our identity, how we belong, or feel valued. But over time, you may begin to notice the cost: emotional exhaustion, resentment, or feeling invisible. 

But here’s the truth: Belonging that requires self-abandonment is not belonging.

The Identity Trap

Letting go of the emotional go-to role is hard. Not just because others resist. But because you might resist. You might wonder, “Who am I if I’m not the strong one? Will they still love me if I stop fixing everything?”

These are real, valid fears. In my 30s, one of my sisters was going through a painful divorce, and I jumped into action. I paid for her lawyer, went to court, and emotionally carried it a lot. 

When I started to question whether I could keep doing it, my mother said, “You have to get involved. I’m too old for this.” 

The guilt was immense. I felt responsible for fixing everything. And ashamed for wanting to step back.

Eventually, I hit a wall. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. At the same time, I was facing a cancer diagnosis that forced me to prioritize my own life and health. 

That crisis gave me clarity. I could no longer carry everyone else’s weight.

And here’s what I learned: You can be supportive and involved without taking full responsibility for someone else’s situation.

Facing the Fear, Guilt, and Grief

Stepping out of this role might bring up some intense emotions. Fear of rejection. Guilt for changing. Grief for the identity you’re leaving behind.

And yet, you’re not really losing anything. You’re gaining something vital: yourself.

What’s Really Going On: Secondary Gain

Even if the role is overwhelming, there are unconscious benefits to staying in it. We feel important. We stay in control. We get to avoid our own feelings by focusing on others. We get praise.

This is called secondary gain. Ask yourself: What do I get to not face, not feel, or not experience by continuing in this role?

Awareness of these hidden motives doesn’t make you bad. It makes you human. And it gives you the power to choose differently.

Codependency, Enmeshment, and Emotional Boundaries

When you’re the go-to, you might feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions and fear that setting boundaries equals betrayal.

But someone else’s reaction to your boundaries is not your responsibility.

We must expect some resistance from everyone involved. Change is threatening, and we need to give our nervous systems a minute to adjust to a healthier way of being.

Shifting the PatternIdentify the Dynamics: No blame, just clarity. What role do you play? What expectations exist?Define Your Emotional Boundaries: What can you hold? What can’t you?Speak with Compassion and Clarity: Clear is kind. Be direct without being harsh.Prepare for Pushback: Change disrupts the dance, especially with family.Seek Support: Coaching, therapy, or a supportive community (like mine!) can help you stay grounded.

Remember: healthy relationships are not one-sided. You deserve reciprocity. And protecting your peace is not abandonment—it’s evolution.

If this message resonates, I created a free guide to help you start shifting out of emotional over-functioning. Grab it at terricole.com/guide.

And if you’re looking for real support, not just more self-help, join us inside the Terri Cole Membership. We’re navigating these changes together, and there is a place for you.

You don’t have to carry it all anymore.

As always, take care of you.