Terri Cole's Blog, page 6

738 How Your Childhood Trust Blueprint Affects Every Relationship (And What to Do About It)

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“If we’re never positive of somebody’s motives, how can we ever relax?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you been going through life confused about why the people you trust always seem to let you down? Or do you avoid trusting anyone because you aren’t sure who deserves it? You might have learned disordered trust patterns from your family of origin. On today’s episode, I’m sharing some strategies for identifying patterns that don’t serve you and getting clarity on who deserves a space in the front row of your life.

Highlights:3:40 Going back to your trust blueprint11:20 The consequences of a disordered relationship with trust15:30 Where does real trust come from?Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

737 Food, Family, and Fun with Comedian Tim Chantarangsu

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“When you’re parents, it’s a conscious effort to keep the spark alive. If I want to enjoy time with my wife, I have to carve it out and make sure we’re committed to that.” – Tim Chantarangsu

Intro

I’m so excited to have Tim Chantarangsu on the show to talk about life as a comedian, being one of the OG content creators (he started *before* YouTube was a thing), family, food, and being a father. 

I met Tim on the set of Counsel Culture with Nick Cannon and was immediately drawn to how insightful and humorous he was. I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did!

Highlights:4:50 Tim’s origin story giving relationship advice in the age of MySpace8:00 How Tim’s Thai background molded his sense of humour 11:35 What Tim loves about his time on TV and what he doesn’t20:40 Parenting and keeping the spark alive with your partner23:50 How Tim decided to write his own movie instead of waiting for the right script to come along28:20 Tim’s acting influences and inspirationsConnect with Tim Chantarangsu

Tim Chantarangsu is a comedian, rapper, and actor who built a following of over 4 million Youtube subscribers and over 1 billion views. He has since made his presence known online and also on the small screen, as a starring cast member on MTV’s hiphop improv comedy show Wild ‘N Out for 8 seasons, and 3 seasons of Deliciousness, while also appearing on shows like Guy Code and Blindspotting on the Starz Network. He travels the country eating and drinking on his travel show Send Foodz on Thrillist, And When Foodie Calls, and continues to crank out content both online and off, including many independent films and multiple podcasts like No Chaser and Dudes Behind the Foods.

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Timothy

IG: https://instagram.com/timchantarangsu

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss (Tips Inside)

Do you catch yourself saying…

I don’t want them to think…

I don’t want them to feel…

I don’t want to seem difficult…        

I don’t want to hurt their feelings…

If so, this episode is for you because it’s about becoming a boundary boss without guilt. When we say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I just wanted to be nice,” we’re often self-abandoning and either not being honest or not setting boundaries we need to set. It’s time to change that!

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Struggle of Setting Boundaries

Many people say things like, “I don’t want them to think/feel…” out of kindness and consideration.

But it’s not real kindness. It’s fear of rejection or self-abandonment masquerading as politeness. 

No shame- since childhood, we were trained to make other people comfortable at the expense of our comfort. 

I never even thought about my comfort or discomfort because I was so focused on others. Maybe you can relate! 

Many people confuse being liked with being safe and do everything to avoid conflict or drama. 

We might have silenced our needs to avoid rocking the boat or said yes when we really wanted to say hell no. 

This behavior was adaptive in childhood (it was how we survived), but continuing it in adulthood comes at a high cost, and there’s a better, healthier way to go about life: with boundaries! 

What Are Boundaries?

Let’s go back to the basics of personal boundaries, because this is the missing key for most people to live an authentic life with more freedom and less resentment. 

Spoiler alert: boundaries aren’t about controlling others, and they’re not just about saying “no.” They’re not even about keeping people out. 

Boundaries are about keeping you safe, sane, and sovereign within. They’re about us, not others. 

Boundaries consist of your preferences (what you want and don’t want), your limits (what’s okay and not okay with you), and your deal breakers (what you’ll always walk away from). 

Boundaries are unique because they’re based on what matters to you. There’s no way to say someone else’s boundaries are right or wrong. 

They’re a practice in self-ownership, not punishment. 

Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors or bridges you control (as opposed to other people). They can feel mean when you were raised to believe that your needs are threatening to someone else. 

As I always say, we can set boundaries with kindness, compassion, love, and a little heat, if needed. 

Five Types of Boundaries

Many people think boundaries are just about saying “no,” but they’re so much more than that. Let’s look at the five categories that boundaries fall into.

Physical boundaries are about your personal space and physical touch. Example: “I’m not comfortable hugging,” or “I prefer a handshake over a hug.”

Emotional boundaries are your right to own your feelings and not absorb other people’s. It’s being able to differentiate between your pain and someone else’s. An example is, “I understand you’re upset, but I need space to process.” 

Mental boundaries are about your thoughts, values, and beliefs. It’s like your intellectual freedom. Example: “I respect your opinion, but I think differently.” 

Material boundaries are about your possessions, money, and time as a resource. Example: “I can’t lend my car this weekend,” or “I don’t lend money. It’s not personal, it’s my policy.” 

Energetic boundaries are your capacity and presence, as well as your spiritual and emotional energy. An example is saying “I’m not available to talk right now” if you know you don’t have the bandwidth for a conversation. 

When one of these is out of alignment, you’ll feel it in your body, mood, and relationships. 

For more boundary scripts, download The Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say in Each. 

Boundary Myths and Truths

Boundaries can feel challenging to set because one of the most common fears (and myths) is that setting boundaries is selfish. We don’t want others to think we’re not generous.

This fear is even more pronounced when you’re a woman, because chances are, you learned that being perceived as nice and being nice was extremely important. 

Abandoning your needs is not a noble pursuit. And it is unnecessary. 

Self-abandonment also tends to lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from others- all things we want to avoid.

The truth is, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, stop, and reinforce. 

We endlessly tell others how to treat us by what we do or don’t do. We may try to assert a boundary or complain about something, but changes won’t happen or stick if we don’t reinforce them. 

It’s not kind to always be available, never say no, constantly pick up the slack for others, and pretend to be fine.

When you ignore your needs, you give permission for others to do the same. 

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have because it sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. 

Your boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. And if you don’t define them, someone else will. 

When you don’t assert your boundaries, you’re like a tiny boat caught up in a tsunami of other people’s boundaries, desires, thoughts, needs, and limits. They’re dictating the weather.

Getting healthier and learning to set and communicate our boundaries changes this scenario. We become the weather, and our life is the boat. We’re dictating and determining the direction of our lives.

Don’t Focus on This Question

If you ever wonder, “Why would someone ask this of me?” or “Why would they do that to me?”, you’re asking the wrong question. 

The right question is, “Now that they’ve done this, what will I do? What is my limit? Where’s my boundary?”

Again, when we don’t define our boundaries, someone else will, and they are usually doing so with their own best interest in mind.  

What Setting Healthy Boundaries Looks + Sounds Like

We have finite bandwidth, and boundaries can give us the clarity and self-trust to begin living more authentically. 

Setting personal boundaries can sound like, “No, I’m not available,” without over-explaining. 

It sounds like saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” when you want to rest and someone else wants just one more thing. 

It looks like letting people sit with their feelings without rescuing them: no auto-advice giving, jumping in, or putting on a cape. 

It looks like ending conversations that feel manipulative or draining, asking for what you need, and expecting it to matter to the most important people in your life. 

Your VIPs don’t necessarily have to understand why you’re upset about something, but they need to care about how you feel. 

Having healthy boundaries also means no longer always saying yes to others and no to ourselves or what we want.

A more authentic version of you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set with others, or the no you don’t give, but want to.

To get started, grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each.

Addressing Common Fears When Setting Boundaries

One of the top questions I get asked is, “What if someone gets mad when I try to set a boundary?”

They might! Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having boundaries. 

Focus on this: when you begin honoring your limits, the people who love you will adjust and respect you more. 

There may be growing pains, but because how you feel and what you want matters to them, they will make your boundaries matter because you matter. 

Those using you for your lack of boundaries won’t love this change, but nobody will die over it. Their discomfort with the situation isn’t yours to carry. 

It might feel terrifying to set boundaries if you’ve spent years people-pleasing, overgiving, or managing other people’s emotions.

If so, I see you, and I feel you.

But boundaries do not create distance. They create clarity. 

Knowing your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers allows you to fully show up as yourself, rather than out of obligation or guilt. 

The most tragic part of people pleasing and appeasing your life away is that people don’t know the real you.

Sharing your boundaries is sharing your true self with your people, and you are worth knowing.

Are you ready to build boundaries that stick? Join me in Boundary Bootcamp, my signature course that dives deep into identifying hidden guilt triggers, speaking boundaries clearly and calmly, navigating pushback without folding or getting too heated, building internal boundaries to stop self-abandonment, and so much more. We start soon, and I’d love to have you.

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each, which contains the words you need to begin setting boundaries. 

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

736 Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Your personal boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. If you don’t define your boundaries, someone else will– And that’s a fact.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you catch yourself saying…

I don’t want them to think…

I don’t want them to feel…

I don’t want to seem difficult…

I don’t want to hurt their feelings…

If so, this episode is for you because it’s about becoming a boundary boss without guilt. When we say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I just wanted to be nice,” we’re self-abandoning and not setting boundaries we need to set. It’s time to change that!

Highlights:5:10 Why it feels so scary to create conflict, even necessary conflict8:00 The five categories of boundaries12:30 The consequences of not maintaining your boundaries17:30 The benefits of real, healthy boundariesLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

735 How to Let Go and Let Love with Jennifer Pastiloff

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“I was so afraid that someone would see who that really was, and that I was a bad person. Eventually I really let love in, and ultimately, it was toward myself too.” – Jennifer Pastiloff

Intro

I’m thrilled to welcome my close pal, Jennifer Pastiloff, back to the show to celebrate the release of her new book, Proof of Life: Let Go, Let Love, and Stop Looking for Permission to Live Your Life. It’s a call to arms to stop self-abandoning and no longer wait for permission, which I think is perfect for this community.

Jen has such a unique voice and wonderful sense of humor, and in this girlfriend jam, we talk about shame loss, Jen’s inspiration for the subtitle, and how she is really living what she’s writing about. It’s so inspiring and empowering. 

Watch to the end because she also shares a beautiful poem for those who feel like they’re constantly behind. I think you’ll love it! 

P.S. Jen’s TEDx Talk, Nothing You Do Is Wrong: https://youtu.be/_-RlIS9JbhM?si=fU2V8...

Highlights:5:20 The inspiration behind Proof of Life 13:40 When Jennifer started to believe she could deserve big love19:25 Why shame is so hard to leave behind16:00 Acknowledging the messy nature of life and living33:40 Jennifer shares a poem from Proof of LifeConnect with Jennifer Pastiloff

Jennifer Pastiloff trots the globe as a public speaker and to host her retreats in Italy, as well as her one-of-a-kind workshops, which she has

taught to thousands of people all over the world. The author of the popular

Substack, also called Proof of Life, she teaches writing and creativity classes called Allow, and workshops called Shame Loss, when she isn’t painting and selling her art. She has been featured on Good Morning America, and Katie Couric, and in New York magazine, People, Shape, Health magazine, and other media outlets for her authenticity and unique voice. She is deaf, reads lips, and mishears almost everything, but what she hears is usually funnier (at least she thinks so). The author of the national bestseller On Being Human, Pastiloff lives in Southern California with her son, Charlie Mel.

Substack: https://proofoflifewithjen.substack.com/

IG: https://instagram.com/jenpastiloff

Website: https://jenniferpastiloff.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Do you rush to fix other people’s problems even before they ask you to?

Do you pride yourself on being the go-to person people turn to for help?

Are you the “I’m fine, I got it” person when it comes to your own problems?

Maybe you anticipate other people’s needs, overdeliver, rarely ask for help, and also feel exhausted, resentful, and underappreciated, while wondering why your relationships feel unsatisfying. 

If this resonates, or you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC), today’s episode is for you. I’m talking about when “helping” is hurtful, how HFCs tend to cross boundaries (even with good intentions), the hidden cost of emotional fixing, and how to respect the sovereignty of others. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Truth About High-Functioning Codependency

Talking about help being hurtful is complicated because we’re not trying to hurt when we help, but sometimes, auto-fixing and auto-helping are harmful. 

We usually associate messy and dramatic ‘neediness’ with codependency, but this isn’t the case with HFCs, who are highly capable. 

Beneath the calm exterior of an HFC is an invisible compulsion to manage other people’s emotions; to fix instead of feel.

As an HFC, you might be an empath, and other people’s pain may feel too overwhelming to sit with. You might fix and offer solutions to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.

HFCs also tend to believe they need to earn love through usefulness. They feel compelled to earn their place. Their value feels directly connected to what they do. 

It’s important to state that none of these behaviors make you a bad person. It’s not malicious. 

When I was an active HFC in my 20s, my heart was in the right place. I never intended to trample people’s boundaries or control people. I was doing those things, but unconsciously.

These are learned behaviors. We’re just trying to survive the emotions we don’t know how to manage. And often, especially with over-functioning and over-giving, being the savior or hyper-helper becomes our identity. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence

Generally speaking, HFCs fear becoming a burden to others, relying on people, or being too needy. Their hyper-independence often pushes people away.

Not allowing others to give to us is exhausting and unhealthy for our relationships. 

I had this revelation 27 years ago, shortly after meeting my husband, Vic. 

Three weeks into dating, I injured my ankle, and we were both due to travel separately. Since I couldn’t walk, I had to rely on him for help.

Vic spent hours driving from store to store trying to find the perfect ankle wrap so I could walk on it during my trip, calling me with updates along the way.

I remember hanging up the phone and realizing I could count on him, that it was okay he was going out of his way for me, and that he thought I was worth going out of his way for. What would it be like if I just received that?

I began crying because I felt such deep relief. I wondered whether I could let myself believe that Vic was highly capable and emotionally trustworthy, and that it was okay to let him do things for me. 

It wasn’t easy! Trusting him in this capacity felt so threatening to me as an over-functioner because my way of feeling safe was overdoing and being the hyper-caretaker for him.

Thankfully, the universe put me in this position because I’m not sure I would have given up my HFC ways otherwise. 

How High-Functioning Codependents Cross Boundaries

How can HFCs be boundary bullies without meaning to be?

When you live in fixer mode, it can be challenging to slow down and realize that giving auto-advice someone hasn’t asked for is crossing a boundary. 

When we do something for someone they haven’t asked us to do, that we don’t even know if they want us to do, we’re also crossing boundaries. 

It’s hard to reckon with, but auto-fixing and auto-advice giving prevent others from building their own emotional strength and resiliency. Their problem-solving skills don’t improve when we automatically solve problems for them. 

Trying to stop someone from crying or jumping in isn’t always about kindness. It could be a way to soothe your own anxiety.

When I was an active HFC, my behavior wasn’t solely driven by wanting to be Mother Teresa. It was driven by how uncomfortable I felt with someone’s pain, suffering, or lack of knowing what to do. 

Problem-solving without consent is a subtle form of control. Giving and giving until you’re depleted isn’t necessarily noble. It sets us up to be martyrs, which leads to resentment, which we don’t want. 

How to Respect Other People’s Boundaries

What does respecting other people’s boundaries and their right to be sovereign look like? 

It looks like doing less and being more, asking before acting, and letting people feel hard things without rushing in to remove the discomfort. 

It can sound like: 

“Would it help to talk through solutions, or do you just want someone to sit with you?” “I want to support you. How would you like me to show up right now? What would be helpful?”“What you’re going through seems hard. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I won’t try to fix it. I’m just here to be with you.”

Getting into recovery from being an HFC means giving others emotional respect and allowing them the dignity of their own process. It means giving them the gift of space, even when every cell in our body wants to “help.”

We might want to jump in, but we don’t need to. Download the guide for additional steps on how to respect other people’s boundaries. 

How to Move Into Healthier Relating

The real work for us as HFCs is just being with ourselves. 

Give yourself space to get radically curious about your own emotions and feelings, without numbing through productivity, drinking, Netflix, or drugs. 

Rest without feeling guilty.

Ask for support, even when it feels weird or like you might be asking for “too much.” You’d be shocked at how much people want to support you when given the chance. 

You also need to let go of the belief that your worth is tied to how needed you are by others. 

Being needed and being loved are two different things. 

The people in our lives don’t necessarily think we should be adding value at all times. That might not even be what they’re looking for from you. 

When you can respect your own boundaries, you’ll begin to notice and respect other people’s boundaries more naturally. 

When you’re not relating from this place of over-functioning, but instead from a place of presence, you can realize your presence is the present. 

You don’t have to save people to be loved. 

At the end of the day, what do we all want? Connection. 

But real connection doesn’t come from saving or fixing. It comes from standing beside someone in their mess and saying, “I see you. I trust you to feel this, but I’m here for support.”

The subtext of saving, on the other hand, is, “I don’t think you can handle this.” Isn’t it presumptuous to assume that other people can’t handle their own lives?

So just pause, take a deep breath, and ask before you act. 

As corny as it sounds, feeling is healing. There’s no healing for you or anyone else when we avoid our feelings, and there’s no way around the middle of this process.

And if you want to jumpstart your journey into recovery and healthier boundaries, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp, where HFCs come to unlearn guilt, over-giving, and emotional micromanaging, and reclaim their peace. 

You’ll learn to set boundaries that stick without the shame spiral, to say no without explaining your entire life story, and to reconnect with the version of you who doesn’t need to over-function to feel worthy.

If you’re ready to trade resentment for relief, join me inside the course! If not now, then when? If not you, then who? You’re the only one who can make these changes, and I’d love to walk you through it. 

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to download the guide for more ideas on how to shift into recovery. Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

734 Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

Intro

Become Your Own Boundary Boss Without the Guilt

Do you find yourself saying “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” while completely abandoning your own needs? You think you’re being nice, but you’re actually training people to ignore what matters to you—because you’re ignoring it first.

In this episode, Terri breaks down the hidden cost of people-pleasing and why “being nice” is often just self-abandonment dressed up as politeness.

She explains the 5 core types of boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, material, and energetic) and shares exactly what healthy boundary-setting looks like in real life.

You’ll learn:

Why boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors that YOU controlHow you teach people to treat you by what you allow, stop, and reinforceThe difference between being liked and being safeWhat to do when people get mad about your boundariesWhy the more authentic you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set

Plus, get Terri’s Boundary Script Kit with scripts for all 5 types of boundaries at terricole.com/guide.

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing and managing other people’s emotions, this episode will help you reclaim your peace and show up as your full, authentic self.

Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

 

 

Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

Intro

Become Your Own Boundary Boss Without the Guilt

Do you find yourself saying “I don’t want to hurt their feelings” while completely abandoning your own needs? You think you’re being nice, but you’re actually training people to ignore what matters to you—because you’re ignoring it first.

In this episode, Terri breaks down the hidden cost of people-pleasing and why “being nice” is often just self-abandonment dressed up as politeness.

She explains the 5 core types of boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, material, and energetic) and shares exactly what healthy boundary-setting looks like in real life.

You’ll learn:

Why boundaries aren’t walls—they’re doors that YOU controlHow you teach people to treat you by what you allow, stop, and reinforceThe difference between being liked and being safeWhat to do when people get mad about your boundariesWhy the more authentic you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set

Plus, get Terri’s Boundary Script Kit with scripts for all 5 types of boundaries at terricole.com/guide.

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing and managing other people’s emotions, this episode will help you reclaim your peace and show up as your full, authentic self.

Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

 

 

733 Attracting Love with Dating Coach Sabrina Zohar

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“I learned to take space in the moment. I learned that just because something happens in the moment doesn’t mean that in that moment I need to rectify it.” – Sabrina Zohar

Intro

I am so excited to have dating coach and podcast host Sabrina Zohar on the show to talk about dating, relational issues, and what a secure, emotionally safe relationship looks like. 

Sabrina shares the work that she did to get out of unhealthy relational patterns, how she navigates her relationship with her narcissistic father, what she and her partner do to make each other feel safe and secure, how she sets boundaries with difficult people, and so much more.

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did!

Highlights:2:55 Sabrina’s origin story with narcissism in her family of origin5:45 Sabrina’s podcast about anxiety, dating, and doing the work8:28 The elements of a secure relationship19:24 Why people need to take responsibility for their personal growth and healing in dating31:10 How grieving lost relationships can be part of setting healthy boundaries34:20 Sabrina’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Sabrina Zohar

Sabrina Zohar is a dynamic entrepreneur and dating coach renowned for her transformative podcast, The Sabrina Zohar Show. With a clear, no-nonsense approach to relationship advice, Sabrina’s podcast has resonated globally, ranking in the top 0.05% of all podcasts. Each episode features practical tips backed by board-certified and licensed psychologists, aimed at helping listeners improve their dating lives by fostering self-worth and personal growth. 

Website: https://sabrinazohar.com

IG: https://instagram.com/sabrina.zohar

 @Sabrina_zohar

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

The Cost of People-Pleasing, Why We Do It + How to Stop

Do you say yes when you’d rather say no?

Do you do more emotional labor in a lot of your relationships?

Are you the one everyone counts on, while you don’t feel comfortable relying on anyone? (Maybe you don’t even allow people to be there for you?)

If any of this sounds familiar, this episode is for you. 

I had many requests to do another episode on people-pleasing, so let’s cover how people-pleasing and self-abandonment are survival mechanisms, the cost of these behaviors to us and our relationships, and how we can slowly shift into healthier ways of relating.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Dispelling the Myth of People Pleasing

We like to believe we’re being nice when we’re people-pleasing. I certainly did. In my young life, I didn’t realize just how much of my behavior was people-pleasing or how often I looked for validation outside of myself. 

But people-pleasing isn’t an act of generosity or being kind. It’s an act of self-protection. 

Chronic people-pleasing often stems from a trauma response, especially fear of rejection and abandonment. It can be helpful to look at it as a nervous system survival strategy. In the context of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, it’s fawning. 

We fawn when we reflexively please others to avoid perceived danger, rejection, or abandonment, and to control what’s happening.

Fawning can look like being caring, but there’s fear underneath it. It’s emotional self-defense. You weren’t born this way; you became this way to stay safe. 

People-pleasing was likely an adaptive behavior for you in childhood. Kids’ ability to adapt to their environment is pretty miraculous. No one had to tell us what to do. We knew what we needed to do to survive. 

There’s nothing to feel ashamed of or bad about if you people please. We come by these behaviors honestly. But looking at the truth makes it easier to transform them. The quality of our lives improves when we keep the good and get healthier around what’s dysfunctional. 

The Impact of Childhood Wounds (Why We People Please)

It can sometimes help to look at our original wounds to figure out why we behave the way we do as adults.

Maybe you had a volatile parent and learned to be easy to stay under the radar. 

Or maybe you grew up in a family system where love was conditional and became hyper-attuned to everyone’s moods to know whether the conditions were good for you to be loved. 

Being “the good one” can also be a way for you to feel safe. This was true for me. I felt pressured to over-function for everyone in my family system and to be a good student, sister, and friend. 

While I found safety in the performance of it, it was exhausting. 

People-pleasing is often the adult mask of a child who was never allowed to take up emotional space. 

And if you weren’t allowed to take up emotional space as a child, you may not know how to do it as an adult or feel unsafe trying. 

Why People Pleasing is Self-Abandonment

People-pleasing is self-abandonment because, in trying to keep others happy, regulated, and feeling good about us, we naturally disconnect from our needs, preferences, and identity. 

In my 20s, if anyone I dated liked hip hop or country, I did, too. I took on their likes and dislikes to avoid pushback. I shapeshifted into what I thought would make me lovable and desirable to them. 

This behavior is important to be aware of because it can be easy to lose ourselves in relationships. 

Here are examples of self-abandonment: 

Feeling exhausted but saying yes to something anywayApologizing for someone’s hurt feelings (not for anything you did)Saying you’re fine when you’re notOffering to help when you have no energy

When we people please and self-abandon, our focus is centered on others. We’re not looking inwards, which moves us away from our intuition and truth. 

If you’re not people-pleasing, who are you? 

The Cost of People Pleasing

People-pleasing behavior is often unconscious, but it comes at a cost to us and our relationships. Let’s take an honest look at it, without judgment.

When we say yes when we want to say no, we become resentful, exhausted, or blame others for what we do and don’t do. 

When we constantly apologize and assume fault for everything, we put ourselves in a one-down position. We’re telling everyone I’m wrong, I did something wrong, it’s my fault. This happens without discernment, and it’s not good for our relationships or self-esteem. 

When we automatically over-give and under-ask, we rob ourselves of the chance to receive and others of the chance to help be part of our solution. Here’s a personal example from my marriage. Early in my career as a therapist (back when I commuted from NYC to upstate NY), I started crying and couldn’t stop after a rough week. I called Vic and told him I couldn’t get on the Amtrak train back home. Like I could not make myself move (or stop crying).

Sensing how much distress I was in, he replied, “Hold on, babe, I’m getting in the car,” and drove three hours to scoop me up and drive me back home (another three hours).

As a hyper-independent people-pleaser, I had rarely let someone go out of their way for me like this. But in allowing it, I realized how much I trusted him, which flooded me with relief.

This happened years ago, and Vic still shows up for me. If I hadn’t let him in, I don’t think our relationship would be as satisfying as it is 27 years in. A deep give-and-take dynamic is necessary for interdependence, which is incredibly important in any relationship. 

People pleasers tend to keep the peace at their own expense, too. How often do you take one for the team without being asked to?

Cheryl Richardson’s quote comes to mind: “If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself.”

Keeping the peace is a short-term plan. Every time you self-abandon to avoid abandoning someone else, you reinforce the limiting belief that your needs don’t matter. 

We pay for these behaviors. If you can feel tension in your body, that’s its way of telling you that you need to do something different and pause. 

The biggest cost may be that constantly presenting a false sense of self to people leads them to love a version of us that doesn’t exist. 

How to Shift Into Less Self-Abandonment + People Pleasing

Here are a few steps to begin shifting away from people-pleasing and into more truth-telling. 

First, pause before committing to anything and ask yourself two questions: 1) Do I have the bandwidth to do this without becoming resentful? 2) Do I even want to do it? (The second one is important. So many of us never bother to ask ourselves this!)

Second, use your body as a barometer. If you feel tightness, it’s probably a no. But if you feel expansive, it might be a yes. 

This might sound simplistic, but dialing into the wisdom of your body is helpful because it’s always there for you; you just need to learn how to listen to it. 

Third, learn the power of pausing. Say, “Let me think about it,” or “I have a 24-hour decision-making policy. I’ll get back to you on that.”

There is nothing wrong with simply saying, “I’d like to think about it.” 

These small nos and pauses help us avoid self-abandonment because we’re building discernment around how we treat ourselves. 

The truth is, saying no doesn’t push the right people away. It filters out those who only like us for what we do for them.

If someone needs you to abandon yourself to be in their life, that isn’t love, that’s control.

You don’t have to be some polished version of yourself to be worthy. You are worthy as you are. Your uniqueness is what makes you interesting. 

Don’t abandon yourself to keep others close to you. The people who belong in your life will embrace you changing, growing, and evolving, even if you disappoint them sometimes. 

Being disappointed is part of life. Perfection in relationships doesn’t exist because we’re all human beings just trying our best. 

I hope this episode added value to your life. Let me know if you had any insights in the comments or on Instagram, and as always, take care of you. 

P.S. Did you hear? The doors to Boundary Bootcamp are OPEN! If anything in this episode resonated with you, join us to learn how to break free from limiting beliefs and behavior patterns and unleash your true self: a woman who expresses herself fearlessly, meets her needs with grace, and loves herself completely! LFG!!!