The Power of Co-Regulation

Well, hello there. Let me start with a question: When you’re upset, do you feel like you have to manage your emotions all on your own? Do you white-knuckle through tough moments, telling yourself, “I’ve got this,” even when you’re hanging on by a thread?

We hear so much about emotional self-regulation, but not enough about co-regulation. And that, my friends, is where the magic happens. Because the truth is, we were never meant to regulate alone.

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Why We Heal Better Together

Your nervous system wasn’t built for hyper-independence. It’s not designed to heal in isolation. From the time we’re born, we rely on others to soothe us, hold us, and tell us it’s okay to feel whatever we’re feeling. That need doesn’t vanish just because we grow up.

Here’s a grounding you can do right now. To experience it virtually with me, head over to the podcast or YouTube episode where I guide you through it live. Otherwise, keep reading for a short version you can try right here.

Close your eyesTake a deep breath in through your nose… and let it out slowly through your mouth.Drop your attention inward. Ask yourself, “How does my body feel right now?” Don’t judge-just notice.Tune into your senses.What do you hear, right now, in this space?Can you imagine what the room looks like with your eyes closed?Is there a taste in your mouth you can identify?What’s the temperature of the air?Is the surface you’re sitting or lying on hard or soft?

These small check-ins bring you back to the present moment. That’s grounding. And when we do it together, it becomes co-regulation. Even through a podcast, even virtually, we connected, and your nervous system felt it.

This, right here, is the beginning of co-regulation.

What Co-Regulation Looks Like

Co-regulation is when someone else’s calm helps you find your own. It’s not about fixing. It’s about being felt. It’s when someone sits with you and simply witnesses your experience with compassion. It’s when a group takes a deep breath together before diving into something heavy. It’s when your partner says, “I’ve got you,” without trying to make the feelings go away.

In my marriage with Vic, we have a rule: only one of us gets to lose it at a time. When I’m spinning out, Vic grounds, he doesn’t jump on my fear train. He stays calm and says, “It could all work out, Ter.” And that simple presence? That’s co-regulation.

The Cost of Going It Alone

Let me speak directly to my high-functioning codependents out there, those of us who pride ourselves on being self-sufficient to a fault. We’ve been taught that needing people makes us weak. But strength without support isn’t resilience. It’s survival mode.

Hyper-independence might feel noble, but it’s exhausting. Journaling through your trauma in isolation, meditating in a vacuum, endlessly processing your feelings alone, it’s too much. Even joy starts to lose its shine when you have no one to share it with.

Healing Is Biological

Dr. Stephen Porges, the brilliant mind behind polyvagal theory, says, “The way we feel safe is through connections with others.” That hit me right in the gut. I literally choked up recording the podcast. Because I get it. I’m the youngest of four girls, and connection is everything to me.

And while not everyone needs as many people as I do, we all need someone. Someone who can hold the space. Someone who doesn’t try to fix you but instead says, “I see you. I’m here.”

Real-Life Co-Regulation

Sometimes co-regulation happens in the smallest, most unexpected ways. It’s the friend who texts “thinking of you” on a hard day. It’s the coworker who silently slides over a cup of tea when you look frazzled. It’s the moment a stranger offers a knowing smile, and somehow your shoulders drop without you even realizing it. These examples might seem simple, but they communicate something deeply primal-you’re not alone. Your nervous system recognizes that signal and begins to soften, to settle. And in that softness, real healing begins.

When I started running my boundary course years ago, I wasn’t sure if what worked in one-on-one therapy would work in a group. Spoiler alert: it worked even better. Why? Because of co-regulation. The group became a sacred container, a space where everyone could be seen, heard, and supported.

We ground together at the start of every session. We witness each other without judgment. We celebrate small wins, grieve losses, and sit in silence when needed. That shared experience, that unified field of support? That is what heals.

Micro-Moments of Medicine

Healing doesn’t require grand gestures. It lives in micro-moments:

When someone mirrors your truth without flinching.When a win is met with celebration, not comparison.When a friend asks, “How can I support you right now?”When your shoulders drop because you feel seen.

These aren’t emotional luxuries. These are biological necessities. Medicine for your nervous system.

Practical Ways to Invite Co-RegulationStart with Grounding: Use your senses. Feel your body. Breathe.Be the Steady Presence: Hold calm when others can’t.Find Your Community: Spaces like the Terri Cole Membership offer real-time co-regulation.Ask for What You Need: It’s not weakness. It’s strength.Witness, Don’t Fix: Compassion is more powerful than advice.This Is Your Invitation

You don’t have to keep doing it all alone. If your body has been whispering, “I need safe people,” listen. There is space for you. You can borrow someone else’s calm when yours is shaky. You can hold hope for someone else until they can reach it.

Inside the Terri Cole Membership, we practice this every week. We ground together. We celebrate together. We heal together.

Your nervous system deserves rest. Your spirit deserves community. Your healing deserves to be witnessed.

So join us. Let yourself be seen. Be held. Be human. And be celebrated!

Because healing is not a solo job, and you, my friend, were never meant to do it alone.

Check out the Terri Cole Membership or grab your free grounding guide at terricole.com/guide.