Terri Cole's Blog, page 7

732 The Cost of People-Pleasing, Why We Do It + How to Stop

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“People-pleasing isn’t being kind. It’s an act of self-protection. That’s why we do it.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

Are you able to sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Highlights:4:40 How you can feel fatherless even if your father was present7:17 How father’s day can be a trigger for unanswered questions8:00 How a father wound can impact your relationships, self-worth, and success10:40 Busting some of the myths around father wounds15:25 Healing rituals to help with you integrate experiences around your father woundLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

731 Recovery for the Codependent Perfectionist with Alana Carvalho

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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“We don’t realize that we create dependency often in our helping. We care a lot, and it’s often coming from a loving place, but it actually turns into something very un-loving when we make someone dependent on us.” – Alana Carvalho

Intro

I’m so excited to have a new pal, Alana Carvalho, a licensed mental health counselor, on the show to talk about two topics we’re both passionate about: codependency and perfectionism!

We talk about why these two things go together, our experiences of being in recovery from both, what inspired Alana to create The Codependent Perfectionist brand, how to ease up on perfectionism and codependent behaviors, and so much more. 

I hope you enjoy our conversation as much as I did!

Highlights:2:20 Alana’s origin story6:16 The cost to self-abandonment9:10 The intersection between codependency and perfectionism22:00 Choosing precise language25:50 The inspiration behind Alana’s book, Raising Empowered Children 28:20 Taking the pressure off of yourself: How to do it and why you should32:30 Alana’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Alana Carvalho

Alana Carvalho, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in helping individuals, couples and families build balanced, connected and rewarding relationships. She is especially passionate about helping individuals learn about codependency and perfectionism to start their healing journeys. Alana has lectured on child development at The College of Staten Island. Her first book Raising Empowered Children: The Codependent Perfectionist’s Guide to Parenting is available on amazon.com. Alana also created The Codependent Perfectionist’s Oracle Cards to give everyone the ability to utilize therapeutic tools at the touch of their hand. Alana is the co-owner of a group private practice in New York City.

Website: https://alanacarvalho.com

IG: https://instagram.com/thecodependentperfectionist

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Burnt Out Empath? How to Protect Your Energy With Boundaries

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and think, I wonder if it was something I said? 

Can you sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Being an Empath Feels Like

As a child, I remember noticing micro changes in the facial expressions of the adults around me. 

I specifically remember seeing darkness come over someone’s eyes and wondering, Okay, what do I need to do to shift them back to being happy?

This is the plight of the empath. 

Empathy alone shouldn’t lead to emotional burnout, resentment, or self-abandonment, but it often does because we tend to neglect ourselves when we’re being empathic and concerned about what’s happening to others.

Empathy is a gift, but without boundaries and discernment, it can become a heavy burden. 

Emotional Boundaries + Why They’re Important

Emotional boundaries are the invisible lines between what we feel, what we’re responsible for, and what we’re allowed to protect within ourselves. 

For some empaths and people pleasers (the two tend to go hand-in-hand), the real damage isn’t necessarily from saying yes to helping someone move, but from carrying their emotional state on your back for days afterward.

Another way to look at emotional boundaries is knowing who drains you and who replenishes you. 

When you’re a boundaryless empath, almost everyone drains you because you aren’t protecting yourself (and your bandwidth) with appropriate boundaries. 

The Childhood Experiences of People Pleasers and Empaths

Why are many empaths also people pleasers?

Well, as kids, we may have learned that we could stay safe by managing other people’s moods. 

One of my friends, Vienna Pharaon, talks about this in her book, The Origins of You. Her parents couldn’t fulfil her needs, so as a child, she learned not to have needs and went on to become a woman without needs. 

Of course, we all have needs, but when you learn early on that staying out of the way, doing things without being asked, or being of service gets you positive or less negative feedback, people pleasing becomes a survival strategy. 

We might think, if I keep everyone happy, I won’t get hurt. I won’t get in trouble if I’m part of the solution.

Additionally, as women raised in a patriarchal system, being dialed into people’s feelings and facial expressions may help us stay safe because we’re endlessly vulnerable to being violated, assaulted, followed, and carjacked.  

The Impact of Having No Boundaries as an Empath

When empathy has no boundaries, we can become emotionally entangled with people, which isn’t the same as having emotional connections.

Without boundaries, you also absorb energy that isn’t yours and act from other people’s pain rather than your intuition.

As an empath without boundaries, you may feel confused because it’s hard to tell whose feelings are whose. This lack of clarity can lead to feeling hyper-responsible for everyone’s emotional states. 

If you weren’t allowed to have boundaries in childhood or no one modeled them for you, feeling hyper-responsible may be an automatic reaction.

That’s why learning about boundaries as an empath is one of the most empowering and life-changing things you can do, and it’s never too late to learn!

How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Disordered?

I have a feeling that if you’re reading this, you know your boundaries are disordered, but see if you answer ‘yes’ to these questions: 

Do you feel guilty saying no, even when depleted?Do you feel relieved when people are happy with you and anxious when they’re not?Do you over-apologize or immediately try to “make things better” when something goes wrong?Do you forget what you want because you’re so focused on managing how other people feel?

Anyone who identifies as an empath probably said yes to many of these. 

When I was at the height of my people-pleasing in my 20s, I felt so guilty about saying no that I rarely did. How I felt didn’t matter. 

If you can relate, you’re probably aware that people have come to expect a ‘yes’ from you. However, you have the right to change your mind and course-correct. 

Reclaiming Your Emotional Sovereignty

So, how can we stop losing ourselves in people’s pain?

We need to move from absorbing people’s feelings to becoming more of a witness. 

Instead of being a sponge, imagine being a mirror for people’s experiences. What would it look like not to take things on for other people?

Affirmations like “This is not mine to carry,” “I can care deeply and still say no,” or “Just because I feel it doesn’t mean I’m obligated or required to fix it,” can help you stay on your side of the street. 

You can also use visualizations. Picture yourself putting down the things you don’t want to carry. I’ll provide you with more questions in the guide to help you gain clarity on your emotional boundaries and explore additional ways to protect them. 

Energetic boundaries are also important here.

In the guide, you’ll find a resource from one of my best friends (and energy expert), Lara Riggio. It’s an easy “zipping up” energy exercise I use daily to feel more protected.

Finally, start thinking about how you can fill your cup, even in small ways. Don’t end up like a client I had who would hit empty and take spontaneous overnight trips to the Bahamas to restore. Although this sounds fun, for most people, it is not a sustainable approach. There are more productive ways to replenish your energy.

If you’re ready to stop drowning in other people’s emotions and start standing in your truth, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp! It’s my signature course and one of my favorites to teach. We delve into all the skills that empaths and people pleasers need to protect their energy and space, and create healthy connections without burnout. Go here for all the details and to enroll. 

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let me know if you had any insights in the comments or on Instagram, and don’t forget to download the guide! 

730 Burnt Out Empath? How to Protect Your Energy With Boundaries

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“It gets so confusing and complicated when we are empaths without good boundaries, because you literally don’t know whose feelings are whose. You feel hyper-responsible for everyone’s emotional state. Even if you intellectually know that can’t be true, if this was planted in childhood, it is an automatic reaction and response.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and ask yourself, “What did I do wrong?”

Are you able to sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Highlights:4:40 How you can feel fatherless even if your father was present7:17 How father’s day can be a trigger for unanswered questions8:00 How a father wound can impact your relationships, self-worth, and success10:40 Busting some of the myths around father wounds15:25 Healing rituals to help with you integrate experiences around your father woundLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

729 Come Alive at Any Age with Shannon Watts

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“When you marry your values, your abilities, and your desires, you can start a fire in your life. And your life should be a series of fires all the way until the end.” – Shannon Watts

Intro

I am thrilled to have Shannon Watts, author and founder of Moms Demand Action, on the show to talk about her new book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age. I was definitely fired up and inspired by what Shannon had to share, and I think you will be, too.

If you’ve been going through life on autopilot (as many high-functioning codependents do), feel like something is missing, or like you’ve been playing it small and it’s time to stop and do something different, this conversation is for you.

Shannon shares practical tips and strategies for reimagining your life and while we talk about perimenopause and menopause, these tips can apply to anyone in any season of life!

Highlights:3:30 Shannon’s origin story in activism9:20 The pivotal moment that inspired Shannon to write Fired Up12:00 Managing fear of failure15:20 Shannon’s biggest struggle starting fires in her life23:20 The fire triangle: The components every woman needs to set fires in her life28:00 Valuing your time and energy as an ambitious woman37:20 Shannon’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Shannon Watts

Shannon Watts is the founder of Moms Demand Action, the nation’s largest grassroots group fighting against gun violence. Known as the ‘summoner of women’s audacity,’ she spent more than a decade leading one of the world’s largest field experiments for mobilizing women. She has been named one of TIME’s 100 Most Influential People, a Forbes 50 over 50 Changemaker, and a Global Woman of the Year.

After 11 years as the full-time volunteer leader of Moms Demand Action, Shannon stepped back in 2023 to focus on writing, speaking, and  organizing. She recently organized one of the largest Zoom gatherings in history, mobilizing over 200K voters and raising over $11 million in support of the 2024 Kamala Harris campaign, and becoming one of the campaign’s largest fundraisers and most powerful surrogates for calling white women in. 

Book: https://firedupbook.com

IG: https://instagram.com/shannonrwatts

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Heal After Conflict (Step-by-Step Repair Kit Inside!)

Every close relationship hits turbulence at some point. Conflict is inevitable. 

That’s why the real magic of secure, emotionally mature relationships isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about having the tools to come back together and repair.

Repair requires us to be proactive because the work needs to begin long before it is actually needed. You can’t build a bridge in the middle of a storm (aka, a conflict).

Having the ability to repair after disconnection or disagreements is everything. In this episode, I’m teaching you how to create a repair kit so you can prepare to handle conflict much more productively. 

https://youtu.be/q1lUsV0Xu_Y

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

It’s Never Too Late to Learn How to Repair

Most of us didn’t have repair modeled for us in our family of origin.

I had to learn how to repair from scratch because my family system was completely avoidant. If something happened the night before, the next morning, my mother would act like nothing happened and simply ask how I wanted my eggs. 

The message was clear: “We’re not talking about this.” 

Even if the concept of repair feels out of reach, it’s not too late to learn. The first step is creating a repair kit with your loved ones to deepen your understanding of each other. 

Have a Repair Kit Date

Most of the time, the disconnection during conflict is that both sides feel unsafe. 

Learning what exacerbates conflict and what wounds you both have is essential to knowing how to restore a sense of safety. 

What you need and what someone else needs are different. Knowing our people and talking about what activates us and makes us feel vulnerable is how we learn about each other. 

This is the work that goes into creating a repair kit. Having it ready before you need it will put you in a position to manage ruptures much more productively. 

When you’re ready to start, schedule a “repair kit date night” with whomever you want to improve your repair skills. Make sure you both feel calm and connected.

Start by asking, “What is your emotional shutdown style when you feel threatened? Is it fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?”

Even if you think you know the other person’s answer, it’s still important to discuss. 

Next, ask, “What makes you feel emotionally safe after conflict?”

Years ago, Vic and I agreed that only one of us could be losing our shit about something. The other person’s job is to stay calm, not make it worse. 

Everyone has their agreements, but they’re often unspoken. It can be powerful to have explicit conversations around this. 

You might not yet know what makes you feel emotionally safe after conflict. That’s okay. The questions in the guide (download it here) are designed to help you figure it out. 

The next question is, “What is your repair language? Touch? Words? Time? Space?” 

Vic and I are touch-oriented. No matter how mad I am about something, if he reaches over to grab my hand or if I put my hand on his leg, it instantly helps me remember that he’s always my person. 

Another question to ask is, “What makes conflict worse and repair harder? What should I not do when you’re spiraling?” For example, saying, “Calm down!” doesn’t work for me. (and most people!)

Finally, in the ‘blueprint’ section of the guide, you’ll think about what conflict and repair looked like in your family system growing up. 

This can help you figure out why you relate to it the way you do. Sharing your downloaded blueprint reflections with each other can create a deeper understanding of where you’re coming from during conflict. 

Working With Emotional Triggers During Conflict

“What if someone gets defensive and shuts down or won’t talk during conflict?”

This is one of the most common questions I get, and highlights the importance of knowing your partner’s wounds ahead of time. Your intentions may be neutral, but the impact of your actions or words on your partner could be devastating. 

Let’s say someone has an abandonment trigger and in the middle of a heated argument, you leave because you feel overwhelmed and need to cool down. You’re not purposely trying to punish them; you just need fresh air. 

But your partner doesn’t experience you leaving as neutral. Your leaving might confirm their deepest fears. Their nervous system may go into full alert: I’m being abandoned. I’m alone again.

This is why doing the repair kit ahead of time is helpful. You wouldn’t suddenly leave if you knew it would activate them, right?

If you’re not sure what your emotional triggers are, here are some common “after conflict” behaviors that often make repair harder: 

Going silent for hours, especially if your partner has a rejection wound.Sarcasm or logic. Saying, “That doesn’t make sense!” when someone needs understanding or softness. If your partner has a shame wound, they may feel humiliated and shut down or lash out. Sweeping things under the rug and saying, “I’m fine.” For someone who needs verbal repair or emotional closure, avoidance is a rupture unto itself because it’s like saying, “It’s not a big deal, I don’t want to talk about it.”How to Repair, Step-by-Step

Once the dust settles, how do you actually go about repairing?

First, you both need to be emotionally regulated. You can’t repair if you’re still activated. I list a few quick self-regulation techniques in the guide, which you can grab here.

The next step is for both sides to acknowledge the impact of their actions. Own your parts clearly, gently, and completely. No, “But you also…” or, “and then you…” or, “My intention was…” Just ownership.

Then make a bid for connection. This could be a question, touch, or word. “Can I hold your hand?” can be more healing than a 15-paragraph speech. 

Finally, leave space for you both to share what you need to feel complete with the repair, and move toward that. 

While repair requires emotional maturity, it doesn’t require perfection. 

You don’t need to have a flawless relationship to repair. You just need a flexible and resilient one. 

Adding Deposits to the Well of Goodwill

Speaking of resiliency, let’s talk about the concept of adding deposits to the well of goodwill in our relationships. 

You can add deposits by being kind and polite, and just by thinking about the other person. 

I always think about Vic, and he always thinks about me. “I’m at the store, do you need anything?” The other person is always top of mind. 

Repair is another way to add deposits to this well. When you repair, you deepen your knowledge of how to love someone well. 

Understanding their injuries and what it might mean to them if we act a certain way allows us to avoid doing the very thing that would upset them further.

Rupture doesn’t have to mean ruin. Mistakes don’t have to mean that love disappears. 

Learning to repair after rupture enables us to say, “Wow, that hurt, but I still want this relationship. We still matter.” 

This is what real love looks like and how intimacy deepens. This is what healthy, sustainable, and secure connections look like. 

If you want more of this in your life, schedule your repair kit date. Download the guide for all the questions you need to ask, and be prepared to listen and take notes.

The date doesn’t need to last hours. Even 15 minutes can transform the trajectory of how you fight and repair. 

Disconnection is optional. Repair is everything. You just need to make time to do it well.

I hope this episode added value to your life and the quality of your relationships. 

Have the most amazing week repairing any ruptures you might experience, and as always, take care of you. 

P.S. If you enjoy talking about codependency, boundaries, or relationships and want a safe place to grow and be witnessed, join my community! We meet four times a month for Q&As where you’ll have the chance to be coached by me on any situation you’re navigating. It’s a place to take your learning one step deeper, and I’d love to have you.

728 Heal After Conflict (Step-by-Step Repair Kit Inside!)

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“You don’t need to have a flawless relationship. You need to have a flexible, resilient relationship. And that’s what repair does.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Every close relationship hits turbulence at some point. Conflict is inevitable. 

That’s why the real magic of secure, emotionally mature relationships isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about having the tools to come back together and repair.

Repair requires us to be proactive because the work needs to begin long before it is actually needed. You can’t build a bridge in the middle of a storm (aka, a conflict).

Having the ability to repair after disconnection or disagreements is everything. In this episode, I’m teaching you how to create a repair kit so you can prepare to handle conflict much more productively.

Highlights:4:30 Why preparing before a fight helps you repair afterward7:00 The importance of repair extends to any close relationship, not just romantic ones8:50 Planning a repair kit date night12:30 Finding your repair language13:20 Why you should know your partner’s triggers15:30 Coming up with your repair flowLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

727 When Life is a Lazy Susan of Sh*t Sandwiches with Angie “Pumps” Sullivan

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“We’ve dealt with everything with humor. Even when the news is just horrible, we kind of giggle about it. We’re like, ‘WTF, how is this happening?’” – Angie “Pumps” Sullivan

Intro

Sometimes, it helps to laugh at life’s problems– Even the real ones. If you could use some help in finding humor in today’s current events, Angie is your gal! Today I’m sharing a relaxed chat with Angie “Pumps” Sullivan, co-author of Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches and co-host of the podcast I’ve Had It. Somehow, the conversation feels light even as we delve into the reality of mourning dreams and expectations, being a role model for your children, and speaking up to yourself without being a “Karen.” I hope you enjoy today’s episode with Angie as much as I enjoyed chatting with her!

Highlights:4:00 The story behind Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches9:15 Angie’s origin story14:00 Mourning dreams and expectations17:45 You are never the only model for your children20:20 In defense of Karens26:00 Angie’s experience with her podcast, I’ve Had It32:02 Angie’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Angie Sullivan

Angie “Pumps” Sullivan is a graduate of the University of Oklahoma and the University of Oklahoma College of Law. In addition to her legal practice, Angie may be remembered for her roles in Bravo’s Sweet Home Oklahoma and Sweet Home, and is also the cohost of the hit podcast I’ve Had It with Jennifer Welch. When dealing with the highs and lows of life, Angie believes laughter is the best medicine. She is a single mother with three children, Sam, Emily and Luke.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ivehaditpodcast/?hl=en

Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ivehaditpodcast.bsky.social

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@ivehaditpodcast

Website: https://ivehaditpodcast.com/

Book: https://www.audible.com/pd/Life-Is-a-Lazy-Susan-of-Sh-t-Sandwiches-Audiobook

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

726 Pelvic Floor Health with Dr. Sara Reardon (The Vag Whisperer!)

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“It’s like learning to brush your teeth and floss. We can make some really small changes in our day-to-day lives that help our pelvic floors in the long run.” – Dr. Sara Reardon

Intro

I am so excited to have Dr. Sara Reardon, aka The Vag Whisperer, on the show today to give us the basics when it comes to pelvic floor health.

Why? Because the condition of our pelvic floor impacts so many different systems of our body and it changes throughout our life, especially in perimenopause and menopause.

During our conversation, Sara breaks everything down in an accessible way and shares easy tips you can use to begin working on your pelvic floor. If you want more info, be sure to grab her book, Floored: A Woman’s Guide to Pelvic Floor Health at Every Age and Stage!

Highlights:3:10 Sara’s origin story as a pelvic floor specialist4:45 Some signs you might be experiencing pelvic floor dysfunction6:10 How Sara became known as “the vagina whisperer”8:10 The anatomical role of the pelvic floor17:10 Why we need to talk about women’s health without shame20:30 The top habits Sara keeps to take care of her own pelvic floor24:00 How industry preys on women’s health insecurities33:30 What happens if pelvic floor issues are left untreated?Connect with Dr. Sara Reardon

Dr. Sara Reardon is a board-certified pelvic floor physical therapist with over 18 years of experience helping individuals prevent and overcome pelvic floor issues including, urinary leakage, painful sex, prolapse and discomfort during pregnancy, postpartum and menopause.

Sara has been featured in Time, Yahoo, Harper’s Bazaar, Romper, InStyle, Today, and numerous other podcasts, publications, and professional conferences about her advocacy and educational work as a pelvic floor therapist. She is also a TED presenter on Rethinking Postpartum Care. Sara is the Founder of The V-Hive, an online, on-demand pelvic floor fitness platform for pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, painful sex and pelvic floor strengthening.

Website: https://thevagwhisperer.com
Book: https://thevagwhisperer.com/floored
IG: https://instagram.com/the.vag.whisperer

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Healing Father Wounds + Where to Start (For a Less Painful Father’s Day)

Did you know that 1 in 4 children in the US grows up without a father?¹

Or that 80% of single-parent homes are led by mothers?

These statistics may not come as a surprise, but what we don’t talk about are the millions of other kids who may have dads who are physically present but emotionally absent. Dads who are abusive, addicted, sporadic, neglectful, or narcissistic.

As Father’s Day approaches, I wanted to explore how father wounds can impact our relationships, self-worth, and overall success. I’ll share my own experiences, debunk some father wound myths, and offer you ideas on how to heal and celebrate Father’s Day differently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuPDun_iF2E

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Fatherlessness isn’t always about missing people. Sometimes, it’s about a missing connection.

At least, it was for me with my own father.

He worked a lot and was only home after work and on weekends. But even when he was physically there, he wasn’t emotionally available.

My sisters and I avoided him at all costs. The moment he entered the room, we scattered like cockroaches. Okay, you’re taking over the TV. Bye!

What Does Father’s Day Feel Like With a Father Wound?

For many women, Father’s Day isn’t a celebration. It’s a mirror that reflects absence, abuse, abandonment- whatever it is that didn’t work.

It can also be a trigger for unanswered questions.

Maybe you don’t have a father to call on the day, or maybe, like it was for me while my father was still alive, finding the right card feels impossible.

“You taught me everything, you were there for me, you took me fishing!” Um, nope.

I needed a card that said, “I think it’s a world record that we lived in the same house and only exchanged 50 words by the time I was 13.” (I’m not exaggerating.)

Not every daughter celebrates on Father’s Day. Some are scrolling past heartfelt tributes on social media, feeling awful, while others may feel guilty.

Whenever I see any media with sweetness between a father and daughter, I still get choked up. It’s both touching and painful.

I know many of you will be gritting your teeth through barbecues and brunches on the day, playing the role and silently grieving what you weren’t able to create or didn’t have with your father.

What Is A Father Wound?

Before we go further, let’s get on the same page about what a father wound is.

A father wound is a psychological and emotional injury from growing up with a father (or father figure) who was absent, abusive, controlling, or not emotionally attuned/available to you.

Father wounds don’t just apply to biological fathers. They apply to any father figure you had growing up. You can have a father wound even if you never knew your father.

Having a father wound affects you at all stages of life. It certainly did for me.

But a father’s inability to see your worth does not define your worth. You do.

The Impact of Father Wounds

Fatherless daughters often develop hyper-independence as a survival strategy. This behavior can sabotage intimacy later in life because relationships need mutuality to thrive.

It took me years to let anyone in, especially a man. I didn’t feel like I could or should count on a man, thanks to my mother telling me early on to make my own money and get an education so that love could be a choice and not a need.

A lack of paternal affirmation may cause us to seek external validation in unhealthy ways, leading to unsatisfying dating patterns, perfectionism, overachievement, or people pleasing.

(It’s no surprise that father wounds are particularly common for women who identify as high-functioning codependents!)

When we have a father wound, there’s also this internal glass ceiling because we feel like we have to do things alone. “It has to be me” is one of our affirmations.

We might not trust people to do things or do them right, which blocks our ability to collaborate.

It can also block us from career growth or earning more. When you believe only you can do something, you’re limited in what you can get done. Massively successful folks have mastered the art of delegation and collaboration because they’re key to success.

If you had an absent father in any way, you likely made up stories about their absence to make it less painful.

My story was that my father wanted a son, and being his fourth daughter was a disappointment.

Telling myself the story of being the wrong gender made his rejection and neglect less personal and painful, even though when I was older, my mom told me she wasn’t sure he would have been any more engaged with a son.

Having a father wound also leads to grief during milestone experiences like getting married, having kids, or career wins- moments when a father’s presence is supposed to matter most.

We feel that lack, but when we integrate the father wound (and you can), it dulls the pain.

Father Wound Myths

There’s a lot in the zeitgeist about forgiveness or getting over it because “he did his best.”

I call BS on that. Doing your best is not a hall pass for neglect, abandonment, or any kind of abuse.

Additionally, as a therapist, I know we can create our own closure. We don’t need contact or reconciliation. So if you’ve gone no contact or your father is deceased, you can still heal.

I’m not necessarily into forgiveness. What I am into is releasing yourself from resentment prison and liberating yourself from the ties that bind you.

The one thing I am certain about with forgiveness is that it’s for the forgiver.

I also don’t think “time heals all wounds.” Healing requires intentional work, tending to your injuries, and integrating your experience.

Wounds don’t just go away with time. Hoping they will disappear just leads to carrying around invisible grief.

Take achievement, for example. Absent paternal validation, achievement can become a protective mechanism or armor by which we ‘prove’ our worth.

Healing the Father Wound

If you also had a disappointing father experience, I see you, and I’ve got you.

As a culture, I think we need to shift the Father’s Day narrative to include healing and normalize the conversation around absent, toxic, or emotionally unavailable fathers. Not every story is a Hallmark card, as we know.

One of the ways you can begin to heal a father wound is to make space for father figures in your life, like mentors, uncles, or mothers who played both roles. Reflect on who has stepped up for you in your life and send them a letter of gratitude.

We can also practice intentional healing rituals, such as writing unsent letters to our fathers or father figures, to express what was never said.

It can be powerful to give voice to things you never had a chance to talk about. Reflect on all the peak disappointing experiences and share your feelings about what you wish had happened instead.

After writing the letter, have an emotionally trustworthy friend or therapist witness you reading it, and then burn it somewhere safe (not in your house!).

While you burn it, feel the feelings of releasing the resentment and anger, knowing you’re the one who benefits.

You can also use mirror work to affirm your self-worth. I like to write love letters to myself on my bedroom and bathroom mirrors in dry-erase marker.

If I feel a certain way about my body, I’ll write, “I love your shape.” If I feel less than around something, I’ll write, “You’re enough. You’ve always been enough. I love you.”

These sweet reminders help us actively reparent ourselves and become the good father to ourselves that we never had.

It also helps us remember how sacred, worthy, and lovable we are. We get to decide. We’re not kids anymore.

Trust me when I say you were born worthy simply by virtue of being alive.

You wouldn’t expect a baby to make you dinner to be worthy of your love and adoration, right? You are that baby. You don’t have to do anything to be worthy. You already are.

You can also set boundaries around your emotional expectations on Father’s Day. Maybe you skip a gathering, ignore social media, or temporarily silence your phone and avoid group text threads.

Download the guide, as it offers five ways for you to honor Father’s Day on your terms, which I hope you find soothing and healing.

By the way, one of the biggest fallouts from having a father wound is having disordered boundaries. You probably weren’t even sure you were allowed to have good boundaries, and didn’t learn how to set them.

If you want help establishing healthy boundaries, becoming a better communicator, and cultivating more self-worth and self-esteem, I invite you to join Boundary Boss Bootcamp! I’ve been teaching it since 2015 and update it every year to make it even more effective and transformative. Get all the details and join here.

Let me know if you try any of the ideas inside the guide to honor any pain you might feel on Father’s Day, and I hope this episode soothes your soul. As always, take care of you.

¹https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic