Terri Cole's Blog, page 7

741 Love + Codependency with Vanessa Bennett

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“A lot of us have conflated being needed with being loved. We have confused attachment for relationship, but they’re not the same thing.” – Vanessa Bennett

Intro

On today’s episode, I’m sharing an insightful conversation with Vanessa Bennett, a licensed depth psychologist and co-author of It’s Not Me, It’s You. Together, we delve into the complexities of codependency and relationship dynamics, exploring how societal norms shape our understanding of love and attachment. Vanessa shares her journey from advertising to therapy and how she learned to value authenticity over attachment in relationships. Plus, how triggers can be opportunities for growth and why breaking up doesn’t have to be a total mess. Whether you’re navigating a breakup or seeking healthier relationship patterns, I hope you find Vanessa’s tips just as valuable as I have!

Highlights:3:20 Vanessa’s origin story7:00 Vanessa’s introduction to Jungian psychology and dream analysis15:00 The basics of shadow work and how it relates to activation23:00 How society trains us to believe codependency is love27:30 Achieving amicable breakupsConnect with Vanessa Bennett

Vanessa Bennett, LMFT, is a licensed depth psychotherapist, facilitator, speaker, and mental health content creator. She is the coauthor of the successful relationship bookIt’sNot Me, It’s You with her partner John Kim, LMFT. Vanessa leads soul-based retreats and creates and facilitates curricula and workshops for nonprofit and corporate training, events, and conferences. She cohosts the popular Cheaper Than Therapy podcast. A native New Yorker, she now lives in Los Angeles.Website: https://www.vanessabennett.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

How Perfectionism Sabotages Love

“I’ll start dating as soon as I lose those 10 pounds.”
“I can’t go to that event until I find the perfect outfit.”
“I’ll put myself out there when I feel more confident, more ready.”

Do any of these sound familiar? That little whisper in the back of your head that seems so reasonable, almost protective?
I want you to sit with this for a moment: underneath those statements is a belief that where you are right now, exactly as you are, is not good enough.

That unless you present some flawless version of yourself to the world, you’re not worthy of love, connection, or success.

This is how perfectionism sneaks its way into our relationships, and it’s far more insidious than you might think.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Badge of Honor That’s Actually a Brick Wall

I was talking with a client recently who sparked this entire conversation. She’s what I call a high-functioning codependent: someone who over-functions in every area of life, always doing more, proving more, giving more. And she wears her perfectionism like a badge of honor.

You know how this goes. In job interviews, when they ask about weaknesses, people humble-brag: “Oh, I’m a bit of a perfectionist.” As if it’s actually a strength.

But here’s what I told her, and what I’m telling you: in relationships, perfectionism isn’t a badge of honor. It’s a brick wall between you and everyone you’re trying to love.

She had set the bar impossibly high for herself, for potential partners, for what love should look like. When I asked if these were really standards or just a way to avoid vulnerability, the silence was telling.

The Secondary Gain Question That Changes Everything

Here’s the question that stops my clients in their tracks every time: What do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by being such a perfectionist in relationships?

My client, who insisted she needed to lose 10 pounds before dating, couldn’t lose the weight. When I asked her this question, the truth tumbled out: “I guess I get to not be vulnerable. I get to not date, even though my heart wants to. There’s a part of me that’s still afraid of getting burned, hurt, rejected.”

Perfectionism masquerades as having standards, but really? It’s a protection strategy. A way to avoid rejection by never risking being fully seen.

The Exhausting Mathematics of Never Enough

Think about this: if you executed something and 98% went exactly as planned, but 2% went sideways, what percentage are you satisfied with? Are you celebrating the 98%, or obsessing over the 2% that didn’t go your way?

If you’re thinking about that 2%, perfectionism has its hooks in you.

I need to make something clear: striving for excellence is beautiful and valuable. But perfectionism? That’s different. Excellence is attainable. Perfection is not. We are human beings. We will never be perfect, and thank God for that.

Perfectionism creates impossible conditions for love: “When I fix myself, when I get to this place, then I’ll be lovable.” It’s rooted in a deep lack of worthiness, this feeling that we need to earn our keep, be useful, add value constantly just to deserve love.

When Love Becomes Performance

I was interviewing someone recently who shared how her perfectionism kept her in denial while her life was falling apart. From the outside, everything looked perfect: beautiful home, successful career, two kids, accomplished husband. She was so attached to maintaining that picture that she ignored the drinking, the affairs, the slow implosion of everything real.

Perfectionism gets in the way of real intimacy because we become so attached to what things look like instead of what they actually are.

Picture this: perfectionism is like a giant, lit-up billboard on the highway, everything perfectly polished and gleaming. But behind that billboard sits your real self: a little kid with a scraped knee and tears streaming down their face. That’s the person who needs love, who deserves connection. Not the billboard.

The Loneliness of Never Being Known

Here’s what breaks my heart about perfectionism in relationships: it creates existential loneliness. You can be in a relationship and still feel completely alone because that person doesn’t really know you. They know your performance, your carefully curated version, but not your tender, messy, beautifully human self.

How can someone authentically love you if you never authentically let them see you?

When you’re constantly striving for perfection, people in your life (your children, your partner, your friends) become afraid of you. They’re afraid of disappointing you because nothing is ever good enough. They walk on eggshells around your impossibly high standards.

And the cruel irony? You’re doing this to protect yourself, but you’re the one who suffers most.

The Family Patterns That Planted These Seeds

I hate to say it, but we have to go back to the scene of the crime, so to speak. Your nervous system learned early that worth equals output. Maybe you only got praised for performance: grades, appearance, behavior, being the perfect child. Maybe an A-minus was met with “What happened here?” instead of celebration.

If achievement-based love was your normal, your brain wired itself to believe: I must be perfect to be loved. Anything else equals rejection.

The Courage to Be Messy

Here’s what I want you to know: you are never ready. Not fully, not completely. If I had waited until I was ready, I never would have gotten married, written a book, changed careers, or done anything meaningful in my life.

The path from performance to presence starts with awareness. You’re already taking that step by recognizing where perfectionism is making choices for you, where your “standards” are actually blocks to intimacy.

Ask yourself: What would happen if I showed up imperfectly and someone loved me anyway?

Everything worth doing is messy as hell. Life is messy. Love is messy. Learning is messy. Transformation is messy. You cannot tie it up in a neat bow because that’s not how life works.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s presence. Presence in your life, in your relationships, in your own tender heart. That’s the path to intimacy. Not your perfection, but your presence.

Small Steps Toward Freedom

Go on that date before you feel ready. Wear something that makes you feel like you, not something you think others will approve of. Let someone in, even just a little.

Replace shame with radical curiosity. When you catch yourself in perfectionist thinking, get curious: What am I trying to protect myself from? What would happen if I let this be imperfect?

The cure for perfectionism happens one step at a time, one vulnerable moment at a time, one beautifully imperfect choice at a time.

You are inherently worthy, not because of what you do, how you look, or how perfectly you perform. You are worthy because you exist. Because you have a heart that wants to love and be loved. Because you are human, beautifully and messily human.

The people who are meant for you? They won’t love you despite your imperfections. They’ll love you because of them, because those imperfections are what make you real, what makes you you.

Stop waiting for perfect. Start choosing presence. Your heart and everyone who gets to love you will thank you for it.

What would you do today if perfect wasn’t an option?

Want to explore this deeper? I created a free Perfectionism Pattern Checklist so you can see exactly how this sneaky mindset shows up in your life and start shifting it one step at a time. Grab it here.

And if you want to walk this healing path with me and a whole community of like-hearted souls, join us inside the Terri Cole Membership.

You are the reason I do what I do.

Take care of you.

740 How Perfectionism Sabotages Love

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“We have to make a distinction between striving for excellence and striving for perfection. Excellence is attainable. Perfection is not.” – Terri Cole

Intro

“I’ll start dating as soon as I lose those 10 pounds.”

“I can’t go to that event until I find the perfect outfit.”

“I’ll put myself out there when I feel more confident, more ready.”

Do any of these sound familiar? That little whisper in the back of your head that seems so reasonable, almost protective?

I want you to sit with this for a moment: underneath that whisper is a belief that where you are right now, exactly as you are, is not good enough. That unless you present some flawless version of yourself to the world, you’re not worthy of love, connection, or success.

This is how perfectionism sneaks its way into our relationships, and it’s far more insidious than you might think. 

On today’s episode I’m going to give you tips to identify where you’re being a perfectionist, recognize the impact it’s having on your relationships, and take your choices back from perfectionism.

Highlights:7:30 The secondary gains of perfectionism11:30 Why being in a relationship with a perfectionist can be scary14:20 How perfectionism can arise from your family of origin16:55 Why perfectionists never leave their comfort zones and may not reveal their true selves22:20 How to take your choices back from perfectionismLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

739 Aging Powerfully with JJ Virgin

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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“If you want to age powerfully, hang out with other women who are aging powerfully– And have amazing women as your role models.” – JJ Virgin

Intro

I felt so lucky to record this episode! On today’s show, I had my first chance to host world-renowned fitness and nutrition expert JJ Virgin. She’s been at the top of the wellness space longer than practically anyone else, and today she’s using her expertise to teach us how to age powerfully.

I always say that we don’t get to choose whether we age, but we do get to choose how we age. If you choose to age without losing your strength and ability, then this episode is for you!

Highlights:3:45 How JJ always seemed destined for the world of health and wellness9:00 The number one thing JJ wishes people would do to age more powerfully: Muscle changes everything13:05 JJ’s fitness routine and what she would suggest for other women26:55 The mini trampoline and how it can fit into your fitness routine29:56 Why VO2 max is an essential marker of fitness31:30 Your fitness and your protein intake40:00 JJ’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with JJ Virgin

Website: https://jjvirgin.com/

With over 40 years’ experience as a triple-board certified nutrition expert and Fitness Hall of Famer, JJ is a passionate advocate of nutrition’s healing power and is mission-driven to ignite a movement of women choosing to age powerfully. After decades of watching women strive to shrink themselves, JJ is urging women to step into their power—physically and personally. Using her principles of powerful aging, she inspires women to get strong, get bold, and get what they want in life. She embodies her philosophy as both a legendary personal trainer and the founder of 2 multimillion-dollar businesses: her personal brand and the Mindshare Collaborative, the most influential professional community in health, having propelled more New York Times bestsellers, PBS specials, and 7 figure brands than any other community. JJ is a prominent TV and media personality who co-hosted TLC’s Freaky Eaters and was the nutrition expert for Dr. Phil’s Weight Loss Challenges. She’s made numerous appearances on PBS, Dr. Oz, Rachael Ray, Access Hollywood, and The TODAY Show. She also speaks regularly, commanding audiences of 10,000 or more, and has shared the stage with other highly sought-after experts, including Tony Robbins, Seth Godin, Lisa Nichols, Gary Vaynerchuk, Dr. Mark Hyman, Dan Buettner, Mary Morrissey, and more.

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

How Your Childhood Trust Blueprint Affects Every Relationship (And What to Do About It)

Let’s start with a question: Were you taught that being good at relationships meant being trusting?

Like, trust-first-and-ask-questions-later kinda trusting?

Many of us were rewarded, especially as kids, for being agreeable. For being accommodating. For making it easy for others to be around us. But here’s what most of us weren’t taught: how to trust ourselves.

If you’re nodding your head yes, then keep reading, because that’s exactly what this episode of The Terri Cole Show is about. 

Trust is not blind loyalty. Trust, when it’s real, is earned clarity. It’s transparency. It’s discernment. And when we don’t have it, when we’ve absorbed distorted messages about what trust is supposed to look like, it can lead us to abandon ourselves in subtle but damaging ways.

So let’s slow it down together and get curious about what you learned about trust and how to unlearn what no longer serves you.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Your Trust Blueprint?

Think back. We all have a blueprint for trust, just like we do for love or boundaries, or money. It’s usually formed in childhood, absorbed through observation and experience, whether or not it was ever directly talked about.

So, what did you learn in your family of origin?

In the downloadable guide that goes with this episode, I’ve included a few questions to help you map this out. But here’s a start:

Did the adults in your life keep their word?Could you count on them to do what they said they were going to do?Did they protect your privacy, or were your secrets passed around the dinner table?Were you expected to trust others automatically, no matter what?

In some families, trust is modeled through consistency and care. In others, it’s demanded, no matter how people behave. And that distinction matters.

Want to explore how your trust patterns began? Check out How to Trust Again With Discernment.

In a lot of families, especially enmeshed ones, there’s no real privacy. Everyone knows everyone’s business. It can feel like your loyalty to the group is more important than your personal truth. Maybe you grew up being expected to keep secrets, or to cover for other people, or to look the other way when something felt off.

In my own family, I had three older sisters and yes, of course, we fought. Four girls within six years, that’s inevitable. But we also had a kind of unspoken, sacred sisterly code. If someone needed cover, we didn’t ask questions. If you told me to say you weren’t home when someone called, I would say you weren’t home. Loyalty was a given.

Even now, my sister Kathy lives nearby and if something happens, she’s there. No questions asked. When life hits hard—sickness, loss, heartbreak—my family rallies. And I love that. It’s motivated by love, by devotion. But even in a system that was mostly healthy, there was an element of assumed trust. A kind of unexamined loyalty that didn’t always leave room for questioning.

So it’s important to ask yourself: What did you learn about trust as a kid that you’re still carrying now?

And more importantly, does it still serve you?

How Self-Trust Gets Eroded—And Why It Matters

Let me tell you a quick story.

When I was 21, I moved to New York City from a tiny, safe town in New Jersey. We didn’t lock our doors growing up. We left the keys in the car. That was my reality.

So there I was in the city, sharing a studio apartment (I slept in the closet!) with my old beater of a car parked on the street, unlocked, of course, with bags of new clothes I got from a sample sale inside because I didn’t know any better. And the next morning? All the clothes were gone. The car had been robbed.

I remember feeling crushed. Like, who would do that?

And the answer, of course, is: a lot of people.

But I had no context. No lived experience. I was naïve.

I also had to confront something important. Not everyone is as trustworthy as I am.

And that’s where we run into what is called positive projection. Just because you wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean someone else won’t. And when you’re a naturally trusting person, when you are trustworthy, it’s easy to project that onto others and assume they’re the same.

But they’re not always.

Trust is not something you give away. It’s something someone earns.

For some of us, our blueprint taught us to trust until proven otherwise. But I’ve found, both personally and in 28 years in my therapy practice, that this is a myth. It’s too simplistic.

Trust isn’t about being naive. And it’s not about being paranoid. It’s about being discerning.

I want to talk about this especially for the folks raised as women, because we’ve been sold a cultural script that says asking questions makes you rude. That advocating for yourself makes you high-maintenance. That if you’re too cautious or too slow to open up, you’re somehow damaged or hard to love.

I’ve had clients afraid to get a second opinion on a medical diagnosis because they didn’t want to offend their doctor. That’s not good girl energy. That’s a potentially life-threatening level of self-abandonment.

What’s the Cost of Being Too Trusting?

When we confuse trust with compliance, we prioritize being seen as easygoing over being truly safe.

When you trust too fast, too soon, without discernment, it can lead to:

Over-functioning in relationships

Staying in toxic dynamics too long

Betraying your own gut instincts

Silencing your voice so others feel more comfortable

And yes, it can even mean walking on eggshells.

Because here’s the truth. In a healthy relationship, you don’t regularly feel afraid. You don’t fear their disapproval. You’re not being tracked. You’re not constantly trying to decode what they meant. You don’t feel like asking a basic question will cost you their affection.

And if you are afraid? It’s time to ask why.

You Get to Raise Your Standards

I remember after one particular breakup, I made a commitment to myself. I would never again date someone I was afraid of. Not physically afraid, he wasn’t abusive, but I feared his disapproval. His jealousy. His tracking. It was exhausting. It was controlling. And it was not trust.

So I raised the bar.

And you can too.

Ask yourself: Are you trusting someone because they’ve shown you who they are? Or because you’ve been conditioned to believe that not trusting them makes you the problem?

We’ve got to move past the idea that being low maintenance is some kind of virtue badge. There is no prize for ignoring your gut. There’s no gold star for silence.

Here’s What Real Trust Looks Like

It’s not intensity. It’s consistency.

It’s aligned values, not shared trauma.

It’s emotional transparency, not emotional dumping.

It’s repair after rupture, not pretending things didn’t happen.

It’s a nervous system that feels calm, not contracted.

You should know where you stand. You should be able to ask what you need to ask. You should feel safe enough to exhale.

So Let Me Leave You With This

You don’t owe anyone instant trust. You don’t have to prove that you’re easy to love by making yourself smaller, quieter, or less discerning.

You’re allowed to take your time.

You’re allowed to ask questions.

You’re allowed to protect your peace.

Because real trust is a radical act of vulnerability. And it begins not with them, but with you.

When you trust yourself, everything changes.

You become your own safe place.

And from there?

You get to choose who else earns a key.

Go download the Trust Blueprint Audit now. It’s a guided reflection tool to help you uncover the roots of your relationship to trust, get clear on what’s no longer serving you, and begin building a new foundation rooted in self-trust, discernment, and emotional safety.

You deserve relationships where you can relax.

You deserve to feel safe in your own body, in your own choices, in your own life.

And if no one ever told you this before, let me be the first.

You are worthy of trust. Especially your own.

I hope you liked this. If it made you pause, reflect, or feel even a little more seen, then it did its job. Keep coming back to your own inner wisdom, and know that rebuilding trust—especially with yourself—is one of the most powerful things you can do.

As always, take care of you.

Terri 

Real Talk: What You’ve Been Wondering About Trust1. What is a “trust blueprint” and how does it impact relationships?

Your trust blueprint is the unconscious pattern you learned growing up about how trust works—whether trust is earned, assumed, demanded, or withheld. It shapes how you relate to others, and most importantly, how (or whether) you trust yourself. Understanding your blueprint helps you make conscious, empowered choices instead of repeating old, unhelpful patterns.

2. How does being “too trusting” lead to self-abandonment?

When you’re overly trusting without discernment, especially if you were raised to be agreeable or avoid conflict, you may betray your own instincts to maintain peace. This shows up as staying in toxic relationships too long, silencing yourself, or ignoring red flags to appear “low maintenance.” That’s not trust—it’s self-abandonment.

3. What does real trust look and feel like in a healthy relationship?

Real trust is consistent, emotionally safe, and transparent. You know where you stand. You’re not walking on eggshells, decoding someone’s behavior, or afraid of their disapproval. You feel calm in your nervous system. Trustworthy people show up even when it’s inconvenient, and they don’t shame your truth.

4. How can I start rebuilding self-trust after ignoring my instincts for so long?

Rebuilding self-trust starts by asking honest questions about your past experiences. When did you override your gut? What messages did you absorb about trust and boundaries? The downloadable Trust Blueprint Audit at terricole.com/guide helps you reflect on these patterns and begin creating a new foundation rooted in discernment and self-loyalty.

Clone of Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss (Tips Inside)

Let’s start with a question: Were you taught that being good at relationships meant being trusting?

Like, trust-first-and-ask-questions-later kinda trusting?

Many of us were rewarded, especially as kids, for being agreeable. For being accommodating. For making it easy for others to be around us. But here’s what most of us weren’t taught: how to trust ourselves.

If you’re nodding your head yes, then keep reading, because that’s exactly what this episode of The Terri Cole Show is about.

Trust is not blind loyalty. Trust, when it’s real, is earned clarity. It’s transparency. It’s discernment. And when we don’t have it, when we’ve absorbed distorted messages about what trust is supposed to look like, it can lead us to abandon ourselves in subtle but damaging ways.

So let’s slow it down together and get curious about what you learned about trust and how to unlearn what no longer serves you.

https://https://youtu.be/qwVOK6dn5iw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Your Trust Blueprint?

Think back. We all have a blueprint for trust, just like we do for love or boundaries, or money. It’s usually formed in childhood, absorbed through observation and experience, whether or not it was ever directly talked about.

So, what did you learn in your family of origin?

In the downloadable guide that goes with this episode, I’ve included a few questions to help you map this out. But here’s a start:

Did the adults in your life keep their word?Could you count on them to do what they said they were going to do?Did they protect your privacy, or were your secrets passed around the dinner table?Were you expected to trust others automatically, no matter what?

In some families, trust is modeled through consistency and care. In others, it’s demanded, no matter how people behave. And that distinction matters.

Want to explore how your trust patterns began? Check out How to Trust Again With Discernment.

In a lot of families, especially enmeshed ones, there’s no real privacy. Everyone knows everyone’s business. It can feel like your loyalty to the group is more important than your personal truth. Maybe you grew up being expected to keep secrets, or to cover for other people, or to look the other way when something felt off.

In my own family, I had three older sisters and yes, of course, we fought. Four girls within six years, that’s inevitable. But we also had a kind of unspoken, sacred sisterly code. If someone needed cover, we didn’t ask questions. If you told me to say you weren’t home when someone called, I would say you weren’t home. Loyalty was a given.

Even now, my sister Kathy lives nearby and if something happens, she’s there. No questions asked. When life hits hard—sickness, loss, heartbreak—my family rallies. And I love that. It’s motivated by love, by devotion. But even in a system that was mostly healthy, there was an element of assumed trust. A kind of unexamined loyalty that didn’t always leave room for questioning.

So it’s important to ask yourself: What did you learn about trust as a kid that you’re still carrying now?

And more importantly, does it still serve you?

How Self-Trust Gets Eroded—And Why It Matters

Let me tell you a quick story.

When I was 21, I moved to New York City from a tiny, safe town in New Jersey. We didn’t lock our doors growing up. We left the keys in the car. That was my reality.

So there I was in the city, sharing a studio apartment (I slept in the closet!) with my old beater of a car parked on the street, unlocked, of course, with bags of new clothes I got from a sample sale inside because I didn’t know any better. And the next morning? All the clothes were gone. The car had been robbed.

I remember feeling crushed. Like, who would do that?
And the answer, of course, is: a lot of people.
But I had no context. No lived experience. I was naïve.
I also had to confront something important. Not everyone is as trustworthy as I am.

And that’s where we run into what is called positive projection. Just because you wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean someone else won’t. And when you’re a naturally trusting person, when you are trustworthy, it’s easy to project that onto others and assume they’re the same.

But they’re not always.

Trust is not something you give away. It’s something someone earns.

For some of us, our blueprint taught us to trust until proven otherwise. But I’ve found, both personally and in 28 years in my therapy practice, that this is a myth. It’s too simplistic.

Trust isn’t about being naive. And it’s not about being paranoid. It’s about being discerning.

I want to talk about this especially for the folks raised as women, because we’ve been sold a cultural script that says asking questions makes you rude. That advocating for yourself makes you high-maintenance. That if you’re too cautious or too slow to open up, you’re somehow damaged or hard to love.

I’ve had clients afraid to get a second opinion on a medical diagnosis because they didn’t want to offend their doctor. That’s not good girl energy. That’s a potentially life-threatening level of self-abandonment.

What’s the Cost of Being Too Trusting?

When we confuse trust with compliance, we prioritize being seen as easygoing over being truly safe.

When you trust too fast, too soon, without discernment, it can lead to:

Over-functioning in relationships

Staying in toxic dynamics too long

Betraying your own gut instincts

Silencing your voice so others feel more comfortable

And yes, it can even mean walking on eggshells.

Because here’s the truth. In a healthy relationship, you don’t regularly feel afraid. You don’t fear their disapproval. You’re not being tracked. You’re not constantly trying to decode what they meant. You don’t feel like asking a basic question will cost you their affection.

And if you are afraid? It’s time to ask why.

You Get to Raise Your Standards

Boundaries can feel challenging to set because one of the most common fears (and myths) is that setting boundaries is selfish. We don’t want others to think we’re not generous.

This fear is even more pronounced when you’re a woman, because chances are, you learned that being perceived as nice and being nice was extremely important. 

Abandoning your needs is not a noble pursuit. And it is unnecessary. 

Self-abandonment also tends to lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from others- all things we want to avoid.

The truth is, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, stop, and reinforce. 

We endlessly tell others how to treat us by what we do or don’t do. We may try to assert a boundary or complain about something, but changes won’t happen or stick if we don’t reinforce them. 

It’s not kind to always be available, never say no, constantly pick up the slack for others, and pretend to be fine.

When you ignore your needs, you give permission for others to do the same. 

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have because it sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. 

Your boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. And if you don’t define them, someone else will. 

When you don’t assert your boundaries, you’re like a tiny boat caught up in a tsunami of other people’s boundaries, desires, thoughts, needs, and limits. They’re dictating the weather.

Getting healthier and learning to set and communicate our boundaries changes this scenario. We become the weather, and our life is the boat. We’re dictating and determining the direction of our lives.

Don’t Focus on This Question

If you ever wonder, “Why would someone ask this of me?” or “Why would they do that to me?”, you’re asking the wrong question. 

The right question is, “Now that they’ve done this, what will I do? What is my limit? Where’s my boundary?”

Again, when we don’t define our boundaries, someone else will, and they are usually doing so with their own best interest in mind.  

What Setting Healthy Boundaries Looks + Sounds Like

We have finite bandwidth, and boundaries can give us the clarity and self-trust to begin living more authentically. 

Setting personal boundaries can sound like, “No, I’m not available,” without over-explaining. 

It sounds like saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” when you want to rest and someone else wants just one more thing. 

It looks like letting people sit with their feelings without rescuing them: no auto-advice giving, jumping in, or putting on a cape. 

It looks like ending conversations that feel manipulative or draining, asking for what you need, and expecting it to matter to the most important people in your life. 

Your VIPs don’t necessarily have to understand why you’re upset about something, but they need to care about how you feel. 

Having healthy boundaries also means no longer always saying yes to others and no to ourselves or what we want.

A more authentic version of you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set with others, or the no you don’t give, but want to.

To get started, grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each.

Addressing Common Fears When Setting Boundaries

One of the top questions I get asked is, “What if someone gets mad when I try to set a boundary?”

They might! Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having boundaries. 

Focus on this: when you begin honoring your limits, the people who love you will adjust and respect you more. 

There may be growing pains, but because how you feel and what you want matters to them, they will make your boundaries matter because you matter. 

Those using you for your lack of boundaries won’t love this change, but nobody will die over it. Their discomfort with the situation isn’t yours to carry. 

It might feel terrifying to set boundaries if you’ve spent years people-pleasing, overgiving, or managing other people’s emotions.

If so, I see you, and I feel you.

But boundaries do not create distance. They create clarity. 

Knowing your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers allows you to fully show up as yourself, rather than out of obligation or guilt. 

The most tragic part of people pleasing and appeasing your life away is that people don’t know the real you.

Sharing your boundaries is sharing your true self with your people, and you are worth knowing.

Are you ready to build boundaries that stick? Join me in Boundary Bootcamp, my signature course that dives deep into identifying hidden guilt triggers, speaking boundaries clearly and calmly, navigating pushback without folding or getting too heated, building internal boundaries to stop self-abandonment, and so much more. We start soon, and I’d love to have you.

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each, which contains the words you need to begin setting boundaries. 

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

738 From Blind Trust to Discernment: Healing the Way You Relate

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“If we’re never positive of somebody’s motives, how can we ever relax?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you been going through life confused about why the people you trust always seem to let you down? Or do you avoid trusting anyone because you aren’t sure who deserves it? You might have learned disordered trust patterns from your family of origin. On today’s episode, I’m sharing some strategies for identifying patterns that don’t serve you and getting clarity on who deserves a space in the front row of your life.

Highlights:3:40 Going back to your trust blueprint11:20 The consequences of a disordered relationship with trust15:30 Where does real trust come from?Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

738 How Your Childhood Trust Blueprint Affects Every Relationship (And What to Do About It)

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“If we’re never positive of somebody’s motives, how can we ever relax?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you been going through life confused about why the people you trust always seem to let you down? Or do you avoid trusting anyone because you aren’t sure who deserves it? You might have learned disordered trust patterns from your family of origin. On today’s episode, I’m sharing some strategies for identifying patterns that don’t serve you and getting clarity on who deserves a space in the front row of your life.

Highlights:3:40 Going back to your trust blueprint11:20 The consequences of a disordered relationship with trust15:30 Where does real trust come from?Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

737 Food, Family, and Fun with Comedian Tim Chantarangsu

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“When you’re parents, it’s a conscious effort to keep the spark alive. If I want to enjoy time with my wife, I have to carve it out and make sure we’re committed to that.” – Tim Chantarangsu

Intro

I’m so excited to have Tim Chantarangsu on the show to talk about life as a comedian, being one of the OG content creators (he started *before* YouTube was a thing), family, food, and being a father. 

I met Tim on the set of Counsel Culture with Nick Cannon and was immediately drawn to how insightful and humorous he was. I hope you enjoy this interview as much as I did!

Highlights:4:50 Tim’s origin story giving relationship advice in the age of MySpace8:00 How Tim’s Thai background molded his sense of humour 11:35 What Tim loves about his time on TV and what he doesn’t20:40 Parenting and keeping the spark alive with your partner23:50 How Tim decided to write his own movie instead of waiting for the right script to come along28:20 Tim’s acting influences and inspirationsConnect with Tim Chantarangsu

Tim Chantarangsu is a comedian, rapper, and actor who built a following of over 4 million Youtube subscribers and over 1 billion views. He has since made his presence known online and also on the small screen, as a starring cast member on MTV’s hiphop improv comedy show Wild ‘N Out for 8 seasons, and 3 seasons of Deliciousness, while also appearing on shows like Guy Code and Blindspotting on the Starz Network. He travels the country eating and drinking on his travel show Send Foodz on Thrillist, And When Foodie Calls, and continues to crank out content both online and off, including many independent films and multiple podcasts like No Chaser and Dudes Behind the Foods.

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Timothy

IG: https://instagram.com/timchantarangsu

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss (Tips Inside)

Do you catch yourself saying…

I don’t want them to think…

I don’t want them to feel…

I don’t want to seem difficult…        

I don’t want to hurt their feelings…

If so, this episode is for you because it’s about becoming a boundary boss without guilt. When we say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I just wanted to be nice,” we’re often self-abandoning and either not being honest or not setting boundaries we need to set. It’s time to change that!

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Struggle of Setting Boundaries

Many people say things like, “I don’t want them to think/feel…” out of kindness and consideration.

But it’s not real kindness. It’s fear of rejection or self-abandonment masquerading as politeness. 

No shame- since childhood, we were trained to make other people comfortable at the expense of our comfort. 

I never even thought about my comfort or discomfort because I was so focused on others. Maybe you can relate! 

Many people confuse being liked with being safe and do everything to avoid conflict or drama. 

We might have silenced our needs to avoid rocking the boat or said yes when we really wanted to say hell no. 

This behavior was adaptive in childhood (it was how we survived), but continuing it in adulthood comes at a high cost, and there’s a better, healthier way to go about life: with boundaries! 

What Are Boundaries?

Let’s go back to the basics of personal boundaries, because this is the missing key for most people to live an authentic life with more freedom and less resentment. 

Spoiler alert: boundaries aren’t about controlling others, and they’re not just about saying “no.” They’re not even about keeping people out. 

Boundaries are about keeping you safe, sane, and sovereign within. They’re about us, not others. 

Boundaries consist of your preferences (what you want and don’t want), your limits (what’s okay and not okay with you), and your deal breakers (what you’ll always walk away from). 

Boundaries are unique because they’re based on what matters to you. There’s no way to say someone else’s boundaries are right or wrong. 

They’re a practice in self-ownership, not punishment. 

Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors or bridges you control (as opposed to other people). They can feel mean when you were raised to believe that your needs are threatening to someone else. 

As I always say, we can set boundaries with kindness, compassion, love, and a little heat, if needed. 

Five Types of Boundaries

Many people think boundaries are just about saying “no,” but they’re so much more than that. Let’s look at the five categories that boundaries fall into.

Physical boundaries are about your personal space and physical touch. Example: “I’m not comfortable hugging,” or “I prefer a handshake over a hug.”

Emotional boundaries are your right to own your feelings and not absorb other people’s. It’s being able to differentiate between your pain and someone else’s. An example is, “I understand you’re upset, but I need space to process.” 

Mental boundaries are about your thoughts, values, and beliefs. It’s like your intellectual freedom. Example: “I respect your opinion, but I think differently.” 

Material boundaries are about your possessions, money, and time as a resource. Example: “I can’t lend my car this weekend,” or “I don’t lend money. It’s not personal, it’s my policy.” 

Energetic boundaries are your capacity and presence, as well as your spiritual and emotional energy. An example is saying “I’m not available to talk right now” if you know you don’t have the bandwidth for a conversation. 

When one of these is out of alignment, you’ll feel it in your body, mood, and relationships. 

For more boundary scripts, download The Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say in Each. 

Boundary Myths and Truths

Boundaries can feel challenging to set because one of the most common fears (and myths) is that setting boundaries is selfish. We don’t want others to think we’re not generous.

This fear is even more pronounced when you’re a woman, because chances are, you learned that being perceived as nice and being nice was extremely important. 

Abandoning your needs is not a noble pursuit. And it is unnecessary. 

Self-abandonment also tends to lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from others- all things we want to avoid.

The truth is, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, stop, and reinforce. 

We endlessly tell others how to treat us by what we do or don’t do. We may try to assert a boundary or complain about something, but changes won’t happen or stick if we don’t reinforce them. 

It’s not kind to always be available, never say no, constantly pick up the slack for others, and pretend to be fine.

When you ignore your needs, you give permission for others to do the same. 

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have because it sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. 

Your boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. And if you don’t define them, someone else will. 

When you don’t assert your boundaries, you’re like a tiny boat caught up in a tsunami of other people’s boundaries, desires, thoughts, needs, and limits. They’re dictating the weather.

Getting healthier and learning to set and communicate our boundaries changes this scenario. We become the weather, and our life is the boat. We’re dictating and determining the direction of our lives.

Don’t Focus on This Question

If you ever wonder, “Why would someone ask this of me?” or “Why would they do that to me?”, you’re asking the wrong question. 

The right question is, “Now that they’ve done this, what will I do? What is my limit? Where’s my boundary?”

Again, when we don’t define our boundaries, someone else will, and they are usually doing so with their own best interest in mind.  

What Setting Healthy Boundaries Looks + Sounds Like

We have finite bandwidth, and boundaries can give us the clarity and self-trust to begin living more authentically. 

Setting personal boundaries can sound like, “No, I’m not available,” without over-explaining. 

It sounds like saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” when you want to rest and someone else wants just one more thing. 

It looks like letting people sit with their feelings without rescuing them: no auto-advice giving, jumping in, or putting on a cape. 

It looks like ending conversations that feel manipulative or draining, asking for what you need, and expecting it to matter to the most important people in your life. 

Your VIPs don’t necessarily have to understand why you’re upset about something, but they need to care about how you feel. 

Having healthy boundaries also means no longer always saying yes to others and no to ourselves or what we want.

A more authentic version of you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set with others, or the no you don’t give, but want to.

To get started, grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each.

Addressing Common Fears When Setting Boundaries

One of the top questions I get asked is, “What if someone gets mad when I try to set a boundary?”

They might! Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having boundaries. 

Focus on this: when you begin honoring your limits, the people who love you will adjust and respect you more. 

There may be growing pains, but because how you feel and what you want matters to them, they will make your boundaries matter because you matter. 

Those using you for your lack of boundaries won’t love this change, but nobody will die over it. Their discomfort with the situation isn’t yours to carry. 

It might feel terrifying to set boundaries if you’ve spent years people-pleasing, overgiving, or managing other people’s emotions.

If so, I see you, and I feel you.

But boundaries do not create distance. They create clarity. 

Knowing your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers allows you to fully show up as yourself, rather than out of obligation or guilt. 

The most tragic part of people pleasing and appeasing your life away is that people don’t know the real you.

Sharing your boundaries is sharing your true self with your people, and you are worth knowing.

Are you ready to build boundaries that stick? Join me in Boundary Bootcamp, my signature course that dives deep into identifying hidden guilt triggers, speaking boundaries clearly and calmly, navigating pushback without folding or getting too heated, building internal boundaries to stop self-abandonment, and so much more. We start soon, and I’d love to have you.

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each, which contains the words you need to begin setting boundaries. 

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.