Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss (Tips Inside)

Do you catch yourself saying…

I don’t want them to think…

I don’t want them to feel…

I don’t want to seem difficult…        

I don’t want to hurt their feelings…

If so, this episode is for you because it’s about becoming a boundary boss without guilt. When we say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I just wanted to be nice,” we’re often self-abandoning and either not being honest or not setting boundaries we need to set. It’s time to change that!

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Struggle of Setting Boundaries

Many people say things like, “I don’t want them to think/feel…” out of kindness and consideration.

But it’s not real kindness. It’s fear of rejection or self-abandonment masquerading as politeness. 

No shame- since childhood, we were trained to make other people comfortable at the expense of our comfort. 

I never even thought about my comfort or discomfort because I was so focused on others. Maybe you can relate! 

Many people confuse being liked with being safe and do everything to avoid conflict or drama. 

We might have silenced our needs to avoid rocking the boat or said yes when we really wanted to say hell no. 

This behavior was adaptive in childhood (it was how we survived), but continuing it in adulthood comes at a high cost, and there’s a better, healthier way to go about life: with boundaries! 

What Are Boundaries?

Let’s go back to the basics of personal boundaries, because this is the missing key for most people to live an authentic life with more freedom and less resentment. 

Spoiler alert: boundaries aren’t about controlling others, and they’re not just about saying “no.” They’re not even about keeping people out. 

Boundaries are about keeping you safe, sane, and sovereign within. They’re about us, not others. 

Boundaries consist of your preferences (what you want and don’t want), your limits (what’s okay and not okay with you), and your deal breakers (what you’ll always walk away from). 

Boundaries are unique because they’re based on what matters to you. There’s no way to say someone else’s boundaries are right or wrong. 

They’re a practice in self-ownership, not punishment. 

Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re doors or bridges you control (as opposed to other people). They can feel mean when you were raised to believe that your needs are threatening to someone else. 

As I always say, we can set boundaries with kindness, compassion, love, and a little heat, if needed. 

Five Types of Boundaries

Many people think boundaries are just about saying “no,” but they’re so much more than that. Let’s look at the five categories that boundaries fall into.

Physical boundaries are about your personal space and physical touch. Example: “I’m not comfortable hugging,” or “I prefer a handshake over a hug.”

Emotional boundaries are your right to own your feelings and not absorb other people’s. It’s being able to differentiate between your pain and someone else’s. An example is, “I understand you’re upset, but I need space to process.” 

Mental boundaries are about your thoughts, values, and beliefs. It’s like your intellectual freedom. Example: “I respect your opinion, but I think differently.” 

Material boundaries are about your possessions, money, and time as a resource. Example: “I can’t lend my car this weekend,” or “I don’t lend money. It’s not personal, it’s my policy.” 

Energetic boundaries are your capacity and presence, as well as your spiritual and emotional energy. An example is saying “I’m not available to talk right now” if you know you don’t have the bandwidth for a conversation. 

When one of these is out of alignment, you’ll feel it in your body, mood, and relationships. 

For more boundary scripts, download The Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say in Each. 

Boundary Myths and Truths

Boundaries can feel challenging to set because one of the most common fears (and myths) is that setting boundaries is selfish. We don’t want others to think we’re not generous.

This fear is even more pronounced when you’re a woman, because chances are, you learned that being perceived as nice and being nice was extremely important. 

Abandoning your needs is not a noble pursuit. And it is unnecessary. 

Self-abandonment also tends to lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from others- all things we want to avoid.

The truth is, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, stop, and reinforce. 

We endlessly tell others how to treat us by what we do or don’t do. We may try to assert a boundary or complain about something, but changes won’t happen or stick if we don’t reinforce them. 

It’s not kind to always be available, never say no, constantly pick up the slack for others, and pretend to be fine.

When you ignore your needs, you give permission for others to do the same. 

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have because it sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. 

Your boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. And if you don’t define them, someone else will. 

When you don’t assert your boundaries, you’re like a tiny boat caught up in a tsunami of other people’s boundaries, desires, thoughts, needs, and limits. They’re dictating the weather.

Getting healthier and learning to set and communicate our boundaries changes this scenario. We become the weather, and our life is the boat. We’re dictating and determining the direction of our lives.

Don’t Focus on This Question

If you ever wonder, “Why would someone ask this of me?” or “Why would they do that to me?”, you’re asking the wrong question. 

The right question is, “Now that they’ve done this, what will I do? What is my limit? Where’s my boundary?”

Again, when we don’t define our boundaries, someone else will, and they are usually doing so with their own best interest in mind.  

What Setting Healthy Boundaries Looks + Sounds Like

We have finite bandwidth, and boundaries can give us the clarity and self-trust to begin living more authentically. 

Setting personal boundaries can sound like, “No, I’m not available,” without over-explaining. 

It sounds like saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” when you want to rest and someone else wants just one more thing. 

It looks like letting people sit with their feelings without rescuing them: no auto-advice giving, jumping in, or putting on a cape. 

It looks like ending conversations that feel manipulative or draining, asking for what you need, and expecting it to matter to the most important people in your life. 

Your VIPs don’t necessarily have to understand why you’re upset about something, but they need to care about how you feel. 

Having healthy boundaries also means no longer always saying yes to others and no to ourselves or what we want.

A more authentic version of you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set with others, or the no you don’t give, but want to.

To get started, grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each.

Addressing Common Fears When Setting Boundaries

One of the top questions I get asked is, “What if someone gets mad when I try to set a boundary?”

They might! Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having boundaries. 

Focus on this: when you begin honoring your limits, the people who love you will adjust and respect you more. 

There may be growing pains, but because how you feel and what you want matters to them, they will make your boundaries matter because you matter. 

Those using you for your lack of boundaries won’t love this change, but nobody will die over it. Their discomfort with the situation isn’t yours to carry. 

It might feel terrifying to set boundaries if you’ve spent years people-pleasing, overgiving, or managing other people’s emotions.

If so, I see you, and I feel you.

But boundaries do not create distance. They create clarity. 

Knowing your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers allows you to fully show up as yourself, rather than out of obligation or guilt. 

The most tragic part of people pleasing and appeasing your life away is that people don’t know the real you.

Sharing your boundaries is sharing your true self with your people, and you are worth knowing.

Are you ready to build boundaries that stick? Join me in Boundary Bootcamp, my signature course that dives deep into identifying hidden guilt triggers, speaking boundaries clearly and calmly, navigating pushback without folding or getting too heated, building internal boundaries to stop self-abandonment, and so much more. We start soon, and I’d love to have you.

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each, which contains the words you need to begin setting boundaries. 

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.