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Why You Freeze Around Authority Figures and How to Take Your Power Back

Do you ever shrink, freeze, or overreact with authority figures?

It could happen with a boss, a professor, or even a doctor.

Your heart races, your thoughts scramble, and afterward you think, Why did I react like that?

You are not alone.

For many women, interactions with authority can trigger strong emotional responses that may not make sense in the moment.

Today, we are breaking down why this happens, how it shows up, and the practical steps you can take to change the pattern.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What We Mean by an Authority Trigger

Authority triggers are exaggerated reactions to people who hold power in your life. You might overaccommodate, go silent, or swing to anger.

The reaction often feels bigger than the situation because your nervous system responds to past experiences where authority did not feel safe.

In many families, our first experience with authority is with a father or father figure. If that relationship was unpredictable, critical, emotionally unavailable, or unsafe, your body may have learned that authority equals danger.

Even if you consciously know your manager is reasonable or your doctor is supportive, your nervous system can still go on ‘high alert’.

How It Shows Up in Real LifeWorkplace avoidance. One client was a confident high performer yet avoided asking for a raise for years. She did not want to seem ungrateful and feared her boss’s disapproval. She also delayed submitting expense reports for eight months because she feared getting in trouble. That was not an adult fear. That was a younger self trying not to disappoint an authority figure.Medical anxiety. Another client had a harsh father and later stayed with a dismissive dentist who ignored her pain. She did not realize she could fire him until we worked to integrate her early experiences. Once she understood the pattern, she changed providers and began advocating for herself.Social dynamics. Sometimes this shows up in friend groups. You might feel resentful or intimidated by a self-appointed leader who organizes everything. The reaction may be less about that person and more about your internalized response to authority.

If any of this resonates, there is nothing wrong with you. You are reenacting an old emotional blueprint that was designed to protect you.

The Role of Transference

In therapy, we call this transference. You are reacting to a person in the present as if they were someone from your past. Years ago, I had an internship supervisor who terrified me.

I complained constantly about him in therapy until my therapist asked me to describe him. Then she asked, Who does that sound like? It hit me immediately. I was responding to him as if he were my father.

Once I recognized the transference, I could see clearly and respond from my adult self.

Why Your Body Reacts

There are three core reasons these patterns can persist.

Nervous system imprint
Early unsafe experiences wire us for survival. When an authority figure raises their voice, criticizes, or even looks stern, your body may shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Maybe your throat tightens. Maybe your mind goes blank. Maybe you nod along and overagree to feel safe.Learned behavior
If speaking up once led to punishment or rejection, silence can feel safer. You may avoid conflict, overprepare, or overperform to gain approval.External validation habit
Many of us learned to chase approval from people who had power. When you still rely on external validation, you may relinquish your confidence at work, in medical settings, or in social hierarchies without realizing it.How to Change the Pattern

You can retrain your mind and body to respond differently. Here are six practices to help you shift from reaction to choice.

1) Use the Three Qs for Clarity
When you feel an amplified reaction, pause and ask yourself:

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt this before?Why does this dynamic feel familiar?

These questions help you identify a transference reaction so you can separate past from present.

2) Awareness first, judgment last
Name what is happening without a story. Try, I feel fear, and this feels old. Or, I notice my chest is tight and I want to freeze. Naming the experience engages your adult self and reduces automatic reacting.

3) Self-validation on repeat
Shift from seeking approval to granting it. Try simple truths like, My needs and opinions are valid, or It is safe for me to ask questions, or I am allowed to take up space. Say them daily. Write them where you will see them. Speak them before hard conversations.

4) Practice small boundaries with low stakes
Build the muscle gradually. If your meal comes out wrong, kindly ask for it to be fixed. If your doctor rushes you, say, I have two questions I want to make sure we cover before I leave. If a meeting is chaotic, say, I want to clarify my next step before we wrap. Small, consistent acts teach your nervous system that your voice is safe to use.

5) Reparenting
Give yourself what you needed and did not receive. Maybe it is hearing, I am proud of you, or You are safe with me, or I believe you. Try mirror work. Look into your own eyes and say the words you needed to hear. It might feel awkward at first. Over time, your inner landscape changes when your own loving voice shows up.

6) Regulate your body
A calm body makes clear thinking possible. Try four-by-four breathing: inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Repeat three or four rounds. You can also plant both feet on the floor, relax your jaw and shoulders, and press your fingertips together to cue present-moment awareness.

Scripts You Can Use Right Away

When you anticipate an authority trigger, prepare a few lines to keep your adult self in the driver’s seat.

With a boss: “I want to make sure I am aligned with your expectations. Can you give me two examples of what success looks like here?” “Thank you for the feedback. I want to get this right. What would you like me to prioritize first?”With a doctor: “I have two questions I want to address before we finish. First, what are my options? Second, what would you recommend if I were your family member?” “I do not feel comfortable with that plan yet. I want to understand the risks and benefits before deciding.”In a social group:“I want to be part of planning, and I also want to make sure everyone has input. Can we slow down and get everyone’s preferences?” “I am going to pass on this plan, and I hope you all have a great time. I will join the next one.”Spotting Your Personal Activation Points

Everyone has different sensitivity zones. For some, it is a raised voice.

For others, it is being cut off mid-sentence or being on the receiving end of a curt email or a stern expression. Track your reactions for a week. Note the moment you felt that jolt of fear or freeze. What happened seconds before? What story did your mind tell? Awareness can help you stop repeating the same experiences.

A Note on Voice and Volume

I still get activated when someone raises their voice. I did not grow up in a home where yelling was allowed, so anything high volume can feel shocking to my system. Knowing that about myself helps me intervene faster. If someone is loud, I can calmly say, I want to hear you, and I can stay in this if we both bring the volume down. You can honor your sensitivity while also staying present.

Bringing Your Adult Self to the Room

Here is a simple progression to use when you feel small around authority.

Pause and breathe. Four by four, twice.Name it. I feel fear, and it feels old.Orient to the present. Where am I? Am I warm or cool? Is what I’m sitting on hard or soft?Choose one adult action. Ask a clarifying question, state one preference, or make a straightforward request.

Small changes add up quickly. With repetition, your nervous system learns that you can handle authority dynamics without abandoning yourself.

You Are Not That Little Girl Anymore

The younger part of you still lives inside you and deserves protection. Your adult self is the protector now. You are allowed to take up space, say no, ask for time, and request clarity. You are allowed to leave a provider who does not treat you with respect. You are allowed to advocate for fair pay. You are allowed to speak up in groups.

Your past may have shaped your reflexes, but it does not get to dictate your future. You are in charge now.

I put the tools from this episode into a free guide for you. You will find the Three Qs for Clarity, self-validation prompts, boundary starters for low-stakes settings, and a short nervous system reset you can use before tough conversations.

If this resonated, tell me in the comments what authority situation is most activating for you right now. I would love to support you with a script or a strategy.

As always, take care of you.

FAQ Section Why do authority figures make me anxious?
Because your nervous system may link authority to past experiences where power felt unsafe. Early family dynamics, especially with critical or unpredictable caregivers, can create that imprint. How can I tell if I’m projecting my father onto my boss or authority figure?
If your reaction feels exaggerated or familiar, use the “Three Qs for Clarity”: Who does this remind me of? Where have I felt this before? Why does this feel familiar? What can I do in the moment when I freeze or shut down?
Pause and use four-by-four breathing: inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four. Then ground yourself by naming where you are, if you feel warm or cool, and if what you’re sitting on is hard or soft.Can I heal authority issues if my father or caregiver isn’t involved or has passed away?
Yes. Healing doesn’t require their participation or acknowledgment. You can reparent yourself through awareness, self-validation, and new experiences, reinforcing your safety and worth.

780 Why You Freeze Around Authority Figures and How to Take Your Power Back

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“Fathers are, a lot of the time, our first experience with authority.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you ever shrink, freeze, or overreact with authority figures? 

It could happen with a boss, a professor, or even a doctor. 

Your heart races, your thoughts scramble, and afterward you think, Why did I react like that?

You are not alone. 

For many women, interactions with authority can trigger strong emotional responses that may not make sense in the moment. 

Today, we are breaking down why this happens, how it shows up, and the practical steps you can take to change the pattern.

Highlights:4:20 You’re not alone if you have a father wound7:00 Why father wounds can impact your relationship with authority12:10 How transference onto authority figures works18:00 My own search for approval from authority figures and how I healed my father woundLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

779 Build More Secure Relationships with Jessica Baum

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“We want to slow down and be with what’s in your body. That’s how we start to heal attachment wounds.” – Jessica Baum

Intro

You keep attracting the same relationship patterns and don’t know why. Psychotherapist Jessica Baum explains it’s not your fault—your body remembers childhood dynamics through implicit memory and unconsciously recreates them in adulthood. Insecure attachment lives in your nervous system, not just your mind.

Discover why healing happens through safe relationships (not isolation), how to develop “earned security” even if your childhood was chaotic, and why depending on healthy people is the counterintuitive path to inner safety. True healing is somatic, body-based, and possible at any age.

Connect with Jessica Baum on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. Also, here is the freebie link that Jessica mentioned in the episode.

Highlights:3:40 Jessica’s origin story5:30 How early attachment patterns can make us feel unsafe in our closest relationships7:50 What we can do to stop acting out core wounds, like fear of abandonment15:00 Building earned security and attachment19:14 Jessica’s lived experience of gaining more inner security21:30 How implicit memory shapes our relational patterns32:10 Jessica’s biggest personal boundary struggleConnect with Jessica Baum

JESSICA BAUM is a licensed psychotherapist whose journey began with a lifelong curiosity about the “Whys” of life—why we feel, connect, and experience the world the way we do. This passion led her to specialize in trauma, attachment theory, and interpersonal neurobiology. Jessica believes that connection—to ourselves and others—is at the heart of healing, and she uses a range of modalities to help individuals and couples return to wholeness. She is the founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach, a private group practice, and she leads a global coaching company offering support to clients worldwide. Jessica is a certified addiction specialist and Imago couples therapist with advanced training in EMDR, experiential therapy, CBT, and DBT. Her best-selling book, Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love, established her as a trusted voice in the healing of attachment wounds and building secure, fulfilling relationships.

You can order Jessica’s newest book, Safe: An Attachment-Informed Guide to Building More Secure Relationships here. 

Find Jessica at:

https://jessicabaumlmhc.com

https://www.instagram.com/jessicabaumlmhc

https://consciousrelationshipgroup.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

10 Red and Green Flags to Watch for in Modern Dating

Have you ever gone on a date, felt a spark, and then suddenly found yourself trying to decode mixed messages, hot-and-cold communication, or someone who just feels “off”? If so, you are definitely not alone. I have been hearing from so many of you asking me to break down the red and green flags in modern dating.

Dating might look different today with apps, DMs, and text threads, but human nature has not changed. Understanding what signals emotional health and what signals trouble can help you save time, energy, and heartbreak. Let’s get clear on both sides of the dating spectrum.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Red Flags to Watch For Broken Promises
If someone says they will call on Friday but doesn’t, then checks in on Monday like nothing happened, that can be a red flag. Reliability and integrity are foundational in healthy relationships. When words and actions do not match, you must call out the discrepancy. A person’s follow-through tells you far more than their promises. Moving Too Fast Sexually
If someone pushes for sex early on or starts sexting before you even know their last name, that is a signal to pause. This kind of behavior can depersonalize a connection and often shows poor boundaries or self-control. I am not anti-sex, but I am pro-emotional clarity. Becoming sexual too quickly can complicate the process of truly getting to know someone. (Note: This does not apply to folks who are looking for a sexual connection and not necessarily more.) Hot-and-Cold Communication
One minute, they are texting constantly; the next, they disappear. That inconsistency is not a romantic mystery; it often reflects ambivalence or intimacy issues. When communication is unpredictable, your nervous system feels the instability. A person who runs hot and cold shows you their capacity for consistency. Pay attention. Disrespect Toward Others
Notice how they treat people in service roles such as a waiter, cab driver, or cashier. If their tone is dismissive, condescending, or rude, that reveals much about their character. Someone who lacks basic respect for others will eventually show you the same lack of respect. Blaming Others
If every story they tell ends with someone else being the problem, such as their boss, parents, or all their “crazy exes,” that is a major red flag. It is okay to talk about the past, but not if the theme is always victimhood. When someone takes no responsibility for their own behavior, it tells you what conflict will look like later. Poor Listening Skills
Do they actually listen when you talk, or are they waiting for their turn to speak? A poor listener will interrupt, change the subject, or make the conversation primarily about themselves. You might notice that they ask questions but never really absorb your answers. On a first date, nerves can make someone chatty, but if it continues, it points to self-centeredness rather than anxiety. Secretive Behavior
Healthy privacy is fine, but secrecy is different. If you have been dating for a while and still have not met their friends or seen where they live, pay attention. Years ago, I dated someone whose apartment I had never seen the entire time we were together. Eventually, a client told me they saw him at a party with someone else, and yes, it turned out he was hiding multiple relationships. Being closed off is one thing. Being deceptive is another. Oversharing Too Soon
On the flip side, someone who tells you their entire trauma history on date one might seem emotionally open, but it often signals boundary issues. Actual vulnerability unfolds gradually and safely over time. Dumping intimate details immediately may be a bid for closeness that skips over emotional pacing.Green Flags That Signal Emotional Health

Now that we have covered what to look out for, let’s shift toward what to look forward to. Green flags help you recognize emotionally available, respectful, and mature partners. These are the traits that build healthy, sustainable love.

Reliability
When someone says they will call, they call. When they say they will meet you at seven, they do. Words and actions align naturally. Reliability builds trust, and trust creates connection. This kind of consistency is what builds healthy love. Clear, Consistent Communication
No disappearing acts. No decoding required. A person who communicates clearly will text you back in a reasonable time frame, tell you what they mean, and follow through on plans. Direct communication creates a connection you can relax into because hypervigilance is unnecessary. Genuine Curiosity
A green flag partner wants to know who you are, not just what you look like on paper. They ask follow-up questions, remember small details, and listen for understanding, not for their turn to respond. Curiosity shows emotional maturity and genuine interest. Respect Toward Everyone
Pay attention to how they treat others, not just you. My husband, for example, always thanks the toll booth operator and treats everyone with the same level of kindness. Those consistent actions reveal his character. Being respectful is a way of moving through the world. Personal Accountability
People with emotional intelligence can say, “I was wrong,” or “I could have handled that differently.” They take ownership of their actions without spiraling into shame or blame. Accountability is a sign of self-awareness and emotional safety. Respect for Boundaries
When you say you prefer phone calls over texting or are not ready for intimacy, they honor your words without trying to change your mind. They understand that boundaries are not necessarily rejection; they provide essential information. Healthy people respect limits and set their own. Healthy Sharing
They open up gradually, showing appropriate vulnerability over time. They neither dump their life story on the first date nor stay closed entirely off. This slow-building trust is how real intimacy develops. Celebrates Your Success
When something good happens to you, they are genuinely happy. They do not compete or make your achievements about them. Before I met my husband, I dated people who felt threatened by my ambition. Now, I am married to someone who cheers the loudest when it is my turn to shine, and I do the same for him. That mutual celebration creates balance and safety. Independent Life
They have their own friends, interests, and passions. They are not looking for you to complete them, but to complement their already full life. Independence is a sign of emotional health and maturity. Handles Conflict Respectfully
When disagreements arise, they do not shut down or explode. They stay curious, listen, and can apologize. Healthy couples can disagree without tearing each other down. Conflict handled with respect strengthens the connection instead of weakening it.How to Use This Awareness

Knowing the red and green flags is helpful, but the real power comes from how you feel after you spend time with someone. Check in with yourself after each date. I call this your “Green Flag Radar.”

Ask yourself:

Do I feel energized or drained after being with them?Do I feel like I can be my authentic self, or do I feel like I am performing?Am I proud to introduce this person to people I love, or am I hesitant to share the relationship?Does this relationship make my life easier, richer, or more complicated and confusing?

Your body and nervous system often tell you the truth before your brain catches up. If you feel calm, grounded, and seen, that is a green flag. If you feel tense, uncertain, or like you are walking on eggshells, pay attention.

Remember, you deserve someone whose actions match their words, whose kindness extends to everyone around them, and who celebrates who you truly are. Healthy love is not chaotic; it is steady, respectful, and nourishing.

I created a free guide for you to help you spot red and green flags and check in with your intuition after each date. Download it, use it, and let it support you as you build the kind of love you deserve.

As always, take care of you.

FAQ Section What are the biggest red flags to look for when dating?
Common red flags include inconsistent communication, secretive behavior, disrespect toward others, and blaming everyone else for their problems. These behaviors often signal emotional immaturity or unavailability. What are examples of green flags in a relationship?
Green flags include reliability, respect for boundaries, emotional curiosity, accountability, and kindness toward others. These traits indicate emotional health and the capacity for secure connection. Why do I keep missing red flags in dating?
Many people ignore red flags because they are focused on potential or chemistry instead of consistency. Emotional awareness and slowing down the dating process can help you see behavior clearly. How can I tell if my relationship is healthy or toxic?
Check in with how you feel after spending time together. If you feel calm, grounded, and seen, that is a good sign. If you feel anxious, drained, or confused, you may be overlooking red flags that deserve attention.

778 Red & Green Flags in Relationships: What Healthy Love Really Looks Like

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“Someone’s word and their actions being aligned is important. If they’re not aligned, you need to look at what the behavior is as opposed to what their words are.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Tired of mixed signals and emotional rollercoasters? In this episode, Terri Cole breaks down what real relationship green flags and red flags look like—so you can stop guessing and start choosing better.

Learn how to spot inconsistency, emotional immaturity, and genuine care before getting too deep. Healthy love isn’t about drama—it’s about steady effort, respect, and shared growth.

Highlights:4:20 Dating red flags to look out for12:30 Green flags15:00 Treating everyone with respect16:00 Resolving conflict without blame18:00 Avoiding someone who wants you to stay small20:50 Questions to ask yourself about the person you are datingLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

777 Build a Lifetime of Love with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh

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“I call it sexual harmony, not sexual chemistry. With the same notes, you can create melodies for the rest of your lives.” – Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh

Intro

You think love is about luck and chemistry. It’s not. In this episode, award-winning psychologist Dr. Sarah Nazadeh breaks down her Emergent Love Model—6 evidence-based ingredients that build thriving relationships through intentional design, not chance. From the difference between attraction (renewable) and desire (temporary) to rebuilding trust after betrayal.

Learn the A.A.R.M. method for repairing ruptures, why sexual chemistry must evolve into sexual harmony, and how your shared vision is proven by actions, not words. Love takes pleasant work—here’s the framework.

Highlights:2:50 Dr. Sara’s origin story7:00 Behind the title of Sara’s book, Love by Design9:55 The ingredients to build the love you want to experience12:15 What it feels like to have healthy boundaries19:45 Returning from lost trust33:00 How sexual appetite and appetite for food are similarConnect with Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, is a world-renowned Social Psychologist and psychotherapist tending the architecture of intimacy and influence through expertise in sexuality, relationships, and intercultural fluency. Her commitment to the growth of our human community manifests itself through her multi-dimensional efforts as a thinking partner, author, keynote speaker, educator and community builder on social media, and media commentator.  

With experience working across 41 countries, Dr. Sara blends scientific rigor with deep cultural sensitivity to help individuals and communities build more intentional, thriving relationships—from the bedroom to the boardroom. She is the creator of the Emergent Love Model and the Relationship Panoramic Inventory, two evidence-informed tools that offer a holistic approach to relational wellbeing. 

Her work has received numerous awards for innovation and excellence, including honors from the BBC, Pfizer, the British Council, and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. She has served as a trusted advisor to the United Nations, Fortune 500 companies, and global professional organizations. 

Her latest book, Love by Design: 6 Ingredients to Build a Lifetime of Love, introduces a hopeful, practical model to help people understand how love works—and how we can build it by design, not by default. 

find Dr. Sara at:

https://www.sara-nasserzadeh.com

https://www.instagram.com/dr.saranasserzadeh

https://thecommonground.substack.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

774 Managing Your Mental Health with MedCircle’s Kyle Kittleson

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“Don’t underestimate general learning. When you’re constantly exposing yourself to new ideas and information from credible people, all of the sudden you wake up years later and you go, ‘Wait… I move differently, I feel differently, I speak differently, and people treat me differerently now.’” – Kyle Kittleson

Intro

He’s spent his career interviewing the world’s leading mental health experts, but Kyle Kitson still struggles with depression, codependency, and self-sabotage. The difference? Now he has the framework to actually work through it. From marine animal training to mental health education, his journey proves that knowledge without application is just entertainment.

This conversation covers the tiny habit formula that actually sticks, the animal training rule that stops you from setting yourself up to fail, and why approaching your mind with curiosity instead of judgment changes everything. Real talk about doing the work.

Highlights:3:10 Kyle’s origin story working with marine animals10:10 How Kyle found his way to mental health platform MedCircle15:50 What Kyle has learned about forming consistent habits23:50 Cognitive distortions and black-and-white thinking33:40 Kyle’s most difficult boundary struggleConnect with Kyle Kittleson

Kyle Kittleson is the on-camera host for MedCircle, where he educates millions on the vital topic of mental health through compelling interviews and educational content with some of the world’s most renowned doctors. He is skilled at translating complex topics into accessible, engaging conversations. 

Kyle was diagnosed with depression at the age of 9, lost his mother at a young age and also lives with Crohn’s Disease, so he brings his own personal experience and professional knowledge to mental health discussions. 

Find Kyle at:

Website: https://medcircle.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kylekittleson

Email: kyle@medcircle.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

773 How to Escape the Ambition Trap with Amina AlTai

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“As a result of our core wounds, we wear corresponding masks. If you have the rejection wound you wear the mask of avoidance. If you have the betrayal wound, you wear the mask of control. If your ambition is coming from that place, it’s going to be wobbly.” – Amina AlTai

Intro

If you’re a high achiever who constantly feels like you’re either “too much” or “not enough,” this conversation will resonate deeply. Amina Alai, author of “The Ambition Trap,” shares her journey from severe burnout and autoimmune disease to building a sustainable model of success that doesn’t require sacrificing your health.

Discover what’s behind painful ambition, why doing it alone is killing your growth, and how to embrace the seasonal nature of achievement. 

Highlights:3:20 Amina’s origin story5:00 The difference between painful and purposeful ambition7:00 How women get stuck between too much and not enough11:40 Navigating “cancel culture” as a woman in business14:50 The lean-in movement and ambition17:00 Avoiding toxic individualism30:50 The consequences of painful ambition34:00 Setting boundaries when you come from a collectivist cultureConnect with Amina Altai

Amina AITai (pronounced AH-MIN-UH) is a holistic business and career coach, a proud immigrant, and chronic illness advocate.  A leading coach to notable leaders, executives, and founders—Amina’s mastery is connecting us to our brilliance; teaching us to live and lead from it each day.  

As a graduate of NYU with a degree in marketing and economics, she started her career with luxury brands and worked for companies such as Cartier, Dolce & Gabbana and Vera Wang before co-founding a marketing agency to work with emerging female entrepreneurs. She then went on to lead marketing for two wellness companies— Spafinder Wellness and Bliss. After spending a decade grappling with a fast-paced career in marketing, Amina looked successful on paper, and although high-achieving, she was chronically unhappy. 

Overworked and unknowingly making herself physically sick, Amina received a call from her doctor and was told she was days away from multiple organ failure. In hopes of healing her own life, she sought training in coaching, nutrition, movement, and mindfulnes,s and her goal became teaching others how to balance a thriving career, bod,y and mind. She takes a holistic approach to coaching, examining any blocks in the mindset, in our bodies and, in how we lead. 

As a half-Iraqi woman of color, she often works with marginalized communities to help them realize possibilities in a way that honors their particular lived experiences. Amina is also committed to helping diverse leaders thrive through her corporate leadership trainings, which aims to create cultures where everyone can thrive. 

Amina’s debut book, The Ambition Trap: How to Stop Chasing and Start Living (Penguin), will launch on May 13, 2025.  

Along with her one-on-one work with forward-thinking individuals, Amina has partnered with progressive companies such as Google, Roku, Deloitte, Snap, Outdoor Voices, NYU, and HUGE. Amina was a founding coach for Chief (the women’s leadership organization) and also led the coaching division for Inspire Justice (which trains entertainment organizations and celebrities). She’s an Entrepreneur Magazine expert-in-residence, a Forbes contributor, and was named one of Success Magazine’s Women of Influence. Additionally, she’s been featured in goop, Well+Good, The New York Times, Yahoo, NBC, and more. 

In addition to Amina’s coaching certifications, she is trained in Shamanic Reiki, as a meditation teacher, in somatic practices, and has a background in nutrition. Amina currently resides in Brooklyn, NY, where, between client sessions, she can be found playing sound bowls, reading cards, and power-lifting.

Find Amina at: 

https://www.aminaaltai.com

https://www.instagram.com/aminaaltai

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

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TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

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Why You Keep Getting Ghosted (and What the Father Wound Has to Do With It)

 

Have you ever been ghosted, breadcrumbed, or found yourself stuck in yet another situationship, wondering, How did I end up here again?

If so, you are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, we are unpacking what these painful experiences can teach you about your deeper relational patterns because it is rarely just about that one person who vanished or strung you along.

More often, it is about an emotional blueprint you downloaded early in life, one that may have roots in what I call the father wound.

This is not a post about blame. It is about clarity, compassion, and learning how to stop confusing drama for intimacy.

https://youtu.be/fvbHM6fenTM

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Ghosting, Breadcrumbing, and the Illusion of Connection

Let’s start by defining what we are talking about.

Ghosting is not the same as a breakup. It happens when someone vanishes without a trace. One day they are texting, and the next, silence. No explanation. No closure. Just gone.

Breadcrumbing happens when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but never enough to feel secure. They may reach out when you start to pull away. They may flirt, promise, or pop back in just often enough to make you wonder if things could work, but their effort never lasts.

It is confusing, painful, and it chips away at your self-esteem.

If you have experienced this more than once, if ghosting or emotional inconsistency feels like a pattern in your relationships, that is a signal to pause and look deeper. These patterns rarely begin in adulthood.

The Hidden Blueprint: Understanding the Father Wound

A father wound is the emotional injury left when a father figure is absent, rejecting, inconsistent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable.

The impact is not limited to childhood. The father wound can shape how you relate, attach, and interpret love for the rest of your life unless you bring it into awareness and heal it.

I know this wound intimately.

My father was not cruel or explosive. He was quiet, distant, and uninterested. He did not play with us, talk with us, or seem to want to know us. By the time my parents divorced when I was 13, I estimate that we had exchanged maybe fifty words in my entire life.

That silence, that emotional absence, taught me something dangerous: If I am not being loved the way I need, it must be because of me.

As children, we would rather believe we are flawed than face the unbearable truth that a parent might be limited in their capacity to love us. That belief becomes part of our subconscious blueprint: Love is inconsistent. I must work for attention. I have to earn love.

Even decades later, we can find ourselves drawn to people with whom we recreate that dynamic.

How the Father Wound Shows Up in Adult Relationships

When you grow up with emotional inconsistency, your nervous system learns to equate longing with love.

You may unconsciously seek out partners who feel familiar, not necessarily safe or healthy, but familiar. Your system craves the same pattern because it is what it knows.

This is called a repetition compulsion, the subconscious drive to recreate unresolved emotional situations in the hope of a different outcome. It is like the little kid inside you searching for a do-over, thinking, Maybe this time, I will be enough for them to stay.

But it rarely works, because the wound is internal, not external.

That is why being ghosted or breadcrumbed can feel so devastating. It is not just about the person who disappeared. It is about the original abandonment that taught your body love could vanish without warning.

When someone pulls away, your adult mind may say, It is fine, I barely know them. But your nervous system feels the same panic you once felt as a child. That is transference, when your current emotional reaction is amplified by unresolved pain from the past.

I have seen this dynamic again and again in my therapy practice. Clients will panic when a date does not text back, even if they are not sure if they even like the person. That may be the father wound talking, not the present reality.

My “Lightbulb” Moment

For years, I believed I had broken my old pattern. After therapy and lots of growth, I thought I was choosing differently.

I stopped dating emotionally unavailable men, or so I thought. Instead, I dated warm, attentive, affectionate European men. I was sure I had cracked the code.

Until my therapist gently pointed out that most of them lived on another continent.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I had not healed the pattern; I had just dressed it up in new clothes. The dynamic was still the same: being left longing and alone.

Healing from a father wound requires more than awareness. It is about changing what feels familiar, and that takes practice.

Why These Experiences Hurt So Much

When you are ghosted or breadcrumbed, you are not just disappointed. You are re-traumatized.

That is why the pain feels deeper than the situation seems to warrant. You might think, Why am I this upset about someone I barely knew?

Because the pain is not just about them. It is an echo from your past.

Every time someone pulls away without explanation, it mirrors the moment your father turned away, did not respond, or made you feel invisible. It activates that same unhealed wound.

Understanding this does not erase the pain, but can help you see it for what it is: old pain showing up in a new package.

The 3Q Framework for Clarity

Awareness is the first step toward change. I often share this tool with my therapy clients to help bring unconscious patterns into the light.

When you feel triggered, ask yourself:

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt like this before?How or why is this dynamic familiar to me?

These three questions pull the experience out of your emotional basement and into conscious awareness, where you can actually do something about it.

You cannot break a pattern you do not see.

From Awareness to Healing

Once you recognize the pattern, the next step is reparenting yourself and giving yourself what you did not receive growing up.

That means:

Speaking to yourself with compassion.Naming your feelings (“I am feeling rejected,” “I am feeling anxious”).Reminding yourself, This pain is old. It is not all about this person.Choosing partners and friends who are emotionally consistent, even if they feel “boring” at first.

For many people healing from a father wound, healthy love can feel boring at the beginning. That is okay. It simply means your nervous system is recalibrating from chaos to calm.

Over time, consistency starts to feel safe, and that is when true intimacy becomes possible.

Setting New Standards

Healing the father wound means raising your standards for how you allow others to treat you.

Ask yourself:

What does healthy, steady love look like for me?What behaviors demonstrate reliability, care, and mutual respect?Where have I been settling for crumbs instead of a full meal?

You deserve love that does not make you question your worth. You deserve connection that is reciprocal, nurturing, and secure.

When someone’s behavior is inconsistent, call it out, have a conversation, or walk away. Every time you accept inconsistency, you are teaching your nervous system that instability is normal.

Let’s change that together.

Final Reflections

The truth is, we all carry some version of relational pain. For many, the father wound runs deep. But awareness, compassion, and new choices can rewrite the story.

The next time someone ghosts you, or gives you just enough to keep you hanging on, remember this: you are not being punished. You are being invited to heal.

You do not have to prove your worth to be loved. You were born worthy.

You deserve the whole meal, steady, nourishing love that feels safe and real.

I have gathered the Three Qs for Clarity and my favorite healing reflections for this topic in a free guide for you. You can grab it here.

Have you been ghosted or breadcrumbed? How did you handle it? Share your story in the comments. Being witnessed is healing.

As always, take care of you.

772 Why You Keep Getting Ghosted (and What the Father Wound Has to Do With It)

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“Trauma can make you chase even harder, because it’s the little kid in you that feels like if you were just better, you could fix it this time.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you ever been ghosted, breadcrumbed, or found yourself stuck in yet another situationship, wondering, How did I end up here again?

If so, you are not alone, and nothing is wrong with you.

In this episode of The Terri Cole Show, we are unpacking what these painful experiences can teach you about your deeper relational patterns, because it’s rarely just about that one person who vanished or strung you along.

Highlights:3:50 The real definition of ghosting5:40 What is breadcrumbing?7:30 How dynamics in your family of origin might affect your susceptibility to breadcrumbing10:20 How a father wound influences your core beliefs17:30 Breadcrumbing and dopamineLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?