Terri Cole's Blog, page 9

718 Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know (Part 2)

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“There’s so much wisdom in our bodies. It’s always there for us. The more you honour your boundaries, know yourself, and care about your own preferences, desires, limits and dealbreakers, the more easily you’re going to be able to recognize when a boundary has been crossed and the more spontaneously you’re going to be able to manage it.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you ever wonder when it’s appropriate to set a boundary?

Or do you wish you knew what boundaries to set?

Maybe unhealthy behavior was normalized in your family of origin, making it difficult to know when a request is “reasonable.”

If so, this episode is for you. It’s the second in a two-part series about boundaries and high-functioning codependency (HFC). In this one, we’re covering the five types of boundaries, three boundary styles, and tips for when to set a boundary and how to do it.

You can catch Part 1 here, where we covered boundary basics and talked about the unique challenges HFCs have in setting boundaries.

Highlights:4:10 When is it reasonable to set a boundary?5:50 Breaking down the five different types of boundaries12:10 The experience of being a high-functioning codependent and an empath15:00 Are your boundaries too rigid or too malleable?18:00 Some personal policies that will help you set better boundariesLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

717 Creating Rich Relationships with Selena Soo

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“Every single problem that we have in life, every challenge, every struggle, can be alleviated through a rich relationship.” – Selena Soo

Intro

I am so excited to have Selena Soo, my pal and publicity & marketing strategist, on the show to talk about her new book, Rich Relationships: Create a Million Dollar Network For Your Small Business. These tips apply to ALL our relationships, too!

Selena was the person I turned to in the very beginning stages of my online business, and her advice changed the way I looked at building professional relationships. I can’t wait for you to hear her wisdom and start applying it! She shared the 5 types of rich relationships entrepreneurs need and the 6 circles of connection framework that we can use to help us navigate relationships without resentment.

Selena is also offering the first 4 chapters of the book for free: https://richrelationshipsbook.com/terricole PLUS relationship building scripts and a chance to win $1,000!

Highlights:3:00 The advice from Selena that shaped my career6:00 Why now is the time for Selena’s new book, Rich Relationships11:10 The five types of relationships that every entrepreneur needs16:20 Three different types of givers18:35 Selena’s origin story 21:10 The six circles of connection: Manage your network without burning out26:00 Beginning your network as an introvert30:00 How to be of service: Identifying golden moments to help othersConnect with Selena Soo

Selena Soo is a 7-figure business mentor who helps experts and authors reach millions with their message. Through dozens of multi-6 figure and 7 figure launches, Selena has generated over $13 million in revenue in her first 10 years of business. She has also built more than 400 affiliate and referral partnerships.

An expert in publicity, Selena has helped thousands of entrepreneurs land media in places that include O, The Oprah Magazine, Forbes, Business Insider, and The Drew Barrymore Show.

A former New Yorker, Selena is living her dream life in sunny Puerto Rico.

Website: https://selenasoo.com
Book: https://richrelationshipsbook.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know

Do you struggle with setting boundaries because it feels selfish or wrong to put your preferences or needs first?

Do you inadvertently trample on other people’s boundaries? (Hyper-helping, auto-advice giving, etc.)

Or are you a newly identified high-functioning codependent (HFC) wondering why it’s especially tough to set boundaries?

Then you’re in the right place. In this episode, I am breaking down why it’s challenging to set, stick to, and respect other people’s boundaries, particularly as HFCs.

This is part one, and in part two (coming next week), we’ll cover boundary scripts and the different types of boundaries you might want to consider setting.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Are Boundaries?

Even though I’ve spent years talking about boundaries (and wrote a whole book about them), personal boundaries are still a massively misunderstood concept.

Here’s a simple way to think about boundaries: they’re your personal rules of engagement and let other people know what is okay and not okay with you.

Your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers make up your boundaries. They’re what make you uniquely you.

I also love this quote from my friend Dr. Alexandra Solomon: “Your boundary is the amount you can give with a regulated nervous system.” Truth!

There are five types of boundaries: physical, emotional, mental, material, and sexual. We’ll dive deeper into these in part two, but these are the general areas of our lives where we want to consider our boundaries.

High-Functioning Codependency, Defined

So why does being an HFC complicate our relationship to setting and maintaining boundaries?

First, let’s define high-functioning codependency.

It means you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

It might be your psychological or your financial well-being, because as HFCs, we might give people money we can’t afford to give.

If you say “I got it!”, “I’m the only one who can do it,” or “I have to be the one to do it,” you’re likely an HFC.

Download the guide for an HFC assessment to help you recognize any HFC tendencies you may have, as well as questions to help you get clear on how you relate to boundaries.

The Intersection of Codependency and Boundaries

Disordered boundaries are the foundation of any type of codependent relationship, whether it’s the garden variety or high-functioning codependency.

Codependency is a relational issue- it’s about how you relate to others and yourself.

At the core of codependent behavior is a covert or overt bid, attempt, or desire to control other people’s outcomes, which can lead us to overstep boundaries.

Additionally, as HFCs, we were likely raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents. Setting boundaries might seem selfish, or you may have bought into the myth that you need to be inconsiderate or mean to set a boundary.

From 27 years of being a psychotherapist, I can tell you that boundaries are truly a bridge to healthy relationships and better self-esteem, mental health, and physical health.

Boundaries are not blocks; they’re a bridge to greater intimacy in our relationships. Telling the truth about your limits, preferences, and desires lets people in your life know who you are.

HFCs go through life on autopilot, constantly doing and making sure everyone has what they need.

When they do that, do you think they’re being authentic or vulnerable? Are they telling the truth about what they think, want, or feel?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

How can people know us if we don’t let them know us?

We don’t do this intentionally. I didn’t purposely withhold myself from others in my 20s when I was an active HFC. I just didn’t know how to get off the hamster wheel of being of service, of what I thought was being loving and giving.

In hindsight, a lot of it had to do with wanting control.

Whenever the excuse I don’t want them to think or I don’t want them to feel pops up, you’re on someone else’s side of the street and need to back up.

As HFCs, it’s common to be dialed into what we think other people think and feel. But most of the time, it’s a projection, and this over-investment in others takes us away from healthily relating to ourselves.

Traits of High-Functioning Codependency + Disordered Boundaries

The root of HFCs’ difficulty with boundaries is their outward focus. They put others above themselves to the point where they’re not in touch with their own needs.

If you had asked me at 26 what I needed or wanted, I probably would have said for everyone to be happy. Back then, I didn’t want any problems or conflict. But that’s not the same as knowing what I truly needed.

HFCs are also in the habit of self-sacrificing and minimizing disappointments to avoid making a “big deal” out of things. As a result, they’re less likely to talk true.

Most of us didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled for us. We had no idea what they were because no one taught us! What we did learn was that being nice, agreeable, and helpful were socially sanctioned behaviors.

On the other side of the equation, HFCs may struggle to accept other people’s boundaries because in making sure everyone is happy, they make assumptions about what other people want or need. They don’t see this behavior as disrespectful because they think they’re helping.

But if someone hasn’t asked you for help, or doesn’t want you to help…are you genuinely helping? Or are you just doing what you want to do?

The following behaviors are all HFC traits and examples of disordered boundaries:

Over-givingAlways feeling like you need to fix other people’s problemsAuto-advice givingAuto-accommodating Being overly self-sacrificing and self-abandoning

A note about the last point: Years ago, I remember telling my therapist that I couldn’t believe a friend was asking something of me after all I had done for her. How entitled!

She said, “Is she being entitled, or are you serving yourself up on a silver platter? You’re not saying no or telling the truth about your limits, and yet you’re pissed about her asking. People can and will ask you to do the most ridiculous things. Takers are going to take, and givers are going to give.

“Don’t get caught up in the wrong part of the equation. ‘Why would someone ask me to do this?’ is the wrong question to ask. Who cares? The only question is, if you don’t want to do it, will you assert the truth about how you don’t want to do it?”

Part of getting healthy and being more psychologically and mentally well is knowing what questions are ours to answer. Why someone else is doing something is not one of them. What am I going to do? Is.

The over- and under-functioning dynamic with HFCs also creates disordered boundaries in relationships.

Things get uneven if you constantly say, “I got it, don’t worry, I’ll do it,” and this creates resentment for both people.

The person who doesn’t get to do anything may feel managed (and resentful), or they might love it, causing you to become resentful.

You cannot be a recovering HFC without first being a boundary boss.

A Note on Starting to Set Boundaries

When you begin setting boundaries with people, some folks may react poorly.

That’s okay.

Part of being in recovery as an HFC is realizing that other people’s responses and reactions are their own and are not yours to manage.

It’s never too late to become a boundary boss, no matter where you are on your journey.

If you’re a boundary disaster or just now realizing you’re an HFC, welcome! You’re in the right place. You can always go from where you are to somewhere better, no matter your age.

No judgment. This is all learned behavior, which means you can unlearn it. You just need the desire. I’ll provide (and am providing!) the books, videos, and tools you need.

Anything worth learning takes time and concentrated effort, but I got you.

If you had any epiphanies while reading this, amazing! Please share them in the comments. But there’s more to go, so remember to download the guide, which will have questions to help you gain clarity on your unique relationship to boundaries.

And if you want to continue the conversation, consider joining my membership. We meet four times a month via Zoom for Q&As where I answer your questions, and I’d love to have you.

Keep an eye out for part two coming next week, and as always, take care of you.

716 Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Codependent relationships are built on disordered boundaries. That’s the foundation of any kind of codependent relationship, whether it’s garden variety codependency or high-functioning codependency.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you struggle with setting boundaries because it feels selfish or wrong to put your preferences or needs first? 

Do you inadvertently trample on other people’s boundaries? (Hyper-helping, auto-advice giving, etc.)

Or are you a newly identified high-functioning codependent (HFC) wondering why it’s especially tough to set boundaries?

Then you’re in the right place. In this episode, I am breaking down why it’s challenging to set, stick to, and respect other people’s boundaries, particularly as HFCs.

This is part one, and in part two (coming next week), we’ll cover boundary scripts and the different types of boundaries you might want to consider setting.

Highlights:4:30 Establishing what your personal boundaries are7:20 How being a high-functioning codependent affects your boundaries13:30 Why HFCs also have trouble respecting other people’s boundaries15:00 The importance of staying on your side of the street20:00 You can learn to improve your boundary-setting patternsLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

715 Get Unstuck and Transform Your Life with Michelle Chalfant

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“I can give people boundary scripts all day long, but if we don’t feel worthy of speaking up for ourselves, it just isn’t going to happen.” – Michelle Chalfant

Intro

I’m so happy to have my pal Michelle Chalfant on the show to celebrate her new book, The Adult Chair: Get Unstuck, Claim Your Power, and Transform Your Life!

Michelle has been a therapist and life coach for the last 25 years and this book is the culmination of her work and experience with both her clients and herself. The Adult Chair model is an amazing way to cultivate self-knowledge throughout all phases of development and become more authentically you and who you want to be.

We talked about why self-worth needs to be in place to set healthy boundaries, why triggers are a gift and what we can learn from them, how to shift into empowerment and so much more.

Highlights:3:20 The concept behind The Adult Chair: Who are you today, and how did you get that way?6:50 Michelle’s origin story10:15 How Michelle became fascinated with boundaries11:45 How self-worth is tied to setting healthy boundaries18:30 The lessons we can learn from our triggers30:30 Are things happening to you or for you?31:50 Michelle’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Michelle Chalfant

Michelle Chalfant, MS, LPC, CHC, is a renowned therapist, holistic life coach, and transformational leader dedicated to awakening consciousness and empowering individuals to live their best lives. With a rich background in mental health, spirituality, and personal development, Michelle combines her expertise to offer a comprehensive approach to healing and growth. She passionately believes in the potential for every person tot awaken to their true selves and create a life filled with purpose and joy.

Website: https://theadultchair.com
Podcast (The Michelle Chalfant Show): https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Being Nice to Avoid Conflict Isn’t Nice, It’s Controlling – Here’s Why

Are you a nice person?

Do you think it’s possible to be too nice? Or that wanting to be nice is an excuse some high-functioning codependents hide behind to avoid conflict?

In my personal and professional experience, it is possible to be too nice, and it’s not great for your relationships.

In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be nice, what being too nice looks like, why it matters, and how to shift your behavior to authentic niceness.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Being Nice vs. Too Nice

Let’s start with the difference between being authentically nice and too nice.

For example, an actual act of niceness is agreeing to shovel an elderly neighbor’s walkway and driveway so they don’t have to.

Generally, it’s doing something kind that’s (usually) asked for and needed.

Being too nice is not telling someone the truth about how you feel to avoid upsetting them. While you might think your motivation is to be nice, if you look deeper, you can see that you are not telling them so you can avoid dealing with their upset feelings. This fact puts the behavior squarely in the camp of being more manipulative and controlling than nice.

We need to look at niceness through an honest lens because it’s easy to hide behind I’m just doing it to be nice!

So, what does being too nice look like in relationships?

It often takes the shape of codependency, which is an overt or covert bid, desire, or attempt to control other people.

For example, “taking one for the team” (especially when no one asked) can seem nice, but it can also be an attempt to control a situation with your behavior.

Going along to get along is another example. Is it nice to endlessly defer to someone else or always let your partner choose because you’re ‘easy-breezy?’ Or is it not taking responsibility and not asserting yourself?

Placating or telling people what they want to hear also falls under this category.

You may feel like you need to placate someone you’re afraid of or who is defensive, but placating isn’t nice.

In this situation, it’s manipulative because you’re trying to control the other person’s feelings. If what you want to say might provoke them, you’re staying silent to avoid conflict, not to be nice.

Please note: None of this applies to anyone who is in an abusive situation. Click here for resources to leave an abusive situation safely.

Whenever you say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I don’t want them to feel,” this is a cue to back it up and get on your side of the street. What other people think and feel is not your responsibility. What you think and feel is.

Another “too nice” behavior is making your partner the center of your world.¹

I had a therapy client whose entire marriage was based on what her partner wanted or was interested in. From where they lived to the music they listened to in the car, everything was about him.

After continuously acquiescing to avoid conflict over their 15-year marriage, she’s learning to assert herself, and her husband is noticing, pushing back some, and wondering why now.

In the guide, you’ll find questions to uncover your downloaded ‘niceness’ blueprint and why you might interact with people this way.

Why Are We Compelled to Be Too Nice?

We often come by these “too nice” behaviors honestly and early in life.

Most of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents and taught to be pleasing, considerate, and thoughtful. Our indoctrination into the cult of nice happens without us noticing.

People-pleasing can help us survive childhood, too. It’s a real skill when it comes to avoiding conflict or rejection.

While it’s common to ‘be nice’ to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, satisfying and long-lasting relationships require truth. Constant agreement only lasts for so long.

I genuinely thought these too nice behaviors were nice in my 20s, but as I got healthier, I realized I was using ‘niceness’ to avoid having hard conversations.

Of course, being ‘nice’ didn’t give me the relationships I wanted, and it will likely not give you the relationships you want, either.

By the way, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be nice, just that we need to be honest about whether we’re justifying codependent behavior and calling it “being nice.”

You Don’t Know Where You Stand With Someone Who’s Too Nice

Being overly nice in communicating is often misleading and confusing, almost like you’re delivering bad news with a smile.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, you know how frustrating it can be.

When someone obstructs or masks what they’re saying with ‘niceness,’ I have an immediate, rageful response. (Probably because I was the queen of being roundabout and walking on eggshells when I was younger!)

It’s the equivalent of someone in the South of the US saying, “Oh, bless his heart.” They don’t actually mean it. They mean the person is a hot mess or a moron.

Using indirect communication like this means you don’t have to own what you’re saying, which is why I dislike it.

When we say, “I didn’t want to say anything because I wanted to be nice,” we have to get honest: omitting things or saying yes when you want to say no is not nice. It’s misleading, confusing, and dishonest.

I prefer people being direct and telling me the truth, even if it’s a truth I don’t like. Someone trying to placate me makes me feel managed, which is inauthentic and painful.

How to Just Be Nice

You might wonder, “Okay, this is great, but…can you speak your truth and be nice?”

Yes.

You can also draw appropriate boundaries while being nice.

The first step to changing too nice behavior comes from awareness, and the questions inside the guide will make you more aware of when you’re attempting to manipulate out of fear of conflict rather than genuinely being nice.

There’s no judgment. Just consider whether you use ‘niceness’ in this way and how it leaves you feeling.

A relationship inventory can also be helpful to see where you’re not acting in your best interests.

I’ve included a few questions in the guide to walk you through this, but you might discover you’re frustrated in relationships where you’re being ‘nice’ to avoid having hard conversations.

The reality is we need to have hard conversations to have real relationships. They don’t even have to be hard- the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Start with low-stakes relationships.

In my position, people often ask me to do things I can’t or don’t want to do.

For example, someone might ask me to connect them with a podcast I appeared on. It depends on the person, but most of the time, the answer is either “I don’t know the host well enough to ask them,” or “I don’t know your work well enough to go to the mat for you.”

The more honest you are, the more you’ll start to recognize what’s on your side of the street and what isn’t. Knowing what you’re responsible for makes it easier to be legitimately caring and nice to people rather than being nice as a way to control other people or outcomes. And it feels so much more authentic and freeing!

I hope this episode helped you tune into whether you’re too nice and gave you ideas on how to shift into healthier and authentic relationship dynamics.

Remember to download the guide to discover your downloaded niceness blueprint, and if you enjoyed this conversation, head over to my membership for more discussions like this with me every week.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/articles/202503/are-you-too-nice

714 Being Nice to Avoid Conflict Isn’t Nice, It’s Controlling – Here’s Why

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Shoveling your elderly neighbor’s driveway is nice. Not telling someone the truth about what you feel to avoid them being upset is not nice. That’s more manipulative than nice.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are you a nice person?

Do you think it’s possible to be too nice? Or that wanting to be nice is an excuse some high-functioning codependents hide behind to avoid conflict?

In my personal and professional experience, it is possible to be too nice, and it’s not great for your relationships.

In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be nice, what being too nice looks like, why it matters, and how to shift your behavior to authentic niceness.

Highlights:4:15 Is it possible to be too nice?7:30 Cultivating a healthy balance of mutual investment in a relationship9:50 What is real niceness?16:00 Why honesty is actually niceLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

713 Master the Art of Conversation with Jefferson Fisher

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“The majority of people are hungry for calm energy. The power is not in the zinger from the talking heads on your favorite news channel, or having this quick clapback that’s going to sound cool for a second. The power is in having a calm energy that says, “whatever you say to me does not threaten me.” – Jefferson Fisher

Intro

I’m so psyched to welcome lawyer, author, and communication expert Jefferson Fisher to the show to talk about his book, The Next Conversation.

Many of you likely know Jefferson from social media, and for good reason- he teaches effective communication in an extremely accessible way. It’s why I love his work and invited him to the show.

During our conversation, Jefferson shared the many ways his parents influenced his communication skills and style, the lessons he learned from them, as well as why direct communication is attractive, how to keep calm during tricky conversations, and so much more.

Highlights:3:10 Jefferson’s origin story and the lessons about communication he learned from his father12:15 Why now is the time for Jefferson’s book, The Next Conversation15:40 Cultivating emotional self-regulation and calmness, even in conflict10:25 Why speaking directly is an attractive quality27:10 Identifying the struggles beneath your arguments33:30 The corrosive effect of stonewalling35:00 Jefferson’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Jefferson Fisher

Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, writer, and speaker whose work to help people communicate during life’s everyday arguments and conversations, with his practical videos and authentic presence, has gained millions of followers around the world, including celebrities and global leaders. He is a sought-after speaker on communication at Fortune 500 companies and governmental agencies, and hundreds of thousands of people subscribe to his actionable email newsletter and podcast. Fisher is a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and the founder of Fisher Firm, where he helps people all over the United States connect to trusted legal services. He lives with his wife and two children near Beaumont, Texas.

Website: https://jeffersonfisher.com
Book: https://thenextconversation.com
IG: https://instagram.com/jefferson_fisher

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency: A Recovery Framework for True Freedom

Have you ever been the one holding everything together — for everyone?
The person who’s calm under pressure, endlessly competent, and always there to fix a problem, soothe a feeling, or manage a crisis…
Only to realize that no one ever really checks in with you?

If that sounds familiar, welcome to the world of High-Functioning Codependency (HFC).
You’re not broken. You’re not failing.
But you are stuck in a pattern — and patterns can be changed.

This episode is your guide to understanding HFC, recognizing its costs, and taking your very first steps toward true recovery.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is High-Functioning Codependency?

When most people hear “codependency,” they imagine a messy, visible dynamic — someone losing themselves in a toxic relationship.
But HFC is different.

High-Functioning Codependency often looks like success.

You’re the one managing travel plans, remembering every birthday, soothing tension before it even erupts.

From the outside? You look like you have it all together.
Inside? You’re exhausted, resentful, and starting to lose yourself.

In fact, the more capable you are, the less anyone notices the deep, quiet burnout beneath the surface.

Definition:
HFC is being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, and circumstances of others — at the expense of your own peace, health, and well-being.

You became “the fixer,” “the helper,” “the emotional air traffic controller” because somewhere along the way, you learned that being valuable meant being useful.

The Hidden Costs of Over-Giving
If you’ve been living this way for a while, the toll adds up:

Chronic burnout and adrenal fatigueHealth issues like autoimmune disorders or digestive problemsSuppressed joy and disconnection from your own desiresAnger, resentment, and emotional exhaustionSurface-level relationships instead of true intimacy

And perhaps the most heartbreaking part?

You start to lose touch with your own identity.
Your needs.
Your voice.

Why You Say “Yes” (Even When You Want to Say “No”)

One of the hallmarks of HFC is the “Yes Reflex.”
The automatic agreement, the quick offer to help, the immediate volunteering — even when you’re already stretched too thin.

Here’s why it happens:

Saying “yes” feels safer than risking disappointment.Early conditioning taught you that being agreeable = being lovable.Auto-helping feels like control (and control feels like safety).

But overcommitting leaves you drained and resentful — and reinforces the cycle you’re trying to break.

The First Step to Freedom: Buy Time

Before you can say a conscious yes or no, you need a pause.
Create space between the ask and your answer.

Here are a few simple scripts:

“Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”“I’ve implemented a 24-hour decision-making policy for my sanity — I’ll let you know tomorrow.”“I’ll need some time to think about that. I’ll circle back.”

Buying yourself time is not selfish — it’s responsible.

You can’t honor your yes until you have the freedom to say no.

Communicating Boundaries with Calm and Clarity

Knowing your boundaries isn’t enough.

You have to be able to speak them — clearly, compassionately, and without apology.

Here are some sentence starters to practice:

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not available.”“I’d like to make a simple request that we take turns deciding where to meet for dinner.”“When you interrupt me while I’m talking, it makes me feel unheard. I’d appreciate it if we could both be fully present.”

It might feel uncomfortable at first.
(You might even spontaneously cry, that’s okay.)

But every time you practice, you’re rewiring your nervous system for safety and self-respect.

Regulating Your Nervous System: The Missing Piece

Setting boundaries isn’t just a mental shift — it’s a somatic one.

If you’ve spent your life equating self-prioritization with danger, your body will react when you try to change.

That’s why nervous system regulation is essential to HFC recovery.

Tools to soothe your system:

Deep breathing exercisesMeditation (even just 5 minutes a day)Cold water hand plungesBilateral tapping (crossing hands over the body and breathing deeply)Aromatherapy (lavender, geranium, and other calming scents)

You have to feel safe inside your body before you can show up differently outside.

The Five Pillars of Recovery

Breaking the cycle of High-Functioning Codependency isn’t about hustling harder or “fixing yourself.”
It’s about coming home to yourself.

Here’s the roadmap I guide my students through:

Self-Awareness- Recognizing the automatic patterns driving your behavior.Self-Knowledge -Unearthing the beliefs, experiences, and conditioning that shaped you.Self-Acceptance – Offering yourself compassion instead of criticism.Self-Compassion – Healing the inner wounds that fueled over-functioning.Self-Love and Celebration – Reclaiming your right to rest, joy, boundaries, and wholeness.

You’re not broken.
You’re patterned.
And patterns can be unlearned.

Final Thought: You Are Not Alone

If your heart aches reading this, please hear me:

There is nothing wrong with you.
You learned to survive in a world that asked too much and offered too little.

You don’t have to keep carrying the weight of everyone else’s life.

You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to be loved for who you are — not what you do.

Recovery is possible.

And it starts with one brave step.

Want deeper support?

Check out my brand-new course:
Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency — a 6-week, therapeutically-informed journey to stop over-functioning and finally come home to yourself.
Enroll here and get immediate access to the course.

712 How to Shift Away from Over-Functioning & Reclaim Your Peace (Without Guilt)

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“You confuse being available with being valuable. Do you see that those two things are not the same?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Recently I held an interactive workshop that went too well not to share with you guys. So for today’s episode, I’m uploading a special treat: The full 90-minute workshop recording! In it, I give a rundown on over-functioning archetypes, the costs of high-functioning codependency, and the pillars of boundary mastery– Plus, I answer all your boundary-setting questions. I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed being there with all of you!

Highlights:2:00 A grounding to help us be present during the workshop8:00 What is your over-functioning archetype?12:40 Recognizing high-functioning codependency21:00 The costs of high-functioning codependency25:30 Patterns to unlearn if you are a high functioning codependent38:20 How our childhood lessons can contribute to poor boundaries43:10 Managing anxiety and guilt when you’re setting boundaries45:50 A second grounding exercise for managing boundary-setting anxiety50:00 My pillars of boundary mastery54:00 Answering your questions about boundaries and high-functioning codependencyLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Visit terricole.com/stop if you’re interested in the course I mentioned during the workshop. It’s all about curbing your own high-functioning codependency!

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

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