Healing Father Wounds + Where to Start (For a Less Painful Father’s Day)

Did you know that 1 in 4 children in the US grows up without a father?¹

Or that 80% of single-parent homes are led by mothers?

These statistics may not come as a surprise, but what we don’t talk about are the millions of other kids who may have dads who are physically present but emotionally absent. Dads who are abusive, addicted, sporadic, neglectful, or narcissistic.

As Father’s Day approaches, I wanted to explore how father wounds can impact our relationships, self-worth, and overall success. I’ll share my own experiences, debunk some father wound myths, and offer you ideas on how to heal and celebrate Father’s Day differently.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuPDun_iF2E

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Fatherlessness isn’t always about missing people. Sometimes, it’s about a missing connection.

At least, it was for me with my own father.

He worked a lot and was only home after work and on weekends. But even when he was physically there, he wasn’t emotionally available.

My sisters and I avoided him at all costs. The moment he entered the room, we scattered like cockroaches. Okay, you’re taking over the TV. Bye!

What Does Father’s Day Feel Like With a Father Wound?

For many women, Father’s Day isn’t a celebration. It’s a mirror that reflects absence, abuse, abandonment- whatever it is that didn’t work.

It can also be a trigger for unanswered questions.

Maybe you don’t have a father to call on the day, or maybe, like it was for me while my father was still alive, finding the right card feels impossible.

“You taught me everything, you were there for me, you took me fishing!” Um, nope.

I needed a card that said, “I think it’s a world record that we lived in the same house and only exchanged 50 words by the time I was 13.” (I’m not exaggerating.)

Not every daughter celebrates on Father’s Day. Some are scrolling past heartfelt tributes on social media, feeling awful, while others may feel guilty.

Whenever I see any media with sweetness between a father and daughter, I still get choked up. It’s both touching and painful.

I know many of you will be gritting your teeth through barbecues and brunches on the day, playing the role and silently grieving what you weren’t able to create or didn’t have with your father.

What Is A Father Wound?

Before we go further, let’s get on the same page about what a father wound is.

A father wound is a psychological and emotional injury from growing up with a father (or father figure) who was absent, abusive, controlling, or not emotionally attuned/available to you.

Father wounds don’t just apply to biological fathers. They apply to any father figure you had growing up. You can have a father wound even if you never knew your father.

Having a father wound affects you at all stages of life. It certainly did for me.

But a father’s inability to see your worth does not define your worth. You do.

The Impact of Father Wounds

Fatherless daughters often develop hyper-independence as a survival strategy. This behavior can sabotage intimacy later in life because relationships need mutuality to thrive.

It took me years to let anyone in, especially a man. I didn’t feel like I could or should count on a man, thanks to my mother telling me early on to make my own money and get an education so that love could be a choice and not a need.

A lack of paternal affirmation may cause us to seek external validation in unhealthy ways, leading to unsatisfying dating patterns, perfectionism, overachievement, or people pleasing.

(It’s no surprise that father wounds are particularly common for women who identify as high-functioning codependents!)

When we have a father wound, there’s also this internal glass ceiling because we feel like we have to do things alone. “It has to be me” is one of our affirmations.

We might not trust people to do things or do them right, which blocks our ability to collaborate.

It can also block us from career growth or earning more. When you believe only you can do something, you’re limited in what you can get done. Massively successful folks have mastered the art of delegation and collaboration because they’re key to success.

If you had an absent father in any way, you likely made up stories about their absence to make it less painful.

My story was that my father wanted a son, and being his fourth daughter was a disappointment.

Telling myself the story of being the wrong gender made his rejection and neglect less personal and painful, even though when I was older, my mom told me she wasn’t sure he would have been any more engaged with a son.

Having a father wound also leads to grief during milestone experiences like getting married, having kids, or career wins- moments when a father’s presence is supposed to matter most.

We feel that lack, but when we integrate the father wound (and you can), it dulls the pain.

Father Wound Myths

There’s a lot in the zeitgeist about forgiveness or getting over it because “he did his best.”

I call BS on that. Doing your best is not a hall pass for neglect, abandonment, or any kind of abuse.

Additionally, as a therapist, I know we can create our own closure. We don’t need contact or reconciliation. So if you’ve gone no contact or your father is deceased, you can still heal.

I’m not necessarily into forgiveness. What I am into is releasing yourself from resentment prison and liberating yourself from the ties that bind you.

The one thing I am certain about with forgiveness is that it’s for the forgiver.

I also don’t think “time heals all wounds.” Healing requires intentional work, tending to your injuries, and integrating your experience.

Wounds don’t just go away with time. Hoping they will disappear just leads to carrying around invisible grief.

Take achievement, for example. Absent paternal validation, achievement can become a protective mechanism or armor by which we ‘prove’ our worth.

Healing the Father Wound

If you also had a disappointing father experience, I see you, and I’ve got you.

As a culture, I think we need to shift the Father’s Day narrative to include healing and normalize the conversation around absent, toxic, or emotionally unavailable fathers. Not every story is a Hallmark card, as we know.

One of the ways you can begin to heal a father wound is to make space for father figures in your life, like mentors, uncles, or mothers who played both roles. Reflect on who has stepped up for you in your life and send them a letter of gratitude.

We can also practice intentional healing rituals, such as writing unsent letters to our fathers or father figures, to express what was never said.

It can be powerful to give voice to things you never had a chance to talk about. Reflect on all the peak disappointing experiences and share your feelings about what you wish had happened instead.

After writing the letter, have an emotionally trustworthy friend or therapist witness you reading it, and then burn it somewhere safe (not in your house!).

While you burn it, feel the feelings of releasing the resentment and anger, knowing you’re the one who benefits.

You can also use mirror work to affirm your self-worth. I like to write love letters to myself on my bedroom and bathroom mirrors in dry-erase marker.

If I feel a certain way about my body, I’ll write, “I love your shape.” If I feel less than around something, I’ll write, “You’re enough. You’ve always been enough. I love you.”

These sweet reminders help us actively reparent ourselves and become the good father to ourselves that we never had.

It also helps us remember how sacred, worthy, and lovable we are. We get to decide. We’re not kids anymore.

Trust me when I say you were born worthy simply by virtue of being alive.

You wouldn’t expect a baby to make you dinner to be worthy of your love and adoration, right? You are that baby. You don’t have to do anything to be worthy. You already are.

You can also set boundaries around your emotional expectations on Father’s Day. Maybe you skip a gathering, ignore social media, or temporarily silence your phone and avoid group text threads.

Download the guide, as it offers five ways for you to honor Father’s Day on your terms, which I hope you find soothing and healing.

By the way, one of the biggest fallouts from having a father wound is having disordered boundaries. You probably weren’t even sure you were allowed to have good boundaries, and didn’t learn how to set them.

If you want help establishing healthy boundaries, becoming a better communicator, and cultivating more self-worth and self-esteem, I invite you to join Boundary Boss Bootcamp! I’ve been teaching it since 2015 and update it every year to make it even more effective and transformative. Get all the details and join here.

Let me know if you try any of the ideas inside the guide to honor any pain you might feel on Father’s Day, and I hope this episode soothes your soul. As always, take care of you.

¹https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statistic