Heal After Conflict (Step-by-Step Repair Kit Inside!)

Every close relationship hits turbulence at some point. Conflict is inevitable. 

That’s why the real magic of secure, emotionally mature relationships isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about having the tools to come back together and repair.

Repair requires us to be proactive because the work needs to begin long before it is actually needed. You can’t build a bridge in the middle of a storm (aka, a conflict).

Having the ability to repair after disconnection or disagreements is everything. In this episode, I’m teaching you how to create a repair kit so you can prepare to handle conflict much more productively. 

https://youtu.be/q1lUsV0Xu_Y

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

It’s Never Too Late to Learn How to Repair

Most of us didn’t have repair modeled for us in our family of origin.

I had to learn how to repair from scratch because my family system was completely avoidant. If something happened the night before, the next morning, my mother would act like nothing happened and simply ask how I wanted my eggs. 

The message was clear: “We’re not talking about this.” 

Even if the concept of repair feels out of reach, it’s not too late to learn. The first step is creating a repair kit with your loved ones to deepen your understanding of each other. 

Have a Repair Kit Date

Most of the time, the disconnection during conflict is that both sides feel unsafe. 

Learning what exacerbates conflict and what wounds you both have is essential to knowing how to restore a sense of safety. 

What you need and what someone else needs are different. Knowing our people and talking about what activates us and makes us feel vulnerable is how we learn about each other. 

This is the work that goes into creating a repair kit. Having it ready before you need it will put you in a position to manage ruptures much more productively. 

When you’re ready to start, schedule a “repair kit date night” with whomever you want to improve your repair skills. Make sure you both feel calm and connected.

Start by asking, “What is your emotional shutdown style when you feel threatened? Is it fight, flight, freeze, or fawn?”

Even if you think you know the other person’s answer, it’s still important to discuss. 

Next, ask, “What makes you feel emotionally safe after conflict?”

Years ago, Vic and I agreed that only one of us could be losing our shit about something. The other person’s job is to stay calm, not make it worse. 

Everyone has their agreements, but they’re often unspoken. It can be powerful to have explicit conversations around this. 

You might not yet know what makes you feel emotionally safe after conflict. That’s okay. The questions in the guide (download it here) are designed to help you figure it out. 

The next question is, “What is your repair language? Touch? Words? Time? Space?” 

Vic and I are touch-oriented. No matter how mad I am about something, if he reaches over to grab my hand or if I put my hand on his leg, it instantly helps me remember that he’s always my person. 

Another question to ask is, “What makes conflict worse and repair harder? What should I not do when you’re spiraling?” For example, saying, “Calm down!” doesn’t work for me. (and most people!)

Finally, in the ‘blueprint’ section of the guide, you’ll think about what conflict and repair looked like in your family system growing up. 

This can help you figure out why you relate to it the way you do. Sharing your downloaded blueprint reflections with each other can create a deeper understanding of where you’re coming from during conflict. 

Working With Emotional Triggers During Conflict

“What if someone gets defensive and shuts down or won’t talk during conflict?”

This is one of the most common questions I get, and highlights the importance of knowing your partner’s wounds ahead of time. Your intentions may be neutral, but the impact of your actions or words on your partner could be devastating. 

Let’s say someone has an abandonment trigger and in the middle of a heated argument, you leave because you feel overwhelmed and need to cool down. You’re not purposely trying to punish them; you just need fresh air. 

But your partner doesn’t experience you leaving as neutral. Your leaving might confirm their deepest fears. Their nervous system may go into full alert: I’m being abandoned. I’m alone again.

This is why doing the repair kit ahead of time is helpful. You wouldn’t suddenly leave if you knew it would activate them, right?

If you’re not sure what your emotional triggers are, here are some common “after conflict” behaviors that often make repair harder: 

Going silent for hours, especially if your partner has a rejection wound.Sarcasm or logic. Saying, “That doesn’t make sense!” when someone needs understanding or softness. If your partner has a shame wound, they may feel humiliated and shut down or lash out. Sweeping things under the rug and saying, “I’m fine.” For someone who needs verbal repair or emotional closure, avoidance is a rupture unto itself because it’s like saying, “It’s not a big deal, I don’t want to talk about it.”How to Repair, Step-by-Step

Once the dust settles, how do you actually go about repairing?

First, you both need to be emotionally regulated. You can’t repair if you’re still activated. I list a few quick self-regulation techniques in the guide, which you can grab here.

The next step is for both sides to acknowledge the impact of their actions. Own your parts clearly, gently, and completely. No, “But you also…” or, “and then you…” or, “My intention was…” Just ownership.

Then make a bid for connection. This could be a question, touch, or word. “Can I hold your hand?” can be more healing than a 15-paragraph speech. 

Finally, leave space for you both to share what you need to feel complete with the repair, and move toward that. 

While repair requires emotional maturity, it doesn’t require perfection. 

You don’t need to have a flawless relationship to repair. You just need a flexible and resilient one. 

Adding Deposits to the Well of Goodwill

Speaking of resiliency, let’s talk about the concept of adding deposits to the well of goodwill in our relationships. 

You can add deposits by being kind and polite, and just by thinking about the other person. 

I always think about Vic, and he always thinks about me. “I’m at the store, do you need anything?” The other person is always top of mind. 

Repair is another way to add deposits to this well. When you repair, you deepen your knowledge of how to love someone well. 

Understanding their injuries and what it might mean to them if we act a certain way allows us to avoid doing the very thing that would upset them further.

Rupture doesn’t have to mean ruin. Mistakes don’t have to mean that love disappears. 

Learning to repair after rupture enables us to say, “Wow, that hurt, but I still want this relationship. We still matter.” 

This is what real love looks like and how intimacy deepens. This is what healthy, sustainable, and secure connections look like. 

If you want more of this in your life, schedule your repair kit date. Download the guide for all the questions you need to ask, and be prepared to listen and take notes.

The date doesn’t need to last hours. Even 15 minutes can transform the trajectory of how you fight and repair. 

Disconnection is optional. Repair is everything. You just need to make time to do it well.

I hope this episode added value to your life and the quality of your relationships. 

Have the most amazing week repairing any ruptures you might experience, and as always, take care of you. 

P.S. If you enjoy talking about codependency, boundaries, or relationships and want a safe place to grow and be witnessed, join my community! We meet four times a month for Q&As where you’ll have the chance to be coached by me on any situation you’re navigating. It’s a place to take your learning one step deeper, and I’d love to have you.