Terri Cole's Blog, page 12
April 22, 2025
709 How Manipulators + Narcissists Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Control You
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Intro“Just let people reveal – Because they will reveal themselves in time. Let what you know about people be based in the reality of what they show you.” – Terri Cole
How manipulatable are you?
When someone is using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control you, do you recognize it, or not?
If not, or you’ve never heard of FOG, you’re in the right place. This episode is all about the FOG technique, commonly used by narcissists and others to manipulate people to do what they want at all costs. I’m breaking down what it is and sharing real-life examples from my therapy practice to help you become less susceptible.
Note: the purpose of this episode is to educate you on how people will try to manipulate you, not to make diagnoses. People using one of these tactics in isolation (like guilt) does not automatically make them narcissists.
Highlights:4:30 What does it feel like for you to feel like you’re tolerating something?7:50 How putting up with things depletes our energy10:20 Tricks to de-clutter and stop holding on to things you don’t want12:00 How self-numbing and addiction can come from tolerating things16:00 Facing your fears to stop tolerating things that don’t serve youLinks Mentioned:Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.
Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm
Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?
April 17, 2025
708 Curb Your People Pleasing with Amy Wilson
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Intro“As any person with a long list will tell you, the more efficiently you move through your list, the more stuff there will be on your list.” – Amy Wilson
I am so excited to have podcaster, actor, and author Amy Wilson on the show to talk about her newest book, Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser. I felt seen by Amy’s essays and reflections, and I think you will, too.
We talked about so much– Amy’s early introduction to putting others first by caring for her younger siblings, why modern productivity advice often just makes us feel bad, Amy’s views on perfectionism, saying no and feeling scared, the freedom in saying “it’s not for me,” and the importance of being present. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Highlights:2:30 Amy’s origin story5:00 How Amy was conditioned to help others before herself7:40 The differences (or lack thereof!) between women and men when it comes to multitasking9:50 Amy’s experience meeting fans of her podcast in real life11:45 Letting perfectionism define the self16:00 Over-functioning in a family system17:20 How Amy learned to curb her overfunctioning 27:10 Reframing productivity31:45 Amy’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Amy WilsonAmy Wilson is the author of the memoir When Did I Get Like This? and her latest book, Happy to Help. Since 2016 she has been the co-host of the Webby-honored podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood.
Amy is also an actor who appeared on Broadway and as a series regular on TV sitcoms. She lives with her family in New York City.
Website: https://amywilson.com
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?
April 15, 2025
What Are You Tolerating? How to Identify What’s Draining You
Have you ever wondered why you feel so drained? Have you ever considered that it might be connected to what you’re tolerating?
Whether it’s a cluttered office space, a messy car, a side table overflowing with paperwork, or something bigger like a one-sided relationship or ineffective communication with your partner, what you’re putting up with could be exhausting you more than you think.
So…what are you consistently putting up with that gets on your nerves or depletes you?
In this episode, we’re looking at what we’re tolerating in life because we’re not always aware of the things we put up with that make us low-grade aggravated and drained.
I hope you’ll leave with more awareness around what you’re putting up with and feel inspired to stop settling and make changes for a more fulfilling life.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
We Learn to Tolerate Early OnYou’re probably tolerating more than you know.
Those of us raised as women, and especially those of us who identify as high-functioning codependents, learned how to tolerate a lot growing up.
We tend to accept, put up with, and be weighed down by others’ behavior – their bad boundaries, entitlement, unmet needs, incompleteness, problems, and frustrations.
Even if you make tolerating look easy-breezy (which high-functioning codependents do!), eventually, it takes a toll on you.
We often tolerate our own bad behavior, too, like unhealthy habits we say we’ll change, limiting beliefs, or remaining in not-so-great situations and settling for less.
What Are You Tolerating?Think about what you’re currently tolerating in life, big or small, recurring or new.
Some small examples include:
A cluttered closetA messy roomA harsh lightA leaky faucet or running toiletYou might make note of these things every time you come across them, too. Ugh, this light is too bright. My desk is such a mess. I need to clean my car…and yet, you don’t take action.
No judgment. I’m guilty of it, too! But it’s tiring, right?
Bigger things we might be tolerating are:
A crappy relationshipA low-paying or dead-end jobBad boundaries from other peopleA boundary bully or narcissistA one-sided friendshipIneffective communication with your partner or familyThink about all areas of your life…what are you putting up with?
For help, download the guide for a step-by-step process to go through each area of your life and identify what you’re tolerating.
We Lose Energy When We Put Up With StuffWhen my office is messy, it’s depleting.
While I do my best to keep it well-kept, interviewing authors on my podcast results in piles of books everywhere.
Every time I see these piles (we’re talking hundreds of times), I think, I need to figure out what to do with them!
These book piles serve as a constant reminder that I need to clean and make me feel noticeably drained. When I eventually organize things, the difference is clear. I walk into my office and say, I love this room and how open and airy it feels!
That’s all the evidence I need to know I’m profoundly affected by what I’m tolerating in my space. (If you’re highly sensitive, you might be, too!)
And yet, even after almost 30 years as a therapist, I still don’t clean up the second I’m aware of the clutter. Trust me, there’s no judgment here. This is just part of the human condition.
Do You Need to Let Go of Things?Speaking of clutter, how many near-empty bottles of lotion, shower gel, or perfume are lying around your place?
Just get rid of them.
Do your best not to be wasteful, but if you haven’t touched them in months, chuck them. (In the case of shower gel, put water in there to finish it!)
Use Marie Kondo’s method and ask yourself what in your space sparks joy. Put anything that doesn’t spark joy in a giveaway or “get rid of” pile.
I know it can be hard to part with things. I can’t stand the thought of something good going into a landfill, so I’ll donate it to Goodwill. It makes me feel better knowing it’ll go to someone who will use it.
Do you tend to hold onto things or feel guilty about decluttering? Download the guide for a few journal prompts to explore why.
We all have our psychological reasons for holding onto things, and we also have reasons for why we continue to tolerate stuff. Let’s look at a few examples.
Why Do We Put Up With Crap?During the pandemic, many of my therapy clients got into self-numbing behaviors. One in particular wanted to stop drinking so much alcohol and committed to only drinking on the weekends.
When three weeks went by with her continuing to drink almost daily, I knew we needed to uncover the secondary gain, the unobvious benefit my client was getting from doing something that wasn’t great for her.
When I asked her, “What do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by drinking every night?” she immediately responded, “That my marriage is over.”
Another client of mine was continuing to have sex with her ex even though it made her feel bad. When I asked why, she said, “At least I know them.”
Again, I used the secondary gain question: what do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by continuing to have sex with your ex?
She replied, “I don’t have to be vulnerable with new people or get out of my comfort zone.”
She found putting herself out there scarier than staying in the familiar, even though she knew it wasn’t what she wanted.
In both of these examples, my clients were tolerating their unwanted behavior out of fear.
Secondary gain can be sneaky, so I’ve included this question in the guide, which you can download here.
Instead of Settling, Do ThisThe first step to change is identifying what you’re putting up with in your life, because it makes you acknowledge the truth.
The second step is facing the fears you might have around making changes.
It’s okay to be afraid! Fear doesn’t have to stop you from making changes, but you can’t stay in denial. Focus on the strategic moves you can make to prepare.
For example, let’s say you want to make a career move, but you’re afraid of the financial consequences. Begin saving money with the specific intention of using it to bridge the gap between leaving your current job and starting a new one.
I also invite you to challenge the smallness of your dreams.
Many years ago, I attended a small group event with Deepak Chopra, and he asked a question that changed the trajectory of my life: “If money, time, and failure were no object, what would you spend your time doing?”
I realized I didn’t want to continue being a talent agent, but I was afraid to switch jobs. I had spent 10 years building a prestigious, lucrative career. I was scared of not being masterful and making less money.
Yet, the answer to what lights me up? was helping people, not negotiating contracts for models as a talent agent.
After this realization, I went back to school to become a psychotherapist, graduated from NYU, and opened a successful private practice, but I had to overcome my limiting beliefs first.
It didn’t stop there, either. In the last 10 years I’ve written three books, published over 700 podcast episodes, been a guest on hundreds of podcasts, built life-changing courses, cultivated a sacred container of growth within my mastermind, and created a membership full of beautiful, like-hearted women (which I’d love for you to join- details here!).
All because my dharma is helping others and making mental health more accessible, and because I didn’t let fear hold me back.
I hope this episode inspires you to stop putting up with whatever you’re tolerating and to dream big. Let me know if it did by leaving a comment, tagging me in your Instagram stories (@terricole), or dropping a note wherever you listen to the pod.
Remember, download the guide for prompts to explore and identify what you’re tolerating so you can make the changes you need to feel freer and lighter.
Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.
April 14, 2025
707 What Are You Tolerating? How to Identify What’s Draining You
Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.
Intro“What we’re putting up with is exhausting us. It’s depleting our energy.” – Terri Cole
Have you ever wondered whether you feel drained because of what you’re tolerating in life?
Whether it’s a cluttered office space, messy car, side table overflowing with paperwork, or something bigger like a one-sided relationship or ineffective communication with your partner, what you’re putting up with could be exhausting you more than you think.
So…what are you consistently putting up with that gets on your nerves or depletes you?
In this episode, we’re looking at what we’re tolerating in life– because we’re not always aware of the things we put up with that make us low-grade aggravated and drained.
I hope you’ll leave with more awareness around what you’re putting up with and feel inspired to stop settling and make changes for a more fulfilling life.
Highlights:4:30 What does it feel like for you to feel like you’re tolerating something?7:50 How putting up with things depletes our energy10:20 Tricks to de-clutter and stop holding on to things you don’t want12:00 How self-numbing and addiction can come from tolerating things16:00 Facing your fears to stop tolerating things that don’t serve youLinks Mentioned:Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.
Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm
Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?
April 10, 2025
706 Master Your Money with Kate Northrup
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Intro“Once we have our basic needs met, more money doesn’t solve our money stress. Because money stress is actually happening inside of us, not in our external reality. It’s the meaning we make of money that causes the stress.” – Kate Northrup
Today I’m so excited to have my friend, money expert Kate Northrup, on the show again. We chat about the relatively new relationship that women have with money, common blocks women have around money, and how you can improve your relationship with your finances. Plus: How creating a feeling of safety in your body can help you make smarter money choices!
To sign up for Kate’s free three-day money workshop we mentioned in today’s episode, visit terricole.com/money
Highlights:3:40 Kate’s origin story around abundance and finances8:00 Why women have a unique relationship with money9:25 The blocks women often have around money15:40 How to improve your relationship with money– Safety first!Connect with Kate NorthrupKate Northrup uses a neuroscience-based method to help people heal their relationships with money. She’s the author of the bestsellers Money: A Love Story and Do Less, and the host of the top-ranking podcast Plenty. Her work has been featured by The NYTimes, Oprah Daily, The Today Show, Glamour, Harvard Business Review, and more. She lives with her husband/business partner and daughters in Miami.
Website: https://katenorthrup.com
IG: https://instagram.com/katenorthrup
Free three-day money workshop: https://terricole.com/money
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?
April 8, 2025
Reignite Your Curiosity For A More Satisfying Life – Here’s How
How curious are you?
Are you as curious as you used to be in your 20s when you were having new experiences more often?
Or have you become complacent with curiosity or too busy to cultivate it?
It recently struck me how important curiosity is to me. My husband, Vic, is the most curious person I know, and my friends are often original thinkers who enjoy questioning conventional wisdom, which I love.
Stoking curiosity also makes life more juicy and satisfying, which is why this episode is all about the different ways in which we can curate more of it.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
What Is A Sapiophile?At a conference about erotic intelligence, I was telling my pal Dr. Alexandra Solomon how one of the most attractive things about Vic is his curious mind.
She commented that I was a sapiophile, which is someone who is attracted to people who are curious and creative.
Sapio-sexuality is a term used to describe people who are sexually attracted to intelligence, too.
I think I’m both! What about you?
Alexandra’s comment got me thinking about curiosity and why I value it. So, let’s break it down.
Curiosity Can Fluctuate With AgeWhen was the last time you experienced something new?
As teens and young adults, nearly everything is new. We experience many ‘firsts’ that naturally keep us curious.
But as we age, it’s easy to become habitual and stay in what’s familiar. (For example, having a favorite spot at your exercise class or constantly going to the same place for Taco Tuesdays.)
It’s human to like the familiar, so we have to work a little harder to stoke the curious part of our nature.
Since curiosity can serve as the fuel to do new things, it’s essential to cultivate it intentionally, even for those of us who are naturally curious!
I don’t know about you, but I want to keep life interesting, and curiosity is integral to that.
When you become more curious, you approach things with a desire to see them from a different perspective. You consciously seek to learn new things by exploring, meeting new people, and having a genuine interest in them. More possibilities open up, making life feel more adventurous.
Cultivating Curiosity as a High-Functioning CodependentI wrote about this in Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, but when you’re a high-functioning codependent, you’re often a bit of a know-it-all. (I’m not judging- I’m in recovery myself!)
We’re less curious and more into telling people what we think they should do. “I have a great idea for you!”
Flexing your curiosity muscle in a conversation helps you become an active listener rather than someone looking for an opening to jump in and tell their story or offer a solution.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to relate to the other person. It’s in our nature. But asking questions first and creating space for them to answer helps deepen the intimacy in our relationships.
As high-functioning codependents, we can also stoke curiosity by challenging our assumptions.
I say this as the queen of assuming, and it has been amazing to see how much things change when I question my assumptions.
We all tend toward confirmation bias, where we see things as we think they already are. But it’s more interesting to challenge our assumptions. Maybe we’re wrong about something or someone, and learn something new.
Consider that things might be different than you think.
It helps to self-reflect, too. Get radically curious about why you respond the way you do in certain situations and why you have certain thoughts.
Be Mindful of What You ConsumeIs what you’re watching, reading, or listening to making you more curious? Are you learning something new? Or is it harming your nervous system?
A great way to stoke curiosity is to get interested in how things are created.
Vic and I recently watched Shōgun, which was fantastic. Wanting to know how it was made, how authentic it was, and how it was received in Japan, we watched all the “making of” and behind-the-scenes videos we could find.
Similar to watching behind-the-scenes, you could also go down a research rabbit hole if what you’re consuming is historical or based on a true story.
After listening to Sharon McMahon’s book, The Small and the Mighty, about 12 lesser-known people who made a big difference in the 1800s suffrage movement and beyond, I did a deep dive into everyone mentioned.
If you haven’t read, watched, or listened to anything lately and you’re unsure what interests you, download the guide for this episode. Your life is a roadmap of what interests you and the questions in the guide will help you decode it.
Listen Actively + With Less Judgment.Part of being curious is being a good listener, or what I call an athletic listener, where you are actively paying attention to what someone else is saying without judgment.
Many of us get so attached to our judgments and opinions that they become part of our identity when they really aren’t.
This is called yum-yucking (which I talked about in Too Much), and it sounds like, “I don’t know why someone would wear that with that. It doesn’t match.” “Did you see the new house they bought? It’s not my style.” “I just don’t like that.”
Yum-yucking functions like a defense mechanism, often making us feel secure in an incredibly uncertain world due to its black-and-white nature.
But as my mentor and soul brother davidji would say, the only thing we can count on is that everything will change.
Change Your PerspectiveLearning to see things from another perspective and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can also spark curiosity.
I learned a great exercise at The Chopra Center years ago. They made us think about a conflict we had with someone where we were absolutely sure we were in the right, and they were in the wrong. Someone interviews you (as if they were a journalist) and asks you what happened.
Then you have to imagine the other person getting interviewed, which makes you think about how they experienced the incident.
I focused on a conflict I had with my closest sister, and this exercise allowed me to see how the issue wasn’t as cut and dry as me being the victim and her being a jerk.
I hope this inspired you to curate more curiosity in your life, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment, tag me in your stories on Instagram (@terricole), or drop a note wherever you listen to the pod.
Remember to download the guide for all my ideas on how to curate curiosity and figure out what interests you!
Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.
P.S. Want to be in a community of like-minded, curious seekers? Check out my membership, where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month and answer your questions. Get all the details here.
705 Reignite Your Curiosity For A More Satisfying Life – Here’s How!
Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.
Intro“What if we could try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes? Why do they believe what they believe?” – Terri Cole
How curious are you?
Are you as curious as you used to be in your 20s when you were having new experiences more often?
Or have you become complacent with curiosity or too busy to cultivate it?
It recently struck me how important curiosity is to me. My husband, Vic, is the most curious person I know, and my friends are often original thinkers who enjoy questioning conventional wisdom, which I love.
Stoking curiosity also makes life more juicy and satisfying, which is why this episode is all about the different ways in which we can curate more of it.
Highlights:5:00 How curiosity usually changes as we age8:10 What it means to be truly curious in a conversation11:00 Do a deep dive into a topic that interests you12:45 Listen athletically and avoid judgement15:15 Seek out lots of information and embrace the unknownLinks Mentioned:Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.
Here’s the book I mentioned in today’s episode by Sharon McMahon: The Small and the Mighty
Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm
Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?
April 3, 2025
704 Conscious Love with Gay Hendricks
Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.
Intro“To me that’s conscious loving at its best: To be completely in union in a way that allows you not only to feel the other person’s presence, but to feel your own presence at the same time. ” – Gay Hendricks
I am SO excited to welcome bestselling author and counseling psychologist, Gay Hendricks, to the show to talk about themes from two of his books, The Big Leap and Conscious Loving.
Gay has been a huge inspiration for me personally and professionally, and he makes psychological concepts easy to understand.
We talk about upper limit problems (self-sabotage) first, and then move into how to create epic relationships. Throughout the conversation, Gay shares invaluable wisdom from his own life. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
Highlights:03:20 The Big Leap and the upper limit problem18:00 How negativity shapes us in early childhood22:20 Conscious loving– What makes epic and healthy relationships?30:30 The steps in turning codependent relationships into conscious relationships40:25 Normalizing true apology and radical responsibility for our own behaviors48:10 Gay’s favorite relationship practiceConnect with Gay HendricksGay Hendricks has served for more than 30 years as one of the major contributors to the fields of relationship transformation and bodymind therapies. Along with his wife, Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, Gay is the author of many bestsellers, including Conscious Loving, At The Speed Of Life, The Big Leap, the New York Times bestseller, Five Wishes, and the recently released Your Big Leap Year.
Dr. Hendricks received his Ph.D. in counseling psychology from Stanford in 1974. After a twenty-one-year career as a professor at University Colorado, he founded The Hendricks Institute, and later co-founded its charitable organization, Foundation for Conscious Living.
Throughout his career he has done executive coaching with more than 800 executives, including the top management at such firms as Dell Computer, Hewlett Packard, Motorola and KLM. His book, The Corporate Mystic, is used widely to train management in combining business skills and personal development tools.
In recent years he has co-created a popular podcast called The Big Leap with Gay Hendricks and Mike Koenigs. He has appeared on more than 500 radio and television shows, including OPRAH, CNN, CNBC, 48 HOURS and others.
Website: https://hendricks.com
Conscious Living Foundation: https://foundationforconsciousliving.org
I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?
TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.
JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!
SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?
April 1, 2025
The Difference Between Being A Victim + Having a Victim Mentality
Do you get offended if a date doesn’t immediately get back to you?
How about when you ask a friend to call you later and they don’t?
When you pass a stranger on the street and they glance at you, looking annoyed, do you assume their annoyance is directed at you?
Or do you cut others slack in these situations, rather than take it personally?
In this episode, I’m sharing what the research says are the four dimensions of the tendency for interpersonal victimhood, breaking down the difference between having a victim mentality and being a victim, and giving you ideas on how you can shift from a victim mindset into a growth mindset.
Prefer the audio? Listen here.
What Is the Victim Mentality?A social scientist, Rahav Gabay, and her colleagues define the tendency for interpersonal victimhood as “an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. As a result, victimization becomes a central part of the individual’s identity.”¹
Those with a victimhood mindset tend to have an external locus of control, where they believe that what happens in life is either luck or fate. This language creates a lack of responsibility and leads to feeling unempowered in life.
When we have an external locus of control, it may feel like life happens to us, like we’re a tiny boat and our life is a massive tsunami throwing us around the ocean.
But when we become healthier through the process of self-reflection, we can develop an internal locus of control and realize we have the power to be the tsunami or the GPS that directs the tiny boat (our life).
It makes sense that taking everything personally makes it more likely you may be in a victim mentality state.
Using the examples above, it’s possible that your friend had a long day at work and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion upon coming home.
Maybe your date wasn’t trying to make you feel bad by not getting back to you, but got caught up in something urgent.
Perhaps the stranger on the street just received bad news, was lost in thought, and happened to look your way.
These situations are an unavoidable part of living in society and need to be negotiated and managed. Those who can’t manage them typically fall into the camp of feeling like perpetual victims.
Four Key Characteristics of a Victim MindsetThe research Gabay and her colleagues did found that the tendency for interpersonal victimhood centered around four main areas:
Constantly seeking recognition for one’s victimhood: they had a perpetual need to have others acknowledge their suffering.Moral elitism: a defense mechanism that allows them to hold onto a positive self-image and be perceived as the one who was wronged and morally superior to others (which also involves projecting their shadow onto others).Lack of empathy for the pain and suffering of others: self-obsessed with their own suffering, they were oblivious to others’ suffering, and felt more entitled.Frequently ruminating about past victimization: this is best illustrated with an example: years ago at a wedding, I sat next to a woman I didn’t know, and after she introduced herself, she told me all about her divorce that happened 18 years ago. She felt so identified with being wronged that it was the first thing she said to me.It’s important to note that the research Gabay and her colleagues did does not equate experiencing trauma and actual victimization.
In other words, you could have a victim mentality without experiencing trauma or victimization, and the opposite is true, too. Experiencing severe trauma or victimization doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll develop a victim mentality.
All of this information, plus extra resources on the victim mentality, can be found in the guide, which you can grab right here.
Trauma vs. Having a Victim MentalityI experienced the need to seek recognition for my victimhood when I had cancer in my early 30s.
I was required to have the same surgery twice, less than six months apart, along with the same radiation treatment. I was so traumatized by the mishandling of the situation that I couldn’t stop seeking recognition for my victimhood.
During this time, I randomly bumped into someone I hadn’t seen in three years, and as soon as they asked me how I was, I launched into the entire story, gory details and all.
To a degree, this was a normal response to trauma, but it took me two years to work through it in therapy.
There’s also nothing wrong with recognizing your victimhood when you’ve been victimized. It becomes more of a problem when you can’t let it go (like the woman at the wedding).
Shifting From a Victim Mindset to a Growth MindsetHere are a few ways you can begin shifting out of a victim mindset to a growth mindset.
First, look at the content you’re consuming on social media. Is there an emphasis on victimhood identity in the posts you see? It’s possible we learn to identify as victims through this content.
Nuance gets lost when people try to fit complex psychological concepts into 30-second TikTok sound bites. So much gets categorized as trauma, but if everything we experience is trauma, then nothing is trauma, and being victimized (for real) loses its power.
Second, our trauma doesn’t have to define us. There’s a whole school of thought about this called post-traumatic growth, which I’ve written about here. These principles can help us turn traumatic experiences into growth experiences without bypassing or hyper-positivity.
As my pal Kris Carr says, I don’t call my traumatic experiences ‘gifts’ because I wouldn’t give them to you, but I learned a lot from them and they were life-changing.
There are benefits of moving through victimization, learning from it, honoring it, and integrating it into the beautiful, unique tapestry of our lives. It’s not about shoving it down or denying it, but it’s also not about continuing it.
Third, it can also help to look at the past, because if you are a part of a culture that has been victimized for centuries, that oppression influences collective and solo identity.
If you’re interested in learning more, I invite you to read Rise Above: Overcome A Victim Mindset, Empower Yourself, and Realize Your Full Potential by Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD, as much of this article was inspired by his work.
Again, being victimized or having a traumatic experience is not the same as having a victimhood mentality. They’re different things. Being victimized can create a victimhood mentality, but not always, and you can also have a victimhood mentality without experiencing trauma.
All of this information and the resources mentioned are in the guide, which you can get here.
What are your thoughts about the victimhood mentality? Do you know anyone like this (or do you have these tendencies)? Are the differences between being victimized and having a victim mentality clear to you? Leave a comment, tag me in your stories on Instagram (@terricole), or drop a note wherever you listen to the pod.
Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.
P.S. If you love these cozy conversations, I think you’d love The Terri Cole Membership, where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom every month. Check it out at terricole.com/tcm.
703 The Difference Between Being A Victim + Having a Victim Mentality
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Intro“When we become empowered through the therapeutic process, we can stop from feeling like we’re teeny boats and our life is a massive tsunami that’s throwing us around. As we get healthier, we realize we have the power to be the tsunami, the weather, the storm, the energy that directs our own lives– and our lives can be the little boats.” – Terri Cole
Do you get offended if a date doesn’t immediately get back to you?
How about when you ask a friend to call you later and they don’t?
When you pass a stranger on the street and they glance at you, looking annoyed, do you assume their annoyance is directed at you?
Or do you cut others slack in these situations, rather than take it personally?
In this episode, I’m sharing what the research says are the four dimensions of the tendency for interpersonal victimhood, breaking down the difference between having a victim mentality and being a victim, and giving you ideas on how you can shift from a victim mindset into a growth mindset.
Highlights:5:00 Signs that you might be living in a victim mentality6:40 An external vs. internal locus of control9:00 My experience seeking recognition of my victimhood15:10 Moral elitism17:45 Shifting out of a victim mentalityLinks Mentioned:Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.
Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm
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