Terri Cole's Blog, page 12

697 Love, Life, and the Power of Meditation with Yung Pueblo

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“There are going to be people who hurt you, but they’re powerless to heal you. That can only really come from within you.” – Yung Pueblo

Intro

On today’s episode, I’ve invited Diego Perez (pen name Yung Pueblo) on to celebrate his newest book, How to Love Better: The Path to Deeper Connection Through Growth, Kindness, and Compassion. We talk all about how to form better connections with everyone you love: How to meet conflict with teamwork, how mindfulness can help you respond rather than reacting, and making space to listen to others when they are overwhelmed with emotion rather than matching their energy. Plus, Diego shares his origin story and his own biggest boundary struggle!

Highlights:3:40 Diego’s origin story – From immigrating to the united states as a 4 year old to his recovery from drug addiction10:15 What Diego’s meditation practice looks like today15:00 Why now is the right time for Diego’s book How to Love Better20:25 A framework for healthier conflict in a relationship29:00 Diego’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Yung Pueblo

Diego Perez is a meditator and #1 New York Times bestselling author who is widely known by his pen name, Yung Pueblo. Online he has an audience of over 4 million people. His writing focuses on the power of self-healing, creating healthy relationships, and the wisdom that comes when we truly work on knowing ourselves. He has sold over 1.5 million books worldwide that have been translated into over 25 languages. Diego is a general partner at Wisdom Ventures and a founder of Ready Platform, a dating and relationship support app. Diego’s newest book is How to Love Better.

IG: https://instagram.com/yung_pueblo

Substack: https://yungpueblo.substack.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

What I Learned About Erotic Intelligence From Esther Perel

Have you heard the term erotic intelligence before?

If you haven’t, does it sound like it’s all about sex?

Before attending a transformative retreat with Esther Perel and Paul Browde, that’s kind of what I thought.

Talk about confronting! I had agreed to attend with a friend after her husband had to drop out without knowing the details because it was Esther Perel and Costa Rica, and who would say no to that?

I was surprised to learn erotic intelligence is actually about feeling alive and energized in your life, and I walked away with a renewed sense of vitality.

In this episode, I’ll share what I learned during the retreat as well as the questions and exercises we walked through to help raise your awareness around erotic intelligence. By the end, I hope you’ll feel similarly lit up about life.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is Erotic Intelligence?

Like many people, I was introduced to the concept of erotic intelligence in Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, which explores the relationship between domesticity and sexual desire.

When asked about erotic intelligence during an interview, Esther said, “We have an erotic mind [that] is infinite. And eroticism thrives on the ritual and the celebration and the infiniteness of our imagination — and on the forbidden, for that matter, too.

There’s a transgressive element in that. And that’s part of why I became so interested in how you integrate this force into the domestic life that we also want. What is this dual set of needs that we grapple with?”

Esther is referring to how what we want most in long-term relationships (security, stability, and consistency) are the enemies of erotic excitement (mystery, surprise, novelty).

But Esther argues it’s possible to have exciting sex in long-term relationships. We just need to incorporate eroticism into our self-care plan.

(By the way, Esther defines eroticism as “not sex per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that make us feel alive.”)

You can start by asking yourself, when do I feel most alive? Most erotic? Most free? When do I feel most lit up in my life?

Erotic intelligence can help us make meaningful connections with our partners and ourselves as these questions invite us to get curious about and own our desires.

Key Verbs in Erotic Intelligence

During the retreat, we explored key verbs that shape how we relate to our partners:

Asking instead of assuming.Giving – Do you enjoy giving from the heart, or do you give to avoid owing?Receiving – Can you allow yourself to be loved, cherished, adored, or pleasured? Do you receive when you give?Taking/claiming – There’s an element of this that can be erotic and make you feel wanted in a relationship, which you can discuss with your partner.Sharing – Do you naturally share, or do you calculate fairness?Playing – Are you doing fun things, like flirting or going on adventures?Refusing – Can you say no? If you can’t, then how can your ‘yes’ be trusted?Wanting – Do you tell your partner what you want and take responsibility for your desires?Giving and receiving are big ones for recovering high-functioning codependents. Being unable to receive negatively impacts our sexual and sensual lives (which I wrote about in Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency).

To explore your relationship with giving and receiving, download the guide for extra prompts.

Understanding What Turns You On (and Off)

One of my biggest takeaways from the retreat was the question of how am I turning myself off? 

When it comes to keeping a good connection in our relationship, emotionally and physically, we must take responsibility (to the best of our ability) for our health.

I jump on my trampoline, lift weights, and maintain my bone health because I want to live well, and it’s how I feel alive.

Before Vic and I got married, I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t take care of themselves. This experience taught me that having a partner committed to their health was non-negotiable for me.

He didn’t share my desire to hike, bike, go to the gym, or snowshoe. We didn’t have the same idea of what it meant to be physically well.

While it was okay because we were in our 20s, I knew we’d eventually grow in separate directions because we wanted different lifestyles.

So when Vic and I got together, I asked him if he would commit to taking full responsibility for his health, and he agreed and has followed through. He works with a personal trainer twice weekly, setting up wellness checks and his annual physical with his doctors. We walk and hike together often.

Beyond Vic staying in good physical health, his curiosity and being a lifelong learner turn me on. I love that he barely watches TV and constantly listens to things he can learn from. He’s made me so much more intelligent in the nearly 28 years we’ve been together.

We can also take responsibility for what turns us on by reading erotica or watching sexual things together. Every couple is different! Give yourself the freedom to explore what might work for you.

Allow yourself to have sexual fantasies, too. They increase excitement and pleasure, and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sexuality much. If you can relate, know that there’s a good chance your fantasies are common, and they don’t make you a bad or deranged person.

At the retreat, we also discussed moving away from performance (depending on how you relate to your sexuality) and enjoying the present moment.

Esther says, “We turn ourselves on when we energize ourselves, when we are embodied and focused—not on any particular goal…but on the present moment.”

Being present in an experience requires us to put down our guard. It doesn’t have to be sexual, either. It can be sensual, like giving each other a massage.

Additionally, as a recovering high-functioning codependent with a history of hyper-independence, the biggest question for me is, can I surrender? (Can you relate?)

During the retreat, we also thought about when we’re most drawn to our partners. Is it when they’re in charge? Playful? Kind? Masterful? Passionate?

Many people shared they were most drawn to their partner when they didn’t need anything from them and when they exhibited mastery. What about you?

The Importance of New Experiences

There are a lot of memes out there about mothering your partner and what a turnoff it is, as over-caretaking is kind of anti-erotic.

What is erotic is having new experiences together.

Vic and I do this nearly every Sunday. We hop in the truck, drive somewhere new, and have lunch at a cafe we’ve never eaten at.

We don’t know if the food will be good, but it doesn’t matter. The experience does.

Experiencing new things apart is key, too.

I was terrified when Vic was first embedded in a war zone to illustrate what was happening on the ground.

But I was also attracted to him for his courage and mastery. It takes a lot of skill to draw something in real-time, in a high-stakes environment, where everyone is moving! (You can see his amazing work here.)

The Power of Intention in Long-Term Relationships

At the retreat, Esther said this about long-term relationships:

Whatever was going to happen spontaneously between you already has. Everything else we desire, we have to create.

We need to be deliberate and proactive when it comes to sex, lovingly put in the effort, dream together (sexually and non-sexually), and remember why we were drawn to our person to begin with.

Again, think about what new experiences you can infuse into your life and relationship, about what turns you on and off, and take responsibility for your desires.

For more ideas on how to uplevel your erotic intelligence, download the guide. It has journal prompts for you to get a better sense of how you relate to eroticism and your sexuality and sensuality, too.

Let me know in the comments or on Instagram: What are your takeaways about erotic intelligence and how it can help you connect to yourself and your partner? Did this inspire a conversation between you and your partner? I want to know!

P.S. Have you heard about The Terri Cole Membership yet? It’s where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month where you get the chance to have me coach you. You also get access to all of my signature courses and a beautiful community of like-hearted women. It’s a soft place to land in a hard world. Get all the details and join us here.

696 What I Learned About Erotic Intelligence From Esther Perel

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
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“Even though we were talking about erotic intelligence, we were really talking about life force energy. How do we stay lit up in life in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you heard the term erotic intelligence before? 

If you haven’t, does it sound like it’s all about sex?

Before attending a transformative retreat with Esther Perel and Paul Browde, that’s kind of what I thought. 

Talk about confronting! I had agreed to attend with a friend after her husband dropped out, without knowing the details, because it was in Costa Rica and who would say no to that?

I was surprised to learn erotic intelligence is actually about feeling alive and energized in your life, and I walked away with a renewed sense of vitality. 

In this episode, I’ll share what I learned during the retreat as well as the questions and exercises we walked through to help raise your awareness around erotic intelligence. By the end, I hope you’ll feel similarly lit up about life.

Highlights:4:10 An intro to Esther Perel7:00 The importance of receiving10:40 Some other verbs that are important in how you relate to your partner11:30 Consider how you’re turning yourself on and off12:20 How taking responsibility keeps your connection strong16:45 Discovering and sharing sexual fantasies with your partner18:45 Focusing on the experience you want to have, not performing eroticismLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Check out my husband Vic’s art on his website: https://juhaszillustration.com/

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

695 Manage Your Energy (Not Time) with Heather Chauvin

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Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“If we culturally valued time the way we value money, would we invest our time differently?” – Heather Chauvin

Intro

Becoming a mother at 18 turned Heather from a self-described under-achiever into a high-functioning codependent. Receiving a stage 4 cancer diagnosis at 28 was the wake-up call that reminded her to live for herself. Heather shares her story, tells how she learned the role of internal resistance in positive change, and gives you tips that will help you take back control when you feel like you just don’t have enough time.

Highlights:2:40 Heather’s origin story– How a stage 4 cancer diagnosis helped her realize she needed to align her life and her values6:00 The biggest lessons Heather remembers from her cancer diagnosis and treatment16:40 Heather’s relationship to time and energy21:20 Where to start if you feel like you just don’t have enough time27:00 The role resistance plays in positive change and recognizing your boundaries32:45 How Heather overcame her biggest personal boundary struggleConnect with Heather Chauvin

Heather Chauvin is a leadership coach who helps ‘successful’ women courageously and authentically live, work, and parent on their own terms. Heather started her career as a social worker helping adults understand children’s behavior. But it wasn’t until 2013 when a stage 4 cancer diagnosis pushed her to take a deeper stand for change, uncovering how cultural expectations sabotage our dreams. She has been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneur, Real Simple Magazine, Mind Body Green, Google, and more. When Heather isn’t working, you will find her living out what she teaches which may include kayaking Alaska, snowboarding, hiking, or anything else that challenges what she believes is possible for herself (and inviting her children along the journey). Life is full of opportunities. It’s time to feel alive.

Website: https://www.heatherchauvin.com/

IG: https://instagram.com/heatherchauvin_

Podcast: https://www.heatherchauvin.com/podcast

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Protect Your Peace: 7 Techniques to Soothe Your Nervous System in 2025

How are you actually doing in this turbulent world we’re living in right now?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or ungrounded, you’re not alone. The constant barrage of negative news, social media alerts, and global uncertainty can take a serious toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

The good news? You are more resilient than you think. But being proactive about protecting your peace isn’t just nice to have – it’s essential for navigating these challenging times.

In this week’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m sharing practical techniques to soothe your nervous system and ground yourself, even during the most turbulent times. Plus, I’ve created a special guided meditation that you can download and use whenever you need a few minutes of calm.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

7 Ways to Protect Your Peace1. Limit Negative News Consumption

I’ve had to be ruthless about this in my own life lately. The news is everywhere, and it’s designed to keep us engaged through fear and outrage.

Take control by:

Reading news instead of watching it (this gives you the power to stop reading if it becomes too activating)Unfollowing accounts on social media that leave you feeling drainedSetting specific times to check news instead of constant updates

I’ve even had to stop watching late-night comedians – no matter how “funny” their take on current events might be, I found myself feeling more anxious afterward.

2. Listen to Your Body’s Signals

Your body is constantly communicating with you about what’s too much and when you need to rest.

Watch out for your body when you feel:

Tension in your shoulders, jaw, or stomachChanges in your breathing patternFeeling mentally foggy or emotionally reactive

These are all signs that your nervous system needs support. Don’t wait until you’re completely overwhelmed to take action.

3. Develop a Meditation Practice

During a recent interview with Yung Pueblo (Diego Perez), we discussed how a regular meditation practice transformed our lives. For me, just 10-20 minutes of daily meditation gave me an additional 2-3 seconds of response time in challenging situations.

Those few seconds made all the difference between reacting impulsively and choosing a thoughtful response. If meditation seems intimidating, start small:

Set a timer for just 2 minutesTry the universal mantra “So Hum” (silently repeat “So” on your inhale and “Hum” on your exhale)Remember: thoughts aren’t the enemy – when you notice your mind wandering, gently bring it back to your focus

If my busy brain (which Dr. Daniel Amen once called “the busiest brain I’ve ever seen” after seeing my brain scan) can be calmed by meditation, I promise yours can too!

4. Move Your Body Regularly

Movement isn’t just good for your physical health – it’s one of the most effective ways to regulate your nervous system and release tension. If you’re not currently exercising:

Start small with 5-10 minutes of gentle movementChoose activities you genuinely enjoyRemember that consistency matters more than intensity

YouTube is an incredible free resource for incorporating movement into your daily routine. Whether you’re looking for gentle stretching, energizing yoga flows, or fun rebounding workouts, there’s something for every fitness level. The platform hosts thousands of qualified instructors sharing everything from 5-minute desk stretches to full hour-long workouts. You don’t need fancy equipment or expensive gym memberships – simply search for the type of movement that appeals to you, find an instructor whose style resonates, and press play.

5. Create Sensory Anchors for Calm

I love using essential oils as part of my calming routine. My favorite is a blend called “Unwind” from Sage – just smelling it signals my body that it’s time to relax. This works through a Pavlovian response; your body learns to associate specific sensory experiences with relaxation.

Find what works for you:

A special scentA nontoxic candleSoft music or nature soundsA cozy blanket or cushion

When you encounter a triggering situation, simply engaging with your chosen sensory anchor can signal to your brain and body that you’re safe. This works because your nervous system has already created a positive association with that scent, sound, or texture. It’s a way to build an emotional shortcut back to calm – one that becomes more powerful with consistent practice.

6. Practice Better Boundaries

Discerning what (and who) you allow into your energy field is essential for protecting your peace. This includes:

Digital boundaries around technology useSocial boundaries around difficult conversationsTime boundaries to ensure you have space for restorative practices7. Seek Community

We need each other more than ever. Finding a safe and supportive community can be incredibly nourishing during difficult times. If you’re looking for connection, I invite you to join my Terri Cole Membership, where we meet live every week in a safe and sacred container.

I’ve created this beautiful, supportive space and made it affordable so you can give yourself the gift of community (our crew) and guidance (from moi!). The membership gives you access to incredible resources, but most importantly, it provides a safe and sacred container where you can feel supported as you navigate these challenging times.

Ready to join our community? Go to terricole.com/tcm to learn more and become part of our supportive circle. You don’t have to do this alone!

Your Safety & Protection Meditation

Inside this week’s guide, you’ll find the audio version of my Safety & Protection Meditation. This 8-minute practice is all about creating more feelings of security and safety – not just in the physical sense but in a deeper emotional and spiritual way, too.

So many of you have been telling me you’re feeling overstimulated, anxious, and ungrounded. This meditation is explicitly designed to bring you back to yourself and create a sacred space within where you can feel safe and protected, even when the outside world doesn’t feel that way.

This meditation will help you:

Release stress and tensionConnect with your inner sanctuaryUplevel feelings of protection and safety, regardless of what’s happening in the external world

This meditation isn’t just something to listen to – it’s an experience to fully immerse yourself in. Give yourself the gift of your own presence (which we rarely do) and create a sacred moment of peace.

Remember, you don’t need to implement all seven practices simultaneously. Choose just one or two to do daily and notice how they affect your sense of groundedness and peace.

We are all in this together. I am here to help you get through this time and believe in your inherent resilience and strength.

I hope this added value to your life today. If it did, please share it with someone who might need it!

Remember, as always, take care of you.

694 Protect Your Peace: 7 Techniques to Soothe Your Nervous System in 2025

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“You can read your news instead of watching your news. That gives you the power to stop reading if it becomes too activating.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

How are you actually doing in this turbulent world we’re living in right now?

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or ungrounded, you’re not alone. The constant barrage of negative news, social media alerts, and global uncertainty can take a serious toll on our mental and emotional well-being.

The good news? You are more resilient than you think. But being proactive about protecting your peace isn’t just nice to have – it’s essential for navigating these challenging times.

In this week’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, I’m sharing practical techniques to soothe your nervous system and ground yourself, even during the most turbulent times. Plus, I’ve created a special guided meditation that you can download and use whenever you need a few minutes of calm.

Highlights:4:50 Limit your exposure to the news, or read instead of watch6:20 Regularly do something to soothe and calm the nervous system8:10 Take time to move your body11:50 Be kind to yourself and make the best assumptions of others13:15 My live, guided meditation on security and safety for youLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

693 Better Mental Health with Karena Dawn

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“The more we share and open up, the more connected we become.” – Karena Dawn

Intro

Today I’m sharing a chat with Karena Dawn, a second-time guest on the show! Since we spoke last, she’s been hard at work writing as well as continuing to develop a platform around wellness and mental health awareness. We chat about her new memoir The Big Silence, in which she shares the story of how she and her family coped with her mother’s schizophrenia during a time when people struggled to discuss mental health openly. Plus, she tells us the secret to building a successful community which can become a successful brand.

Highlights:3:15 The inspiration behind Karena’s new book, The Big Silence, and the mental health awareness platform she has created8:30 Normalizing conversations around mental health9:40 How Karena is working to provide therapy to those who can’t afford it through her Therapy for All program11:30 Karena’s knack for building community16:30 How Karena integrates mindfulness, meditation, and spirituality into her wellness routine21:45 Introducing your partner to meditationConnect with Karena Dawn

For more than a decade Karena Dawn has empowered millions of women around the world to live their healthiest and happiest lives. Her lifelong passion for fitness, mindfulness, and spiritual empowerment has made her a leader in the wellness space.

Dawn has been featured in Forbes for creating a “fitness empire” and on the
Create & Cultivate 100 List honoring women who are masters in their field. She has also headlined the POPSUGAR Play/Ground Festival and has been a keynote speaker at the PoWer Up Women’s Conference. She is a mindful meditation coach for Chopra Global, and a regularly featured speaker and instructor for TED Women, and other national platforms.

The Big Silence: https://thebigsilence.com/
Website: https://karenadawn.com
Therapy For All program: https://thebigsilence.com/pages/therapy-for-all

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Navigating Codependent Relationships When You’re in Recovery + They’re Not

Are you in a relationship with a high-functioning codependent (HFC)?

Are both you and your partner HFCs?

In my experience, HFCs tend to flock together. Many of my friends identify as HFCs, and my husband is also an HFC.

Some of you have asked how to navigate relationships with fellow HFCs, especially as you get into recovery and become more aware of (and perhaps annoyed by) their behavior.

If you can relate, this episode is for you because I’m talking about the dynamics of high-functioning codependency in relationships, how I’ve managed this in my marriage, and steps you can take to stay on your side of the street while shifting this dynamic into a healthier space.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is High-Functioning Codependency?

In case you need a quick refresher, high-functioning codependency is when you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, circumstances, relationships, careers, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace.

HFCs often attract or inspire others to under-function, which can lead to doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves. There’s an imbalance in effort, activity, and thinking about the relationship.

The reason I wanted to do this episode is because a fan of the podcast wrote in saying she’s in recovery and her husband is still an active HFC with his family of origin. She wants to know how to navigate this dynamic because she’s getting the short end of the stick!

When Two High-Functioning Codependents Get Together

Vic and I are both HFCs, and it worked for us initially because we both took turns dividing and conquering in different areas. We were naturally compatible.

However, in the beginning, there was a lot of unasked-for advice coming both ways. This came to a head when a rep embezzled a bunch of money from him.

I was pissed and wanted to involve lawyers to get all the money back. I was so busy plotting and scheming that I didn’t even ask Vic what he thought he should do. (I was way more hot-headed back then!)

Thankfully, I had a therapist who said, “Maybe you need to see what he thinks he should do about this.”

So I asked Vic, “Babe, how can I best support you in this situation?”

He said, “Have faith that I’ll get it done and get it done my way.”

As soon as I put it down (because it wasn’t mine to handle!), he indeed got all of the money back, without lawyers, and maintained a relationship with the person. (Her accountant had died and she had a drinking problem- neither of us wanted her to go to jail.)

Stepping back from trying to control the situation and respecting his right to do it his way was way better for my marriage.

We also did couples therapy to move away from auto-advice giving and into asking, “What do you think you should do?” “Do you need to vent?” “Are we brainstorming?” “How can I best support you?”

Making this switch was a game-changer for all of my relationships, and you’ll find these questions (and more) inside the guide.

High-Functioning Codependent Friends & Family

Many of my closest girlfriends are highly capable women, and the ones who aren’t in recovery from HFC sometimes offer unasked-for advice.

If you have friends like this, I suggest you get proactive and say, “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain and want to talk to you about it, but I’m not looking for input. I don’t need any fixes. I need you to be my pal and simply listen with a compassionate ear.”

In my opinion, the greatest flex when it comes to actual love is not fixing other people’s problems.

It’s having the emotional courage and fortitude to be in the foxhole with someone during their dark night of the soul and compassionately holding space for the pain they’re in without making suggestions.

I’m not saying you can never share your thoughts with a friend, especially if you have lived experience that might be helpful. I just don’t want it to be the first thing you do.

Trying to fix people is dehumanizing. People do not want to be treated like projects.

Do you have family members who offer unsolicited thoughts or advice?

Sometimes, my mom still can’t wait to tell me what she thinks I should do about certain things.

Back when I got healthy and in recovery from HFC, I had to say, “Mom, if you keep giving me advice I’m not asking for, that I’m not going to take, I will stop talking to you about things that are on my heart.”

She was not psyched with that, but guess what? She got better and better. However, I had to tell her she didn’t know what I should do more than I did, and that suggestions weren’t what I needed. It was what she needed because she was uncomfortable with my pain.

I had to ask her to build up her tolerance and to be uncomfortable with my pain because I needed to be witnessed in it.

How to Stay on Your Side of the Street

Once you get into recovery from HFC and begin experiencing more freedom, you might get the urge to encourage others to get into recovery, too.

But they’re not always quick to follow, and we have to be mindful of slipping into old habits and giving unsolicited advice on this. Everyone has a right to their journey.

Here are a few suggestions on how to shift into healthier relating while staying on your side of the street.

The first thing we can do is set better boundaries. Scripts for what to say are in the guide, but you can say things like, “I’m not seeking input,” or, “I’m looking for a compassionate ear.”

With friends, you can lead by example and share your insights and experiences with them. You could mention that you read Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency and how it’s worked wonders for you.

For romantic relationships, a weekly or biweekly State of the Union offers space to shine a light on codependent behaviors you’re both trying to work on. You could share gratitudes of where you’re doing less, and discuss areas that need work.

These recurring dates also normalize having hard conversations and make bringing issues up earlier much easier.

Spend time reflecting on your 50% of the dynamic in your relationships. How might you contribute in ways that are unhealthy?

Consider doing a relationship inventory for all of your close connections. (Questions and instructions on how to do this are in the guide.) When you get clear on which relationships drain you and which fill your cup, the changes you need to make become clearer.

Let me know: are you in a relationship with a fellow HFC? Are your friends HFCs? Are you having trouble navigating the tension of being in recovery while they’re not? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Calling seekers and women who want to evolve in their lives! I invite you to join the most favorite thing I ever created, which is the Terri Cole Membership. I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month where you get the chance to have me coach you on any issue you want my input on. I love snuggling up to my community and creating this sacred container. It’s a soft place to land in a hard world. Get all the details and join us here.

692 Navigating Codependent Relationships When You’re in Recovery + They’re Not

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“Love is not fixing other people’s problems. It’s having the emotional courage and fortitude to be in the foxhole with someone during a dark night of the soul for them and being able to hang there with them, compassionately holding space for the pain they’re in without making a suggestion, without trying to fix them. That is aspirational.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

Are you in a relationship with a high-functioning codependent (HFC)?

Are both you and your partner HFCs?

In my experience, HFCs tend to flock together. Many of my friends identify as HFCs, and my husband is also an HFC.

Some of you have asked how to navigate relationships with fellow HFCs, especially as you get into recovery and become more aware of (and perhaps annoyed by) their behavior.

If you can relate, this episode is for you because I’m talking about the dynamics of high-functioning codependency in relationships, how I’ve managed this in my marriage, and steps you can take to stay on your side of the street while shifting this dynamic into a healthier space.

Highlights:5:15 A refresher on high-functioning codependency11:15 How I resolved my own HFC relationship dynamic with my husband Vic14:00 Finding the courage to be present with others’ suffering without trying to fix it17:50 More common HFC relationship dynamicsLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

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691 Tap into Optimism to Create a Better Life with Meaghan B Murphy

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“Nothing’s ever going to be perfect. It’s going to be perfectly messy and perfectly chaotic and perfectly okay.” – Meaghan B Murphy

Intro

Today’s guest has brought optimism and mindfulness to the interior design and DIY space like nobody else I know! I chat with Meaghan about how she got into decorating, writing, and editing– and how she maintains the pragmatic, positive mindset that helps her navigate her success. Plus: How parenting can offer special challenges and lessons for high-functioning codependents like Meaghan and I.

Highlights:2:30 Meaghan shares her origin story6:55 How optimism served Meaghan in the difficult parts of her life – Then and now8:30 Meaghan’s decision to have a preventative double mastectomy 14:30 Why “onward” is one of Meaghan’s mantras19:00 How the field of positive psychology has shaped Meaghan’s life22:00 The obstacles and lessons that parenting has in store for high-functioning codependents27:00 How Meaghan got her passion for holidays32:15 Meaghan’s biggest boundary struggle and how she overcame itConnect with Meaghan B Murphy

Meaghan is a longtime magazine editor, author, podcaster, on-air personality, speaker, and home-hack master. Following a six-year stint as the executive editor at Good Housekeeping, Meaghan was named editor-in-chief of Woman’s Day in 2020, charged with re-energizing the legacy brand. 

Along with guiding Woman’s Day creative vision, Meaghan promotes WD in the media as a regular guest expert on shows like Today and Live with Kelly and Mark. You’ll also find her on corporate stages across the country, delivering powerful keynotes inspired by her acclaimed self-help book, Your Fully Charged Life. 

She also plays the fairy-godmother-style host of the new reality show My Perfect Day with Woman’s Day on Hearst Television’s own Very Local streaming platform. 

Website: https://meaghanbmurphy.com

IG: https://instagram.com/meaghanbmurphy

Community: https://instagram.com/theyaylist

Clothing: https://minnierose.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?