The Difference Between Being A Victim + Having a Victim Mentality

Do you get offended if a date doesn’t immediately get back to you?

How about when you ask a friend to call you later and they don’t?

When you pass a stranger on the street and they glance at you, looking annoyed, do you assume their annoyance is directed at you?

Or do you cut others slack in these situations, rather than take it personally?

In this episode, I’m sharing what the research says are the four dimensions of the tendency for interpersonal victimhood, breaking down the difference between having a victim mentality and being a victim, and giving you ideas on how you can shift from a victim mindset into a growth mindset.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is the Victim Mentality?

A social scientist, Rahav Gabay, and her colleagues define the tendency for interpersonal victimhood as “an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim, which is generalized across many kinds of relationships. As a result, victimization becomes a central part of the individual’s identity.”¹

Those with a victimhood mindset tend to have an external locus of control, where they believe that what happens in life is either luck or fate. This language creates a lack of responsibility and leads to feeling unempowered in life.

When we have an external locus of control, it may feel like life happens to us, like we’re a tiny boat and our life is a massive tsunami throwing us around the ocean.

But when we become healthier through the process of self-reflection, we can develop an internal locus of control and realize we have the power to be the tsunami or the GPS that directs the tiny boat (our life).

It makes sense that taking everything personally makes it more likely you may be in a victim mentality state.

Using the examples above, it’s possible that your friend had a long day at work and collapsed on the couch in exhaustion upon coming home.

Maybe your date wasn’t trying to make you feel bad by not getting back to you, but got caught up in something urgent.

Perhaps the stranger on the street just received bad news, was lost in thought, and happened to look your way.

These situations are an unavoidable part of living in society and need to be negotiated and managed. Those who can’t manage them typically fall into the camp of feeling like perpetual victims.

Four Key Characteristics of a Victim Mindset

The research Gabay and her colleagues did found that the tendency for interpersonal victimhood centered around four main areas:

Constantly seeking recognition for one’s victimhood: they had a perpetual need to have others acknowledge their suffering.Moral elitism: a defense mechanism that allows them to hold onto a positive self-image and be perceived as the one who was wronged and morally superior to others (which also involves projecting their shadow onto others).Lack of empathy for the pain and suffering of others: self-obsessed with their own suffering, they were oblivious to others’ suffering, and felt more entitled.Frequently ruminating about past victimization: this is best illustrated with an example: years ago at a wedding, I sat next to a woman I didn’t know, and after she introduced herself, she told me all about her divorce that happened 18 years ago. She felt so identified with being wronged that it was the first thing she said to me.

It’s important to note that the research Gabay and her colleagues did does not equate experiencing trauma and actual victimization.

In other words, you could have a victim mentality without experiencing trauma or victimization, and the opposite is true, too. Experiencing severe trauma or victimization doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll develop a victim mentality.

All of this information, plus extra resources on the victim mentality, can be found in the guide, which you can grab right here.

Trauma vs. Having a Victim Mentality

I experienced the need to seek recognition for my victimhood when I had cancer in my early 30s.

I was required to have the same surgery twice, less than six months apart, along with the same radiation treatment. I was so traumatized by the mishandling of the situation that I couldn’t stop seeking recognition for my victimhood.

During this time, I randomly bumped into someone I hadn’t seen in three years, and as soon as they asked me how I was, I launched into the entire story, gory details and all.

To a degree, this was a normal response to trauma, but it took me two years to work through it in therapy.

There’s also nothing wrong with recognizing your victimhood when you’ve been victimized. It becomes more of a problem when you can’t let it go (like the woman at the wedding).

Shifting From a Victim Mindset to a Growth Mindset

Here are a few ways you can begin shifting out of a victim mindset to a growth mindset.

First, look at the content you’re consuming on social media. Is there an emphasis on victimhood identity in the posts you see? It’s possible we learn to identify as victims through this content.

Nuance gets lost when people try to fit complex psychological concepts into 30-second TikTok sound bites. So much gets categorized as trauma, but if everything we experience is trauma, then nothing is trauma, and being victimized (for real) loses its power.

Second, our trauma doesn’t have to define us. There’s a whole school of thought about this called post-traumatic growth, which I’ve written about here. These principles can help us turn traumatic experiences into growth experiences without bypassing or hyper-positivity.

As my pal Kris Carr says, I don’t call my traumatic experiences ‘gifts’ because I wouldn’t give them to you, but I learned a lot from them and they were life-changing.

There are benefits of moving through victimization, learning from it, honoring it, and integrating it into the beautiful, unique tapestry of our lives. It’s not about shoving it down or denying it, but it’s also not about continuing it.

Third, it can also help to look at the past, because if you are a part of a culture that has been victimized for centuries, that oppression influences collective and solo identity.

If you’re interested in learning more, I invite you to read Rise Above: Overcome A Victim Mindset, Empower Yourself, and Realize Your Full Potential by Scott Barry Kaufman, PhD, as much of this article was inspired by his work.

Again, being victimized or having a traumatic experience is not the same as having a victimhood mentality. They’re different things. Being victimized can create a victimhood mentality, but not always, and you can also have a victimhood mentality without experiencing trauma.

All of this information and the resources mentioned are in the guide, which you can get here. 

What are your thoughts about the victimhood mentality? Do you know anyone like this (or do you have these tendencies)? Are the differences between being victimized and having a victim mentality clear to you? Leave a comment, tag me in your stories on Instagram (@terricole), or drop a note wherever you listen to the pod.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. If you love these cozy conversations, I think you’d love The Terri Cole Membership, where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom every month. Check it out at terricole.com/tcm.

¹https://www.researchgate.net/publication/341548585_The_Tendency_for_Interpersonal_Victimhood_The_Personality_Construct_and_its_Consequences