What Are You Tolerating? How to Identify What’s Draining You

Have you ever wondered why you feel so drained? Have you ever considered that it might be connected to what you’re tolerating?

Whether it’s a cluttered office space, a messy car, a side table overflowing with paperwork, or something bigger like a one-sided relationship or ineffective communication with your partner, what you’re putting up with could be exhausting you more than you think.

So…what are you consistently putting up with that gets on your nerves or depletes you?

In this episode, we’re looking at what we’re tolerating in life because we’re not always aware of the things we put up with that make us low-grade aggravated and drained.

I hope you’ll leave with more awareness around what you’re putting up with and feel inspired to stop settling and make changes for a more fulfilling life.

https://youtu.be/zlosCdLD4Yw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

We Learn to Tolerate Early On

You’re probably tolerating more than you know.

Those of us raised as women, and especially those of us who identify as high-functioning codependents, learned how to tolerate a lot growing up.

We tend to accept, put up with, and be weighed down by others’ behavior – their bad boundaries, entitlement, unmet needs, incompleteness, problems, and frustrations.

Even if you make tolerating look easy-breezy (which high-functioning codependents do!), eventually, it takes a toll on you.

We often tolerate our own bad behavior, too, like unhealthy habits we say we’ll change, limiting beliefs, or remaining in not-so-great situations and settling for less.

What Are You Tolerating?

Think about what you’re currently tolerating in life, big or small, recurring or new.

Some small examples include:

A cluttered closetA messy roomA harsh lightA leaky faucet or running toilet

You might make note of these things every time you come across them, too. Ugh, this light is too bright. My desk is such a mess. I need to clean my car…and yet, you don’t take action.

No judgment. I’m guilty of it, too! But it’s tiring, right?

Bigger things we might be tolerating are:

A crappy relationshipA low-paying or dead-end jobBad boundaries from other peopleA boundary bully or narcissistA one-sided friendshipIneffective communication with your partner or family

Think about all areas of your life…what are you putting up with?

For help, download the guide for a step-by-step process to go through each area of your life and identify what you’re tolerating.

We Lose Energy When We Put Up With Stuff

When my office is messy, it’s depleting.

While I do my best to keep it well-kept, interviewing authors on my podcast results in piles of books everywhere.

Every time I see these piles (we’re talking hundreds of times), I think, I need to figure out what to do with them!

These book piles serve as a constant reminder that I need to clean and make me feel noticeably drained. When I eventually organize things, the difference is clear. I walk into my office and say, I love this room and how open and airy it feels! 

That’s all the evidence I need to know I’m profoundly affected by what I’m tolerating in my space. (If you’re highly sensitive, you might be, too!)

And yet, even after almost 30 years as a therapist, I still don’t clean up the second I’m aware of the clutter. Trust me, there’s no judgment here. This is just part of the human condition.

Do You Need to Let Go of Things?

Speaking of clutter, how many near-empty bottles of lotion, shower gel, or perfume are lying around your place?

Just get rid of them.

Do your best not to be wasteful, but if you haven’t touched them in months, chuck them. (In the case of shower gel, put water in there to finish it!)

Use Marie Kondo’s method and ask yourself what in your space sparks joy. Put anything that doesn’t spark joy in a giveaway or “get rid of” pile.

I know it can be hard to part with things. I can’t stand the thought of something good going into a landfill, so I’ll donate it to Goodwill. It makes me feel better knowing it’ll go to someone who will use it.

Do you tend to hold onto things or feel guilty about decluttering? Download the guide for a few journal prompts to explore why.

We all have our psychological reasons for holding onto things, and we also have reasons for why we continue to tolerate stuff. Let’s look at a few examples.

Why Do We Put Up With Crap?

During the pandemic, many of my therapy clients got into self-numbing behaviors. One in particular wanted to stop drinking so much alcohol and committed to only drinking on the weekends.

When three weeks went by with her continuing to drink almost daily, I knew we needed to uncover the secondary gain, the unobvious benefit my client was getting from doing something that wasn’t great for her.

When I asked her, “What do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by drinking every night?” she immediately responded, “That my marriage is over.”

Another client of mine was continuing to have sex with her ex even though it made her feel bad. When I asked why, she said, “At least I know them.”

Again, I used the secondary gain question: what do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by continuing to have sex with your ex?

She replied, “I don’t have to be vulnerable with new people or get out of my comfort zone.”

She found putting herself out there scarier than staying in the familiar, even though she knew it wasn’t what she wanted.

In both of these examples, my clients were tolerating their unwanted behavior out of fear.

Secondary gain can be sneaky, so I’ve included this question in the guide, which you can download here.

Instead of Settling, Do This

The first step to change is identifying what you’re putting up with in your life, because it makes you acknowledge the truth.

The second step is facing the fears you might have around making changes.

It’s okay to be afraid! Fear doesn’t have to stop you from making changes, but you can’t stay in denial. Focus on the strategic moves you can make to prepare.

For example, let’s say you want to make a career move, but you’re afraid of the financial consequences. Begin saving money with the specific intention of using it to bridge the gap between leaving your current job and starting a new one.

I also invite you to challenge the smallness of your dreams.

Many years ago, I attended a small group event with Deepak Chopra, and he asked a question that changed the trajectory of my life: “If money, time, and failure were no object, what would you spend your time doing?”

I realized I didn’t want to continue being a talent agent, but I was afraid to switch jobs. I had spent 10 years building a prestigious, lucrative career. I was scared of not being masterful and making less money.

Yet, the answer to what lights me up? was helping people, not negotiating contracts for models as a talent agent.

After this realization, I went back to school to become a psychotherapist, graduated from NYU, and opened a successful private practice, but I had to overcome my limiting beliefs first.

It didn’t stop there, either. In the last 10 years I’ve written three books, published over 700 podcast episodes, been a guest on hundreds of podcasts, built life-changing courses, cultivated a sacred container of growth within my mastermind, and created a membership full of beautiful, like-hearted women (which I’d love for you to join- details here!).

All because my dharma is helping others and making mental health more accessible, and because I didn’t let fear hold me back.

I hope this episode inspires you to stop putting up with whatever you’re tolerating and to dream big. Let me know if it did by leaving a comment, tagging me in your Instagram stories (@terricole), or dropping a note wherever you listen to the pod.

Remember, download the guide for prompts to explore and identify what you’re tolerating so you can make the changes you need to feel freer and lighter.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.