Terri Cole's Blog, page 10

From Savior to Supporter: How Your Presence Helps More Than Unsolicited, Well-Meaning Advice

Does everyone come to you when there’s a problem because you’re known for giving the best advice or being good in a crisis?

Do you intervene in family members’ situations before they even ask for help? Do you feel anxious or guilty when others struggle? Do you rush to smooth things over?

Or do you subconsciously look for people to save? The broken-winged birds?

These are all signs you might have a savior complex. If you’re exhausted from playing this role, you’re in the right place.

I’ll walk you through how to become an authentic supporter rather than a savior, the differences between the two, and share a few reasons why some of us naturally fall into the role of savior.

https://youtu.be/QodoZOkQA3M

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Problem With Playing the Savior

Does the thought of ‘saving’ someone feel kind of noble? Almost heroic?

You might wonder, what’s wrong with stepping in if I have the answer and I can rescue those in need?

Well, “saving” someone often robs them of their power, autonomy, and ability to be the hero of their own story.

Instead of healing or improving relationships, saviors often trample on boundaries and foster dependency.

It’s a bad cycle to fall into. Trust me, I know from personal experience.

When I was younger, I attracted all the broken-winged birds. Whenever I saw someone’s potential, I felt responsible for helping them realize it, which often led to resentment on both sides.

The cost of being a savior is feeling unseen and unknown. It can feel like everyone else is taking and taking while you endlessly give.

Saviors also have no time to focus on themselves. Shifting to the role of a healthy supporter can give you more bandwidth to begin authentically relating to the people you love.

If you identify with being in the role of savior, don’t feel bad. I bet your heart is in the right place. Mine was, too. But as they say, intention doesn’t negate impact.

This isn’t about making yourself wrong. It’s about learning to be supportive in a healthier way, which benefits us and the people we love. While it might feel powerful to rescue, it’s not true power.

True power comes from standing beside, not holding up or standing over. It’s interdependency, not hyper-independence or codependence.

Shifting Out of the Savior Role Can Be Hard

Part of the problem with giving up the savior role is that it feels good…at least, for a while. It can feel nice to be needed, right?

The other part of the problem is being the savior helps us feel in control when others are in pain or suffering. This is especially true for empaths and high-functioning codependents who have a hard time sitting with other people’s pain.

It’s common for hyper-helpers and people with a savior complex to be in helping careers like caregiving, counseling, emergency response, etc.

There’s nothing wrong with this, but we have to examine our motivations. Humans are complex.

For example, being a therapist allows me to help people lessen their own suffering and elevate their joy, and it can also make me feel like I’m doing something to control people’s outcomes.

Developing awareness around your motivations and putting appropriate boundaries in place is key to managing this.

Real-Life Examples of Playing the Savior

I was in my friend’s apartment when, in an apartment on another floor, a friend of hers and her husband passed away. They were ill, and her husband had been visiting. When he returned, he looked like he needed to talk, so I asked him what happened.

As he shared the news, he began to cry, and his wife started crying and ran over to hug him. He immediately stopped talking.

She couldn’t tolerate his pain, so she controlled it by hugging him, and he never finished what he was saying.

Recently, someone reached out to tell me they felt seen while reading my book, Too Much. Part of high-functioning codependency is feeling compelled to do things for people we barely know, and this person was managing eleven meal trains, mostly for folks they admitted they didn’t know well.

This is a perfect example of identifying with the savior role and feeling compelled to do something.

When we behave this way, we’re assuming the person even wants a meal train and that we’re the best ones to do it, even though they likely have people closer to them who would be better suited for this.

I’m not judging the behavior in either example. This isn’t about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. But we have to look at the cost: saving often serves the savior more than the saved.

When we save others, the message we send is: “You can’t do this without me. I’m going to save you because you need to be saved.” You implicitly tell them they’re broken, incapable, or less than in some way.

Over time, the people we save come to believe this as truth. Especially children. Even if unintentional, you’re reinforcing the helplessness you wanted to heal.

Why Do We Feel Compelled to Save People?

We might feel compelled to save people for several reasons, like:

We learned early on in life that love needed to be earned through usefulness and providing valueWe’re showing up for people the way we wished others had shown up for usWe just want to feel like we matter

But saving people doesn’t heal our wounds. It just digs them deeper and spreads the pain around.

The real work is learning to sit with others’ struggles without rushing to erase them. To offer presence without prescription.

When we’re upset, we usually want presence and compassionate witnessing. Not unsolicited fixes, suggestions, and advice.

Can you learn to value your own presence?

Savior vs Supporter

Let’s compare and contrast the savior and the supporter so you have a better idea of what separates the two.

Saviors solve problems for other people, while supporters empower others to solve their own problems.

Saviors assume they know best, while supporters trust others to know themselves best.

Saviors feel responsible for outcomes, and supporters respect other people’s autonomy.

Saviors cross emotional boundaries, and supporters respect and honor them.

Saviors say, “Let me fix you,” while supporters say, “I believe in your ability to fix this yourself. I’m here if you want a hand, need to be compassionately witnessed, or want someone in the foxhole with you during your dark night of the soul.”

Support also says, “I see your strength even when you don’t. I trust your path even when it looks messy. I’m beside you, but this journey is yours.”

People have a right to succeed and fail, to thrive and flail. Supporters understand this, but saviors and high-functioning codependents don’t like people flailing because it makes them uncomfortable.

Ultimately, saviors create dependency while supporters nurture resiliency.

What Does Real Support Look Like?

True support looks like listening deeply without jumping in and asking for consent before offering help or advice.

It’s asking expansive questions so people know you’re interested in helping them figure out what they should do.

It looks like trusting their timing, without judgment, and being a cheerleader for their victories. It’s helping them see where there’s positive growth and allowing them to fail, because that’s how real growth happens.

It’s not your place to prevent people from failing because their situation is not yours to manage.

I say this with compassion because I know it’s hard. When I was an active high-functioning codependent, it felt like everyone’s situation was my situation.

Managing your nervous system, reactivity, and activation points can make it easier to step into the role of a supporter.

In the guide, I give you a few questions you can ask to get clarity on why sitting with other people’s pain might be difficult, as well as ideas for soothing your nervous system.

A big part of shifting from savior to supporter is understanding why it’s hard not to save.

You don’t have to make yourself wrong, but understanding creates awareness, and when you’re aware of your behavior, you can change it.

Transitioning from savior to supporter also requires humility, patience, and profound respect for the people you love, lead, and care for. It asks you to believe in their wholeness, potential, and ability.

Can you get curious about why and how people do things, rather than being judgmental?

If you’re exhausted from being in the savior role, take this as permission to hang up your cape. Start aiming for interdependent relationships rather than codependent ones. You deserve so much more from your relationships, and so do the people in your life.

Did this resonate with you? Do you often fall into the role of savior? Do you find it hard to sit with people’s pain?

Remember to download the guide for questions to explore why you might feel compelled to save others and for ideas on managing your nervous system as you shift from savior to supporter.

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

P.S. If you enjoy talking about codependency, boundaries, or relationships and want a safe place to grow and be witnessed, join my community! We meet four times a month for Q&A, where you’ll have the chance to be coached by me on any situation you’re navigating. It’s a place to take your learning one step deeper, and I’d love to have you.

722 From Savior to Supporter: How Your Presence Helps More Than Unsolicited, Well-Meaning Advice

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“No matter how pure your intentions are, trying to save people often backfires. ” – Terri Cole

Intro

Does everyone come to you when there’s a problem because you’re known for giving the best advice or being good in a crisis?

Do you intervene in family members’ situations before they even ask for help? Do you feel anxious or guilty when others struggle? Do you rush to smooth things over?

Or do you subconsciously look for people to save? The broken-winged birds?

These are all signs you might have a savior complex. If you’re exhausted from playing this role, you’re in the right place. 

I’ll walk you through how to become an authentic supporter rather than a savior, the differences between the two, and share a few reasons why some of us naturally fall into the role of savior. 

Highlights:4:10 Getting curious about your own behavior and why trying to save people often backfires6:30 Why we are attracted to the savior role9:00 The cost of constantly saving others10:20 The savior vs. the supporter13:30 What true support looks likeLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

721 Dating and Boundaries with Sami Wunder

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“Dating is a resting activity. You work all day, you perform all day, you put on a mask all day, but dating is the time when that mask comes off.” – Sami Wunder

Intro

Are you a highly capable and successful woman who feels lost when it comes to love and attracting an equal partner? Does it feel like love is the only area of your life you’re *not* an expert in?

Then tune into this episode with my pal Sami Wunder because Sami’s expertise is in helping high-achieving women find lasting love.

We talked about what Sami learned about love from her parents, her dating struggles, the ultimate boundary she set when dating, masculine and feminine energy, not trying to earn love, and believing that you’re inherently worthy and how to date in a way that reflects this belief.

Highlights:3:25 Sami’s origin story with female empowerment as a dating expert12:00 The challenges that brilliant women face when dating and some mindsets that can help21:00 Directing your masculine energy inward rather than outward27:00 The impact of low self-worth on dating29:30 Re-wiring your nervous system for healthy love32:00 The no-girlfriend speech: How to make your intentions clear and keep your options open until they are returnedConnect with Sami Wunder

Sami Wunder is a leading international relationship and dating coach who specializes in working with ambitious, high-achieving women, helping them attract lasting romantic love.

Her claim to fame is her 6-Step Love Success Framework that has led to more than 1000 client engagements and marriages plus thousands more committed relationships.

As the CEO of a thriving 8-figure love coaching brand, Sami currently serves a highly engaged, global clientele of more than 150,000 ambitious, successful women across 90 countries. Her clients range from a Hollywood celebrity, UK TV stars, and renowned authors to CEOs, bankers, lawyers, doctors, and entrepreneurs.

Website: https://samiwunder.com

IG: https://instagram.com/samiwundercoach

 

Early Dating Mastery: https://start.samiwunder.com/free-acess-early-dating-mastery-video-series/

Get Him Obsessed (for those who are partnered): https://start.samiwunder.com/get-him-obsessed-video-series-sign-up/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Displacing Your Anger? How to Recognize the Signs + Reflect Not React

Are you expressing anger in unexpected ways?

Maybe you’ve been way more aggressive toward undeserving folks, inanimate objects, or fellow drivers because it feels safer or is the only way to express the anger you’re feeling with all the unrest in the world.

Or maybe you’re guilty of spending hours thinking of the perfect comeback to a snide comment left on a social media post.

With all of the global divisiveness we’re experiencing, and it being the end of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to bring the concept of displaced aggression or anger to your attention.

If your anger is surprising you or coming out sideways, you might be displacing it.

In this episode, I’ll break down what it is, how to know if you’re displacing your aggression, and healthier, more productive ways we can channel and manage our anger.

https://youtu.be/J9SfFeWzSaM

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is Displaced Aggression or Anger?

According to the American Psychological Association, displaced aggression (also referred to as displaced anger) is:

“The direction of hostility away from the source of frustration or anger and toward either the self or a different entity. Displaced aggression may occur, for example, when circumstances preclude direct confrontation with a responsible entity because it is perceived as too powerful to attack without fear of reprisal.”

Displaced aggression might look like being angry at your boss and taking your anger out on your partner or kid after coming home. It can also look like having road rage on your commute back.

You can also have displaced aggression toward inanimate objects. In my unscientific experience, this might be more of a male than a female thing.

Displaced aggression piqued my interest because the worse things get around the world, the more prevalent it’s becoming.

There’s global unrest and political divisiveness, not to mention a barrage of natural disasters and a pandemic that was basically a plague.

All of these events have a huge impact on our mental health and our central nervous systems. How we go through the world is heavily impacted by our experiences.

Now more than ever, I thought it would be helpful to highlight how we might displace our aggression and anger and what we can do instead.

From a therapeutic perspective, I believe we can either talk our problems and feelings out or act them out. With displaced aggression, we’re acting things out.

Just take the social media landscape as an example. There’s an “us vs them” culture that serves to “otherize.” The vibe is “either you’re with me or you’re against me.” There’s no room for nuance.

Social media creates the perfect storm for cancel culture and the mob mentality because “keyboard warriors” and trolls get to be anonymous and say crap they’d never say in real life.

There are also loads of people who criticize and don’t do anything to make the world a better place, while others actually try to put in the work to improve things.

In the words of Brené Brown, “If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.”

Check Yourself- How Reactive Are You?

Are you aware of how reactive or quick to cancel people you are?

Do you often jump on the social media bandwagon of being absolutely positive someone is guilty of something when they may not be?

From a psychological and therapeutic perspective, people need an outlet for their anger. And there is a lot to be angry about. But discharging it by being mean to a waitress (for example) is not the way. Displaced anger won’t help.

We have to stop and reflect: What am I doing? How am I part of the problem or part of the solution? Slowing down before jumping on the current bandwagon can be helpful.

The only way social media or society as a whole will get healthier is if we start with ourselves.

Of course, it would be great if we were all supported by robust programs that made mental health resources available to everyone. I try to do my part by offering free content every week (and then some!) because I believe good mental health is a birthright for all of us.

Regardless, one of the most powerful things we can do is look inward and say, “How can I be more peaceful, even if there’s a lot to be angry about?” (We’ll get into ideas soon.)

Download the guide for a short inventory to explore if you’re displacing your anger or aggression.

The Extra Stress of Being a High-Functioning Codependent

Do you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC)? If so, you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders because HFCs feel responsible for fixing everything.

When the world is in so much unrest, it’s extra taxing for HFCs and can lead to massive burnout, exhaustion, and, of course, displaced aggression.

If you read my most recent book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, you know there’s a cycle HFCs go through where they give way too many f*cks (lots of over-giving, over-functioning, and over-feeling), and then swing all the other way to the other side where they’re so mad they can’t control what they want to control, they no longer have any f*cks to give.

We don’t want to be on either side of this pendulum, but being an empath or highly sensitive person complicates the plight of being an HFC in a world where displacing aggression is tempting.

Tapping into the zeitgeist of this communal vibe reveals a lot of anger, which is why we must protect ourselves and our energy, and pay attention to and manage our own anger.

What’s Wrong With Displaced Anger?

A large part of the problem with displaced aggression is that the source of the anger goes unaddressed. Your anger never gets completed or satisfied because you’re taking it out on the wrong thing or person.

Displacing anger in a relationship also erodes trust and creates emotionally untrustworthy situations and people. It’s hard to feel safe and let your guard down around someone who regularly displaces their aggression onto you.

In a broader sense, displaced aggression can cause real harm. In my experience, the people who are the angriest with politics are typically the most disappointed with how their lives turned out. This anger fuels their hate for other groups.

Their mentality is, “Why should I help others when I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps? My life is crap and theirs should be, too.”

My thought is, it’s their job to make their life not crap. They have to figure out what’s making them unhappy and do something about it. Putting their boot on the neck of a marginalized group isn’t going to fix their misery.

If you couldn’t tell, my tolerance for displaced aggression is low because it feels like such irresponsibility.

No judgment, though. All of us will displace aggression or anger at some point in our lives, as most of us weren’t taught how to healthily or properly honor our anger. So let’s look at how we can shift towards this.

Healthy, Productive Ways of Handling + Managing Anger or Aggression

Assuming it’s possible to address the origin of the source of anger, do this first. Learning effective communication skills will help you talk true. I’ve written tons of blogs about these topics and this information is also in my books.

Becoming a better communicator enables you to accurately express your feelings. Instead of your anger eventually coming out sideways (and not knowing why you’re angry), you’ll stop silently suffering and stuffing crap down.

You also need to be honest with yourself. If you’re angry at the government and blaming marginalized groups for your woes, ask yourself if displacing your aggression is making you feel better. It might work temporarily, but it won’t in the long run.

Or maybe you take your anger out on your partner because it feels like they tolerate it. The truth is, this slowly scratches away at the foundation of your relationship. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it.

It’s also helpful to find healthy outlets to get anger out of your body. You might want to journal or exercise.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in my early 30s, I took up boxing. I was so mad about the diagnosis and pounding the crap out of something felt great.

We also need to look at what is in our control and what isn’t. If you’re angry about politics or global issues like climate change, scale it down and focus on local or personal initiatives. What can you do?

Personally, I downloaded an app called 5 Calls, and every day, I call representatives and tell them my concerns.

Internal boundaries can help, too. Pay attention to what makes you feel like crap and unfollow accounts, consume less news, change how you consume it, or delete apps. And just because you see something online you dislike doesn’t mean you need to engage with it!

I’m always looking for ‘good news’ accounts to counteract all the horrific news. Download the guide for my favorites (plus tips on dealing with displaced aggression).

Additionally, tune in with the basics. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you hydrating? Are you eating well? Exercising? Do these things to the best of your ability. Lack of sleep (for example) contributes to not having the discipline to handle your anger well.

Finally, see if you can find any compassion in your heart or empathy for other people, even folks you may not understand.

We’re all out here trying to survive. It’s not easy, and sometimes it can help to remember that even if we disagree, we’re all connected and living in this unified field together. We all have to participate in making this world a better place than it is right now.

If you could use a soft place to land in this hard world where there’s room for nuance, understanding, guidance, compassionate witnessing, and just being, I invite you to join my membership. We meet four times a month on Zoom for Q&A calls, and we’re always talking about how we can live better as empaths and HFCs in this world.

I hope this adds value to your life. Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

¹https://dictionary.apa.org/displaced-aggression

720 Displacing Your Anger? How to Recognize the Signs + Reflect Not React

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“All of us are going to displace aggression at one point or another. Most of us were not taught how to honor our anger healthily or properly. But there are things we can do instead.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are you expressing anger in unexpected ways?

Maybe you’ve been way more aggressive toward undeserving folks, inanimate objects, or fellow drivers because it feels safer or is the only way to express the anger you’re feeling with all the unrest in the world.

Or maybe you’re guilty of spending hours thinking of the perfect comeback to a snide comment left on a social media post.

With all of the global divisiveness we’re experiencing, and it being the end of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to bring the concept of displaced aggression or anger to your attention.

If your anger is surprising you or coming out sideways, you might be displacing it. 

In this episode, I’ll break down what it is, how to know if you’re displacing your aggression, and healthier, more productive ways we can channel and manage our anger.

Highlights:3:30 What is displaced anger?7:40 How social media inspires mob mentality10:50 How handling our own mental health can make the world a better place12:30 Why you should handle your displaced anger16:00 Solutions to help you handle your displaced aggressionLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

719 Healing Relationships with Couples Therapist Dené Logan

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“When you first meet someone, what you fall in love with is the experience of feeling like you’re being discovered and seen. We can be with someone for a while and we forget that this person just wants someone to be curious about them and bearing witness to their life experience. That’s where the love is. Just make it a sacred practice and a ritual. ” – Dené Logan

Intro

I am so excited to have my new pal, couples therapist and author Dené Logan, on the show to talk about her new book, Sovereign Love: A Guide to Healing Relationships by Reclaiming the Masculine and Feminine Within. 

There’s a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to the masculine and feminine, and Dené does an amazing job of breaking this concept down. 

We also shared our experiences with codependency in relationships and the importance of taking responsibility for our part in things (which includes understanding what activates you and being able to talk about it). 

Dené offered so much wisdom in this conversation and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Highlights:3:17 Dené’s origin story7:20 How Jungian psychology has influenced Dené’s work with couples10:30 Why women can hold a “wounded masculine” energy14:35 How to step back from doing all the things for all the people18:30 Why we create polarity in our relationship dynamics21:50 The challenges with creating secure attachments in relationships29:40 Dené’s most challenging boundary struggle Connect with Dené Logan

Dené Logan is a Marriage and Family Therapist, a group facilitator, and an author based in Los Angeles. In addition to working with clients in private practice, she is a mindfulness coach, a yoga teacher, and specializes in supporting others in showing up more authentically in all of their relationships – including (and perhaps most importantly) in the relationship with themselves.

Dené utilizes her background in depth psychology to infuse archetypes, ritual, and metaphysics into the exploration of how each of us can reclaim the aspects of our authentic selves that we’ve been culturally conditioned to turn away from in an attempt to maintain attachments.

Her first book, Sovereign Love: A Guide to Healing Relationships by Reclaiming the Masculine and Feminine Within, is available now. 

Website: https://denelogan.com

IG: https://instagram.com/dene.logan

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know (Part 2)

Do you ever wonder when it’s appropriate to set a boundary?

Or do you wish you knew what boundaries to set?

Maybe unhealthy behavior was normalized in your family of origin, making it difficult to know when a request is “reasonable.”

If so, this episode is for you. It’s the second in a two-part series about boundaries and high-functioning codependency (HFC). In this one, we’re covering the five types of boundaries, three boundary styles, and tips for when to set a boundary and how to do it.

You can catch Part 1 here, where we covered boundary basics and talked about the unique challenges HFCs have in setting boundaries.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

5 Types of Boundaries

Boundaries fall into five categories: physical, sexual, material, emotional, and mental. Let’s take a look at each one with some examples.

Physical boundaries include your body. You likely have ideas about how close you want someone to stand or sit by you. You may prefer a handshake over a hug, or neither.

We all have our own preferences when it comes to physical boundaries, which is why there are affectionate people who will touch strangers.

You have the right to tell someone, “Hey, you’re standing too close to me. Can you please back up a little?

Sexual boundaries are how you like to be touched sexually, and also include sexting. Or, if you’re in a long-distance relationship, having sex over video.

I often find that my therapy clients meet people who want to be sexual early or flirt sexually. Like, “Was I being a bad boy?” or, “Was that naughty?” 

One of those clients had healthy boundaries and could say, “Too soon for wherever you’re going. That doesn’t work for me.” This is why it’s so important to know your sexual preferences and desires.

Material boundaries are how you like to keep your things, and whether you lend money, your car, clothes, etc.

For example, some people keep their cars pristine while others don’t. Neither is right nor wrong- it’s about how you like it.

But if you prefer to keep your car clean and your cousin wants to borrow it, you need to communicate your preference to your cousin to ensure they don’t return your car littered with fast food wrappers.

As for lending money, my typical advice is don’t. It gets complicated and can be terrible for relationships. If someone owes you $4,000 and they plan a fancy vacation, you’ll probably be pissed. It’s a setup for problems.

If you find it tough to say no when someone is financially in need, here’s an easy script: “I have a no-lending money policy. It’s how I protect my relationships. It’s not personal. It’s just my policy.”

Do you feel guilty for saying no? They’ll likely figure it out by asking someone else.

My policy is that if I can afford it, I will give it, no strings attached. I don’t want any energetic connection to the unpaid money. But if I can’t afford it, then I won’t give it.

Emotional boundaries: HFCs typically struggle the most with emotional boundaries because they’re often empaths. They absorb and feel other people’s emotions. It can be exhausting, especially if they’re also a highly sensitive person.

Because they feel other people’s pain, they might feel responsible for making people happy when they’re in pain. Feeling responsible for how others feel and what they’re experiencing can cause them to get unhealthily tangled up in other people’s lives.

As we discussed in Part 1, auto-advice giving, jumping into ‘fix,’ and auto-accommodating are all disordered boundaries that are bad for our relationships.

The second you think, “I don’t want them to feel” or “I don’t want them to think,” it’s a cue to get back on your side of the street.

How other people feel and what they think is their responsibility, not yours.

Mental boundaries are knowing what you think, who you are, what’s right and wrong, and holding onto your opinion even if you’re talking with people who disagree.

For example, if someone tells an off-color joke that you find offensive, you don’t laugh and go along to get along.

You might hold up a hand and say, “No thanks, not for me. I don’t need any of that.”

3 Boundary Styles: Rigid, Porous, and Healthy

There are three different boundary styles– see which one resonates with you.

Rigid boundaries are hard. If someone hurts your feelings, you may want to cut them off or withdraw in anger to show your displeasure (rather than telling the truth about how you feel). It’s “my way or the highway.” People with rigid boundaries also have a hard time asking for help.

Porous boundaries are too malleable and soft. It’s like having a house with no front door- everyone comes in and out as they please. Those with porous boundaries are the peacekeepers or pushovers.

Healthy boundaries are what we desire. It’s the sweet spot in the middle where you know who you are, and you know, value, and assert your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers.

Not sure which style is yours? Take my boundary quiz. In less than 10 minutes, you’ll have a clearer idea of your boundary archetype. Leave a comment and tell me your result!

When Is It Okay to Set a Boundary?

One of the most common questions I get is when is it okay to set a boundary? Are my needs actually reasonable?

Here’s my two cents: as long as you’re on your side of the street and not using boundaries to control someone, you’re good.

What’s the difference between a boundary request and an attempt to control?

Someone recently told me her boyfriend claimed his boundary was that she needs to call him every hour when she’s out with her friends.

That is not a boundary. That’s someone trying to control you because they feel insecure when you’re out with your friends.

A boundary is something you do for yourself. 

If your partner is insecure and you want to reassure them, you could counter with a boundary like, “I’m not comfortable calling every hour, but I’ll call you when I get there and text you when I’m leaving.”

How Do I Know If I Need a Boundary?

If you’re just starting with boundaries, you may not even know when or where you need them.

One way to gain clarity is to tune in with your body.

Let’s say your coworker interrupts you during a meeting. You might not say anything in the moment, but if you tune in, you may notice tightness in your throat or chest, pain in your head, constriction in your stomach, or a dry mouth.

Our bodies hold so much wisdom; it’s always there for us. The more you know yourself and care about your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers, the easier it is to recognize when someone has crossed your boundaries.

And the more you set and maintain boundaries, the more automatic it becomes.

But in the beginning, it might feel like you’re doing everything after the fact. That’s normal. Speaking up in the moment may feel too threatening, but it’s never too late to set a boundary.

Beyond tuning in with your body, you can also do a quick resentment inventory to narrow down where you might need boundaries. Our resentment can guide us to where we need to set better boundaries.

Download the guide for a resentment inventory. 

Tips for Setting Boundaries as a High-Functioning Codependent

Here are some quick tips on how to begin setting healthy boundaries:

Give yourself 24 hours to make a decision. It’s easier to set a boundary and say no if you haven’t already given an auto-yes. If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to or you’re unsure, buy yourself time and say, “I have a 24-hour decision-making policy. I’ll get back to you in a day.”

Instead of people-pleasing, talk true. Start to look at direct communication as your friend rather than something to be afraid of.

If you’re talking to someone and they suddenly withdraw in anger, instead of acting like it’s okay (knowing it’s not), say, “You seem upset by the comment I just made. What’s going on? Can you tell me what happened?”

Sometimes, just asking the question will help clear the air. And if you’ve been the one keeping unhealthy disordered boundaries going, you need to be the one to clean it up.

Get clear about what’s on your side of the street and what isn’t. Meaning, what’s your responsibility and what’s the other person’s? Many of you are auto-fixers or auto-advice givers, but the truth is, you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s problems and get results for them. It’s like trying to go to the gym to cure someone else’s diabetes. Focus on keeping your eyes on your own paper.

Begin in low-stakes situations. You don’t have to start setting boundaries in your most difficult relationships. Start with people at work, acquaintances, baristas, hairdressers, cashiers, etc.

I’ve also included a bunch of boundary scripts and sentence starters in the guide, because sometimes having the right words in your back pocket can make the process easier.

By the way, if you want more conversations about boundaries, HFCness, effective communication, and relationships, consider joining my membership. We meet four times a month via Zoom for Q&As where I answer your questions, and I’d love to have you.

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

718 Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know (Part 2)

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“There’s so much wisdom in our bodies. It’s always there for us. The more you honour your boundaries, know yourself, and care about your own preferences, desires, limits and dealbreakers, the more easily you’re going to be able to recognize when a boundary has been crossed and the more spontaneously you’re going to be able to manage it.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you ever wonder when it’s appropriate to set a boundary?

Or do you wish you knew what boundaries to set?

Maybe unhealthy behavior was normalized in your family of origin, making it difficult to know when a request is “reasonable.”

If so, this episode is for you. It’s the second in a two-part series about boundaries and high-functioning codependency (HFC). In this one, we’re covering the five types of boundaries, three boundary styles, and tips for when to set a boundary and how to do it.

You can catch Part 1 here, where we covered boundary basics and talked about the unique challenges HFCs have in setting boundaries.

Highlights:4:10 When is it reasonable to set a boundary?5:50 Breaking down the five different types of boundaries12:10 The experience of being a high-functioning codependent and an empath15:00 Are your boundaries too rigid or too malleable?18:00 Some personal policies that will help you set better boundariesLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

717 Creating Rich Relationships with Selena Soo

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“Every single problem that we have in life, every challenge, every struggle, can be alleviated through a rich relationship.” – Selena Soo

Intro

I am so excited to have Selena Soo, my pal and publicity & marketing strategist, on the show to talk about her new book, Rich Relationships: Create a Million Dollar Network For Your Small Business. These tips apply to ALL our relationships, too!

Selena was the person I turned to in the very beginning stages of my online business, and her advice changed the way I looked at building professional relationships. I can’t wait for you to hear her wisdom and start applying it! She shared the 5 types of rich relationships entrepreneurs need and the 6 circles of connection framework that we can use to help us navigate relationships without resentment.

Selena is also offering the first 4 chapters of the book for free: https://richrelationshipsbook.com/terricole PLUS relationship building scripts and a chance to win $1,000!

Highlights:3:00 The advice from Selena that shaped my career6:00 Why now is the time for Selena’s new book, Rich Relationships11:10 The five types of relationships that every entrepreneur needs16:20 Three different types of givers18:35 Selena’s origin story 21:10 The six circles of connection: Manage your network without burning out26:00 Beginning your network as an introvert30:00 How to be of service: Identifying golden moments to help othersConnect with Selena Soo

Selena Soo is a 7-figure business mentor who helps experts and authors reach millions with their message. Through dozens of multi-6 figure and 7 figure launches, Selena has generated over $13 million in revenue in her first 10 years of business. She has also built more than 400 affiliate and referral partnerships.

An expert in publicity, Selena has helped thousands of entrepreneurs land media in places that include O, The Oprah Magazine, Forbes, Business Insider, and The Drew Barrymore Show.

A former New Yorker, Selena is living her dream life in sunny Puerto Rico.

Website: https://selenasoo.com
Book: https://richrelationshipsbook.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know

Do you struggle with setting boundaries because it feels selfish or wrong to put your preferences or needs first?

Do you inadvertently trample on other people’s boundaries? (Hyper-helping, auto-advice giving, etc.)

Or are you a newly identified high-functioning codependent (HFC) wondering why it’s especially tough to set boundaries?

Then you’re in the right place. In this episode, I am breaking down why it’s challenging to set, stick to, and respect other people’s boundaries, particularly as HFCs.

This is part one, and in part two (coming next week), we’ll cover boundary scripts and the different types of boundaries you might want to consider setting.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Are Boundaries?

Even though I’ve spent years talking about boundaries (and wrote a whole book about them), personal boundaries are still a massively misunderstood concept.

Here’s a simple way to think about boundaries: they’re your personal rules of engagement and let other people know what is okay and not okay with you.

Your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers make up your boundaries. They’re what make you uniquely you.

I also love this quote from my friend Dr. Alexandra Solomon: “Your boundary is the amount you can give with a regulated nervous system.” Truth!

There are five types of boundaries: physical, emotional, mental, material, and sexual. We’ll dive deeper into these in part two, but these are the general areas of our lives where we want to consider our boundaries.

High-Functioning Codependency, Defined

So why does being an HFC complicate our relationship to setting and maintaining boundaries?

First, let’s define high-functioning codependency.

It means you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

It might be your psychological or your financial well-being, because as HFCs, we might give people money we can’t afford to give.

If you say “I got it!”, “I’m the only one who can do it,” or “I have to be the one to do it,” you’re likely an HFC.

Download the guide for an HFC assessment to help you recognize any HFC tendencies you may have, as well as questions to help you get clear on how you relate to boundaries.

The Intersection of Codependency and Boundaries

Disordered boundaries are the foundation of any type of codependent relationship, whether it’s the garden variety or high-functioning codependency.

Codependency is a relational issue- it’s about how you relate to others and yourself.

At the core of codependent behavior is a covert or overt bid, attempt, or desire to control other people’s outcomes, which can lead us to overstep boundaries.

Additionally, as HFCs, we were likely raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents. Setting boundaries might seem selfish, or you may have bought into the myth that you need to be inconsiderate or mean to set a boundary.

From 27 years of being a psychotherapist, I can tell you that boundaries are truly a bridge to healthy relationships and better self-esteem, mental health, and physical health.

Boundaries are not blocks; they’re a bridge to greater intimacy in our relationships. Telling the truth about your limits, preferences, and desires lets people in your life know who you are.

HFCs go through life on autopilot, constantly doing and making sure everyone has what they need.

When they do that, do you think they’re being authentic or vulnerable? Are they telling the truth about what they think, want, or feel?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

How can people know us if we don’t let them know us?

We don’t do this intentionally. I didn’t purposely withhold myself from others in my 20s when I was an active HFC. I just didn’t know how to get off the hamster wheel of being of service, of what I thought was being loving and giving.

In hindsight, a lot of it had to do with wanting control.

Whenever the excuse I don’t want them to think or I don’t want them to feel pops up, you’re on someone else’s side of the street and need to back up.

As HFCs, it’s common to be dialed into what we think other people think and feel. But most of the time, it’s a projection, and this over-investment in others takes us away from healthily relating to ourselves.

Traits of High-Functioning Codependency + Disordered Boundaries

The root of HFCs’ difficulty with boundaries is their outward focus. They put others above themselves to the point where they’re not in touch with their own needs.

If you had asked me at 26 what I needed or wanted, I probably would have said for everyone to be happy. Back then, I didn’t want any problems or conflict. But that’s not the same as knowing what I truly needed.

HFCs are also in the habit of self-sacrificing and minimizing disappointments to avoid making a “big deal” out of things. As a result, they’re less likely to talk true.

Most of us didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled for us. We had no idea what they were because no one taught us! What we did learn was that being nice, agreeable, and helpful were socially sanctioned behaviors.

On the other side of the equation, HFCs may struggle to accept other people’s boundaries because in making sure everyone is happy, they make assumptions about what other people want or need. They don’t see this behavior as disrespectful because they think they’re helping.

But if someone hasn’t asked you for help, or doesn’t want you to help…are you genuinely helping? Or are you just doing what you want to do?

The following behaviors are all HFC traits and examples of disordered boundaries:

Over-givingAlways feeling like you need to fix other people’s problemsAuto-advice givingAuto-accommodating Being overly self-sacrificing and self-abandoning

A note about the last point: Years ago, I remember telling my therapist that I couldn’t believe a friend was asking something of me after all I had done for her. How entitled!

She said, “Is she being entitled, or are you serving yourself up on a silver platter? You’re not saying no or telling the truth about your limits, and yet you’re pissed about her asking. People can and will ask you to do the most ridiculous things. Takers are going to take, and givers are going to give.

“Don’t get caught up in the wrong part of the equation. ‘Why would someone ask me to do this?’ is the wrong question to ask. Who cares? The only question is, if you don’t want to do it, will you assert the truth about how you don’t want to do it?”

Part of getting healthy and being more psychologically and mentally well is knowing what questions are ours to answer. Why someone else is doing something is not one of them. What am I going to do? Is.

The over- and under-functioning dynamic with HFCs also creates disordered boundaries in relationships.

Things get uneven if you constantly say, “I got it, don’t worry, I’ll do it,” and this creates resentment for both people.

The person who doesn’t get to do anything may feel managed (and resentful), or they might love it, causing you to become resentful.

You cannot be a recovering HFC without first being a boundary boss.

A Note on Starting to Set Boundaries

When you begin setting boundaries with people, some folks may react poorly.

That’s okay.

Part of being in recovery as an HFC is realizing that other people’s responses and reactions are their own and are not yours to manage.

It’s never too late to become a boundary boss, no matter where you are on your journey.

If you’re a boundary disaster or just now realizing you’re an HFC, welcome! You’re in the right place. You can always go from where you are to somewhere better, no matter your age.

No judgment. This is all learned behavior, which means you can unlearn it. You just need the desire. I’ll provide (and am providing!) the books, videos, and tools you need.

Anything worth learning takes time and concentrated effort, but I got you.

If you had any epiphanies while reading this, amazing! Please share them in the comments. But there’s more to go, so remember to download the guide, which will have questions to help you gain clarity on your unique relationship to boundaries.

And if you want to continue the conversation, consider joining my membership. We meet four times a month via Zoom for Q&As where I answer your questions, and I’d love to have you.

Keep an eye out for part two coming next week, and as always, take care of you.