Terri Cole's Blog, page 10

711 Upending Silence, Stigma, and Shame with Dr. Jessica Zucker



Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“And that’s the thing about shame– It makes people hide in their own little corners, thinking they’re so alone. The community is right there, but we feel like somehow we just can’t reach them.” – Dr. Jessica Zucker

Intro

I’m so excited to have Dr. Jessica Zucker, author of I HAD A MISCARRIAGE: A Memoir, a Movement, on the show to talk about her new book, NORMALIZE IT: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame That Shape Women’s Lives. 

We talked about the “cult of shame” that women are indoctrinated into, from getting your period, to having a miscarriage, to going into perimenopause or menopause: all the things we’re not ‘supposed’ to talk about as women!

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did and are inspired to think about what shame you’re holding and how you might acknowledge and honor it.

Highlights:2:45 Jessica’s origin story10:30 The inspiration behind Jessica’s newest book, Normalize It: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame that Shape Women’s Lives20:00 Making the choice to reject invisibility as older women24:00 Aging on your own terms26:00 Recognizing the value of your experience without comparing it to others’29:15 The isolating effect of shame35:30 Jessica’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Dr. Jessica Zucker

Jessica Zucker is a Los Angeles-based psychologist specializing in reproductive health and the author of the award-winning book I HAD A MISCARRIAGE: A Memoir, a Movement. Jessica is the creator of the viral #IHadaMiscarriage campaign. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, Vogue, and Harvard Business Review, among others. She’s been featured on NPR, The Today Show, and Good Morning America and earned advanced degrees from New York University and Harvard University. Her newest book is NORMALIZE IT: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame That Shape Women’s Lives.

IG: https://instagram.com/ihadamiscarriage

Website: https://drjessicazucker.com

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

710 The Power of Ritual and Celebration With Amber Salisbury

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Ceremony and ritual is a boundary. It’s a time and space that we carve out for ourselves that belongs only to us and anyone else we choose to invite in.” – Amber Salisbury

Intro

I’m so happy to have Amber Salisbury on the show for an inspiring conversation that you might want to listen to with a cup of coffee in hand!

Amber and her husband Andrew founded Purity Coffee in 2016 with the goal of creating healthy coffee you can feel good about drinking, and Amber has also founded Sacred Cups to honor rituals around coffee. 

She shares a ritual with us later in the conversation and also how her many varied life experiences brought her here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and as a gift, if you head to puritycoffee.com/terricole and use code “terricole” you get 30% off your first order until May 15, 2025.

Highlights:4:10 Amber’s origin story as a celebrant, anthropologist, and end-of-life doula10:20 Coping with end-of-life instead of denying it13:20 How many cultures around the world infuse coffee with meaning and connection with coffee rituals19:00 The story behind Purity Coffee11:25 What are Sacred Cups?26:00 Creating a ritual around coffee31:20 An example ritual for you to make your own38:20 Amber’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Amber Salisbury

From an early age, Amber’s life has been marked by a deep fascination with people, their stories, and the rituals that shape their lives. Her unique exposure to diverse cultures began in her childhood, having lived in India, Sri Lanka, and the hills of Tennessee. This fostered her curiosity about human history and the intricacies of different societies, which she further explored through her studies in psychology, sociology, and anthropology.

In 2016, Amber co-founded Purity Coffee with her husband Andrew. Purity Coffee is dedicated to producing the highest quality coffee with a focus on health benefits, ensuring every decision is based on health, scientific research and sustainability.

Amber’s personal journey from her childhood celebrations to a deep connection with indigenous rituals is reflected in Sacred Cups mission to celebrate and honor the human experience. Through Sacred Cups, she continues to make a meaningful impact on the world.

Website: https://puritycoffee.com & https://sacredcups.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

How Manipulators + Narcissists Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Control You

How manipulatable are you?

When someone is using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control you, do you recognize it, or not?

If not, or you’ve never heard of FOG, you’re in the right place. This episode is all about the FOG technique, commonly used by narcissists and others to manipulate people to do what they want at all costs. I’m breaking down what it is and sharing real-life examples from my therapy practice to help you become less susceptible.

Note: the purpose of this episode is to educate you on how people will try to manipulate you, not to make diagnoses. People using one of these tactics in isolation (like guilt) does not automatically make them narcissists.

https://youtu.be/gvWT7Cd3r1A

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

How Manipulatable Are You?

In my younger life, I spent many years in denial about the truth of how manipulative people could be because it was painful.

I also fell into the category of positive projection, which is important to be aware of in the context of manipulation.

Positive projection is when we assume other people are like us and share our same morals, values, and ethics, even though we don’t have any proof that they do. We just project our own positive traits onto them.

Can you see how this might make someone more susceptible to manipulation?

When you’re a decent person, it’s easy to fall for manipulative people because you’re more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. Positive projection makes us vulnerable to manipulators because it doesn’t cross our minds to act manipulatively.

What is FOG?

The FOG acronym was coined by Dr. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their book, Emotional Blackmail.¹

It was originally used to describe the foggy feeling we often get when in a relationship with someone who suffers from an untreated personality disorder or is a narcissist.

Manipulators and narcissists use the FOG technique to control and maintain dominance in their relationships.

Here’s how they do it:

Fear: The manipulative person may instill a fear of abandonment by threatening social isolation or retaliation. By saying things like, “What will other people think?” the partner may hesitate to leave or set boundaries.

Obligation: When someone is masterful at employing the FOG technique, they exploit your sense of responsibility and duty. Narcissists are especially skilled at flipping the script. You might raise a complaint and somehow find yourself apologizing by the end, wondering how the heck that happened.

They also justify their demands and normalize them by bringing other people into it: “Everyone does this!”

Guilt: Manipulative people may try to guilt-trip their partners into staying, even if the partner no longer loves them and wants to leave, especially if the narcissist is still getting something from them (like supply).

They may also try making you feel responsible for their actions or emotions, even when you’re not at fault. It’s the classic, “If you hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have done Y.” “You made me act badly.” This is BS- no one makes anyone do anything.

Real-Life Examples of FOG Being Used

To give you a deeper understanding of how fear, obligation, and guilt are used, here are real-life examples I’ve seen from my therapy practice.

I once had a client whose husband said, “I will kill myself if you ever leave.”

This is heavy to carry and people often wonder, what if they follow through?

The reality is you aren’t responsible for their choice.

I’ve heard lots of stories of mom guilt from clients, too. “If you don’t spend Christmas week at the family house, then you don’t love me.”

Or a father saying, “You’re killing your mother because you won’t do this. Don’t you know she has high blood pressure and this is causing her so much stress? Why can’t you do this for her? It’s not that big of a deal.”

I also had a client whose husband was super manipulative and would say things like, “Listen…I wasn’t going to say anything, but Bob also told me he was worried about you and thinks you’ve gone off the rails.” This is using fake concern meant to instill shame, fear, and insecurity in you.

Similarly, I had a client who left a very religious sect in a small town, and whenever she saw people from the church, they’d say, “How are you? We’re praying for you.” Again, fake concern. They’re really saying we disapprove of your choices and using disapproval to manipulate.

As I mentioned before, flipping the script is another common manipulation tactic where the person flips your words into something else, saying you meant X by saying Y, even though you never said X. You may find yourself apologizing to de-escalate the conflict while your initial concern goes unaddressed. This confusion literally creates a fog.

How Fear Impacts Us

When you fear the person you’re with, you’re psychologically at a disadvantage.

You stop bringing things up with them, knowing they’ll get mad or jealous, and your life becomes smaller as a result.

Living with someone using the FOG technique can impact your long-term health, too. Fear is the same as anxiety. They both produce the same stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline), which have a physical impact on top of the psychological impact it has.

That’s why it’s important to raise your awareness around this manipulation technique. Inside the guide, I’ve included questions for you to answer to evaluate your relationships for manipulative behavior.

Follow These Steps to Protect Yourself From FOG

You don’t need to participate in the FOG dynamic. You can change your experience by changing your situation.

First, learn everything you can learn about the personality disorder you believe the person using the FOG technique has. This will increase your understanding and awareness and make you less susceptible to their manipulation.

Second, get support. Manipulation becomes much easier to navigate when you don’t feel isolated. I have a beautiful community full of like-hearted women who meet weekly for a Q&A call where I answer questions. You can join and get all the details here.

Third, create better boundaries- emotionally, and internally. Boundaries create protection and serve as a reminder that you can empower yourself.

Fourth, when getting into new relationships, slow it down and let people reveal themselves over time.

You don’t need to make negative assumptions or be paranoid, but slowing down can help avoid positive projection and ensure what you know about someone is based on the reality of what they’ve shown you. Remember, not everyone is like you or has your good qualities.

Narcissists also use love bombing and future pacing to make us think they’re serious about us, but it’s actually a red flag to watch out for. If someone invites you to a wedding taking place in five months after dating for three weeks, you probably want to pump the brakes.

Lastly, if the situation you’re in is abusive, please create a plan to get out safely. I have a whole blog post outlining how you can do so here, but it’s critical not to reveal your cards or talk about any plans to leave with the abusive person. Your safety is the top priority.

I hope this episode was helpful and raised your awareness around the FOG technique, making you less susceptible to it. Download the guide and run through the questions to ensure you’re not experiencing manipulation from anyone in your life. And if you are, please seek support and know that the Terri Cole Membership is a soft place to land.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

709 How Manipulators + Narcissists Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Control You

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Just let people reveal – Because they will reveal themselves in time. Let what you know about people be based in the reality of what they show you.” – Terri Cole

Intro

How manipulatable are you?

When someone is using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control you, do you recognize it, or not?

If not, or you’ve never heard of FOG, you’re in the right place. This episode is all about the FOG technique, commonly used by narcissists and others to manipulate people to do what they want at all costs. I’m breaking down what it is and sharing real-life examples from my therapy practice to help you become less susceptible. 

Note: the purpose of this episode is to educate you on how people will try to manipulate you, not to make diagnoses. People using one of these tactics in isolation (like guilt) does not automatically make them narcissists.

Highlights:4:30 What does it feel like for you to feel like you’re tolerating something?7:50 How putting up with things depletes our energy10:20 Tricks to de-clutter and stop holding on to things you don’t want12:00 How self-numbing and addiction can come from tolerating things16:00 Facing your fears to stop tolerating things that don’t serve youLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

708 Curb Your People Pleasing with Amy Wilson

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“As any person with a long list will tell you, the more efficiently you move through your list, the more stuff there will be on your list.” – Amy Wilson

Intro

I am so excited to have podcaster, actor, and author Amy Wilson on the show to talk about her newest book, Happy to Help: Adventures of a People Pleaser. I felt seen by Amy’s essays and reflections, and I think you will, too.

We talked about so much– Amy’s early introduction to putting others first by caring for her younger siblings, why modern productivity advice often just makes us feel bad, Amy’s views on perfectionism, saying no and feeling scared, the freedom in saying “it’s not for me,” and the importance of being present. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:2:30 Amy’s origin story5:00 How Amy was conditioned to help others before herself7:40 The differences (or lack thereof!) between women and men when it comes to multitasking9:50 Amy’s experience meeting fans of her podcast in real life11:45 Letting perfectionism define the self16:00 Over-functioning in a family system17:20 How Amy learned to curb her overfunctioning 27:10 Reframing productivity31:45 Amy’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Amy Wilson

Amy Wilson is the author of the memoir When Did I Get Like This? and her latest book, Happy to Help. Since 2016 she has been the co-host of the Webby-honored podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood.

Amy is also an actor who appeared on Broadway and as a series regular on TV sitcoms. She lives with her family in New York City. 

Website: https://amywilson.com

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

What Are You Tolerating? How to Identify What’s Draining You

Have you ever wondered why you feel so drained? Have you ever considered that it might be connected to what you’re tolerating?

Whether it’s a cluttered office space, a messy car, a side table overflowing with paperwork, or something bigger like a one-sided relationship or ineffective communication with your partner, what you’re putting up with could be exhausting you more than you think.

So…what are you consistently putting up with that gets on your nerves or depletes you?

In this episode, we’re looking at what we’re tolerating in life because we’re not always aware of the things we put up with that make us low-grade aggravated and drained.

I hope you’ll leave with more awareness around what you’re putting up with and feel inspired to stop settling and make changes for a more fulfilling life.

https://youtu.be/zlosCdLD4Yw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

We Learn to Tolerate Early On

You’re probably tolerating more than you know.

Those of us raised as women, and especially those of us who identify as high-functioning codependents, learned how to tolerate a lot growing up.

We tend to accept, put up with, and be weighed down by others’ behavior – their bad boundaries, entitlement, unmet needs, incompleteness, problems, and frustrations.

Even if you make tolerating look easy-breezy (which high-functioning codependents do!), eventually, it takes a toll on you.

We often tolerate our own bad behavior, too, like unhealthy habits we say we’ll change, limiting beliefs, or remaining in not-so-great situations and settling for less.

What Are You Tolerating?

Think about what you’re currently tolerating in life, big or small, recurring or new.

Some small examples include:

A cluttered closetA messy roomA harsh lightA leaky faucet or running toilet

You might make note of these things every time you come across them, too. Ugh, this light is too bright. My desk is such a mess. I need to clean my car…and yet, you don’t take action.

No judgment. I’m guilty of it, too! But it’s tiring, right?

Bigger things we might be tolerating are:

A crappy relationshipA low-paying or dead-end jobBad boundaries from other peopleA boundary bully or narcissistA one-sided friendshipIneffective communication with your partner or family

Think about all areas of your life…what are you putting up with?

For help, download the guide for a step-by-step process to go through each area of your life and identify what you’re tolerating.

We Lose Energy When We Put Up With Stuff

When my office is messy, it’s depleting.

While I do my best to keep it well-kept, interviewing authors on my podcast results in piles of books everywhere.

Every time I see these piles (we’re talking hundreds of times), I think, I need to figure out what to do with them!

These book piles serve as a constant reminder that I need to clean and make me feel noticeably drained. When I eventually organize things, the difference is clear. I walk into my office and say, I love this room and how open and airy it feels! 

That’s all the evidence I need to know I’m profoundly affected by what I’m tolerating in my space. (If you’re highly sensitive, you might be, too!)

And yet, even after almost 30 years as a therapist, I still don’t clean up the second I’m aware of the clutter. Trust me, there’s no judgment here. This is just part of the human condition.

Do You Need to Let Go of Things?

Speaking of clutter, how many near-empty bottles of lotion, shower gel, or perfume are lying around your place?

Just get rid of them.

Do your best not to be wasteful, but if you haven’t touched them in months, chuck them. (In the case of shower gel, put water in there to finish it!)

Use Marie Kondo’s method and ask yourself what in your space sparks joy. Put anything that doesn’t spark joy in a giveaway or “get rid of” pile.

I know it can be hard to part with things. I can’t stand the thought of something good going into a landfill, so I’ll donate it to Goodwill. It makes me feel better knowing it’ll go to someone who will use it.

Do you tend to hold onto things or feel guilty about decluttering? Download the guide for a few journal prompts to explore why.

We all have our psychological reasons for holding onto things, and we also have reasons for why we continue to tolerate stuff. Let’s look at a few examples.

Why Do We Put Up With Crap?

During the pandemic, many of my therapy clients got into self-numbing behaviors. One in particular wanted to stop drinking so much alcohol and committed to only drinking on the weekends.

When three weeks went by with her continuing to drink almost daily, I knew we needed to uncover the secondary gain, the unobvious benefit my client was getting from doing something that wasn’t great for her.

When I asked her, “What do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by drinking every night?” she immediately responded, “That my marriage is over.”

Another client of mine was continuing to have sex with her ex even though it made her feel bad. When I asked why, she said, “At least I know them.”

Again, I used the secondary gain question: what do you get to not face, not feel, or not experience by continuing to have sex with your ex?

She replied, “I don’t have to be vulnerable with new people or get out of my comfort zone.”

She found putting herself out there scarier than staying in the familiar, even though she knew it wasn’t what she wanted.

In both of these examples, my clients were tolerating their unwanted behavior out of fear.

Secondary gain can be sneaky, so I’ve included this question in the guide, which you can download here.

Instead of Settling, Do This

The first step to change is identifying what you’re putting up with in your life, because it makes you acknowledge the truth.

The second step is facing the fears you might have around making changes.

It’s okay to be afraid! Fear doesn’t have to stop you from making changes, but you can’t stay in denial. Focus on the strategic moves you can make to prepare.

For example, let’s say you want to make a career move, but you’re afraid of the financial consequences. Begin saving money with the specific intention of using it to bridge the gap between leaving your current job and starting a new one.

I also invite you to challenge the smallness of your dreams.

Many years ago, I attended a small group event with Deepak Chopra, and he asked a question that changed the trajectory of my life: “If money, time, and failure were no object, what would you spend your time doing?”

I realized I didn’t want to continue being a talent agent, but I was afraid to switch jobs. I had spent 10 years building a prestigious, lucrative career. I was scared of not being masterful and making less money.

Yet, the answer to what lights me up? was helping people, not negotiating contracts for models as a talent agent.

After this realization, I went back to school to become a psychotherapist, graduated from NYU, and opened a successful private practice, but I had to overcome my limiting beliefs first.

It didn’t stop there, either. In the last 10 years I’ve written three books, published over 700 podcast episodes, been a guest on hundreds of podcasts, built life-changing courses, cultivated a sacred container of growth within my mastermind, and created a membership full of beautiful, like-hearted women (which I’d love for you to join- details here!).

All because my dharma is helping others and making mental health more accessible, and because I didn’t let fear hold me back.

I hope this episode inspires you to stop putting up with whatever you’re tolerating and to dream big. Let me know if it did by leaving a comment, tagging me in your Instagram stories (@terricole), or dropping a note wherever you listen to the pod.

Remember, download the guide for prompts to explore and identify what you’re tolerating so you can make the changes you need to feel freer and lighter.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

707 What Are You Tolerating? How to Identify What’s Draining You

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“What we’re putting up with is exhausting us. It’s depleting our energy.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Have you ever wondered whether you feel drained because of what you’re tolerating in life?

Whether it’s a cluttered office space, messy car, side table overflowing with paperwork, or something bigger like a one-sided relationship or ineffective communication with your partner, what you’re putting up with could be exhausting you more than you think.

So…what are you consistently putting up with that gets on your nerves or depletes you?

In this episode, we’re looking at what we’re tolerating in life– because we’re not always aware of the things we put up with that make us low-grade aggravated and drained.

I hope you’ll leave with more awareness around what you’re putting up with and feel inspired to stop settling and make changes for a more fulfilling life.

Highlights:4:30 What does it feel like for you to feel like you’re tolerating something?7:50 How putting up with things depletes our energy10:20 Tricks to de-clutter and stop holding on to things you don’t want12:00 How self-numbing and addiction can come from tolerating things16:00 Facing your fears to stop tolerating things that don’t serve youLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

706 Master Your Money with Kate Northrup

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Once we have our basic needs met, more money doesn’t solve our money stress. Because money stress is actually happening inside of us, not in our external reality. It’s the meaning we make of money that causes the stress.” – Kate Northrup

Intro

Today I’m so excited to have my friend, money expert Kate Northrup, on the show again. We chat about the relatively new relationship that women have with money, common blocks women have around money, and how you can improve your relationship with your finances. Plus: How creating a feeling of safety in your body can help you make smarter money choices!

To sign up for Kate’s free three-day money workshop we mentioned in today’s episode, visit terricole.com/money

Highlights:3:40 Kate’s origin story around abundance and finances8:00 Why women have a unique relationship with money9:25 The blocks women often have around money15:40 How to improve your relationship with money– Safety first!Connect with Kate Northrup

Kate Northrup uses a neuroscience-based method to help people heal their relationships with money. She’s the author of the bestsellers Money: A Love Story and Do Less, and the host of the top-ranking podcast Plenty. Her work has been featured by The NYTimes, Oprah Daily, The Today Show, Glamour, Harvard Business Review, and more. She lives with her husband/business partner and daughters in Miami.

Website: https://katenorthrup.com

IG: https://instagram.com/katenorthrup

Free three-day money workshop: https://terricole.com/money

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Reignite Your Curiosity For A More Satisfying Life – Here’s How

How curious are you?

Are you as curious as you used to be in your 20s when you were having new experiences more often?

Or have you become complacent with curiosity or too busy to cultivate it?

It recently struck me how important curiosity is to me. My husband, Vic, is the most curious person I know, and my friends are often original thinkers who enjoy questioning conventional wisdom, which I love.

Stoking curiosity also makes life more juicy and satisfying, which is why this episode is all about the different ways in which we can curate more of it.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is A Sapiophile?

At a conference about erotic intelligence, I was telling my pal Dr. Alexandra Solomon how one of the most attractive things about Vic is his curious mind.

She commented that I was a sapiophile, which is someone who is attracted to people who are curious and creative.

Sapio-sexuality is a term used to describe people who are sexually attracted to intelligence, too.

I think I’m both! What about you?

Alexandra’s comment got me thinking about curiosity and why I value it. So, let’s break it down.

Curiosity Can Fluctuate With Age

When was the last time you experienced something new?

As teens and young adults, nearly everything is new. We experience many ‘firsts’ that naturally keep us curious.

But as we age, it’s easy to become habitual and stay in what’s familiar. (For example, having a favorite spot at your exercise class or constantly going to the same place for Taco Tuesdays.)

It’s human to like the familiar, so we have to work a little harder to stoke the curious part of our nature.

Since curiosity can serve as the fuel to do new things, it’s essential to cultivate it intentionally, even for those of us who are naturally curious!

I don’t know about you, but I want to keep life interesting, and curiosity is integral to that.

When you become more curious, you approach things with a desire to see them from a different perspective. You consciously seek to learn new things by exploring, meeting new people, and having a genuine interest in them. More possibilities open up, making life feel more adventurous.

Cultivating Curiosity as a High-Functioning Codependent

I wrote about this in Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, but when you’re a high-functioning codependent, you’re often a bit of a know-it-all. (I’m not judging- I’m in recovery myself!)

We’re less curious and more into telling people what we think they should do. “I have a great idea for you!” 

Flexing your curiosity muscle in a conversation helps you become an active listener rather than someone looking for an opening to jump in and tell their story or offer a solution.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to relate to the other person. It’s in our nature. But asking questions first and creating space for them to answer helps deepen the intimacy in our relationships.

As high-functioning codependents, we can also stoke curiosity by challenging our assumptions.

I say this as the queen of assuming, and it has been amazing to see how much things change when I question my assumptions.

We all tend toward confirmation bias, where we see things as we think they already are. But it’s more interesting to challenge our assumptions. Maybe we’re wrong about something or someone, and learn something new.

Consider that things might be different than you think.

It helps to self-reflect, too. Get radically curious about why you respond the way you do in certain situations and why you have certain thoughts.

Be Mindful of What You Consume

Is what you’re watching, reading, or listening to making you more curious? Are you learning something new? Or is it harming your nervous system?

A great way to stoke curiosity is to get interested in how things are created.

Vic and I recently watched Shōgun, which was fantastic. Wanting to know how it was made, how authentic it was, and how it was received in Japan, we watched all the “making of” and behind-the-scenes videos we could find.

Similar to watching behind-the-scenes, you could also go down a research rabbit hole if what you’re consuming is historical or based on a true story.

After listening to Sharon McMahon’s book, The Small and the Mighty, about 12 lesser-known people who made a big difference in the 1800s suffrage movement and beyond, I did a deep dive into everyone mentioned.

If you haven’t read, watched, or listened to anything lately and you’re unsure what interests you, download the guide for this episode. Your life is a roadmap of what interests you and the questions in the guide will help you decode it.

Listen Actively + With Less Judgment.

Part of being curious is being a good listener, or what I call an athletic listener, where you are actively paying attention to what someone else is saying without judgment.

Many of us get so attached to our judgments and opinions that they become part of our identity when they really aren’t.

This is called yum-yucking (which I talked about in Too Much), and it sounds like, “I don’t know why someone would wear that with that. It doesn’t match.” “Did you see the new house they bought? It’s not my style.” “I just don’t like that.”

Yum-yucking functions like a defense mechanism, often making us feel secure in an incredibly uncertain world due to its black-and-white nature.

But as my mentor and soul brother davidji would say, the only thing we can count on is that everything will change.

Change Your Perspective

Learning to see things from another perspective and putting yourself in someone else’s shoes can also spark curiosity.

I learned a great exercise at The Chopra Center years ago. They made us think about a conflict we had with someone where we were absolutely sure we were in the right, and they were in the wrong. Someone interviews you (as if they were a journalist) and asks you what happened.

Then you have to imagine the other person getting interviewed, which makes you think about how they experienced the incident.

I focused on a conflict I had with my closest sister, and this exercise allowed me to see how the issue wasn’t as cut and dry as me being the victim and her being a jerk.

I hope this inspired you to curate more curiosity in your life, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. Leave a comment, tag me in your stories on Instagram (@terricole), or drop a note wherever you listen to the pod.

Remember to download the guide for all my ideas on how to curate curiosity and figure out what interests you!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Want to be in a community of like-minded, curious seekers? Check out my membership, where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month and answer your questions. Get all the details here.

705 Reignite Your Curiosity For A More Satisfying Life – Here’s How!

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“What if we could try to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes? Why do they believe what they believe?” – Terri Cole

Intro

How curious are you?

Are you as curious as you used to be in your 20s when you were having new experiences more often?

Or have you become complacent with curiosity or too busy to cultivate it?

It recently struck me how important curiosity is to me. My husband, Vic, is the most curious person I know, and my friends are often original thinkers who enjoy questioning conventional wisdom, which I love.

Stoking curiosity also makes life more juicy and satisfying, which is why this episode is all about the different ways in which we can curate more of it.

Highlights:5:00 How curiosity usually changes as we age8:10 What it means to be truly curious in a conversation11:00 Do a deep dive into a topic that interests you12:45 Listen athletically and avoid judgement15:15 Seek out lots of information and embrace the unknownLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Here’s the book I mentioned in today’s episode by Sharon McMahon: The Small and the Mighty

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?