Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know

Do you struggle with setting boundaries because it feels selfish or wrong to put your preferences or needs first?

Do you inadvertently trample on other people’s boundaries? (Hyper-helping, auto-advice giving, etc.)

Or are you a newly identified high-functioning codependent (HFC) wondering why it’s especially tough to set boundaries?

Then you’re in the right place. In this episode, I am breaking down why it’s challenging to set, stick to, and respect other people’s boundaries, particularly as HFCs.

This is part one, and in part two (coming next week), we’ll cover boundary scripts and the different types of boundaries you might want to consider setting.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Are Boundaries?

Even though I’ve spent years talking about boundaries (and wrote a whole book about them), personal boundaries are still a massively misunderstood concept.

Here’s a simple way to think about boundaries: they’re your personal rules of engagement and let other people know what is okay and not okay with you.

Your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers make up your boundaries. They’re what make you uniquely you.

I also love this quote from my friend Dr. Alexandra Solomon: “Your boundary is the amount you can give with a regulated nervous system.” Truth!

There are five types of boundaries: physical, emotional, mental, material, and sexual. We’ll dive deeper into these in part two, but these are the general areas of our lives where we want to consider our boundaries.

High-Functioning Codependency, Defined

So why does being an HFC complicate our relationship to setting and maintaining boundaries?

First, let’s define high-functioning codependency.

It means you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

It might be your psychological or your financial well-being, because as HFCs, we might give people money we can’t afford to give.

If you say “I got it!”, “I’m the only one who can do it,” or “I have to be the one to do it,” you’re likely an HFC.

Download the guide for an HFC assessment to help you recognize any HFC tendencies you may have, as well as questions to help you get clear on how you relate to boundaries.

The Intersection of Codependency and Boundaries

Disordered boundaries are the foundation of any type of codependent relationship, whether it’s the garden variety or high-functioning codependency.

Codependency is a relational issue- it’s about how you relate to others and yourself.

At the core of codependent behavior is a covert or overt bid, attempt, or desire to control other people’s outcomes, which can lead us to overstep boundaries.

Additionally, as HFCs, we were likely raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents. Setting boundaries might seem selfish, or you may have bought into the myth that you need to be inconsiderate or mean to set a boundary.

From 27 years of being a psychotherapist, I can tell you that boundaries are truly a bridge to healthy relationships and better self-esteem, mental health, and physical health.

Boundaries are not blocks; they’re a bridge to greater intimacy in our relationships. Telling the truth about your limits, preferences, and desires lets people in your life know who you are.

HFCs go through life on autopilot, constantly doing and making sure everyone has what they need.

When they do that, do you think they’re being authentic or vulnerable? Are they telling the truth about what they think, want, or feel?

Most of the time, the answer is no.

How can people know us if we don’t let them know us?

We don’t do this intentionally. I didn’t purposely withhold myself from others in my 20s when I was an active HFC. I just didn’t know how to get off the hamster wheel of being of service, of what I thought was being loving and giving.

In hindsight, a lot of it had to do with wanting control.

Whenever the excuse I don’t want them to think or I don’t want them to feel pops up, you’re on someone else’s side of the street and need to back up.

As HFCs, it’s common to be dialed into what we think other people think and feel. But most of the time, it’s a projection, and this over-investment in others takes us away from healthily relating to ourselves.

Traits of High-Functioning Codependency + Disordered Boundaries

The root of HFCs’ difficulty with boundaries is their outward focus. They put others above themselves to the point where they’re not in touch with their own needs.

If you had asked me at 26 what I needed or wanted, I probably would have said for everyone to be happy. Back then, I didn’t want any problems or conflict. But that’s not the same as knowing what I truly needed.

HFCs are also in the habit of self-sacrificing and minimizing disappointments to avoid making a “big deal” out of things. As a result, they’re less likely to talk true.

Most of us didn’t have healthy boundaries modeled for us. We had no idea what they were because no one taught us! What we did learn was that being nice, agreeable, and helpful were socially sanctioned behaviors.

On the other side of the equation, HFCs may struggle to accept other people’s boundaries because in making sure everyone is happy, they make assumptions about what other people want or need. They don’t see this behavior as disrespectful because they think they’re helping.

But if someone hasn’t asked you for help, or doesn’t want you to help…are you genuinely helping? Or are you just doing what you want to do?

The following behaviors are all HFC traits and examples of disordered boundaries:

Over-givingAlways feeling like you need to fix other people’s problemsAuto-advice givingAuto-accommodating Being overly self-sacrificing and self-abandoning

A note about the last point: Years ago, I remember telling my therapist that I couldn’t believe a friend was asking something of me after all I had done for her. How entitled!

She said, “Is she being entitled, or are you serving yourself up on a silver platter? You’re not saying no or telling the truth about your limits, and yet you’re pissed about her asking. People can and will ask you to do the most ridiculous things. Takers are going to take, and givers are going to give.

“Don’t get caught up in the wrong part of the equation. ‘Why would someone ask me to do this?’ is the wrong question to ask. Who cares? The only question is, if you don’t want to do it, will you assert the truth about how you don’t want to do it?”

Part of getting healthy and being more psychologically and mentally well is knowing what questions are ours to answer. Why someone else is doing something is not one of them. What am I going to do? Is.

The over- and under-functioning dynamic with HFCs also creates disordered boundaries in relationships.

Things get uneven if you constantly say, “I got it, don’t worry, I’ll do it,” and this creates resentment for both people.

The person who doesn’t get to do anything may feel managed (and resentful), or they might love it, causing you to become resentful.

You cannot be a recovering HFC without first being a boundary boss.

A Note on Starting to Set Boundaries

When you begin setting boundaries with people, some folks may react poorly.

That’s okay.

Part of being in recovery as an HFC is realizing that other people’s responses and reactions are their own and are not yours to manage.

It’s never too late to become a boundary boss, no matter where you are on your journey.

If you’re a boundary disaster or just now realizing you’re an HFC, welcome! You’re in the right place. You can always go from where you are to somewhere better, no matter your age.

No judgment. This is all learned behavior, which means you can unlearn it. You just need the desire. I’ll provide (and am providing!) the books, videos, and tools you need.

Anything worth learning takes time and concentrated effort, but I got you.

If you had any epiphanies while reading this, amazing! Please share them in the comments. But there’s more to go, so remember to download the guide, which will have questions to help you gain clarity on your unique relationship to boundaries.

And if you want to continue the conversation, consider joining my membership. We meet four times a month via Zoom for Q&As where I answer your questions, and I’d love to have you.

Keep an eye out for part two coming next week, and as always, take care of you.