Displacing Your Anger? How to Recognize the Signs + Reflect Not React

Are you expressing anger in unexpected ways?

Maybe you’ve been way more aggressive toward undeserving folks, inanimate objects, or fellow drivers because it feels safer or is the only way to express the anger you’re feeling with all the unrest in the world.

Or maybe you’re guilty of spending hours thinking of the perfect comeback to a snide comment left on a social media post.

With all of the global divisiveness we’re experiencing, and it being the end of Mental Health Awareness Month, I wanted to bring the concept of displaced aggression or anger to your attention.

If your anger is surprising you or coming out sideways, you might be displacing it.

In this episode, I’ll break down what it is, how to know if you’re displacing your aggression, and healthier, more productive ways we can channel and manage our anger.

https://youtu.be/J9SfFeWzSaM

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is Displaced Aggression or Anger?

According to the American Psychological Association, displaced aggression (also referred to as displaced anger) is:

“The direction of hostility away from the source of frustration or anger and toward either the self or a different entity. Displaced aggression may occur, for example, when circumstances preclude direct confrontation with a responsible entity because it is perceived as too powerful to attack without fear of reprisal.”

Displaced aggression might look like being angry at your boss and taking your anger out on your partner or kid after coming home. It can also look like having road rage on your commute back.

You can also have displaced aggression toward inanimate objects. In my unscientific experience, this might be more of a male than a female thing.

Displaced aggression piqued my interest because the worse things get around the world, the more prevalent it’s becoming.

There’s global unrest and political divisiveness, not to mention a barrage of natural disasters and a pandemic that was basically a plague.

All of these events have a huge impact on our mental health and our central nervous systems. How we go through the world is heavily impacted by our experiences.

Now more than ever, I thought it would be helpful to highlight how we might displace our aggression and anger and what we can do instead.

From a therapeutic perspective, I believe we can either talk our problems and feelings out or act them out. With displaced aggression, we’re acting things out.

Just take the social media landscape as an example. There’s an “us vs them” culture that serves to “otherize.” The vibe is “either you’re with me or you’re against me.” There’s no room for nuance.

Social media creates the perfect storm for cancel culture and the mob mentality because “keyboard warriors” and trolls get to be anonymous and say crap they’d never say in real life.

There are also loads of people who criticize and don’t do anything to make the world a better place, while others actually try to put in the work to improve things.

In the words of Brené Brown, “If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.”

Check Yourself- How Reactive Are You?

Are you aware of how reactive or quick to cancel people you are?

Do you often jump on the social media bandwagon of being absolutely positive someone is guilty of something when they may not be?

From a psychological and therapeutic perspective, people need an outlet for their anger. And there is a lot to be angry about. But discharging it by being mean to a waitress (for example) is not the way. Displaced anger won’t help.

We have to stop and reflect: What am I doing? How am I part of the problem or part of the solution? Slowing down before jumping on the current bandwagon can be helpful.

The only way social media or society as a whole will get healthier is if we start with ourselves.

Of course, it would be great if we were all supported by robust programs that made mental health resources available to everyone. I try to do my part by offering free content every week (and then some!) because I believe good mental health is a birthright for all of us.

Regardless, one of the most powerful things we can do is look inward and say, “How can I be more peaceful, even if there’s a lot to be angry about?” (We’ll get into ideas soon.)

Download the guide for a short inventory to explore if you’re displacing your anger or aggression.

The Extra Stress of Being a High-Functioning Codependent

Do you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC)? If so, you might feel the weight of the world on your shoulders because HFCs feel responsible for fixing everything.

When the world is in so much unrest, it’s extra taxing for HFCs and can lead to massive burnout, exhaustion, and, of course, displaced aggression.

If you read my most recent book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, you know there’s a cycle HFCs go through where they give way too many f*cks (lots of over-giving, over-functioning, and over-feeling), and then swing all the other way to the other side where they’re so mad they can’t control what they want to control, they no longer have any f*cks to give.

We don’t want to be on either side of this pendulum, but being an empath or highly sensitive person complicates the plight of being an HFC in a world where displacing aggression is tempting.

Tapping into the zeitgeist of this communal vibe reveals a lot of anger, which is why we must protect ourselves and our energy, and pay attention to and manage our own anger.

What’s Wrong With Displaced Anger?

A large part of the problem with displaced aggression is that the source of the anger goes unaddressed. Your anger never gets completed or satisfied because you’re taking it out on the wrong thing or person.

Displacing anger in a relationship also erodes trust and creates emotionally untrustworthy situations and people. It’s hard to feel safe and let your guard down around someone who regularly displaces their aggression onto you.

In a broader sense, displaced aggression can cause real harm. In my experience, the people who are the angriest with politics are typically the most disappointed with how their lives turned out. This anger fuels their hate for other groups.

Their mentality is, “Why should I help others when I had to pull myself up by my bootstraps? My life is crap and theirs should be, too.”

My thought is, it’s their job to make their life not crap. They have to figure out what’s making them unhappy and do something about it. Putting their boot on the neck of a marginalized group isn’t going to fix their misery.

If you couldn’t tell, my tolerance for displaced aggression is low because it feels like such irresponsibility.

No judgment, though. All of us will displace aggression or anger at some point in our lives, as most of us weren’t taught how to healthily or properly honor our anger. So let’s look at how we can shift towards this.

Healthy, Productive Ways of Handling + Managing Anger or Aggression

Assuming it’s possible to address the origin of the source of anger, do this first. Learning effective communication skills will help you talk true. I’ve written tons of blogs about these topics and this information is also in my books.

Becoming a better communicator enables you to accurately express your feelings. Instead of your anger eventually coming out sideways (and not knowing why you’re angry), you’ll stop silently suffering and stuffing crap down.

You also need to be honest with yourself. If you’re angry at the government and blaming marginalized groups for your woes, ask yourself if displacing your aggression is making you feel better. It might work temporarily, but it won’t in the long run.

Or maybe you take your anger out on your partner because it feels like they tolerate it. The truth is, this slowly scratches away at the foundation of your relationship. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it.

It’s also helpful to find healthy outlets to get anger out of your body. You might want to journal or exercise.

When I was diagnosed with cancer in my early 30s, I took up boxing. I was so mad about the diagnosis and pounding the crap out of something felt great.

We also need to look at what is in our control and what isn’t. If you’re angry about politics or global issues like climate change, scale it down and focus on local or personal initiatives. What can you do?

Personally, I downloaded an app called 5 Calls, and every day, I call representatives and tell them my concerns.

Internal boundaries can help, too. Pay attention to what makes you feel like crap and unfollow accounts, consume less news, change how you consume it, or delete apps. And just because you see something online you dislike doesn’t mean you need to engage with it!

I’m always looking for ‘good news’ accounts to counteract all the horrific news. Download the guide for my favorites (plus tips on dealing with displaced aggression).

Additionally, tune in with the basics. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you hydrating? Are you eating well? Exercising? Do these things to the best of your ability. Lack of sleep (for example) contributes to not having the discipline to handle your anger well.

Finally, see if you can find any compassion in your heart or empathy for other people, even folks you may not understand.

We’re all out here trying to survive. It’s not easy, and sometimes it can help to remember that even if we disagree, we’re all connected and living in this unified field together. We all have to participate in making this world a better place than it is right now.

If you could use a soft place to land in this hard world where there’s room for nuance, understanding, guidance, compassionate witnessing, and just being, I invite you to join my membership. We meet four times a month on Zoom for Q&A calls, and we’re always talking about how we can live better as empaths and HFCs in this world.

I hope this adds value to your life. Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

¹https://dictionary.apa.org/displaced-aggression