Terri Cole's Blog, page 13

Is Flaking the New Self-Care…or Selfish? A Therapist’s Take

Is flaking – canceling at the last second – the new self-care?

It seems to be on the rise and according to an article in The Guardian, the answer for some people is yes.

I disagree.

Flaking is avoidable with healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, and there are many self-care practices we can do that don’t involve regularly canceling on others.

In this episode, I share my thoughts on flaking, explore the nuances of having the right to change our minds (which I stand by), and detail steps to take for actual self-care in your life.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Is Flaking On the Rise?

The Guardian article highlights the prevalence of flaking at the last minute not only on everyday plans but on major things like weddings and funerals.

This isn’t just, “I don’t feel like going to brunch.” It’s bigger. Folks say they’re burnt out and exhausted and need to flake for their mental health.

From a psychosocial standpoint, what is happening?

While we don’t have scientific data on this, I don’t think we can discount the impact endlessly being on our phones and social media has on us.

I recently spoke to a friend who had invited a group of pals to hang out at her place for a weekend. From the moment they woke up and gathered over coffee to the moment they went to bed, they all scrolled on their phones.

Sure, they were talking, but what happens to our relationships when we don’t give people our full attention?

Disconnection.

It’s also what I call living life ‘lite’ because if you spend half your time scrolling on your phone, you’re not fully present.

‘Flaking as self-care’ and the normalization of constantly having a screen in your face aren’t healthy, and both drastically decrease the quality of your relationships.

The other reason flaking may be on the rise is because there aren’t any real consequences to it.

Years ago, before phones and the internet, you usually dated someone you knew. Ghosting wasn’t really a thing because you’d likely either run into them again at church or the supermarket or face some questions from mutual connections.

Dating locally meant having social pressure to behave a certain way and consequences for behaving poorly.

This kind of pressure isn’t always good, but it helped us consider other people and not just ourselves back then.

The Nuances of ‘You Have the Right to Change Your Mind’

One of my Boundary Boss Bill of Rights is that you have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, and to change your mind.

You may wonder, “But Terri, if flaking is bad, doesn’t that mean I should do things out of obligation and not change my mind?”

No. I still believe you have the right to change your mind and say no to things you don’t want to do.

But you need to be thoughtful and considerate when doing so and stop giving your word to things you don’t want to do.

It’s reasonable to expect people to keep their word, and you also have the option to say no rather than saying yes and regretting it later.

The truth is we build relationships by showing up for people, not by flaking on them.

Having relationships with anyone requires compromise and putting in the effort. Sometimes, that means doing things you don’t necessarily want to do because you love the person.

A daughter of one of my closest friends invited me to her baby shower 3 ½ hours away (7 hours round-trip). Even though my week was packed, and even though it only lasted 1 ½ hours, I made the effort to be there.

I did what I wanted, which is what I said I would do because I love my friend and her daughter and I can’t wait to be a great auntie to this baby girl.

I’m willing to be inconvenienced for love, connection, devotion, loyalty, and friendship. The baby shower was important to my friend and so it was important to me.

To have truly healthy relationships, we need to compromise. I’m not talking about putting up with abuse or doing things that go against our values. I just mean making an effort.

Real, lasting friendships don’t just happen. They happen with intention and attention.

Trust me, I’ve had the same friends my entire life. Flaking on people is not how you create healthy relationships.

The Cost of Flaking

Equating flaking and self-care downplays how damaging flaking can be to our relationships. They’re not even in the same category!

The truth is that regularly not following through on our commitments makes us emotionally untrustworthy because we can’t be counted on to follow through.

I love many people who say they’ll do everything and show up maybe 50% of the time…I love them, but I don’t trust them. I wouldn’t rely on them in an emergency.

The folks who are in my VIP section are the ones who will show up for me no matter what because I do the same for them.

So, what is self-care, and how can you avoid flaking because you feel exhausted or burnt out? Let’s look at a few options.

Flaking is Avoidable! Here’s What To Do Instead

In the article, many people said they thought something sounded like a good idea at the time but didn’t feel like doing it on the day.

We all feel this way sometimes. I often want to stay in, watch Netflix, and cuddle with my dog and Vic.

But I also value being someone who keeps their word. If I said I was coming to your event, I’m coming because I said I would.

If you share this value, here are a few ways to avoid flaking.

First, stop automatically saying yes to everything. Give yourself time to respond. Say, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll get back to you!”

I have scripts inside the guide that you can use to give a tentative answer rather than a yes, which is much easier to walk back!

You also need to know yourself and your rhythms. I don’t make appointments on certain days and times when I know I’ll want more freedom in my schedule.

Do you like to be in bed early? Don’t commit to anything past 9 pm. Want weekends to yourself? Suggest meeting on Thursdays instead.

Before making plans, look at your calendar and consider what’s happening (or likely to happen) on and around that day.

Do you flake because you’re exhausted? Determine what drains and energizes you and set boundaries to protect and reclaim your time and energy.

You can also lovingly say no to things. When I want to rest and be home with Vic, I tell my friends (if I haven’t already committed to something) and expect them to understand.

The guide includes scripts for lovingly declining invitations and tips for avoiding flaking.

I’ll leave you with this thought: trusting relationships require integrity and honesty. Only you can be responsible for the amount of integrity you bring into your life and the world.

Integrity means telling the truth about how we feel and what we need, planning appropriately, taking responsibility for our commitments, and following through.

I’m curious to know your thoughts on flaking. Have you flaked on people before or been flaked on? How did it feel? Will you use any of these suggestions to stop flaking? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Want to be in a community with people who show up for each other? Then consider joining my membership! Inside, I host four Q&A calls each month where I answer questions from members, and you also get access to four of my signature courses. Get all the details and join us here.

690 Is Flaking the New Self-Care…or Selfish? A Therapist’s Take

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“I think that it’s reasonable to expect people to keep their word. So stop giving your word to things if you’re not going to do them!” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

Is flaking – canceling at the last second – the new self-care?

It seems to be on the rise and according to an article in The Guardian, the answer for some people is yes.

I disagree.

Flaking is avoidable with healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, and there are many self-care practices we can do that don’t involve regularly canceling on others.In this episode, I share my thoughts on flaking, explore the nuances of having the right to change our minds (which I stand by), and detail steps to take for actual self-care in your life.

Highlights:3:40 Why would someone say flaking is self-care, and what’s actually happening?6:20 How dating has changed since the last century10:00 The way flaking (being unreliable) can damage your relationships14:20 Exercising the right to change your mind while remaining thoughtful to others17:30 Giving your relationships intention and attention19:20 Taking back the freedom to give a “maybe” or a “no” instead of bailing on a “yes”Links Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

689 Building Your ‘Unicorn Team’ with Jen Kem

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“If I wanted to open doors, I had to replace my highest value of ambition with autonomy. I realized in that moment that I am going to pursue a life of autonomy, not just ambition.” – Jen Kem

Intro

Jen Kem has spent her career marketing for some of the biggest corporate and personal brands–and today, she’s sharing some tips to help you launch your next big idea! We chat about how Jen’s leadership types model can help you construct the team that will help you reach your goals, how structure can help you let go of team members when they no longer serve you in a new season of your career, and Jen’s childhood being told that women needed to be everything at once.

Highlights:3:20 How Jen’s family of origin provided both support and obstacles11:50 The roadblocks Jen faced in writing her most recent book, and how she knew now was the time to write it despite them17:00 The source of Jen’s persistence in the face of adversity23:00 Why you need a structure to help you achieve your business and personal goals25:00 How the leadership types model can help you build your unicorn team– Or your relationship!29:05 The most common mistakes people make in building an effective teamConnect with Jen Kem

Named as a top brand strategist by Forbes, Jen Kem specializes in launching innovative ideas with high-performing teams. Kem’s Unicorn Innovation Model has been used by iconic brands like the Oprah Winfrey Network, Blue Cross Blue Shield, and Oracle, as well as numerous New York Times bestselling authors, keynote speakers, and business and thought leaders.

In her book Unicorn Team: The Nine Leadership Types You Need to Launch Your Big Ideas with Speed and Success, Kem shares the innovation playbook on how to build the most collaborative, harmonious, and motivated team to achieve extraordinary results. Originally from Hawaii, Kem lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and kids.

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

From Burnout to Balance: How to Redefine Success + Feel Fulfilled

Are you considered “successful” by societal standards, but can’t enjoy your success because you’re busy moving on to whatever’s next?

Or do you constantly feel behind, like you could be doing more?

Have you checked all the ‘big’ boxes in life (degree, career, love, stuff), but still feel unfulfilled or uninspired by what you’ve achieved?

If you answered yes, this episode is for you because I am talking about the power of redefining success for less burnout, especially for high-functioning codependents (HFCs). I’m also giving you real-life examples of how our stories about success can lead us astray and practical steps to take to clarify what success means to you.

https://youtu.be/5dvNYmp8mD0

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Successful + Unfulfilled

Two things inspired this episode: grappling with what success meant for me after ‘making it’ as a bi-coastal talent agent and feeling unsatisfied, and talking to a woman in my mastermind (applications are open!) who wasn’t able to enjoy her success because she was exhausted and burnt out from over-functioning. (She got into recovery as an HFC during her time in the mastermind and is thoroughly enjoying her life and success right now!)

Can you relate to this feeling of being successful, but feeling exhausted or unfulfilled? Like there has to be more to life than…this?

To change the way we relate to success, we need to first examine where our beliefs about success come from.

Your Downloaded Success Blueprint (What Stories Do You Tell Yourself?)

Growing up, what did you learn about being successful?

Was success good or bad in your family of origin?

It’s not always straightforward, and societal, family, and cultural norms influence us in different ways.

For example, a working-class family may look down upon someone who gets a degree and works on Wall Street.

A family that owns a business may expect all members to work there by a certain age.

A farming family may not accept someone dreaming of becoming an engineer.

Other cultures value education and success over almost everything else.

We all have our reasons why we relate to success the way we do and whether we enjoy it or not.

Download the guide to answer questions you can use to uncover your downloaded trust blueprint.

My Downloaded Success Blueprint

I learned what ‘success’ was from watching my father’s career, but I was also influenced by my mother’s advice to get an education and make my own money if I wanted to be free.

My mother’s advice came from her own experience of working two years to save up for college and, once there, getting pregnant with my oldest sister before Thanksgiving break.

My parents married quickly, and my mother dropped out of college. She never returned.

My father seemed to have the power in my parents’ marriage because he had the education and made all the money. I followed in his path.

Shortly after graduating, I began working in a talent agency and soon became an agent. My ambition told me success was all about making money and having lots of famous clients (which I eventually did).

While I would have been considered ‘traditionally’ successful, I wasn’t satisfied or happy, and I felt like I had become too mentally healthy to stay in the entertainment business.

It became clear I was in a misogynistic business where women were expected to be a size 0 and stay young forever.

Yet, what lit me up was helping them with their mental health. Not the brand or movie deals I was negotiating for them.

Eventually, I couldn’t deny the truth of what was driving my behavior. I had to break free from my ingrained idea of success and leave my ‘fancy’ job behind, even if no one understood why.

This looked like going back to school to become a psychotherapist with $900 in the bank (my lousy money management back then is a topic for another blog ). It was scary but so worth it.

Staying Healthy Matters, Too

Many years ago, my friend, Kris Carr, received a literal prescription from her long-term oncologist to take one week off per month.

He was very clear she had been working too much. To be truly successful, she needed to have balance.

I remember being so impressed with him. Prescribing one week off a month was serious!

It also caused me to reflect on my own life and how much I was working.

While I had stopped drinking when I was 21, workaholism and striving for success had become my new addiction.

Years of therapy have helped me be in the present moment rather than looking for the next thing to do and to be grateful for the success I do have.

Not Letting Others Dictate the Terms of Your Success

In my therapy practice, several clients let others dictate what success meant for them.

I remember one client who became a lawyer because it was the path everyone in her family followed.

She was in her early 30s, extremely smart, and miserable. Art was her true calling.

She didn’t see a long-term future for herself as a lawyer, so we worked together to figure out how she could fulfill her artistic pursuits.

She began painting on the side and eventually opened an Etsy shop. In time, she began earning as much from her art as she did from being a lawyer. She then reduced her hours at the law firm (they weren’t happy) and transitioned out.

I was proud of her for making the move- she’s still painting and creating today.

If you’re stuck in a similar position, I want you to realize that one day, our parents will transition, and their approval or disapproval will matter way less than our level of satisfaction and joy in what we are doing.

We’ll be left with the lives we’ve created for ourselves and likely regret the degree to which we self-abandoned to please a parent (or anyone else for that matter).

Steps to Figure Out Your Definition of Success

It took courage for my client to decide what success meant to her.

I now believe success is only real if you enjoy it, have a balanced life, rest when you’re tired, and take care of your health.

The first step to figuring out your definition of success is to slow down and self-reflect. We must slow down. We can’t just be on autopilot or reactive mode.

Think about how you want to feel and how you want to spend your time.

As my pal Danielle LaPorte would say, what is your core desired feeling?

Mine has always been freedom. Want to know yours? Download the guide, which includes a few questions to help you get clarity here.

We also need to figure out what we feel resentful about.

Often, when it comes to success, work, or entrepreneurship, we’re resentful because we’re over-functioning, over-giving, and overdoing.

Once you figure out where you’re resentful, you can begin setting boundaries around your time, energy, and bandwidth.

When someone asks you to do something, two questions to ask yourself are:

Do I have the bandwidth to do this without becoming resentful?Do I even want to do it?

You are one person with finite energy. Be mindful of where it’s going.

Prioritize doing things simply because they’re fun. Make time for play. When you slow down, you’ll gain more capacity to notice the small things that bring you joy.

When we don’t slow down, and we’re constantly onto the next thing, we’re not in the present moment. We’re focused on the future, uninspired, and doing things just to get them done. It’s important to be here now.

Getting into recovery from high-functioning codependency can help us reclaim bandwidth, too.

Another woman in my mastermind was codependent in her relationship with her brother, who had addiction problems.

On the surface, she had a successful business, but the situation with her brother took a toll on her emotional and physical bandwidth.

In our time together, she disentangled herself, set better boundaries, and stopped trying to control him and over-function for him.

As a result, she gained so much bandwidth and a greater depth of intimacy in the relationship. (He’s also sober!) She’s a different person than she was when we began and now enjoys her success.

If you find yourself living other people’s lives for them, too exhausted to take care of yourself, know that this freedom is possible for you, too. It’s why I wrote my book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency. 

I hope this episode inspired you to consider your definition of success and how you relate to it. If it did, let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Applications for my mastermind, Flourish, are open! We begin March 1st and if you’re a woman healer, helper, or entrepreneur, I’d love to have you. We focus on both personal and professional growth. I can teach you how to create a highly-rated podcast, get a book deal, and write and sell a bestselling book. But I can also help with the psychological and emotional challenges that come with success and building/growing a business.

Flourish is the only way to work 1:1 with me, and it’s intimate- there are only 10-12 spots. We stay together for 9 months and during that time, we gather in person twice for three days of intensive transformation.

If you join us in Flourish, your life will change for the better. If you’re interested, the details and application are on this page, and once you apply, you can hop on a call with me to make sure it’s a good fit!

688 From Burnout to Balance: How to Redefine Success + Feel Fulfilled

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
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“None of us have endless energy to give, so you really want to be mindful of where you are giving it.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

Are you considered “successful” by societal standards, but can’t enjoy your success because you’re busy moving on to whatever’s next?

Or do you constantly feel behind, like you could be doing more?

Have you checked all the ‘big’ boxes in life (degree, career, love, stuff), but still feel unfulfilled or uninspired by what you’ve achieved?

If you answered yes, this episode is for you because I am talking about the power of redefining success for less burnout, especially for high-functioning codependents (HFCs). I’m also giving you real-life examples of how our stories about success can lead us astray and practical steps to take to clarify what success means to you.

Highlights:4:15 My personal experiences around ambition and burnout5:50 Your downloaded success blueprint13:30 Recognizing that this is your one and only life15:20 Identifying your core desired feelingLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

687 Healing Your Relationships with Dr. Thema Bryant

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“Sometimes, we’re choosing people based on potential instead of who they are in the present. And then instead of picking a partner, you’re picking a project. What would it be like to be with a peer?” – Dr. Thema Bryant

Intro

I first found Dr. Bryant on Instagram, where her approachable wisdom about partnerships reeled me in. Today, I’m sharing it with all of you! This conversation is a real talk about why we sometimes seek relationships where people need us instead of want us and overcoming the urge to control everything instead of co-creating with a partner. Plus, we chat about when to cut someone out and when continuing to improve your 50% of the relationship might be a viable choice.

Highlights:3:45 Dr. Bryant’s origin story5:10 Taking responsibility for your part in relationships7:35 Releasing complete control in relationships to co-create10:15 Choosing relationship partners based on potential instead of the present12:40 Why people with traumatic pasts can be attracted to those who need them rather than those who want them17:30 How socialization contributes to gender roles in communication, and how to meet in the middle23:00 Moving on from people who don’t reciprocate love27:40 Why now is the time for Dr. Bryant’s brand new book, Matters of the Heart: Healing Your Relationship with Yourself and Those You LoveConnect with Dr. Thema Bryant

Dr. Thema Bryant is a psychologist, author, professor, sacred artist, and minister who is leading the way in creating healthy relationships, healing traumas, and overcoming stress and oppression. Dr. Thema is the author of the soon to be released book Matters of the Heart, which aims to empower readers to connect with themselves and to others, delving into topics such as: control issues, emotional unavailability, practical activation activities, case studies, and teaching how to shift mindset and patterns around romance. 

Dr. Thema Bryant completed her doctorate in Clinical Psychology at Duke University and her post-doctoral training at Harvard Medical Center’s Victims of Violence Program. Upon graduating, she became the Coordinator of the Princeton University SHARE Program, which provides intervention and prevention programming to combat sexual assault, sexual harassment, and harassment based on sexual orientation. She is currently a tenured professor of psychology in the Graduate School of Education and Psychology at Pepperdine University, where she directs the Culture and Trauma Research Laboratory. Dr. Thema is an ordained elder in the African Methodist Episcopal Church and leads the mental health ministry at First A.M.E. Church in Los Angeles. Most recently, she was the 2023 president of the American Psychological Association (APA) and is the host of The Homecoming Podcast. 

Order Dr. Bryant’s brand new book here: https://drthema.com/matters-of-the-heart/

Website: https://drthema.com

IG: https://instagram.com/dr.thema

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

The Best Way to Celebrate Valentine’s Day (Single or Partnered!)

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

Do you often find yourself disappointed? Does it make you feel alone and down?

Does your partner forget about it, even though you ask to make plans? Do they give you gifts that feel hollow?

Whether you’re single or partnered, I invite you to put a self-consideration spin on Valentine’s Day with my favorite three-step self-love ritual. All the steps are below along with tips on how to avoid disappointment on the day.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Problem With Valentine’s Day

I’ve never been a fan of Valentine’s Day.

Hallmark popularized it in 1913 when it began selling Valentine’s cards, and according to the National Retail Federation, consumers are expected to spend $27.5 billion celebrating this year.

I don’t know about you, but to me, the over-commercialization of it feels excessive. It puts undue pressure on people to meet societal expectations of romance, gift-giving, and love.

There’s also a disconnect between what healthy love actually is and the ‘idealized’ love promoted by Valentine’s Day.

For those who are single and looking, every sappy ad is often yet another reminder that you’re not partnered.

Those who are partnered may face unrealistic expectations of having the ‘perfect’ evening or finding the ‘perfect’ gift, which is stressful and can lead to disappointment.

How to Avoid Disappointment on Valentine’s Day

I used to tell my partnered therapy clients who liked celebrating Valentine’s Day to think about what truly feels like a gift to them.

What is one thing, coming from your beloved, that would make you feel loved and valued?

Some people love chocolate, flowers, and gifts, while others (like me) prefer quality time or words of affirmation.

If Vic and I celebrate, I like going to a nice restaurant for a meal together or going away for a short trip.

Other quality time ideas are snuggling for three hours watching movies, spending all day in bed together, or getting a babysitter and enjoying a night away.

Maybe you need ‘me’ time and the biggest gift your partner could give you is watching the kids so you can have a night alone or with your friends.

Spend time thinking about it, and then talk about it. Ask your partner for what you need. Repeated disappointment is avoidable!

A 3-Step, Inclusive Self-Love Ritual

Self-love is the foundation for any other healthy love (according to me).

I truly believe how we relate to ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives.

Think about it: if we treat ourselves like crap, talk badly about ourselves, or put ourselves last on our own list, we will inevitably attract people who agree with our low self-assessment.

We don’t want that!

Self-love is an inside job. No one else can do it for us.

When we prioritize self-consideration, it raises our love vibe and increases our confidence.

That is why I designed this inclusive, 3-step self-love ritual. Whether you’re single, partnered, looking for love, not looking, or something in between, it will help you uplevel your relationship with yourself.

Let’s dive in.

Step 1: Create a Zen Den

A zen den is a little sacred space in your home, almost like an altar, where you can sit and be comfortable.

It doesn’t need to be big, it just needs to be cozy. It can be the table next to your bed or in the corner of a room.

Part of the self-loving experience is intentionally creating a safe, external space, where you can tend to your internal sacred space.

A zen den also serves as a visual reminder to prioritize self-care and helps keep it top of mind. It’s a beautiful way to honor yourself and your preferences.

My zen den contains different items I love: my favorite blanket, pen, journal, candles, fairy lights, etc. I journal, meditate, and rest there when needed.

What makes a space feel cozy and inviting to you? You may want to include essential oils, crystals, plants, outdoor elements like leaves and flowers, or photos of loved ones.

Step 2: Journal for Self-Discovery

Once you’ve created your zen den, you’re ready to journal and dream. Carve out time to write and get in touch with your thoughts.

Go through the journal prompts in the guide to illuminate how you want to be loved, what kind of love you like, and how you relate to yourself.

Some questions you can ask are: what currently makes you feel loved? What would make you feel loved? What do you want love to look like? (This can be romantic or platonic love.)

I’m a ritual girl, so when I journal, I love having a candle lit and a cup of tea nearby. Caring for myself and prioritizing my comfort primes me to tap into the truest part of my heart before I journal.

Feeling loved by someone releases feel-good hormones, and we can get the same results by doing something loving (like this ritual) for ourselves.

Step 3: Think of a Meaningful Gift For Yourself

Using what you discovered from journaling in the previous step, what would feel like a beautiful, meaningful gift for yourself?

The goal is to do something special just for you that makes you feel how you want to feel. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive! It just needs to make you feel nurtured, joyful, and satisfied.

The guide contains a few ideas, but here are some to get you started: take yourself out for a meal, order in, go for a mani/pedi, plan a solo R+R trip or relaxing staycation, take lessons for something new that interests you (music, dance, language, art), or take a luxurious tub with oils, candles, and flower petals.

You can also give yourself the gift of being in the present moment by taking a tech break and unplugging. (Less tech, more life in general, please! Who’s with me?)

Is your love language gifts? Buy a meaningful piece of jewelry or clothing that makes you feel beautiful.

Treat yourself like the amazing person you are, because you are so worthy and deserving of it.

Does this ritual leave you feeling inspired to take your understanding of love and how you relate to it and yourself to the next level?

I’d love for you to join me in my free 5-day Raise Your Love Vibe Kickstart, happening February 9-13! It’s all about amplifying and attracting more love into your beautiful, one-of-a-kind life. It’s for everyone because I think we can all use more love in our lives and the world. Just go to terricole.com/love to sign up and join!

What are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day? Do you celebrate it at all? How would it feel to focus on yourself for the day? Will you join me for five days of love, or do this ritual? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram, and remember to download the guide so you can take this ritual with you.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

686 The Best Way to Celebrate Valentine’s Day (Single or Partnered!)



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“We’re intentionally creating a safe and comforting external space where you can then tend to your internal sacred space.” – Terri Cole

 

Intro

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

Do you often find yourself disappointed? Does it make you feel alone and down? 

Does your partner forget about it, even though you ask to make plans? Do they give you gifts that feel hollow? 

Whether you’re single or partnered, I invite you to put a self-consideration spin on Valentine’s Day with my favorite three-step self-love ritual. All the steps are below along with tips on how to avoid disappointment on the day.

Highlights:4:30 The history of Valentine’s day and my personal qualms about it5:30 Alternate ways to celebrate Valentine’s day to focus on community, friendship, and growth11:00 A step-by-step self-love ritual15:00 Make time for self-love, self-consideration, and self-care18:50 Come up with a special gift for yourselfLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

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SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

685 Lessons from the Mystic Jesus with Marianne Williamson

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“We go to therapy and say, “can we get real, can we get deep?” But real and deep shouldn’t be just one hour a week!” – Marianne Williamson

Intro

Some say you should never talk about politics, religion, or money in polite company – But today’s guest doesn’t agree! On today’s episode, Marianne Williamson contextualizes Christianity and Christ to offer insight into modern challenges: Personal hardships, disconnection from others, and even the growing polarization of the political climate. She offers a perspective that harmonizes Christianity with other religious and spiritual ideologies that can guide us to cultivate healthy minds. Plus, Marianne shares the human moments that bring her joy despite her concern about world events.

Highlights:4:40 Marianne’s origin story7:00 What her course, A Course in Miracles, hopes to teach us in today’s world13:00 Society’s problem with depth and disagreement 17:50 How Marianne recontextualizes some Christian terms to provide insight on mental health and wellbeing25:00 A Christian perspective on the illusion of separateness30:00 What it means to be excited vs. happy as today’s world faces challengesConnect with Marianne Williamson

For more than four decades, Marianne Williamson has been a leader of spiritually progressive circles. She is the author of 16 books, four of which have been #1 New YorkTimes best sellers. A quote from the mega-bestseller A Return to Love, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure…” is considered an anthem for a contemporary generation of seekers. 

Her other bestsellers have included A Woman’s Worth, The Law of Divine Compensation, Tears to Triumph and The Gift of Change.With her books and online classes she has taught millions of people the universal spiritual principles at the heart of miracle-minded thinking. 

Williamson founded Project Angel Food, a non-profit organization that has delivered more than 18 million meals to ill and dying homebound patients in the Los Angeles area since1989. The group was created to help people suffering from the ravages of HIV/AIDS. She has also worked throughout her career on poverty, anti-hunger and racial reconciliation issues. In 2004, she co-founded The Peace Alliance and supported the creation of a U.S. Department of Peace. 

Williamson’s latest book, titled THE MYSTIC JESUS: The Mind of Love, is available online and at bookstores everywhere. 

Instagram: @MarianneWilliamson

Website: Marianne.com

Substack: MarianneWilliamson.Substack.com

Link to purchase THE MYSTIC JESUS: The Mind of Love: https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-mystic-jesus-marianne-williamson?variant=41001460138018

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Stop Letting Fear of Rejection Drive Your Life With These Simple Steps

Is setting boundaries intimidating because you worry that people will get mad or abandon you if you do?

Do you avoid telling the truth or setting limits out of fear?

Or do you people to keep the peace and avoid rejection?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I’m talking about how fear of rejection is the common root of many of our self-abandoning behaviors, what this fear costs us, and steps you can take to overcome it.

https://youtu.be/SoeVEXpQ9fg

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Are We Afraid of Rejection?

Fear of rejection is extremely common in humans. From a biological and physiological perspective, back in the cave people days, we needed the community to survive. Rejection meant death. This fear is a survival mechanism for us.

We can also develop a fear of rejection based on what we witnessed in childhood.

If you come from a long line of people-pleasers who placate others or walk on eggshells, you may have learned to avoid rejection or anger early on.

Sometimes, we can be so sensitive to rejection that we’re not even discerning about the quality of the human who might be rejecting us!

Here’s an example.

Years ago, a therapy client was freaking out because she thought a guy she had just started texting was going to ghost her.

I suggested we back up and asked her why she liked him. At the end of the session, it became clear she didn’t. She was just hypersensitive to any perceived amount of potential rejection.

Based on how amplified her fear was, I suspected that her fear wasn’t really about a guy she didn’t even like. I thought she was having a transference from an old injury. I was right- she had a rejecting mother and a punitive father.

Our family of origin influences our relationship with rejection in different ways.

I was like my client when I was younger, trying hard not to be judged or rejected.

I was such a people-pleaser that I wanted everyone in my high school to like me, even if I didn’t like them. And if they didn’t, I took it personally. Why don’t they like me? I’m perfectly likable. Everyone likes me! 

Why? Because I felt rejected by my father after feeling like I was born the wrong gender. (You can read about my father wound here.)

Regardless of what we experienced in our family of origin, most of us don’t want to be rejected because it doesn’t feel good!

Cost of Living with Fear of Rejection

It’s costly to let our fear of rejection drive our decisions.

When we make decisions from this place of fear, we people-please, self-abandon, over-function, and end up resentful.

Our decision-making suffers, too. Our fear of rejection can override the desire to know the truth of how we feel like my client freaking out before questioning whether she liked the guy.

One of the most significant costs of living with fear of rejection is not being authentically known. 

We often give people corrupted data about ourselves by not telling the truth to avoid rejection. It matters, even if it’s small.

The other day, I showed one of my sons a TikTok video of tap-dancing brothers I like. He said, “I’ve never really been into tap. It’s not my thing.”

He wasn’t saying anything bad about me liking it, but him telling the truth allowed me to know him more authentically.

Have you been in this situation? Did you tell the truth or feign enthusiasm only for a pal to continue sharing stuff with you that you have no interest in? (I think a lot of us do the latter!)

Being authentically known has to be one of your top priorities in life because it’s the thing that makes life satisfying and deepens the intimacy in your relationships.

Think about the relationships in your life where you don’t feel known. Isn’t it painful to feel like it’s either all about the other person, or like they have a misperception of you?

“Let them misunderstand you” energy is circulating online, which I get, but I also don’t want you to behave in ways that encourage people to misunderstand or not know you.

Fear of rejection also comes at the expense of our self-worth. Even when we disagree, ‘ ‘Going along to get along’ reinforces the idea that we must hide parts of ourselves.

Eventually, this behavior wears away at our self-esteem. It also creates anxiety because trying to avoid rejection at every turn requires hypervigilance.

We may have a fear-based narrative running through our minds about things that haven’t even happened. There’s all this anticipatory planning that goes into avoiding rejection when it might not even occur.

This takes a lot of bandwidth. I usually tell my therapy clients, “Let’s try to manage this if it happens, once, rather than mentally running through it dozens of times.”

We want to be mindful of this negative, fearful, catastrophic voice and narrative to prevent it from overly informing our behaviors and decisions.

Overcoming Fear of Rejection

You may live your life trying to avoid rejection for many reasons. To overcome this fear, you first need to raise your awareness around why you relate to it the way you do.

In the guide, you’ll find questions to uncover your rejection blueprint. The more you understand your relationship with rejection, the easier it becomes to change your behavior.

I also want you to consider embracing the idea that you and your relationships are not that fragile. It’s okay to disagree with someone or set a boundary.

The child within us often drives and amplifies our fears of abandonment or rejection. The fear is more about them than it is about the adult you.

Looking at what you’ve experienced and accomplished as an adult can help you recognize how resilient you are. We’ve all survived rejections in some form or another and we’re still here.

To assure your inner kid that you’ll be okay, find evidence of times when you’ve asserted yourself and it worked out or wasn’t a big deal. Most of us have this proof, but it can be harder to access when we’re in a state of fear.

And if a relationship ends because you’re no longer willing to self-abandon, it has to be okay because any relationship built on your self-abandonment is not healthy.

This is why we need to prioritize our relationship with ourselves over our fears of rejection. Doing so empowers us to make better decisions, talk true, and be true to ourselves. And we’re the only ones who can!

The right people and circumstances will find you when you’re authentic. When you’re acting ‘as if,’ placating, or walking on eggshells, you’re not being yourself. You’re attempting to manage or control other people’s feelings, thoughts, or judgments of you, which is exhausting.

If our relationships inspire us to act this way, we have to question whether they’re right for us.

Another way to raise awareness around your fear of rejection is to take an inventory. In which relationships does this fear come up the most?

To get to the bottom of it, you can use the 3 Qs, which I’ve included in the guide. Ask yourself, 1) who does this person remind me of? 2) where have I felt like this before? 3) how or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me?

Those 3 Qs can help you figure out whether you’re having a transference like my client was. For example, if you had a rejecting and cold parent, and you’re particularly sensitive to rejection from your boss, your boss may remind you of that parent.

The last idea I have for you comes from my mother. She taught me to take my fears down the “what if?” highway when I was younger.

If I had done this with my client, who was afraid of being ghosted, it might have looked like this:

“I’m so afraid; I feel like this person is stepping away from me!”

“Okay, if they are stepping away, then what?”

“I’m going to feel bad.”

“Okay, then what?”

“I’ll feel sad I didn’t get to know them.”

“Okay, then what?”

“I’ll feel rejected and embarrassed.”

“Okay, then what?”

Eventually, the answer is then nothing. Life goes on. You swipe left or right on the next person. The sun still comes up tomorrow.

Walking down the “what if?” highway and repeatedly asking, then what? regarding things that feel catastrophic can help you gain perspective.

Even in terrible scenarios, unless something is life-threatening, the sun will come up tomorrow. You’ll make it through.

I hope this episode empowers you to start taking steps to overcome living in fear of rejection. If it did, let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. If you enjoy the topics I cover here, I invite you to join my membership where I host four Q&A calls every month and answer your questions on boundaries, relationships, codependency, and more. When you join, you also get access to my four signature courses. Get all the details and sign up here! I’d love to have you.