What I Learned About Erotic Intelligence From Esther Perel

Have you heard the term erotic intelligence before?

If you haven’t, does it sound like it’s all about sex?

Before attending a transformative retreat with Esther Perel and Paul Browde, that’s kind of what I thought.

Talk about confronting! I had agreed to attend with a friend after her husband had to drop out without knowing the details because it was Esther Perel and Costa Rica, and who would say no to that?

I was surprised to learn erotic intelligence is actually about feeling alive and energized in your life, and I walked away with a renewed sense of vitality.

In this episode, I’ll share what I learned during the retreat as well as the questions and exercises we walked through to help raise your awareness around erotic intelligence. By the end, I hope you’ll feel similarly lit up about life.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is Erotic Intelligence?

Like many people, I was introduced to the concept of erotic intelligence in Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, which explores the relationship between domesticity and sexual desire.

When asked about erotic intelligence during an interview, Esther said, “We have an erotic mind [that] is infinite. And eroticism thrives on the ritual and the celebration and the infiniteness of our imagination — and on the forbidden, for that matter, too.

There’s a transgressive element in that. And that’s part of why I became so interested in how you integrate this force into the domestic life that we also want. What is this dual set of needs that we grapple with?”

Esther is referring to how what we want most in long-term relationships (security, stability, and consistency) are the enemies of erotic excitement (mystery, surprise, novelty).

But Esther argues it’s possible to have exciting sex in long-term relationships. We just need to incorporate eroticism into our self-care plan.

(By the way, Esther defines eroticism as “not sex per se, but the qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that make us feel alive.”)

You can start by asking yourself, when do I feel most alive? Most erotic? Most free? When do I feel most lit up in my life?

Erotic intelligence can help us make meaningful connections with our partners and ourselves as these questions invite us to get curious about and own our desires.

Key Verbs in Erotic Intelligence

During the retreat, we explored key verbs that shape how we relate to our partners:

Asking instead of assuming.Giving – Do you enjoy giving from the heart, or do you give to avoid owing?Receiving – Can you allow yourself to be loved, cherished, adored, or pleasured? Do you receive when you give?Taking/claiming – There’s an element of this that can be erotic and make you feel wanted in a relationship, which you can discuss with your partner.Sharing – Do you naturally share, or do you calculate fairness?Playing – Are you doing fun things, like flirting or going on adventures?Refusing – Can you say no? If you can’t, then how can your ‘yes’ be trusted?Wanting – Do you tell your partner what you want and take responsibility for your desires?Giving and receiving are big ones for recovering high-functioning codependents. Being unable to receive negatively impacts our sexual and sensual lives (which I wrote about in Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency).

To explore your relationship with giving and receiving, download the guide for extra prompts.

Understanding What Turns You On (and Off)

One of my biggest takeaways from the retreat was the question of how am I turning myself off? 

When it comes to keeping a good connection in our relationship, emotionally and physically, we must take responsibility (to the best of our ability) for our health.

I jump on my trampoline, lift weights, and maintain my bone health because I want to live well, and it’s how I feel alive.

Before Vic and I got married, I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t take care of themselves. This experience taught me that having a partner committed to their health was non-negotiable for me.

He didn’t share my desire to hike, bike, go to the gym, or snowshoe. We didn’t have the same idea of what it meant to be physically well.

While it was okay because we were in our 20s, I knew we’d eventually grow in separate directions because we wanted different lifestyles.

So when Vic and I got together, I asked him if he would commit to taking full responsibility for his health, and he agreed and has followed through. He works with a personal trainer twice weekly, setting up wellness checks and his annual physical with his doctors. We walk and hike together often.

Beyond Vic staying in good physical health, his curiosity and being a lifelong learner turn me on. I love that he barely watches TV and constantly listens to things he can learn from. He’s made me so much more intelligent in the nearly 28 years we’ve been together.

We can also take responsibility for what turns us on by reading erotica or watching sexual things together. Every couple is different! Give yourself the freedom to explore what might work for you.

Allow yourself to have sexual fantasies, too. They increase excitement and pleasure, and there’s nothing wrong with having them.

I grew up in a family that didn’t talk about sexuality much. If you can relate, know that there’s a good chance your fantasies are common, and they don’t make you a bad or deranged person.

At the retreat, we also discussed moving away from performance (depending on how you relate to your sexuality) and enjoying the present moment.

Esther says, “We turn ourselves on when we energize ourselves, when we are embodied and focused—not on any particular goal…but on the present moment.”

Being present in an experience requires us to put down our guard. It doesn’t have to be sexual, either. It can be sensual, like giving each other a massage.

Additionally, as a recovering high-functioning codependent with a history of hyper-independence, the biggest question for me is, can I surrender? (Can you relate?)

During the retreat, we also thought about when we’re most drawn to our partners. Is it when they’re in charge? Playful? Kind? Masterful? Passionate?

Many people shared they were most drawn to their partner when they didn’t need anything from them and when they exhibited mastery. What about you?

The Importance of New Experiences

There are a lot of memes out there about mothering your partner and what a turnoff it is, as over-caretaking is kind of anti-erotic.

What is erotic is having new experiences together.

Vic and I do this nearly every Sunday. We hop in the truck, drive somewhere new, and have lunch at a cafe we’ve never eaten at.

We don’t know if the food will be good, but it doesn’t matter. The experience does.

Experiencing new things apart is key, too.

I was terrified when Vic was first embedded in a war zone to illustrate what was happening on the ground.

But I was also attracted to him for his courage and mastery. It takes a lot of skill to draw something in real-time, in a high-stakes environment, where everyone is moving! (You can see his amazing work here.)

The Power of Intention in Long-Term Relationships

At the retreat, Esther said this about long-term relationships:

Whatever was going to happen spontaneously between you already has. Everything else we desire, we have to create.

We need to be deliberate and proactive when it comes to sex, lovingly put in the effort, dream together (sexually and non-sexually), and remember why we were drawn to our person to begin with.

Again, think about what new experiences you can infuse into your life and relationship, about what turns you on and off, and take responsibility for your desires.

For more ideas on how to uplevel your erotic intelligence, download the guide. It has journal prompts for you to get a better sense of how you relate to eroticism and your sexuality and sensuality, too.

Let me know in the comments or on Instagram: What are your takeaways about erotic intelligence and how it can help you connect to yourself and your partner? Did this inspire a conversation between you and your partner? I want to know!

P.S. Have you heard about The Terri Cole Membership yet? It’s where I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month where you get the chance to have me coach you. You also get access to all of my signature courses and a beautiful community of like-hearted women. It’s a soft place to land in a hard world. Get all the details and join us here.