Terri Cole's Blog, page 11

716 Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know

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“Codependent relationships are built on disordered boundaries. That’s the foundation of any kind of codependent relationship, whether it’s garden variety codependency or high-functioning codependency.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you struggle with setting boundaries because it feels selfish or wrong to put your preferences or needs first? 

Do you inadvertently trample on other people’s boundaries? (Hyper-helping, auto-advice giving, etc.)

Or are you a newly identified high-functioning codependent (HFC) wondering why it’s especially tough to set boundaries?

Then you’re in the right place. In this episode, I am breaking down why it’s challenging to set, stick to, and respect other people’s boundaries, particularly as HFCs.

This is part one, and in part two (coming next week), we’ll cover boundary scripts and the different types of boundaries you might want to consider setting.

Highlights:4:30 Establishing what your personal boundaries are7:20 How being a high-functioning codependent affects your boundaries13:30 Why HFCs also have trouble respecting other people’s boundaries15:00 The importance of staying on your side of the street20:00 You can learn to improve your boundary-setting patternsLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

715 Get Unstuck and Transform Your Life with Michelle Chalfant

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“I can give people boundary scripts all day long, but if we don’t feel worthy of speaking up for ourselves, it just isn’t going to happen.” – Michelle Chalfant

Intro

I’m so happy to have my pal Michelle Chalfant on the show to celebrate her new book, The Adult Chair: Get Unstuck, Claim Your Power, and Transform Your Life!

Michelle has been a therapist and life coach for the last 25 years and this book is the culmination of her work and experience with both her clients and herself. The Adult Chair model is an amazing way to cultivate self-knowledge throughout all phases of development and become more authentically you and who you want to be.

We talked about why self-worth needs to be in place to set healthy boundaries, why triggers are a gift and what we can learn from them, how to shift into empowerment and so much more.

Highlights:3:20 The concept behind The Adult Chair: Who are you today, and how did you get that way?6:50 Michelle’s origin story10:15 How Michelle became fascinated with boundaries11:45 How self-worth is tied to setting healthy boundaries18:30 The lessons we can learn from our triggers30:30 Are things happening to you or for you?31:50 Michelle’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Michelle Chalfant

Michelle Chalfant, MS, LPC, CHC, is a renowned therapist, holistic life coach, and transformational leader dedicated to awakening consciousness and empowering individuals to live their best lives. With a rich background in mental health, spirituality, and personal development, Michelle combines her expertise to offer a comprehensive approach to healing and growth. She passionately believes in the potential for every person tot awaken to their true selves and create a life filled with purpose and joy.

Website: https://theadultchair.com
Podcast (The Michelle Chalfant Show): https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Being Nice to Avoid Conflict Isn’t Nice, It’s Controlling – Here’s Why

Are you a nice person?

Do you think it’s possible to be too nice? Or that wanting to be nice is an excuse some high-functioning codependents hide behind to avoid conflict?

In my personal and professional experience, it is possible to be too nice, and it’s not great for your relationships.

In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be nice, what being too nice looks like, why it matters, and how to shift your behavior to authentic niceness.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Being Nice vs. Too Nice

Let’s start with the difference between being authentically nice and too nice.

For example, an actual act of niceness is agreeing to shovel an elderly neighbor’s walkway and driveway so they don’t have to.

Generally, it’s doing something kind that’s (usually) asked for and needed.

Being too nice is not telling someone the truth about how you feel to avoid upsetting them. While you might think your motivation is to be nice, if you look deeper, you can see that you are not telling them so you can avoid dealing with their upset feelings. This fact puts the behavior squarely in the camp of being more manipulative and controlling than nice.

We need to look at niceness through an honest lens because it’s easy to hide behind I’m just doing it to be nice!

So, what does being too nice look like in relationships?

It often takes the shape of codependency, which is an overt or covert bid, desire, or attempt to control other people.

For example, “taking one for the team” (especially when no one asked) can seem nice, but it can also be an attempt to control a situation with your behavior.

Going along to get along is another example. Is it nice to endlessly defer to someone else or always let your partner choose because you’re ‘easy-breezy?’ Or is it not taking responsibility and not asserting yourself?

Placating or telling people what they want to hear also falls under this category.

You may feel like you need to placate someone you’re afraid of or who is defensive, but placating isn’t nice.

In this situation, it’s manipulative because you’re trying to control the other person’s feelings. If what you want to say might provoke them, you’re staying silent to avoid conflict, not to be nice.

Please note: None of this applies to anyone who is in an abusive situation. Click here for resources to leave an abusive situation safely.

Whenever you say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I don’t want them to feel,” this is a cue to back it up and get on your side of the street. What other people think and feel is not your responsibility. What you think and feel is.

Another “too nice” behavior is making your partner the center of your world.¹

I had a therapy client whose entire marriage was based on what her partner wanted or was interested in. From where they lived to the music they listened to in the car, everything was about him.

After continuously acquiescing to avoid conflict over their 15-year marriage, she’s learning to assert herself, and her husband is noticing, pushing back some, and wondering why now.

In the guide, you’ll find questions to uncover your downloaded ‘niceness’ blueprint and why you might interact with people this way.

Why Are We Compelled to Be Too Nice?

We often come by these “too nice” behaviors honestly and early in life.

Most of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents and taught to be pleasing, considerate, and thoughtful. Our indoctrination into the cult of nice happens without us noticing.

People-pleasing can help us survive childhood, too. It’s a real skill when it comes to avoiding conflict or rejection.

While it’s common to ‘be nice’ to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, satisfying and long-lasting relationships require truth. Constant agreement only lasts for so long.

I genuinely thought these too nice behaviors were nice in my 20s, but as I got healthier, I realized I was using ‘niceness’ to avoid having hard conversations.

Of course, being ‘nice’ didn’t give me the relationships I wanted, and it will likely not give you the relationships you want, either.

By the way, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be nice, just that we need to be honest about whether we’re justifying codependent behavior and calling it “being nice.”

You Don’t Know Where You Stand With Someone Who’s Too Nice

Being overly nice in communicating is often misleading and confusing, almost like you’re delivering bad news with a smile.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, you know how frustrating it can be.

When someone obstructs or masks what they’re saying with ‘niceness,’ I have an immediate, rageful response. (Probably because I was the queen of being roundabout and walking on eggshells when I was younger!)

It’s the equivalent of someone in the South of the US saying, “Oh, bless his heart.” They don’t actually mean it. They mean the person is a hot mess or a moron.

Using indirect communication like this means you don’t have to own what you’re saying, which is why I dislike it.

When we say, “I didn’t want to say anything because I wanted to be nice,” we have to get honest: omitting things or saying yes when you want to say no is not nice. It’s misleading, confusing, and dishonest.

I prefer people being direct and telling me the truth, even if it’s a truth I don’t like. Someone trying to placate me makes me feel managed, which is inauthentic and painful.

How to Just Be Nice

You might wonder, “Okay, this is great, but…can you speak your truth and be nice?”

Yes.

You can also draw appropriate boundaries while being nice.

The first step to changing too nice behavior comes from awareness, and the questions inside the guide will make you more aware of when you’re attempting to manipulate out of fear of conflict rather than genuinely being nice.

There’s no judgment. Just consider whether you use ‘niceness’ in this way and how it leaves you feeling.

A relationship inventory can also be helpful to see where you’re not acting in your best interests.

I’ve included a few questions in the guide to walk you through this, but you might discover you’re frustrated in relationships where you’re being ‘nice’ to avoid having hard conversations.

The reality is we need to have hard conversations to have real relationships. They don’t even have to be hard- the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Start with low-stakes relationships.

In my position, people often ask me to do things I can’t or don’t want to do.

For example, someone might ask me to connect them with a podcast I appeared on. It depends on the person, but most of the time, the answer is either “I don’t know the host well enough to ask them,” or “I don’t know your work well enough to go to the mat for you.”

The more honest you are, the more you’ll start to recognize what’s on your side of the street and what isn’t. Knowing what you’re responsible for makes it easier to be legitimately caring and nice to people rather than being nice as a way to control other people or outcomes. And it feels so much more authentic and freeing!

I hope this episode helped you tune into whether you’re too nice and gave you ideas on how to shift into healthier and authentic relationship dynamics.

Remember to download the guide to discover your downloaded niceness blueprint, and if you enjoyed this conversation, head over to my membership for more discussions like this with me every week.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/articles/202503/are-you-too-nice

714 Being Nice to Avoid Conflict Isn’t Nice, It’s Controlling – Here’s Why

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“Shoveling your elderly neighbor’s driveway is nice. Not telling someone the truth about what you feel to avoid them being upset is not nice. That’s more manipulative than nice.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are you a nice person?

Do you think it’s possible to be too nice? Or that wanting to be nice is an excuse some high-functioning codependents hide behind to avoid conflict?

In my personal and professional experience, it is possible to be too nice, and it’s not great for your relationships.

In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be nice, what being too nice looks like, why it matters, and how to shift your behavior to authentic niceness.

Highlights:4:15 Is it possible to be too nice?7:30 Cultivating a healthy balance of mutual investment in a relationship9:50 What is real niceness?16:00 Why honesty is actually niceLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

713 Master the Art of Conversation with Jefferson Fisher

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“The majority of people are hungry for calm energy. The power is not in the zinger from the talking heads on your favorite news channel, or having this quick clapback that’s going to sound cool for a second. The power is in having a calm energy that says, “whatever you say to me does not threaten me.” – Jefferson Fisher

Intro

I’m so psyched to welcome lawyer, author, and communication expert Jefferson Fisher to the show to talk about his book, The Next Conversation.

Many of you likely know Jefferson from social media, and for good reason- he teaches effective communication in an extremely accessible way. It’s why I love his work and invited him to the show.

During our conversation, Jefferson shared the many ways his parents influenced his communication skills and style, the lessons he learned from them, as well as why direct communication is attractive, how to keep calm during tricky conversations, and so much more.

Highlights:3:10 Jefferson’s origin story and the lessons about communication he learned from his father12:15 Why now is the time for Jefferson’s book, The Next Conversation15:40 Cultivating emotional self-regulation and calmness, even in conflict10:25 Why speaking directly is an attractive quality27:10 Identifying the struggles beneath your arguments33:30 The corrosive effect of stonewalling35:00 Jefferson’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Jefferson Fisher

Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, writer, and speaker whose work to help people communicate during life’s everyday arguments and conversations, with his practical videos and authentic presence, has gained millions of followers around the world, including celebrities and global leaders. He is a sought-after speaker on communication at Fortune 500 companies and governmental agencies, and hundreds of thousands of people subscribe to his actionable email newsletter and podcast. Fisher is a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and the founder of Fisher Firm, where he helps people all over the United States connect to trusted legal services. He lives with his wife and two children near Beaumont, Texas.

Website: https://jeffersonfisher.com
Book: https://thenextconversation.com
IG: https://instagram.com/jefferson_fisher

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency: A Recovery Framework for True Freedom

Have you ever been the one holding everything together — for everyone?
The person who’s calm under pressure, endlessly competent, and always there to fix a problem, soothe a feeling, or manage a crisis…
Only to realize that no one ever really checks in with you?

If that sounds familiar, welcome to the world of High-Functioning Codependency (HFC).
You’re not broken. You’re not failing.
But you are stuck in a pattern — and patterns can be changed.

This episode is your guide to understanding HFC, recognizing its costs, and taking your very first steps toward true recovery.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is High-Functioning Codependency?

When most people hear “codependency,” they imagine a messy, visible dynamic — someone losing themselves in a toxic relationship.
But HFC is different.

High-Functioning Codependency often looks like success.

You’re the one managing travel plans, remembering every birthday, soothing tension before it even erupts.

From the outside? You look like you have it all together.
Inside? You’re exhausted, resentful, and starting to lose yourself.

In fact, the more capable you are, the less anyone notices the deep, quiet burnout beneath the surface.

Definition:
HFC is being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, and circumstances of others — at the expense of your own peace, health, and well-being.

You became “the fixer,” “the helper,” “the emotional air traffic controller” because somewhere along the way, you learned that being valuable meant being useful.

The Hidden Costs of Over-Giving
If you’ve been living this way for a while, the toll adds up:

Chronic burnout and adrenal fatigueHealth issues like autoimmune disorders or digestive problemsSuppressed joy and disconnection from your own desiresAnger, resentment, and emotional exhaustionSurface-level relationships instead of true intimacy

And perhaps the most heartbreaking part?

You start to lose touch with your own identity.
Your needs.
Your voice.

Why You Say “Yes” (Even When You Want to Say “No”)

One of the hallmarks of HFC is the “Yes Reflex.”
The automatic agreement, the quick offer to help, the immediate volunteering — even when you’re already stretched too thin.

Here’s why it happens:

Saying “yes” feels safer than risking disappointment.Early conditioning taught you that being agreeable = being lovable.Auto-helping feels like control (and control feels like safety).

But overcommitting leaves you drained and resentful — and reinforces the cycle you’re trying to break.

The First Step to Freedom: Buy Time

Before you can say a conscious yes or no, you need a pause.
Create space between the ask and your answer.

Here are a few simple scripts:

“Thanks for thinking of me! I’ll check my calendar and get back to you.”“I’ve implemented a 24-hour decision-making policy for my sanity — I’ll let you know tomorrow.”“I’ll need some time to think about that. I’ll circle back.”

Buying yourself time is not selfish — it’s responsible.

You can’t honor your yes until you have the freedom to say no.

Communicating Boundaries with Calm and Clarity

Knowing your boundaries isn’t enough.

You have to be able to speak them — clearly, compassionately, and without apology.

Here are some sentence starters to practice:

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not available.”“I’d like to make a simple request that we take turns deciding where to meet for dinner.”“When you interrupt me while I’m talking, it makes me feel unheard. I’d appreciate it if we could both be fully present.”

It might feel uncomfortable at first.
(You might even spontaneously cry, that’s okay.)

But every time you practice, you’re rewiring your nervous system for safety and self-respect.

Regulating Your Nervous System: The Missing Piece

Setting boundaries isn’t just a mental shift — it’s a somatic one.

If you’ve spent your life equating self-prioritization with danger, your body will react when you try to change.

That’s why nervous system regulation is essential to HFC recovery.

Tools to soothe your system:

Deep breathing exercisesMeditation (even just 5 minutes a day)Cold water hand plungesBilateral tapping (crossing hands over the body and breathing deeply)Aromatherapy (lavender, geranium, and other calming scents)

You have to feel safe inside your body before you can show up differently outside.

The Five Pillars of Recovery

Breaking the cycle of High-Functioning Codependency isn’t about hustling harder or “fixing yourself.”
It’s about coming home to yourself.

Here’s the roadmap I guide my students through:

Self-Awareness- Recognizing the automatic patterns driving your behavior.Self-Knowledge -Unearthing the beliefs, experiences, and conditioning that shaped you.Self-Acceptance – Offering yourself compassion instead of criticism.Self-Compassion – Healing the inner wounds that fueled over-functioning.Self-Love and Celebration – Reclaiming your right to rest, joy, boundaries, and wholeness.

You’re not broken.
You’re patterned.
And patterns can be unlearned.

Final Thought: You Are Not Alone

If your heart aches reading this, please hear me:

There is nothing wrong with you.
You learned to survive in a world that asked too much and offered too little.

You don’t have to keep carrying the weight of everyone else’s life.

You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to say no. You’re allowed to be loved for who you are — not what you do.

Recovery is possible.

And it starts with one brave step.

Want deeper support?

Check out my brand-new course:
Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency — a 6-week, therapeutically-informed journey to stop over-functioning and finally come home to yourself.
Enroll here and get immediate access to the course.

712 How to Shift Away from Over-Functioning & Reclaim Your Peace (Without Guilt)

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“You confuse being available with being valuable. Do you see that those two things are not the same?” – Terri Cole

Intro

Recently I held an interactive workshop that went too well not to share with you guys. So for today’s episode, I’m uploading a special treat: The full 90-minute workshop recording! In it, I give a rundown on over-functioning archetypes, the costs of high-functioning codependency, and the pillars of boundary mastery– Plus, I answer all your boundary-setting questions. I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed being there with all of you!

Highlights:2:00 A grounding to help us be present during the workshop8:00 What is your over-functioning archetype?12:40 Recognizing high-functioning codependency21:00 The costs of high-functioning codependency25:30 Patterns to unlearn if you are a high functioning codependent38:20 How our childhood lessons can contribute to poor boundaries43:10 Managing anxiety and guilt when you’re setting boundaries45:50 A second grounding exercise for managing boundary-setting anxiety50:00 My pillars of boundary mastery54:00 Answering your questions about boundaries and high-functioning codependencyLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Visit terricole.com/stop if you’re interested in the course I mentioned during the workshop. It’s all about curbing your own high-functioning codependency!

Sign up for the Terri Cole Membership at terricole.com/tcm

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

711 Upending Silence, Stigma, and Shame with Dr. Jessica Zucker



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Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“And that’s the thing about shame– It makes people hide in their own little corners, thinking they’re so alone. The community is right there, but we feel like somehow we just can’t reach them.” – Dr. Jessica Zucker

Intro

I’m so excited to have Dr. Jessica Zucker, author of I HAD A MISCARRIAGE: A Memoir, a Movement, on the show to talk about her new book, NORMALIZE IT: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame That Shape Women’s Lives. 

We talked about the “cult of shame” that women are indoctrinated into, from getting your period, to having a miscarriage, to going into perimenopause or menopause: all the things we’re not ‘supposed’ to talk about as women!

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did and are inspired to think about what shame you’re holding and how you might acknowledge and honor it.

Highlights:2:45 Jessica’s origin story10:30 The inspiration behind Jessica’s newest book, Normalize It: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame that Shape Women’s Lives20:00 Making the choice to reject invisibility as older women24:00 Aging on your own terms26:00 Recognizing the value of your experience without comparing it to others’29:15 The isolating effect of shame35:30 Jessica’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Dr. Jessica Zucker

Jessica Zucker is a Los Angeles-based psychologist specializing in reproductive health and the author of the award-winning book I HAD A MISCARRIAGE: A Memoir, a Movement. Jessica is the creator of the viral #IHadaMiscarriage campaign. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, Vogue, and Harvard Business Review, among others. She’s been featured on NPR, The Today Show, and Good Morning America and earned advanced degrees from New York University and Harvard University. Her newest book is NORMALIZE IT: Upending the Silence, Stigma, and Shame That Shape Women’s Lives.

IG: https://instagram.com/ihadamiscarriage

Website: https://drjessicazucker.com

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

710 The Power of Ritual and Celebration With Amber Salisbury

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“Ceremony and ritual is a boundary. It’s a time and space that we carve out for ourselves that belongs only to us and anyone else we choose to invite in.” – Amber Salisbury

Intro

I’m so happy to have Amber Salisbury on the show for an inspiring conversation that you might want to listen to with a cup of coffee in hand!

Amber and her husband Andrew founded Purity Coffee in 2016 with the goal of creating healthy coffee you can feel good about drinking, and Amber has also founded Sacred Cups to honor rituals around coffee. 

She shares a ritual with us later in the conversation and also how her many varied life experiences brought her here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and as a gift, if you head to puritycoffee.com/terricole and use code “terricole” you get 30% off your first order until May 15, 2025.

Highlights:4:10 Amber’s origin story as a celebrant, anthropologist, and end-of-life doula10:20 Coping with end-of-life instead of denying it13:20 How many cultures around the world infuse coffee with meaning and connection with coffee rituals19:00 The story behind Purity Coffee11:25 What are Sacred Cups?26:00 Creating a ritual around coffee31:20 An example ritual for you to make your own38:20 Amber’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Amber Salisbury

From an early age, Amber’s life has been marked by a deep fascination with people, their stories, and the rituals that shape their lives. Her unique exposure to diverse cultures began in her childhood, having lived in India, Sri Lanka, and the hills of Tennessee. This fostered her curiosity about human history and the intricacies of different societies, which she further explored through her studies in psychology, sociology, and anthropology.

In 2016, Amber co-founded Purity Coffee with her husband Andrew. Purity Coffee is dedicated to producing the highest quality coffee with a focus on health benefits, ensuring every decision is based on health, scientific research and sustainability.

Amber’s personal journey from her childhood celebrations to a deep connection with indigenous rituals is reflected in Sacred Cups mission to celebrate and honor the human experience. Through Sacred Cups, she continues to make a meaningful impact on the world.

Website: https://puritycoffee.com & https://sacredcups.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

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How Manipulators + Narcissists Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Control You

How manipulatable are you?

When someone is using fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to control you, do you recognize it, or not?

If not, or you’ve never heard of FOG, you’re in the right place. This episode is all about the FOG technique, commonly used by narcissists and others to manipulate people to do what they want at all costs. I’m breaking down what it is and sharing real-life examples from my therapy practice to help you become less susceptible.

Note: the purpose of this episode is to educate you on how people will try to manipulate you, not to make diagnoses. People using one of these tactics in isolation (like guilt) does not automatically make them narcissists.

https://youtu.be/gvWT7Cd3r1A

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

How Manipulatable Are You?

In my younger life, I spent many years in denial about the truth of how manipulative people could be because it was painful.

I also fell into the category of positive projection, which is important to be aware of in the context of manipulation.

Positive projection is when we assume other people are like us and share our same morals, values, and ethics, even though we don’t have any proof that they do. We just project our own positive traits onto them.

Can you see how this might make someone more susceptible to manipulation?

When you’re a decent person, it’s easy to fall for manipulative people because you’re more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt. Positive projection makes us vulnerable to manipulators because it doesn’t cross our minds to act manipulatively.

What is FOG?

The FOG acronym was coined by Dr. Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their book, Emotional Blackmail.¹

It was originally used to describe the foggy feeling we often get when in a relationship with someone who suffers from an untreated personality disorder or is a narcissist.

Manipulators and narcissists use the FOG technique to control and maintain dominance in their relationships.

Here’s how they do it:

Fear: The manipulative person may instill a fear of abandonment by threatening social isolation or retaliation. By saying things like, “What will other people think?” the partner may hesitate to leave or set boundaries.

Obligation: When someone is masterful at employing the FOG technique, they exploit your sense of responsibility and duty. Narcissists are especially skilled at flipping the script. You might raise a complaint and somehow find yourself apologizing by the end, wondering how the heck that happened.

They also justify their demands and normalize them by bringing other people into it: “Everyone does this!”

Guilt: Manipulative people may try to guilt-trip their partners into staying, even if the partner no longer loves them and wants to leave, especially if the narcissist is still getting something from them (like supply).

They may also try making you feel responsible for their actions or emotions, even when you’re not at fault. It’s the classic, “If you hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have done Y.” “You made me act badly.” This is BS- no one makes anyone do anything.

Real-Life Examples of FOG Being Used

To give you a deeper understanding of how fear, obligation, and guilt are used, here are real-life examples I’ve seen from my therapy practice.

I once had a client whose husband said, “I will kill myself if you ever leave.”

This is heavy to carry and people often wonder, what if they follow through?

The reality is you aren’t responsible for their choice.

I’ve heard lots of stories of mom guilt from clients, too. “If you don’t spend Christmas week at the family house, then you don’t love me.”

Or a father saying, “You’re killing your mother because you won’t do this. Don’t you know she has high blood pressure and this is causing her so much stress? Why can’t you do this for her? It’s not that big of a deal.”

I also had a client whose husband was super manipulative and would say things like, “Listen…I wasn’t going to say anything, but Bob also told me he was worried about you and thinks you’ve gone off the rails.” This is using fake concern meant to instill shame, fear, and insecurity in you.

Similarly, I had a client who left a very religious sect in a small town, and whenever she saw people from the church, they’d say, “How are you? We’re praying for you.” Again, fake concern. They’re really saying we disapprove of your choices and using disapproval to manipulate.

As I mentioned before, flipping the script is another common manipulation tactic where the person flips your words into something else, saying you meant X by saying Y, even though you never said X. You may find yourself apologizing to de-escalate the conflict while your initial concern goes unaddressed. This confusion literally creates a fog.

How Fear Impacts Us

When you fear the person you’re with, you’re psychologically at a disadvantage.

You stop bringing things up with them, knowing they’ll get mad or jealous, and your life becomes smaller as a result.

Living with someone using the FOG technique can impact your long-term health, too. Fear is the same as anxiety. They both produce the same stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline), which have a physical impact on top of the psychological impact it has.

That’s why it’s important to raise your awareness around this manipulation technique. Inside the guide, I’ve included questions for you to answer to evaluate your relationships for manipulative behavior.

Follow These Steps to Protect Yourself From FOG

You don’t need to participate in the FOG dynamic. You can change your experience by changing your situation.

First, learn everything you can learn about the personality disorder you believe the person using the FOG technique has. This will increase your understanding and awareness and make you less susceptible to their manipulation.

Second, get support. Manipulation becomes much easier to navigate when you don’t feel isolated. I have a beautiful community full of like-hearted women who meet weekly for a Q&A call where I answer questions. You can join and get all the details here.

Third, create better boundaries- emotionally, and internally. Boundaries create protection and serve as a reminder that you can empower yourself.

Fourth, when getting into new relationships, slow it down and let people reveal themselves over time.

You don’t need to make negative assumptions or be paranoid, but slowing down can help avoid positive projection and ensure what you know about someone is based on the reality of what they’ve shown you. Remember, not everyone is like you or has your good qualities.

Narcissists also use love bombing and future pacing to make us think they’re serious about us, but it’s actually a red flag to watch out for. If someone invites you to a wedding taking place in five months after dating for three weeks, you probably want to pump the brakes.

Lastly, if the situation you’re in is abusive, please create a plan to get out safely. I have a whole blog post outlining how you can do so here, but it’s critical not to reveal your cards or talk about any plans to leave with the abusive person. Your safety is the top priority.

I hope this episode was helpful and raised your awareness around the FOG technique, making you less susceptible to it. Download the guide and run through the questions to ensure you’re not experiencing manipulation from anyone in your life. And if you are, please seek support and know that the Terri Cole Membership is a soft place to land.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt