Being Nice to Avoid Conflict Isn’t Nice, It’s Controlling – Here’s Why

Are you a nice person?

Do you think it’s possible to be too nice? Or that wanting to be nice is an excuse some high-functioning codependents hide behind to avoid conflict?

In my personal and professional experience, it is possible to be too nice, and it’s not great for your relationships.

In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be nice, what being too nice looks like, why it matters, and how to shift your behavior to authentic niceness.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Being Nice vs. Too Nice

Let’s start with the difference between being authentically nice and too nice.

For example, an actual act of niceness is agreeing to shovel an elderly neighbor’s walkway and driveway so they don’t have to.

Generally, it’s doing something kind that’s (usually) asked for and needed.

Being too nice is not telling someone the truth about how you feel to avoid upsetting them. While you might think your motivation is to be nice, if you look deeper, you can see that you are not telling them so you can avoid dealing with their upset feelings. This fact puts the behavior squarely in the camp of being more manipulative and controlling than nice.

We need to look at niceness through an honest lens because it’s easy to hide behind I’m just doing it to be nice!

So, what does being too nice look like in relationships?

It often takes the shape of codependency, which is an overt or covert bid, desire, or attempt to control other people.

For example, “taking one for the team” (especially when no one asked) can seem nice, but it can also be an attempt to control a situation with your behavior.

Going along to get along is another example. Is it nice to endlessly defer to someone else or always let your partner choose because you’re ‘easy-breezy?’ Or is it not taking responsibility and not asserting yourself?

Placating or telling people what they want to hear also falls under this category.

You may feel like you need to placate someone you’re afraid of or who is defensive, but placating isn’t nice.

In this situation, it’s manipulative because you’re trying to control the other person’s feelings. If what you want to say might provoke them, you’re staying silent to avoid conflict, not to be nice.

Please note: None of this applies to anyone who is in an abusive situation. Click here for resources to leave an abusive situation safely.

Whenever you say, “I don’t want them to think,” or “I don’t want them to feel,” this is a cue to back it up and get on your side of the street. What other people think and feel is not your responsibility. What you think and feel is.

Another “too nice” behavior is making your partner the center of your world.¹

I had a therapy client whose entire marriage was based on what her partner wanted or was interested in. From where they lived to the music they listened to in the car, everything was about him.

After continuously acquiescing to avoid conflict over their 15-year marriage, she’s learning to assert herself, and her husband is noticing, pushing back some, and wondering why now.

In the guide, you’ll find questions to uncover your downloaded ‘niceness’ blueprint and why you might interact with people this way.

Why Are We Compelled to Be Too Nice?

We often come by these “too nice” behaviors honestly and early in life.

Most of us were raised and praised to be self-abandoning codependents and taught to be pleasing, considerate, and thoughtful. Our indoctrination into the cult of nice happens without us noticing.

People-pleasing can help us survive childhood, too. It’s a real skill when it comes to avoiding conflict or rejection.

While it’s common to ‘be nice’ to avoid hurting other people’s feelings, satisfying and long-lasting relationships require truth. Constant agreement only lasts for so long.

I genuinely thought these too nice behaviors were nice in my 20s, but as I got healthier, I realized I was using ‘niceness’ to avoid having hard conversations.

Of course, being ‘nice’ didn’t give me the relationships I wanted, and it will likely not give you the relationships you want, either.

By the way, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be nice, just that we need to be honest about whether we’re justifying codependent behavior and calling it “being nice.”

You Don’t Know Where You Stand With Someone Who’s Too Nice

Being overly nice in communicating is often misleading and confusing, almost like you’re delivering bad news with a smile.

If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this, you know how frustrating it can be.

When someone obstructs or masks what they’re saying with ‘niceness,’ I have an immediate, rageful response. (Probably because I was the queen of being roundabout and walking on eggshells when I was younger!)

It’s the equivalent of someone in the South of the US saying, “Oh, bless his heart.” They don’t actually mean it. They mean the person is a hot mess or a moron.

Using indirect communication like this means you don’t have to own what you’re saying, which is why I dislike it.

When we say, “I didn’t want to say anything because I wanted to be nice,” we have to get honest: omitting things or saying yes when you want to say no is not nice. It’s misleading, confusing, and dishonest.

I prefer people being direct and telling me the truth, even if it’s a truth I don’t like. Someone trying to placate me makes me feel managed, which is inauthentic and painful.

How to Just Be Nice

You might wonder, “Okay, this is great, but…can you speak your truth and be nice?”

Yes.

You can also draw appropriate boundaries while being nice.

The first step to changing too nice behavior comes from awareness, and the questions inside the guide will make you more aware of when you’re attempting to manipulate out of fear of conflict rather than genuinely being nice.

There’s no judgment. Just consider whether you use ‘niceness’ in this way and how it leaves you feeling.

A relationship inventory can also be helpful to see where you’re not acting in your best interests.

I’ve included a few questions in the guide to walk you through this, but you might discover you’re frustrated in relationships where you’re being ‘nice’ to avoid having hard conversations.

The reality is we need to have hard conversations to have real relationships. They don’t even have to be hard- the more you do it, the easier it gets!

Start with low-stakes relationships.

In my position, people often ask me to do things I can’t or don’t want to do.

For example, someone might ask me to connect them with a podcast I appeared on. It depends on the person, but most of the time, the answer is either “I don’t know the host well enough to ask them,” or “I don’t know your work well enough to go to the mat for you.”

The more honest you are, the more you’ll start to recognize what’s on your side of the street and what isn’t. Knowing what you’re responsible for makes it easier to be legitimately caring and nice to people rather than being nice as a way to control other people or outcomes. And it feels so much more authentic and freeing!

I hope this episode helped you tune into whether you’re too nice and gave you ideas on how to shift into healthier and authentic relationship dynamics.

Remember to download the guide to discover your downloaded niceness blueprint, and if you enjoyed this conversation, head over to my membership for more discussions like this with me every week.

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/articles/202503/are-you-too-nice