Terri Cole's Blog, page 20

652 10 Signs You’re Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“We all have really good reasons for being the way that we are. You might feel a lot of anger when you discover how self-abandoning you have been in your life, but that’s okay. Show yourself compassion and let yourself have those feelings.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?

Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself?

Do you look outside yourself for validation?

If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment: what it is, why we do it, the signs, and how you can move into self-consideration instead.

Highlights:3:20 Understanding self-abandonment6:30 How self-abandonment starts in childhood10:00 The signs and symptoms of self-abandonment15:30 Self-abandonment can cause shapeshifting and loss of identity in relationships18:00 Steps for course-correcting away from self-abandonmentLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up for my summit on real love— It starts today! terricole.com/summit

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

651 Weaving The Wild and The Sacred Into Your Life with Elizabeth DiAlto

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Embodiment work helps you to literally move through things and process things without having to talk about it. We love therapy, but sometimes, we can only talk about things so much.” – Elizabeth DiAlto

Intro

I am so thrilled to have my pal, embodiment expert and author Elizabeth DiAlto, back on the show!

We talked about Elizabeth’s new fiction book, Dark Healing, and why she wrote it, as well as the differences between being triggered and activated, how embodiment can help us get out of our minds and into our body, the spiritual aspect of embodiment, and so much more.

I hope you enjoy this girlfriend jam as much as I did!

Highlights:03:00 Elizabeth’s origin story in spirituality and how she went from writing self-help to writing fiction11:05 How Elizabeth entered the world of embodiment work16:30 Being sensitive to your triggers instead of seeking to destroy them25:00 The way embodiment work helps you move through things in a different way than talking about them31:40 Elizabeth’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Elizabeth DiAlto

Known for her nuanced, inclusive, and humor-infused approach to spirituality and the healing arts, Elizabeth DiAlto is an Embodiment Specialist and a Spiritual Futurist.

In 2013 she founded the School of Sacred Embodiment, where she’s developed a range of healing and liberatory frameworks and modalities that blend together movement, energy work, and mystical wisdom. Her specialty is helping people live through what she calls the highest part of all of us – our Wild Soul.

A native New Yorker with Boricua and mixed-European roots, Elizabeth now calls Miami home, is an avid salsa dancer, and has a laugh that has been described as “a sound bath of sunshine and joy.”

Website: https://untameyourself.com/links
Instagram: https://instagram.com/elizabethdialto
Membership: https://untameyourself.com/reweave/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Are You Hyper-Independent? Signs, Causes, and Real-Life Examples

How do you feel about asking others for help?

Are you good at it, or do you avoid it because you don’t want to ‘owe’ anybody anything?

Do you find it difficult to believe other people will show up for you the way you show up for them?

Or does being vulnerable scare you?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about hyper-independence: what it is, why it matters, what causes us to act this way, signs to help you identify whether this is you, and how to shift into healthy independence and interdependence. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Hyper-Independence?

Hyper-independence can sometimes be an extreme form of self-reliance that often creates unfulfilling relationships and leads to isolation. 

It can result in doing way too much for others without expecting reciprocity. 

Hyper-independence is sometimes considered a trauma response from not being able to trust people as a child. 

Revisiting your childhood, or “the scene of the crime,” as I like to say, is helpful because it’s where we first learn these behaviors. 

Let’s look at how the behavior of the adults in your life may have contributed to hyper-independence. 

What Causes Hyper-Independence?

Inconsistent parenting is one cause of hyper-independence. 

This is when parental figures cycle between being reliable and unreliable. Kids of inconsistent parents learn to do things themselves because they can’t count on their parents to follow through. 

Inconsistent parenting might involve addiction, illness (mental or physical), or abuse. All of these things can make the adults in your life untrustworthy. 

Childhood neglect can also create a sense of hyper-independence. If this was your experience, you may be overly driven to ensure you have everything you need in adulthood, almost to undo the past. But you do this without asking others for help. 

Hyper-independence can also come from being punished after asking for help in childhood or seeing hyper-independence modeled by your parental figures. 

One of the most common causes of hyper-independence that I see in my crew, especially among high-functioning codependents, is child parentification. 

There are two types: emotional and structural.

Emotional parentification includes a parent treating you as their confidant and telling you things inappropriate for your age (like financial or relationship issues). 

Structural parentification includes young children doing adult tasks, like making dinner for younger siblings. Not safe or healthy. 

At its core, parentification sets kids up to fail because they’re not wired to take care of adult tasks or comprehend adult challenges. Parentified children then grow up thinking they need to take care of everything and everyone else. 

Hyper-independence serves us well as kids, but when we carry these behaviors into adulthood, they become maladaptive. 

The Difference Between Healthy Independence + Hyper-Independence

You may be wondering, what’s the difference between healthy independence and hyper-independence?

Healthy independence sounds like, “I got this, but I will ask for help when I need it.”

Hyper-independence sounds like, “I got this, and I don’t feel comfortable asking for help. It’s easier for me to do it myself, and I get to avoid being a burden or being disappointed by someone.” 

It’s like we do things on our own to protect ourselves from the painful experiences we may have had in childhood. Unfortunately, it’s an illusion, as people have the power to hurt us in other ways.

Download the guide here for tips on how to shift into healthy independence.

Signs You Might Be Hyper-Independent

Let’s review the characteristics of hyper-independence. Are any of these behaviors familiar to you?

Over-achievingOver-committingRefusing to ask for helpPutting up walls in relationships (avoiding vulnerability)Lack of trust in othersStressed or burnt outDislike neediness/don’t want to appear ‘weak’Pushing people away (avoidant)Saying, “I got it, I’m good!” Feeling like you’re better off alone because it guarantees you won’t get hurt

When you’re hyper-independent, being vulnerable is scary.

When I met my husband, Vic, I remember talking to my therapist about how being vulnerable with him was terrifying.

I told her, “I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to give him even more power to annihilate me.”

“Wow, that’s telling. Why do you think he would annihilate you?” she replied.

I didn’t think I could take it if Vic turned out to be someone other than who I thought he was. This fear of vulnerability came from the child within me and truly felt like life or death.

(The inner child fear feels more intense than an adult fear because everything feels like a five-alarm fire when we’re a child since we’re not in a position of empowerment.)

Eventually, I overcame my fears, but it took a while for me to realize Vic wasn’t going anywhere, nor was he holding anything over my head, and he was efficient and effective. 

He loved me and wanted to be part of my solution, whatever the problem. It remains the same today. 

But in the first year of our relationship, a little part of me waited for the other shoe to drop.

Vic was widowed, divorced, and had three acting-out teenage sons. It’s not like I walked into Pleasantville. But he and the boys were and are perfect for me, and eventually, I realized I could trust Vic. I didn’t have to do it all myself. 

I learned this the hard way, though. 

When I took Vic to meet my sister and her husband for the first time, I twisted my ankle so badly that I had to keep it elevated. I couldn’t control anything. I couldn’t pack up our things, and I couldn’t control their conversations. I was a basket case. 

What did I end up learning?

That Vic was highly capable.

He had been raising three sons alone for 12 years before I came along- he could pack a suitcase just fine (and take care of me, too!).

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks and made me feel like I could exhale for the first time in my life. 

The quality of my life improved so much when I moved from hyper-independence to healthy independence and, ultimately, to interdependence.

The Connection to High-Functioning Codependency

There’s a lot of crossover between hyper-independence and high-functioning codependency. 

The mantras of high-functioning codependents (HFCs) are: “I got it, I’m good” and, “It has to be me.” It’s feeling like if it’s going to get done and get done right, it has to be me.

When you’re highly capable, as HFCs are, you do ‘got it.’ But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Or that you should do it alone. 

HFCs are quick to learn about and listen to others, but they’re not great at revealing things about themselves because, again, they don’t want to be vulnerable. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence 

“I got it” behavior comes at a real cost. 

As my mother Janny Cole would say, offers to help dry up when we never receive them. 

This leads to resentment and burnout because the amount we’re doing is unsustainable. 

When you’re hyper-independent, you may feel unseen. The existential loneliness that comes from not being seen or heard is real. 

I’ve seen this in myself. It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but despite being a recovering HFC, I can still sometimes feel the martyred part of me say, “Nobody knows how much work I do. Nobody understands what it’s like to be me.”

When I start thinking this way, I know it’s time to check in: why aren’t you reaching out for support or asking for what you need? Why aren’t you telling the truth about how you feel?

This daily check-in is necessary when you’re in recovery from HFC. It is a continuous practice of choosing healthier behaviors. The more you check in, the more your muscle develops.

When you’re hyper-independent and an HFC, you’re likely overtly or covertly attempting to control aspects of your relationships, which creates interpersonal strife. 

The reason this matters is because I want you to have relationships that feel great. I want you to be seen and known. You – the authentic you – is worth knowing. 

How to Move Into Healthier Ways of Relating

I understand the pain and fear of being vulnerable. You can do this one step at a time. 

Inside the guide, you’ll find tips on how to shift into healthier ways of relating. 

To name a few, it helps to: 

Slowly figure out who we can ask for help and how to askBe discerning with who we trustCreate healthy boundaries for ourselves and our relationshipsSay “yes” when people offer to helpPractice self-consideration and self-compassionBe flexible enough to be in relationships with mutuality where we don’t have to control everything or do it all ourselves

If you identify as being hyper-independent, I hope this gives you hope that you can change and learn new ways of relating. 

Make sure you pre-order my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, because I cover this topic more in-depth there. 

And if you want even more ideas for cultivating healthy relationships, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It’s happening October 8-10 and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights. 

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

650 Are You Hyper-Independent? Signs, Causes, and Real-Life Examples

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“There is a huge cost to being hyper-independent in our relationships. It’s not free. If you always say, ‘I got it,’ when people offer help, sooner or later the offers start drying up.” – Terri Cole

Intro

How do you feel about asking others for help?

Are you good at it, or do you avoid it because you don’t want to ‘owe’ anybody anything?

Do you find it difficult to believe other people will show up for you the way you show up for them?

Or does being vulnerable scare you?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about hyper-independence: what it is, why it matters, what causes us to act this way, signs to help you identify whether this is you, and how to shift into healthy independence and interdependence.

Highlights:2:45 Defining hyper-independence3:15 How hyper-independence originates in childhood8:40 The signs of hyper-independence13:40 The cost of hyper-independence and the solutionLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up at terricole.com/yes for my brand-new all-access membership!

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

649 There Are No Stupid Questions in Science with Leah Elson

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“People want so desperately to trust science, but scientists aren’t approachable or relatable. To be a proficient scientist, you have to be able to communicate effectively.” – Leah Elson

Intro

I am so excited to welcome my science girl crush, Leah Elson, to the show to talk about a variety of things: her book, There Are No Stupid Questions in Science, why she’s so passionate about being a public science communicator, her pivot from sportscasting into this field, and how she is working to give herself more grace and place less pressure on herself.

If you’re a fellow high-functioning codependent, I really think this is one you’ll relate to!

Highlights:2:25 Leah’s origin story in science3:50 Leah’s dual career as a clinical development scientist and science communicator6:50 The inspiration behind There Are No Stupid Questions in Science13:00 Aging with curiosity15:50 The logic behind the wide-ranging topics Leah includes in her communication19:30 Leah’s science communication heroes21:20 How Leah balances her cerebral jobs with physical activity24:00 Finding your self-worth in the being, not in the doing28:00 Leah’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Leah Elson

Leah Elson is an academically published clinical development scientist, public science communicator, and non-fiction author. Her research career in human medicine has included the fields of orthopedics, oncology, and neuroscience.

Website: https://www.leahelson.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/gnarlybygnature

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Answering Your Qs About Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency

Do you believe that setting boundaries means being confrontational?

Do you wish you knew how to cut someone off nicely, especially if it involves a professional relationship?

Are you tired of confiding in others only for them to make your pain about them?

Or have you wondered if it’s ever okay to “jump in and fix things” for someone struggling?

These are just some questions I’m answering about boundaries and high-functioning codependency in this episode. Let’s dive in.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Question #1: How Can I Be Softer When Setting Boundaries?

“How can I be soft and feminine while holding boundaries with my loved ones? As a recovering people-pleaser who never knew how to set boundaries, it’s challenging. Additionally, I’m having trouble figuring out the balance between being soft but not getting manipulated, particularly by a narcissist.”

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, I wouldn’t necessarily worry about being soft.

Strength is what you’ll need to hold boundaries with a narcissist because they’re clever and manipulative.

I understand you’re a recovering people-pleaser and might be afraid to set boundaries, but I also hear a limiting belief in how you worded your question: do you feel like setting boundaries is about being mean or saying NO as loudly as possible?

I ask because many folks believe that setting boundaries is automatically bitchy, and it doesn’t have to be. We can set boundaries with love and kindness when appropriate. It’s all about your tone of voice and the language you use.

You can start a boundary conversation with something positive and true if it’s someone you don’t want to offend: “I love the time we spend together, and I’d like to make a simple request that you text me to see if it’s a good time before you stop by my house.”

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our relationships. When we don’t have boundaries, we often give corrupted data to others.

For example, saying “yes” when we want to say “no” robs people of the chance to know our true preferences.

A lack of boundaries also leads to resentment in us and our relationships.

It’s important to remember the discomfort we initially feel when learning to set boundaries is temporary. Discomfort persists when we avoid setting boundaries.

(If you want to go all-in on boundaries, check out my books: Boundary Boss and The Boundary Boss Workbook.)

Question #2: How Do I Deal With the Fallout of Bad Decisions Made By Others?

“When a partner or family member does something you know will create chaos, and you know you can do it better, how do you avoid jumping in to avoid the inevitable disruption to your life?”

You’re talking about a disruption to your life, but is it possible you’re unclear about what is on your side of the street and what is on the other person’s side of the street?

Everyone has the right to be sovereign, just as we do.

Yes, even if they’re doing something you disagree with. If they’re grown adults, it’s their right.

If it directly impacts us, we can voice our concerns or ask if they’d like help, but I wouldn’t jump in to fix it. Doing so robs people of the sovereignty they’re entitled to, even if you know you can do it better.

“It’s easier to do it myself because nobody will do it as well as I will” is the mantra of high-functioning codependents (HFCs), so I get it.

But this belief leads to unbalanced relationships where you over-function and over-give, and the other person under-functions as a result.

This dynamic also breeds resentment.

The person who feels controlled is resentful, and the person who feels like they have to do everything because no one else knows how feels resentful.

Instead of jumping in, have an open and honest conversation where you ask expansive questions to get an idea of where the other person is coming from and go from there.

Question #3: How to Differentiate Between Codependency and Just Being Nice?

“How do you differentiate between high-functioning codependency and just wanting to be nice and handle something for someone with a lot on their plate? ‘Letting people struggle and handle it themselves’ feels like I’m unsupportive and uncaring. It’s hard not to jump in and fix things since I am highly capable.” 

There are many options between “jumping in to fix things” and “letting them struggle.”

When you get into recovery from high-functioning codependency, you will learn you can still be the helpful, loving person you are without controlling the outcomes of others.

I suggest having a conversation: “How can I best support you right now? I have time on Wednesday. Would it be helpful if I did your food shopping?”

If they say, “No, I’m good, thanks,” respect their rejection of help. This is how we go from codependency to more interdependency, which leads to equitable, healthy relationships.

As HFCs, the mistake we often make is assuming we know what other people need and how they should live their lives.

But we don’t know better than they do.

While many HFCs are lovers and helpers, their desire to help is compulsive, which isn’t the same as ‘being nice.’ Being nice is a choice, compulsion is automatic.

This compulsion to help comes from the discomfort HFCs experience when others are in pain. Fixing problems as quickly as possible is their way of restoring peace (and controlling the situation).

It may not feel good to hear, but it’s true. The good news is that we can shift our behavior once we’re aware of it, and my upcoming book, Too Much, will help guide you through the process.

Question #4: When We Don’t Want People to Worry, Whose Side of the Street Are We On?

“When we keep things to ourselves because we don’t want people to worry, are we on their side of the street or ours?”

When you’re going through something difficult and could use other people’s support but don’t tell them because you don’t want them to worry, you rob them of their right to want to support you (if it’s a close relationship).

I saw this in myself with a recent cancer scare I had, where I waited a week for biopsy results after an abnormal mammogram. It was scary, and I confided in my husband, Vic, mother, sisters, and a few of my oldest pals.

Vic asked if I would tell our sons, and I said no.

My hesitancy to tell them and a few other close friends made me realize how deep my HFC tendencies run. It’s a daily practice to not actively be a high-functioning codependent.

I stand by my decision because I felt like I had the support I needed. I wouldn’t have felt better if my sons knew. Thankfully, the results were negative, and there was nothing to tell them.

We have to be discerning about who we’re protecting, too.

I don’t have a right to protect Vic from how I feel. Withholding info like an abnormal mammogram would have been me on his side of the street saying he couldn’t handle it. Not cool, and not healthy for my marriage.

Instead, I told him immediately, and he helped me carry the burden of my fear.

As HFCs, it’s important to figure out who can hold space for us during rough times so we can ask for and receive the support we need.

Question #5: What If Someone Makes Your Crisis About Them?

“When you share something vulnerable with someone, and they make it all about them, it causes more stress. My husband is navigating health challenges, and my mother-in-law’s inflammatory comments to my kids and husband feel inconsiderate, which makes me not want to tell her anything. What should I do?”

Your husband’s health challenges and your mother-in-law’s comments are between them.

You could have a conversation with her, especially since it involves your kids, but I would invite you to talk to your husband first and see how he feels about it. Is he bothered by her comments?

If so, you could say, “If you want to talk to your mother about this, can you please ask her not to say inflammatory things about your health in front of the children? It’s scaring them.”

Again, we need to be discerning about who we confide in. I don’t choose people who make my pain about them because they aren’t emotionally trustworthy and lack the capacity to see me as a separate human being.

It’s painful to be on the receiving end of someone who only sees what happens to you through the lens of how it impacts them.

Question #6: How Can We Cut People Off Nicely?

“Some older real estate clients like to talk my ear off. How can I build rapport with them while cutting them off nicely?”

I love to use non-threatening body language to support what we’re saying in situations like this.

Hold up one finger (not your whole hand, as that can seem aggressive), and say something like, “Can you hold up one second? I just wanted to say…” and then bring it back to the topic at hand. “Excuse me, I just wanted to bring this back to the listing price to get your input.”

We can also soften it with an apology. “Oh, I’m sorry, I need to stop you there because I’m running late and have another showing in 15 minutes!” Again, it comes back to your tone of voice- we can do this with a kind and upbeat vibe rather than being short.

Brand New: The Terri Cole All Access Membership

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A style. I love answering your questions!

This is why I’ve created a new membership where you can get your questions answered by me every single week on Zoom. You’ll even have the opportunity to be in the hot seat to receive coaching from me.

The membership also includes access to all of my signature courses, and we’ll have occasional workshops and guest speakers, too. Plus Team TC Coach Sarah is on hand to provide accountability calls for those going through courses.

Get all the details and sign up here. I’d love to see you inside!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

648 Answering Your Qs About Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“I don’t choose people who make my pain about them. Those are not the people I’m confiding in, because they’re not emotionally trustworthy and they don’t have the capacity to see you as a separate human being.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you believe that setting boundaries means being confrontational?

Do you wish you knew how to cut someone off nicely, especially if it involves a professional relationship?

Are you tired of confiding in others only for them to make your own pain into something about them?

Or have you wondered if it’s ever okay to “jump in and fix things” for someone who is struggling?

These are just some questions I’m answering about boundaries and high-functioning codependency in this episode. Let’s dive in.

Highlights:4:00 How can I stay soft and feminine and set boundaries? (Addressing limiting beliefs around boundary-setting)8:10 How can I avoid jumping in when it’s not my side of the street as a high functioning codependent?15:00 Am I on my side of the street if I keep things to myself so that others don’t worry?18:00 How do I handle it when I tell people things and they make it about themselves?21:50 An exciting announcement!Links Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up at terricole.com/yes for my brand-new all-access membership!

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

647 How to be a Powerful Speaker with Ashley Stahl

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Spend 20% of your time writing a talk and 80% of your time practicing it. The day you give the talk should be the most boring day of all.” – Ashley Stahl

Intro

I am so excited to have my pal, best-selling author and speaking expert, Ashley Stahl back on the show to talk all things public speaking!

Whether you want to give keynote speeches, give a presentation at work, or pitch a crucial project, Ashley’s tips will help you shine. We talked about the aspects of viral speeches, from the title to the opening and structure, as well as stage presence and the power of pausing.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:2:30 Ashley’s U-turn from counter-terrorism to public speaking11:50 Important things to consider when you’re trying to write a viral speech17:30 The two types of effective openers21:20 How to own the room – Learning stage presence17:30 Stage presence and the real task of performance33:00 How public speaking can lead to self-inquiryConnect with Ashley Stahl

Ashley Stahl started her career in counterterrorism at the Pentagon in DC and has since become a career expert, author, podcaster, and speaker. She is the author of the international best-selling book YOU Turn and a top 100 TEDx speaker. She has been featured in Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, Time Magazine, The Steve Harvey Show and so many more. Many believe you need to pitch and wait at the mercy of finally getting a shot at national TV shows, or being accepted into Forbes columns, entrepreneur magazines and more. Personal branding can be a hamster wheel but Ashley has found a way to make it a launch pad to 10X any career. She has found a SUPER HIGHWAY to launching your personal brand to vitality through TEDx. She has coached and booked 100+ entrepreneurs to create and book their own TEDx talks in order to skyrocket their personal brands.

Website: https://wisewhisperagency.com

(Make sure to mention this interview to get $1,000 off within 90 days of the show airing! Expires Dec. 19, 2024.)

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

5 Traits of High-Functioning Codependency (Is This You?)

Does it feel like if you don’t fix problems or move things forward, no one will?

Do you feel overly responsible, like everything will fall apart if you don’t do all the things?

Do you just find yourself saying, “It’s just faster/easier/more efficient if I do it myself”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I am talking about the five traits of high-functioning codependency (HFC), the cycle of codependency I often see my clients go through, and how to shift from over-doing and over-giving into more balance and less exhaustion.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Trait #1: You’re Overly Invested In Others, To Your Detriment

The defining trait of high-functioning codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, circumstances, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being.

I often get pushback when I talk about this: Well, I’m just a nice person. I’m loving. I’m kind. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing.

But if you compulsively jump into action for others, auto-fix, auto-advice give, or auto-accommodate, you’re not just being nice. You’re being an HFC.

Being nice has to be a conscious choice.

HFCs make it all look easy, while inside, they’re often exhausted, resentful, or burnt out.

No one knows they’re suffering because they’re excellent at saying, “I’m good. I got it. Don’t worry about me!”

HFCs consistently present a polished everything is fine, nothing to see here vibe.

And while they care a lot about others, they don’t love it if others are worried about them because they don’t want to feel like a burden.

Does this sound like you?

Trait #2: You Might Be a Hyper-Helper or Unhealthy Helper

Being a hyper-helper looks like taking on other people’s problems like they’re your own, or feeling like whatever is happening to your people is also happening to you.

Think about it: if your best friend called you in a crisis, how quickly would their crisis become yours?

I’m not talking about how quickly you become concerned or offer to help.

I’m talking about how quickly it literally feels like their problem is now yours to fix and like it’s happening to you.

You can tell the difference by the urgency you feel. If it’s all hands on deck, forget whatever I was doing a moment ago, my sole focus is this now, you’re being an HFC.

The difference is reacting (unconsciously) rather than responding (consciously).

Unhealthy helping looks more like doing things for others they can and should do themselves.

Are you encouraging your teenager, partner, colleague, friend, or family member to depend on you? Or are you fostering dependency or interdependency?

For example, are you paying your adult child’s rent because their finances are a mess and you don’t want them to get evicted?

When you get involved in another grown adult’s life like this, you’ve crossed over onto their side of the street because it’s not yours to manage. Yes, even if they’re your kid. (More on that here.)

This leads me to the third trait…

Trait #3: You Have Disordered Boundaries

Disordered boundaries as an HFC can mean being outwardly focused on others.

In my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, I share a story about a high-functioning client who was a partner at a law firm working 60 hours a week (minimum), chair of the PTA, organizer of amazing girlfriend getaways, and overly involved in the life of the family nanny.

She didn’t realize how much bandwidth she was bleeding by doing for everyone else until one day, in a dramatic turn of events, her body told her.

After a deposition went long and her assistant called out sick, she arrived home only for her nanny to share the news that her boyfriend cheated (again) and her father was ill.

In the middle of suggesting solutions to her babysitter’s problem, my client suddenly couldn’t breathe.

She went to the ER because she was sure she was dying.

After an EKG came back normal, a doctor asked her if she had ever had a panic attack before.

Immediately offended, she replied, “No way it was a panic attack. It felt like an elephant was crushing my chest.”

There was nothing wrong with her heart, but there was something wrong with the amount she was doing, giving, and feeling. It was all too much.

Even though she couldn’t see it, her body told a different story. 

This offered us an opportunity to explore the concept of high-functioning codependency.

Like many of my clients, she resisted it at first. “I’m not dependent on anyone and I’m not involved with an alcoholic.” (This is a common misconception about codependency; enabling an addict is not the only form it takes.)

After I explained these traits to her, she saw herself in them, and our work began.

For her, disordered boundaries looked like doing things other people were capable of doing for themselves. In all her tasking and doing for others, she was the boundary trampler, which is painful and difficult to admit when you’re a big-hearted HFC.

Trait #4: You Minimize, Ignore, or Deny Problems

HFCs often ignore, minimize, or deny problems to avoid conflict, especially when it involves them personally.

They might make excuses for other people’s crappy behavior or say, “I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing!”.

As a result, HFCs usually seek to fix problems quickly.

For example, let’s say your partner is running late for work, can’t get the car started, and they’re panicking about what to do.

You suggest taking an Uber to work so they can take the other vehicle. You’ve immediately fixed the problem (while wondering why they couldn’t think of a solution themselves).

The problem with doing too much for too many for too long is eventually, we feel angry, bitter, and taken advantage of.

Again, there’s a compulsiveness to this behavior, which is why I don’t talk about “curing” high-functioning codependency.

Instead, I talk about helping you get into recovery from these ingrained and habituated behaviors because we can change our behaviors.

Rather than making excuses for others and minimizing out of fear, we have to get honest about how we feel and turn our focus inward.

You’ll find more tips on how to do this inside the guide, which you can download here.

Trait #5: You Self-Sacrifice + Self-Abandon

Since HFCs are highly capable, they don’t feel like they need a lot, which makes it easy for them to worry about making sure everyone else has what they need.

But self-sacrifice and self-abandonment lead to resentment and burnout. Or, as I like to say, it’s a one-way ticket to Bitterland.

There are no other stops because endlessly not resting or considering your needs and desires is unsustainable.

The Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency

What happens when we insist on self-abandoning and self-sacrificing?

The HFC cycle I’ve observed in many of my clients goes like this: we give waaayyy too many f**ks for people’s feelings, situations, and circumstances, and then suddenly smash into a wall and burn out. Afterward, we have no more f**ks to give. (I haven’t found a better way to describe this but I have seen it over and over.)

Often, but not always, hitting the wall coincides with perimenopause and menopause because our bandwidth is already strained from navigating all those changes.

At its core, codependency is an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes. I find that most people want to recover from HFC because the existential loneliness that comes from being in this position of control is painful, exhausting, and unsustainable.

How to Shift Into Recovery From High-Functioning Codependency

Recovering from high-functioning codependency looks like moving from doing too much for others to taking care of ourselves and prioritizing what we need, want, and desire.

It’s important because no one else can do it for us.

This looks like doing what is right for us, which requires us to know our preferences and how we feel about things. We often don’t because we’re too busy worrying about what other people feel to tune into our own feelings.

If you’re anything like my clients, you may worry about how others feel because you’re trying to keep the peace.

But we can’t go through life avoiding conflict.

Conflict isn’t my favorite thing, either, but if your highest value is avoiding conflict, you will not have the life you want. It just doesn’t work.

Healthy relationships involve showing up and not over-promising, not doing more than your share, following through, and keeping your word. Not just to others, but to yourself.

If you say you’re not working on the weekends, don’t. If you say you’re taking a day off, take it. If you say you’ll start meditating, even if it’s just for two minutes in the morning for yourself, prioritize it.

A big part of Too Much talks about self-consideration because self-love and self-care get confusing. Self-consideration is what you need to shift some of these HFC behaviors.

Again, I have tips on how to do this in the guide, and if you haven’t pre-ordered Too Much yet, please do. We have so many festivities going on with the book launch including events in NYC and a virtual celebration for all! My Epic Relationships Summit is happening between October 8-10! I can’t wait for it all, and if you can make it to one of my events, I’d love to see you and squish you in person.

In the meantime, I hope this episode added value to your life. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or Instagram (@terricole). Do any of these traits resonate with you? Which ones? How could you lighten your load and prioritize yourself?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

646 5 Traits of High-Functioning Codependency (Is This You?)



Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“Instead of making excuses for others, we have to get honest about how we feel and stop minimizing our problems.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Does it feel like if you don’t fix problems or move things forward, no one will?

Do you feel overly responsible, like everything will fall apart if you don’t do all the things?

Do you just find yourself saying, “It’s just faster/easier/more efficient if I do it myself”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I am talking about the five traits of high-functioning codependency (HFC), the cycle of codependency I often see my clients go through, and how to shift from over-doing and over-giving into more balance and less exhaustion.

Highlights:3:30 Being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, and circumstances of other people5:40 Unhealthy helping and taking on other people’s problems8:45 You are focused on others rather than asserting your own boundaries12:30 You ignore, minimize, or deny problems, especially your own problems14:40 Self-sacrificing and self-abandoningLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up for my upcoming summit on real love here: terricole.com/summit

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?