Answering Your Qs About Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency

Do you believe that setting boundaries means being confrontational?

Do you wish you knew how to cut someone off nicely, especially if it involves a professional relationship?

Are you tired of confiding in others only for them to make your pain about them?

Or have you wondered if it’s ever okay to “jump in and fix things” for someone struggling?

These are just some questions I’m answering about boundaries and high-functioning codependency in this episode. Let’s dive in.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Question #1: How Can I Be Softer When Setting Boundaries?

“How can I be soft and feminine while holding boundaries with my loved ones? As a recovering people-pleaser who never knew how to set boundaries, it’s challenging. Additionally, I’m having trouble figuring out the balance between being soft but not getting manipulated, particularly by a narcissist.”

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, I wouldn’t necessarily worry about being soft.

Strength is what you’ll need to hold boundaries with a narcissist because they’re clever and manipulative.

I understand you’re a recovering people-pleaser and might be afraid to set boundaries, but I also hear a limiting belief in how you worded your question: do you feel like setting boundaries is about being mean or saying NO as loudly as possible?

I ask because many folks believe that setting boundaries is automatically bitchy, and it doesn’t have to be. We can set boundaries with love and kindness when appropriate. It’s all about your tone of voice and the language you use.

You can start a boundary conversation with something positive and true if it’s someone you don’t want to offend: “I love the time we spend together, and I’d like to make a simple request that you text me to see if it’s a good time before you stop by my house.”

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our relationships. When we don’t have boundaries, we often give corrupted data to others.

For example, saying “yes” when we want to say “no” robs people of the chance to know our true preferences.

A lack of boundaries also leads to resentment in us and our relationships.

It’s important to remember the discomfort we initially feel when learning to set boundaries is temporary. Discomfort persists when we avoid setting boundaries.

(If you want to go all-in on boundaries, check out my books: Boundary Boss and The Boundary Boss Workbook.)

Question #2: How Do I Deal With the Fallout of Bad Decisions Made By Others?

“When a partner or family member does something you know will create chaos, and you know you can do it better, how do you avoid jumping in to avoid the inevitable disruption to your life?”

You’re talking about a disruption to your life, but is it possible you’re unclear about what is on your side of the street and what is on the other person’s side of the street?

Everyone has the right to be sovereign, just as we do.

Yes, even if they’re doing something you disagree with. If they’re grown adults, it’s their right.

If it directly impacts us, we can voice our concerns or ask if they’d like help, but I wouldn’t jump in to fix it. Doing so robs people of the sovereignty they’re entitled to, even if you know you can do it better.

“It’s easier to do it myself because nobody will do it as well as I will” is the mantra of high-functioning codependents (HFCs), so I get it.

But this belief leads to unbalanced relationships where you over-function and over-give, and the other person under-functions as a result.

This dynamic also breeds resentment.

The person who feels controlled is resentful, and the person who feels like they have to do everything because no one else knows how feels resentful.

Instead of jumping in, have an open and honest conversation where you ask expansive questions to get an idea of where the other person is coming from and go from there.

Question #3: How to Differentiate Between Codependency and Just Being Nice?

“How do you differentiate between high-functioning codependency and just wanting to be nice and handle something for someone with a lot on their plate? ‘Letting people struggle and handle it themselves’ feels like I’m unsupportive and uncaring. It’s hard not to jump in and fix things since I am highly capable.” 

There are many options between “jumping in to fix things” and “letting them struggle.”

When you get into recovery from high-functioning codependency, you will learn you can still be the helpful, loving person you are without controlling the outcomes of others.

I suggest having a conversation: “How can I best support you right now? I have time on Wednesday. Would it be helpful if I did your food shopping?”

If they say, “No, I’m good, thanks,” respect their rejection of help. This is how we go from codependency to more interdependency, which leads to equitable, healthy relationships.

As HFCs, the mistake we often make is assuming we know what other people need and how they should live their lives.

But we don’t know better than they do.

While many HFCs are lovers and helpers, their desire to help is compulsive, which isn’t the same as ‘being nice.’ Being nice is a choice, compulsion is automatic.

This compulsion to help comes from the discomfort HFCs experience when others are in pain. Fixing problems as quickly as possible is their way of restoring peace (and controlling the situation).

It may not feel good to hear, but it’s true. The good news is that we can shift our behavior once we’re aware of it, and my upcoming book, Too Much, will help guide you through the process.

Question #4: When We Don’t Want People to Worry, Whose Side of the Street Are We On?

“When we keep things to ourselves because we don’t want people to worry, are we on their side of the street or ours?”

When you’re going through something difficult and could use other people’s support but don’t tell them because you don’t want them to worry, you rob them of their right to want to support you (if it’s a close relationship).

I saw this in myself with a recent cancer scare I had, where I waited a week for biopsy results after an abnormal mammogram. It was scary, and I confided in my husband, Vic, mother, sisters, and a few of my oldest pals.

Vic asked if I would tell our sons, and I said no.

My hesitancy to tell them and a few other close friends made me realize how deep my HFC tendencies run. It’s a daily practice to not actively be a high-functioning codependent.

I stand by my decision because I felt like I had the support I needed. I wouldn’t have felt better if my sons knew. Thankfully, the results were negative, and there was nothing to tell them.

We have to be discerning about who we’re protecting, too.

I don’t have a right to protect Vic from how I feel. Withholding info like an abnormal mammogram would have been me on his side of the street saying he couldn’t handle it. Not cool, and not healthy for my marriage.

Instead, I told him immediately, and he helped me carry the burden of my fear.

As HFCs, it’s important to figure out who can hold space for us during rough times so we can ask for and receive the support we need.

Question #5: What If Someone Makes Your Crisis About Them?

“When you share something vulnerable with someone, and they make it all about them, it causes more stress. My husband is navigating health challenges, and my mother-in-law’s inflammatory comments to my kids and husband feel inconsiderate, which makes me not want to tell her anything. What should I do?”

Your husband’s health challenges and your mother-in-law’s comments are between them.

You could have a conversation with her, especially since it involves your kids, but I would invite you to talk to your husband first and see how he feels about it. Is he bothered by her comments?

If so, you could say, “If you want to talk to your mother about this, can you please ask her not to say inflammatory things about your health in front of the children? It’s scaring them.”

Again, we need to be discerning about who we confide in. I don’t choose people who make my pain about them because they aren’t emotionally trustworthy and lack the capacity to see me as a separate human being.

It’s painful to be on the receiving end of someone who only sees what happens to you through the lens of how it impacts them.

Question #6: How Can We Cut People Off Nicely?

“Some older real estate clients like to talk my ear off. How can I build rapport with them while cutting them off nicely?”

I love to use non-threatening body language to support what we’re saying in situations like this.

Hold up one finger (not your whole hand, as that can seem aggressive), and say something like, “Can you hold up one second? I just wanted to say…” and then bring it back to the topic at hand. “Excuse me, I just wanted to bring this back to the listing price to get your input.”

We can also soften it with an apology. “Oh, I’m sorry, I need to stop you there because I’m running late and have another showing in 15 minutes!” Again, it comes back to your tone of voice- we can do this with a kind and upbeat vibe rather than being short.

Brand New: The Terri Cole All Access Membership

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A style. I love answering your questions!

This is why I’ve created a new membership where you can get your questions answered by me every single week on Zoom. You’ll even have the opportunity to be in the hot seat to receive coaching from me.

The membership also includes access to all of my signature courses, and we’ll have occasional workshops and guest speakers, too. Plus Team TC Coach Sarah is on hand to provide accountability calls for those going through courses.

Get all the details and sign up here. I’d love to see you inside!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.