Are You Hyper-Independent? Signs, Causes, and Real-Life Examples

How do you feel about asking others for help?

Are you good at it, or do you avoid it because you don’t want to ‘owe’ anybody anything?

Do you find it difficult to believe other people will show up for you the way you show up for them?

Or does being vulnerable scare you?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about hyper-independence: what it is, why it matters, what causes us to act this way, signs to help you identify whether this is you, and how to shift into healthy independence and interdependence. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Hyper-Independence?

Hyper-independence can sometimes be an extreme form of self-reliance that often creates unfulfilling relationships and leads to isolation. 

It can result in doing way too much for others without expecting reciprocity. 

Hyper-independence is sometimes considered a trauma response from not being able to trust people as a child. 

Revisiting your childhood, or “the scene of the crime,” as I like to say, is helpful because it’s where we first learn these behaviors. 

Let’s look at how the behavior of the adults in your life may have contributed to hyper-independence. 

What Causes Hyper-Independence?

Inconsistent parenting is one cause of hyper-independence. 

This is when parental figures cycle between being reliable and unreliable. Kids of inconsistent parents learn to do things themselves because they can’t count on their parents to follow through. 

Inconsistent parenting might involve addiction, illness (mental or physical), or abuse. All of these things can make the adults in your life untrustworthy. 

Childhood neglect can also create a sense of hyper-independence. If this was your experience, you may be overly driven to ensure you have everything you need in adulthood, almost to undo the past. But you do this without asking others for help. 

Hyper-independence can also come from being punished after asking for help in childhood or seeing hyper-independence modeled by your parental figures. 

One of the most common causes of hyper-independence that I see in my crew, especially among high-functioning codependents, is child parentification. 

There are two types: emotional and structural.

Emotional parentification includes a parent treating you as their confidant and telling you things inappropriate for your age (like financial or relationship issues). 

Structural parentification includes young children doing adult tasks, like making dinner for younger siblings. Not safe or healthy. 

At its core, parentification sets kids up to fail because they’re not wired to take care of adult tasks or comprehend adult challenges. Parentified children then grow up thinking they need to take care of everything and everyone else. 

Hyper-independence serves us well as kids, but when we carry these behaviors into adulthood, they become maladaptive. 

The Difference Between Healthy Independence + Hyper-Independence

You may be wondering, what’s the difference between healthy independence and hyper-independence?

Healthy independence sounds like, “I got this, but I will ask for help when I need it.”

Hyper-independence sounds like, “I got this, and I don’t feel comfortable asking for help. It’s easier for me to do it myself, and I get to avoid being a burden or being disappointed by someone.” 

It’s like we do things on our own to protect ourselves from the painful experiences we may have had in childhood. Unfortunately, it’s an illusion, as people have the power to hurt us in other ways.

Download the guide here for tips on how to shift into healthy independence.

Signs You Might Be Hyper-Independent

Let’s review the characteristics of hyper-independence. Are any of these behaviors familiar to you?

Over-achievingOver-committingRefusing to ask for helpPutting up walls in relationships (avoiding vulnerability)Lack of trust in othersStressed or burnt outDislike neediness/don’t want to appear ‘weak’Pushing people away (avoidant)Saying, “I got it, I’m good!” Feeling like you’re better off alone because it guarantees you won’t get hurt

When you’re hyper-independent, being vulnerable is scary.

When I met my husband, Vic, I remember talking to my therapist about how being vulnerable with him was terrifying.

I told her, “I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to give him even more power to annihilate me.”

“Wow, that’s telling. Why do you think he would annihilate you?” she replied.

I didn’t think I could take it if Vic turned out to be someone other than who I thought he was. This fear of vulnerability came from the child within me and truly felt like life or death.

(The inner child fear feels more intense than an adult fear because everything feels like a five-alarm fire when we’re a child since we’re not in a position of empowerment.)

Eventually, I overcame my fears, but it took a while for me to realize Vic wasn’t going anywhere, nor was he holding anything over my head, and he was efficient and effective. 

He loved me and wanted to be part of my solution, whatever the problem. It remains the same today. 

But in the first year of our relationship, a little part of me waited for the other shoe to drop.

Vic was widowed, divorced, and had three acting-out teenage sons. It’s not like I walked into Pleasantville. But he and the boys were and are perfect for me, and eventually, I realized I could trust Vic. I didn’t have to do it all myself. 

I learned this the hard way, though. 

When I took Vic to meet my sister and her husband for the first time, I twisted my ankle so badly that I had to keep it elevated. I couldn’t control anything. I couldn’t pack up our things, and I couldn’t control their conversations. I was a basket case. 

What did I end up learning?

That Vic was highly capable.

He had been raising three sons alone for 12 years before I came along- he could pack a suitcase just fine (and take care of me, too!).

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks and made me feel like I could exhale for the first time in my life. 

The quality of my life improved so much when I moved from hyper-independence to healthy independence and, ultimately, to interdependence.

The Connection to High-Functioning Codependency

There’s a lot of crossover between hyper-independence and high-functioning codependency. 

The mantras of high-functioning codependents (HFCs) are: “I got it, I’m good” and, “It has to be me.” It’s feeling like if it’s going to get done and get done right, it has to be me.

When you’re highly capable, as HFCs are, you do ‘got it.’ But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Or that you should do it alone. 

HFCs are quick to learn about and listen to others, but they’re not great at revealing things about themselves because, again, they don’t want to be vulnerable. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence 

“I got it” behavior comes at a real cost. 

As my mother Janny Cole would say, offers to help dry up when we never receive them. 

This leads to resentment and burnout because the amount we’re doing is unsustainable. 

When you’re hyper-independent, you may feel unseen. The existential loneliness that comes from not being seen or heard is real. 

I’ve seen this in myself. It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but despite being a recovering HFC, I can still sometimes feel the martyred part of me say, “Nobody knows how much work I do. Nobody understands what it’s like to be me.”

When I start thinking this way, I know it’s time to check in: why aren’t you reaching out for support or asking for what you need? Why aren’t you telling the truth about how you feel?

This daily check-in is necessary when you’re in recovery from HFC. It is a continuous practice of choosing healthier behaviors. The more you check in, the more your muscle develops.

When you’re hyper-independent and an HFC, you’re likely overtly or covertly attempting to control aspects of your relationships, which creates interpersonal strife. 

The reason this matters is because I want you to have relationships that feel great. I want you to be seen and known. You – the authentic you – is worth knowing. 

How to Move Into Healthier Ways of Relating

I understand the pain and fear of being vulnerable. You can do this one step at a time. 

Inside the guide, you’ll find tips on how to shift into healthier ways of relating. 

To name a few, it helps to: 

Slowly figure out who we can ask for help and how to askBe discerning with who we trustCreate healthy boundaries for ourselves and our relationshipsSay “yes” when people offer to helpPractice self-consideration and self-compassionBe flexible enough to be in relationships with mutuality where we don’t have to control everything or do it all ourselves

If you identify as being hyper-independent, I hope this gives you hope that you can change and learn new ways of relating. 

Make sure you pre-order my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, because I cover this topic more in-depth there. 

And if you want even more ideas for cultivating healthy relationships, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It’s happening October 8-10 and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights. 

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.