Terri Cole's Blog, page 18

654 The Key to Growth + Recovery For High-Functioning Codependents

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“If we’re going to change ingrained, habituated behaviors, we cannot do it at 100 miles per hour. There’s just no way.” – Terri Cole

Intro

How do you react to seeing a friend, sibling, or partner having a rough time?

Not how do you respond, but how do you react?

Do you immediately jump to share ideas or thoughts to try to fix their problem?

Or do you inadvertently invalidate their feelings by saying, “Hey, it’s not so bad. It’ll be better tomorrow”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking about the transformative power of learning to sit with emotional discomfort, why you may feel compelled to avoid it by taking action, and what you can do instead.

Highlights:5:30 The connection between high-functioning codependence and fear of emotional discomfort6:55 The habits of of high-functioning codependents9:00 The costs of high-functioning codependency for ourselves and others15:50 The steps to mindfulness around high-functioning codependency19:35 You can’t rush important change.22:00 Being present for people you love without trying to change themLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

653 Perimenopause Primer with Emily Sadri

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“There are receptors for estrogen in every cell in the body. And so when that goes away, it’s like a full system breakdown. And that’s why the symptoms of menopause and perimenopause are so vast.” – Emily Sadri

Intro

I am so excited to welcome Emily Sadri to the show to talk all things perimenopause! She’s a Board Certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, Certified Nurse Midwife, and hormone expert who’s helped thousands of women through this journey.

Emily is amazing at breaking down complex topics and making them accessible, and we got into the weeds on weight loss, insomnia, and how and why the loss of estrogen affects us so deeply.

If you want more info, join the summit for free! I’ll be speaking there: https://perimenopauserevolution.com/?...

Highlights:03:00 Emily’s origin story as an expert in women’s health who prioritizes optimal physiology09:40 How sexism leads to a lack of emphasis on women’s health13:55 Defining perimenopause19:15 How perimenopause can prevent weight loss21:15 Why you might need more light and more rest after menopause27:00 Finding health care providers who prioritize your health and experience42:35 All about Emily’s perimenopause revolution summitConnect with Emily Sadri

Emily Sadri is a Board Certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, Certified Nurse Midwife, and hormone expert who has helped thousands of women understand the complex transition through perimenopause, and regain their sanity, clarity, and zest for life.

Emily has a gift for making complex hormonal topics accessible and actionable, and she believes that great health starts with happy hormones and a balanced stress response.

Emily is the founder of a boutique hormone and functional medicine Telehealth practice, Aurelia Women’s Health, whose mission is to help women repair their hormones and lose weight with confidence and ease (and without dieting).

Website: https://www.emilysadri.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

10 Signs You’re Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?

Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself?

Do you look outside yourself for validation? If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment: what it is, why we do it, the signs, and how you can move into self-consideration instead.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandoning is considering others’ preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers above your own. You might think, I’ll take one for the team or I’ll do it because I love you. 

People-pleasing is part of it, but self-abandonment goes deeper in how it impacts us internally. We’re so dialed into how others feel we get overpowered by what other people want and either numb our needs or stuff them down.

Of course, in healthy relationships, we compromise. But when we don’t know our wants or needs, we can self-abandon without realizing it, which isn’t the same as compromise.

What you want, think, and feel is worth knowing and prioritizing, and only you can do this for yourself.

A Personal Example of Self-Abandonment

When I was younger, all I wanted in my relationships was for the other person to be happy because I didn’t want them to leave me.

I was self-abandoning in service of not being abandoned. (ironic and true!)

But self-sacrificing doesn’t save relationships, nor is it healthy. Eventually, I became resentful and felt like my boyfriends took advantage of me.

In my teens and 20s, I didn’t know myself well enough to understand my 50% of the dance we were doing. I thought it was entirely on them.

Why Do We Self-Abandon?

Many of us come by self-abandonment honestly and naturally in childhood.

If you were in a chaotic family situation where abuse, addiction, or illness was present, you likely realized it was in your best interest to focus on others.

You learned not to rock the boat, make demands, or consider your needs because focusing on the abusive or unwell parent was the key to survival.

Feeling unworthy can lead to self-abandonment, too. This feeling may stem from childhood, comparing ourselves to others (especially on social media), or feeling like we are falling short of societal or cultural expectations.

Additionally, you may have learned to self-abandon if the adults in your life modeled this behavior when you were growing up.

I certainly did. When my parents were married (they divorced when I was 13), my father often came home from work late, after we were done eating. He’d ask my mother to make him dinner, and she did- she actually brought it to him.

I learned to self-abandon in relationships after years of witnessing her sublimate her needs and desires to my father’s. I looked up to my mother (I still do) and learned what it meant to be a good woman from her behavior.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a few questions to excavate what you may have learned about self-abandonment in your family of origin.

10 Signs of Self-Abandonment

You might be wondering what self-abandonment looks like in practice, so let’s review some common signs:

#1: Disordered boundaries. Can people talk you into doing things you don’t want to do? Do you say yes when you want to say no? These are examples of self-abandoning behaviors when your boundaries are too loose.

Constantly denying yourself the chance to do fun things may indicate rigid boundaries. You can read more about boundary styles here.

#2: Second guessing. When you need to make a decision, can you trust your gut, or do you listen to what someone else says you should do? Letting others decide for you has an element of self-abandonment because if it doesn’t turn out how you want, you’re the only person on the hook for it.

#3: Disease to please. When you’re a people pleaser, you don’t speak up out of fear of confrontation. Beyond prioritizing other people’s wants and needs above your own, you apologize even when you’re not sorry or when you’re mad. Apologizing becomes a way of getting through life because it smooths things over. For many women, saying I’m sorry is a way to prevent trouble.

#4: Perfectionism. Many people think perfectionism means wanting your work to be exactly right, but it’s also about being devoted to a perfect outcome and not caring what it takes to reach it. If you re-do a project five times and stay up until 4 AM to finish it because it’s not “good enough,” you’re self-abandoning because you need sleep. Perfectionistic tendencies often come at the expense of our well-being.

#5: Inner mean committee. Having a caustic inner voice, calling yourself an idiot, or talking harshly to yourself all the time scratches away at your self-worth. You wouldn’t use this language or tone with a child you loved, right? Treat and talk to yourself as if you are a child you love.

#6: Lack of self-care and self-consideration. Self-consideration looks like asking yourself whether you have the bandwidth to do something before agreeing to it. It also looks like asking, “Do I want to?” If we’re self-abandoning, “I don’t want to” doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. But it is, and inside the guide, you’ll find gentle ways to say no while staying true to yourself. Having healthy relationships means considering, prioritizing, and asserting your preferences!

#7: Being a chameleon. When I was younger, I was such a chameleon in relationships because I wanted my boyfriends to love me and perceive me in a particular way. For example, whatever music my boyfriend liked, I’d get into it, too. Shapeshifting takes a lot of bandwidth, though.

#8: Self-numbing. Self-abandoning can look like self-numbing with drugs, alcohol, Netflix binges, or hours of reality television.

#9: Self-betrayal. Our job is to do what serves our highest and best good. When we do things we know are wrong to please others and gain approval, we betray ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t compromise; self-betrayal is more about going against your ethics, values, or self-interest.

#10: Codependency. Codependent behavior involves doing more than your share, over-functioning to the point where other people in your life under-function, and feeling overly responsible for the feeling states, outcomes, experiences, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace. It’s an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes, and it is exhausting. There is so much self-abandonment in codependent behaviors.

From Self-Abandonment to Self-Consideration

I’ve heard many of you say it’s too late to change your self-abandoning behaviors, and I want to assure you it’s never too late to change what isn’t working for you.

Discovering how much you may have been self-abandoning can bring up feelings of anger or resentment, but have compassion for yourself. We all have good reasons for being the way we are, and you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now, you can begin taking steps toward self-consideration.

The first step is simply raising your awareness of where you self-abandon. For the next 24-48 hours, notice where you feel resentful and where you feel the urge to please others at the expense of yourself.

Record what you notice and see if there are any patterns. These behaviors often happen in specific relationships, and it’s valuable to identify them so you have the awareness to make changes.

Another important aspect of getting into recovery from self-abandonment is learning to pause. Take your time in getting back to people. Stop auto-yessing. You have the right to want to think about something before agreeing to it.

If you’re struggling with self-worth, I want you to know you are inherently worthy. When you look at a child you love, you’re clear that they are inherently worthy, right? The same is true for you.

If you’re a high-functioning codependent, it may be difficult to believe this because you may feel like you’re only as worthy as the last thing you did, but you are worthy simply by virtue of being alive.

For more tips on how to move from self-abandonment into self-consideration, download the guide here.

I also have more self-consideration practices in my upcoming book, Too Much, because they’re integral to breaking the cycle of codependent behaviors. If self-abandonment resonates with you, I think you’ll love it!

And if you are always looking for ways to uplevel your relationship game, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It starts TODAY and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

652 10 Signs You’re Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“We all have really good reasons for being the way that we are. You might feel a lot of anger when you discover how self-abandoning you have been in your life, but that’s okay. Show yourself compassion and let yourself have those feelings.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?

Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself?

Do you look outside yourself for validation?

If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment: what it is, why we do it, the signs, and how you can move into self-consideration instead.

Highlights:3:20 Understanding self-abandonment6:30 How self-abandonment starts in childhood10:00 The signs and symptoms of self-abandonment15:30 Self-abandonment can cause shapeshifting and loss of identity in relationships18:00 Steps for course-correcting away from self-abandonmentLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up for my summit on real love— It starts today! terricole.com/summit

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

651 Weaving The Wild and The Sacred Into Your Life with Elizabeth DiAlto

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Embodiment work helps you to literally move through things and process things without having to talk about it. We love therapy, but sometimes, we can only talk about things so much.” – Elizabeth DiAlto

Intro

I am so thrilled to have my pal, embodiment expert and author Elizabeth DiAlto, back on the show!

We talked about Elizabeth’s new fiction book, Dark Healing, and why she wrote it, as well as the differences between being triggered and activated, how embodiment can help us get out of our minds and into our body, the spiritual aspect of embodiment, and so much more.

I hope you enjoy this girlfriend jam as much as I did!

Highlights:03:00 Elizabeth’s origin story in spirituality and how she went from writing self-help to writing fiction11:05 How Elizabeth entered the world of embodiment work16:30 Being sensitive to your triggers instead of seeking to destroy them25:00 The way embodiment work helps you move through things in a different way than talking about them31:40 Elizabeth’s biggest boundary struggleConnect with Elizabeth DiAlto

Known for her nuanced, inclusive, and humor-infused approach to spirituality and the healing arts, Elizabeth DiAlto is an Embodiment Specialist and a Spiritual Futurist.

In 2013 she founded the School of Sacred Embodiment, where she’s developed a range of healing and liberatory frameworks and modalities that blend together movement, energy work, and mystical wisdom. Her specialty is helping people live through what she calls the highest part of all of us – our Wild Soul.

A native New Yorker with Boricua and mixed-European roots, Elizabeth now calls Miami home, is an avid salsa dancer, and has a laugh that has been described as “a sound bath of sunshine and joy.”

Website: https://untameyourself.com/links
Instagram: https://instagram.com/elizabethdialto
Membership: https://untameyourself.com/reweave/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Are You Hyper-Independent? Signs, Causes, and Real-Life Examples

How do you feel about asking others for help?

Are you good at it, or do you avoid it because you don’t want to ‘owe’ anybody anything?

Do you find it difficult to believe other people will show up for you the way you show up for them?

Or does being vulnerable scare you?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about hyper-independence: what it is, why it matters, what causes us to act this way, signs to help you identify whether this is you, and how to shift into healthy independence and interdependence. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Hyper-Independence?

Hyper-independence can sometimes be an extreme form of self-reliance that often creates unfulfilling relationships and leads to isolation. 

It can result in doing way too much for others without expecting reciprocity. 

Hyper-independence is sometimes considered a trauma response from not being able to trust people as a child. 

Revisiting your childhood, or “the scene of the crime,” as I like to say, is helpful because it’s where we first learn these behaviors. 

Let’s look at how the behavior of the adults in your life may have contributed to hyper-independence. 

What Causes Hyper-Independence?

Inconsistent parenting is one cause of hyper-independence. 

This is when parental figures cycle between being reliable and unreliable. Kids of inconsistent parents learn to do things themselves because they can’t count on their parents to follow through. 

Inconsistent parenting might involve addiction, illness (mental or physical), or abuse. All of these things can make the adults in your life untrustworthy. 

Childhood neglect can also create a sense of hyper-independence. If this was your experience, you may be overly driven to ensure you have everything you need in adulthood, almost to undo the past. But you do this without asking others for help. 

Hyper-independence can also come from being punished after asking for help in childhood or seeing hyper-independence modeled by your parental figures. 

One of the most common causes of hyper-independence that I see in my crew, especially among high-functioning codependents, is child parentification. 

There are two types: emotional and structural.

Emotional parentification includes a parent treating you as their confidant and telling you things inappropriate for your age (like financial or relationship issues). 

Structural parentification includes young children doing adult tasks, like making dinner for younger siblings. Not safe or healthy. 

At its core, parentification sets kids up to fail because they’re not wired to take care of adult tasks or comprehend adult challenges. Parentified children then grow up thinking they need to take care of everything and everyone else. 

Hyper-independence serves us well as kids, but when we carry these behaviors into adulthood, they become maladaptive. 

The Difference Between Healthy Independence + Hyper-Independence

You may be wondering, what’s the difference between healthy independence and hyper-independence?

Healthy independence sounds like, “I got this, but I will ask for help when I need it.”

Hyper-independence sounds like, “I got this, and I don’t feel comfortable asking for help. It’s easier for me to do it myself, and I get to avoid being a burden or being disappointed by someone.” 

It’s like we do things on our own to protect ourselves from the painful experiences we may have had in childhood. Unfortunately, it’s an illusion, as people have the power to hurt us in other ways.

Download the guide here for tips on how to shift into healthy independence.

Signs You Might Be Hyper-Independent

Let’s review the characteristics of hyper-independence. Are any of these behaviors familiar to you?

Over-achievingOver-committingRefusing to ask for helpPutting up walls in relationships (avoiding vulnerability)Lack of trust in othersStressed or burnt outDislike neediness/don’t want to appear ‘weak’Pushing people away (avoidant)Saying, “I got it, I’m good!” Feeling like you’re better off alone because it guarantees you won’t get hurt

When you’re hyper-independent, being vulnerable is scary.

When I met my husband, Vic, I remember talking to my therapist about how being vulnerable with him was terrifying.

I told her, “I’m in love with him, and I don’t want to give him even more power to annihilate me.”

“Wow, that’s telling. Why do you think he would annihilate you?” she replied.

I didn’t think I could take it if Vic turned out to be someone other than who I thought he was. This fear of vulnerability came from the child within me and truly felt like life or death.

(The inner child fear feels more intense than an adult fear because everything feels like a five-alarm fire when we’re a child since we’re not in a position of empowerment.)

Eventually, I overcame my fears, but it took a while for me to realize Vic wasn’t going anywhere, nor was he holding anything over my head, and he was efficient and effective. 

He loved me and wanted to be part of my solution, whatever the problem. It remains the same today. 

But in the first year of our relationship, a little part of me waited for the other shoe to drop.

Vic was widowed, divorced, and had three acting-out teenage sons. It’s not like I walked into Pleasantville. But he and the boys were and are perfect for me, and eventually, I realized I could trust Vic. I didn’t have to do it all myself. 

I learned this the hard way, though. 

When I took Vic to meet my sister and her husband for the first time, I twisted my ankle so badly that I had to keep it elevated. I couldn’t control anything. I couldn’t pack up our things, and I couldn’t control their conversations. I was a basket case. 

What did I end up learning?

That Vic was highly capable.

He had been raising three sons alone for 12 years before I came along- he could pack a suitcase just fine (and take care of me, too!).

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks and made me feel like I could exhale for the first time in my life. 

The quality of my life improved so much when I moved from hyper-independence to healthy independence and, ultimately, to interdependence.

The Connection to High-Functioning Codependency

There’s a lot of crossover between hyper-independence and high-functioning codependency. 

The mantras of high-functioning codependents (HFCs) are: “I got it, I’m good” and, “It has to be me.” It’s feeling like if it’s going to get done and get done right, it has to be me.

When you’re highly capable, as HFCs are, you do ‘got it.’ But just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Or that you should do it alone. 

HFCs are quick to learn about and listen to others, but they’re not great at revealing things about themselves because, again, they don’t want to be vulnerable. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence 

“I got it” behavior comes at a real cost. 

As my mother Janny Cole would say, offers to help dry up when we never receive them. 

This leads to resentment and burnout because the amount we’re doing is unsustainable. 

When you’re hyper-independent, you may feel unseen. The existential loneliness that comes from not being seen or heard is real. 

I’ve seen this in myself. It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but despite being a recovering HFC, I can still sometimes feel the martyred part of me say, “Nobody knows how much work I do. Nobody understands what it’s like to be me.”

When I start thinking this way, I know it’s time to check in: why aren’t you reaching out for support or asking for what you need? Why aren’t you telling the truth about how you feel?

This daily check-in is necessary when you’re in recovery from HFC. It is a continuous practice of choosing healthier behaviors. The more you check in, the more your muscle develops.

When you’re hyper-independent and an HFC, you’re likely overtly or covertly attempting to control aspects of your relationships, which creates interpersonal strife. 

The reason this matters is because I want you to have relationships that feel great. I want you to be seen and known. You – the authentic you – is worth knowing. 

How to Move Into Healthier Ways of Relating

I understand the pain and fear of being vulnerable. You can do this one step at a time. 

Inside the guide, you’ll find tips on how to shift into healthier ways of relating. 

To name a few, it helps to: 

Slowly figure out who we can ask for help and how to askBe discerning with who we trustCreate healthy boundaries for ourselves and our relationshipsSay “yes” when people offer to helpPractice self-consideration and self-compassionBe flexible enough to be in relationships with mutuality where we don’t have to control everything or do it all ourselves

If you identify as being hyper-independent, I hope this gives you hope that you can change and learn new ways of relating. 

Make sure you pre-order my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, because I cover this topic more in-depth there. 

And if you want even more ideas for cultivating healthy relationships, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It’s happening October 8-10 and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights. 

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

650 Are You Hyper-Independent? Signs, Causes, and Real-Life Examples

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“There is a huge cost to being hyper-independent in our relationships. It’s not free. If you always say, ‘I got it,’ when people offer help, sooner or later the offers start drying up.” – Terri Cole

Intro

How do you feel about asking others for help?

Are you good at it, or do you avoid it because you don’t want to ‘owe’ anybody anything?

Do you find it difficult to believe other people will show up for you the way you show up for them?

Or does being vulnerable scare you?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking all about hyper-independence: what it is, why it matters, what causes us to act this way, signs to help you identify whether this is you, and how to shift into healthy independence and interdependence.

Highlights:2:45 Defining hyper-independence3:15 How hyper-independence originates in childhood8:40 The signs of hyper-independence13:40 The cost of hyper-independence and the solutionLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up at terricole.com/yes for my brand-new all-access membership!

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

649 There Are No Stupid Questions in Science with Leah Elson

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“People want so desperately to trust science, but scientists aren’t approachable or relatable. To be a proficient scientist, you have to be able to communicate effectively.” – Leah Elson

Intro

I am so excited to welcome my science girl crush, Leah Elson, to the show to talk about a variety of things: her book, There Are No Stupid Questions in Science, why she’s so passionate about being a public science communicator, her pivot from sportscasting into this field, and how she is working to give herself more grace and place less pressure on herself.

If you’re a fellow high-functioning codependent, I really think this is one you’ll relate to!

Highlights:2:25 Leah’s origin story in science3:50 Leah’s dual career as a clinical development scientist and science communicator6:50 The inspiration behind There Are No Stupid Questions in Science13:00 Aging with curiosity15:50 The logic behind the wide-ranging topics Leah includes in her communication19:30 Leah’s science communication heroes21:20 How Leah balances her cerebral jobs with physical activity24:00 Finding your self-worth in the being, not in the doing28:00 Leah’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Leah Elson

Leah Elson is an academically published clinical development scientist, public science communicator, and non-fiction author. Her research career in human medicine has included the fields of orthopedics, oncology, and neuroscience.

Website: https://www.leahelson.com
IG: https://www.instagram.com/gnarlybygnature

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Answering Your Qs About Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency

Do you believe that setting boundaries means being confrontational?

Do you wish you knew how to cut someone off nicely, especially if it involves a professional relationship?

Are you tired of confiding in others only for them to make your pain about them?

Or have you wondered if it’s ever okay to “jump in and fix things” for someone struggling?

These are just some questions I’m answering about boundaries and high-functioning codependency in this episode. Let’s dive in.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Question #1: How Can I Be Softer When Setting Boundaries?

“How can I be soft and feminine while holding boundaries with my loved ones? As a recovering people-pleaser who never knew how to set boundaries, it’s challenging. Additionally, I’m having trouble figuring out the balance between being soft but not getting manipulated, particularly by a narcissist.”

If you’re dealing with a narcissist, I wouldn’t necessarily worry about being soft.

Strength is what you’ll need to hold boundaries with a narcissist because they’re clever and manipulative.

I understand you’re a recovering people-pleaser and might be afraid to set boundaries, but I also hear a limiting belief in how you worded your question: do you feel like setting boundaries is about being mean or saying NO as loudly as possible?

I ask because many folks believe that setting boundaries is automatically bitchy, and it doesn’t have to be. We can set boundaries with love and kindness when appropriate. It’s all about your tone of voice and the language you use.

You can start a boundary conversation with something positive and true if it’s someone you don’t want to offend: “I love the time we spend together, and I’d like to make a simple request that you text me to see if it’s a good time before you stop by my house.”

Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves and our relationships. When we don’t have boundaries, we often give corrupted data to others.

For example, saying “yes” when we want to say “no” robs people of the chance to know our true preferences.

A lack of boundaries also leads to resentment in us and our relationships.

It’s important to remember the discomfort we initially feel when learning to set boundaries is temporary. Discomfort persists when we avoid setting boundaries.

(If you want to go all-in on boundaries, check out my books: Boundary Boss and The Boundary Boss Workbook.)

Question #2: How Do I Deal With the Fallout of Bad Decisions Made By Others?

“When a partner or family member does something you know will create chaos, and you know you can do it better, how do you avoid jumping in to avoid the inevitable disruption to your life?”

You’re talking about a disruption to your life, but is it possible you’re unclear about what is on your side of the street and what is on the other person’s side of the street?

Everyone has the right to be sovereign, just as we do.

Yes, even if they’re doing something you disagree with. If they’re grown adults, it’s their right.

If it directly impacts us, we can voice our concerns or ask if they’d like help, but I wouldn’t jump in to fix it. Doing so robs people of the sovereignty they’re entitled to, even if you know you can do it better.

“It’s easier to do it myself because nobody will do it as well as I will” is the mantra of high-functioning codependents (HFCs), so I get it.

But this belief leads to unbalanced relationships where you over-function and over-give, and the other person under-functions as a result.

This dynamic also breeds resentment.

The person who feels controlled is resentful, and the person who feels like they have to do everything because no one else knows how feels resentful.

Instead of jumping in, have an open and honest conversation where you ask expansive questions to get an idea of where the other person is coming from and go from there.

Question #3: How to Differentiate Between Codependency and Just Being Nice?

“How do you differentiate between high-functioning codependency and just wanting to be nice and handle something for someone with a lot on their plate? ‘Letting people struggle and handle it themselves’ feels like I’m unsupportive and uncaring. It’s hard not to jump in and fix things since I am highly capable.” 

There are many options between “jumping in to fix things” and “letting them struggle.”

When you get into recovery from high-functioning codependency, you will learn you can still be the helpful, loving person you are without controlling the outcomes of others.

I suggest having a conversation: “How can I best support you right now? I have time on Wednesday. Would it be helpful if I did your food shopping?”

If they say, “No, I’m good, thanks,” respect their rejection of help. This is how we go from codependency to more interdependency, which leads to equitable, healthy relationships.

As HFCs, the mistake we often make is assuming we know what other people need and how they should live their lives.

But we don’t know better than they do.

While many HFCs are lovers and helpers, their desire to help is compulsive, which isn’t the same as ‘being nice.’ Being nice is a choice, compulsion is automatic.

This compulsion to help comes from the discomfort HFCs experience when others are in pain. Fixing problems as quickly as possible is their way of restoring peace (and controlling the situation).

It may not feel good to hear, but it’s true. The good news is that we can shift our behavior once we’re aware of it, and my upcoming book, Too Much, will help guide you through the process.

Question #4: When We Don’t Want People to Worry, Whose Side of the Street Are We On?

“When we keep things to ourselves because we don’t want people to worry, are we on their side of the street or ours?”

When you’re going through something difficult and could use other people’s support but don’t tell them because you don’t want them to worry, you rob them of their right to want to support you (if it’s a close relationship).

I saw this in myself with a recent cancer scare I had, where I waited a week for biopsy results after an abnormal mammogram. It was scary, and I confided in my husband, Vic, mother, sisters, and a few of my oldest pals.

Vic asked if I would tell our sons, and I said no.

My hesitancy to tell them and a few other close friends made me realize how deep my HFC tendencies run. It’s a daily practice to not actively be a high-functioning codependent.

I stand by my decision because I felt like I had the support I needed. I wouldn’t have felt better if my sons knew. Thankfully, the results were negative, and there was nothing to tell them.

We have to be discerning about who we’re protecting, too.

I don’t have a right to protect Vic from how I feel. Withholding info like an abnormal mammogram would have been me on his side of the street saying he couldn’t handle it. Not cool, and not healthy for my marriage.

Instead, I told him immediately, and he helped me carry the burden of my fear.

As HFCs, it’s important to figure out who can hold space for us during rough times so we can ask for and receive the support we need.

Question #5: What If Someone Makes Your Crisis About Them?

“When you share something vulnerable with someone, and they make it all about them, it causes more stress. My husband is navigating health challenges, and my mother-in-law’s inflammatory comments to my kids and husband feel inconsiderate, which makes me not want to tell her anything. What should I do?”

Your husband’s health challenges and your mother-in-law’s comments are between them.

You could have a conversation with her, especially since it involves your kids, but I would invite you to talk to your husband first and see how he feels about it. Is he bothered by her comments?

If so, you could say, “If you want to talk to your mother about this, can you please ask her not to say inflammatory things about your health in front of the children? It’s scaring them.”

Again, we need to be discerning about who we confide in. I don’t choose people who make my pain about them because they aren’t emotionally trustworthy and lack the capacity to see me as a separate human being.

It’s painful to be on the receiving end of someone who only sees what happens to you through the lens of how it impacts them.

Question #6: How Can We Cut People Off Nicely?

“Some older real estate clients like to talk my ear off. How can I build rapport with them while cutting them off nicely?”

I love to use non-threatening body language to support what we’re saying in situations like this.

Hold up one finger (not your whole hand, as that can seem aggressive), and say something like, “Can you hold up one second? I just wanted to say…” and then bring it back to the topic at hand. “Excuse me, I just wanted to bring this back to the listing price to get your input.”

We can also soften it with an apology. “Oh, I’m sorry, I need to stop you there because I’m running late and have another showing in 15 minutes!” Again, it comes back to your tone of voice- we can do this with a kind and upbeat vibe rather than being short.

Brand New: The Terri Cole All Access Membership

I hope you enjoyed this Q&A style. I love answering your questions!

This is why I’ve created a new membership where you can get your questions answered by me every single week on Zoom. You’ll even have the opportunity to be in the hot seat to receive coaching from me.

The membership also includes access to all of my signature courses, and we’ll have occasional workshops and guest speakers, too. Plus Team TC Coach Sarah is on hand to provide accountability calls for those going through courses.

Get all the details and sign up here. I’d love to see you inside!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

648 Answering Your Qs About Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency

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“I don’t choose people who make my pain about them. Those are not the people I’m confiding in, because they’re not emotionally trustworthy and they don’t have the capacity to see you as a separate human being.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you believe that setting boundaries means being confrontational?

Do you wish you knew how to cut someone off nicely, especially if it involves a professional relationship?

Are you tired of confiding in others only for them to make your own pain into something about them?

Or have you wondered if it’s ever okay to “jump in and fix things” for someone who is struggling?

These are just some questions I’m answering about boundaries and high-functioning codependency in this episode. Let’s dive in.

Highlights:4:00 How can I stay soft and feminine and set boundaries? (Addressing limiting beliefs around boundary-setting)8:10 How can I avoid jumping in when it’s not my side of the street as a high functioning codependent?15:00 Am I on my side of the street if I keep things to myself so that others don’t worry?18:00 How do I handle it when I tell people things and they make it about themselves?21:50 An exciting announcement!Links Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Sign up at terricole.com/yes for my brand-new all-access membership!

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?