Terri Cole's Blog, page 18

665 How to Beat Toxic Productivity with Israa Nasir

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“Toxic productivity is when our relationship to our productivity habits becomes very harmful to us. Instead of becoming more efficient, in the long term we end up getting burnt out, disillusioned or disconnected.” – Israa Nasir

Intro

I am so excited to welcome psychotherapist and author Israa Nasir to the show to talk about her new book, Toxic Productivity: Reclaim Your Time and Emotional Energy in a World That Always Demands More. If you’re a high-functioning codependent, tune in, because I think we tend to struggle with this! 

Israa shares practical strategies we can use to stop feeling like we need to do it all. We also touch on what healthy productivity looks like, signs you might be falling into toxic productivity, the dangers of running on autopilot, and feeling like you have to prove yourself.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:3:20 Israa’s origin story: from conservation science to therapy6:05 How Israa’s identity as a Pakistani Canadian influenced her career7:40 Defining and discussing toxic productivity15:30 What healthy productivity can look like22:10 Myths that perpetuate toxic productivity24:20 Why multitasking isn’t actually efficient26:30 What autopilot feels like and what it does to you29:00 Challenging toxic productivity32:35 Israa’s boundary struggle with her mother as a childfree by choice womanConnect with Israa Nasir

Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, is a New York City-based psychotherapist, writer, and the founder of WellGuide—a digital community for mental health awareness. A Pakistani-Canadian child of immigrants, she has a specific focus on mental health, identity formation and healing for the AAPI first-and second-generation immigrant community. Israa has been featured in NBC, Vox, Huffpost, Teen Vogue and other major publications and has been invited to speak at corporations such as Google, Meta, and Yale University. Israa sits on the Mental Health Advisory Board for both PopSugar (Vox Media) and the menstrual health product and advocacy brand, August.

Website: https://israanasir.com

IG: https://instagram.com/well.guide

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change

Do your friendships feel unbalanced?

Are certain friendships draining?

Do your friends disrespect or trample on your boundaries?

Or do your friends bring you down rather than lift you up?

If the answer is yes, this episode is for you because it’s all about assessing friendships: why we stay in unhealthy dynamics, what unhealthy friendships look like, and how to figure out what you want from friendships and what you can change.

https://youtu.be/gsj09e_p5fw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why We Stay In Unhealthy Friendships

We stay in unhealthy friendships for a variety of reasons.

One is historical handcuffs. We may feel like we have too much history with someone to let the friendship fade and stay out of obligation, similar to how some people feel about certain family members.

Sometimes, we simply don’t want to be alone. We’re afraid of not having people to spend time with, even if we feel worse afterward.

Other times, we may be too loyal. In my younger life, I prided myself on my loyalty, to the extent that I was equally loyal to everybody (which didn’t make sense!).

Our home training and what we learn about boundaries and connectedness impact our friendships, too.

When I was a people-pleaser in my teens and 20s, if someone wanted to be friends with me, I felt obligated to be friends with them. I didn’t realize I had a choice.

Have you ever felt this way?

What Unhealthy Friendships Look Like

There are many different types of unhealthy friendships.

Frenemies are passive-aggressive and often treat the friendship like a competition.

These are people you hesitate to share good news with because you know they’re only so capable of being happy for you. They may get jealous or make your good news about them and their lack of whatever you have.

Doomsday friends are great and supportive when your life is in the shitter and you’re in pain, but they often mysteriously disappear when things are going well or readily rain on your parade.

Unhealthy friends can also be controlling or bullying; they might feel like friendship is ownership, and it is not.

Elements of control contributed to multiple friendship breakups in my 20s. One ‘friend’ was so possessive and jealous, that she got mad when I didn’t tell her I had plans to hang out with my childhood friends. I didn’t owe her an explanation!

The Impact of Unresolved Childhood Injuries on Friendships

Another reason we may stay in unhealthy friendships is because it’s familiar to us. 

Unresolved childhood injuries can compel us to repeat unsatisfying relationships in adulthood.

For example, let’s say you had a judgmental mother. You may find yourself attracting female friends who are also very critical or judgmental of you.

Asking yourself the 3 Qs for clarity can reveal these dynamics (and they’ll be in the guide):

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt like this before?How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me?

If you had a punitive mother, you might realize, “Oh, this friend reminds me of my mean mother. That’s why I’m staying in this friendship! I’m afraid and seeking her approval like I did with my mother.”

Once we establish this connection, it becomes easier to say, “Betty is not mom, and I do not have to be friends with anyone who treats me this way.”

I’ve seen many therapy clients experience repeating relationship realities within friendships. One client had a female archenemy whom she hated at every job she held. She thought it was normal (it’s not).

After asking the 3 Qs, my client realized these archenemies were actually about her older sister who bullied her as a child. She had continued to play out this scenario in her adult work life.

Do you have any friendships where you might be playing out unresolved childhood wounds?

Adult Relationships Are Voluntary

If any of this resonates with you, know this: all of our adult relationships are voluntary.

Yes, even with family.

Nobody is owed you.

(This only applies to adult relationships- not to minor kids.)

Knowing that all of your adult relationships are voluntary can be incredibly empowering.

If someone is controlling, demanding, or entitled, and you’re breaking your back to sacrifice for the relationship, something likely needs to change.

It’s possible you’ve outgrown a longstanding friendship or a group of pals. Not only is this okay, it’s normal.

Give yourself permission to change who has access to you, especially in your VIP section, because not everyone in your life deserves to know your most tender heart.

Signs a Friendship Is Past Its Expiration Date

Now that you’re familiar with what unhealthy friendships look like let’s review some signs and symptoms of an expiring friendship:

Upon seeing their name pop up on your phone, you automatically say ugh or feel a sense of dreadYou feel drained as hell after spending time with themYou spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about how they’ll feel if you tell them somethingYou walk on eggshells around themYou’re codependent with themYou don’t feel seen, heard, or understood by themThey tell you what to do without trying to understand you (or they lack the capacity to understand)

If you’re experiencing some of these things in a friendship, there’s a good chance something needs to change (more on that later).

Friendship Assessment: Questions to Ask

The 20-question friendship assessment in the guide will help you dig deeper, but here are a few questions to begin assessing your friendships.

Note: this is not about blaming or making anyone wrong. It’s about getting real with yourself about how you are in these relationships. Think of it as collecting data.

Is the friendship unbalanced? Do you feel like you give and the other person takes?Are they critical of you and your choices? Do they use humor, or do they put you down passive-aggressively? Are they judgmental rather than supportive of you?

I ended a few friendships in my 20s because I felt judged and controlled. These ‘friends’ always had suggestions for how I could do things ‘better.’

Back then, I put people on a pedestal and thought everyone else knew more than I did. I came from this “one down” position. Through lots of therapy and some growing up, I realized that wasn’t true- I had a lot to offer!

Are you always rescuing them ? Maybe it’s a friend who consistently calls you late at night (despite knowing you get up early) to vent about the same thing for the thousandth time. You know they have zero intention of changing, and they hang up feeling lighter while you feel like you got dumped on.Are they moody? Are they super high energy or down and depressed? If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, this may exhaust you because people’s moods can have an enormous impact on you and how you feel.Are they angry or volatile? Maybe they explode over small things or don’t tell you how they feel until they erupt.

The full 20-question friendship inventory is inside the guide. Download it here and really think about what you’re tolerating in these relationships and what you wish was different.

What To Do After the Assessment

You might be wondering, should I cut all contact with someone immediately if I answer “yes” to these questions?

Not necessarily.

If the friendship isn’t abusive and it’s important to you, a conversation and a boundary might be more helpful than you think.

Be honest: how often or how much are you telling the truth about what you have an issue with in problematic friendships?

We have to look at and take responsibility for our 50% because every relationship is half us and half the other person. Our half is what’s in our control.

If someone is doing something you don’t like and you don’t speak up, you are setting the relationship up to fail.

If talking true is difficult for you, my first book, Boundary Boss, will help you assert yourself. If you’re a people-pleaser, rescuer, or over-function, check out my latest book, Too Much. It includes boundary-setting tips in the context of high-functioning codependency.

It’s common for a lack of boundaries to lead to resentment, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We just have to speak up and tell people what we need or can’t deal with.

After you complete the assessment, you’ll probably have three options:

Set a boundaryHave a clarifying conversationLet go of the friendship

But there’s a fourth option.

Sometimes, we need something other than friendship. Sometimes, we need a community of like-hearted, like-minded people to support us on our growth journey because our friends can’t meet us where we are.

That’s why I created The Terri Cole Membership. Inside, I host weekly Q&A calls with women learning to assert themselves, be their authentic selves, and have more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re seeking connection and a real sense of community, the membership might be for you. It’s $59/month or $590/year (two months free) and you get access to all my signature courses, too. (Boundary Boss Bootcamp, Real Love Revolution, Understand & Transform Your Mother Wound, and Understand & Transform Your Father Wound.)

I also have my 9-month mastermind, Flourish, coming up. We begin February 1, 2025. It’s for ambitious entrepreneurial women. In my experience, ambition can threaten the people in our lives, making it hard to get the support we need.

If you’re looking for support with your business and your emotions, and you want to be held in a sacred, intimate container with a small, select group of other women who will cheer you on, Flourish might be for you.

I just had a heartwarming call from four women who were in the 2023 cohort of Flourish. They called me from a trip to say, “You made this happen. We’re in Paris together because of you.” It’s amazing what can happen when you ask for what you need. They still meet weekly, too.

Healthy, robust friendships where you can be authentic are incredibly valuable. My female friendships are just as important to me as my marriage. I’ve had the same friends since Nixon was in office and they add so much to the quality of my life. I want the same for you.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Are female friendships difficult for you? Where have you found friends? Could you be telling the truth more often in your friendships? What did you discover from completing the friendship assessment?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

664 Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“I was indiscriminately loyal in my young life. I prided myself on being the same loyal person to everybody, even though that doesn’t make sense.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do your friendships feel unbalanced? 

Are certain friendships draining?

Do your friends disrespect or trample on your boundaries?

Or do your friends bring you down rather than lift you up?

If the answer is yes, this episode is for you because it’s all about assessing friendships: why we stay in unhealthy dynamics, what unhealthy friendships look like, and how to figure out what you want from friendships and what you can change.

Highlights:2:50 We always have the choice to make or break friendships5:00 Why we feel obligated to keep friendships going, even when they no longer serve us8:30 Types of friendships you might want to reconsider10:30 Signs that your friendship might be past its expiration date12:35 Some friendship inventory questions to help you take stock of the relationships in your lifeLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

663 Buy What You Want Without Going Broke with Jill Sirianni

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“All aspects of our personhood impact the others. We don’t just have finances out here lingering in the atmosphere, they’re a part of our being, alongside physical, spiritual, relational, and emotional wellbeing.” – Jill Sirianni

Intro

Have financial boundaries been hard for you?

Do you tend to spend more than you make?

Does “budgeting” sound unappealing?

Then you’re in the right place, because I am talking with Jill Sirianni, co-author of Buy What You Love Without Going Broke: Transform Your Spending and Get More of What Money Can’t Buy and co-host of the @FrugalFriends podcast. 

The book is all about connecting with your values and ensuring your financial life aligns with them. Jill is also a licensed clinical social worker and speaks to how finances affect ALL areas of our life.

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.

Highlights:3:15 The origin of Counsel Culture, a show sharing an honest, non-toxic male point of view5:30 How young men have responded to the show8:40 The path Dr. Ish took to psychiatry and then to television21:10 Dr. Ish’s experience working in television32:00 The three key factors that make a relationship epic28:00 How women’s relationship concerns have changed in the last ten years29:50 Dr. Ish’s experience with codependency35:10 Identifying which problems aren’t yours to fixConnect with Jill Sirianni

Jill Sirianni is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), co-host of the Frugal Friends podcast and co-author of Buy What You Love Without Going Broke (releasing Jan. ’25). She’s experienced in doing a lot with a little — from starting small businesses to full-time RVing — all of it was leveraged to pay off $60,000 of debt and cash flow her masters degree. Helping others is her highest value and integrating her mental health perspective with personal finance is how she supports others to identify, and live out of, what they value most.

Book: https://buywhatyoulovebook.com 

Podcast: https://www.frugalfriendspodcast.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These Confidence-Boosting Strategies

When something good happens to you, do you ever think, “Maybe they made a mistake”?

Do you start doubting yourself or your worthiness?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I’m talking about imposter syndrome, how to navigate it, and how to boost your confidence.

Imposter syndrome is fresh in my mind as I ran into it writing my newest book, Too Much: A Guide to High-Functioning Codependency. I hope hearing about my experience can normalize it for you and give you some ideas on how to deal with it.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

The American Psychological Association refers to imposter syndrome as the imposter phenomenon, defining it as “the situation in which highly accomplished, successful individuals paradoxically believe they are frauds who ultimately will fail and be unmasked as incompetent.”¹

Here’s a hypothetical situation to illustrate it:

Let’s say you get a promotion or get invited into a coveted group, something you’ve really wanted, and your excitement immediately gives way to fearful thoughts.

Maybe there was a mistake, you think. They probably confused me with someone else who’s much more qualified. 

As time goes on, you might think, It’s only a matter of time before I’m found out! 

This is imposter syndrome in action.

These fears and doubts often lead to feelings of anxiety and depression because they scratch away at our professional confidence. It can even lead to career burnout.

If you’ve had these types of thoughts, you’re not alone.

With my therapy clients, I’ve noticed it usually appears when something good happens and they’re too afraid to believe it. While it shows up most often in our professional lives, it can also occur in relationships and dating, too.

It’s important to note that imposter syndrome happens in moments of elevation and expansion.

If you constantly struggle with being “found out,” please consider seeking help, as this shouldn’t be a state you’re in all the time. If it is, something else might be going on. I have a list of free mental health resources you can check out here and a guide on how to find the right therapist for you here.

My Experiences With Imposter Syndrome

As I was writing Too Much, I had an intense imposter syndrome experience.

The book is about high-functioning codependency, a term I coined when I found that my therapy clients didn’t see themselves in the typical definition of codependency: enabling an alcoholic, being weak, and depending on others.

Their behavior was codependent, but not in this context, so I expanded on the definition of codependency.

I saw high-functioning codependency as being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

This definition resonated with my clients. Seeing themselves in it paved the way for them to do the necessary work to get into recovery from high-functioning codependency.

Even though this concept had greatly helped my clients, and I knew it could help others, fear still crept in.

Who was I to expand on a well-established psychological definition? (Even though codependency isn’t in the DSM-5, it’s a well-known term.) What would my peers think?

Beyond that, writing a book is HARD. It’s like trying to chisel an enormous block of stone into something beautiful that also makes sense.

Yes, I had written Boundary Boss and The Boundary Boss Workbook, but this felt different and more threatening.

I had a similar experience with imposter syndrome in 2011 when my pal Kris Carr and I were selected to be part of an Italian ELLE campaign. They wanted to photograph women changing the face of healing.

I remember walking down to the photo shoot and thinking my inclusion was a mistake. I knew my work was great, but I had just begun my public career.

Before going on set, I went into a cafe and did two things: I made a list of all my accomplishments and did breathing exercises for five minutes.

The list was evidence of my strength- the hard things I had done that I was proud of. Reviewing it helped me realize being included in this photo shoot wasn’t an accident. I went into it feeling grateful for the opportunity and had a great time.

If you want help creating a “brag” list for yourself, download the guide.

Imposter Syndrome is Common

Sometimes, knowing we’re not alone in feeling like an imposter can help.

Whenever I’m experiencing anything, I like to look up stories of other people, celebrities, or even well-known therapists to see if they’ve gone through something similar.

The answer is usually yes.

In the case of imposter syndrome, we’re in amazing company:

Mike Meyers has said, “I still believe that at any time, the no-talent police will come and arrest me.”

Pulitzer-prize-winning nominee Maya Angelou and actresses Tina Fey and friggin’ Meryl Streep have also identified with feeling this way.

Over the last 27 years of being a therapist, I’ve also seen countless clients struggle with this.

My husband, a well-respected and successful artist, navigates imposter syndrome, too. There are moments when he struggles and moments when he’s happy with his work.

When he’s struggling, I watch him and think, how many lifetime achievement awards or magazine covers do you need to feel worthy? His talent and accomplishments are so glaringly obvious to me, but not to him when he is feeling that way. 

Strategies to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

If some of the most talented people feel like frauds, it seems like imposter syndrome is just part of the human condition. But instead of giving in to it, we can prepare ourselves for when it hits.

As I mentioned, I love the idea of creating a “brag list” and naming accomplishments you’re proud of. You can review this list when imposter syndrome strikes to feel confident, capable, and resilient.

If you’re a perfectionist or hypercritical of yourself, a brag list can also shift your focus from the 2% that went wrong to what went right. What we put our attention on grows.

You might be thinking, bragging about myself feels wrong!

I get it. If you were raised to have massive amounts of humility or were shamed for feeling good about your accomplishments, it may feel self-indulgent to brag about yourself.

While some humility is good, we also have to know our strengths. We can be proud of the good work we do in the world and be humble.

The second strategy I recommend is searching the internet for something like “celebrities experiencing imposter syndrome.” Again, knowing that you’re not alone can normalize this experience.

It blew me away to see Meryl Streep quoted as saying, “You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’” I think she’s one of the most phenomenal actresses of any generation, but even she’s not immune to this.

My third suggestion is to learn to accept compliments. When you do, you can feel legitimately masterful at what you’re doing.

When you reject compliments, you minimize your work and reinforce feeling like an imposter.

Instead of brushing someone off when they say, “That was amazing, I loved it!,” practice saying, “Thank you, I worked hard on it. It makes me feel good to hear you say that.”

For more tips on creating a list of accomplishments and how to navigate feeling like an imposter, download the guide.

Let me know in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole): have you felt like an imposter before? How have you navigated this? Which tip will you try? Do you have a hard time accepting compliments? I’d love to hear from you.

Have an amazing week, boosting your self-confidence, and as always, take care of you.

¹https://dictionary.apa.org/impostor-phenomenon

662 Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These Confidence-Boosting Strategies

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“A brag list serves as evidence. Evidence of our strength– Data that tells you, ‘Hey. You’ve been through some stuff and you’ve done stuff.’” – Terri Cole

Intro

When something good happens for you, do you ever think, “Wow, I hope I don’t get found out!” or, “I don’t deserve this”?

Do you start doubting yourself? Do you think it must have been a mistake?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I’m talking about imposter syndrome, how to navigate it, and how to boost your confidence.

Imposter syndrome is fresh in my mind as I ran into it writing my newest book, Too Much: A Guide to High-Functioning Codependency. I hope hearing about my experience can normalize it for you and give you some ideas on how to deal with it.

Highlights:3:50 Recognizing the imposter syndrome experience6:00 My own experience with imposter syndrome writing my book about high functioning codependency, Too Much11:00 The strategies I used to make it through my imposter syndrome16:00 Imposter syndrome is part of the human condition, but if you feel this all the time, consider deeper causes17:45 The skill of accepting complimentsLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

661 Get Out of Your Own Way with Dr. Sophie Mort

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Often, the patterns that have people stuck come from a good place, started for good reasons, and are part of their soul trying to make things better for them– It just doesn’t work for them anymore.” – Dr. Sophie Mort

Intro

Do you ever get so close to achieving a goal, and then something stops you from achieving it?

Do you find yourself getting in your own way and self-sabotaging?

Then you’ll want to tune in because I have Dr. Sophie Mort on the show talking about her newest book, (Un)Stuck: Five Steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way, which I think we could all use!

We talk about all the ways you can get unstuck and shift from feeling disempowered to empowered, the reasons why changing habits is hard, the compulsion to repeat our past, and the drama triangle (which can explain a lot about the ways we relate to others).

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Highlights:3:15 The origin of Counsel Culture, a show sharing an honest, non-toxic male point of view5:30 How young men have responded to the show8:40 The path Dr. Ish took to psychiatry and then to television21:10 Dr. Ish’s experience working in television32:00 The three key factors that make a relationship epic28:00 How women’s relationship concerns have changed in the last ten years29:50 Dr. Ish’s experience with codependency35:10 Identifying which problems aren’t yours to fixConnect with Dr. Sophie Mort

Clinical Psychologist Dr Sophie Mort, aka Dr Soph has a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a masters in neuroscience and a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is one of the few clinical psychologists in the world right now taking psychology out of the therapy room. After seeing the staggering decline of the nation’s mental health, she left behind her traditional role as a clinical psychologist in the NHS in order to provide more people with the access they need to have good mental health. Since 2018, she has helped thousands manage their emotional wellbeing by sharing her psychological knowledge on Instagram, on her blog and through her online private practice. Dr Soph is an expert for the mindfulness app Happy Not Perfect and has been featured in global outlets including Vice Magazine, Girlboss, Psych Central and Teen Vogue. A Manual for Being Human is her first book.

Website: https://drsoph.com
IG: https://instagram.com/_drsoph

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Effective Communication 101: Tips, Scripts and What To Avoid

Do you feel heard in your relationships with your spouse, kids, colleagues, friends, and family?

Do you find you get the results you’re seeking when talking to people?

Do you feel understood?

If the answer is no or sometimes, this episode is for you. I’m covering what effective communication is, what it looks like, how to get better at it, and giving you scripts to use to be more accurately understood.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Effective Communication Is A Skill You Can Learn

Communication is one of the most important aspects of relationships, and you’re not alone if you haven’t learned how to communicate effectively. Most of us are playing catch-up now because as kids, we didn’t see effective communication modeled by the adults in our lives.

We all have downloaded blueprints around communication– what we learned about how to communicate from our family of origin, what’s okay and not okay to talk about, silent agreements, forbidden topics, etc.

The good news is that communication is a skill you can learn at any age.

I didn’t learn how to communicate effectively until my 20s and 30s, and I had to learn from being in therapy.

While my family was close, we only talked about happy things, so I didn’t have the language or skills to talk about difficult things. But talking about difficult things is necessary for healthy relationships!

If you told my 22-year-old self I’d eventually have hard conversations regularly, she wouldn’t have believed it.

I say this to offer you hope because no matter where you’re starting from, it’s possible to learn and improve if you’re committed to it.

Effective vs. Ineffective Communication (What Each Looks Like)

“Communication” is a big topic, so let’s break it down. There are only two kinds of communication: effective and ineffective.

Effective communication is direct and to the point. It’s assertive but not aggressive. It looks like stating your thoughts, desires, and questions clearly.

Ineffective communication is indirect and can be passive-aggressive. It looks like communicating so inaccessibly, that the other person can’t receive your message.

Ineffective communication typically leaves people feeling misunderstood, mystified, and miffed. It’s frustrating to be on either end of it.

But once you figure out how you’re communicating (which you will if you keep reading!), you can figure out how to improve.

Here are a few key differences between effective and ineffective communication:

Effective communication is:

Friendly and affableClear and articulateOpenVerbal + body languageTwo-wayResponsiveAccurateHonest

Ineffective communication is:

Angry, aggressive, or hostileCryptic (underlying message is obscured)Closed offNonverbalOne-wayUnresponsiveOff-base and intentionally misunderstoodDishonest

You’ll find this chart inside the guide along with checkmarks next to each bullet so you can see where you land.

The other day, I witnessed an example of ineffective communication between two people I was with.

One person was waiting for a refund to pay the other person back. The person waiting to get paid back aggressively said, “Yeah, I figured you would make me wait for the money.”

The person waiting for the refund became defensive and said, “Well yeah, I don’t have the money to give to you.” Then the first person said, “It makes sense to do it that way.”

They got their “dig” in and then took it back. It was a way of saying, that’s not what I meant! Except… it was. Their aggressiveness was unnecessary if it “made sense.”

Beyond being ineffective, in certain situations, this can also be abusive.

Another example of ineffective communication is being intentionally off-base.

Have you ever run into people who are just seeking to misunderstand you? People who put words in your mouth or accuse you of saying something you didn’t so it fits their narrative?

I certainly have!

Part of why I’m so passionate about communication is because I’m passionate about being accurately and succinctly understood.

I don’t care much about people online misunderstanding me, but I can’t settle for being misunderstood by my VIPs. I need to be authentically known by them.

When we improve our communication skills, the benefits are twofold. We feel more seen and heard, and our ability to listen helps others feel the same way, which deepens the intimacy in our relationships.

By the way, our aim isn’t to be “perfect” communicators. Perfect doesn’t exist.

We’re aiming for good, better, and best, as my pal Kris Carr says.

If you find you have more ineffective ways of communicating when going through the chart in the guide, be gentle and offer yourself compassion.

I wasn’t the best communicator when I was younger. I would say things were fine when they weren’t because I didn’t have the language to have the conversation. But eventually, I learned, and you can, too.

Determine Your Communication Style: Questions to Ask

Beyond the chart outlined above, you can ask yourself the following questions to get a handle on whether you’re an effective or ineffective communicator:

Do you often feel frustrated when you’re talking with people?Do you regularly feel misunderstood?Do you communicate directly, or do you hint or imply?Do you get upset but stay quiet?Do you communicate with actions more than words, such as slamming doors or heavily sighing?Do you minimize your feelings by saying everything is okay when it’s not?

I can relate to the last point.

When I was younger, if someone said, “You seem upset. Are you?” I’d say, “No, I’m just tired.” But I was upset. I just didn’t feel like I had a right to be or it was too threatening to express it.

I learned you can either talk things out or act them out because when I denied or minimized how I actually felt, I often acted out my frustration or anger instead. (Saying, “I’m fine!” with lots of force or slamming a door. Anyone else?)

Depending on the culture and country we grew up in, many of us were also taught that being honest or direct is rude, and we need to unlearn this.

Regardless of your answers to the questions above, remember to have compassion for yourself.

Improving communication skills is like learning to dance the salsa or baking a triple-layer cake. You just have to want to learn, and you’re already taking the first steps by being here.

Sentence Starters and Scripts

One of the biggest things that can help you get on the right path with effective communication is having the language to use.

The guide contains a bunch of sentence starters and scripts to take your communication to the next level. Here are a few examples:

“I wanted to bring to your attention…”“I wanted you to be aware of how I felt about…”“I thought you should know…”“I wanted to put this on your radar…”

You might be thinking, who am I to assert myself like this?! So before you use these, ground yourself in the truth that how you think, what you feel, and what you want matters.

But the only way for others to know what you think, how you feel, and what you want is to communicate it to them clearly.

Remember, this is progress, not perfection. You got this, and I got you.

Want even more guidance on effective communication? I invite you to join me in my membership. Much of what I teach is centered around communication and it’s a topic I love talking about! The membership features weekly Q&A calls with moi, workshops, guest speakers, all my courses, and additional support calls with a coach on my team. Join and get all the details by clicking here. I’d love to have you!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

660 Effective Communication 101: Tips, Scripts and What To Avoid

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“There are really only two kinds of communication: Effective communication and ineffective communication. If you’re ineffective right now, you can learn to be more effective.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you feel heard in your relationships with your spouse, kids, colleagues, friends, and family?

Do you find you get the results you’re seeking when talking to people?

Do you feel understood?

If the answer is no or sometimes, this episode is for you. I’m covering what effective communication is, what it looks like, how to get better at it, and giving you scripts to use to be more accurately understood.

Highlights:3:50 How your family of origin shapes your communication habits6:00 Characteristics of effective and ineffective communication9:30 How ineffective communication can overlap with abuse10:20 How body language can be used for ineffective and effective communication12:00 Intentional misunderstandings13:30 Dishonesty and ineffective communication15:00 Questions to help you assess your communication19:20 The importance of effective communicationLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

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659 Build Epic Love with Dr. Ish Major

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“For a successful relationship, you’ve got to be proud of the person that your partner is, and you’ve got to be their biggest cheerleader.” – Dr. Ish Major

Intro

I am so excited to share this conversation about building epic love with my pal, psychiatrist and relationship expert Dr. Ish Major. 

We met at the Real Love Ready Relationship Summit in Vancouver only to realize we were both heading to LA after to the set of Nick Cannon’s Counsel Culture. 

We talk about how Dr. Ish’s interest in psychology came to be and how his childhood experiences impacted him, and then the conversation turns to codependency in relationships. 

Dr. ish says he was a “card carrying captain of team codependence” for the first 40 years of his life, which I think a lot of us can relate to! He shares the lessons he learned and he offers so much wisdom in really simple, accessible terms. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Highlights:3:15 The origin of Counsel Culture, a show sharing an honest, non-toxic male point of view5:30 How young men have responded to the show8:40 The path Dr. Ish took to psychiatry and then to television21:10 Dr. Ish’s experience working in television32:00 The three key factors that make a relationship epic28:00 How women’s relationship concerns have changed in the last ten years29:50 Dr. Ish’s experience with codependency35:10 Identifying which problems aren’t yours to fixConnect with Dr. Ish Major

Dr. Ish Major has spent the last 20 years demystifying the male psyche and helping men and women navigate their way through the relationship jungle. Educated at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine, Dr. Ish is a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in women, children, families, substance abuse and all things dating, mating and relating. Dr. Ish was named to the prestigious list of America’s Top Psychiatrists for the last 3 years and is recognized by the International Association of Healthcare Professionals as one of Leading Physicians of the World.

As an on-camera expert, Dr. Ish is the co-host of WeTV’s hit series Marriage & Family Boot Camp Reality Stars and the go-to Dr. of choice for Mama June and Honey Boo Boo. He is one of the resident “Councilmen” on Amazon Prime’s Counsel Culture presented by Nick Cannon and Amazon MGM Studios. He is a frequent guest host on The Doctors and regular guest on The Daily Blast Live, Fox Soul’s TEA G-I-F, Dr Phil’s The News on Merit Street, Access Hollywood Live, Steve, and The Today Show. 

As an off-camera psychiatrist, Dr. Ish has a robust private practice and owns and operates multiple Substance Use facilities across the southeast.

Check out Counsel Culture here! https://open.spotify.com/show/5tf2z1xeMWs6fY3CyW63dD

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?