Terri Cole's Blog, page 19

How to Identify + Deal With High Conflict Individuals

Are there people in your life who are conflict connoisseurs? People who really love stirring the pot, who are addicted to drama?

In response to you being upset, these types of people might rile you up or suggest you should be angrier rather than talking you off a ledge.

I know many of you are not into stirring the pot but find yourselves with high conflict lovers in your life, which can be stressful. That’s why I’m talking about high conflict versus healthy conflict, how to identify high-conflict people and protect yourself from them, and steps for more constructive ways to manage conflict.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The inspiration for this episode came from listening to an interview with journalist and author Amanda Ripley on the podcast, We Can Do Hard Things.

Amanda wrote a book called High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out, which covers why “good people lose their minds in soul-crushing conflicts with co-workers, neighbors, grown siblings, or even national politicians they’ve never met.”

This is poignant because we live in a very polarized world. Many of you regularly ask me for advice on dealing with high conflict individuals, so let’s dive in!

Difference Between High Conflict and Healthy Conflict

High conflict is when people become so righteous they dig their heels in, make negative assumptions about those who hold a different position, and believe they are the only authority on the subject.

In high conflict, no one attempts to understand the other perspective. The focus is solely on crushing the opponent.

Amanda says healthy conflict invites curiosity because it’s centered around trying to understand and solve something together.

But in high-conflict situations, there’s no incentive to understand the other side and no room for curiosity because you can’t be simultaneously outraged and curious.

With high conflict, you have heroes and villains, and you’re always the hero or on the hero’s side. In healthy conflict, you recognize things are nuanced rather than black and white.

How to Identify High-Conflict Individuals

First, it helps to know the ‘conflict entrepreneurs’ (as Amanda calls them) in your life.

During her interview on We Can Do Hard Things, Amanda used her former colleague at The New York Times as an example.

This person would come into her office to stir the pot: “I heard they killed the story you were working on. Do you think it’s because you’re a woman?”

This woman couldn’t help but stick the knife in and twist it. Amanda was bummed that her story was killed, but she wanted Amanda to be outraged. When she left, Amanda often wondered if she should be more angry.

I used to have a friend who would call me saying, “I just heard the most horrible story I have to tell you!”

My immediate thought: Uhhh, you really don’t have to tell me. I don’t need to know. I’ve lived fine up until now without knowing!

Some folks are drawn to dramatic stuff, and it’s often helpful and appropriate to distance yourself from them (if you can).

I invite you to become aware of people who find every twist and turn of a conflict delightful, especially those who seek to prolong it.

Gossiping about something terrible, especially in a conflict, is attention-seeking behavior. Notice who’s fueled by hostility, contempt, or disgust when you’re in a stalemate of conflict. These are your conflict entrepreneurs.

In her book, Amanda also mentions that humiliation is a trait high-conflict individuals constantly employ.

Publicly tearing someone down perpetuates cycles of high conflict because the person who feels humiliated often seeks revenge.

She quotes Nelson Mandela: “There’s nobody more dangerous than one who’s been humiliated, even when you humiliate him rightly.”

By the way, high conflict can occur anywhere, even on your social media feeds!

How to Navigate High Conflict Situations and Individuals

Now that you’ve identified the high-conflict individuals in your life, let’s talk about how to deal with them.

Again, if you can, create distance from people who blow things up, get off on conflict, or are addicted to drama.

If distance isn’t possible, try to seek commonality. For example, maybe you’re working toward the same goal but in different ways, or share the same values but with different opinions.

Ultimately, we want to look at situations with more nuance. Life doesn’t only consist of heroes and villains. “All right/all wrong” thinking isn’t productive.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a list of questions you can ask to clarify what does and doesn’t need to be said during conflict, and whether or not you need to say it.

Amanda’s Looping Technique + IMAGO Therapy

In her book, Amanda talks about a conversational technique she calls looping, which reminds me of IMAGO Therapy (the work of Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt).

Both revolve around paraphrasing what you think the other person said to ensure you understood them correctly.

When someone finishes talking, you say, “If I heard you right…” or, “What I hear you saying is…”

You want to show them you’re invested in understanding them.

Plus, when you’re in a high-conflict situation, feeling like the other person is at least trying to understand you often releases pressure, which is why these techniques can de-escalate conflict.

Looping and IMAGO both offer the chance for clarification, which lessens the chance of misunderstandings, too.

Engaging in these powerful practices can slow the conversation down enough to operate from a place where we’re not as activated and can get curious (keys for healthy conflict!).

Download the guide for a step-by-step process on looping and an IMAGO therapy script. No matter what situation you find yourself in, expressing yourself effectively is helpful.

Additionally, if you’re confused about something while in conflict, it’s okay to say, “Please tell me more about that. I think this is what you’re saying… but am I right?”

So often, we’re not even having the same fight because too much is happening. Getting clarification can help us stay on the same page.

To set yourself up for success, it also helps to know in advance what or who activates you. For example, if you need to attend a family gathering and a high-conflict individual will be there, you can plan for how to handle them.

Beyond the language you’re using, be aware of your body language. Don’t take an aggressive stance if you’re not trying to be aggressive. Keeping calm (to the best of your ability) and not raising your voice can go a long way toward de-escalating a situation.

Rules of Engagement

I don’t think we can be healthy and never have conflict. You can’t avoid it forever, even if you’re conflict-avoidant, because eventually, you’ll grow resentful.

As I like to say, we can either talk it out or act it out, and avoiding conflict often leads to acting it out.

I’ve talked before about establishing fair fighting rules, and having rules of engagement for high-conflict situations is similar.

It’s also okay to have conflict when we’re building community. If you’ve ever been in one of my communities, you know we have rules of engagement that everyone agrees to as part of joining to prevent people from trampling on others.

For example, one of the rules is no unsolicited advice or feedback on posts. I encourage members who post to state their boundaries upfront and say, “I’m sharing to be witnessed and supported.” I tell commenters if they have something to share, they should ask permission: “I have a thought I’d love to share. If you’re open to it, let me know!”

Again, it’s okay for people to have some degree of conflict, but it’s important to behave respectfully and allow others to make their own decisions.

Speaking of community, have you heard about my new membership? When you join, you get access to my signature courses, four Q&A calls with me, and bi-monthly calls with coach Sarah from Team TC. Click here for all the details and to sign up.

I’ve loved connecting with members more often, and if you enjoy my work and like my style, I think you’ll get a lot out of it. The membership is also a great place to connect with other like-hearted individuals all on a similar journey.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

658 How to Identify + Deal With High Conflict Individuals

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“In healthy conflict, there is curiosity. We’re trying to get somewhere, we’re trying to solve something, we’re trying to get through it together. In high conflict situations, there is no motivation to understand the other person’s point of view.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are there people in your life who are conflict connoisseurs? People who really love stirring the pot, who are addicted to drama?

In response to you being upset, these types of people might rile you up or suggest you should be angrier rather than talking you off a ledge.

I know many of you are not into stirring the pot but find yourselves with high conflict lovers in your life, which can be stressful. That’s why I’m talking about high conflict versus healthy conflict, how to identify high-conflict people and protect yourself from them, and steps for more constructive ways to manage conflict.

Highlights:4:20 What is high conflict?6:00 Looping to effectively communicate during high conflict conversations8:00 High conflict comes with heros and villains9:10 Handling high conflict individuals13:00 Distinguishing between high conflict and healthy conflictLinks Mentioned:

Find Amanda Ripley’s book about conflict (which I mentioned in today’s episode) here! amandaripley.com/high-conflict

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

657 “Eat Like a Girl” with Dr Mindy Pelz

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“First, we have to see that the environment in which we eat matters. Second, we have to ask ourselves, ‘am I eating to change my state?’’” – Dr. Mindy Pelz

Intro

I am thrilled to have Dr. Mindy Pelz back on the show in celebration of her new book, Eat Like A Girl: 100+ Delicious Recipes to Balance Hormones, Boost Energy, and Burn Fat. Who doesn’t want that?!

Dr. Mindy and I talk about everything from why we struggle to lose weight with age, our philosophies on aging, how to eat for the stage of life you’re in, and how to produce GLP-1 hormones naturally within your own body.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:2:30 Why so many women are struggling to lose weight9:25 The impact of Dr. Pelz’s two books12:10 The privilege inherent in being able to eat organic13:20 How food can act as a connector, for good and for bad17:20 On aging purposefully22:25 How to eat according to your life stage28:20 Harness your natural ability to make GLP-134:20 Dr. Pelz’s most challenging boundary struggleConnect with Dr. Mindy Pelz

Dr. Mindy Pelz is a world-renowned women’s health expert on a mission to empower women to Believe in their Bodies! Her high-profile clients include entertainer LeAnn Rimes, former race car driver Danica Patrick, and popular influencer Jesse Itzler. She is a bestselling author of Fast Like a Girl (top selling release of 2023 from Hay House Publishing) and The Menopause Reset. Her podcast, “The Resetter Podcast,” is ranked within Apple’s top 20 category of leading U.S. science podcasts, and routinely features top guests including LeAnn Rimes, Danica Patrick, Lisa Bilyeu, Miesha Tate, Cynthia Thurlow, Sheri Salata, Dr. Rangan Chatterjee, Max Lugavere, and many others. Her YouTube channel has garnered over 60 million lifetime views. She holds a BS degree from the University of Kansas and a Doctor of Chiropractic degree.

Website: https://drmindypelz.com
YouTube: @DrMindyPelz
Book: https://eatlikeagirl.com

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

11 Keys to Long-Lasting Love (25th Wedding Anniversary Edition!)

Are there couples who make you think, what do they know about love that I don’t? How do they do it?

Or do you see couples on TV and wonder, how can I get that kind of love? Where can I even find it?

If so, this episode is for you because I am sharing reflections from 25 years of marriage (I can’t believe it!) to my one and only, Vic, about how we’ve kept it good, and how to apply these lessons to your relationships.

https://youtu.be/TFLWNZgWoDE

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What I Grew Up Believing About Love

It amazes me that Vic and I have been together for 27 years because before I met him, my thought was, Forever with ONE person? Sounds terrible!

While I loved my previous boyfriends, thinking about staying with them for the rest of my life seemed waaay too long and uninteresting.

So, how did I end up marrying Vic?

I had to learn to do relationships differently.

Healthy love wasn’t modeled for me growing up, and in my young relationships, I repeated what I had seen in my parents’ marriage. (My mother often sublimated her desires and needs to my fathers’.)

Back then, my high-functioning codependency also got in the way of relating. I could turn a perfectly capable dude into an under-functioner in two weeks simply by continually saying, “I got it, I got it!”

My goal was to be the most amazing girlfriend ever to prevent boyfriends from leaving me.

This behavior was driven by my people-pleasing tendencies plus not wanting to be a burden or feeling like I “owed” anyone.

Of course, it didn’t work because being “the most amazing girlfriend ever” involved performative behavior. I wasn’t being myself.

I also never thought to be heart-centered and honest with boyfriends because my family of origin unconsciously taught me that men were people to manage.

I saw that men had power because they made all the money, but women (in heterosexual relationships) were the neck that wagged the head. Things got done because women took care of it. They had power behind the scenes and led the men to think they ran the show.

While I inherited these beliefs and behaviors, after exploring them in therapy, I realized doing this for the rest of my life sounded horrible and that I was happier being single. I didn’t want to be in a relationship if it meant making myself small because the person felt threatened by my success.

I was grateful for my amazing friends and career and enjoyed both deeply. I didn’t identify closely with becoming a wife or a mother, either. I thought those things would happen naturally, but neither was a driving force in my life.

I was also lucky because my family didn’t pressure me to get married or have kids young. Instead, the message I received from my mother was: get an education so you can have a career and earn enough for love to be a choice and not a necessity. I spent my 20s heeding her advice.

After these realizations in therapy and shortly before I met Vic, I settled on a dealbreaker: no more unexamined minds. I wanted a partner with many years of therapy under their belt.

My friends laughed and said good luck!

When I met Vic I asked him what he thought about therapy. He said he had been.

I leaned forward. “For how long?”

“A few decades,” he replied.

I like to say Vic isn’t perfect, but he is perfect for me.

11 Lessons For Healthy Love Learned From 25 Years of Marriage

Let’s move into the top 11 lessons for healthy love I’ve learned over 25 years of marriage. (Hint: most of these are for my high-functioning codependents, although anyone will benefit.)

#1: Mutual respect. It’s challenging to be in a relationship with someone you don’t respect. A lack of respect on either side eventually erodes any relationship you’re in.

We constantly show others how to treat us with what we choose to tolerate (or not). How we treat ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives, so set the bar high and treat yourself well. For more tips on getting the respect you deserve, check out this blog.

#2: Honest and authentic communication. Honest communication uplevels our relationships, and it’s never too late to learn how to communicate effectively.

If you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC), getting into recovery is largely about learning to handle how uncomfortable honest communication can make us feel. Avoiding hard conversations isn’t the solution because you’ll act it out eventually.

#3: Actually like them. So many of the relationships depicted in movies or shows involve a combination of “they drive me crazy!!” and having wild sex. I don’t know about you, but “drives me crazy” is not the kind of love I’m interested in, nor do I think it’s healthy.

Getting on each other’s nerves at some point in any relationship is normal, but truly liking the person you’re with is a must because the honeymoon phase doesn’t last.

Plus, in long-term relationships, regularly focusing on the things you like about your person is incredibly important because the longer you’re together, the easier it is to focus on the negatives, which can breed resentment.

#4: Create a shared couple’s vision. This is about getting on the same page with how you each want your lives to be (now and in the future), and how you want to spend your time and money.

For example, if your partner wants kids and you don’t, it’s important to know that before getting married! Similarly, it’s helpful to be on the same page about where you might want to retire ahead of time, otherwise, you may discover you want to be in two different climates.

The guide for this episode contains a step-by-step process to create a shared couple’s vision.

#5: No unasked for advice or criticism. In heterosexual relationships, men often want to “fix” and women just want to be heard. (This dynamic is slowly changing, but I still get folks writing to me about it.) Instead of giving unasked-for advice or criticism, try saying, “How can I best support you right now?” Hopefully, the person will tell you, and you can stop guessing.

I asked Vic this question many years ago when he was going through something brutal, and his response was, “Have faith I’m going to figure it out the way I need to.” I promptly stopped making suggestions!

#6: Value what they want for themselves, and be part of their solution to get it. We often get involved with someone and see their potential or what we want them to do, but what they want for themselves is more important.

If your partner has a dream and you truly love them, you’ll want their dream to come to fruition, even if it’s scary.

Part of Vic’s dream was being embedded in active war zones as an artist. Did I want him to? Of course not. But I said, “Great, go for it, this is your dream,” because I don’t own Vic. I’m just lucky enough to partner with him.

I worried while he was away, but endured it because how many people in the world can go into a war zone and draw things on the spot? Not many, and that’s one of the numerous things I find fascinating and compelling about Vic.

Would I have been as cool about it if I had an infant to care for? Probably not, but it would have been something to talk about and find a path towards.

#7: Avoid ownership, jealousy, or punishing behavior. You don’t need to express your dislike of something by punishing your partner. Do your best to use your words instead of acting out.

Additionally, if you’re jealous in your relationship and have a generally trustworthy partner, consider seeking therapy. Being jealous and acting on it (like snooping through their phone) is extremely damaging to relationships. This level of paranoia negatively influences the relationship.

#8: Become an expert and active listener. Do you bring conversations back to you before the other person finishes a story? No shame if you have- I’ve been there (and still do it sometimes). But when I’m talking to someone and they cut me off, I feel like they’re not interested, which leaves me feeling hurt and like I’m boring them.

Becoming an active and athletic listener provides people with an opportunity to expand on what they’re saying, and allows you to learn more about what they’re saying.

If you’re neurodivergent and find this difficult, I think it’s okay to negotiate what active listening is and looks like. Establishing a mutual agreement with your partner on this is key.

I also love IMAGO Therapy, where you simply say, “Is there more?” and let the person talk. When they’re done, you reflect what you heard back to them to see if you understood: “When I’m running late and I don’t call you, it scares you, makes you feel unimportant, and like I’m not thinking about you. Did I get that right?”

It’s like effective communication on steroids. If active listening is something you struggle with, I highly recommend checking IMAGO Therapy out.

#9: Take responsibility for your physical and mental health, because not doing so has a profound impact on the relationship. This means staying healthy to the best of your ability. We can’t always control getting sick, but there are many things we can do to stay healthy, like moving our bodies, hydrating, eating well as best as we can, and staying on top of wellness checks.

Vic is 10 years older than me, and when we got together, I told him it was his responsibility to stay physically fit, visit the doctor regularly, and be proactive. I didn’t want to have to manage it or worry about it, and I haven’t had to!

#10: Have fun and have sex. Planning fun things is important because it’s enlivening.

Vic and I are workaholics, but for our anniversary, we went back to where we got married for four days and left work at home (despite being two weeks out from my book launch!). The place had been updated and it was as romantic as it sounds.

And when you stay in a hotel, the amount of sex you have can basically double because you’re in a different environment and can focus on it and make it fun.

If you’re in a relationship that has prioritized sex from the beginning, keep prioritizing it. Once every four months? Not going to cut it (in my opinion). Schedule it if you have to!

#11: Don’t interrupt! This one is still hard for me, but if your partner is telling a story differently from how you would, don’t interrupt them. Let them tell it. Accept that you’re two different people and how you perceive and experience things is different, too.

Remember to download the guide for all 20 tips to healthy love, and in case you haven’t heard…I have a new membership which includes my signature courses, weekly Q&A calls with moi, and accountability and welcome calls with Coach Sarah! Get all the details and check it out here. I’d love to have you be part of this beautiful community.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

656 11 Keys to Long-Lasting Love (25th Wedding Anniversary Edition!)

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“Honest communication uplevels our relationships. Regardless of what you did or didn’t learn growing up, you can learn to communicate effectively now.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are there couples who make you think, what do they know about love that I don’t? How do they do it?

Or do you see couples on TV and wonder, how can I get that kind of love? Where can I even find it?

If so, this episode is for you because I am sharing reflections from 25 years of marriage (I can’t believe it!) to my one and only, Vic, about how we’ve kept it good, and how to apply these lessons to your relationships.

Highlights:5:00 How insecurity leads to over-functioning in love8:00 Why I decided not to date men with unexamined minds12:00 Keeping the bar high by treating yourself well13:00 Communicating honestly and authentically14:10 Liking the person you’re with15:10 Creating a flexible shared couple’s vision18:00 Keeping unwanted advice or criticism to yourself19:10 Valuing what your partner wants for themselves20:30 Staying away from jealousy and punishment22:00 Improving your listening skills24:10 Taking responsibility for your health25:20 Make time for fun and sexLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

655 Menopause and YOU with Tamsen Fadal

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“The happiness curve on the other side of menopause is really something to be hopeful for. We often see women who get past some of the big symptoms and are just powerful and bold and sexy and great.” – Tamsen Fadal

Intro

I am so excited to welcome my pal Tamsen Fadal back to the show to talk about her new documentary, The M Factor: Shredding the Silence On Menopause. It’s available to stream right now on PBS!

Tamsen is an award-winning news anchor and menopause advocate, and she combined her skills and passion to create this amazing documentary.

During our conversation, Tamsen and I talk about our experiences with perimenopause and menopause, the lesser-known symptoms many women have, how the documentary came about, the hope Tamsen has for how it will impact the healthcare we receive as women, and so much more.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:3:20 How Tamsen’s new documentary “The M Factor: Shredding the Silence on Menopause” got its name4:50 The inspiration behind Tamsen’s journalism on menopause7:00 Combatting the misinformation about hormone therapy and breast cancer9:30 Tamsen’s personal journey going through menopause in the public eye14:10 The lesser-known symptoms of menopause18:50 How Tamsen found the guests for her documentary24:30 The optimism on the other side of menopause27:00 Coping with low libido after menopauseConnect with Tamsen Fadal

Tamsen Fadal is an award-winning journalist, menopause advocate, and social media’s ‘midlife mentor.’ After more than three decades as a news anchor, Tamsen made the bold decision to pivot her career toward women’s health advocacy. She’s the best friend helping to guide women through midlife and beyond, acting as a one-stop resource for everything they need to know to live their best lives. A gifted storyteller and seasoned reporter, Tamsen provides actionable tools from dozens of world-renowned experts on everything from wellness to fashion, which she shares daily, centering the stories of women.

Documentary: https://themfactorfilm.com
IG: https://instagram.com/tamsenfadal

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

The Key to Growth + Recovery For High-Functioning Codependents

How do you react to seeing a friend, sibling, or partner having a rough time?

Not how do you respond, but how do you react?

Do you immediately jump to share ideas or thoughts to try to fix their problem?

Or do you inadvertently invalidate their feelings by saying, “Hey, it’s not so bad. It’ll be better tomorrow”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking about the transformative power of learning to sit with emotional discomfort, why you may feel compelled to avoid it by taking action, and what you can do instead.

https://youtu.be/HtNUoHu2M0g

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

High-Functioning Codependency + Emotional Discomfort

We’re talking about emotional discomfort because it’s at the heart of high-functioning codependency, a topic I’ve been talking about a lot because, hello, my brand new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency is out TODAY!

If you’re new to my work, I define high-functioning codependency as being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, circumstances, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

I’m not saying you can’t be concerned about the people you love. All of us are lovers and want the people we love to be happy.

But when you’re a high-functioning codependent (HFC), you feel overly responsible for other people’s happiness, which often results in making covert or overt bids to control other people’s outcomes.

This can look like telling a friend to break up with their partner who’s a jerk, telling a cousin to leave their low-paying job, or picking up the slack to cover for a colleague.

It can also look like offering up our window seat on the train to a couple otherwise unable to sit together (because always scanning for ways to ward off potential problems is an HFC specialty).

At the root of these behaviors is an avoidance of emotional discomfort.

We’re tired of hearing our pal complain about their partner, we want better for our cousin, we don’t want our colleague to get in trouble, and we don’t want to seem uncaring to the couple who can’t sit together.

You might be wondering, what’s wrong with being thoughtful? There is more to it than that.

There’s a steep price to high-functioning codependency because this level of involvement in other people’s lives and experiences is exhausting. Learning to sit with emotional discomfort is crucial for HFC recovery, and we’ll get to how to do it in a bit.

Traits of High-Functioning Codependency

To give you a clearer idea of what an HFC looks like, here’s a quick rundown of the common traits:

Going above and beyond and giving until it hurtsAlways ready to jump into damage control modeAlways offering grade-A advice (and perhaps becoming a little annoyed or frustrated if said advice is not taken)Feeling exhausted, resentful, and potentially bitterBeing hyper-independent (difficulty asking for or allowing help)Boundary trampler (inadvertently)

The last one may be hard to swallow because HFCs are big-hearted, but constantly giving unsolicited advice disrespects someone’s right to be self-determined or separate.

Other people have the right to succeed and fail, thrive and flail, even if it makes you uncomfortable. We can’t know what someone else should do with their life better than that person.

Examples of High-Functioning Codependent Behaviors

How does HFC behavior manifest?

Auto-advice givingAuto-accommodatingAnticipatory planningOver-functioningOverly self-sacrificing

HFCs are usually ready to take one for the team, putting everyone else’s needs above theirs.

HFCs also excel at spotting and solving problems quickly. There’s a lot of hypervigilance around trying to stop bad things from happening.

For example, if your partner leaves for work and finds their car has a flat tire, you may immediately tell them to take your car and offer to Uber to work.

Or you might engage in anticipatory planning, thinking of what might go wrong in a particular situation and taking steps to ensure those things don’t happen.

The over-functioning nature of an HFC often causes those capable of functioning to under-function, too.

All of these behaviors have an element of self-abandonment because it’s impossible to simultaneously prioritize our needs, wants, desires, and dealbreakers and those of others.

HFCs often choose to self-abandon to keep the peace, but it’s not very peaceful in the long run (especially internally).

Additionally, these behaviors are compulsive, meaning, as HFCs, we can’t not do them.

Many folks push back against the concept of being HFC, saying they’re just trying to be nice or helpful.

But being nice is a choice. If you can’t not do these things, it’s not a choice; it’s a compulsion.

This is why I talk about getting into recovery from HFC as opposed to being ‘cured.’

The Cost of High-Functioning Codependency (To Us and Others)

The price we pay for HFC behaviors is high: burnout, health problems, lack of joy, becoming bitter, and not being fully self-expressed.

When you’re living in anticipation of how other people may react or what might go wrong, you’re also living what I call life ‘lite,’ where you’re not fully present in the experiences you’re having.

The cost to others is their autonomy. We rob people of their sovereignty by doing things for them that they can and should do themselves.

And in not accepting people where they are, we might invalidate their feelings.

Some HFCs are hyper-positive silver-lining detectives, saying things like, “It could be worse.” Or “Everything happens for a reason.”

HFC behavior also leads to treating people as though they’re projects, which is dehumanizing. No one likes to be managed.

All of these HFC behaviors negatively impact the quality of your life, which is why this matters.

How to Navigate Uncomfortable Feelings

Many of these automatic, habituated, ingrained behaviors are inspired by emotional discomfort.

When we feel distressed about something, moving into immediate action allows us to move away from how we feel.

As HFCs, other people’s pain or discomfort makes us uncomfortable, and we want our discomfort to stop. To that end, we attempt to fix, save, make suggestions, and direct.

Since many HFCs are also highly empathic and sensitive, other people’s pain does cause us pain.

We begin to break the cycle by learning to sit with our feelings instead of taking action by trying to control other people.

Steps to Take to Sit With Discomfort

A daily mindfulness practice is how I created the space I needed between my desire to jump into someone else’s situation and my ability to respond consciously.

I have many free meditations over on Insight Timer, but any kind of mindfulness practice will work. We need to slow down. Otherwise, we’re just giving into knee-jerk emotional reactions.

Getting intimate with our feelings is so important that I wrote an entire section about it in Too Much. Yes, we need to learn to emotionally self-regulate, but part of this is taking the time to understand why someone else’s discomfort makes you so uncomfortable.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a few journal prompts to help you develop a deeper understanding of where these compulsive behaviors come from.

Figuring out who provokes discomfort in you creates an even deeper understanding of what’s going on for you. It’s not about blaming someone, it’s about knowing what situations cause these feelings of discomfort to arise in you.

In the guide, you’ll find my three Qs for clarity to help you see where you might be repeating something from an earlier time in your life.

Being With Someone In Their Discomfort

There’s something amazing about simply being with the people we love while they’re in pain, without trying to fix them. This is where true intimacy blooms in our relationships.

True love is tolerating your discomfort to be with someone in the foxhole of whatever dark night of the soul they’re going through because you love them that much. It’s asking, “How can I best support you?” instead of imposing solutions and fixes on them to make yourself feel better.

And, keep in mind that all of these changes can be made slowly, simply by taking the next right action and then the next. You got this, and I got you!

Remember to download the guide for extra tips, and order Too Much because everything you need to break the cycle of high-functioning codependency is in the book!

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.

654 The Key to Growth + Recovery For High-Functioning Codependents

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“If we’re going to change ingrained, habituated behaviors, we cannot do it at 100 miles per hour. There’s just no way.” – Terri Cole

Intro

How do you react to seeing a friend, sibling, or partner having a rough time?

Not how do you respond, but how do you react?

Do you immediately jump to share ideas or thoughts to try to fix their problem?

Or do you inadvertently invalidate their feelings by saying, “Hey, it’s not so bad. It’ll be better tomorrow”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you. I am talking about the transformative power of learning to sit with emotional discomfort, why you may feel compelled to avoid it by taking action, and what you can do instead.

Highlights:5:30 The connection between high-functioning codependence and fear of emotional discomfort6:55 The habits of of high-functioning codependents9:00 The costs of high-functioning codependency for ourselves and others15:50 The steps to mindfulness around high-functioning codependency19:35 You can’t rush important change.22:00 Being present for people you love without trying to change themLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

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SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

653 Perimenopause Primer with Emily Sadri

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“There are receptors for estrogen in every cell in the body. And so when that goes away, it’s like a full system breakdown. And that’s why the symptoms of menopause and perimenopause are so vast.” – Emily Sadri

Intro

I am so excited to welcome Emily Sadri to the show to talk all things perimenopause! She’s a Board Certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, Certified Nurse Midwife, and hormone expert who’s helped thousands of women through this journey.

Emily is amazing at breaking down complex topics and making them accessible, and we got into the weeds on weight loss, insomnia, and how and why the loss of estrogen affects us so deeply.

If you want more info, join the summit for free! I’ll be speaking there: https://perimenopauserevolution.com/?...

Highlights:03:00 Emily’s origin story as an expert in women’s health who prioritizes optimal physiology09:40 How sexism leads to a lack of emphasis on women’s health13:55 Defining perimenopause19:15 How perimenopause can prevent weight loss21:15 Why you might need more light and more rest after menopause27:00 Finding health care providers who prioritize your health and experience42:35 All about Emily’s perimenopause revolution summitConnect with Emily Sadri

Emily Sadri is a Board Certified Women’s Health Nurse Practitioner, Certified Nurse Midwife, and hormone expert who has helped thousands of women understand the complex transition through perimenopause, and regain their sanity, clarity, and zest for life.

Emily has a gift for making complex hormonal topics accessible and actionable, and she believes that great health starts with happy hormones and a balanced stress response.

Emily is the founder of a boutique hormone and functional medicine Telehealth practice, Aurelia Women’s Health, whose mission is to help women repair their hormones and lose weight with confidence and ease (and without dieting).

Website: https://www.emilysadri.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

10 Signs You’re Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?

Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself?

Do you look outside yourself for validation? If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment: what it is, why we do it, the signs, and how you can move into self-consideration instead.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandoning is considering others’ preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers above your own. You might think, I’ll take one for the team or I’ll do it because I love you. 

People-pleasing is part of it, but self-abandonment goes deeper in how it impacts us internally. We’re so dialed into how others feel we get overpowered by what other people want and either numb our needs or stuff them down.

Of course, in healthy relationships, we compromise. But when we don’t know our wants or needs, we can self-abandon without realizing it, which isn’t the same as compromise.

What you want, think, and feel is worth knowing and prioritizing, and only you can do this for yourself.

A Personal Example of Self-Abandonment

When I was younger, all I wanted in my relationships was for the other person to be happy because I didn’t want them to leave me.

I was self-abandoning in service of not being abandoned. (ironic and true!)

But self-sacrificing doesn’t save relationships, nor is it healthy. Eventually, I became resentful and felt like my boyfriends took advantage of me.

In my teens and 20s, I didn’t know myself well enough to understand my 50% of the dance we were doing. I thought it was entirely on them.

Why Do We Self-Abandon?

Many of us come by self-abandonment honestly and naturally in childhood.

If you were in a chaotic family situation where abuse, addiction, or illness was present, you likely realized it was in your best interest to focus on others.

You learned not to rock the boat, make demands, or consider your needs because focusing on the abusive or unwell parent was the key to survival.

Feeling unworthy can lead to self-abandonment, too. This feeling may stem from childhood, comparing ourselves to others (especially on social media), or feeling like we are falling short of societal or cultural expectations.

Additionally, you may have learned to self-abandon if the adults in your life modeled this behavior when you were growing up.

I certainly did. When my parents were married (they divorced when I was 13), my father often came home from work late, after we were done eating. He’d ask my mother to make him dinner, and she did- she actually brought it to him.

I learned to self-abandon in relationships after years of witnessing her sublimate her needs and desires to my father’s. I looked up to my mother (I still do) and learned what it meant to be a good woman from her behavior.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a few questions to excavate what you may have learned about self-abandonment in your family of origin.

10 Signs of Self-Abandonment

You might be wondering what self-abandonment looks like in practice, so let’s review some common signs:

#1: Disordered boundaries. Can people talk you into doing things you don’t want to do? Do you say yes when you want to say no? These are examples of self-abandoning behaviors when your boundaries are too loose.

Constantly denying yourself the chance to do fun things may indicate rigid boundaries. You can read more about boundary styles here.

#2: Second guessing. When you need to make a decision, can you trust your gut, or do you listen to what someone else says you should do? Letting others decide for you has an element of self-abandonment because if it doesn’t turn out how you want, you’re the only person on the hook for it.

#3: Disease to please. When you’re a people pleaser, you don’t speak up out of fear of confrontation. Beyond prioritizing other people’s wants and needs above your own, you apologize even when you’re not sorry or when you’re mad. Apologizing becomes a way of getting through life because it smooths things over. For many women, saying I’m sorry is a way to prevent trouble.

#4: Perfectionism. Many people think perfectionism means wanting your work to be exactly right, but it’s also about being devoted to a perfect outcome and not caring what it takes to reach it. If you re-do a project five times and stay up until 4 AM to finish it because it’s not “good enough,” you’re self-abandoning because you need sleep. Perfectionistic tendencies often come at the expense of our well-being.

#5: Inner mean committee. Having a caustic inner voice, calling yourself an idiot, or talking harshly to yourself all the time scratches away at your self-worth. You wouldn’t use this language or tone with a child you loved, right? Treat and talk to yourself as if you are a child you love.

#6: Lack of self-care and self-consideration. Self-consideration looks like asking yourself whether you have the bandwidth to do something before agreeing to it. It also looks like asking, “Do I want to?” If we’re self-abandoning, “I don’t want to” doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. But it is, and inside the guide, you’ll find gentle ways to say no while staying true to yourself. Having healthy relationships means considering, prioritizing, and asserting your preferences!

#7: Being a chameleon. When I was younger, I was such a chameleon in relationships because I wanted my boyfriends to love me and perceive me in a particular way. For example, whatever music my boyfriend liked, I’d get into it, too. Shapeshifting takes a lot of bandwidth, though.

#8: Self-numbing. Self-abandoning can look like self-numbing with drugs, alcohol, Netflix binges, or hours of reality television.

#9: Self-betrayal. Our job is to do what serves our highest and best good. When we do things we know are wrong to please others and gain approval, we betray ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t compromise; self-betrayal is more about going against your ethics, values, or self-interest.

#10: Codependency. Codependent behavior involves doing more than your share, over-functioning to the point where other people in your life under-function, and feeling overly responsible for the feeling states, outcomes, experiences, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace. It’s an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes, and it is exhausting. There is so much self-abandonment in codependent behaviors.

From Self-Abandonment to Self-Consideration

I’ve heard many of you say it’s too late to change your self-abandoning behaviors, and I want to assure you it’s never too late to change what isn’t working for you.

Discovering how much you may have been self-abandoning can bring up feelings of anger or resentment, but have compassion for yourself. We all have good reasons for being the way we are, and you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now, you can begin taking steps toward self-consideration.

The first step is simply raising your awareness of where you self-abandon. For the next 24-48 hours, notice where you feel resentful and where you feel the urge to please others at the expense of yourself.

Record what you notice and see if there are any patterns. These behaviors often happen in specific relationships, and it’s valuable to identify them so you have the awareness to make changes.

Another important aspect of getting into recovery from self-abandonment is learning to pause. Take your time in getting back to people. Stop auto-yessing. You have the right to want to think about something before agreeing to it.

If you’re struggling with self-worth, I want you to know you are inherently worthy. When you look at a child you love, you’re clear that they are inherently worthy, right? The same is true for you.

If you’re a high-functioning codependent, it may be difficult to believe this because you may feel like you’re only as worthy as the last thing you did, but you are worthy simply by virtue of being alive.

For more tips on how to move from self-abandonment into self-consideration, download the guide here.

I also have more self-consideration practices in my upcoming book, Too Much, because they’re integral to breaking the cycle of codependent behaviors. If self-abandonment resonates with you, I think you’ll love it!

And if you are always looking for ways to uplevel your relationship game, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It starts TODAY and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.