10 Signs You’re Self-Abandoning + What To Do Instead

Do you tend to lose yourself in relationships?

Are you a people pleaser who prioritizes others above yourself?

Do you look outside yourself for validation? If you answered yes and you’re tired of these relational dynamics, you’re in the right place because I’m talking all about self-abandonment: what it is, why we do it, the signs, and how you can move into self-consideration instead.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Self-Abandonment?

Self-abandoning is considering others’ preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers above your own. You might think, I’ll take one for the team or I’ll do it because I love you. 

People-pleasing is part of it, but self-abandonment goes deeper in how it impacts us internally. We’re so dialed into how others feel we get overpowered by what other people want and either numb our needs or stuff them down.

Of course, in healthy relationships, we compromise. But when we don’t know our wants or needs, we can self-abandon without realizing it, which isn’t the same as compromise.

What you want, think, and feel is worth knowing and prioritizing, and only you can do this for yourself.

A Personal Example of Self-Abandonment

When I was younger, all I wanted in my relationships was for the other person to be happy because I didn’t want them to leave me.

I was self-abandoning in service of not being abandoned. (ironic and true!)

But self-sacrificing doesn’t save relationships, nor is it healthy. Eventually, I became resentful and felt like my boyfriends took advantage of me.

In my teens and 20s, I didn’t know myself well enough to understand my 50% of the dance we were doing. I thought it was entirely on them.

Why Do We Self-Abandon?

Many of us come by self-abandonment honestly and naturally in childhood.

If you were in a chaotic family situation where abuse, addiction, or illness was present, you likely realized it was in your best interest to focus on others.

You learned not to rock the boat, make demands, or consider your needs because focusing on the abusive or unwell parent was the key to survival.

Feeling unworthy can lead to self-abandonment, too. This feeling may stem from childhood, comparing ourselves to others (especially on social media), or feeling like we are falling short of societal or cultural expectations.

Additionally, you may have learned to self-abandon if the adults in your life modeled this behavior when you were growing up.

I certainly did. When my parents were married (they divorced when I was 13), my father often came home from work late, after we were done eating. He’d ask my mother to make him dinner, and she did- she actually brought it to him.

I learned to self-abandon in relationships after years of witnessing her sublimate her needs and desires to my father’s. I looked up to my mother (I still do) and learned what it meant to be a good woman from her behavior.

Inside the guide, you’ll find a few questions to excavate what you may have learned about self-abandonment in your family of origin.

10 Signs of Self-Abandonment

You might be wondering what self-abandonment looks like in practice, so let’s review some common signs:

#1: Disordered boundaries. Can people talk you into doing things you don’t want to do? Do you say yes when you want to say no? These are examples of self-abandoning behaviors when your boundaries are too loose.

Constantly denying yourself the chance to do fun things may indicate rigid boundaries. You can read more about boundary styles here.

#2: Second guessing. When you need to make a decision, can you trust your gut, or do you listen to what someone else says you should do? Letting others decide for you has an element of self-abandonment because if it doesn’t turn out how you want, you’re the only person on the hook for it.

#3: Disease to please. When you’re a people pleaser, you don’t speak up out of fear of confrontation. Beyond prioritizing other people’s wants and needs above your own, you apologize even when you’re not sorry or when you’re mad. Apologizing becomes a way of getting through life because it smooths things over. For many women, saying I’m sorry is a way to prevent trouble.

#4: Perfectionism. Many people think perfectionism means wanting your work to be exactly right, but it’s also about being devoted to a perfect outcome and not caring what it takes to reach it. If you re-do a project five times and stay up until 4 AM to finish it because it’s not “good enough,” you’re self-abandoning because you need sleep. Perfectionistic tendencies often come at the expense of our well-being.

#5: Inner mean committee. Having a caustic inner voice, calling yourself an idiot, or talking harshly to yourself all the time scratches away at your self-worth. You wouldn’t use this language or tone with a child you loved, right? Treat and talk to yourself as if you are a child you love.

#6: Lack of self-care and self-consideration. Self-consideration looks like asking yourself whether you have the bandwidth to do something before agreeing to it. It also looks like asking, “Do I want to?” If we’re self-abandoning, “I don’t want to” doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. But it is, and inside the guide, you’ll find gentle ways to say no while staying true to yourself. Having healthy relationships means considering, prioritizing, and asserting your preferences!

#7: Being a chameleon. When I was younger, I was such a chameleon in relationships because I wanted my boyfriends to love me and perceive me in a particular way. For example, whatever music my boyfriend liked, I’d get into it, too. Shapeshifting takes a lot of bandwidth, though.

#8: Self-numbing. Self-abandoning can look like self-numbing with drugs, alcohol, Netflix binges, or hours of reality television.

#9: Self-betrayal. Our job is to do what serves our highest and best good. When we do things we know are wrong to please others and gain approval, we betray ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t compromise; self-betrayal is more about going against your ethics, values, or self-interest.

#10: Codependency. Codependent behavior involves doing more than your share, over-functioning to the point where other people in your life under-function, and feeling overly responsible for the feeling states, outcomes, experiences, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace. It’s an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes, and it is exhausting. There is so much self-abandonment in codependent behaviors.

From Self-Abandonment to Self-Consideration

I’ve heard many of you say it’s too late to change your self-abandoning behaviors, and I want to assure you it’s never too late to change what isn’t working for you.

Discovering how much you may have been self-abandoning can bring up feelings of anger or resentment, but have compassion for yourself. We all have good reasons for being the way we are, and you did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Now, you can begin taking steps toward self-consideration.

The first step is simply raising your awareness of where you self-abandon. For the next 24-48 hours, notice where you feel resentful and where you feel the urge to please others at the expense of yourself.

Record what you notice and see if there are any patterns. These behaviors often happen in specific relationships, and it’s valuable to identify them so you have the awareness to make changes.

Another important aspect of getting into recovery from self-abandonment is learning to pause. Take your time in getting back to people. Stop auto-yessing. You have the right to want to think about something before agreeing to it.

If you’re struggling with self-worth, I want you to know you are inherently worthy. When you look at a child you love, you’re clear that they are inherently worthy, right? The same is true for you.

If you’re a high-functioning codependent, it may be difficult to believe this because you may feel like you’re only as worthy as the last thing you did, but you are worthy simply by virtue of being alive.

For more tips on how to move from self-abandonment into self-consideration, download the guide here.

I also have more self-consideration practices in my upcoming book, Too Much, because they’re integral to breaking the cycle of codependent behaviors. If self-abandonment resonates with you, I think you’ll love it!

And if you are always looking for ways to uplevel your relationship game, sign up for my Epic Relationships Summit! It starts TODAY and features 30 amazing experts sharing their wisdom and insights.

Have an amazing week, and as always, take care of you.