Terri Cole's Blog, page 16

667 Sex, Lies and Mental Health with Cheryl Burke

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“I’m starting to see that my new drug, since I stopped drinking, has been productivity. This is a socially acceptable drug, but I’m aware of it, and I’m not going to say that I’ve recovered.” – Cheryl Burke

Intro

I am so excited to have my new pal, Cheryl Burke, on the show to talk all about why she’s passionate about mental health and what got her here.

You might be familiar with Cheryl if you’re a Dancing With the Stars fan, as she appeared on 26 seasons of the show and retired two years ago.

In this conversation, she shares beautifully and candidly about the difficulties of her career, the freedom she’s found in being single, and what she has learned in her six years of sobriety.

This was such a heartfelt (new) girlfriend jam and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

*TW: sexual abuse and abuse in relationships is mentioned throughout the conversation. Please skip if these are sensitive topics for you!*

Highlights:9:30 About Cheryl’s new podcast, “Sex Lives and Spray Tans”12:40 How a lifelong dancing career affected Cheryl19:30 Cheryl’s emotional response to retiring from “Dancing with the Stars”21:00 The story behind Cheryl’s sobriety26:00 How workaholism has become Cheryl’s new drug45:00 Recapturing childhood after parentificationConnect with Cheryl Burke

With over thirty years of dancing experience and several championship titles under her belt, twice Emmy nominated professional dancer Cheryl Burke first fell in love with dance at the age of four, taking ballet lessons and performing throughout her hometown of San Francisco, California. At

age eleven, she discovered what would be her winning talent, Ballroom Dancing, and decided to hang up her ballet shoes to begin training and competing all over the world in both the International Standard and International Latin Ballroom Dance genres.

At age twenty-one Cheryl rocketed to stardom as the star of ABC’s surprise hit television show, Dancing with the Stars, becoming not only the first female professional dancer to win the show but also the first person in the history of the franchise to become a two-time, back-to-back, Mirrorball champion, winning her first two consecutive seasons, with NFL superstar and Hall of Famer, Emmitt Smith and 98 Degrees boy bander, Drew Lachey. 

Cheryl continues to expand her brand platform and launched Body Language in January 2024. Body Language focuses on the therapeutic benefits of healing through movement, which Burke has experienced, first-hand. As an avid mental health advocate, her passion in life is to share her story publicly and courageously and in turn help others find their path to overall wellness. 

Website: https://cheryl-burke.com

IG: https://instagram.com/cherylburke

 

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

4 Simple Gratitude Practices to Find Joy Even When Life Feels Heavy

Do you find yourself doomscrolling more than ever?

Does the news of what’s happening in the world negatively impact your mental state?

Do you focus more on what’s wrong, making you feel like nothing is right?

Whether you’re looking at the whole world or your corner of it, if the answer is yes, this episode is for you.

I’m talking all about the transformative power of gratitude, how it can impact what happens in your life, and giving you strategies for how to create more of it. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Gratitude?

Gratitude is a feeling. 

It’s being grateful for what’s right, even if everything isn’t right. 

It’s being grateful for what you have, even if you don’t have everything you want.

Gratitude is the ability to be thankful for all the blessings in your life, every single day. 

Thanks to gratitude, I’ve generally had a good attitude toward life. This has been true for decades. 

Maybe this was because my mother modeled practicing gratitude for my sisters and me early on, or because I tended to find the silver lining in situations (hello high-functioning codependency). 

Either way, I believe gratitude is a muscle, and the more we flex it, the easier it becomes to feel and cultivate.

The Transformative Power of Gratitude

There are physiological, mental, and emotional reasons to flex your gratitude muscle.

Studies show that people who are consciously and actively grateful feel better about their lives, get sick less often, experience greater happiness and less stress, and are more successful and determined.¹

This reminds me of a Wayne Dyer quote: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” 

This is so incredibly true.

Thinking and complaining about what’s wrong is stressful for our bodies. That’s why I’m inviting you to look for what’s right. 

However, I’m not advocating that you bypass what’s wrong. I’m also not talking about hyper-positivity or being in denial about things. 

But we have a choice: we can focus exclusively on what’s wrong, or find what’s right and deal with what’s wrong.

Here’s another way to think about it: humans are energetic beings. Our thoughts and feelings have vibrations. 

When you make gratitude your default position, you change and raise your vibration, allowing you to ‘hook’ similar things, because like attracts like. 

I believe that the more you are grateful for, the more the universe will send you things to be grateful for. 

The same is true for negative thoughts because we often find what we’re looking for.

We can change our vibration by using gratitude as the lens through which we see the world. It’s a powerful energetic shift.

Your Downloaded Gratitude Blueprint

Not all of us are naturally grateful or positive. Nature versus nurture means we’re all different because we have had different life experiences. 

To deepen your relationship with gratitude, think about what you may have learned about being grateful or hopeful from your family of origin.

My mother taught my sisters and me about gratitude. From an early age, she trained us to appreciate. If we passed something beautiful, she would slow the car down and say, “Look at that view,” or, “Hello, God.” 

My mother grew up in the country and has a deep appreciation for nature. She passed this love down to all of us. We all have bird feeders in our yards. I even have a bird book next to where I sit at night. 

My mother also taught us that having hot water on tap, food, heat, and clean water was a privilege. She didn’t make us feel bad or guilty about it, but we understood we were lucky to have access to these things.

We also had Fresh Air kids stay at our house in the summer, and friends who had abusive parents were welcome to live with us when needed. 

I learned to feel gratitude for what we had and to share it with others, which is a big part of my dharma and why I do what I do. 

Years ago, my husband, Vic, held different views on gratitude. He’s a first-generation American and “recovering” Catholic. 

Whenever I vocalized my gratitude, he used to say, “Shhh, don’t say it too loudly,” as if what I was grateful for would get taken away. 

He’s now much more comfortable being actively, vocally, and consciously grateful. (He’s influenced me so much, and I like to think I’ve influenced him positively, too.) 

If you can relate, know that it’s possible to change your relationship with gratitude, and it doesn’t cost you anything.

There’s No ‘Wrong’ Time For Gratitude

Given the current state of the world, it might seem like a weird time to practice gratitude.

Globally, we’ve had a rough bunch of years, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be grateful or find something to be grateful for in our lives.

Gratitude uplifts me, even when I am wringing my hands about the state of the world.

I’m grateful for beautiful days, amazing views, sunsets, the wildlife around our home, my career, my birds, my dog, my family, my friends, and Vic. 

I make it a point to practice gratitude daily because the more I flex this muscle, the easier it is to find things to be grateful for. 

We can still be grateful, even with major things happening in the world.

I’m not saying to bypass, avoid, or deny the difficult challenges present. I’m suggesting we shift our focus. We can practice gratitude and honor difficult experiences. 

4 Powerful Ways to Cultivate Gratitude

Every time we practice gratitude, we build new neural pathways, almost like building a gratitude highway in your mind. This paves the way for more gratitude-related thoughts, becoming more natural and common over time. 

It’s the same with complaining. It’s just a habituated behavior we might choose to repeatedly engage in. 

If complaining is part of your nature, no shame. You don’t need to feel bad about it. You just need to commit to changing the habit.

How? Give one of these four strategies to cultivate more gratitude a try. 

Write a letter of gratitude. As my friend davidji says, who were your champions? The people in your front row, cheering you on and wanting you to win? Who has made a huge difference in your life? 

If they’re still alive, write them a letter. If they’ve passed, you can still write a letter, burn it (safely), and send it to them in the ether. 

Writing them a letter expressing your thanks can help you create gratitude within your heart, too.

I recently sent a letter of gratitude to a guidance counselor who helped me apply to college in my senior year of high school. He wasn’t even my guidance counselor, but no one else had approached me to help me through the process. I didn’t know if he realized what he did for me, and it felt good to let him know. 

Meditate. Guided meditations can help slow you down enough to consciously, mindfully, and regularly become more grateful. One of my favorite apps is Insight Timer, where I have over 15 free guided meditations.  Journal. Inside the guide, you’ll find a few gratitude journal prompts you can use daily. A simple practice many folks like is naming three things they feel grateful for at the end of the day. It doesn’t need to be complicated.  Ritualize gratitude. Every day, I’m grateful for an amazing cup of coffee. It’s a ritual: grinding the beans, enjoying the smell of it brewing, and sitting down with Vic. 

We also have a nightly ritual where we share three things we’re grateful for. Nothing is too big or small to share.

And if you live with kids, try incorporating a gratitude practice into your family’s routine! Teach your children to be grateful for their blessings and to verbalize their gratitude. Again, focus on building the habit, just as my mother did for me and my sisters. 

No matter what’s going on in your life, there are still things to be grateful for. Regardless of whether gratitude comes naturally to you, the steps in the guide will empower you to invite more of it in. 

I’m Grateful For You

I can’t talk about gratitude without mentioning the overwhelming gratitude I feel for you and everyone who reads, watches, or listens to my content. 

If you are here, you’re interested in elevating your joy and lessening your suffering. You want to have better mental health, improve your communication skills, or lessen your codependency. 

You are seeking something and willing to do the work to get it. I see all the work you’re doing, and I’m cheering you on because you’re so worth doing the work for.

Something else I’m grateful for is the community of like-minded, like-hearted, compassionate women in my membership. If you want to dive deeper into this work, I invite you to join us. You’ll get access to four calls with me each month and four of my courses (Understand and Transform Your Mother Wound, Understand and Transform Your Father Wound, Boundary Boss Bootcamp, and Real Love Revolution)! Get all the details and sign up here. I’d love to have you.

Let me know your thoughts about gratitude in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Does it come easily to you? Do you need to work on cultivating more of it? Which gratitude practice would you like to try? 

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

¹https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier

666 4 Simple Gratitude Practices to Find Joy Even When Life Feels Heavy

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“Whatever we do repeatedly impacts what happens in our lives. Grateful thoughts are just thoughts, but the more you have them, the more things you will have to be grateful for– And the more natural it will be.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you find yourself doomscrolling more than ever?

Does the news of what’s happening in the world negatively impact your mental state?

Do you focus more on what’s wrong, making you feel like nothing is right?

Whether you’re looking at the whole world or your corner of it, if the answer is yes, this episode is for you.

I’m talking all about the transformative power of gratitude, how it can impact what happens in your life, and giving you strategies for how to create more of it.

Highlights:03:10 Recognizing gratitude04:30 The transformative power of gratitude07:30 Where to start if you want to be more grateful11:30 How upbringing can affect your relationship with gratitude14:30 An exercise to increase your gratitudeLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

665 How to Beat Toxic Productivity with Israa Nasir

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Toxic productivity is when our relationship to our productivity habits becomes very harmful to us. Instead of becoming more efficient, in the long term we end up getting burnt out, disillusioned or disconnected.” – Israa Nasir

Intro

I am so excited to welcome psychotherapist and author Israa Nasir to the show to talk about her new book, Toxic Productivity: Reclaim Your Time and Emotional Energy in a World That Always Demands More. If you’re a high-functioning codependent, tune in, because I think we tend to struggle with this! 

Israa shares practical strategies we can use to stop feeling like we need to do it all. We also touch on what healthy productivity looks like, signs you might be falling into toxic productivity, the dangers of running on autopilot, and feeling like you have to prove yourself.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Highlights:3:20 Israa’s origin story: from conservation science to therapy6:05 How Israa’s identity as a Pakistani Canadian influenced her career7:40 Defining and discussing toxic productivity15:30 What healthy productivity can look like22:10 Myths that perpetuate toxic productivity24:20 Why multitasking isn’t actually efficient26:30 What autopilot feels like and what it does to you29:00 Challenging toxic productivity32:35 Israa’s boundary struggle with her mother as a childfree by choice womanConnect with Israa Nasir

Israa Nasir, MHC-LP, is a New York City-based psychotherapist, writer, and the founder of WellGuide—a digital community for mental health awareness. A Pakistani-Canadian child of immigrants, she has a specific focus on mental health, identity formation and healing for the AAPI first-and second-generation immigrant community. Israa has been featured in NBC, Vox, Huffpost, Teen Vogue and other major publications and has been invited to speak at corporations such as Google, Meta, and Yale University. Israa sits on the Mental Health Advisory Board for both PopSugar (Vox Media) and the menstrual health product and advocacy brand, August.

Website: https://israanasir.com

IG: https://instagram.com/well.guide

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change

Do your friendships feel unbalanced?

Are certain friendships draining?

Do your friends disrespect or trample on your boundaries?

Or do your friends bring you down rather than lift you up?

If the answer is yes, this episode is for you because it’s all about assessing friendships: why we stay in unhealthy dynamics, what unhealthy friendships look like, and how to figure out what you want from friendships and what you can change.

https://youtu.be/gsj09e_p5fw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why We Stay In Unhealthy Friendships

We stay in unhealthy friendships for a variety of reasons.

One is historical handcuffs. We may feel like we have too much history with someone to let the friendship fade and stay out of obligation, similar to how some people feel about certain family members.

Sometimes, we simply don’t want to be alone. We’re afraid of not having people to spend time with, even if we feel worse afterward.

Other times, we may be too loyal. In my younger life, I prided myself on my loyalty, to the extent that I was equally loyal to everybody (which didn’t make sense!).

Our home training and what we learn about boundaries and connectedness impact our friendships, too.

When I was a people-pleaser in my teens and 20s, if someone wanted to be friends with me, I felt obligated to be friends with them. I didn’t realize I had a choice.

Have you ever felt this way?

What Unhealthy Friendships Look Like

There are many different types of unhealthy friendships.

Frenemies are passive-aggressive and often treat the friendship like a competition.

These are people you hesitate to share good news with because you know they’re only so capable of being happy for you. They may get jealous or make your good news about them and their lack of whatever you have.

Doomsday friends are great and supportive when your life is in the shitter and you’re in pain, but they often mysteriously disappear when things are going well or readily rain on your parade.

Unhealthy friends can also be controlling or bullying; they might feel like friendship is ownership, and it is not.

Elements of control contributed to multiple friendship breakups in my 20s. One ‘friend’ was so possessive and jealous, that she got mad when I didn’t tell her I had plans to hang out with my childhood friends. I didn’t owe her an explanation!

The Impact of Unresolved Childhood Injuries on Friendships

Another reason we may stay in unhealthy friendships is because it’s familiar to us. 

Unresolved childhood injuries can compel us to repeat unsatisfying relationships in adulthood.

For example, let’s say you had a judgmental mother. You may find yourself attracting female friends who are also very critical or judgmental of you.

Asking yourself the 3 Qs for clarity can reveal these dynamics (and they’ll be in the guide):

Who does this person remind me of?Where have I felt like this before?How or why is this behavioral dynamic familiar to me?

If you had a punitive mother, you might realize, “Oh, this friend reminds me of my mean mother. That’s why I’m staying in this friendship! I’m afraid and seeking her approval like I did with my mother.”

Once we establish this connection, it becomes easier to say, “Betty is not mom, and I do not have to be friends with anyone who treats me this way.”

I’ve seen many therapy clients experience repeating relationship realities within friendships. One client had a female archenemy whom she hated at every job she held. She thought it was normal (it’s not).

After asking the 3 Qs, my client realized these archenemies were actually about her older sister who bullied her as a child. She had continued to play out this scenario in her adult work life.

Do you have any friendships where you might be playing out unresolved childhood wounds?

Adult Relationships Are Voluntary

If any of this resonates with you, know this: all of our adult relationships are voluntary.

Yes, even with family.

Nobody is owed you.

(This only applies to adult relationships- not to minor kids.)

Knowing that all of your adult relationships are voluntary can be incredibly empowering.

If someone is controlling, demanding, or entitled, and you’re breaking your back to sacrifice for the relationship, something likely needs to change.

It’s possible you’ve outgrown a longstanding friendship or a group of pals. Not only is this okay, it’s normal.

Give yourself permission to change who has access to you, especially in your VIP section, because not everyone in your life deserves to know your most tender heart.

Signs a Friendship Is Past Its Expiration Date

Now that you’re familiar with what unhealthy friendships look like let’s review some signs and symptoms of an expiring friendship:

Upon seeing their name pop up on your phone, you automatically say ugh or feel a sense of dreadYou feel drained as hell after spending time with themYou spend a lot of time thinking or worrying about how they’ll feel if you tell them somethingYou walk on eggshells around themYou’re codependent with themYou don’t feel seen, heard, or understood by themThey tell you what to do without trying to understand you (or they lack the capacity to understand)

If you’re experiencing some of these things in a friendship, there’s a good chance something needs to change (more on that later).

Friendship Assessment: Questions to Ask

The 20-question friendship assessment in the guide will help you dig deeper, but here are a few questions to begin assessing your friendships.

Note: this is not about blaming or making anyone wrong. It’s about getting real with yourself about how you are in these relationships. Think of it as collecting data.

Is the friendship unbalanced? Do you feel like you give and the other person takes?Are they critical of you and your choices? Do they use humor, or do they put you down passive-aggressively? Are they judgmental rather than supportive of you?

I ended a few friendships in my 20s because I felt judged and controlled. These ‘friends’ always had suggestions for how I could do things ‘better.’

Back then, I put people on a pedestal and thought everyone else knew more than I did. I came from this “one down” position. Through lots of therapy and some growing up, I realized that wasn’t true- I had a lot to offer!

Are you always rescuing them ? Maybe it’s a friend who consistently calls you late at night (despite knowing you get up early) to vent about the same thing for the thousandth time. You know they have zero intention of changing, and they hang up feeling lighter while you feel like you got dumped on.Are they moody? Are they super high energy or down and depressed? If you’re an empath or highly sensitive person, this may exhaust you because people’s moods can have an enormous impact on you and how you feel.Are they angry or volatile? Maybe they explode over small things or don’t tell you how they feel until they erupt.

The full 20-question friendship inventory is inside the guide. Download it here and really think about what you’re tolerating in these relationships and what you wish was different.

What To Do After the Assessment

You might be wondering, should I cut all contact with someone immediately if I answer “yes” to these questions?

Not necessarily.

If the friendship isn’t abusive and it’s important to you, a conversation and a boundary might be more helpful than you think.

Be honest: how often or how much are you telling the truth about what you have an issue with in problematic friendships?

We have to look at and take responsibility for our 50% because every relationship is half us and half the other person. Our half is what’s in our control.

If someone is doing something you don’t like and you don’t speak up, you are setting the relationship up to fail.

If talking true is difficult for you, my first book, Boundary Boss, will help you assert yourself. If you’re a people-pleaser, rescuer, or over-function, check out my latest book, Too Much. It includes boundary-setting tips in the context of high-functioning codependency.

It’s common for a lack of boundaries to lead to resentment, but it doesn’t have to be this way. We just have to speak up and tell people what we need or can’t deal with.

After you complete the assessment, you’ll probably have three options:

Set a boundaryHave a clarifying conversationLet go of the friendship

But there’s a fourth option.

Sometimes, we need something other than friendship. Sometimes, we need a community of like-hearted, like-minded people to support us on our growth journey because our friends can’t meet us where we are.

That’s why I created The Terri Cole Membership. Inside, I host weekly Q&A calls with women learning to assert themselves, be their authentic selves, and have more fulfilling relationships.

If you’re seeking connection and a real sense of community, the membership might be for you. It’s $59/month or $590/year (two months free) and you get access to all my signature courses, too. (Boundary Boss Bootcamp, Real Love Revolution, Understand & Transform Your Mother Wound, and Understand & Transform Your Father Wound.)

I also have my 9-month mastermind, Flourish, coming up. We begin February 1, 2025. It’s for ambitious entrepreneurial women. In my experience, ambition can threaten the people in our lives, making it hard to get the support we need.

If you’re looking for support with your business and your emotions, and you want to be held in a sacred, intimate container with a small, select group of other women who will cheer you on, Flourish might be for you.

I just had a heartwarming call from four women who were in the 2023 cohort of Flourish. They called me from a trip to say, “You made this happen. We’re in Paris together because of you.” It’s amazing what can happen when you ask for what you need. They still meet weekly, too.

Healthy, robust friendships where you can be authentic are incredibly valuable. My female friendships are just as important to me as my marriage. I’ve had the same friends since Nixon was in office and they add so much to the quality of my life. I want the same for you.

Let me know your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Are female friendships difficult for you? Where have you found friends? Could you be telling the truth more often in your friendships? What did you discover from completing the friendship assessment?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

664 Problematic Friendships? Why We Stay + What to Change

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Spotify
Listen & Stitcher.
Listen & Google.
Listen & PlayerFM.

“I was indiscriminately loyal in my young life. I prided myself on being the same loyal person to everybody, even though that doesn’t make sense.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do your friendships feel unbalanced? 

Are certain friendships draining?

Do your friends disrespect or trample on your boundaries?

Or do your friends bring you down rather than lift you up?

If the answer is yes, this episode is for you because it’s all about assessing friendships: why we stay in unhealthy dynamics, what unhealthy friendships look like, and how to figure out what you want from friendships and what you can change.

Highlights:2:50 We always have the choice to make or break friendships5:00 Why we feel obligated to keep friendships going, even when they no longer serve us8:30 Types of friendships you might want to reconsider10:30 Signs that your friendship might be past its expiration date12:35 Some friendship inventory questions to help you take stock of the relationships in your lifeLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

663 Buy What You Want Without Going Broke with Jill Sirianni

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“All aspects of our personhood impact the others. We don’t just have finances out here lingering in the atmosphere, they’re a part of our being, alongside physical, spiritual, relational, and emotional wellbeing.” – Jill Sirianni

Intro

Have financial boundaries been hard for you?

Do you tend to spend more than you make?

Does “budgeting” sound unappealing?

Then you’re in the right place, because I am talking with Jill Sirianni, co-author of Buy What You Love Without Going Broke: Transform Your Spending and Get More of What Money Can’t Buy and co-host of the @FrugalFriends podcast. 

The book is all about connecting with your values and ensuring your financial life aligns with them. Jill is also a licensed clinical social worker and speaks to how finances affect ALL areas of our life.

I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did.

Highlights:3:15 The origin of Counsel Culture, a show sharing an honest, non-toxic male point of view5:30 How young men have responded to the show8:40 The path Dr. Ish took to psychiatry and then to television21:10 Dr. Ish’s experience working in television32:00 The three key factors that make a relationship epic28:00 How women’s relationship concerns have changed in the last ten years29:50 Dr. Ish’s experience with codependency35:10 Identifying which problems aren’t yours to fixConnect with Jill Sirianni

Jill Sirianni is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), co-host of the Frugal Friends podcast and co-author of Buy What You Love Without Going Broke (releasing Jan. ’25). She’s experienced in doing a lot with a little — from starting small businesses to full-time RVing — all of it was leveraged to pay off $60,000 of debt and cash flow her masters degree. Helping others is her highest value and integrating her mental health perspective with personal finance is how she supports others to identify, and live out of, what they value most.

Book: https://buywhatyoulovebook.com 

Podcast: https://www.frugalfriendspodcast.com/

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

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Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These Confidence-Boosting Strategies

When something good happens to you, do you ever think, “Maybe they made a mistake”?

Do you start doubting yourself or your worthiness?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I’m talking about imposter syndrome, how to navigate it, and how to boost your confidence.

Imposter syndrome is fresh in my mind as I ran into it writing my newest book, Too Much: A Guide to High-Functioning Codependency. I hope hearing about my experience can normalize it for you and give you some ideas on how to deal with it.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Imposter Syndrome?

The American Psychological Association refers to imposter syndrome as the imposter phenomenon, defining it as “the situation in which highly accomplished, successful individuals paradoxically believe they are frauds who ultimately will fail and be unmasked as incompetent.”¹

Here’s a hypothetical situation to illustrate it:

Let’s say you get a promotion or get invited into a coveted group, something you’ve really wanted, and your excitement immediately gives way to fearful thoughts.

Maybe there was a mistake, you think. They probably confused me with someone else who’s much more qualified. 

As time goes on, you might think, It’s only a matter of time before I’m found out! 

This is imposter syndrome in action.

These fears and doubts often lead to feelings of anxiety and depression because they scratch away at our professional confidence. It can even lead to career burnout.

If you’ve had these types of thoughts, you’re not alone.

With my therapy clients, I’ve noticed it usually appears when something good happens and they’re too afraid to believe it. While it shows up most often in our professional lives, it can also occur in relationships and dating, too.

It’s important to note that imposter syndrome happens in moments of elevation and expansion.

If you constantly struggle with being “found out,” please consider seeking help, as this shouldn’t be a state you’re in all the time. If it is, something else might be going on. I have a list of free mental health resources you can check out here and a guide on how to find the right therapist for you here.

My Experiences With Imposter Syndrome

As I was writing Too Much, I had an intense imposter syndrome experience.

The book is about high-functioning codependency, a term I coined when I found that my therapy clients didn’t see themselves in the typical definition of codependency: enabling an alcoholic, being weak, and depending on others.

Their behavior was codependent, but not in this context, so I expanded on the definition of codependency.

I saw high-functioning codependency as being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, relationships, finances, and careers of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace.

This definition resonated with my clients. Seeing themselves in it paved the way for them to do the necessary work to get into recovery from high-functioning codependency.

Even though this concept had greatly helped my clients, and I knew it could help others, fear still crept in.

Who was I to expand on a well-established psychological definition? (Even though codependency isn’t in the DSM-5, it’s a well-known term.) What would my peers think?

Beyond that, writing a book is HARD. It’s like trying to chisel an enormous block of stone into something beautiful that also makes sense.

Yes, I had written Boundary Boss and The Boundary Boss Workbook, but this felt different and more threatening.

I had a similar experience with imposter syndrome in 2011 when my pal Kris Carr and I were selected to be part of an Italian ELLE campaign. They wanted to photograph women changing the face of healing.

I remember walking down to the photo shoot and thinking my inclusion was a mistake. I knew my work was great, but I had just begun my public career.

Before going on set, I went into a cafe and did two things: I made a list of all my accomplishments and did breathing exercises for five minutes.

The list was evidence of my strength- the hard things I had done that I was proud of. Reviewing it helped me realize being included in this photo shoot wasn’t an accident. I went into it feeling grateful for the opportunity and had a great time.

If you want help creating a “brag” list for yourself, download the guide.

Imposter Syndrome is Common

Sometimes, knowing we’re not alone in feeling like an imposter can help.

Whenever I’m experiencing anything, I like to look up stories of other people, celebrities, or even well-known therapists to see if they’ve gone through something similar.

The answer is usually yes.

In the case of imposter syndrome, we’re in amazing company:

Mike Meyers has said, “I still believe that at any time, the no-talent police will come and arrest me.”

Pulitzer-prize-winning nominee Maya Angelou and actresses Tina Fey and friggin’ Meryl Streep have also identified with feeling this way.

Over the last 27 years of being a therapist, I’ve also seen countless clients struggle with this.

My husband, a well-respected and successful artist, navigates imposter syndrome, too. There are moments when he struggles and moments when he’s happy with his work.

When he’s struggling, I watch him and think, how many lifetime achievement awards or magazine covers do you need to feel worthy? His talent and accomplishments are so glaringly obvious to me, but not to him when he is feeling that way. 

Strategies to Overcome Imposter Syndrome

If some of the most talented people feel like frauds, it seems like imposter syndrome is just part of the human condition. But instead of giving in to it, we can prepare ourselves for when it hits.

As I mentioned, I love the idea of creating a “brag list” and naming accomplishments you’re proud of. You can review this list when imposter syndrome strikes to feel confident, capable, and resilient.

If you’re a perfectionist or hypercritical of yourself, a brag list can also shift your focus from the 2% that went wrong to what went right. What we put our attention on grows.

You might be thinking, bragging about myself feels wrong!

I get it. If you were raised to have massive amounts of humility or were shamed for feeling good about your accomplishments, it may feel self-indulgent to brag about yourself.

While some humility is good, we also have to know our strengths. We can be proud of the good work we do in the world and be humble.

The second strategy I recommend is searching the internet for something like “celebrities experiencing imposter syndrome.” Again, knowing that you’re not alone can normalize this experience.

It blew me away to see Meryl Streep quoted as saying, “You think, ‘Why would anyone want to see me again in a movie? And I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?’” I think she’s one of the most phenomenal actresses of any generation, but even she’s not immune to this.

My third suggestion is to learn to accept compliments. When you do, you can feel legitimately masterful at what you’re doing.

When you reject compliments, you minimize your work and reinforce feeling like an imposter.

Instead of brushing someone off when they say, “That was amazing, I loved it!,” practice saying, “Thank you, I worked hard on it. It makes me feel good to hear you say that.”

For more tips on creating a list of accomplishments and how to navigate feeling like an imposter, download the guide.

Let me know in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole): have you felt like an imposter before? How have you navigated this? Which tip will you try? Do you have a hard time accepting compliments? I’d love to hear from you.

Have an amazing week, boosting your self-confidence, and as always, take care of you.

¹https://dictionary.apa.org/impostor-phenomenon

662 Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These Confidence-Boosting Strategies

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“A brag list serves as evidence. Evidence of our strength– Data that tells you, ‘Hey. You’ve been through some stuff and you’ve done stuff.’” – Terri Cole

Intro

When something good happens for you, do you ever think, “Wow, I hope I don’t get found out!” or, “I don’t deserve this”?

Do you start doubting yourself? Do you think it must have been a mistake?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I’m talking about imposter syndrome, how to navigate it, and how to boost your confidence.

Imposter syndrome is fresh in my mind as I ran into it writing my newest book, Too Much: A Guide to High-Functioning Codependency. I hope hearing about my experience can normalize it for you and give you some ideas on how to deal with it.

Highlights:3:50 Recognizing the imposter syndrome experience6:00 My own experience with imposter syndrome writing my book about high functioning codependency, Too Much11:00 The strategies I used to make it through my imposter syndrome16:00 Imposter syndrome is part of the human condition, but if you feel this all the time, consider deeper causes17:45 The skill of accepting complimentsLinks Mentioned:

Visit  hfcbook.com to order my brand new book about breaking the cycle of high functioning codependency, Too Much!

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

661 Get Out of Your Own Way with Dr. Sophie Mort

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“Often, the patterns that have people stuck come from a good place, started for good reasons, and are part of their soul trying to make things better for them– It just doesn’t work for them anymore.” – Dr. Sophie Mort

Intro

Do you ever get so close to achieving a goal, and then something stops you from achieving it?

Do you find yourself getting in your own way and self-sabotaging?

Then you’ll want to tune in because I have Dr. Sophie Mort on the show talking about her newest book, (Un)Stuck: Five Steps to Break Bad Habits and Get Out of Your Own Way, which I think we could all use!

We talk about all the ways you can get unstuck and shift from feeling disempowered to empowered, the reasons why changing habits is hard, the compulsion to repeat our past, and the drama triangle (which can explain a lot about the ways we relate to others).

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Highlights:3:15 The origin of Counsel Culture, a show sharing an honest, non-toxic male point of view5:30 How young men have responded to the show8:40 The path Dr. Ish took to psychiatry and then to television21:10 Dr. Ish’s experience working in television32:00 The three key factors that make a relationship epic28:00 How women’s relationship concerns have changed in the last ten years29:50 Dr. Ish’s experience with codependency35:10 Identifying which problems aren’t yours to fixConnect with Dr. Sophie Mort

Clinical Psychologist Dr Sophie Mort, aka Dr Soph has a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a masters in neuroscience and a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is one of the few clinical psychologists in the world right now taking psychology out of the therapy room. After seeing the staggering decline of the nation’s mental health, she left behind her traditional role as a clinical psychologist in the NHS in order to provide more people with the access they need to have good mental health. Since 2018, she has helped thousands manage their emotional wellbeing by sharing her psychological knowledge on Instagram, on her blog and through her online private practice. Dr Soph is an expert for the mindfulness app Happy Not Perfect and has been featured in global outlets including Vice Magazine, Girlboss, Psych Central and Teen Vogue. A Manual for Being Human is her first book.

Website: https://drsoph.com
IG: https://instagram.com/_drsoph

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?