Terri Cole's Blog, page 16

682: Less Assuming, More Speaking Up – For People-Pleasers, Codependents + Empaths

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“We need to give people a chance to show us who they are. And when they show us who they are, we need to believe them, instead of assuming that they are like us.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Do you reluctantly agree to things you’d rather not do because you don’t know how to say no?

When you’re annoyed about something, do you say everything is FINE rather than saying what’s bothering you?

Do you also tend to judge someone if they don’t pick up on how you really feel?

In these situations, there’s an expectation that people will intuit our true emotions from the clues we drop.

However, relying on indirect communication can cause stress and resentment in our relationships because how we feel isn’t always apparent to others, even if we feel like it is.

The solution is authentic and direct communication, which is usually less comfortable, and why we often act rather than talk things out!

I want to empower you to choose to talk and assert your needs, which is what this episode is about. I’ll cover why we find it hard to speak our minds, why we may find it easier to judge and blame others, and ideas for being more authentic in our communication.

Highlights:3:30 The fears that make honest communication difficult7:15 Recognizing what you need to talk about but aren’t talking about11:50 Judgement and positive projection13:50 Practicing your boundary settingLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 21, 2025 00:00

681 Lasting Love Tips with Jillian Turecki

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Full acceptance and agreeing on what it means to have a life well-lived are the two most important signs that someone is right for you.” – Jillian Turecki

Intro

Today I’m chatting with Jillian Turecki about her new book, It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. She shares how acceptance and shared vision for the future can help you create a lasting love, how to tell if your partner isn’t right for you, and some hard truths that will help you get unstuck in love and life. Plus, she answers a question that could change how you approach dating: In order to love someone in a healthy way, do you need to love yourself first?

Highlights:2:10 Jillian’s origin story around love6:20 How Jillian pulled herself out of her dark night of the soul11:15 Who should read Jillian’s new book,13:00 What it means for someone to be the right partner14:35 Hard truths about love17:30 What it means to love yourself25:45 Why do we think we can change our partners?31:10 Jillian’s most difficult boundary struggleConnect with Jillian Turecki

Jillian Turecki is a renowned relationship coach, teacher, author, and host of the Podcast, Jillian On Love. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive, Jillian has helped thousands over the last 20 years through her teachings, courses, and writing to revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they transform their romantic relationships. Jillian is sought out for her compassionate, direct, and very authentic style of coaching, teaching and writing.

Website/book: https://jillianturecki.com/book

IG: https://instagram.com/jillianturecki

Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChbToHTSCN-iwFzx1bfT0SA

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 16, 2025 00:00

10 Boundary Practices to Go From Self-Abandoning to Empowered

Are you overly invested in the feeling states, situations, careers, circumstances, and relationships of the people in your life, to the detriment of your own internal peace?

So invested, that setting and maintaining boundaries feels selfish or impossible?

If so, you’re not alone, and this episode is for you. I’m looking at the Boundary Boss Bill of Rights from my first book, but through the lens of high-functioning codependency because that’s what my newest book, Too Much, is all about!

For high-functioning codependents (HFCs) who are used to giving, setting boundaries can be challenging, but they’re essential to our relationships. These boundary rights can serve as transformative tools for breaking free from the cycle of over-giving, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment so prevalent in HFCs.

https://youtu.be/iHsYUDSmBDo

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Boundary Boss Bill of Rights Through the Lens of High-Functioning Codependency

Being the go-to problem solver, tireless caretaker, or rock everyone depends on are codependent behaviors HFCs often wear as badges of honor.

These traits can stem from generosity and love, but they can also come at the expense of personal well-being, boundaries, and self-identity.

While many HFCs are big-hearted, their helping nature and the compulsion to ‘fix’ or suggest solutions can lead to inadvertently stepping over other people’s boundaries.

Knowing your boundary rights can help you give from a healthier place and create space for more mutuality in your relationships. Let’s dive in.

#1: You Have the Right to Say ‘No’ or ‘Yes’ Without Feeling Guilty

Saying “no” as an HFC may feel impossible, but guilt-free no’s are the foundation of healthy relationships.

We have to be able to say no if that’s what our heart says, or if we simply can’t do something.

We don’t want our “yes” to come at the cost of ourselves. If it does, we need to look at why we’re saying yes. Overextending yourself doesn’t earn love. It might earn you temporary approval, but that’s not the same.

Your right to say no empowers you to choose where your energy goes and helps you let go of needing to justify your decisions.

How to practice this: When it feels true to you, say “no” in small, low-stakes situations to build confidence for saying no to more important people or decisions.

You may notice discomfort when you say no, but this is a sign of stepping into healthier patterns.

If you feel guilty for saying no, it’s probably not because you did something wrong, but because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. Part of getting into recovery from HFC is being okay with disappointing others.

#2: You Have the Right to Make Mistakes, Course Correct, and Change Your Mind

HFCs might feel like complete failures for making mistakes as they want to be above reproach, but the truth is that making mistakes is part of being human. No one is perfect.

Mistakes can create growth opportunities, and changing your mind shows flexibility and honors that you’re constantly evolving.

Agreeing to something once isn’t agreeing to it forever. We can change our minds!

How to practice this: Allow yourself to admit when something isn’t working and be honest with where you are. Whether with a job or a relationship, practice forgiving yourself for being imperfect because nobody is perfect.

The flexibility you have when you allow yourself to course correct is a strength, not a weakness.

#3: You Have the Right to Negotiate For Your Preferences, Desires, and Needs

HFCs often put others’ needs above their own, but our needs are just as valid as anyone else’s.

We don’t need to just accept what others want or are willing to give.

Negotiating in relationships creates space for mutual respect and reciprocity, and it’s how you assert yourself, which is good for you to do.

If you were raised in a family system where having needs got you in trouble, you likely learned to be a kid without many needs, who grew up to be an adult without many needs.

You might fear that needing something will lead to disappointment because you learned people couldn’t or wouldn’t step up for you as a kid.

But if you want this to change, you must try something different.

How to practice this: Negotiate your preferences in low-stakes situations, like choosing where to eat. The wins you get in small situations build the confidence to advocate for bigger needs. Self-advocacy isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary part of balance.

#4: You Have the Right to Express and Honor All Your Feelings If You So Choose

I included “if you so choose” because you also have a right to emotional privacy.

If you’re an HFC, you might suppress your feelings to avoid burdening others, which can lead to feeling alone and disconnected.

When I was an active HFC in my twenties, I spent so long listening to others that by the time anyone asked about me, I was so resentful I’d say, “Nothing, same old, same old,” just to get off the phone.

Repressing or suppressing your feelings doesn’t protect your relationships, though. It just blocks people from knowing who you are.

How can you have intimate relationships if no one knows how you feel? You can’t. Honoring your emotions deepens your connections.

How to practice this: Journal to reconnect with any emotions you may be minimizing and get curious about the feelings underneath the ones you discover. For example, if you feel resentful, ask, is there a different feeling underneath that?

Allow yourself to feel without judgment, and if you feel called to, share whatever you discover with a trusted friend or therapist.

#5: You Have the Right to Voice Your Opinion, Even If Others Disagree

HFCs often keep their opinions to themselves to maintain the peace, but your voice is a vital part of your relationships. What you think and how you feel is essential.

Disagreement doesn’t have to mean disconnection or something terrible. We’re not all the same! The ability to disagree and tell the truth creates space to have real relationships.

Of course, if politics or an argumentative/emotionally unsafe person are involved, agree to disagree and don’t have the conversation. I’m talking more about where we’re self-abandoning to keep the peace and not feeling good about it.

How to practice this: Begin sharing your opinion on neutral topics like books, movies, or shows. Gradually move toward expressing your opinion on things that matter to you, to the people who matter to you. Your truth deserves to be heard by your VIPs.

Want all of the practices I’m mentioning in one spot? Download the guide to take your time going through each of these rights and the actions to affirm them.

#6: You Have the Right to be Treated With Respect, Consideration, and Care

HFCs often give a lot only to accept less from others to avoid being seen as “needy.”

Exercising your right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care reinforces that these things are mutual in a relationship (which they need to be) and that you deserve to be cherished for who you are, not just what you do.

How to practice this: Notice the patterns in your relationships. Are you the only one giving? Then, start setting small boundaries to create more mutuality. Mutual respect and care strengthen relationships, but a one-sided effort is just codependency.

#7: You Have the Right to Determine Who Has the Privilege of Being In Your Life

It’s easy for HFCs to hold onto draining or toxic relationships out of fear.

When I was younger, I was the queen of holding on for way too long in relationships because I didn’t realize I had a choice to let go.

Not everyone deserves to be in the VIP section of your life. You have the power to decide who belongs and who doesn’t. All of our adult relationships are voluntary- even family.

How to practice this: Take an inventory of your relationships and ask yourself, who energizes me? Who depletes me?

Start to clean out the VIP section of your life and release relationships that no longer serve you. It’s your right to see people less or limit how long you spend with them if they drain you.

#8: You Have the Right to Communicate Your Boundaries, Limits, and Deal Breakers

As an HFC, you might feel like setting boundaries is selfish or risky, but healthy boundaries are meant to protect your energy.

Boundaries are not barriers. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is a radical act of self-love and love for others. It takes courage to set boundaries; our relationships are much better because they create mutual understanding and respect.

It’s your job to communicate your boundaries because no one else can do it for you! It’s not the responsibility of those around you to read your mind because they can’t.

How to practice this: Start small and practice setting boundaries in safe or unimportant relationships first, as it will feel less threatening.

Use compassionate statements like, “I can’t take that task on right now, but I hope you find support,” or, “I know you’ll figure it out.”

#9: You Have the Right to Prioritize Your Self-Care Without Feeling Selfish

HFCs often sacrifice self-care to meet others’ needs, but it’s essential for your health and well-being.

Prioritizing yourself helps you show up better for others, but that’s not the reason to do it.

The reason to prioritize it is because you are worth taking care of. You deserve to be well cared for by yourself and the people you allow to be close to you. It’s that simple.

How to practice this: Treat self-care as non-negotiable and block time in your calendar for it. To start, take 15 minutes for something that feels nourishing or energizing.

HFCs are highly capable, but even they can’t pour from an empty cup.

#10: You Have the Right to Talk True, Be Seen, and Live Free

To keep the peace, HFCs often hide parts of themselves, but this breeds insecurity.

Living free means embracing your whole self, even if it challenges others.

True freedom comes from aligning your life with your values, not self-abandoning to please someone else.

My top core desired feeling (from my friend Danielle LaPorte’s work and book, The Desire Map) has always been freedom. The freedom to do whatever I want and to fully embody who I am without fear of judgment, ridicule, or rejection. This freedom is life-changing.

How to practice this: Reflect on what living free means to you. What feels authentic and what feels performative? Make choices that align with your authentic truth.

All the practices mentioned above are inside the guide, which you can download here. Take time to go through it because setting boundaries, prioritizing your needs, and reclaiming your time and energy isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about transforming how you show up in every area of your life.

These changes don’t happen overnight, and they’re not always easy to make alone. Structure, support, and community can be crucial, so I want to invite and encourage anyone who is a healer, helper, or coach looking to expand in their life and business to check out my 9-month mastermind, Flourish.

It’s for high-achieving, heart-centered women to move from over-functioning and people-pleasing to a place of more authentic power, balance, and freedom within a community of like-minded, like-hearted, highly capable women cheering each other on.

If that sounds interesting, please apply to join- I’d love to have you. We begin March 1st!

If you’re looking for a smaller commitment you can dip in and out of, you can also join my membership where you get access to four Q&A calls with me each month and my signature courses, like Boundary Boss Bootcamp. Get all the details and join here.

Let me know your thoughts about the Boundary Boss Bill of Rights in the context of high-functioning codependency in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole). Do you feel more empowered to set and maintain boundaries? To be more discerning about how much and to whom you give? Where do you still feel uncertain?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 14, 2025 03:00

680 10 Boundary Practices to Go From Self-Abandoning to Empowered

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Overextending yourself doesn’t earn love. It might earn approval, temporarily, but that isn’t the same.” – Terri Cole

Intro

Are you overly invested in the feeling states, situations, careers, circumstances, and relationships of the people in your life, to the detriment of your own internal peace?

So invested, that setting and maintaining boundaries feels selfish or impossible?

If so, you’re not alone, and this episode is for you. I’m looking at the Boundary Boss Bill of Rights from my first book, but through the lens of high-functioning codependency because that’s what my newest book, Too Much, is all about!

For high-functioning codependents (HFCs) who are used to giving, setting boundaries can be challenging, but they’re essential to our relationships. These boundary rights can serve as transformative tools for breaking free from the cycle of over-giving, people-pleasing, and self-abandonment so prevalent in HFCs.

Highlights:3:00 An excerpt from my new book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency4:50 What is over-functioning?6:50 The oversized feeling of responsibility that comes with over-functioning9:00 How your over-functioning can lead someone else to under-function13:30 Continuing the excerpt from Too Much 14:40 How additional challenges can exacerbate over- and under-functioning16:00 Strategies to reduce over-functioning in your lifeLinks Mentioned:

Find the downloadable guide I made to go along with today’s episode here.

Take the boundary quiz and learn more about your Boundary Style

Here are some ways I can support you:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits and bringing more satisfaction, joy and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. Purchase your copy now!

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day ?

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea ?

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 14, 2025 00:00

679 Break Up On Purpose with The Angry Therapist, John Kim

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“There’s a natural evolution to love. There’s a natural progression and evolving and expanding. At first it is about the promise, now it’s more about me choosing you here and now today.” – John Kim

Intro

Today John and I are doing something new for the show– We’re both interviewing each other for our own podcasts, at the same time! We jam on how breakups create the perfect conditions for reflection, how high-functioning codependency interferes with healthy relationships, and the ultimate purpose of love. Plus, I share some details about how I turned to the web to help more people over a decade ago!

Highlights:5:30 How Terri came to write about high-functioning codependency7:30 The importance of understanding your relational blueprint before you can change it 11:20 The inspiration behind John Kim’s book, Breakup on Purpose: A Catalyst for Growth14:20 How ownership can help return a sense of control when you are going through a difficult breakup 17:40 Terri’s origin story22:00 Terri and John’s experiences writing books24:10 John’s “Single on Purpose” app and community27:00 How modern gender relations have changed modern dating 32:50 What love looks like to John Connect with John Kim

John Kim is a licensed therapist, speaker, and author of best sellers, “I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck” and “Single. On Purpose.” He is a writer for Psychology Today among many other publications and has been featured in The New York Post, NPR, Armchair Expert, Vice, and currently has a television show in development at ABC based on his life. John changed the temperature of therapy twelve years ago, after going through a divorce. He started a blog called The Angry Therapist and quickly built a devoted following of fans who loved the frank and authentic insights that he freely shared on social media. He pulled the curtain back and showed himself by practicing transparency and sharing his story, something therapists are taught NOT to do. Kim became known as an unconventional therapist who worked outside the box by seeing clients at coffee shops, on hikes, and in gyms. He comes with you instead of at you.

Today he lives in Altadena California raising a daughter with his wife. He writes books, sends daily texts, and still rides his motorcycle to coffee shops to help people rewrite their stories.

Book: https://www.harpercollins.com/products/break-up-on-purpose-john-kim?variant=42305553956898

App/Community: https://singleonpurpose.life/

YouTube: @theangrytherapist

IG: https://instagram.com/theangrytherapist

Here are some ways we can connect and grow together:

I WROTE A BOOK ABOUT BOUNDARIES! Boundary Boss is THE essential guidebook for authentically expressing your desires, setting healthy limits, and bringing more satisfaction, joy, and peace into all of your personal and professional relationships. There are super JUICY bonuses when you pre-order, so what are you waiting for?

TAKE THE BOUNDARY STYLE QUIZ I always say, ya can’t change anything until you become aware of it, so take the quiz and discover your unique boundary style!

FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL Instagram is my jam and one of my favorite ways to connect with you. I put out new content there every, single day.

JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP Become a part of our powerful community of real love revolutionaries!

SIGN UP FOR THE NEWSLETTER Want love notes from me delivered straight to your inbox? I share things to inspire and empower you each week, plus what I’m reading, watching, cooking…you get the idea?

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 09, 2025 00:00

Stop Over-Functioning + Create Balance in Your Relationships (Here’s How!)

Are you tired of being the one doing all the things for all the people?

Are you the point person for everything in your family life?

Does it feel like you’re the only one who can reliably get things done?

Then this episode is for you because I am talking about a common relational dynamic I see in high-functioning codependents (HFCs): how one person over-functioning causes the other to under-function.

To illustrate this dynamic, I’m sharing an excerpt and case study from my newest book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency. You’ll learn how this dynamic impacts us, examples of how it shows up in our relationships, and how you can stop over-functioning.

https://youtu.be/LObAX13OAX4

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning Case Study: Dina and Ed

This excerpt is about a therapy client, Dina, whose relationship involves an over- and under-functioning dynamic:

One night, when she was on her way out for her night shift, Ed said, “Hey, babe, can you make me scrambled eggs before I go?”

She sighed. “Actually, I’m tired and looking at a long night,” she said. “Can you make the eggs?”

She didn’t plan to say this, but the words materialized as if by magic.

Ed, however, did not find Dina’s request magical. “Oh, sure. I’ll make it myself,” he said, clearly irritated.

If Dina wasn’t so annoyed, she might have laughed at what happened next. Ed, who had lived in this house the exact same number of years as Dina, started opening and shutting cabinets, looking for a pan. How does he not know where the pans are? she thought. While Dina watched, he opened the refrigerator door, scanning the shelves. “Do you use butter?” he asked. “Would you also use oil?”

The door was open so long it started beeping.

“What’s that?” he said, looking alarmed. “What kind of cheese would you put in the eggs—cheddar?”

Good Lord. Looking at Ed feign such helplessness in his own kitchen, Dina walked over, grabbed the butter from his hands, and said, “Never mind, I’ll do it.”

There’s got to be a better way, she thought.

When we finally take a long look at our patterns in relationships, we start to see how it’s never just that one pan of scrambled eggs, that one time we inconvenienced ourselves, that one relationship. This long-overdue interpersonal revision will affect every aspect of how you relate to others—including how you set boundaries, the balance of giving and taking, and where you’re unconsciously driven by a need to manage those around you.

When you’re an HFC, you are all about the relationships in your life. Healthy relationships are built on mutuality—relatively equal effort in giving and taking. But if you’re an HFC, you are likely giving more than you are taking.

Dina and Ed were in a long-term relationship, where their dynamic wasn’t always like this:

When Dina, my client married to the reluctant egg chef, began to take stock of the underlying relational dynamics, it became clear to her that she was an over-functioner and Ed, her husband, was an under-functioner. Her focus in recent years had been on her own finite energy levels. As she aged, she did not have the limitless bandwidth she once had.

“When we got married,” she said, “it felt like it was us against the world. Ed was not always this apathetic. He used to bound downstairs in the morning, make me my coffee, and bring it to me in bed. He hasn’t done that in…I don’t know…at least a couple of decades?”

When I asked her if she could pinpoint a shift, she said, “Well, I guess it happened around the time we had our oldest child. For financial reasons, I had to pick up more shifts starting when the baby was six months old. It’s all a blur, really, but I was working on some kind of autopilot because it was just easier for me to handle everything.”

I asked her, “If you could guess, what do you think changed for Ed?”

Dina thought for a moment. “You know, I remember him becoming needier around that time. As I was doing it all, I’d not only left myself out of the equation but him, too.”

This was the beginning of the shift in their relationship.

There were other complications, too. Ed had health challenges and went out of work on disability, which made him feel like he couldn’t add value.

Dina was also a bit of a perfectionist. Ed shared that in the beginning, even when he did do things, it often wasn’t good enough or the way she wanted it to be done, so he stopped offering to help.

I don’t share this story to place blame on either of them. I share it to help you become aware of this over- and under-functioning dynamic and to help you recognize it in your own relationships.

It doesn’t have to be romantic, either. This dynamic can be present in friendships, with siblings, or at work.

As HFCs, we rarely see that we have a choice in how we relate to others, so it’s important to become aware of where we might be creating our own suffering.

What Is Over-Functioning?

I know many of you suffer from doing too much and can relate to Dina’s story, so let’s get into the concept of over-functioning.

In your friendships or romantic relationships, do you regularly do more than your share of the work, while others regularly do less than theirs?

Maybe it was more balanced in the beginning, but with time, you began over-functioning and they began under-functioning.

This dynamic is very common, especially for HFCs, because our over-functioning behavior often turns regularly functioning people into under-functioners.

This type of behavior is codependent and exhausting, and the first step to changing it is simply recognizing it.

What Does Over-Functioning Look Like?

To better recognize over-functioning behavior in yourself, see if these examples sound familiar:

Being overly focused on or actively solving other people’s problemsFrequently giving unsolicited adviceFeeling like people’s problems become your problemsDoing things that are someone else’s responsibilityFeeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders (if you don’t get it done, no one else will)

Feeling overly responsible is a big one. I’ve seen this in my therapy practice with parents who are afraid to let their kids fail.

For example, the parent may come in and complain about how they were up until 2 AM finishing a report their kid didn’t do.

This is over-functioning because the report is not the parent’s responsibility.

They’re also teaching their child that it’s okay not to do what they’re supposed to do because someone else will do it for them. They learn they don’t have to suffer consequences for their actions (or inaction, in this case).

What are the results of over-functioning behavior?

You may feel exhausted, resentful, or underappreciated from doing too much.

You may also feel anxious thinking about not over-functioning for loved ones.

Part of this is because we often think no one else will do it as well as we will, or that if we don’t do it, no one else will or they won’t do it in time.

These things may be true, but it doesn’t mean we have to be responsible for everything. Over-functioning isn’t good for us or our relationships.

Are You Over-Functioning? Questions to Ask Yourself

Where are you volunteering or doing more than you need to?

Where are you the point person for all the things in your life?

Where are you doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves?

Getting into recovery from being an HFC required looking at the truth: I taught people how to treat me. For years, I had served myself up on a silver platter for others to take advantage of.

It was a bitter pill to swallow.

In my twenties, I could take a perfectly functional boyfriend and turn him into an under-functioner in two weeks or less. I only felt comfortable when I felt in control.

I didn’t see it as control at the time, though. I thought I was being helpful and adding value.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be helpful or add value, but this behavior is often compulsive, unconscious, and reactive when you’re an HFC. We’re not choosing it, per se; we’re just automatically doing it.

Inside the guide, you’ll find more questions to dive deeper into where you’re over-functioning and why.

4 Strategies to Stop Over-Functioning

The goal is to create more equity in your relationships with less resentment. Think of how much happier you’d be if you didn’t feel put upon in your relationships!

Here are a few strategies to use to step back from over-functioning.

#1: Be mindful about what you’re taking on that someone else isn’t necessarily asking you to do. Use the questions I’m giving you in the guide to get clarity about where you might be serving yourself up on a silver platter in a way that will eventually cause resentment.

#2: Increase your communication skills. Effective communication is the key to a more equitable distribution of work, emotional labor, and effort. You must be willing to share your wants, needs, and preferences and have the language to do so.

We can’t blame our people for not knowing if we don’t say anything. They can’t read our minds and they shouldn’t have to.

#3: Make a list of all the tasks, emotional and physical, that you’re responsible for. Are you doing anything others can and should be doing? Then, ask for help and delegate, even with teenagers and smaller kids. Everyone should be part of running the ship of family life.

Of course, the kids won’t have as much responsibility as the grownups, but they should have some.

If you’re an HFC, the thought of delegating may fill you with anxiety, which is why you also need to…

#4: Look at the underlying reasons why you feel compelled to over-function. The more we understand how and why we got here, the easier it is to change our behavior.

Over-functioning may have been modeled in your family of origin. That was the case for me: my father mowed the lawn, and that was it. When my sisters and I were old enough, we did it. My mother did everything else.

It took years in therapy to untangle the belief that I needed to do all the things for all the people to be a good woman, partner, and mother.

I’m happy to say I’m on the other side of that, although as HFCs, we’re never “cured”. We’re in recovery. Every once in a while, you’ll still slip back into old behaviors. That’s just the nature of being an HFC.

If you’d like even more guidance on recovering, I have just the tools you need. You can get a copy of Too Much, join my membership (which includes 4 group calls with me per month as well as access to my signature courses), and download the guide right here.

Does this over- and under-functioning dynamic feel familiar to you? Did you enjoy hearing an excerpt from the book? Let me know your thoughts in the comments or on Instagram (@terricole).

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

View more on Terri Cole's website »

Like • 0 comments • flag

Published on January 07, 2025 03:00

678 Stop Over-Functioning + Create Balance in Your Relationships

Listen & Subscribe on iTunes/Apple Podcasts
Listen & Subscribe on Spotify
Listen & Subscribe Stitcher.
Listen & Subscribe Google.
Listen & Subscribe PlayerFM.

“Another indication of over-functioning behavior is feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.” – Terri Cole