5 Traits of High-Functioning Codependency (Is This You?)

Does it feel like if you don’t fix problems or move things forward, no one will?

Do you feel overly responsible, like everything will fall apart if you don’t do all the things?

Do you just find yourself saying, “It’s just faster/easier/more efficient if I do it myself”?

If you’re nodding your head, this episode is for you because I am talking about the five traits of high-functioning codependency (HFC), the cycle of codependency I often see my clients go through, and how to shift from over-doing and over-giving into more balance and less exhaustion.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Trait #1: You’re Overly Invested In Others, To Your Detriment

The defining trait of high-functioning codependency is being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, circumstances, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being.

I often get pushback when I talk about this: Well, I’m just a nice person. I’m loving. I’m kind. What’s wrong with that?

Nothing.

But if you compulsively jump into action for others, auto-fix, auto-advice give, or auto-accommodate, you’re not just being nice. You’re being an HFC.

Being nice has to be a conscious choice.

HFCs make it all look easy, while inside, they’re often exhausted, resentful, or burnt out.

No one knows they’re suffering because they’re excellent at saying, “I’m good. I got it. Don’t worry about me!”

HFCs consistently present a polished everything is fine, nothing to see here vibe.

And while they care a lot about others, they don’t love it if others are worried about them because they don’t want to feel like a burden.

Does this sound like you?

Trait #2: You Might Be a Hyper-Helper or Unhealthy Helper

Being a hyper-helper looks like taking on other people’s problems like they’re your own, or feeling like whatever is happening to your people is also happening to you.

Think about it: if your best friend called you in a crisis, how quickly would their crisis become yours?

I’m not talking about how quickly you become concerned or offer to help.

I’m talking about how quickly it literally feels like their problem is now yours to fix and like it’s happening to you.

You can tell the difference by the urgency you feel. If it’s all hands on deck, forget whatever I was doing a moment ago, my sole focus is this now, you’re being an HFC.

The difference is reacting (unconsciously) rather than responding (consciously).

Unhealthy helping looks more like doing things for others they can and should do themselves.

Are you encouraging your teenager, partner, colleague, friend, or family member to depend on you? Or are you fostering dependency or interdependency?

For example, are you paying your adult child’s rent because their finances are a mess and you don’t want them to get evicted?

When you get involved in another grown adult’s life like this, you’ve crossed over onto their side of the street because it’s not yours to manage. Yes, even if they’re your kid. (More on that here.)

This leads me to the third trait…

Trait #3: You Have Disordered Boundaries

Disordered boundaries as an HFC can mean being outwardly focused on others.

In my upcoming book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency, I share a story about a high-functioning client who was a partner at a law firm working 60 hours a week (minimum), chair of the PTA, organizer of amazing girlfriend getaways, and overly involved in the life of the family nanny.

She didn’t realize how much bandwidth she was bleeding by doing for everyone else until one day, in a dramatic turn of events, her body told her.

After a deposition went long and her assistant called out sick, she arrived home only for her nanny to share the news that her boyfriend cheated (again) and her father was ill.

In the middle of suggesting solutions to her babysitter’s problem, my client suddenly couldn’t breathe.

She went to the ER because she was sure she was dying.

After an EKG came back normal, a doctor asked her if she had ever had a panic attack before.

Immediately offended, she replied, “No way it was a panic attack. It felt like an elephant was crushing my chest.”

There was nothing wrong with her heart, but there was something wrong with the amount she was doing, giving, and feeling. It was all too much.

Even though she couldn’t see it, her body told a different story. 

This offered us an opportunity to explore the concept of high-functioning codependency.

Like many of my clients, she resisted it at first. “I’m not dependent on anyone and I’m not involved with an alcoholic.” (This is a common misconception about codependency; enabling an addict is not the only form it takes.)

After I explained these traits to her, she saw herself in them, and our work began.

For her, disordered boundaries looked like doing things other people were capable of doing for themselves. In all her tasking and doing for others, she was the boundary trampler, which is painful and difficult to admit when you’re a big-hearted HFC.

Trait #4: You Minimize, Ignore, or Deny Problems

HFCs often ignore, minimize, or deny problems to avoid conflict, especially when it involves them personally.

They might make excuses for other people’s crappy behavior or say, “I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing!”.

As a result, HFCs usually seek to fix problems quickly.

For example, let’s say your partner is running late for work, can’t get the car started, and they’re panicking about what to do.

You suggest taking an Uber to work so they can take the other vehicle. You’ve immediately fixed the problem (while wondering why they couldn’t think of a solution themselves).

The problem with doing too much for too many for too long is eventually, we feel angry, bitter, and taken advantage of.

Again, there’s a compulsiveness to this behavior, which is why I don’t talk about “curing” high-functioning codependency.

Instead, I talk about helping you get into recovery from these ingrained and habituated behaviors because we can change our behaviors.

Rather than making excuses for others and minimizing out of fear, we have to get honest about how we feel and turn our focus inward.

You’ll find more tips on how to do this inside the guide, which you can download here.

Trait #5: You Self-Sacrifice + Self-Abandon

Since HFCs are highly capable, they don’t feel like they need a lot, which makes it easy for them to worry about making sure everyone else has what they need.

But self-sacrifice and self-abandonment lead to resentment and burnout. Or, as I like to say, it’s a one-way ticket to Bitterland.

There are no other stops because endlessly not resting or considering your needs and desires is unsustainable.

The Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency

What happens when we insist on self-abandoning and self-sacrificing?

The HFC cycle I’ve observed in many of my clients goes like this: we give waaayyy too many f**ks for people’s feelings, situations, and circumstances, and then suddenly smash into a wall and burn out. Afterward, we have no more f**ks to give. (I haven’t found a better way to describe this but I have seen it over and over.)

Often, but not always, hitting the wall coincides with perimenopause and menopause because our bandwidth is already strained from navigating all those changes.

At its core, codependency is an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes. I find that most people want to recover from HFC because the existential loneliness that comes from being in this position of control is painful, exhausting, and unsustainable.

How to Shift Into Recovery From High-Functioning Codependency

Recovering from high-functioning codependency looks like moving from doing too much for others to taking care of ourselves and prioritizing what we need, want, and desire.

It’s important because no one else can do it for us.

This looks like doing what is right for us, which requires us to know our preferences and how we feel about things. We often don’t because we’re too busy worrying about what other people feel to tune into our own feelings.

If you’re anything like my clients, you may worry about how others feel because you’re trying to keep the peace.

But we can’t go through life avoiding conflict.

Conflict isn’t my favorite thing, either, but if your highest value is avoiding conflict, you will not have the life you want. It just doesn’t work.

Healthy relationships involve showing up and not over-promising, not doing more than your share, following through, and keeping your word. Not just to others, but to yourself.

If you say you’re not working on the weekends, don’t. If you say you’re taking a day off, take it. If you say you’ll start meditating, even if it’s just for two minutes in the morning for yourself, prioritize it.

A big part of Too Much talks about self-consideration because self-love and self-care get confusing. Self-consideration is what you need to shift some of these HFC behaviors.

Again, I have tips on how to do this in the guide, and if you haven’t pre-ordered Too Much yet, please do. We have so many festivities going on with the book launch including events in NYC and a virtual celebration for all! My Epic Relationships Summit is happening between October 8-10! I can’t wait for it all, and if you can make it to one of my events, I’d love to see you and squish you in person.

In the meantime, I hope this episode added value to your life. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments or Instagram (@terricole). Do any of these traits resonate with you? Which ones? How could you lighten your load and prioritize yourself?

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.