Disordered Boundaries + High-Functioning Codependency: What You Need to Know (Part 2)

Do you ever wonder when it’s appropriate to set a boundary?

Or do you wish you knew what boundaries to set?

Maybe unhealthy behavior was normalized in your family of origin, making it difficult to know when a request is “reasonable.”

If so, this episode is for you. It’s the second in a two-part series about boundaries and high-functioning codependency (HFC). In this one, we’re covering the five types of boundaries, three boundary styles, and tips for when to set a boundary and how to do it.

You can catch Part 1 here, where we covered boundary basics and talked about the unique challenges HFCs have in setting boundaries.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

5 Types of Boundaries

Boundaries fall into five categories: physical, sexual, material, emotional, and mental. Let’s take a look at each one with some examples.

Physical boundaries include your body. You likely have ideas about how close you want someone to stand or sit by you. You may prefer a handshake over a hug, or neither.

We all have our own preferences when it comes to physical boundaries, which is why there are affectionate people who will touch strangers.

You have the right to tell someone, “Hey, you’re standing too close to me. Can you please back up a little?

Sexual boundaries are how you like to be touched sexually, and also include sexting. Or, if you’re in a long-distance relationship, having sex over video.

I often find that my therapy clients meet people who want to be sexual early or flirt sexually. Like, “Was I being a bad boy?” or, “Was that naughty?” 

One of those clients had healthy boundaries and could say, “Too soon for wherever you’re going. That doesn’t work for me.” This is why it’s so important to know your sexual preferences and desires.

Material boundaries are how you like to keep your things, and whether you lend money, your car, clothes, etc.

For example, some people keep their cars pristine while others don’t. Neither is right nor wrong- it’s about how you like it.

But if you prefer to keep your car clean and your cousin wants to borrow it, you need to communicate your preference to your cousin to ensure they don’t return your car littered with fast food wrappers.

As for lending money, my typical advice is don’t. It gets complicated and can be terrible for relationships. If someone owes you $4,000 and they plan a fancy vacation, you’ll probably be pissed. It’s a setup for problems.

If you find it tough to say no when someone is financially in need, here’s an easy script: “I have a no-lending money policy. It’s how I protect my relationships. It’s not personal. It’s just my policy.”

Do you feel guilty for saying no? They’ll likely figure it out by asking someone else.

My policy is that if I can afford it, I will give it, no strings attached. I don’t want any energetic connection to the unpaid money. But if I can’t afford it, then I won’t give it.

Emotional boundaries: HFCs typically struggle the most with emotional boundaries because they’re often empaths. They absorb and feel other people’s emotions. It can be exhausting, especially if they’re also a highly sensitive person.

Because they feel other people’s pain, they might feel responsible for making people happy when they’re in pain. Feeling responsible for how others feel and what they’re experiencing can cause them to get unhealthily tangled up in other people’s lives.

As we discussed in Part 1, auto-advice giving, jumping into ‘fix,’ and auto-accommodating are all disordered boundaries that are bad for our relationships.

The second you think, “I don’t want them to feel” or “I don’t want them to think,” it’s a cue to get back on your side of the street.

How other people feel and what they think is their responsibility, not yours.

Mental boundaries are knowing what you think, who you are, what’s right and wrong, and holding onto your opinion even if you’re talking with people who disagree.

For example, if someone tells an off-color joke that you find offensive, you don’t laugh and go along to get along.

You might hold up a hand and say, “No thanks, not for me. I don’t need any of that.”

3 Boundary Styles: Rigid, Porous, and Healthy

There are three different boundary styles– see which one resonates with you.

Rigid boundaries are hard. If someone hurts your feelings, you may want to cut them off or withdraw in anger to show your displeasure (rather than telling the truth about how you feel). It’s “my way or the highway.” People with rigid boundaries also have a hard time asking for help.

Porous boundaries are too malleable and soft. It’s like having a house with no front door- everyone comes in and out as they please. Those with porous boundaries are the peacekeepers or pushovers.

Healthy boundaries are what we desire. It’s the sweet spot in the middle where you know who you are, and you know, value, and assert your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers.

Not sure which style is yours? Take my boundary quiz. In less than 10 minutes, you’ll have a clearer idea of your boundary archetype. Leave a comment and tell me your result!

When Is It Okay to Set a Boundary?

One of the most common questions I get is when is it okay to set a boundary? Are my needs actually reasonable?

Here’s my two cents: as long as you’re on your side of the street and not using boundaries to control someone, you’re good.

What’s the difference between a boundary request and an attempt to control?

Someone recently told me her boyfriend claimed his boundary was that she needs to call him every hour when she’s out with her friends.

That is not a boundary. That’s someone trying to control you because they feel insecure when you’re out with your friends.

A boundary is something you do for yourself. 

If your partner is insecure and you want to reassure them, you could counter with a boundary like, “I’m not comfortable calling every hour, but I’ll call you when I get there and text you when I’m leaving.”

How Do I Know If I Need a Boundary?

If you’re just starting with boundaries, you may not even know when or where you need them.

One way to gain clarity is to tune in with your body.

Let’s say your coworker interrupts you during a meeting. You might not say anything in the moment, but if you tune in, you may notice tightness in your throat or chest, pain in your head, constriction in your stomach, or a dry mouth.

Our bodies hold so much wisdom; it’s always there for us. The more you know yourself and care about your preferences, desires, limits, and deal breakers, the easier it is to recognize when someone has crossed your boundaries.

And the more you set and maintain boundaries, the more automatic it becomes.

But in the beginning, it might feel like you’re doing everything after the fact. That’s normal. Speaking up in the moment may feel too threatening, but it’s never too late to set a boundary.

Beyond tuning in with your body, you can also do a quick resentment inventory to narrow down where you might need boundaries. Our resentment can guide us to where we need to set better boundaries.

Download the guide for a resentment inventory. 

Tips for Setting Boundaries as a High-Functioning Codependent

Here are some quick tips on how to begin setting healthy boundaries:

Give yourself 24 hours to make a decision. It’s easier to set a boundary and say no if you haven’t already given an auto-yes. If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to or you’re unsure, buy yourself time and say, “I have a 24-hour decision-making policy. I’ll get back to you in a day.”

Instead of people-pleasing, talk true. Start to look at direct communication as your friend rather than something to be afraid of.

If you’re talking to someone and they suddenly withdraw in anger, instead of acting like it’s okay (knowing it’s not), say, “You seem upset by the comment I just made. What’s going on? Can you tell me what happened?”

Sometimes, just asking the question will help clear the air. And if you’ve been the one keeping unhealthy disordered boundaries going, you need to be the one to clean it up.

Get clear about what’s on your side of the street and what isn’t. Meaning, what’s your responsibility and what’s the other person’s? Many of you are auto-fixers or auto-advice givers, but the truth is, you can’t take responsibility for someone else’s problems and get results for them. It’s like trying to go to the gym to cure someone else’s diabetes. Focus on keeping your eyes on your own paper.

Begin in low-stakes situations. You don’t have to start setting boundaries in your most difficult relationships. Start with people at work, acquaintances, baristas, hairdressers, cashiers, etc.

I’ve also included a bunch of boundary scripts and sentence starters in the guide, because sometimes having the right words in your back pocket can make the process easier.

By the way, if you want more conversations about boundaries, HFCness, effective communication, and relationships, consider joining my membership. We meet four times a month via Zoom for Q&As where I answer your questions, and I’d love to have you.

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.