10 Red and Green Flags to Watch for in Modern Dating

Have you ever gone on a date, felt a spark, and then suddenly found yourself trying to decode mixed messages, hot-and-cold communication, or someone who just feels “off”? If so, you are definitely not alone. I have been hearing from so many of you asking me to break down the red and green flags in modern dating.

Dating might look different today with apps, DMs, and text threads, but human nature has not changed. Understanding what signals emotional health and what signals trouble can help you save time, energy, and heartbreak. Let’s get clear on both sides of the dating spectrum.

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Red Flags to Watch For Broken Promises
If someone says they will call on Friday but doesn’t, then checks in on Monday like nothing happened, that can be a red flag. Reliability and integrity are foundational in healthy relationships. When words and actions do not match, you must call out the discrepancy. A person’s follow-through tells you far more than their promises. Moving Too Fast Sexually
If someone pushes for sex early on or starts sexting before you even know their last name, that is a signal to pause. This kind of behavior can depersonalize a connection and often shows poor boundaries or self-control. I am not anti-sex, but I am pro-emotional clarity. Becoming sexual too quickly can complicate the process of truly getting to know someone. (Note: This does not apply to folks who are looking for a sexual connection and not necessarily more.) Hot-and-Cold Communication
One minute, they are texting constantly; the next, they disappear. That inconsistency is not a romantic mystery; it often reflects ambivalence or intimacy issues. When communication is unpredictable, your nervous system feels the instability. A person who runs hot and cold shows you their capacity for consistency. Pay attention. Disrespect Toward Others
Notice how they treat people in service roles such as a waiter, cab driver, or cashier. If their tone is dismissive, condescending, or rude, that reveals much about their character. Someone who lacks basic respect for others will eventually show you the same lack of respect. Blaming Others
If every story they tell ends with someone else being the problem, such as their boss, parents, or all their “crazy exes,” that is a major red flag. It is okay to talk about the past, but not if the theme is always victimhood. When someone takes no responsibility for their own behavior, it tells you what conflict will look like later. Poor Listening Skills
Do they actually listen when you talk, or are they waiting for their turn to speak? A poor listener will interrupt, change the subject, or make the conversation primarily about themselves. You might notice that they ask questions but never really absorb your answers. On a first date, nerves can make someone chatty, but if it continues, it points to self-centeredness rather than anxiety. Secretive Behavior
Healthy privacy is fine, but secrecy is different. If you have been dating for a while and still have not met their friends or seen where they live, pay attention. Years ago, I dated someone whose apartment I had never seen the entire time we were together. Eventually, a client told me they saw him at a party with someone else, and yes, it turned out he was hiding multiple relationships. Being closed off is one thing. Being deceptive is another. Oversharing Too Soon
On the flip side, someone who tells you their entire trauma history on date one might seem emotionally open, but it often signals boundary issues. Actual vulnerability unfolds gradually and safely over time. Dumping intimate details immediately may be a bid for closeness that skips over emotional pacing.Green Flags That Signal Emotional Health

Now that we have covered what to look out for, let’s shift toward what to look forward to. Green flags help you recognize emotionally available, respectful, and mature partners. These are the traits that build healthy, sustainable love.

Reliability
When someone says they will call, they call. When they say they will meet you at seven, they do. Words and actions align naturally. Reliability builds trust, and trust creates connection. This kind of consistency is what builds healthy love. Clear, Consistent Communication
No disappearing acts. No decoding required. A person who communicates clearly will text you back in a reasonable time frame, tell you what they mean, and follow through on plans. Direct communication creates a connection you can relax into because hypervigilance is unnecessary. Genuine Curiosity
A green flag partner wants to know who you are, not just what you look like on paper. They ask follow-up questions, remember small details, and listen for understanding, not for their turn to respond. Curiosity shows emotional maturity and genuine interest. Respect Toward Everyone
Pay attention to how they treat others, not just you. My husband, for example, always thanks the toll booth operator and treats everyone with the same level of kindness. Those consistent actions reveal his character. Being respectful is a way of moving through the world. Personal Accountability
People with emotional intelligence can say, “I was wrong,” or “I could have handled that differently.” They take ownership of their actions without spiraling into shame or blame. Accountability is a sign of self-awareness and emotional safety. Respect for Boundaries
When you say you prefer phone calls over texting or are not ready for intimacy, they honor your words without trying to change your mind. They understand that boundaries are not necessarily rejection; they provide essential information. Healthy people respect limits and set their own. Healthy Sharing
They open up gradually, showing appropriate vulnerability over time. They neither dump their life story on the first date nor stay closed entirely off. This slow-building trust is how real intimacy develops. Celebrates Your Success
When something good happens to you, they are genuinely happy. They do not compete or make your achievements about them. Before I met my husband, I dated people who felt threatened by my ambition. Now, I am married to someone who cheers the loudest when it is my turn to shine, and I do the same for him. That mutual celebration creates balance and safety. Independent Life
They have their own friends, interests, and passions. They are not looking for you to complete them, but to complement their already full life. Independence is a sign of emotional health and maturity. Handles Conflict Respectfully
When disagreements arise, they do not shut down or explode. They stay curious, listen, and can apologize. Healthy couples can disagree without tearing each other down. Conflict handled with respect strengthens the connection instead of weakening it.How to Use This Awareness

Knowing the red and green flags is helpful, but the real power comes from how you feel after you spend time with someone. Check in with yourself after each date. I call this your “Green Flag Radar.”

Ask yourself:

Do I feel energized or drained after being with them?Do I feel like I can be my authentic self, or do I feel like I am performing?Am I proud to introduce this person to people I love, or am I hesitant to share the relationship?Does this relationship make my life easier, richer, or more complicated and confusing?

Your body and nervous system often tell you the truth before your brain catches up. If you feel calm, grounded, and seen, that is a green flag. If you feel tense, uncertain, or like you are walking on eggshells, pay attention.

Remember, you deserve someone whose actions match their words, whose kindness extends to everyone around them, and who celebrates who you truly are. Healthy love is not chaotic; it is steady, respectful, and nourishing.

I created a free guide for you to help you spot red and green flags and check in with your intuition after each date. Download it, use it, and let it support you as you build the kind of love you deserve.

As always, take care of you.

FAQ Section What are the biggest red flags to look for when dating?
Common red flags include inconsistent communication, secretive behavior, disrespect toward others, and blaming everyone else for their problems. These behaviors often signal emotional immaturity or unavailability. What are examples of green flags in a relationship?
Green flags include reliability, respect for boundaries, emotional curiosity, accountability, and kindness toward others. These traits indicate emotional health and the capacity for secure connection. Why do I keep missing red flags in dating?
Many people ignore red flags because they are focused on potential or chemistry instead of consistency. Emotional awareness and slowing down the dating process can help you see behavior clearly. How can I tell if my relationship is healthy or toxic?
Check in with how you feel after spending time together. If you feel calm, grounded, and seen, that is a good sign. If you feel anxious, drained, or confused, you may be overlooking red flags that deserve attention.