Clone of Overcome Your Boundary-Setting Fears to Become a Boundary Boss (Tips Inside)

Let’s start with a question: Were you taught that being good at relationships meant being trusting?

Like, trust-first-and-ask-questions-later kinda trusting?

Many of us were rewarded, especially as kids, for being agreeable. For being accommodating. For making it easy for others to be around us. But here’s what most of us weren’t taught: how to trust ourselves.

If you’re nodding your head yes, then keep reading, because that’s exactly what this episode of The Terri Cole Show is about.

Trust is not blind loyalty. Trust, when it’s real, is earned clarity. It’s transparency. It’s discernment. And when we don’t have it, when we’ve absorbed distorted messages about what trust is supposed to look like, it can lead us to abandon ourselves in subtle but damaging ways.

So let’s slow it down together and get curious about what you learned about trust and how to unlearn what no longer serves you.

https://https://youtu.be/qwVOK6dn5iw

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Your Trust Blueprint?

Think back. We all have a blueprint for trust, just like we do for love or boundaries, or money. It’s usually formed in childhood, absorbed through observation and experience, whether or not it was ever directly talked about.

So, what did you learn in your family of origin?

In the downloadable guide that goes with this episode, I’ve included a few questions to help you map this out. But here’s a start:

Did the adults in your life keep their word?Could you count on them to do what they said they were going to do?Did they protect your privacy, or were your secrets passed around the dinner table?Were you expected to trust others automatically, no matter what?

In some families, trust is modeled through consistency and care. In others, it’s demanded, no matter how people behave. And that distinction matters.

Want to explore how your trust patterns began? Check out How to Trust Again With Discernment.

In a lot of families, especially enmeshed ones, there’s no real privacy. Everyone knows everyone’s business. It can feel like your loyalty to the group is more important than your personal truth. Maybe you grew up being expected to keep secrets, or to cover for other people, or to look the other way when something felt off.

In my own family, I had three older sisters and yes, of course, we fought. Four girls within six years, that’s inevitable. But we also had a kind of unspoken, sacred sisterly code. If someone needed cover, we didn’t ask questions. If you told me to say you weren’t home when someone called, I would say you weren’t home. Loyalty was a given.

Even now, my sister Kathy lives nearby and if something happens, she’s there. No questions asked. When life hits hard—sickness, loss, heartbreak—my family rallies. And I love that. It’s motivated by love, by devotion. But even in a system that was mostly healthy, there was an element of assumed trust. A kind of unexamined loyalty that didn’t always leave room for questioning.

So it’s important to ask yourself: What did you learn about trust as a kid that you’re still carrying now?

And more importantly, does it still serve you?

How Self-Trust Gets Eroded—And Why It Matters

Let me tell you a quick story.

When I was 21, I moved to New York City from a tiny, safe town in New Jersey. We didn’t lock our doors growing up. We left the keys in the car. That was my reality.

So there I was in the city, sharing a studio apartment (I slept in the closet!) with my old beater of a car parked on the street, unlocked, of course, with bags of new clothes I got from a sample sale inside because I didn’t know any better. And the next morning? All the clothes were gone. The car had been robbed.

I remember feeling crushed. Like, who would do that?
And the answer, of course, is: a lot of people.
But I had no context. No lived experience. I was naïve.
I also had to confront something important. Not everyone is as trustworthy as I am.

And that’s where we run into what is called positive projection. Just because you wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean someone else won’t. And when you’re a naturally trusting person, when you are trustworthy, it’s easy to project that onto others and assume they’re the same.

But they’re not always.

Trust is not something you give away. It’s something someone earns.

For some of us, our blueprint taught us to trust until proven otherwise. But I’ve found, both personally and in 28 years in my therapy practice, that this is a myth. It’s too simplistic.

Trust isn’t about being naive. And it’s not about being paranoid. It’s about being discerning.

I want to talk about this especially for the folks raised as women, because we’ve been sold a cultural script that says asking questions makes you rude. That advocating for yourself makes you high-maintenance. That if you’re too cautious or too slow to open up, you’re somehow damaged or hard to love.

I’ve had clients afraid to get a second opinion on a medical diagnosis because they didn’t want to offend their doctor. That’s not good girl energy. That’s a potentially life-threatening level of self-abandonment.

What’s the Cost of Being Too Trusting?

When we confuse trust with compliance, we prioritize being seen as easygoing over being truly safe.

When you trust too fast, too soon, without discernment, it can lead to:

Over-functioning in relationships

Staying in toxic dynamics too long

Betraying your own gut instincts

Silencing your voice so others feel more comfortable

And yes, it can even mean walking on eggshells.

Because here’s the truth. In a healthy relationship, you don’t regularly feel afraid. You don’t fear their disapproval. You’re not being tracked. You’re not constantly trying to decode what they meant. You don’t feel like asking a basic question will cost you their affection.

And if you are afraid? It’s time to ask why.

You Get to Raise Your Standards

Boundaries can feel challenging to set because one of the most common fears (and myths) is that setting boundaries is selfish. We don’t want others to think we’re not generous.

This fear is even more pronounced when you’re a woman, because chances are, you learned that being perceived as nice and being nice was extremely important. 

Abandoning your needs is not a noble pursuit. And it is unnecessary. 

Self-abandonment also tends to lead to burnout, resentment, and disconnection from others- all things we want to avoid.

The truth is, we teach others how to treat us by what we allow, stop, and reinforce. 

We endlessly tell others how to treat us by what we do or don’t do. We may try to assert a boundary or complain about something, but changes won’t happen or stick if we don’t reinforce them. 

It’s not kind to always be available, never say no, constantly pick up the slack for others, and pretend to be fine.

When you ignore your needs, you give permission for others to do the same. 

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you’ll ever have because it sets the bar for every other relationship in your life. 

Your boundaries are a radical act of self-respect and self-consideration. And if you don’t define them, someone else will. 

When you don’t assert your boundaries, you’re like a tiny boat caught up in a tsunami of other people’s boundaries, desires, thoughts, needs, and limits. They’re dictating the weather.

Getting healthier and learning to set and communicate our boundaries changes this scenario. We become the weather, and our life is the boat. We’re dictating and determining the direction of our lives.

Don’t Focus on This Question

If you ever wonder, “Why would someone ask this of me?” or “Why would they do that to me?”, you’re asking the wrong question. 

The right question is, “Now that they’ve done this, what will I do? What is my limit? Where’s my boundary?”

Again, when we don’t define our boundaries, someone else will, and they are usually doing so with their own best interest in mind.  

What Setting Healthy Boundaries Looks + Sounds Like

We have finite bandwidth, and boundaries can give us the clarity and self-trust to begin living more authentically. 

Setting personal boundaries can sound like, “No, I’m not available,” without over-explaining. 

It sounds like saying, “No, that doesn’t work for me,” when you want to rest and someone else wants just one more thing. 

It looks like letting people sit with their feelings without rescuing them: no auto-advice giving, jumping in, or putting on a cape. 

It looks like ending conversations that feel manipulative or draining, asking for what you need, and expecting it to matter to the most important people in your life. 

Your VIPs don’t necessarily have to understand why you’re upset about something, but they need to care about how you feel. 

Having healthy boundaries also means no longer always saying yes to others and no to ourselves or what we want.

A more authentic version of you is waiting on the other side of the limits you set with others, or the no you don’t give, but want to.

To get started, grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each.

Addressing Common Fears When Setting Boundaries

One of the top questions I get asked is, “What if someone gets mad when I try to set a boundary?”

They might! Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having boundaries. 

Focus on this: when you begin honoring your limits, the people who love you will adjust and respect you more. 

There may be growing pains, but because how you feel and what you want matters to them, they will make your boundaries matter because you matter. 

Those using you for your lack of boundaries won’t love this change, but nobody will die over it. Their discomfort with the situation isn’t yours to carry. 

It might feel terrifying to set boundaries if you’ve spent years people-pleasing, overgiving, or managing other people’s emotions.

If so, I see you, and I feel you.

But boundaries do not create distance. They create clarity. 

Knowing your preferences, limits, and deal-breakers allows you to fully show up as yourself, rather than out of obligation or guilt. 

The most tragic part of people pleasing and appeasing your life away is that people don’t know the real you.

Sharing your boundaries is sharing your true self with your people, and you are worth knowing.

Are you ready to build boundaries that stick? Join me in Boundary Bootcamp, my signature course that dives deep into identifying hidden guilt triggers, speaking boundaries clearly and calmly, navigating pushback without folding or getting too heated, building internal boundaries to stop self-abandonment, and so much more. We start soon, and I’d love to have you.

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to grab the Boundary Script Kit: 5 Types of Boundaries and What to Say for Each, which contains the words you need to begin setting boundaries. 

Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.