Are You an (Unintentional) Boundary Bully?

Do you rush to fix other people’s problems even before they ask you to?

Do you pride yourself on being the go-to person people turn to for help?

Are you the “I’m fine, I got it” person when it comes to your own problems?

Maybe you anticipate other people’s needs, overdeliver, rarely ask for help, and also feel exhausted, resentful, and underappreciated, while wondering why your relationships feel unsatisfying. 

If this resonates, or you identify as a high-functioning codependent (HFC), today’s episode is for you. I’m talking about when “helping” is hurtful, how HFCs tend to cross boundaries (even with good intentions), the hidden cost of emotional fixing, and how to respect the sovereignty of others. 

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

The Truth About High-Functioning Codependency

Talking about help being hurtful is complicated because we’re not trying to hurt when we help, but sometimes, auto-fixing and auto-helping are harmful. 

We usually associate messy and dramatic ‘neediness’ with codependency, but this isn’t the case with HFCs, who are highly capable. 

Beneath the calm exterior of an HFC is an invisible compulsion to manage other people’s emotions; to fix instead of feel.

As an HFC, you might be an empath, and other people’s pain may feel too overwhelming to sit with. You might fix and offer solutions to avoid those uncomfortable feelings.

HFCs also tend to believe they need to earn love through usefulness. They feel compelled to earn their place. Their value feels directly connected to what they do. 

It’s important to state that none of these behaviors make you a bad person. It’s not malicious. 

When I was an active HFC in my 20s, my heart was in the right place. I never intended to trample people’s boundaries or control people. I was doing those things, but unconsciously.

These are learned behaviors. We’re just trying to survive the emotions we don’t know how to manage. And often, especially with over-functioning and over-giving, being the savior or hyper-helper becomes our identity. 

The Cost of Hyper-Independence

Generally speaking, HFCs fear becoming a burden to others, relying on people, or being too needy. Their hyper-independence often pushes people away.

Not allowing others to give to us is exhausting and unhealthy for our relationships. 

I had this revelation 27 years ago, shortly after meeting my husband, Vic. 

Three weeks into dating, I injured my ankle, and we were both due to travel separately. Since I couldn’t walk, I had to rely on him for help.

Vic spent hours driving from store to store trying to find the perfect ankle wrap so I could walk on it during my trip, calling me with updates along the way.

I remember hanging up the phone and realizing I could count on him, that it was okay he was going out of his way for me, and that he thought I was worth going out of his way for. What would it be like if I just received that?

I began crying because I felt such deep relief. I wondered whether I could let myself believe that Vic was highly capable and emotionally trustworthy, and that it was okay to let him do things for me. 

It wasn’t easy! Trusting him in this capacity felt so threatening to me as an over-functioner because my way of feeling safe was overdoing and being the hyper-caretaker for him.

Thankfully, the universe put me in this position because I’m not sure I would have given up my HFC ways otherwise. 

How High-Functioning Codependents Cross Boundaries

How can HFCs be boundary bullies without meaning to be?

When you live in fixer mode, it can be challenging to slow down and realize that giving auto-advice someone hasn’t asked for is crossing a boundary. 

When we do something for someone they haven’t asked us to do, that we don’t even know if they want us to do, we’re also crossing boundaries. 

It’s hard to reckon with, but auto-fixing and auto-advice giving prevent others from building their own emotional strength and resiliency. Their problem-solving skills don’t improve when we automatically solve problems for them. 

Trying to stop someone from crying or jumping in isn’t always about kindness. It could be a way to soothe your own anxiety.

When I was an active HFC, my behavior wasn’t solely driven by wanting to be Mother Teresa. It was driven by how uncomfortable I felt with someone’s pain, suffering, or lack of knowing what to do. 

Problem-solving without consent is a subtle form of control. Giving and giving until you’re depleted isn’t necessarily noble. It sets us up to be martyrs, which leads to resentment, which we don’t want. 

How to Respect Other People’s Boundaries

What does respecting other people’s boundaries and their right to be sovereign look like? 

It looks like doing less and being more, asking before acting, and letting people feel hard things without rushing in to remove the discomfort. 

It can sound like: 

“Would it help to talk through solutions, or do you just want someone to sit with you?” “I want to support you. How would you like me to show up right now? What would be helpful?”“What you’re going through seems hard. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. I won’t try to fix it. I’m just here to be with you.”

Getting into recovery from being an HFC means giving others emotional respect and allowing them the dignity of their own process. It means giving them the gift of space, even when every cell in our body wants to “help.”

We might want to jump in, but we don’t need to. Download the guide for additional steps on how to respect other people’s boundaries. 

How to Move Into Healthier Relating

The real work for us as HFCs is just being with ourselves. 

Give yourself space to get radically curious about your own emotions and feelings, without numbing through productivity, drinking, Netflix, or drugs. 

Rest without feeling guilty.

Ask for support, even when it feels weird or like you might be asking for “too much.” You’d be shocked at how much people want to support you when given the chance. 

You also need to let go of the belief that your worth is tied to how needed you are by others. 

Being needed and being loved are two different things. 

The people in our lives don’t necessarily think we should be adding value at all times. That might not even be what they’re looking for from you. 

When you can respect your own boundaries, you’ll begin to notice and respect other people’s boundaries more naturally. 

When you’re not relating from this place of over-functioning, but instead from a place of presence, you can realize your presence is the present. 

You don’t have to save people to be loved. 

At the end of the day, what do we all want? Connection. 

But real connection doesn’t come from saving or fixing. It comes from standing beside someone in their mess and saying, “I see you. I trust you to feel this, but I’m here for support.”

The subtext of saving, on the other hand, is, “I don’t think you can handle this.” Isn’t it presumptuous to assume that other people can’t handle their own lives?

So just pause, take a deep breath, and ask before you act. 

As corny as it sounds, feeling is healing. There’s no healing for you or anyone else when we avoid our feelings, and there’s no way around the middle of this process.

And if you want to jumpstart your journey into recovery and healthier boundaries, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp, where HFCs come to unlearn guilt, over-giving, and emotional micromanaging, and reclaim their peace. 

You’ll learn to set boundaries that stick without the shame spiral, to say no without explaining your entire life story, and to reconnect with the version of you who doesn’t need to over-function to feel worthy.

If you’re ready to trade resentment for relief, join me inside the course! If not now, then when? If not you, then who? You’re the only one who can make these changes, and I’d love to walk you through it. 

I hope this episode added value to your life. Don’t forget to download the guide for more ideas on how to shift into recovery. Have the most amazing week, and as always, take care of you.