Burnt Out Empath? How to Protect Your Energy With Boundaries

Do you notice micro changes in people’s facial expressions and think, I wonder if it was something I said? 

Can you sit with someone in pain without trying to fix them?

Are you so emotionally attuned to everything and everyone that you feel exhausted?

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you just lack the skills (boundaries!) needed to embrace your superpower (being an empath).You can care, love, and feel deeply without losing yourself in someone’s pain, which is what I’m talking about in this episode. I hope it helps you hit pause on taking on people’s emotions and gives you the tools you need to manage your energy.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Being an Empath Feels Like

As a child, I remember noticing micro changes in the facial expressions of the adults around me. 

I specifically remember seeing darkness come over someone’s eyes and wondering, Okay, what do I need to do to shift them back to being happy?

This is the plight of the empath. 

Empathy alone shouldn’t lead to emotional burnout, resentment, or self-abandonment, but it often does because we tend to neglect ourselves when we’re being empathic and concerned about what’s happening to others.

Empathy is a gift, but without boundaries and discernment, it can become a heavy burden. 

Emotional Boundaries + Why They’re Important

Emotional boundaries are the invisible lines between what we feel, what we’re responsible for, and what we’re allowed to protect within ourselves. 

For some empaths and people pleasers (the two tend to go hand-in-hand), the real damage isn’t necessarily from saying yes to helping someone move, but from carrying their emotional state on your back for days afterward.

Another way to look at emotional boundaries is knowing who drains you and who replenishes you. 

When you’re a boundaryless empath, almost everyone drains you because you aren’t protecting yourself (and your bandwidth) with appropriate boundaries. 

The Childhood Experiences of People Pleasers and Empaths

Why are many empaths also people pleasers?

Well, as kids, we may have learned that we could stay safe by managing other people’s moods. 

One of my friends, Vienna Pharaon, talks about this in her book, The Origins of You. Her parents couldn’t fulfil her needs, so as a child, she learned not to have needs and went on to become a woman without needs. 

Of course, we all have needs, but when you learn early on that staying out of the way, doing things without being asked, or being of service gets you positive or less negative feedback, people pleasing becomes a survival strategy. 

We might think, if I keep everyone happy, I won’t get hurt. I won’t get in trouble if I’m part of the solution.

Additionally, as women raised in a patriarchal system, being dialed into people’s feelings and facial expressions may help us stay safe because we’re endlessly vulnerable to being violated, assaulted, followed, and carjacked.  

The Impact of Having No Boundaries as an Empath

When empathy has no boundaries, we can become emotionally entangled with people, which isn’t the same as having emotional connections.

Without boundaries, you also absorb energy that isn’t yours and act from other people’s pain rather than your intuition.

As an empath without boundaries, you may feel confused because it’s hard to tell whose feelings are whose. This lack of clarity can lead to feeling hyper-responsible for everyone’s emotional states. 

If you weren’t allowed to have boundaries in childhood or no one modeled them for you, feeling hyper-responsible may be an automatic reaction.

That’s why learning about boundaries as an empath is one of the most empowering and life-changing things you can do, and it’s never too late to learn!

How Do You Know If Your Boundaries Are Disordered?

I have a feeling that if you’re reading this, you know your boundaries are disordered, but see if you answer ‘yes’ to these questions: 

Do you feel guilty saying no, even when depleted?Do you feel relieved when people are happy with you and anxious when they’re not?Do you over-apologize or immediately try to “make things better” when something goes wrong?Do you forget what you want because you’re so focused on managing how other people feel?

Anyone who identifies as an empath probably said yes to many of these. 

When I was at the height of my people-pleasing in my 20s, I felt so guilty about saying no that I rarely did. How I felt didn’t matter. 

If you can relate, you’re probably aware that people have come to expect a ‘yes’ from you. However, you have the right to change your mind and course-correct. 

Reclaiming Your Emotional Sovereignty

So, how can we stop losing ourselves in people’s pain?

We need to move from absorbing people’s feelings to becoming more of a witness. 

Instead of being a sponge, imagine being a mirror for people’s experiences. What would it look like not to take things on for other people?

Affirmations like “This is not mine to carry,” “I can care deeply and still say no,” or “Just because I feel it doesn’t mean I’m obligated or required to fix it,” can help you stay on your side of the street. 

You can also use visualizations. Picture yourself putting down the things you don’t want to carry. I’ll provide you with more questions in the guide to help you gain clarity on your emotional boundaries and explore additional ways to protect them. 

Energetic boundaries are also important here.

In the guide, you’ll find a resource from one of my best friends (and energy expert), Lara Riggio. It’s an easy “zipping up” energy exercise I use daily to feel more protected.

Finally, start thinking about how you can fill your cup, even in small ways. Don’t end up like a client I had who would hit empty and take spontaneous overnight trips to the Bahamas to restore. Although this sounds fun, for most people, it is not a sustainable approach. There are more productive ways to replenish your energy.

If you’re ready to stop drowning in other people’s emotions and start standing in your truth, join me in Boundary Boss Bootcamp! It’s my signature course and one of my favorites to teach. We delve into all the skills that empaths and people pleasers need to protect their energy and space, and create healthy connections without burnout. Go here for all the details and to enroll. 

I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let me know if you had any insights in the comments or on Instagram, and don’t forget to download the guide!