Is Flaking the New Self-Care…or Selfish? A Therapist’s Take

Is flaking – canceling at the last second – the new self-care?

It seems to be on the rise and according to an article in The Guardian, the answer for some people is yes.

I disagree.

Flaking is avoidable with healthy boundaries and self-knowledge, and there are many self-care practices we can do that don’t involve regularly canceling on others.

In this episode, I share my thoughts on flaking, explore the nuances of having the right to change our minds (which I stand by), and detail steps to take for actual self-care in your life.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

Why Is Flaking On the Rise?

The Guardian article highlights the prevalence of flaking at the last minute not only on everyday plans but on major things like weddings and funerals.

This isn’t just, “I don’t feel like going to brunch.” It’s bigger. Folks say they’re burnt out and exhausted and need to flake for their mental health.

From a psychosocial standpoint, what is happening?

While we don’t have scientific data on this, I don’t think we can discount the impact endlessly being on our phones and social media has on us.

I recently spoke to a friend who had invited a group of pals to hang out at her place for a weekend. From the moment they woke up and gathered over coffee to the moment they went to bed, they all scrolled on their phones.

Sure, they were talking, but what happens to our relationships when we don’t give people our full attention?

Disconnection.

It’s also what I call living life ‘lite’ because if you spend half your time scrolling on your phone, you’re not fully present.

‘Flaking as self-care’ and the normalization of constantly having a screen in your face aren’t healthy, and both drastically decrease the quality of your relationships.

The other reason flaking may be on the rise is because there aren’t any real consequences to it.

Years ago, before phones and the internet, you usually dated someone you knew. Ghosting wasn’t really a thing because you’d likely either run into them again at church or the supermarket or face some questions from mutual connections.

Dating locally meant having social pressure to behave a certain way and consequences for behaving poorly.

This kind of pressure isn’t always good, but it helped us consider other people and not just ourselves back then.

The Nuances of ‘You Have the Right to Change Your Mind’

One of my Boundary Boss Bill of Rights is that you have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, and to change your mind.

You may wonder, “But Terri, if flaking is bad, doesn’t that mean I should do things out of obligation and not change my mind?”

No. I still believe you have the right to change your mind and say no to things you don’t want to do.

But you need to be thoughtful and considerate when doing so and stop giving your word to things you don’t want to do.

It’s reasonable to expect people to keep their word, and you also have the option to say no rather than saying yes and regretting it later.

The truth is we build relationships by showing up for people, not by flaking on them.

Having relationships with anyone requires compromise and putting in the effort. Sometimes, that means doing things you don’t necessarily want to do because you love the person.

A daughter of one of my closest friends invited me to her baby shower 3 ½ hours away (7 hours round-trip). Even though my week was packed, and even though it only lasted 1 ½ hours, I made the effort to be there.

I did what I wanted, which is what I said I would do because I love my friend and her daughter and I can’t wait to be a great auntie to this baby girl.

I’m willing to be inconvenienced for love, connection, devotion, loyalty, and friendship. The baby shower was important to my friend and so it was important to me.

To have truly healthy relationships, we need to compromise. I’m not talking about putting up with abuse or doing things that go against our values. I just mean making an effort.

Real, lasting friendships don’t just happen. They happen with intention and attention.

Trust me, I’ve had the same friends my entire life. Flaking on people is not how you create healthy relationships.

The Cost of Flaking

Equating flaking and self-care downplays how damaging flaking can be to our relationships. They’re not even in the same category!

The truth is that regularly not following through on our commitments makes us emotionally untrustworthy because we can’t be counted on to follow through.

I love many people who say they’ll do everything and show up maybe 50% of the time…I love them, but I don’t trust them. I wouldn’t rely on them in an emergency.

The folks who are in my VIP section are the ones who will show up for me no matter what because I do the same for them.

So, what is self-care, and how can you avoid flaking because you feel exhausted or burnt out? Let’s look at a few options.

Flaking is Avoidable! Here’s What To Do Instead

In the article, many people said they thought something sounded like a good idea at the time but didn’t feel like doing it on the day.

We all feel this way sometimes. I often want to stay in, watch Netflix, and cuddle with my dog and Vic.

But I also value being someone who keeps their word. If I said I was coming to your event, I’m coming because I said I would.

If you share this value, here are a few ways to avoid flaking.

First, stop automatically saying yes to everything. Give yourself time to respond. Say, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll get back to you!”

I have scripts inside the guide that you can use to give a tentative answer rather than a yes, which is much easier to walk back!

You also need to know yourself and your rhythms. I don’t make appointments on certain days and times when I know I’ll want more freedom in my schedule.

Do you like to be in bed early? Don’t commit to anything past 9 pm. Want weekends to yourself? Suggest meeting on Thursdays instead.

Before making plans, look at your calendar and consider what’s happening (or likely to happen) on and around that day.

Do you flake because you’re exhausted? Determine what drains and energizes you and set boundaries to protect and reclaim your time and energy.

You can also lovingly say no to things. When I want to rest and be home with Vic, I tell my friends (if I haven’t already committed to something) and expect them to understand.

The guide includes scripts for lovingly declining invitations and tips for avoiding flaking.

I’ll leave you with this thought: trusting relationships require integrity and honesty. Only you can be responsible for the amount of integrity you bring into your life and the world.

Integrity means telling the truth about how we feel and what we need, planning appropriately, taking responsibility for our commitments, and following through.

I’m curious to know your thoughts on flaking. Have you flaked on people before or been flaked on? How did it feel? Will you use any of these suggestions to stop flaking? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Want to be in a community with people who show up for each other? Then consider joining my membership! Inside, I host four Q&A calls each month where I answer questions from members, and you also get access to four of my signature courses. Get all the details and join us here.