Navigating Codependent Relationships When You’re in Recovery + They’re Not

Are you in a relationship with a high-functioning codependent (HFC)?

Are both you and your partner HFCs?

In my experience, HFCs tend to flock together. Many of my friends identify as HFCs, and my husband is also an HFC.

Some of you have asked how to navigate relationships with fellow HFCs, especially as you get into recovery and become more aware of (and perhaps annoyed by) their behavior.

If you can relate, this episode is for you because I’m talking about the dynamics of high-functioning codependency in relationships, how I’ve managed this in my marriage, and steps you can take to stay on your side of the street while shifting this dynamic into a healthier space.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What is High-Functioning Codependency?

In case you need a quick refresher, high-functioning codependency is when you’re overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, situations, circumstances, relationships, careers, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace.

HFCs often attract or inspire others to under-function, which can lead to doing things for others that they can and should do for themselves. There’s an imbalance in effort, activity, and thinking about the relationship.

The reason I wanted to do this episode is because a fan of the podcast wrote in saying she’s in recovery and her husband is still an active HFC with his family of origin. She wants to know how to navigate this dynamic because she’s getting the short end of the stick!

When Two High-Functioning Codependents Get Together

Vic and I are both HFCs, and it worked for us initially because we both took turns dividing and conquering in different areas. We were naturally compatible.

However, in the beginning, there was a lot of unasked-for advice coming both ways. This came to a head when a rep embezzled a bunch of money from him.

I was pissed and wanted to involve lawyers to get all the money back. I was so busy plotting and scheming that I didn’t even ask Vic what he thought he should do. (I was way more hot-headed back then!)

Thankfully, I had a therapist who said, “Maybe you need to see what he thinks he should do about this.”

So I asked Vic, “Babe, how can I best support you in this situation?”

He said, “Have faith that I’ll get it done and get it done my way.”

As soon as I put it down (because it wasn’t mine to handle!), he indeed got all of the money back, without lawyers, and maintained a relationship with the person. (Her accountant had died and she had a drinking problem- neither of us wanted her to go to jail.)

Stepping back from trying to control the situation and respecting his right to do it his way was way better for my marriage.

We also did couples therapy to move away from auto-advice giving and into asking, “What do you think you should do?” “Do you need to vent?” “Are we brainstorming?” “How can I best support you?”

Making this switch was a game-changer for all of my relationships, and you’ll find these questions (and more) inside the guide.

High-Functioning Codependent Friends & Family

Many of my closest girlfriends are highly capable women, and the ones who aren’t in recovery from HFC sometimes offer unasked-for advice.

If you have friends like this, I suggest you get proactive and say, “Hey, I’m in a lot of pain and want to talk to you about it, but I’m not looking for input. I don’t need any fixes. I need you to be my pal and simply listen with a compassionate ear.”

In my opinion, the greatest flex when it comes to actual love is not fixing other people’s problems.

It’s having the emotional courage and fortitude to be in the foxhole with someone during their dark night of the soul and compassionately holding space for the pain they’re in without making suggestions.

I’m not saying you can never share your thoughts with a friend, especially if you have lived experience that might be helpful. I just don’t want it to be the first thing you do.

Trying to fix people is dehumanizing. People do not want to be treated like projects.

Do you have family members who offer unsolicited thoughts or advice?

Sometimes, my mom still can’t wait to tell me what she thinks I should do about certain things.

Back when I got healthy and in recovery from HFC, I had to say, “Mom, if you keep giving me advice I’m not asking for, that I’m not going to take, I will stop talking to you about things that are on my heart.”

She was not psyched with that, but guess what? She got better and better. However, I had to tell her she didn’t know what I should do more than I did, and that suggestions weren’t what I needed. It was what she needed because she was uncomfortable with my pain.

I had to ask her to build up her tolerance and to be uncomfortable with my pain because I needed to be witnessed in it.

How to Stay on Your Side of the Street

Once you get into recovery from HFC and begin experiencing more freedom, you might get the urge to encourage others to get into recovery, too.

But they’re not always quick to follow, and we have to be mindful of slipping into old habits and giving unsolicited advice on this. Everyone has a right to their journey.

Here are a few suggestions on how to shift into healthier relating while staying on your side of the street.

The first thing we can do is set better boundaries. Scripts for what to say are in the guide, but you can say things like, “I’m not seeking input,” or, “I’m looking for a compassionate ear.”

With friends, you can lead by example and share your insights and experiences with them. You could mention that you read Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency and how it’s worked wonders for you.

For romantic relationships, a weekly or biweekly State of the Union offers space to shine a light on codependent behaviors you’re both trying to work on. You could share gratitudes of where you’re doing less, and discuss areas that need work.

These recurring dates also normalize having hard conversations and make bringing issues up earlier much easier.

Spend time reflecting on your 50% of the dynamic in your relationships. How might you contribute in ways that are unhealthy?

Consider doing a relationship inventory for all of your close connections. (Questions and instructions on how to do this are in the guide.) When you get clear on which relationships drain you and which fill your cup, the changes you need to make become clearer.

Let me know: are you in a relationship with a fellow HFC? Are your friends HFCs? Are you having trouble navigating the tension of being in recovery while they’re not? Let me know in the comments or on Instagram!

Have an amazing week and as always, take care of you.

P.S. Calling seekers and women who want to evolve in their lives! I invite you to join the most favorite thing I ever created, which is the Terri Cole Membership. I host four Q&A calls on Zoom each month where you get the chance to have me coach you on any issue you want my input on. I love snuggling up to my community and creating this sacred container. It’s a soft place to land in a hard world. Get all the details and join us here.