Humorous Quotes Quotes

Quotes tagged as "humorous-quotes" Showing 1-30 of 1,219
Owen Wister
“Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...”
Owen Wister, The Virginian: A Horseman of the Plains

“Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”
George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

Rick Riordan
“Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”
Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

Quentin R. Bufogle
“99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.”
Quentin R. Bufogle

Soman Chainani
“- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!
- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.”
Soman Chainani, The School for Good and Evil

Hieronymus Hawkes
“What do you read, Westbay? Romance novels?” She said it like reading romance was on par with chronic farting.”
Hieronymus Hawkes, Effacement

Neil Gaiman
“I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.”
Neil Gaiman, Stardust

“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”
Carroll Bryant

Elizabeth Jane Howard
“A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.”
Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

Ben Aaronovitch
“Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.”
Ben Aaronovitch, Whispers Under Ground

Matthew Bracey
“He had the gift of the gab and could sell sand to Arabs. Hell, he could sell a bag of dildos to a nun – no joke”
matthew bracey, Steel Dogs

Lisa Scottoline
“Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”
“I love you?”
Lisa Scottoline, Every Fifteen Minutes

Hieronymus Hawkes
“Kasia grinned in her particularly diabolical way, as if she knew something juicy and world shattering, but you didn’t quite measure up enough to deserve knowing.”
Hieronymus Hawkes, Effacement

Brandon Sanderson
“Good night, sweet prince,” M-Bot whispered as the junk crashed to the ground. “Or princess. Or, most likely, genderless piece of inanimate space junk.”
Brandon Sanderson, Skyward

Rick Riordan
“I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?”
Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

Charles V
“To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.”
Emperor Charles V

Ilona Andrews
“Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."
Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!”
Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

Richelle E. Goodrich
“Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.”
Richelle Goodrich, Smile Anyway: Quotes, Verse, and Grumblings for Every Day of the Year

Elizabeth Jane Howard
“A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!”
Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

Dennis Miller
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”
Dennis Miller

Oliver Markus
“If you call yourself an "authoress" on your Facebook profile, you suck at life. You are stupid and your children are ugly. It doesn't matter if you're just trying to be cute and original. You're not. You are about as original as all those other witless twits "writing" the one millionth shitty Fifty Shades clone. Or maybe you're trying to show your 2000 fake Facebook "friends" that you are an empowered feminist who will not stand for sexist terminology. But you're not showing people that you are fighting the good fight, you're showing people that you are a sheep, who's trying just a little too hard to ride the current wave of idiotic political correctness. The word "author" is no more gender-discrimination than the word "person." Do you call yourself a personess? No, of course not, because then you might as well wear a sign around your neck that says, "Hello, I'm a retard.”
Oliver Markus

Lisa Kleypas
“Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great."
"I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra."
"My dream date.”
Lisa Kleypas, Rainshadow Road

Lewis Carroll
“you're entirely bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are”
Lewis Carroll

“Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”
Carroll Bryant

Scott Westerfeld
“Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.”
Scott Westerfeld, Goliath

James Dashner
“if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.”
James Dashner, The Death Cure

Neeraj Agnihotri
“I have noticed that the majority of people procrastinate. In fact, it’s way more common than the common cold itself.”
Neeraj Agnihotri, Procrasdemon - The Artist's Guide to Liberation From Procrastination

Dennis Miller
“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
Dennis Miller

Brenda Sutton Rose
“Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.”
Brenda Sutton Rose, Dogwood Blues

“Boys and Girls come hear my greeting,
I hope you don't plan on sleeping.
For tonight while you are dreaming,
evil awakes unearthed and creeping.
There's things that thump, things that bite, things that go bump in the niiight,
what are these things you sit and ponder.
Brace yourselves, we call them...

The first monster we'll see today
is something that likes to-
Eat hay?
First they champ, than they stamp,
Uhhh :V
You all know about mermaids?
One parts sexy the other halfs lady
But do you know about this even scarier combination?
It's called...
But wait, where's its head?
I don't see it anywhere?..
It's called...
What's on it's what's on it's chest it's on it's chest?!
Is it like- some kind of-

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