Humorous Quotes Quotes

Quotes tagged as "humorous-quotes" Showing 1-30 of 1,082
Owen Wister
“Forgive my asking you to use your mind. It is a thing which no novelist should expect of his reader...”
Owen Wister, The Virginian: A Horseman of the Plains

“Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys.”
George R.R. Martin, A Storm of Swords

Rick Riordan
“Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.”
Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

Quentin R. Bufogle
“99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.”
Quentin R. Bufogle

Soman Chainani
“- You gave me a dead frog for my birthday!
- To remind you we all die and end up rotting underground eaten by maggots so we should enjoy our birthdays while we have them. I found it thoughtful.”
Soman Chainani, The School for Good and Evil

Neil Gaiman
“I just want you to know,' said the girl, coldly, 'that whoever you are and whatever you intend with me, I shall give you no aid of any kind, nor shall I assist you, and I shall do whatever is in my power to frustrate your plans and devices.' And then she added, with feeling, 'Idiot.”
Neil Gaiman, Stardust

“He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.”
Carroll Bryant

Elizabeth Jane Howard
“A rainy day is like a lovely gift -- you can sleep late and not feel guilty.”
Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

Ben Aaronovitch
“Holy paranormal activity, Nightingale - to the Jag mobile.”
Ben Aaronovitch, Whispers Under Ground

Lisa Scottoline
“Listen carefully, I’m going to say three words.”
“I love you?”
Lisa Scottoline, Every Fifteen Minutes

Rick Riordan
“I haven't devoured a soul in...What month is this? March?”
Rick Riordan, The Throne of Fire

Charles V
“To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German.”
Emperor Charles V

Elizabeth Jane Howard
“A massage is just like a movie, really relaxing and a total escape, except in a massage you're the star. And you don't miss anything by falling asleep!”
Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr. Wrong

Elizabeth Jane Howard
“I'm not lazy. I'm just really gifted, only instead of being good at music or math I'm good at sleeping late.”
Elizabeth Jane Howard, Mr Wrong

Ilona Andrews
“Mad Rogan: "Resistance is futile."
Nevada: "You are not assimilating me!”
Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

Richelle E. Goodrich
“Don't ignore me. I only get more annoying.”
Richelle Goodrich, Smile Anyway

Dennis Miller
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.”
Dennis Miller

Lisa Kleypas
“Sam was waiting for her,his gaze sweeping over her. "Looks great."
"I look like a geek," Lucy said. "I smell like a brewery. And I need a bra."
"My dream date.”
Lisa Kleypas, Rainshadow Road

Lewis Carroll
“you're entirely bonkers but I'll tell you a secret all the best people are”
Lewis Carroll

“Today I feel like I did tomorrow.”
Carroll Bryant

Scott Westerfeld
“Assisted him? Dylan made the repairs. I only fell and hit my head, from what I can recall. Yes, I make excellent deadweight.”
Scott Westerfeld, Goliath

Addison C. Arthur
“Generally speaking, I try not to generalize.”
Addison C. Arthur

Neeraj Agnihotri
“I have noticed that the majority of people procrastinate. In fact, it’s way more common than the common cold itself.”
Neeraj Agnihotri, Procrasdemon - The Artist's Guide to Liberation From Procrastination

James Dashner
“if any of your body parts become detached due to an unfortunate encounter with a crank, I highly advise you leave said body part behind and run like hell. Unless it's a leg, of course.”
James Dashner, The Death Cure

Barbara Taylor Bradford
“It's all right, darling. I'll finish the financial report on my own. I can think clearly before sex and stay awake afterwards. That's one of the nice things about being a woman.”
Barbara Taylor Bradford, Power of a Woman

Dennis Miller
“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
Dennis Miller

Brenda Sutton Rose
“Are you aware that Jesus Christ can spell? I get so tired of you spelling every slang and cuss word that crosses your mind, as though you are pulling one over on the Lord.”
Brenda Sutton Rose, Dogwood Blues

Sonia Fernández-Vidal
“Si el universo fuese un vestido,¿cuál te pondrías esta noche?”
Sonia Fernández-Vidal

Karl Kristian Flores
“I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.”
Karl Kristian Flores, Cardiac Ablation

P.G. Wodehouse
“Sir Roderick Glossop, Honoria’s father, is always called a nerve specialist, because it sounds better, but everybody knows that he’s a sort of janitor to the looney-bin. I mean to say, when your uncle the Duke begins to feel the strain a bit and you find him in the blue drawing room sticking straws in his hair, old Glossop is the first person you send for. ... Practically every posh family in the country has called him in at one time or another, and I suppose that, being in that position—I mean, constantly having to sit on people’s heads while their nearest and dearest phone to the asylum to send round the waggon—does tend to make a chappie take what you call a warped view of humanity.”
P.G. Wodehouse, The Inimitable Jeeves

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