Humourous Quotes

Quotes tagged as "humourous" (showing 1-30 of 286)
Terry Pratchett
“No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away...”
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

Tamora Pierce
“Seniors get to do all the jolly things," Owen complained as they walked to archery practice that first day.

Neal glared at the chubby second-year with all the royal disdain of a vexed lion. He was limping from a staff blow to the knee. "You are a bloody minded-savage," he informed Owen sternly. "I hope you are kidnapped by centaurs.”
Tamora Pierce, Page

Julie Kagawa
“The mighty hunter,” I quipped as we snuck out the backdoor, escaping into the yard. “He can take down vicious rabids and rampaging boars, but one old lady can make him flee in terror.”

“One scary old lady,” he corrected me, looking relieved to be out of the house. “You didn’t hear what she told me when I got up — you’re so cute I could put you in a pie. Tell me that’s not the creepiest thing you’ve ever heard.” His voice climbed a few octaves, turning shrill and breathy. “Today for dessert, we have apple pie, blueberry pie and Ezekiel pie.”
Julie Kagawa, The Immortal Rules

Ilona Andrews
“Fuck the pack. I gave them fifteen years of my life. I fought for them, bled for them, and the moment my back was turned, they attacked my wife. I owe them nothing.”
Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

Richelle Mead
“Rose is in red,
But never in blue,
Sharp as a thorn,
Fights like one too.”
Richelle Mead, Shadow Kiss

Kristen Ashley
“She nodded, grabbed her purse out of the drawer and skedaddled, walking like she was on a catwalk, one foot in front of the other, her ass swaying under the skirt of her expensive, tailored suit.
Bitch. I thought again, watching her go.
“No comparison,” Luke said after the door closed behind Dawn and I turned to him.
“Excuse me?”
“Dawn’s a man eater. You’re not. No comparison,” Luke answered and I didn’t know how to take that.
“Is that good?”
The half-smile came back.
“Most men prefer to do the eating.”
Holy fucking cow.”
Kristen Ashley, Rock Chick Redemption

Cassandra Clare
“Honestly I don't know why i have these parties"

"Because of your cat"

"That's true. Chairman Meow deserves my every effort”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Samuel Beckett
“Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”
Samuel Beckett

Linda Howard
“I thought you were a drunk."
"A drunk?"
"Bloodshot eyes, dirty clothes, getting home in the wee hours of the morning, making a lot of
noise, grouchy all the time as if you had a hangover… what else was I to think?"
He rubbed his face. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. I should have showered, shaved, and dressed in a
suit before I came out to tell you that you were making enough noise to raise the dead.”
Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect

Bridget Zinn
“Ari, maybe we should get you out of here. No joke. You really are dangerous with thus truth serum in you, You might sat something you wished you hadn't."
"Like that your mum scares me, but I think your dad is kind of cute in and old-guy sort of way?"
"Exactly like that."
"Eh. I'm not worried.”
Bridget Zinn, Poison

Terry Pratchett
“Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.”
Terry Pratchett, Jingo

Christopher Moore
“She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.”
Christopher Moore

Anthony Horowitz
“Do you realise how much trouble you're in?"
"Perhaps I'll have some Weetabix after all.”
Anthony Horowitz, Scorpia

“That's part of your curse. To drive men mad with desire and feel no pleasure".

"Great," I muttered. "And all this time I thought I was frigid.”
Kristina Douglas, Demon

Terry Pratchett
“The boldest of the three moved suddenly, grabbed Angua and pulled her upright. "We walk out of here unharmed or the girl gets it, all right?" he snarled.

Someone sniggered.

"I hope you're not going to kill anyone," said Carrot.

"That's up to us!"

"Sorry, was I talking to you?" said Carrot.”
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

“The trouble with eating Italian is that 5 or 6 days later, you're hungry again.”
George Miller

Jaye Wells
“My eyes bulged out of my head as I saw what rested between his hips. “Good Lord!” I said without thinking. A forked penis will do that to a girl. He glanced down at the appendage and smiled knowingly. “Once you go demon you never go back.”
Jaye Wells, Red-Headed Stepchild

Amy Neftzger
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
Amy Neftzger

Tony Attwood
“Universities are renowned for their tolerance of unusual characters, especially if they show originality and dedication to their research. I have often made the comment that not only are universities a 'cathedral' for worship of knowledge, they are also 'sheltered workshops' for the socially challenged.”
Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome

Stephen King
“What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
Stephen King, The Waste Lands

“I believe in love. Unfortunately, it doesn't believe me. Lust, on the other hand, is a nagging wife poking constantly at my DNA.”
Carroll Bryant

Rebecca Maizel
“Let's chow, and then we'll get our books," Tony said. Just as the door was about to close behind us, he added, "You act like you've never had food before.”
Rebecca Maizel, Infinite Days

Tammy Blackwell
“It would be like The Rock versus Seth Green. Now, tell me who he is”
Tammy Blackwell, Destiny Binds

George R.R. Martin
“Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.”
George R.R. Martin, A Feast for Crows

Steven Erikson
“So you say, with your shiny hair and pouty lips - and those breasts - just wait till you start dropping whelps, they'll be at your ankles one day, big as they are - not the whelps, the breasts. The whelps will be in your hair - no, not the shiny hair on your head, well, yes, that hair, but only as a manner of speech.”
Steven Erikson, House of Chains

“People think common sense is common - but it's not.”
Don Cherry

Terry Pratchett
“You see," said Colon, "thieves are organized here. I mean, it's official. They're allowed a certain amount of thieving. Not that they do much these days, mind you. If you pay them a little premium every year they give you a card and leave you alone. Saves time and effort all around."

"And all thieves are members?" said Angua.

"Oh, yes," said Carrot. "Can't go thieving in Ankh-Morpork without a Guild permit. Not unless you've got a special talent."

"Why? What happens? What talent?" she said.

"Well, being able to survive being hung upside down from one of the gates with your ears nailed to your knees," said Carrot.”
Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms

Benny Bellamacina
“Never say no to now”
Benny Bellamacina, Piddly poems for children vol:3

Elizabeth Peters
“I always carry the book of Holy Writ...and something to read...”
Elizabeth Peters, The Last Camel Died at Noon

Gauri Jhangiani
“It was a Wednesday, I think. Yes, a Wednesday, that miserable day sandwiched between the dreadful Monday and Tuesday and the 'all right' Thursday and Friday, which ultimately gave way to what I hoped woud be a glorious weekend.”
Gauri Jhangiani, The Extraordinary Lives of Ordinary People

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