Humourous Situations Quotes

“Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“Donde, he offered a piece of candy to a little
   boy.”
― Kyle Keyes, Under the Bus

“Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!’ in front of a lady.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Uck It List

“To whomever swapped my tattoo cream for toothpaste........ well played.”
― R.D. Ronald

“The gate is perfectly simple," Temeraire said. "There is only a bar across the fence, which one can lift very easily, and then it swings open; Nitidus could do it best, for his forehands are the smallest. Though it is difficult to keep the animals inside the pen, and the first time I learned how to open it, they all ran away," he added. "Maximus and I had to chase after them for hours and hours--it was not funny at all," he said, ruffled, sitting back on his haunches and contemplating Laurence with great indignation.”
― Naomi Novik, Throne of Jade

“Do i look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice-cream?

No. no, you don't.

Then why are you telling me all this bullshit just so you can fuck me.”
― Quentin Tarantino, True Romance

“Just curious,she mouthed.
"What? I didn't catch that."
Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips.
"If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."
Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerably
less
'flat than the floor.
"Owww!" he yelled.
Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.
"If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Edward was now expressing himself on the subject of the French King, drawing upon a vocabulary that a Southwark brothel-keeper might envy. Some of what he was saying was anatomically impossible, much of it was true and all of it envenomed.”
― Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“I suddenly remembered that Murray Gell-Mann and I were supposed to give talks at that conference on the present situation of high-energy physics. My talk was set for the plenary session, so I asked the guide, "Sir, where would the talks for the plenary session of the conference be?"

"Back in that room that we just came through."

"Oh!" I said in delight. "Then I'm gonna give a speech in that room!"

The guide looked down at my dirty pants and my sloppy shirt. I realized how dumb that remark must have sounded to him, but it was genuine surprise and delight on my part.

We went along a little bit farther, and the guide said, "This is a lounge for the various delegates, where they often hold informal discussions." They were some small, square windows in the doors to the lounge that you could look through, so people looked in. There were a few men sitting there talking.

I looked through the windows and saw Igor Tamm, a physicist from Russia that I know. "Oh!" I said. "I know that guy!" and I started through the door.

The guide screamed, "No, no! Don't go in there!" By this time he was sure he had a maniac on his hands, but he couldn't chase me because he wasn't allowed to go through the door himself!”
― Richard Feynman

“Mia Maz glanced aside in concern at his muffled snort. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. Sorry," he whispered. "I'm just having an attack of limericks."
Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip; only her deepening dimple betrayed her. "Shhh," she said, with feeling.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, Cetaganda

“You are a major dimwit. Is your brain made out of jello, you spineless twit? A leaf? What do you think I am, one of those magical raccoons? I'm a concept, get it? Con-cept! Concepts and raccoons aren't exactly the same, now are they? What a dumb thing to say...”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“I believe the day Einstein feared the most is when people circulate pictures of dead bodies of relatives on WhatsApp and get Thumbs Down and Crying smileys as response.”
― Ketan Waghmare

“Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches?”
― Quinn Loftis, Luna of Mine

“You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"

"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."

"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."

"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon?”
― Louisa Edwards, Just One Taste

“I'll serve something black. Bean soup, licorice, coffee. It'll be very grim, I promise. We'll cover the mirrors. We'll listen to Piaf. We'll read passages from Dostoyevsky.”
― Stephanie Kallos

“Patrick Kenzie asking a bemused waitress for a newspaper in smalltown USA. 'It’s like a homepage without a scroll button?”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!”
― C. JoyBell C.

“You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard!”
― Lee Taylor, Bound

“He has big hands too, I say, swigging cider. I should know. Big beautiful hands. I daresay big feet as well.
You mean that...? Philomena asks.
Fanny whispers in her ear, and she giggles.
I do find unclothed men interesting, I must admit.
Which one do you think has the best arse? I ask before I can stop myself.”
― Janet Mullany, A Most Lamentable Comedy

“You’re wrong! I’m NOT a frog because I can’t eat flies; but, I’m able to eat these bugs. Can I be a raccoon like you guys?”

“Silly frog, you can’t be a raccoon! Mamma eats frogs, and she’ll be back soon.”
― Alicia J. Pfaff, If I Can't Eat Flies, What Am I?

“Every bit is mine, every blot is mine. In case, you don't get it you qualify for the proverb, PEARL BEFORE SWINE.”
― Deependra Tiwari, THUMBS-UP FOR RUMA

“And if you weren’t a fool, a common fool, a perfect fool, if you were an original
instead of a translation … you see, Rodya, I recognise you’re a clever fellow, but you’re a fool!”
― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

“This bird makes at least as much impact in Victoria's journal as the man who turned out to be the love of her life. And that evening Albert was left behind when she went out to a grand dinner.”
― Lucy Worsley, Queen Victoria: Daughter, Wife, Mother, Widow

“The four or five people in the restaurant hushed and pressed their ears against the silence that surrounded us. We were suspended in that moment. I’ve Got Dreams to Remember by Otis Redding played on the jukebox and for a moment everything was very much a dream. Our feelings blossomed together. His giant black holes for eyes grew larger as our eyes locked. Certainly, the instinct to run visited my thoughts but any attempt would have been in vain. Unfortunately, we were intertwined by the laws of dignity.”
― Brandon Cruz (Hope is a Recurring Dream

“The four or five people in the restaurant hushed and pressed their ears against the silence that surrounded us. We were suspended in that moment. I’ve Got Dreams to Remember by Otis Redding played on the jukebox and for a moment everything was very much a dream. Our feelings blossomed together. His giant black holes for eyes grew larger as our eyes locked. Certainly, the instinct to run visited my thoughts but any attempt would have been in vain. Unfortunately, we were intertwined by the laws of dignity.”
― Brandon Cruz (Hope is a Recurring Dream)

“The fifth thing I notice is that I'm noticing a lot of things. So I stop. ... I notice him some more.”
― Nicola Yoon, Instructions for Dancing

“Cela faisait un maintenant trente secondes qu'Arthur essayait, sans succès de dire "Où avez-vous trouvé ça ?" d'un ton brusque et légèrement interloqué.
Finalement, l'instant se présenta mais il le rata d'une milliseconde.
"Où avez-vous trouvez ça ?" dit Fenchurch d'un ton brusque et légèrement interloqué.
Arthur jeta sur Fenchurch un regarde brusque et légèrement interloqué et lança "Quoi ? Tu as déjà vu des trucs comme ça ?
-Oui. J'en ai un. Ou plutôt, j'en ai eu un. Russell me l'a piqué pour y mettre ses balles de golf. Je ne sais pas d'où il venait , ce que je sais, c'est que j'étais en rogne après Russell pour me l'avoir piqué. Pourquoi, tu en as un, toi aussi ?
-Oui, il était..."
Ils se rendirent compte l'un et l'autre que le regard de Wonko le Sain passait brusquement de l'un à l'autre, tout en essayant dans l'intervalle de paraître interloqué.
"Vous aussi, vous en avez un ?”
― Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish

“So this funny incident happened a week ago. I was in a Departmental Store and I couldn't find what I was looking for and so went to the shop assistants who were two girls.

Me: Is Moustache and Beard Wax available at this store?

The two girls looked at me with surprise and asked: To remove your moustache and beard?”
― Avijeet Das