Humourous Situations Quotes

“Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!’ in front of a lady.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Uck It List

“Do i look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice-cream?

No. no, you don't.

Then why are you telling me all this bullshit just so you can fuck me.”
― Quentin Tarantino, True Romance

“The gate is perfectly simple," Temeraire said. "There is only a bar across the fence, which one can lift very easily, and then it swings open; Nitidus could do it best, for his forehands are the smallest. Though it is difficult to keep the animals inside the pen, and the first time I learned how to open it, they all ran away," he added. "Maximus and I had to chase after them for hours and hours--it was not funny at all," he said, ruffled, sitting back on his haunches and contemplating Laurence with great indignation.”
― Naomi Novik, Throne of Jade

“Just curious,she mouthed.
"What? I didn't catch that."
Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips.
"If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."
Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerably
less
'flat than the floor.
"Owww!" he yelled.
Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.
"If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Edward was now expressing himself on the subject of the French King, drawing upon a vocabulary that a Southwark brothel-keeper might envy. Some of what he was saying was anatomically impossible, much of it was true and all of it envenomed.”
― Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour

“Mia Maz glanced aside in concern at his muffled snort. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. Sorry," he whispered. "I'm just having an attack of limericks."
Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip; only her deepening dimple betrayed her. "Shhh," she said, with feeling.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, Cetaganda

“I suddenly remembered that Murray Gell-Mann and I were supposed to give talks at that conference on the present situation of high-energy physics. My talk was set for the plenary session, so I asked the guide, "Sir, where would the talks for the plenary session of the conference be?"

"Back in that room that we just came through."

"Oh!" I said in delight. "Then I'm gonna give a speech in that room!"

The guide looked down at my dirty pants and my sloppy shirt. I realized how dumb that remark must have sounded to him, but it was genuine surprise and delight on my part.

We went along a little bit farther, and the guide said, "This is a lounge for the various delegates, where they often hold informal discussions." They were some small, square windows in the doors to the lounge that you could look through, so people looked in. There were a few men sitting there talking.

I looked through the windows and saw Igor Tamm, a physicist from Russia that I know. "Oh!" I said. "I know that guy!" and I started through the door.

The guide screamed, "No, no! Don't go in there!" By this time he was sure he had a maniac on his hands, but he couldn't chase me because he wasn't allowed to go through the door himself!”
― Richard Feynman

“Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches?”
― Quinn Loftis, Luna of Mine

“I believe the day Einstein feared the most is when people circulate pictures of dead bodies of relatives on WhatsApp and get Thumbs Down and Crying smileys as response.”
― Ketan Waghmare

“You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"

"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."

"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."

"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon?”
― Louisa Edwards, Just One Taste

“You are a major dimwit. Is your brain made out of jello, you spineless twit? A leaf? What do you think I am, one of those magical raccoons? I'm a concept, get it? Con-cept! Concepts and raccoons aren't exactly the same, now are they? What a dumb thing to say...”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“I'll serve something black. Bean soup, licorice, coffee. It'll be very grim, I promise. We'll cover the mirrors. We'll listen to Piaf. We'll read passages from Dostoyevsky.”
― Stephanie Kallos

“Patrick Kenzie asking a bemused waitress for a newspaper in smalltown USA. 'It’s like a homepage without a scroll button?”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!”
― C. JoyBell C.

“You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard!”
― Lee Taylor, Bound

“Death lies not in being dead, but in acting dead.”
― Linda Armstrong, The Zombie Wizards of Ala-ka

“Just as you drop body parts, those parts reassemble, and have done so continuously over the history of the earth. People decompose, become dirt, dirt becomes vegetables and fruit, animals and people eat the food that grows from the dirt that was once a body. It is all one big recycling program the earth does.”
― Linda Armstrong, The Zombie Wizards of Ala-ka

“He has big hands too, I say, swigging cider. I should know. Big beautiful hands. I daresay big feet as well.
You mean that...? Philomena asks.
Fanny whispers in her ear, and she giggles.
I do find unclothed men interesting, I must admit.
Which one do you think has the best arse? I ask before I can stop myself.”
― Janet Mullany, A Most Lamentable Comedy

“Like a herald announcing the arrival of royalty, she let out what is easily the longest, loudest, and most musical fart I have ever heard.”
― Paul Carter, Yet More Tales of a Country Doctor

“Arman groaned. “You’re definitely taking all the romance out of this.”

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “But sex is silly and it’s funny, and it doesn’t always work—you need to get that idea out of your head or you’ll get depressed if it’s not all magical.”
― Ann Somerville, Kei's Gift

“Without humanity how can human beings enter Heaven?”
― Lailah Gifty Akita

“Words such as frugality, miserliness and thriftiness came to my mind. As one would swallow a bitter medicine, I swallowed the experience, paid for the services and took my leave. Jan Carlzon was right when he started if one is not serving the customer, one's job is to be serving someone who is.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I AM AUDACIOUS

“You could call it a period of harassment, during which, each time I reset my password it got changed, documents downloaded or created or saved disappeared. I also stumbled upon changes made to the manuscript I had edited earlier, was blocked out of my social networking websites and features added or deleted to the websites I own. To make matters worse, I did not know that malware had different names such as a virus, worm, Trojan horse, spyware, ransomware, rootkit, RAT and backdoor.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I AM AUDACIOUS

“Staying alive means having to fulfil responsibilities and pay for all the expenses incurred while living. Since when did dying become an expensive affair, I thought to myself. What does it cost for a funeral these days? I embarked on a research and my findings increased my desire to live and crusade against all kinds of negative forces.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I AM AUDACIOUS

“It being the digital age and all, I can comprehend why one would choose the mobile phone, the most convenient and indispensable device , as a tool to be insolent towards antediluvian people like me who still have not lost faith in down-to-earth face-to-face interactions. It always begins with an impulsive need to pick up the phone and browse through apps. This need then, with the speed of the wind would gain a sense of immediacy whereupon, Mr./Ms. Presumptuous would make unconvincing excuses about having to take a call or text to a family member to check on his/her welfare. Leaving me in the middle of an interesting development that I am so willing to share, Mr./Ms. Presumptuous walks few meters away from where I am seated and comes back twenty minutes later only to steer the conversation away to a subject that he/she fancies.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I AM AUDACIOUS

“Did I tell you it is a crime to drink un-chilled wine? An act of gross injustice that would offend the manufacturers, connoisseurs of wine and food critics alike. Red wine adds glamour to a snifter whereas white wine adds sparkle to your stemware. Sparkling rose with its romantic hue would give the crystal cut glassware an aura of romance. The feeling you get when you swirl the sweet, sour, tangy, crisp liquid in your mouth with your first sip is unsurpassable, A few more sips and a gentle warmth courts you, which spreads through your veins making you feel relaxed. You can feel your spirits soar high in the clouds of imagination or intoxication.”
― Dr Neetha Joseph, I AM AUDACIOUS

“You’re wrong! I’m NOT a frog because I can’t eat flies; but, I’m able to eat these bugs. Can I be a raccoon like you guys?”

“Silly frog, you can’t be a raccoon! Mamma eats frogs, and she’ll be back soon.”
― Alicia J. Pfaff, If I Can't Eat Flies, What Am I?