Humourous Situations Quotes

“Where is he? Bridgerton!" he bellowed.
Three chestnut heads swiveled in his direction. Simon stomped across the grass, murder in his eyes.
"I meant the idiot Bridgerton."
"That, I believe," Anthony said mildly, tilting his chin toward Colin, "would refer to you.”
― Julia Quinn, The Duke and I

“Me? Oh, intellectually I believe in having a good heart, a chirpy penis, a lively intelligence, and the courage to say ‘shit!’ in front of a lady.”
― D.H. Lawrence, Lady Chatterley's Lover

“Do i look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice-cream?

No. no, you don't.

Then why are you telling me all this bullshit just so you can fuck me.”
― Quentin Tarantino, True Romance

“The gate is perfectly simple," Temeraire said. "There is only a bar across the fence, which one can lift very easily, and then it swings open; Nitidus could do it best, for his forehands are the smallest. Though it is difficult to keep the animals inside the pen, and the first time I learned how to open it, they all ran away," he added. "Maximus and I had to chase after them for hours and hours--it was not funny at all," he said, ruffled, sitting back on his haunches and contemplating Laurence with great indignation.”
― Naomi Novik, Throne of Jade

“Just curious,she mouthed.
"What? I didn't catch that."
Jjuussttccuurriioouuss.She drew it out this time, hoping he'd be able to read her lips.
"If you spoke out loud," he drawled, "I might understand what you're saying."
Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerably
less
'flat than the floor.
"Owww!" he yelled.
Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it.
"If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Lash had been explaining to her that it's impolite to refer to an African American as a nigga, unless one was another African American, when Troy Lee came in and said, "She only speaks Cantonese."

"She does not. She keeps coming in and saying 'What's up my nigga?'"

"Oh yeah. She does that to me, too. Did you give her a pound?"

"No. I didn't give her a pound, motherfucker. She called me a nigga."

"Well, she's not going to quit unless you give her a pound. It's just the way she rolls."

"That's some bullshit, Troy."

"It's her couch.”
― Christopher Moore, You Suck

“Edward was now expressing himself on the subject of the French King, drawing upon a vocabulary that a Southwark brothel-keeper might envy. Some of what he was saying was anatomically impossible, much of it was true and all of it envenomed.”
― Sharon Kay Penman, The Sunne in Splendour

“Mia Maz glanced aside in concern at his muffled snort. "Are you all right?"
"Yes. Sorry," he whispered. "I'm just having an attack of limericks."
Her eyes widened, and she bit her lip; only her deepening dimple betrayed her. "Shhh," she said, with feeling.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold, Cetaganda

“Psht, as if. You and what army could possibly rescue her from my clutches?”
― Quinn Loftis, Luna of Mine

“I suddenly remembered that Murray Gell-Mann and I were supposed to give talks at that conference on the present situation of high-energy physics. My talk was set for the plenary session, so I asked the guide, "Sir, where would the talks for the plenary session of the conference be?"

"Back in that room that we just came through."

"Oh!" I said in delight. "Then I'm gonna give a speech in that room!"

The guide looked down at my dirty pants and my sloppy shirt. I realized how dumb that remark must have sounded to him, but it was genuine surprise and delight on my part.

We went along a little bit farther, and the guide said, "This is a lounge for the various delegates, where they often hold informal discussions." They were some small, square windows in the doors to the lounge that you could look through, so people looked in. There were a few men sitting there talking.

I looked through the windows and saw Igor Tamm, a physicist from Russia that I know. "Oh!" I said. "I know that guy!" and I started through the door.

The guide screamed, "No, no! Don't go in there!" By this time he was sure he had a maniac on his hands, but he couldn't chase me because he wasn't allowed to go through the door himself!”
― Richard Feynman

“I mean, drink driving is bad, drug driving is bad, but what is driving whilst under the influence of a fuc%ing nymphomaniac in your lap? How many years will this get me, if I do manage to keep my eyes on the road and not drive us off it first?”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Uck It List

“I believe the day Einstein feared the most is when people circulate pictures of dead bodies of relatives on WhatsApp and get Thumbs Down and Crying smileys as response.”
― Ketan Waghmare

“You are a major dimwit. Is your brain made out of jello, you spineless twit? A leaf? What do you think I am, one of those magical raccoons? I'm a concept, get it? Con-cept! Concepts and raccoons aren't exactly the same, now are they? What a dumb thing to say...”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

“You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"

"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."

"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."

"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon?”
― Louisa Edwards, Just One Taste

“I'll serve something black. Bean soup, licorice, coffee. It'll be very grim, I promise. We'll cover the mirrors. We'll listen to Piaf. We'll read passages from Dostoyevsky.”
― Stephanie Kallos

“Patrick Kenzie asking a bemused waitress for a newspaper in smalltown USA. 'It’s like a homepage without a scroll button?”
― Dennis Lehane, Moonlight Mile

“You know us naturist types.. when we party we party hard!”
― Lee Taylor, Bound

“The last time I was on a cruise it was through the Greek islands with Justin, and I was positively glowing with love and post-sex hormones. Now, huddled in a corner with three Aldi bags of knitting needles, crochet hooks and wool, accompanied by an ex-hippy and a sardine sandwich, I can no longer deny the fact that my life has taken a turn for the worse.”
― Beth O'Leary, The Flatshare

“I am fully aware that when it comes to assholes, I have a special magnet, but I didn't think my radar was that far off.”
― Demetra Georgiou

“Friends are like websites. There are some you visit more than the others. ~Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu”
― Nkwachukwu Ogbuagu

“I've always liked Belgian waffles, but I must say, I didn't think I would one day be having Belgian waffles in Belgium! I just sort of POOF found myself there and there I was with a gigantic Belgian waffle in my hands, standing on a sidewalk in Belgium!”
― C. JoyBell C.

“He has big hands too, I say, swigging cider. I should know. Big beautiful hands. I daresay big feet as well.
You mean that...? Philomena asks.
Fanny whispers in her ear, and she giggles.
I do find unclothed men interesting, I must admit.
Which one do you think has the best arse? I ask before I can stop myself.”
― Janet Mullany, A Most Lamentable Comedy

“Clenching my fists, his subsequent snore emphasises my suspicions. He has been sleeping on the job. I put my hands on my hips and glide over to him. I have one intent in mind. Picking up the book next to his elbow, I slam it down on the table. There are definitely some perks to being able to manipulate objects. Adam’s reaction is priceless. “W…w….what? W…where? W…why?” He stammers, blinking frantically. One hand flies to his heart, which he clutches dramatically and he raises his other to his forehead, wiping his brow. When he realises who has disturbed him and what I have done, he scowls at me. “Why did you do that?” He snaps, rubbing his eyes. He yawns at the end, meaning that I definitely can’t take him seriously. “I was enjoying that dream.” At hearing his answer, I roll my eyes. Part of me is tempted to interrogate him, to find what he was dreaming about exactly. The other rational and sensible part wins, meaning that I thrust the book in his direction, winding him considerably. He throws me a sharp glare, which ends in a grimace. The book juts sharply into his ribs. “You should be reading NOT sleeping!” I retort, making sure that the book digs harder into his chest. I give it one last push. “So get going.”
― Adele Rose, Damned

“Adam on the other hand begins to choke on Jen’s stolen chip. It is Jason who saves him from further embarrassment by thumping him on the back...hard. The chip comes back up, only to fly out of Adam’s mouth and stick to the back of some poor girl’s greasy hair. I don’t know what is worse. Adam’s face when he realises that Grace is indeed standing next to him or Adam’s face when he realises that Grace is indeed standing next to him and is beyond revolted by the outcome of the entire situation. Jason and Jen are failing miserably at keeping a straight face in their amusement. The look they shoot Adam screams: “I’m sorry mate but you’re on your own.”
― Adele Rose, Damned

“A psychic told me I could be a medium. I told her that was impossible as I'm an extra large!”
― Stewart Stafford

“Dad stops behind Felicity, larger than life even in his late sixties, his hair prayer than brown, the lines in his face getting deeper every day. He gives me a strangled sort of look. "I'm supposed to talk to you about where babies come from. Your mother says you were doing it wrong."

Felicity has a sudden coughing fit that has Ares off his feet and across the room making sure the baby's okay before i can finish thinking fuck.

"I told her she should've given you a few more minutes," dad adds. He clears his throat. "So the shed should be free tonight."

Felicity's leaning against the wall, laughing so hard she's crying. Loki's gripping her around the head and patting her hair, his eyes huge and terrified, like female tears scare the shit out of him.

Are's whole body is vibrating with silent laughter.

Dad clears his throat again and nods to me. "So, practice good. You're welcome to stay here as long as you want.”
― Pippa Grant, Charming as Puck

“Oh it’s all so lovely, isn’t it? Life’s magnitude is madly bipolar—just look at Earth—betwixt it all we try so so desperately to be sensical. Life is the funniest joke ever told for those who manage to see its humour! I reckon we, the Human race, are the divine comedy: The Fools of Folly who, bored by drifting senselessly, crafted an endless universe of entertainment and intrigue; a stage where clueless puppets swing at each other in the name of love.”
― BatWhaleDragon, Humans Laid Bare Trilogyc

“ONLY HAPPY WHEN MISERABLE, IS SOMETHING WE SHOULD ALL TRY TO AVOID!”
― Robert Dee, A Few Days at Forest Charms Hotel & Restaurant

“But the smell could just as easily have been coming from the old lady who was busy beating flies away from the pile of bodies. It was a hopeless task because each of the flies was about the size of a winged bottle top and all she had was a table tennis bat. Also she seemed half blind. Every now and then, by chance, her wild thrashing would connect with one of the flies with a richly satisfying thunk, and the fly would hurtle through the air and smack itself open against the rock face a few yards from the entrance to her cave.
She gave every impression, by her demeanour, that these were the moments she lived for.”
― Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

“Attack!” I yell, snarling at Adam, who stands there dumbfounded for a few moments, before sense regains the upper hand. All I need down is a helmet and a flag to mark my territory. Yes. I think, cackling like a maniac. You are being chased by a pissed off ghost with a nasty vendetta.”
― Adele Rose, Damned