Dark Humour Quotes

Quotes tagged as "dark-humour" (showing 1-30 of 42)
Rick Riordan
“You will suffer, son of Hades!’
What else is new? Nico thought.”
Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

Rick Riordan
“He looked at the silver pocketknife in his hand. An idea came to him – possibly the stupidest, craziest idea he’d had since he thought, Hey, I’ll get Percy to swim in the River Styx! He’ll love me for that!”
Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

David Mitchell
“Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not?”
David Mitchell, Slade House

Derek Landy
“He liked murder. Murder and long walks had been two of his favorite things when he was younger.”
Derek Landy, Dark Days

Derek Landy
“Everyone gets tortured these days. Skulduggery by Serpine, who then turned around and did that red right hand thing at you. Then Skulduggery was tortured again by the Faceless Ones. I figured it was my turn, you know? You're not part of the team if you haven't been tortured- that's what I always say. Well, I'll be saying that from now on anyway.”
Derek Landy, Dark Days

Derek Landy
“My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid.”
Derek Landy, Dark Days

Neil deGrasse Tyson
“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson

James Welch
“He had followed the calendar, the years, time-
Bird farted.
And it came to me, as though it were riding one moment of the gusting wind, as though bird had had it in him all the time and had passed it to me in that one moment of instant corruption.”
James Welch, Winter in the Blood

Jacques Tardi
“Moreover, man carries in his heart the desire always to wield his scientific knowledge in service of the greater good. He would of course never use it for destructive purposes. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! ...”
Jacques Tardi, The Arctic Marauder

Lailah Gifty Akita
“The light and the stars guide my way.”
Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

Morana Blue
“Apparently, we're all in the frame," I heard Harry murmur somewhere behind me. And I whirled back to him. Innate, irrational anger surged. Then stopped, dead - as I suddenly took in Handsome, Robert and Doc. They were all staring at me. They were concentrating, all resolute, all a tad furrow-browed… upon my face.
Self-consciousness burgeoned. I gingerly fingered my and lips and my chin,
"Am I drooling?"
"Your arse is hanging out," said Harry, not looking up from the forensics he was scanning.
And so it was.
Handsome, Robert and Doc averted their eyes as I, wishing I'd merely been dribbling, grabbed the back flaps of my breezy hospital gown, fully placed my back against the wall. Then, thinking better of it, dived hurriedly, carefully, back into bed.
If Chinese Lady'd been here, she could've, would've, told me.
I missed her already.”
Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

Morana Blue
“The young woman's perfect breast didn't yield beneath the gentle pressure of two latexed fingers.
"What're you doing?" Professor Robert 'Lithium Bob' Beck frowned at me.
"I don't know. It's what I did when I first saw her…"
"Why?" asked Doc Donald, about to assist with the post mortem.
"She seemed so… pink. Maybe to see if she was alive…" I saw the Prof and the Doc exchange a look. It was an unconventional - no, plain weird - place to touch her.”
Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

Will Kostakis
“How was your afternoon?"
“No one died, so it was a big improvement on my morning.”
Will Kostakis, The Sidekicks

Jane Timm Baxter
“She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him.”
Jane Timm Baxter

Morana Blue
“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.
"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.
Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.
"Which one broke my nose?"
"That'd be Dennis.”
Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

Lailah Gifty Akita
“If you have seen darkness, you will appreciate the dawn of light.”
Lailah Gifty Akita, Think Great: Be Great!

J.G. Ballard
“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

Cormac McCarthy
“Do you know what two centimeters is?
Yeah. It's a measurement.
It's about three quarters of an inch.
All right.
That's the distance that round missed your liver by.
Is that what the doctor told you?
Yes. You know what the liver does?
No.
It keeps you alive. Do you know who the man is who shot you?
Maybe he didnt shoot me. Maybe it was one of the Mexicans.
Do you know who the man is?
No. Am I supposed to?
Becase he's not somebody you really want to know. The people he meets tend to have very short futures. Nonexistent, in fact.
Well good for him.”
Cormac McCarthy, No Country for Old Men

Dean Lilleyman
“Drink a bottle of cheap champagne. Mix with orange juice. A large Glenmorangie. Milk and blackish toast. Half a bottle of Blue Nun. Budweiser. Budweiser. Go to church. Say I do etc. Budweiser. Murphy’s. Jameson. Budweiser. Stella. Stella. Cake. Stella. Jameson. Stella. Vodka and orange. Vodka and black. Speech, speech. Vodka. Vodka. Double Jameson. Double vodka. Double vodka. Get carry-outs of barley wine. Say goodbye to aunties. Uncles. Mothers etc. Stop car on M18. Vomit. Sleep. Dream of dim-lit hallways and a black door. Wake up between Scarborough and Robin Hood’s Bay. Her not saying much. Driving.”
Dean Lilleyman, Billy and the Devil

Louise Erdrich
“Now is it time to burn the house?”
Louise Erdrich

Christopher Brookmyre
“There can be only one”
Christopher Brookmyre, Be My Enemy

David Dickinson
“Wouldn’t it be grand,’ Fitzgerald was looking down at a bunch of dead flowers, ‘if people actually said what they meant on these bloody tombs.’
‘What do you mean, Johnny?’ asked Powerscourt.
’Delighted he’s gone,’ said Fitzgerald cheerfully, ‘Thank you, God, for taking the old bastard away. Gone but not remembered. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, not a moment too soon. May her life be as miserable where she’s gone as she made mine here on earth, that sort of thing.’
‘You’re a bad person, Johnny,’ Powerscourt laughed.”
David Dickinson, Death and the Jubilee

Iain Banks
“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”
Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

Mark Tilbury
“The concrete floor beneath the airbed was hard and uncompromising, digging into her back and making it difficult to breathe. The stale air reeked of disinfectant and shit. And something else that she couldn't quite place. Death, perhaps?”
Mark Tilbury, The Eyes of the Accused

Christopher Brookmyre
“They both looked younger than him, as well as taller, better built and undoubtedly more schooled in the noble art of punching fuck out of people. Nonetheless, younger doesn't necessarily mean faster or fitter, and Parlabane was highly schooled in the arguably less noble art of running away.”
Christopher Brookmyre

Mario Puzo
“Thank God you're poor, Mom.”
Mario Puzo

Ian  Ayris
“I knew today was gonna be bad, but I never got close to this”
Ian Ayris

Stewart Stafford
“The Phantastic Phantasms by Stewart Stafford

Halloween Henry sitting on top of a pumpkin he made

Eyes are ablaze

Morbid Melissa breastfeeding strychnine to all of the babes

Her smile never fades

Don’t you see that darkness creeping?

It’s a nightmare without sleeping

Trick-or-Treat Trevor knocking on doors with no head to display

It’s his headless way

Emmet The Clownface

Haunting the grounds of an old children’s school

He’s nobody’s ghoul

On a carpet of Autumn leaves

They’re around every All Hallow’s Eve

Sam O’Terry counting the bones of his earthly remains

None of them lame

Simon-Whose-Head-Hurts taking his 920th overdose

Chemically verbose

They will always do their worst

On October the 31st

©Stewart Stafford, 2018. All rights reserved.”
Stewart Stafford

Andrzej Sapkowski
“They only kidnap elven pups and only harm elves, which is good in itself, for the more harm is done to non-humans, the greater the benefits for real folk. But she-foxes are monsters, and monsters should be exterminated, destroyed, should be wiped out as a race. You live from that, after all, Witcher, you contribute to it. And I hope you won’t bear us a grudge either that we’re contributing to the extermination of monsters. But, it seems to me, these digressions are in vain. You wanted explanations; you’ve got them. You know now what you’re being hired to do and against what … against what you have to defend us.” “No offence, but your explanations are as foggy as urine from an infected bladder,” Geralt commented calmly. “And the loftiness of your expedition’s goal is as dubious as a maiden’s virginity after a village fête. But that’s your business. It’s my job to advise you that the only way to defend yourself against an aguara is to stay well away from it. Mr. van Vliet?” “Yes?” “Return home.”
Andrzej Sapkowski, Der letzte Wunsch - Zeit des Sturms - Das Schwert der Vorsehung

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