Dark Humor Quotes

Quotes tagged as "dark-humor" (showing 1-30 of 272)
Robert Bloch
“Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”
Robert Bloch

Dorothy Parker
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

Jess C. Scott
“I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.”
Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey

Jess C. Scott
“What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”
Jess C. Scott, I'm Pretty

Nick Hornby
“I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

Kelley Armstrong
“I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.”
Kelley Armstrong, Stolen

Brent Weeks
“Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint”
Brent Weeks, The Way of Shadows

Jess C. Scott
“People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”
Jess C. Scott, Literary Heroin (Gluttony): A Twilight Parody

Jeff Lindsay
“I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.”
Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter

Michael Chabon
“Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.”
Michael Chabon

Brent Weeks
“A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint”
Brent Weeks, The Way of Shadows

Alan Bradley
“I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.”
Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag

Fall Out Boy
“The rest of us can find happiness in misery.”
Fall Out Boy

Jess C. Scott
“One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies.

“They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.”
Jess C. Scott, The Devilin Fey

Terry Pratchett
“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

Jay Wickre
“When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day.”
Jay Wickre

“A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”
Brian P. Cleary

Lemony Snicket
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing” is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don’t know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.”
Lemony Snicket

Dan Wells
“It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver”
Dan Wells, I Am Not a Serial Killer

Darynda Jones
“He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?”
“You knew about the guy threatening my dad?”
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?”
“Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.”
Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

Frankie Boyle
“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”
Frankie Boyle

Gena Showalter
“Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.
'One of ours?' Maddox insisted...
'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed.”
Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night

Dave Barry
“Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”
Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
Nick Helm

Shirley Jackson
“I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.'
'I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance.”
Shirley Jackson, We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Brent Weeks
“Your Majesty,” Durzo said gravely. “A man of your stature’s cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears.” - Durzo Blint”
Brent Weeks, The Way of Shadows

Laurell K. Hamilton
“It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli”
Laurell K. Hamilton, Bullet

Tom Upton
“All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.”
Tom Upton, Hellhounds

Jeff Lindsay
“It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being.
Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO.
The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile.
What a scamp.”
Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter

“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.”
James Hetfield

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