Dark Humor Quotes

Quotes tagged as "dark-humor" Showing 1-30 of 360
Robert Bloch
“Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.”
Robert Bloch

Dorothy Parker
Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live.”
Dorothy Parker, Enough Rope

“I envy people that know love. That have someone who takes them as they are.”
Jess C Scott, The Devilin Fey

“What's the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?”
Jess C. Scott, I'm Pretty

Nick Hornby
“I've committed to nothing...and that's just suicide...by tiny, tiny increments.”
Nick Hornby, High Fidelity

Kelley Armstrong
“I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them.”
Kelley Armstrong, Stolen

Brent Weeks
“Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint”
Brent Weeks, The Way of Shadows

“People are sheep. TV is the shepherd.”
Jess C. Scott, Literary Heroin (Gluttony): A Twilight Parody

Michael Chabon
“Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.”
Michael Chabon

Alan Bradley
“I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.”
Alan Bradley, The Weed That Strings the Hangman's Bag

Jeff Lindsay
“I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw.”
Jeff Lindsay, Dearly Devoted Dexter

Terry Pratchett
“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”
Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

Brent Weeks
“A man’s greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint”
Brent Weeks, The Way of Shadows

Fall Out Boy
“The rest of us can find happiness in misery.”
Fall Out Boy

“One hand was behind his back, and he held it out, presenting a bouquet of white and smoky purple lilies.

“They’re straight from the underworld, by the way. They are everlasting. They won’t die.”
Jess C Scott, The Devilin Fey

Brian P. Cleary
“A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.”
Brian P Cleary

Lemony Snicket
“The right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing” is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don’t know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep.”
Lemony Snicket

Gillian Flynn
“Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again.”
Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

Dan Wells
“It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right - John Cleaver”
Dan Wells, I Am Not a Serial Killer

Darynda Jones
“He took a long draw then asked, “What’d I do?”
“You knew about the guy threatening my dad?”
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn’t funny. “They told you?”
“Why, no, Swopes, they didn’t. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher’s knife.”
Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

Frankie Boyle
“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”
Frankie Boyle

Gena Showalter
“Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.
'One of ours?' Maddox insisted...
'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed.”
Gena Showalter, The Darkest Night

Shirley Jackson
“I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.'
'I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance.”
Shirley Jackson, We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Dave Barry
“Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation, causing the Sport Utility Vehicle of Progress to crash into the Ditch of Despair.”
Dave Barry, Dave Barry's History of the Millennium

Terry Pratchett
“You have the effrontery to be squeamish, it thought at him. But we were dragons. We were supposed to be cruel, cunning, heartless and terrible. But this much I can tell you, you ape – the great face pressed even closer, so that Wonse was staring into the pitiless depths of his eyes – we never burned and tortured and ripped one another apart and called it morality.”
Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

Ankita Singhal
“Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.”
Ankita Singhal

Laurell K. Hamilton
“It's better to be loved than feared, but if you can't be loved, then fear will do.-Dino quoting Machiavelli”
Laurell K. Hamilton, Bullet

“It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.”
James Hetfield

Holly Black
“After all, who wants to die slowly when you can die fast? Me.”
Holly Black, The Queen of Nothing

Jeff Lindsay
“It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being.
Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO.
The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile.
What a scamp.”
Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter

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