Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 49
November 16, 2014
How to Overcome Self-Doubt
“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt.” - William Shakespeare
Taming the monkey mind
It’s an all too common experience - the silent, yet incessant self-doubt which inhabits your mind, combined with the stream of destructive thoughts which accompany it.
The voice repeatedly commands your attention, while reminding you of your inherent weaknesses. The ceaseless inner dialogue knows no boundaries until it has completely overwhelmed you. In that very moment you have surrendered, knowing it has taken hold of you once more.
Welcome to self-doubt, the intimidating inner critic and modest detractor determined to undermine your success. Despite your best intentions to overpower the crippling self-talk, it seems futile as it sustains its hold on you. Why won’t it leave you alone you often wonder?
You cannot remove doubt any more than trying to eliminate negative thoughts. Doubts are woven into our psyche during childhood as we learned to integrate into our surroundings. Similarly what begins as the voice of reason echoed through loved ones, soon becomes the doubtful inner critic given the passage of time.
Did you know that by the time you reach adulthood, you would have heard the word ‘NO’ repeated 50,000 times throughout your life? In contrast the word ‘YES’ is only heard 7,000 times. It is no wonder doubt manages to weave its way into our minds with such intensity.
We are notorious for falsifying inaccurate tales about ourselves. Doubt is one such story often repeated through adulthood. Whilst it is healthy to entertain doubt from time to time, being at the mercy of the debilitating thought is not conducive toward living a fulfilling life.
In a similar vein, doubt can become self-deprecating while wreaking havoc with your personal confidence if left unchecked.
“Willpower is the key to success. Successful people strive no matter what they feel by applying their will to overcome apathy, doubt or fear.” - Dan Millman
Feeding the doubt
It is worth repeating that self-doubt requires examination if it prevents you from living an enriching life.
It is apparent that a growing number of people are quite content to shy away from honouring their highest potential. They conceal their emotions deep within, hoping they will miraculously vanish, and no, these same people are not confined to the male class either.
Unfortunately as time passes by, the buried emotions may resurface in the form of illness, destructive relationships, addiction to substances or untoward behaviour, etc.
In his book Spontaneous Evolution, author Bruce Lipton states that 95% of our behaviour is controlled by our subconscious mind. In many ways our behaviour is reflected in the blind decisions we make every day without a moment’s consideration. Reflect on how much of your daily life’s decisions are automated – that is devoid of conscious intent?
In another example, author Michael S. Gazzaniga further illuminates this point in his book, Who’s In Charge: Free Will and The Science of The Brain. As a neuroscientist investigating split brain personality, he offers the following observation about the choices we make, “That you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behaviour as it can incorporate and it denies or rationalizes the rest.”
Overcoming the inner critic
A great deal of articles, books and resources have been written about self-doubt in recent times. Most apply the term conquering doubt rather dismissively, likening it to overcoming a setback. It may benefit you to reframe doubt as an integrated aspect of your nature – since it resides within your shadow self. You needn’t deny aspects of yourself, for that which you resist continues to persist.
Overcoming self-doubt requires taking affirmative action while being attentive to the inner critic – that is, you choose to take action in spite of the doubt.
In a recent documentary highlighting the sport of accelerated free falling, the jumper was asked by a reporter if he entertained fear prior to his jumps. He reassured the reporter that fear was present during every jump and served to remind him of the inherent dangers associated with the sport. He managed fear by choosing to turn down the volume on it so as not to overwhelm him.
Which leads us to examine the purpose of self-doubt afterall? Does it serve to mask a repressed aspect of oneself?
Take a moment to consider the spectrum of doubt inherent in your life. What tools or resources do you frequently call upon to navigate self-doubt when it emerges? It should be stated that doubt is merely a self-imposed speed bump in your life’s journey. As you know speed bumps are intended to slow you down, not halt your progress.
If self-doubt is wreaking havoc in your life, you may wish to reconnect with your vision or purpose. Your vision cannot be obscured by obstacles.
Attributing self-blame in relation to past failures leads to more of the same destructive thoughts. Instead, choose affirmative action with respect to your goals and attend to your doubts with self-compassion. It is your responsibility to reconcile them in a peaceful manner free of guilt.
Remember, your journey towards inner peace and fulfillment is lined with many detours. Embrace your challenges with attentiveness and enthusiasm.
You’ve heard it said that it isn’t the goal that fuels our desire. It is the journey towards whom we become that ignites our passion and sustains us in attaining inner victory.
Taming the monkey mind
It’s an all too common experience - the silent, yet incessant self-doubt which inhabits your mind, combined with the stream of destructive thoughts which accompany it.
The voice repeatedly commands your attention, while reminding you of your inherent weaknesses. The ceaseless inner dialogue knows no boundaries until it has completely overwhelmed you. In that very moment you have surrendered, knowing it has taken hold of you once more.
Welcome to self-doubt, the intimidating inner critic and modest detractor determined to undermine your success. Despite your best intentions to overpower the crippling self-talk, it seems futile as it sustains its hold on you. Why won’t it leave you alone you often wonder?
You cannot remove doubt any more than trying to eliminate negative thoughts. Doubts are woven into our psyche during childhood as we learned to integrate into our surroundings. Similarly what begins as the voice of reason echoed through loved ones, soon becomes the doubtful inner critic given the passage of time.
Did you know that by the time you reach adulthood, you would have heard the word ‘NO’ repeated 50,000 times throughout your life? In contrast the word ‘YES’ is only heard 7,000 times. It is no wonder doubt manages to weave its way into our minds with such intensity.
We are notorious for falsifying inaccurate tales about ourselves. Doubt is one such story often repeated through adulthood. Whilst it is healthy to entertain doubt from time to time, being at the mercy of the debilitating thought is not conducive toward living a fulfilling life.
In a similar vein, doubt can become self-deprecating while wreaking havoc with your personal confidence if left unchecked.
“Willpower is the key to success. Successful people strive no matter what they feel by applying their will to overcome apathy, doubt or fear.” - Dan Millman
Feeding the doubt
It is worth repeating that self-doubt requires examination if it prevents you from living an enriching life.
It is apparent that a growing number of people are quite content to shy away from honouring their highest potential. They conceal their emotions deep within, hoping they will miraculously vanish, and no, these same people are not confined to the male class either.
Unfortunately as time passes by, the buried emotions may resurface in the form of illness, destructive relationships, addiction to substances or untoward behaviour, etc.
In his book Spontaneous Evolution, author Bruce Lipton states that 95% of our behaviour is controlled by our subconscious mind. In many ways our behaviour is reflected in the blind decisions we make every day without a moment’s consideration. Reflect on how much of your daily life’s decisions are automated – that is devoid of conscious intent?
In another example, author Michael S. Gazzaniga further illuminates this point in his book, Who’s In Charge: Free Will and The Science of The Brain. As a neuroscientist investigating split brain personality, he offers the following observation about the choices we make, “That you are so proud of is a story woven together by your interpreter module to account for as much of your behaviour as it can incorporate and it denies or rationalizes the rest.”
Overcoming the inner critic
A great deal of articles, books and resources have been written about self-doubt in recent times. Most apply the term conquering doubt rather dismissively, likening it to overcoming a setback. It may benefit you to reframe doubt as an integrated aspect of your nature – since it resides within your shadow self. You needn’t deny aspects of yourself, for that which you resist continues to persist.
Overcoming self-doubt requires taking affirmative action while being attentive to the inner critic – that is, you choose to take action in spite of the doubt.
In a recent documentary highlighting the sport of accelerated free falling, the jumper was asked by a reporter if he entertained fear prior to his jumps. He reassured the reporter that fear was present during every jump and served to remind him of the inherent dangers associated with the sport. He managed fear by choosing to turn down the volume on it so as not to overwhelm him.
Which leads us to examine the purpose of self-doubt afterall? Does it serve to mask a repressed aspect of oneself?
Take a moment to consider the spectrum of doubt inherent in your life. What tools or resources do you frequently call upon to navigate self-doubt when it emerges? It should be stated that doubt is merely a self-imposed speed bump in your life’s journey. As you know speed bumps are intended to slow you down, not halt your progress.
If self-doubt is wreaking havoc in your life, you may wish to reconnect with your vision or purpose. Your vision cannot be obscured by obstacles.
Attributing self-blame in relation to past failures leads to more of the same destructive thoughts. Instead, choose affirmative action with respect to your goals and attend to your doubts with self-compassion. It is your responsibility to reconcile them in a peaceful manner free of guilt.
Remember, your journey towards inner peace and fulfillment is lined with many detours. Embrace your challenges with attentiveness and enthusiasm.
You’ve heard it said that it isn’t the goal that fuels our desire. It is the journey towards whom we become that ignites our passion and sustains us in attaining inner victory.
October 13, 2014
What Goes Around Comes Around
“Karma moves in two directions. If we act virtuously, the seed we plant will result in happiness. If we act non-virtuously, suffering results.” - Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche
Saving a Life
The Law of Karma
For many the notion of karma is a common theme permeating throughout life. The adage ‘what goes around comes around’ is strongly identified by those who have been unjustly treated. The understanding that dishonest acts against others will eventually catch up to the offender is strongly acknowledged.
Karma is far more complicated and yet simpler than that. Karma functions within the backdrop of our lives. Newton’s Third Law states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. There is a cause and effect, so that every action creates another reaction which in turn produces a new counteraction. Thus an endless chain of actions and reactions is created.
In a similar vein to Newton’s Law, the butterfly effect formulated by the American mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz affirms, “When a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another.” Lorenz was unifying the idea that events within the cosmos have a ripple effect, which extends beyond the latitude of space and time.
Closer to home, karma’s actions have a ripple and boomerang effect within your life and the lives of others. Karma is simply the exchange of energy from one form to another. It should be viewed as neither good nor bad, since it allows us to assume purposeful action if we are to balance out karma in our lives.
“Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.” - Tryon Edwards
Letting Go Of The Past
In the same way, karmic clutter is the accumulation of past unresolved matters which have stuck with you. You have not balanced out the karma and thus invite the negative consequences of past actions in to the present moment.
Accordingly as you heal the emotional baggage associated with anger, frustration and disappointment by reconciling them with peace and love, balance is upheld. From this viewpoint, karma serves as the preservation of balance – no debt goes unpaid, no act of admirable service is turned a blind eye to. Our actions are supported within the moral landscape of, “Do unto others what you would have done unto yourself.”
However well-meaning your intentions are, upholding your moral duties does not assume others will return your goodwill. We are all endowed with free will, and how others treat you, accordingly, becomes their karma. For we are repeatedly writing the script of our karmic destiny through our actions.
In the scheme of things, bad things happen to good people every day. Our obligation is to live in accordance with our highest moral code, since it allows us to become a righteous population. We can become victims of our choices or write an empowering moral script for the future.
It begs the question then, “Does the universe have its origins vested in goodness?” I hold firm that the underlying structure governing the laws of the universe are centred within the foundations of love – which is the highest functioning order. Good deeds are returned in any number of ways when your intentions are honourable and entrusted with love.
The universe is endlessly eavesdropping on your actions, with the intent of balancing out the exchange of energy. It was the Greek physicist-philosopher Parmenides who stated that nature abhors a vacuum. Which means, as you let go of the old (thoughts, beliefs, energy, ideas, and toxic emotions), the universe rushes in to fill the void.
As energy is repaid through favourable action, you abide by universal forces when you act in accordance with Nature. Think of universal forces as observing road and traffic laws; everything flows seamlessly when there is order instead of chaos.
Writing a New Karmic Script
Have you noticed how some people effortlessly attract all their desires in a stress-free manner, whilst others always seem to struggle? It might be said that those same people are working with the laws of karma in a conducive manner.
On a personal level as I honour my path in life, I harness the law of karma to function in a meaningful way. Wisdom has shown me that when I am wronged against, rather than seek revenge, I trust karma to balance any improper actions towards me or others.
It is not my place to enact retribution or revenge – my karma is simply to play my role within the container of universal order. It is Dr Wayne Dyer who reminds us to uphold this standard in the following quote, “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
Life is neither fair nor unfair – evaluating life according to this way of thinking fails to acknowledge the harmonious relationship life obliges us with when we play by her rules.
You have the wherewithal to change your future karma through awareness gained within the present moment. Do not be directed by subconscious actions alone. Be mindful, present and aware of your choices.
In closing, I leave you with the following aphorism by the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”
Saving a Life
The Law of Karma
For many the notion of karma is a common theme permeating throughout life. The adage ‘what goes around comes around’ is strongly identified by those who have been unjustly treated. The understanding that dishonest acts against others will eventually catch up to the offender is strongly acknowledged.
Karma is far more complicated and yet simpler than that. Karma functions within the backdrop of our lives. Newton’s Third Law states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. There is a cause and effect, so that every action creates another reaction which in turn produces a new counteraction. Thus an endless chain of actions and reactions is created.
In a similar vein to Newton’s Law, the butterfly effect formulated by the American mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz affirms, “When a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another.” Lorenz was unifying the idea that events within the cosmos have a ripple effect, which extends beyond the latitude of space and time.
Closer to home, karma’s actions have a ripple and boomerang effect within your life and the lives of others. Karma is simply the exchange of energy from one form to another. It should be viewed as neither good nor bad, since it allows us to assume purposeful action if we are to balance out karma in our lives.
“Thoughts lead on to purposes; purposes go forth in action; actions form habits; habits decide character; and character fixes our destiny.” - Tryon Edwards
Letting Go Of The Past
In the same way, karmic clutter is the accumulation of past unresolved matters which have stuck with you. You have not balanced out the karma and thus invite the negative consequences of past actions in to the present moment.
Accordingly as you heal the emotional baggage associated with anger, frustration and disappointment by reconciling them with peace and love, balance is upheld. From this viewpoint, karma serves as the preservation of balance – no debt goes unpaid, no act of admirable service is turned a blind eye to. Our actions are supported within the moral landscape of, “Do unto others what you would have done unto yourself.”
However well-meaning your intentions are, upholding your moral duties does not assume others will return your goodwill. We are all endowed with free will, and how others treat you, accordingly, becomes their karma. For we are repeatedly writing the script of our karmic destiny through our actions.
In the scheme of things, bad things happen to good people every day. Our obligation is to live in accordance with our highest moral code, since it allows us to become a righteous population. We can become victims of our choices or write an empowering moral script for the future.
It begs the question then, “Does the universe have its origins vested in goodness?” I hold firm that the underlying structure governing the laws of the universe are centred within the foundations of love – which is the highest functioning order. Good deeds are returned in any number of ways when your intentions are honourable and entrusted with love.
The universe is endlessly eavesdropping on your actions, with the intent of balancing out the exchange of energy. It was the Greek physicist-philosopher Parmenides who stated that nature abhors a vacuum. Which means, as you let go of the old (thoughts, beliefs, energy, ideas, and toxic emotions), the universe rushes in to fill the void.
As energy is repaid through favourable action, you abide by universal forces when you act in accordance with Nature. Think of universal forces as observing road and traffic laws; everything flows seamlessly when there is order instead of chaos.
Writing a New Karmic Script
Have you noticed how some people effortlessly attract all their desires in a stress-free manner, whilst others always seem to struggle? It might be said that those same people are working with the laws of karma in a conducive manner.
On a personal level as I honour my path in life, I harness the law of karma to function in a meaningful way. Wisdom has shown me that when I am wronged against, rather than seek revenge, I trust karma to balance any improper actions towards me or others.
It is not my place to enact retribution or revenge – my karma is simply to play my role within the container of universal order. It is Dr Wayne Dyer who reminds us to uphold this standard in the following quote, “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”
Life is neither fair nor unfair – evaluating life according to this way of thinking fails to acknowledge the harmonious relationship life obliges us with when we play by her rules.
You have the wherewithal to change your future karma through awareness gained within the present moment. Do not be directed by subconscious actions alone. Be mindful, present and aware of your choices.
In closing, I leave you with the following aphorism by the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”
September 29, 2014
How to Stay Motivated
“We must have a pure, honest, and warm-hearted motivation, and on top of that, determination, optimism, hope, and the ability not to be discouraged. The whole of humanity depends on this motivation.” - The 14th Dalai Lama
What does motivation represent to you? How do you motivate yourself? Do you require constant motivation? I want you to consider these questions throughout this article.
Motivation has come to embody a pivotal role in people’s lives within the developed world. Those from non-English speaking countries often lament how lazy we are in English speaking countries. Work ethic remains consistently high within the Asian and European countries. This cultural ethos is passed down from generations and instilled in their young.
Motivation implies one is lacking in this virtue. I gained an exhaustive education in motivation at the mercy of highly motivated parents. They were working class immigrants who arrived in Australia shortly after being married. Like many other migrants who settled early in the sixties, they worked hard to provide a quality of life for their loved ones. However, the idea of motivation still remains a non-descript term for my mother. I cannot recall a time in her life when she needed motivation.
Motivation stems from two main principles: desire and will. It encompasses a purposeful intent to give life to an aspect of one’s personal character.
I hold firm to the belief that you cannot motivate other people if they are lacking in desire and will. Rather you may inspire them, or as the idiom reminds us, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
Recall an experience where you had to motivate someone against their will. No doubt there’s been an instance where a friend, family member or loved one required a gentle nudge. Was it a challenge to motivate them? Did they achieve their desired outcome?
An aspect of my work entails working with individuals as well as small to large groups. My duty of care is to inspire my clients by guiding them to explore their talents and inner resources. Over the years the more I sought to motivate a person, the less likely they were to achieve their chosen result. Motivating a person devoid of inspiration is futile in the long run, since there is no inherent drive arising from within.
Many of my regular clients present themselves to training since they have sought the motivation to do so long ago. Anyone who gets out of bed at 5am in the morning to exercise is motivated. I am simply providing the medium and the expertise to deliver a directed training program tailored to their specific goals. They are clear on their health goals. They simply require the expertise and know-how to deliver results.
I may often provide them with sources of inspiration as the going gets tough. Due to their hectic work-life schedules, many of them find it difficult to exercise consistently, while simultaneously remaining motivated.
So how do you attain motivation to achieve any number of goals? Listed below are three useful summaries for acquiring motivation when experiencing a brief lapse in enthusiasm.
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” - Lou Holtz
1. What is holding you back?: This may be a crucial question to consider for overcoming a lack of motivation. Remaining stuck is an indicator that you have plateaued or reached your highest point in your journey. Perhaps you have hit a sticking point in relation to exercise, nutrition or other personal matters and require expert assistance to guide you to the next phase. Exchange ideas with people whom you trust and have a sympathetic ear to your plight. Seek the advice of those who have walked the path before you.
2. A blessing in disguise: In his book Way of the Peaceful Warrior, author Dan Millman reminds us that our setbacks may be paving the way for something greater, “When we feel stuck, going nowhere - even starting to slip backward - we may actually be backing up to get a running start.” What may initially appear like failure on first impression might in fact be your greatest opportunity for success. Oftentimes being stuck serves to prompt you to find a way out of your dilemma. When you meet with painful moments, the mind hastily signals its aversion for this state and seeks to find a way through. Your mind is habituated toward seeking pleasure, not pain.
3. One step at a time: We are lured in to a false promise that when we acquire something or someone, we will be happy and fulfilled. This inaccurate way of thinking conditions your mind to neglect the most important process which lies in-between, i.e. the journey. I am reminding you to enjoy the journey by reconnecting with the purpose of your pursuit. Your journey entails the people you meet, the friendships formed, the person you become, the knowledge you acquire and the lessons gained. Without these significant measures, you risk becoming an unfulfilled somebody waiting for the next adventure. Following this line of thought, you are continually arriving at your destination instead of striving.
Wherever you are in your life’s journey, take some time out to reflect on how far you have come. Examine the root cause of your suffering and where necessary, make adjustments to your goals as required. Don’t be fixed on HOW you will achieve your goals or plans - be open and flexible. You’ll know you’re on the right track when your goals begin to manifest with ease and perfection.
What does motivation represent to you? How do you motivate yourself? Do you require constant motivation? I want you to consider these questions throughout this article.
Motivation has come to embody a pivotal role in people’s lives within the developed world. Those from non-English speaking countries often lament how lazy we are in English speaking countries. Work ethic remains consistently high within the Asian and European countries. This cultural ethos is passed down from generations and instilled in their young.
Motivation implies one is lacking in this virtue. I gained an exhaustive education in motivation at the mercy of highly motivated parents. They were working class immigrants who arrived in Australia shortly after being married. Like many other migrants who settled early in the sixties, they worked hard to provide a quality of life for their loved ones. However, the idea of motivation still remains a non-descript term for my mother. I cannot recall a time in her life when she needed motivation.
Motivation stems from two main principles: desire and will. It encompasses a purposeful intent to give life to an aspect of one’s personal character.
I hold firm to the belief that you cannot motivate other people if they are lacking in desire and will. Rather you may inspire them, or as the idiom reminds us, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
Recall an experience where you had to motivate someone against their will. No doubt there’s been an instance where a friend, family member or loved one required a gentle nudge. Was it a challenge to motivate them? Did they achieve their desired outcome?
An aspect of my work entails working with individuals as well as small to large groups. My duty of care is to inspire my clients by guiding them to explore their talents and inner resources. Over the years the more I sought to motivate a person, the less likely they were to achieve their chosen result. Motivating a person devoid of inspiration is futile in the long run, since there is no inherent drive arising from within.
Many of my regular clients present themselves to training since they have sought the motivation to do so long ago. Anyone who gets out of bed at 5am in the morning to exercise is motivated. I am simply providing the medium and the expertise to deliver a directed training program tailored to their specific goals. They are clear on their health goals. They simply require the expertise and know-how to deliver results.
I may often provide them with sources of inspiration as the going gets tough. Due to their hectic work-life schedules, many of them find it difficult to exercise consistently, while simultaneously remaining motivated.
So how do you attain motivation to achieve any number of goals? Listed below are three useful summaries for acquiring motivation when experiencing a brief lapse in enthusiasm.
“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” - Lou Holtz
1. What is holding you back?: This may be a crucial question to consider for overcoming a lack of motivation. Remaining stuck is an indicator that you have plateaued or reached your highest point in your journey. Perhaps you have hit a sticking point in relation to exercise, nutrition or other personal matters and require expert assistance to guide you to the next phase. Exchange ideas with people whom you trust and have a sympathetic ear to your plight. Seek the advice of those who have walked the path before you.
2. A blessing in disguise: In his book Way of the Peaceful Warrior, author Dan Millman reminds us that our setbacks may be paving the way for something greater, “When we feel stuck, going nowhere - even starting to slip backward - we may actually be backing up to get a running start.” What may initially appear like failure on first impression might in fact be your greatest opportunity for success. Oftentimes being stuck serves to prompt you to find a way out of your dilemma. When you meet with painful moments, the mind hastily signals its aversion for this state and seeks to find a way through. Your mind is habituated toward seeking pleasure, not pain.
3. One step at a time: We are lured in to a false promise that when we acquire something or someone, we will be happy and fulfilled. This inaccurate way of thinking conditions your mind to neglect the most important process which lies in-between, i.e. the journey. I am reminding you to enjoy the journey by reconnecting with the purpose of your pursuit. Your journey entails the people you meet, the friendships formed, the person you become, the knowledge you acquire and the lessons gained. Without these significant measures, you risk becoming an unfulfilled somebody waiting for the next adventure. Following this line of thought, you are continually arriving at your destination instead of striving.
Wherever you are in your life’s journey, take some time out to reflect on how far you have come. Examine the root cause of your suffering and where necessary, make adjustments to your goals as required. Don’t be fixed on HOW you will achieve your goals or plans - be open and flexible. You’ll know you’re on the right track when your goals begin to manifest with ease and perfection.
August 17, 2014
Rejection Is Not About You
“Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Don Miguel Ruiz
Reconcile With Your Self-Esteem
Your heart throbs rapidly, appearing to grow faster by the minute. In a matter of seconds the uncomfortable sensation to flee your body has taken hold. The rejection coursing through you is now palpable; a dull piercing pain in the pit of your stomach which quickly rises into your chest.
Rejection is an all too common experience many cross paths with. Notwithstanding the emotional trauma, rejection can teach us vital life lessons if we are willing to heed its call. Rejection strikes at the heart of one’s self-esteem. Our fight or flight system is activated within seconds, while the brain struggles to make sense of the situation.
Whilst I have titled this article rejection is not about you, one would be forgiven for thinking otherwise when caught up in the ensuing emotions. However, in owing to the theme rejection is rarely about you and more in keeping with the person offering the rejection.
Rejection is not intended to crush your self-esteem, since the other person rarely has a complete picture of who you really are.
As we wrestle our inner battles, seldom do we consider the feelings of others. Each of us is managing their own inner demons, which is a substantial task of its own. To be mindful of other people’s feelings as well as our own can be stifling, since we have a limited understanding of what lies beneath the surface of others. What you see is not what you get as it relates to one’s emotional constitution.
In order to deal with rejection in a healthy way, it is vital that we acquire a degree of emotional intelligence. If handled with care, rejection may be reframed within an enlightened context. This does not underscore the underlying feelings which abound from being rejected. How you DEAL with rejection should be your primary motivation, since if left untreated it can embitter one’s emotional wellbeing in countless ways.
A unique approach for dealing with rejection is to consider it a process of putting yourself out there, i.e. dating, job opportunities, sporting competition, music performance, etc.
Many people regrettably turn rejection inward via a contracting self-worth. In many instances, rejection triggers unresolved childhood traumas which have not been adequately confronted. Turning the rejection inward, the recipient lays blame on oneself, believing they are lacking in some way.
Invariably the person takes to dissecting their flaws and insecurities, rather than evaluate the rejection as an opportunity to move forward.
Let me be clear – rejection is not your fault. Those who are not rejected are either lying in a coffin underground or sitting at home watching the evening news as armchair critics. Our focus is to accept rejection in light of forward progress, thus creating an empowering inner dialogue.
Transform Your Inner Dialogue
Reframing rejection does not deny you of your feelings. It reasons that you transform those feelings into useful and empowering states. Rather than dwell on the rejection by ascribing it to your self-esteem, you choose to see it as part of the process of exposing yourself to new opportunities. Viewed in this context, not only do you encourage a healthy mental focus, you consent to the ensuing emotions of rejection to pass through you instead of holding on to them.
Rejection can gnaw itself within the mind and body by creating unhealthy emotions if left untreated. The tendency to be victimised and turn the rejection on oneself, lies at the heart of why rejection needs to be attended to rather than left to heal on its own.
“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.” – Harvey Mackay
The following points are prompts to help you steer your way through rejection.
1. Oftentimes rejection is simply a way of communicating, “No thanks, this is not for me right now.” Rejection pertains to the choices of the other person. They are tending to their own needs and desires first, rather than cause others emotional distress.
2. Ask yourself the following questions to help you deal with the thoughts and feelings which accompany rejection:
“How can I turn this rejection into an empowering state?”
“Am I really being rejected or am I self-imposing unresolved emotions?”
“Who do I need to become to be more valuable to others?”
“Why do I feel hurt by these feelings of rejection?
“Is there something else beneath the surface that I must attend to?”
3. There is an aphorism that states no one can reject you unless you give them the power to do so. Therefore the only dependable way of handling rejection is to REFRAME it. Regrettably despite people’s best intentions, the use of positive thinking is of little value since it creates a DETOUR for your thoughts. You are negating thoughts associated with rejection by masking them with positive thinking. We all know that what you resist – persists.
4. Assess the rejection as an opportunity to look deep within yourself. Sometimes rejection can be a hidden blessing re-routing you to a new and better opportunity. Don’t wallow in self-pity for too long – pick up your bootstraps and continue ahead.
In closing, rejection is inevitable if we are to live a rich and authentic life. When we put ourselves on the line, rejection is an inevitable event which helps us identify our true wants and needs.
Rejection serves to remind us that at a deeper level, no one has the authority to reject us if we don’t give them power to do so.
Reconcile With Your Self-Esteem
Your heart throbs rapidly, appearing to grow faster by the minute. In a matter of seconds the uncomfortable sensation to flee your body has taken hold. The rejection coursing through you is now palpable; a dull piercing pain in the pit of your stomach which quickly rises into your chest.
Rejection is an all too common experience many cross paths with. Notwithstanding the emotional trauma, rejection can teach us vital life lessons if we are willing to heed its call. Rejection strikes at the heart of one’s self-esteem. Our fight or flight system is activated within seconds, while the brain struggles to make sense of the situation.
Whilst I have titled this article rejection is not about you, one would be forgiven for thinking otherwise when caught up in the ensuing emotions. However, in owing to the theme rejection is rarely about you and more in keeping with the person offering the rejection.
Rejection is not intended to crush your self-esteem, since the other person rarely has a complete picture of who you really are.
As we wrestle our inner battles, seldom do we consider the feelings of others. Each of us is managing their own inner demons, which is a substantial task of its own. To be mindful of other people’s feelings as well as our own can be stifling, since we have a limited understanding of what lies beneath the surface of others. What you see is not what you get as it relates to one’s emotional constitution.
In order to deal with rejection in a healthy way, it is vital that we acquire a degree of emotional intelligence. If handled with care, rejection may be reframed within an enlightened context. This does not underscore the underlying feelings which abound from being rejected. How you DEAL with rejection should be your primary motivation, since if left untreated it can embitter one’s emotional wellbeing in countless ways.
A unique approach for dealing with rejection is to consider it a process of putting yourself out there, i.e. dating, job opportunities, sporting competition, music performance, etc.
Many people regrettably turn rejection inward via a contracting self-worth. In many instances, rejection triggers unresolved childhood traumas which have not been adequately confronted. Turning the rejection inward, the recipient lays blame on oneself, believing they are lacking in some way.
Invariably the person takes to dissecting their flaws and insecurities, rather than evaluate the rejection as an opportunity to move forward.
Let me be clear – rejection is not your fault. Those who are not rejected are either lying in a coffin underground or sitting at home watching the evening news as armchair critics. Our focus is to accept rejection in light of forward progress, thus creating an empowering inner dialogue.
Transform Your Inner Dialogue
Reframing rejection does not deny you of your feelings. It reasons that you transform those feelings into useful and empowering states. Rather than dwell on the rejection by ascribing it to your self-esteem, you choose to see it as part of the process of exposing yourself to new opportunities. Viewed in this context, not only do you encourage a healthy mental focus, you consent to the ensuing emotions of rejection to pass through you instead of holding on to them.
Rejection can gnaw itself within the mind and body by creating unhealthy emotions if left untreated. The tendency to be victimised and turn the rejection on oneself, lies at the heart of why rejection needs to be attended to rather than left to heal on its own.
“Most fears of rejection rest on the desire for approval from other people. Don't base your self-esteem on their opinions.” – Harvey Mackay
The following points are prompts to help you steer your way through rejection.
1. Oftentimes rejection is simply a way of communicating, “No thanks, this is not for me right now.” Rejection pertains to the choices of the other person. They are tending to their own needs and desires first, rather than cause others emotional distress.
2. Ask yourself the following questions to help you deal with the thoughts and feelings which accompany rejection:
“How can I turn this rejection into an empowering state?”
“Am I really being rejected or am I self-imposing unresolved emotions?”
“Who do I need to become to be more valuable to others?”
“Why do I feel hurt by these feelings of rejection?
“Is there something else beneath the surface that I must attend to?”
3. There is an aphorism that states no one can reject you unless you give them the power to do so. Therefore the only dependable way of handling rejection is to REFRAME it. Regrettably despite people’s best intentions, the use of positive thinking is of little value since it creates a DETOUR for your thoughts. You are negating thoughts associated with rejection by masking them with positive thinking. We all know that what you resist – persists.
4. Assess the rejection as an opportunity to look deep within yourself. Sometimes rejection can be a hidden blessing re-routing you to a new and better opportunity. Don’t wallow in self-pity for too long – pick up your bootstraps and continue ahead.
In closing, rejection is inevitable if we are to live a rich and authentic life. When we put ourselves on the line, rejection is an inevitable event which helps us identify our true wants and needs.
Rejection serves to remind us that at a deeper level, no one has the authority to reject us if we don’t give them power to do so.
August 10, 2014
The Power of Consistency and Persistence
“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.” - Thomas Carlyle
The Measure of Consistency
How many of you can claim with absolute certainty that you have applied consistency and persistence in your daily life with some measure of success? [Cue silence]
Consistency and persistence are two elusive virtues difficult to sustain if not regularly engaged. Let’s take a moment to peer through the lens of what consistency and persistence have to offer.
You've no doubt been well informed of the merits of consistency within a practical approach. Attend any weekend course and I can assure you the instructor will endorse the power of consistency as a key attribute toward accomplishment.
Consistency may be defined as developing discipline in a chosen field, in favour of a favourable outcome. Those who uphold discipline are rewarded with success, since they have harnessed enduring focus through concerted effort.
Let’s be clear while on the subject. Success in this context is not limited to certain areas of life. If losing weight and eating healthy is your primary goal, taking appropriate action steps on a frequent and consistent basis may be considered a success.
Far too many people discount the power of consistent effort towards their goals. Consistency creates powerful neural networks in the brain known as grooving. These grooved neural networks help form strong connections within the brain’s synaptic connections, thus enhancing your concentration on a task or goal.
When one applies intermittent effort to a goal, the brain does not receive sufficient stimuli to form powerful habits. It is the Hebbian theory, introduced by the Canadian psychologist Donald O. Hebb who states that “nerves that fire together, wire together.” With consistent effort, your brain acquires permanent neural connections as a result of prolonged application.
Consistently focussing attention towards your goals allows the brain to lock on to the target. Consistency may be perceived as the ability to sustain continuous effort despite external forces. Ceaseless determination is paramount in order to draw a favourable outcome.
Consistency builds character and sharpens the mind. Consistent people are triumphant. They possess an inner drive which is unyielding. They are firm in their resolve to bring about positive results. They do not compromise by cutting corners or taking the road less travelled. Ultimately this dedication pays off with the rewards that await.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” - Maya Angelou
One final thought on consistency worth mentioning. Consistency is essential in a task-orientated goal since it allows you to trace your results through to completion. For example, many people give up on improving their nutritional and exercise goals as challenges arise.
Following success without a measure of sustain performance is likely to produce ineffectual outcomes. In a number of instances ones desired results may not be visible for some time, particularly when modifying nutritional and exercise goals. Oftentimes events are working in your favour albeit behind the scenes, while laying the foundations for future progress.
Harnessing Persistence
Let us turn our attention now to the power of persistent effort. It should be stated that persistence is a state of mind. It is the hallmark of accomplishment given that persistent people push through pain. Pain refers to the setbacks and roadblocks that are apparent when ploughing ahead. One’s ability to recover from failure and setbacks forms the basis for future success.
Persistence acknowledges the existence of external forces continually acting on us. Such forces have the potential to derail or even hinder one’s progress. The persistent person acknowledges these forces are working against them, yet lingers ahead.
In previous articles, I drew your attention toward establishing a compelling WHY? since I believe it to be a crucial measure of improvement. Persistent people have an indomitable will to succeed, having connected with a persuasive WHY?
Behavioural psychologists have long believed that simply showing up is a sufficient measure towards future success. I hold firm to the belief that showing up is inadequate, since people show up every day to dreary and mundane jobs which they loathe. Whilst the body is present, their minds are on vacation somewhere on a tropical island. Showing up means being present and engaged with absolute intention and purpose.
Another key influence is the power of momentum, which is a formidable ally toward goal attainment. Without momentum, one applies partial effort while anticipating victory. Think back to your last project in which you applied persistence and momentum. I daresay that your efforts were met with ease and perfection, as though you were in Flow.
Momentum is the accelerator driving persistence. As you maintain persistence, momentum takes the wheel to hasten progress. Artists will advise you that every creative pursuit takes a life of its own once commitment has been made, compelling it forward.
In closing, I leave you with a final principle which ties together the power of consistency and persistence known as the compound effect. Author Darren Hardy wrote an insightful book aptly titled The Compound Effect which outlines ways in which success is leveraged through building on consistency and persistence.
According to the author, “The compound effect is the principle of reaping huge rewards from a series of small, smart choices. The most challenging aspect of the compound effect is that we have to keep working away for a while, consistently and efficiently, before we can begin to see the payoff.”
Thus the power of consistency and persistence are two fundamental forces that have the potential to generate powerful and lasting success in all areas of your life.
Use them wisely.
The Measure of Consistency
How many of you can claim with absolute certainty that you have applied consistency and persistence in your daily life with some measure of success? [Cue silence]
Consistency and persistence are two elusive virtues difficult to sustain if not regularly engaged. Let’s take a moment to peer through the lens of what consistency and persistence have to offer.
You've no doubt been well informed of the merits of consistency within a practical approach. Attend any weekend course and I can assure you the instructor will endorse the power of consistency as a key attribute toward accomplishment.
Consistency may be defined as developing discipline in a chosen field, in favour of a favourable outcome. Those who uphold discipline are rewarded with success, since they have harnessed enduring focus through concerted effort.
Let’s be clear while on the subject. Success in this context is not limited to certain areas of life. If losing weight and eating healthy is your primary goal, taking appropriate action steps on a frequent and consistent basis may be considered a success.
Far too many people discount the power of consistent effort towards their goals. Consistency creates powerful neural networks in the brain known as grooving. These grooved neural networks help form strong connections within the brain’s synaptic connections, thus enhancing your concentration on a task or goal.
When one applies intermittent effort to a goal, the brain does not receive sufficient stimuli to form powerful habits. It is the Hebbian theory, introduced by the Canadian psychologist Donald O. Hebb who states that “nerves that fire together, wire together.” With consistent effort, your brain acquires permanent neural connections as a result of prolonged application.
Consistently focussing attention towards your goals allows the brain to lock on to the target. Consistency may be perceived as the ability to sustain continuous effort despite external forces. Ceaseless determination is paramount in order to draw a favourable outcome.
Consistency builds character and sharpens the mind. Consistent people are triumphant. They possess an inner drive which is unyielding. They are firm in their resolve to bring about positive results. They do not compromise by cutting corners or taking the road less travelled. Ultimately this dedication pays off with the rewards that await.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.” - Maya Angelou
One final thought on consistency worth mentioning. Consistency is essential in a task-orientated goal since it allows you to trace your results through to completion. For example, many people give up on improving their nutritional and exercise goals as challenges arise.
Following success without a measure of sustain performance is likely to produce ineffectual outcomes. In a number of instances ones desired results may not be visible for some time, particularly when modifying nutritional and exercise goals. Oftentimes events are working in your favour albeit behind the scenes, while laying the foundations for future progress.
Harnessing Persistence
Let us turn our attention now to the power of persistent effort. It should be stated that persistence is a state of mind. It is the hallmark of accomplishment given that persistent people push through pain. Pain refers to the setbacks and roadblocks that are apparent when ploughing ahead. One’s ability to recover from failure and setbacks forms the basis for future success.
Persistence acknowledges the existence of external forces continually acting on us. Such forces have the potential to derail or even hinder one’s progress. The persistent person acknowledges these forces are working against them, yet lingers ahead.
In previous articles, I drew your attention toward establishing a compelling WHY? since I believe it to be a crucial measure of improvement. Persistent people have an indomitable will to succeed, having connected with a persuasive WHY?
Behavioural psychologists have long believed that simply showing up is a sufficient measure towards future success. I hold firm to the belief that showing up is inadequate, since people show up every day to dreary and mundane jobs which they loathe. Whilst the body is present, their minds are on vacation somewhere on a tropical island. Showing up means being present and engaged with absolute intention and purpose.
Another key influence is the power of momentum, which is a formidable ally toward goal attainment. Without momentum, one applies partial effort while anticipating victory. Think back to your last project in which you applied persistence and momentum. I daresay that your efforts were met with ease and perfection, as though you were in Flow.
Momentum is the accelerator driving persistence. As you maintain persistence, momentum takes the wheel to hasten progress. Artists will advise you that every creative pursuit takes a life of its own once commitment has been made, compelling it forward.
In closing, I leave you with a final principle which ties together the power of consistency and persistence known as the compound effect. Author Darren Hardy wrote an insightful book aptly titled The Compound Effect which outlines ways in which success is leveraged through building on consistency and persistence.
According to the author, “The compound effect is the principle of reaping huge rewards from a series of small, smart choices. The most challenging aspect of the compound effect is that we have to keep working away for a while, consistently and efficiently, before we can begin to see the payoff.”
Thus the power of consistency and persistence are two fundamental forces that have the potential to generate powerful and lasting success in all areas of your life.
Use them wisely.
August 2, 2014
Step into Your Dreams
“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” - Dr. Seuss
Whether you’re starting out or a season veteran, following your dreams remains an elusive yet fulfilling quest. Ask any person who has traded their career to follow an endless dream and they’ll advise you they have not worked a single moment in pursuit of their passion.
Yet for many, chasing one’s dream may be filled with fear and intrepidation. The fear of the unknown is stifling to some. For others, placing trust in a universe that rarely interacts with them can be soul-destroying.
Since early age, children are encouraged to “follow their dreams,” the advice eschewed by parents and teachers alike. Whilst the guidance is well intentioned, there is an apparent shift which takes place by middle school.
High school counsellors are quick to recommend one pursue a course of study streamed in maths, science, arts or humanities. Given university entrance scores depend largely on final year high school grades, it makes sense to shift the focus from ‘dreams’ to grades.
Therefore, as teenagers approach their formidable years of educational life, the nostalgia of pursuing dreams shifts towards a fixed reality. Almost overnight the notion of following your bliss, as the American mythologist Joseph Campbell so eloquently conveyed, is extinguished.
Nevertheless whether you’re starting out or following a meticulous plan to pursue your dreams, the following points will help you chart your course. I leave you with a small caveat – do not be soothed into believing that pursuing your dreams is lined with the romanticism Hollywood films have espoused.
Henry David Thoreau, the American author and poet, wrote in his masterpiece book Walden, “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” He was of course referring to the hard work required to bring your dreams to fruition.
“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” – Michelangelo
1. Dreams Come From the Soul: Your dreams are a call from your soul to pursue that which you love, yet similarly serves others at the same time. You have been awarded unique gifts that help you paint your life’s canvas. Such gifts may be tied to your talents, skills and genius. Listen to the call of your soul by harnessing your potential – develop them; polish them until they are brilliant enough so that even the blind are aware of them.
2. Don’t Give Up On Your Dreams: Many people give up on their dreams, believing them impossible to achieve. Pursuing dreams are hard – dare I say challenging at the best of times, with little signs of success along the way. However almost overnight everything can fall into place if the timing is right. Oftentimes with persistent effort, your dreams may miraculously turn into reality when you least expect it. Be vigilant and tenacious in your pursuit of them.
3. Focus on Small Steps: At times you may feel powerless to navigate your way ahead – do not be concerned with your next steps, for they will be made known to you at the appropriate time. Each step and process unfolds in good time, to reveal the path ahead. Rush the process and you risk leapfrogging into uncharted territory. Given your intentions are well meaning through sustained daily effort, success is imminent.
4. Be Flexible: Flexibility is crucial when pursuing your dreams. Sometimes opportunities you never anticipated will land in your lap. As a successful former TV personality once advised me – “The key to my success has been the ability to take what was offered to me at the time and run with it.”
5. Let Go of Excuses: Your excuses may be holding you back allowing you to feel safe. Those who achieve big things, dream big. They fail often and are not afraid to keep trying. Don’t compromise your dreams by keeping them at arm’s distance because it ‘feels’ safe. Safe does not yield the results you deserve.
6. Discover a Burning Desire: To achieve your dreams, one must have an undeniable burning desire. Establish deep roots for your dreams to grow and nurture them daily. Create a powerful WHY? Connect with purpose and intention. Demand the very best and invariably the universe will greet you with the same desire. Doors will begin to open in strange and mysterious ways when you are aligned with purpose.
7. Focus on the Journey: The most overused advice delivered nowadays is that one enjoy the journey rather than focus on the prize. Ask anyone who has achieved a level of success and they’ll inform you of those times of uncertainty which remain etched in their minds. Life will never be the same once you have achieved success. There is no turning back – savour the people you meet, the time to yourself, the struggles, the laughter and most importantly enjoy yourself while pursuing that which you love.
8. Embrace Failure: Fail often, fail fast and mostly importantly LEARN from your failures. If you’re not failing often, you’re not taking sufficient strides towards your dreams. Therefore it is vital that you reframe failure by viewing it as a guidepost toward success. It is an opportunity to improve, not a STOP sign.
9. Sacrifices are Inevitable: It was Oprah Winfrey who said, “You can have it all, just not all at once.” Sacrifices do not equate to deprivation. You needn't work around the clock to succeed, and besides that will only lead to burn-out. You must be willing to give up aspects of life that will inevitably yield long-term results. Never sacrifice family life, since that is one thing you can rarely win back.
10. Be Willing to Compromise: Make adjustments along the way where required. Sometimes life will present you with unexpected detours – take them. Trust and have faith that you need to acquire an essential skill for your dream to thrive. Steve Jobs credits taking a calligraphy class at college, which later helped him create fonts for Apple computers. There are no mistakes.
Whether you’re starting out or a season veteran, following your dreams remains an elusive yet fulfilling quest. Ask any person who has traded their career to follow an endless dream and they’ll advise you they have not worked a single moment in pursuit of their passion.
Yet for many, chasing one’s dream may be filled with fear and intrepidation. The fear of the unknown is stifling to some. For others, placing trust in a universe that rarely interacts with them can be soul-destroying.
Since early age, children are encouraged to “follow their dreams,” the advice eschewed by parents and teachers alike. Whilst the guidance is well intentioned, there is an apparent shift which takes place by middle school.
High school counsellors are quick to recommend one pursue a course of study streamed in maths, science, arts or humanities. Given university entrance scores depend largely on final year high school grades, it makes sense to shift the focus from ‘dreams’ to grades.
Therefore, as teenagers approach their formidable years of educational life, the nostalgia of pursuing dreams shifts towards a fixed reality. Almost overnight the notion of following your bliss, as the American mythologist Joseph Campbell so eloquently conveyed, is extinguished.
Nevertheless whether you’re starting out or following a meticulous plan to pursue your dreams, the following points will help you chart your course. I leave you with a small caveat – do not be soothed into believing that pursuing your dreams is lined with the romanticism Hollywood films have espoused.
Henry David Thoreau, the American author and poet, wrote in his masterpiece book Walden, “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” He was of course referring to the hard work required to bring your dreams to fruition.
“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” – Michelangelo
1. Dreams Come From the Soul: Your dreams are a call from your soul to pursue that which you love, yet similarly serves others at the same time. You have been awarded unique gifts that help you paint your life’s canvas. Such gifts may be tied to your talents, skills and genius. Listen to the call of your soul by harnessing your potential – develop them; polish them until they are brilliant enough so that even the blind are aware of them.
2. Don’t Give Up On Your Dreams: Many people give up on their dreams, believing them impossible to achieve. Pursuing dreams are hard – dare I say challenging at the best of times, with little signs of success along the way. However almost overnight everything can fall into place if the timing is right. Oftentimes with persistent effort, your dreams may miraculously turn into reality when you least expect it. Be vigilant and tenacious in your pursuit of them.
3. Focus on Small Steps: At times you may feel powerless to navigate your way ahead – do not be concerned with your next steps, for they will be made known to you at the appropriate time. Each step and process unfolds in good time, to reveal the path ahead. Rush the process and you risk leapfrogging into uncharted territory. Given your intentions are well meaning through sustained daily effort, success is imminent.
4. Be Flexible: Flexibility is crucial when pursuing your dreams. Sometimes opportunities you never anticipated will land in your lap. As a successful former TV personality once advised me – “The key to my success has been the ability to take what was offered to me at the time and run with it.”
5. Let Go of Excuses: Your excuses may be holding you back allowing you to feel safe. Those who achieve big things, dream big. They fail often and are not afraid to keep trying. Don’t compromise your dreams by keeping them at arm’s distance because it ‘feels’ safe. Safe does not yield the results you deserve.
6. Discover a Burning Desire: To achieve your dreams, one must have an undeniable burning desire. Establish deep roots for your dreams to grow and nurture them daily. Create a powerful WHY? Connect with purpose and intention. Demand the very best and invariably the universe will greet you with the same desire. Doors will begin to open in strange and mysterious ways when you are aligned with purpose.
7. Focus on the Journey: The most overused advice delivered nowadays is that one enjoy the journey rather than focus on the prize. Ask anyone who has achieved a level of success and they’ll inform you of those times of uncertainty which remain etched in their minds. Life will never be the same once you have achieved success. There is no turning back – savour the people you meet, the time to yourself, the struggles, the laughter and most importantly enjoy yourself while pursuing that which you love.
8. Embrace Failure: Fail often, fail fast and mostly importantly LEARN from your failures. If you’re not failing often, you’re not taking sufficient strides towards your dreams. Therefore it is vital that you reframe failure by viewing it as a guidepost toward success. It is an opportunity to improve, not a STOP sign.
9. Sacrifices are Inevitable: It was Oprah Winfrey who said, “You can have it all, just not all at once.” Sacrifices do not equate to deprivation. You needn't work around the clock to succeed, and besides that will only lead to burn-out. You must be willing to give up aspects of life that will inevitably yield long-term results. Never sacrifice family life, since that is one thing you can rarely win back.
10. Be Willing to Compromise: Make adjustments along the way where required. Sometimes life will present you with unexpected detours – take them. Trust and have faith that you need to acquire an essential skill for your dream to thrive. Steve Jobs credits taking a calligraphy class at college, which later helped him create fonts for Apple computers. There are no mistakes.
July 25, 2014
You Can't Please Everyone
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss
It was Abraham Lincoln who first drew our attention to avoid necessitating the need to please everyone via the following passage, “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.” His sentiments were no doubt echoed through personal experience as the sixteenth president of the United States until his subsequent demise via an assassination in 1865.
We cannot wish to please people all of the time, since it is not humanly possible to do so. One need only listen in on social situations these days to observe the number of people venting their anger at a higher power. Even God, Jesus, Buddha and other deities often fall out of our good books when a crisis or tragedy looms. Being in and out of favour at particular times, we often choose to drop God from our lives like defriending somebody on social media. How can we possibly please one another?
Psychologists have observed that people pleasing may be a behaviour sewn into childhood. People pleasers normally grow up in homes where parents were critical of them. In order to compensate, they grow up endeavouring to please others in order to appease their childhood misgivings. Being seen to be ‘good’ equates to being liked and accepted, although this comes at the cost of denying one’s personal power. Perhaps you know people like this?
As adults, people pleasers may find it challenging to let go of childhood programs while they aim to please others. They run the risk of unconsciously giving away their authority in order to gain acceptance. Whilst it is not my intention to single out people pleasers per se in this article, at some level we all have a need to be accepted and liked. It is sewn into our social fabric to connect with one another, albeit without depriving ourselves of our self-worth.
So how do we find balance between pleasing others without forsaking our own needs? I hope the following points provide you with an outline on how I believe this is possible.
“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby
1. Follow Your Instincts: Pursue that which resonates with your deepest self, whilst not being overly concerned with the opinions of others. Easier said than done. This requires practice since we must first gain confidence in trusting our own judgement. It is acceptable to make mistakes along the way. Undoubtedly depriving ourselves while subordinating to others is disempowering in the long term and may attract little support from friends.
2. Express Your Authenticity: When you express yourself authentically without hidden agendas, you are bound to be criticised. Such criticism is often a result of reservations within those casting aspersions towards you. Being receptive to others’ viewpoints is engaging in many ways. Forming your own judgements is far more beneficial, since you become accountable for your own decisions. Moreover you cannot blame others when life does not work out as planned. Being in control and accountable for your own life is a tenet worth following.
3. Don’t Supplicate to Please Others: When you supplicate to others, you risk taking on other people’s pain and making it your own. Let them sort through their own fears, insecurities and anxieties without being caught up in the drama. Instead, become accountable for your thoughts, words and actions. When our aim is to please others, we take on their problems as well as ours. For example, if you aim to please someone who is narcissistic by nature, you must impose that upon yourself in order to appeal to that side of the person.
4. Criticism Comes With The Territory: When you follow your inner wisdom, people will naturally disapprove. They will disapprove anyway, so pursue what is right for you regardless. Choose to live an authentic life and care less about the opinions of others. Attend to your own needs first and invariably others will look to you as a source of insight. I've often said that we coach others on how we wish to be treated.
5. Stand in Your Own Power: When we please others we surrender our own power. We deny our magnificence, talents and skills since we buy into pleasing others first. People’s expectations and judgements of you are merely based on external observations. It is easy to judge others while deflecting the real task of dealing with our own inner demons. Don’t fall victim to this.
6. Recognise What Is Important: People’s values differ quite enormously, even within the same social circles. You might regard higher worth on inner values, while others might place importance on material possessions. This creates a disconnect since you are basing another person’s assessment of you on differing values. Interestingly most people do not have adequate understanding of themselves, let alone qualify to know what is right for you. Do not buy into the falsehood that others have your best interest at heart, while forming an assessment of you.
7. Know Your Boundaries: Being assertive yet reasonable is empowering. It endows you to set boundaries by refusing to allow others to walk all over you. Assertive people command attention and respect. I am not encouraging you to be condemning or intimidating. Respond to others needs in an empathic and compassionate manner, yet do not subjugate, nor disparage your self-worth as a result.
It was Abraham Lincoln who first drew our attention to avoid necessitating the need to please everyone via the following passage, “You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but you can never please all of the people all of the time.” His sentiments were no doubt echoed through personal experience as the sixteenth president of the United States until his subsequent demise via an assassination in 1865.
We cannot wish to please people all of the time, since it is not humanly possible to do so. One need only listen in on social situations these days to observe the number of people venting their anger at a higher power. Even God, Jesus, Buddha and other deities often fall out of our good books when a crisis or tragedy looms. Being in and out of favour at particular times, we often choose to drop God from our lives like defriending somebody on social media. How can we possibly please one another?
Psychologists have observed that people pleasing may be a behaviour sewn into childhood. People pleasers normally grow up in homes where parents were critical of them. In order to compensate, they grow up endeavouring to please others in order to appease their childhood misgivings. Being seen to be ‘good’ equates to being liked and accepted, although this comes at the cost of denying one’s personal power. Perhaps you know people like this?
As adults, people pleasers may find it challenging to let go of childhood programs while they aim to please others. They run the risk of unconsciously giving away their authority in order to gain acceptance. Whilst it is not my intention to single out people pleasers per se in this article, at some level we all have a need to be accepted and liked. It is sewn into our social fabric to connect with one another, albeit without depriving ourselves of our self-worth.
So how do we find balance between pleasing others without forsaking our own needs? I hope the following points provide you with an outline on how I believe this is possible.
“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” - Bill Cosby
1. Follow Your Instincts: Pursue that which resonates with your deepest self, whilst not being overly concerned with the opinions of others. Easier said than done. This requires practice since we must first gain confidence in trusting our own judgement. It is acceptable to make mistakes along the way. Undoubtedly depriving ourselves while subordinating to others is disempowering in the long term and may attract little support from friends.
2. Express Your Authenticity: When you express yourself authentically without hidden agendas, you are bound to be criticised. Such criticism is often a result of reservations within those casting aspersions towards you. Being receptive to others’ viewpoints is engaging in many ways. Forming your own judgements is far more beneficial, since you become accountable for your own decisions. Moreover you cannot blame others when life does not work out as planned. Being in control and accountable for your own life is a tenet worth following.
3. Don’t Supplicate to Please Others: When you supplicate to others, you risk taking on other people’s pain and making it your own. Let them sort through their own fears, insecurities and anxieties without being caught up in the drama. Instead, become accountable for your thoughts, words and actions. When our aim is to please others, we take on their problems as well as ours. For example, if you aim to please someone who is narcissistic by nature, you must impose that upon yourself in order to appeal to that side of the person.
4. Criticism Comes With The Territory: When you follow your inner wisdom, people will naturally disapprove. They will disapprove anyway, so pursue what is right for you regardless. Choose to live an authentic life and care less about the opinions of others. Attend to your own needs first and invariably others will look to you as a source of insight. I've often said that we coach others on how we wish to be treated.
5. Stand in Your Own Power: When we please others we surrender our own power. We deny our magnificence, talents and skills since we buy into pleasing others first. People’s expectations and judgements of you are merely based on external observations. It is easy to judge others while deflecting the real task of dealing with our own inner demons. Don’t fall victim to this.
6. Recognise What Is Important: People’s values differ quite enormously, even within the same social circles. You might regard higher worth on inner values, while others might place importance on material possessions. This creates a disconnect since you are basing another person’s assessment of you on differing values. Interestingly most people do not have adequate understanding of themselves, let alone qualify to know what is right for you. Do not buy into the falsehood that others have your best interest at heart, while forming an assessment of you.
7. Know Your Boundaries: Being assertive yet reasonable is empowering. It endows you to set boundaries by refusing to allow others to walk all over you. Assertive people command attention and respect. I am not encouraging you to be condemning or intimidating. Respond to others needs in an empathic and compassionate manner, yet do not subjugate, nor disparage your self-worth as a result.
July 18, 2014
Find Yourself and Be That
“Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.” – St. Augustine
In the quest to discover one’s potential, many people seem to be wandering aimlessly these days, dazed by a sense of confusion. Numerous self-help books line the shelves of bookstores proclaiming the latest movement or program to heal you in thirty days. Self-help groupies seek solace in New Age wisdom only to discover what is already contained within – the source of all wisdom.
I often ponder the number of people who follow the advice echoed within the pages of a self-help book, a blog article or seminar. Given we live in what is arguably the most prosperous period in the world’s history, why have we lost our sense of self? This confusion has given rise to a popular meme now used synonymously throughout the Western world known as first world problems.
I affirm that our maladies may be attributed to straying from our life purpose; while similarly succumbing to external influences. The young are inundated with a surplus of information nowadays, fuelled by technological advances that have allowed us to stay connected, especially via social media. In many ways our connections are nothing more than empty posters on an electronic billboard which serve to remind us that we belong. And yet, we have an inner longing for social acceptance. It is wired into our DNA to be a part of a tribe.
The following points are what I consider to be the quintessential qualities for reconnecting with your essential self. I have chosen to list as many points possible, while opting on the side of brevity to provide you with a detailed list.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
1. Accept Yourself: Complete acceptance of oneself entails acknowledgement of your wholeness with all your imperfections, foibles and insecurities. You cannot disown unfavourable aspects of yourself and seek to highlight positive qualities. This might be deemed treading a fine line toward narcissism.
2. Know Thyself: This does not entail knowing your likes or dislikes. Rather it is a call to discover the true essence of your spiritual self. Who is the real you? What are your true motivations? What kindles your soul? What are your passions?
3. Discard the False Self: Many people have created a false sense of self – an image of who they think they are. It is believed the mind creates a false persona epitomised by the ego to keep it alive. Unfortunately life events (tragedy or loss) may disrupt this image and suddenly one is faced with the task of re-examining their sense of self, since the illusory shadow is shattered.
4. Do Not Identify With Thoughts: I’ve written extensively in recent times about not identifying with your thoughts. Do not allow your thoughts to give you an impression of your real self. Thoughts come and go, yet the essence of who you are is unchanging and authentic. Connect with that part of your nature.
5. Surrender Addictions: Many people suffer from controlling addictions to things or people. Addictions extend to habitual thoughts which occupy valuable space in the mind and body system. They deprive you of energy and disconnect you from your precious self. Let go of that which does not serve you – drop it like a hot piece of coal.
6. Stop Seeking Validation: Let go of the need to prove yourself to others. You do not require validation from others to prove your worthiness; even from loved ones. No one or nothing can offer you the authentication you long for, other than yourself. True validation comes from the core of your being.
7. Find Time For Silence: Find time to be alone every now and again, particularly in nature. Exercising outdoors allows you to reconnect with yourself in a tranquil setting among nature. Being outdoors harmonises both mind and body and energises the soul.
8. Connect With Your Heart And Mind: In my book The Power to Navigate Life, I have titled a chapter Connect With Your Heart And Mind since I believe many of us live life from the level of the mind. We get stuck in left brain logic, since we were taught to reason the world through logic alone. It has been demonstrated in experiments that the heart’s electrical impulse is 40 to 60 times greater than the brain. The heart often feels or intuits things well before the brain has time to make sense of it.
9. Accept The Perfection Of Life: There is no need to change anything ‘out there’ since the heart of your troubles is always contained within. As you tend to your inner landscape, your external reality inherently harmonises with your inner world. As the Hermetic aphorism states, “As within, so without.”
10. Focus on Yourself First: Tend to your inner world and nurture it through self-examination and introspection. Invariably when things go wrong in life, knowing that you can remain peaceful and safe is reassuring. It is like a ship in stormy weather – nothing can destabilise a ship when it has a strong hull. It floats through troubled waters allowing the raging storm to take it where it needs to, knowing in due course it will find refuge in safe harbour.
11. Relationships Are Vital Lessons: What we loathe in others we disapprove in ourselves. I wrote about this in a previous article called, Relationships Are Mirrors of Yourself. Therefore at a deeper level your difficult relationships are a call to heal an aspect of yourself which you are at war with. Embrace the lesson by allowing painful memories to move through you without becoming invested in any harmful emotions.
12. Connect With Purpose: Your purpose may or may not be tied to your career. Your purpose is your life’s calling – your spiritual truth. It is the deeper question which we beckon of ourselves – why am I here on Earth? Why have I been born during this period in time and what have I come here to become? You discover your purpose by ‘doing’ not by sitting around waiting for it to land in your lap. Pursue anything which fuels your soul and slowly but surely your purpose will be made known to you. Purpose requires momentum, hard work, commitment and sacrifice. People who feel ‘lost’ have disconnected with their purpose.
In the quest to discover one’s potential, many people seem to be wandering aimlessly these days, dazed by a sense of confusion. Numerous self-help books line the shelves of bookstores proclaiming the latest movement or program to heal you in thirty days. Self-help groupies seek solace in New Age wisdom only to discover what is already contained within – the source of all wisdom.
I often ponder the number of people who follow the advice echoed within the pages of a self-help book, a blog article or seminar. Given we live in what is arguably the most prosperous period in the world’s history, why have we lost our sense of self? This confusion has given rise to a popular meme now used synonymously throughout the Western world known as first world problems.
I affirm that our maladies may be attributed to straying from our life purpose; while similarly succumbing to external influences. The young are inundated with a surplus of information nowadays, fuelled by technological advances that have allowed us to stay connected, especially via social media. In many ways our connections are nothing more than empty posters on an electronic billboard which serve to remind us that we belong. And yet, we have an inner longing for social acceptance. It is wired into our DNA to be a part of a tribe.
The following points are what I consider to be the quintessential qualities for reconnecting with your essential self. I have chosen to list as many points possible, while opting on the side of brevity to provide you with a detailed list.
“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley
1. Accept Yourself: Complete acceptance of oneself entails acknowledgement of your wholeness with all your imperfections, foibles and insecurities. You cannot disown unfavourable aspects of yourself and seek to highlight positive qualities. This might be deemed treading a fine line toward narcissism.
2. Know Thyself: This does not entail knowing your likes or dislikes. Rather it is a call to discover the true essence of your spiritual self. Who is the real you? What are your true motivations? What kindles your soul? What are your passions?
3. Discard the False Self: Many people have created a false sense of self – an image of who they think they are. It is believed the mind creates a false persona epitomised by the ego to keep it alive. Unfortunately life events (tragedy or loss) may disrupt this image and suddenly one is faced with the task of re-examining their sense of self, since the illusory shadow is shattered.
4. Do Not Identify With Thoughts: I’ve written extensively in recent times about not identifying with your thoughts. Do not allow your thoughts to give you an impression of your real self. Thoughts come and go, yet the essence of who you are is unchanging and authentic. Connect with that part of your nature.
5. Surrender Addictions: Many people suffer from controlling addictions to things or people. Addictions extend to habitual thoughts which occupy valuable space in the mind and body system. They deprive you of energy and disconnect you from your precious self. Let go of that which does not serve you – drop it like a hot piece of coal.
6. Stop Seeking Validation: Let go of the need to prove yourself to others. You do not require validation from others to prove your worthiness; even from loved ones. No one or nothing can offer you the authentication you long for, other than yourself. True validation comes from the core of your being.
7. Find Time For Silence: Find time to be alone every now and again, particularly in nature. Exercising outdoors allows you to reconnect with yourself in a tranquil setting among nature. Being outdoors harmonises both mind and body and energises the soul.
8. Connect With Your Heart And Mind: In my book The Power to Navigate Life, I have titled a chapter Connect With Your Heart And Mind since I believe many of us live life from the level of the mind. We get stuck in left brain logic, since we were taught to reason the world through logic alone. It has been demonstrated in experiments that the heart’s electrical impulse is 40 to 60 times greater than the brain. The heart often feels or intuits things well before the brain has time to make sense of it.
9. Accept The Perfection Of Life: There is no need to change anything ‘out there’ since the heart of your troubles is always contained within. As you tend to your inner landscape, your external reality inherently harmonises with your inner world. As the Hermetic aphorism states, “As within, so without.”
10. Focus on Yourself First: Tend to your inner world and nurture it through self-examination and introspection. Invariably when things go wrong in life, knowing that you can remain peaceful and safe is reassuring. It is like a ship in stormy weather – nothing can destabilise a ship when it has a strong hull. It floats through troubled waters allowing the raging storm to take it where it needs to, knowing in due course it will find refuge in safe harbour.
11. Relationships Are Vital Lessons: What we loathe in others we disapprove in ourselves. I wrote about this in a previous article called, Relationships Are Mirrors of Yourself. Therefore at a deeper level your difficult relationships are a call to heal an aspect of yourself which you are at war with. Embrace the lesson by allowing painful memories to move through you without becoming invested in any harmful emotions.
12. Connect With Purpose: Your purpose may or may not be tied to your career. Your purpose is your life’s calling – your spiritual truth. It is the deeper question which we beckon of ourselves – why am I here on Earth? Why have I been born during this period in time and what have I come here to become? You discover your purpose by ‘doing’ not by sitting around waiting for it to land in your lap. Pursue anything which fuels your soul and slowly but surely your purpose will be made known to you. Purpose requires momentum, hard work, commitment and sacrifice. People who feel ‘lost’ have disconnected with their purpose.
July 11, 2014
The Balance of Male and Female Energy
“When we have developed a trust in both our inner man and woman and they can nourish, support, communicate and cooperate with each other, a love begins to flow between them.” - Swami Dhyan Giten
A Whole Mind Approach
In a recent discussion with a health professional, I was curious why a growing number of people seem to rationalise their health concerns via logic alone. Rather than examining the mental and emotional issues to their failing health, we both agreed that our teaching system educates us from an early age to rationalise the world through reason. Surely solving our problems at the level of the mind is the best approach – or is it?
In Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind, the author argues that the future belongs to the artists and creatives among us, rather than the traditional left brain professionals like accountants, lawyers and computer programmers. He postulates that with the advent of the Information Age, left brain thinkers (logic) dominated the landscape for much of this period, as evident with the development of the internet.
What does this mean in the larger context? Pink suggests that left brain orientated jobs have moved off-shore in recent times to countries where labour rates are less expensive. Jobs that previously required analytical processing are now sourced to countries like India and China for far less than major countries. Creative jobs on the other hand have seen a rise in demand since they cannot be automated due to the specialisation of the creative process.
I find this discussion fascinating on a number of levels. Firstly, our society has been largely male dominated for a number of centuries. The heads of major countries continue to be led by men, although this is now beginning to change. We typically value the masculine energy, as evident by a recent documentary on television in view of the World Cup. It was revealed that in poorer areas of Brazil, parents have two wishes in life: that they be blessed with a boy as a child and that he can kick a soccer ball.
Having been raised in a Catholic Middle Eastern family, I still recall the voices of my parents and relatives filled with optimism when someone within the community gave birth to a baby boy. Even as a young male, the same relatives reinforced the image of a powerful archetypal male aligned with logic and reason.
The Balance of Energy
You might be interested to learn that in Eastern philosophy the body is considered to be balanced energetically in two halves, known as polarities – male (right side) and female (left side). This is also expressed as the Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy. The notable Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung wrote about the anima and the animus which are the two unconscious archetypes that each gender possess.
What are the distinct qualities of these respective energies? Well, the male energy is: protective, logical, analytical, and grounded in reason, action orientated and sets boundaries. This energy is depicted as air and fire elements. The female energy in contrast is: nurturing, listening, emotional, intuitive, perceptive, calm, empathetic and compassionate. This energy is depicted as earth and water elements. Note, I am not describing the differences between men and women. These qualities relate to the energetic relationship inherent in both sexes.
We all have male and female qualities, resulting in a harmonious union of balance. When we favour one energy over the other, we are at the mercy of Mother Nature. Nature therefore thrives on a sense of balance and equilibrium.
As stated earlier, our society values left brain thinking from an early age. Children are taught in school to examine and deduce the world through logic and reason. In contrast, the Steiner education model urges children to harness right brain thinking with a focus toward creative pursuits. Whilst criticism has been labelled at this method of teaching, Steiner children nonetheless mature with highly advanced emotional intelligence.
It was Daniel Siegel author of Emotional Intelligence who coined the term EQ(emotional intelligence) in the early nineties. His studies into EQ have shown that it is not one’s IQ which is the measure of success in life, rather their EQ. As an example, men are taught to disregard their feelings or alternatively ‘stuff them down’ since feelings are something women have. Therefore men have inadvertently associated strength and power with reason and logic much to the detriment of EQ.
“Today, many of us are trying to understand just what male and female energies are, since we are calling old rigid stereotypes into questions. There is a risk of replacing such stereotypes with even more politically correct rigid stereotypes...” - Shepherd Hoodwin
Integration over Separation
Similarly gender roles have been obscured in recent times, as evident through various movements which sought to liberate the sexes from periods of repression. These days, women find themselves competing with men for senior roles within the workforce, at a cost to their family life. Balancing career and family has become a challenge for working women.
One would have thought that the feminist movement liberated women from the need to play on the same level as men. Rather, women have felt compelled to compete with men by playing by their rules in order to get ahead in the corporate world. Albeit this is one minor example, yet it underscores the disconnect apparent when there is a separation of male and female energies.
In a similar context, men are encouraged to deny their intuition for fear that they’ll connect with their emotional self. Intuition and feelings are deemed irrational to men, since it is devoid of scientific evidence. Women on the other hand understand the importance of intuition. They know where intuition resides within their body and trust it well. It is no wonder that women make better leaders, since they have sought to develop both male and female qualities in their leadership roles.
My contention in this article is to highlight that the future lies in integration rather than separation i.e. uniting our male and female energies. The emphasis will be towards the union of our male and female energies in a holistic sense, much like the Eastern principle espouses.
Bruce Lipton PhD, author of Spontaneous Evolution notes that humanity is advancing forward into a new paradigm known as Holism; the union of spirit and matter. “The new science of holism emphasises that, in order for us to transcend the parts and see the whole, we must acquire an understanding of Nature and the human experience.” I have purposely bolded the last sentence. If we are to seek happiness and fulfillment in our lives, we must be willing to work in harmony with nature or run the risk of being at her mercy.
Uniting with our male and female energies will allow us to seek balance in order to optimise our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Problems become apparent when we swing toward one direction over the other. When we favour our male energy, the female side is minimised causing a disruption in our life-force and resulting in physical and emotional ailments.
The key is to unite both male and female energies by regarding them as the wholeness of your being. In order to thrive mentally, emotionally and physically you will need to harness each energy force at respective times throughout your life.
Men and women can live together afterall – even under the one roof!
A Whole Mind Approach
In a recent discussion with a health professional, I was curious why a growing number of people seem to rationalise their health concerns via logic alone. Rather than examining the mental and emotional issues to their failing health, we both agreed that our teaching system educates us from an early age to rationalise the world through reason. Surely solving our problems at the level of the mind is the best approach – or is it?
In Daniel Pink’s book A Whole New Mind, the author argues that the future belongs to the artists and creatives among us, rather than the traditional left brain professionals like accountants, lawyers and computer programmers. He postulates that with the advent of the Information Age, left brain thinkers (logic) dominated the landscape for much of this period, as evident with the development of the internet.
What does this mean in the larger context? Pink suggests that left brain orientated jobs have moved off-shore in recent times to countries where labour rates are less expensive. Jobs that previously required analytical processing are now sourced to countries like India and China for far less than major countries. Creative jobs on the other hand have seen a rise in demand since they cannot be automated due to the specialisation of the creative process.
I find this discussion fascinating on a number of levels. Firstly, our society has been largely male dominated for a number of centuries. The heads of major countries continue to be led by men, although this is now beginning to change. We typically value the masculine energy, as evident by a recent documentary on television in view of the World Cup. It was revealed that in poorer areas of Brazil, parents have two wishes in life: that they be blessed with a boy as a child and that he can kick a soccer ball.
Having been raised in a Catholic Middle Eastern family, I still recall the voices of my parents and relatives filled with optimism when someone within the community gave birth to a baby boy. Even as a young male, the same relatives reinforced the image of a powerful archetypal male aligned with logic and reason.
The Balance of Energy
You might be interested to learn that in Eastern philosophy the body is considered to be balanced energetically in two halves, known as polarities – male (right side) and female (left side). This is also expressed as the Yin (female) and Yang (male) energy. The notable Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung wrote about the anima and the animus which are the two unconscious archetypes that each gender possess.
What are the distinct qualities of these respective energies? Well, the male energy is: protective, logical, analytical, and grounded in reason, action orientated and sets boundaries. This energy is depicted as air and fire elements. The female energy in contrast is: nurturing, listening, emotional, intuitive, perceptive, calm, empathetic and compassionate. This energy is depicted as earth and water elements. Note, I am not describing the differences between men and women. These qualities relate to the energetic relationship inherent in both sexes.
We all have male and female qualities, resulting in a harmonious union of balance. When we favour one energy over the other, we are at the mercy of Mother Nature. Nature therefore thrives on a sense of balance and equilibrium.
As stated earlier, our society values left brain thinking from an early age. Children are taught in school to examine and deduce the world through logic and reason. In contrast, the Steiner education model urges children to harness right brain thinking with a focus toward creative pursuits. Whilst criticism has been labelled at this method of teaching, Steiner children nonetheless mature with highly advanced emotional intelligence.
It was Daniel Siegel author of Emotional Intelligence who coined the term EQ(emotional intelligence) in the early nineties. His studies into EQ have shown that it is not one’s IQ which is the measure of success in life, rather their EQ. As an example, men are taught to disregard their feelings or alternatively ‘stuff them down’ since feelings are something women have. Therefore men have inadvertently associated strength and power with reason and logic much to the detriment of EQ.
“Today, many of us are trying to understand just what male and female energies are, since we are calling old rigid stereotypes into questions. There is a risk of replacing such stereotypes with even more politically correct rigid stereotypes...” - Shepherd Hoodwin
Integration over Separation
Similarly gender roles have been obscured in recent times, as evident through various movements which sought to liberate the sexes from periods of repression. These days, women find themselves competing with men for senior roles within the workforce, at a cost to their family life. Balancing career and family has become a challenge for working women.
One would have thought that the feminist movement liberated women from the need to play on the same level as men. Rather, women have felt compelled to compete with men by playing by their rules in order to get ahead in the corporate world. Albeit this is one minor example, yet it underscores the disconnect apparent when there is a separation of male and female energies.
In a similar context, men are encouraged to deny their intuition for fear that they’ll connect with their emotional self. Intuition and feelings are deemed irrational to men, since it is devoid of scientific evidence. Women on the other hand understand the importance of intuition. They know where intuition resides within their body and trust it well. It is no wonder that women make better leaders, since they have sought to develop both male and female qualities in their leadership roles.
My contention in this article is to highlight that the future lies in integration rather than separation i.e. uniting our male and female energies. The emphasis will be towards the union of our male and female energies in a holistic sense, much like the Eastern principle espouses.
Bruce Lipton PhD, author of Spontaneous Evolution notes that humanity is advancing forward into a new paradigm known as Holism; the union of spirit and matter. “The new science of holism emphasises that, in order for us to transcend the parts and see the whole, we must acquire an understanding of Nature and the human experience.” I have purposely bolded the last sentence. If we are to seek happiness and fulfillment in our lives, we must be willing to work in harmony with nature or run the risk of being at her mercy.
Uniting with our male and female energies will allow us to seek balance in order to optimise our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Problems become apparent when we swing toward one direction over the other. When we favour our male energy, the female side is minimised causing a disruption in our life-force and resulting in physical and emotional ailments.
The key is to unite both male and female energies by regarding them as the wholeness of your being. In order to thrive mentally, emotionally and physically you will need to harness each energy force at respective times throughout your life.
Men and women can live together afterall – even under the one roof!
July 6, 2014
How to Form Successful Habits
“The difference between an amateur and a professional is in their habits. An amateur has amateur habits. A professional has professional habits. We can never free ourselves from habit. But we can replace bad habits with good ones.” - Steven Pressfield
You've decided to create a new habit to curtail your recent indulgence for over-eating. Your children have even made a passing remark, noticing your ‘winter weight,’ which has slowly crept up on you in recent times. The café lattes you sneak in throughout the day have become an unnecessary luxury. You've conceded defeat – it’s time to trade in the coffee card for the gym membership.
It must be said that forming new habits is challenging, since it disrupts both mind and body’s natural state of equilibrium. While the rational mind is quick to affirm an emphatic YES to the new habit, the emotional brain is not quite as enthusiastic to your new laid plans.
With any luck you’ve given it considerable thought, along with your strong emotional desire to make the change. Oftentimes, we have very little idea on the journey ahead until we embark upon it. In my early adult life I was at the mercy of my habits, given my susceptibility for my emotions to prevail. A number of well-intentioned habits were met with resistance mid-way, due to unreasonable expectations on my behalf.
As I approach middle age, I have had the good fortune to establish sound habits in various areas of life that continue to serve me well. Moreover in my work as a health and self-empowerment professional, I trust that my clients have benefited from my wise counsel and steep learning curve over the years.
I wish to outline five key points valuable for forming and maintaining new habits. Combined into your daily routine, they simultaneously shape the underlying desire to achieve lasting change.
“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.” - Stephen Covey
1. Understand the change cycle: Having worked in collaboration with a sports psychologist in recent times, I have come to understand the importance of the change cycle in forming new habits. Undoubtedly as you adopt new habits, you will be met with inner resistance since you are disrupting the mind and body’s stability. Knowing the six stages of change in advance, affords you realistic expectations of the journey ahead. A relevant piece of trivia: 33% of people who undertake a fitness membership cancel or seldom attend after the third month. Knowing people’s motivational habits wane over time, gyms purposely lure you into signing twelve month contracts paid in advance, with petty exit clauses.
2. Have a compelling reason: Avoid starting a new habit with the belief it is the right thing to do. Remember the conscious and emotional brain have different agendas, despite your best intentions. You will undoubtedly be met with resistance as the going gets tough since internal conflicts are bound to arise. It is advisable to adopt a purposeful intent why you wish to pursue the new habit. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn once quipped, “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” We all know the pain of discipline bears lighter on our conscience than the pain of regret. Reconnecting with your WHY? will help you connect with your conscious and emotional intentions. Connecting with your original intention to start a new habit is paramount for success. As the journey gathers momentum, setbacks and inner resistance are often enough to derail your progress.
3. Chunk it down: Break down the goal into smaller goals. Pursue one habit or goal at a time, until you have become proficient with it. For example if your intention to ‘get fit’ means undertaking an exercise program, you might start with a series of gentle long walks early in the morning to test the waters. Don’t have ambitious expectations of how your health journey might take shape. Starting slow with the intention to gain momentum may be far more useful in the long run than quitting altogether. Allow the strength of the goal or habit to propel you towards action. As the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race.
4. Manage your environment: Remove temptations that are likely to derail your progress. If your new habit is to curb eating unhealthy foods, be sure to have your fridge and pantry stocked with healthy food options. Whilst this may seem trivial, during times of emotional need, the conscious brain becomes irrational leading to the probability of cheating. Therefore keep temptations out of sight where you can. Similarly, avoid falling into the lure of rewarding yourself with food. Your mind is incredibly astute at recognising this, having undergone thousands of years of evolution – it will find ways to use the rewards against you. Opt for rewards that are non-food related such as; massages, buying a new item of clothing, music, etc. It is important to factor resistance into the equation since you will invariably become unstuck at times. Do not be hard on yourself when/if this occurs. Use the time wisely to regroup and continue pursuing your habit.
5. Commit to the habit: Time to put the pedal to the metal! Smaller victories achieved early in the habit-forming period adds crucial momentum to your habit. Undertaking daily activity for an entire month is a timely approach for forming sound disciplinary behaviour. Daily action is paramount for maintaining impetus, rather than intermittent application. Aim for at least a 90%+ strike-rate during the initial month. I find it useful to use a range of tools as motivational aids. I purposely place coloured post-it notes around the home in places I often frequent. If using technology to motivate you, avoid falling victim to the technology, rather use it as support to help you stick to your newly laid plans.
As a final thought, setbacks are unavoidable at times throughout the habit forming period. Make a public declaration of your intended habit to a friend, work colleague or loved one. Make yourself accountable to someone that is likely to offer much needed support or who has walked in your shoes. Offer to return the favour. Being accountable to someone affords you a sound reason for keeping your word. This makes it all the more worthwhile for adhering to your habit.
In leaving, resist over-thinking or falling victim to your emotions as the going gets tough. Your mind will naturally find excuses to jeopardise your progress. Do not buy into the excuses.
Remember why you set out to form the new habit in the first place.
You've decided to create a new habit to curtail your recent indulgence for over-eating. Your children have even made a passing remark, noticing your ‘winter weight,’ which has slowly crept up on you in recent times. The café lattes you sneak in throughout the day have become an unnecessary luxury. You've conceded defeat – it’s time to trade in the coffee card for the gym membership.
It must be said that forming new habits is challenging, since it disrupts both mind and body’s natural state of equilibrium. While the rational mind is quick to affirm an emphatic YES to the new habit, the emotional brain is not quite as enthusiastic to your new laid plans.
With any luck you’ve given it considerable thought, along with your strong emotional desire to make the change. Oftentimes, we have very little idea on the journey ahead until we embark upon it. In my early adult life I was at the mercy of my habits, given my susceptibility for my emotions to prevail. A number of well-intentioned habits were met with resistance mid-way, due to unreasonable expectations on my behalf.
As I approach middle age, I have had the good fortune to establish sound habits in various areas of life that continue to serve me well. Moreover in my work as a health and self-empowerment professional, I trust that my clients have benefited from my wise counsel and steep learning curve over the years.
I wish to outline five key points valuable for forming and maintaining new habits. Combined into your daily routine, they simultaneously shape the underlying desire to achieve lasting change.
“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.” - Stephen Covey
1. Understand the change cycle: Having worked in collaboration with a sports psychologist in recent times, I have come to understand the importance of the change cycle in forming new habits. Undoubtedly as you adopt new habits, you will be met with inner resistance since you are disrupting the mind and body’s stability. Knowing the six stages of change in advance, affords you realistic expectations of the journey ahead. A relevant piece of trivia: 33% of people who undertake a fitness membership cancel or seldom attend after the third month. Knowing people’s motivational habits wane over time, gyms purposely lure you into signing twelve month contracts paid in advance, with petty exit clauses.
2. Have a compelling reason: Avoid starting a new habit with the belief it is the right thing to do. Remember the conscious and emotional brain have different agendas, despite your best intentions. You will undoubtedly be met with resistance as the going gets tough since internal conflicts are bound to arise. It is advisable to adopt a purposeful intent why you wish to pursue the new habit. Motivational speaker Jim Rohn once quipped, “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” We all know the pain of discipline bears lighter on our conscience than the pain of regret. Reconnecting with your WHY? will help you connect with your conscious and emotional intentions. Connecting with your original intention to start a new habit is paramount for success. As the journey gathers momentum, setbacks and inner resistance are often enough to derail your progress.
3. Chunk it down: Break down the goal into smaller goals. Pursue one habit or goal at a time, until you have become proficient with it. For example if your intention to ‘get fit’ means undertaking an exercise program, you might start with a series of gentle long walks early in the morning to test the waters. Don’t have ambitious expectations of how your health journey might take shape. Starting slow with the intention to gain momentum may be far more useful in the long run than quitting altogether. Allow the strength of the goal or habit to propel you towards action. As the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race.
4. Manage your environment: Remove temptations that are likely to derail your progress. If your new habit is to curb eating unhealthy foods, be sure to have your fridge and pantry stocked with healthy food options. Whilst this may seem trivial, during times of emotional need, the conscious brain becomes irrational leading to the probability of cheating. Therefore keep temptations out of sight where you can. Similarly, avoid falling into the lure of rewarding yourself with food. Your mind is incredibly astute at recognising this, having undergone thousands of years of evolution – it will find ways to use the rewards against you. Opt for rewards that are non-food related such as; massages, buying a new item of clothing, music, etc. It is important to factor resistance into the equation since you will invariably become unstuck at times. Do not be hard on yourself when/if this occurs. Use the time wisely to regroup and continue pursuing your habit.
5. Commit to the habit: Time to put the pedal to the metal! Smaller victories achieved early in the habit-forming period adds crucial momentum to your habit. Undertaking daily activity for an entire month is a timely approach for forming sound disciplinary behaviour. Daily action is paramount for maintaining impetus, rather than intermittent application. Aim for at least a 90%+ strike-rate during the initial month. I find it useful to use a range of tools as motivational aids. I purposely place coloured post-it notes around the home in places I often frequent. If using technology to motivate you, avoid falling victim to the technology, rather use it as support to help you stick to your newly laid plans.
As a final thought, setbacks are unavoidable at times throughout the habit forming period. Make a public declaration of your intended habit to a friend, work colleague or loved one. Make yourself accountable to someone that is likely to offer much needed support or who has walked in your shoes. Offer to return the favour. Being accountable to someone affords you a sound reason for keeping your word. This makes it all the more worthwhile for adhering to your habit.
In leaving, resist over-thinking or falling victim to your emotions as the going gets tough. Your mind will naturally find excuses to jeopardise your progress. Do not buy into the excuses.
Remember why you set out to form the new habit in the first place.
