Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 45

Stress Based Reduction Using Mindfulness

Learn how to manage your response to stress through mindfulness in this video blog.

Don’t forget to check out my latest course on curious.com titled, How to Build Powerful Relationships – A 10-part course with Tony Fahkry.

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How To Gain Inner Strength Using Willpower

“Willpower is likely the most important keystone habit there is. Willpower has more of an impact on individual success than intelligence, talent or education level.” – P. James Holland, The Power of Habit

Willpower is the distinguishable characteristic many strive to command, yet slips from our hands, like clutching at water.

Every human endeavour requires willpower, from the moment we wake until we retire to bed in the evening. Willpower demands our attention and tests our resolve when we least expect it.

If we want to improve our health, willpower tries our commitment when we pass by the confectionery section at the supermarket. Some people claim they have little willpower when in fact they don’t understand how to use it effectively.

Popularised in the late 60’s and early 70’s, the Marshmallow test was conducted by American psychologist Walter Mischel at Stanford University’s Bing Nursery School using four-year-old children.

Acknowledged as Emotional Intelligence (EQ), the test sought to gauge children’s capacity to delay gratification. Mischel claimed the results can accurately predict the children’s success later in life. These include: higher SAT scores, lower levels of substance abuse, lower likelihood of obesity, better response to stress and enhanced social skills, as reported by their parents.

Despite people’s perception, willpower can be gained. The mind can direct its focus on any task given the stimuli is held in the person’s awareness long enough.

“We act as though our supply of willpower were endless. As a result, we don’t consider it a personal resource to be managed, like food or sleep. This repeatedly puts us in a tight spot, for when we need our willpower the most, it may not be there,” affirm authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan in The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results.

Willpower is called upon to make decisions in everyday life and sure enough, gets used up well before we know it. We can react by being hard on ourselves for giving in to the task we are trying so hard to control.

Willpower then is dependent on timing and bringing a full tank of it to the task at hand. Because, if we have used it up on something prior, we can expect to have little of it in the next instance.

I consider the mind a chariot, tethered to wild horses ready to gallop at a moment’s notice. As the commander, it’s our mission to direct our mental energy on the task at hand.

Inner strength results in developing this mental resiliency.

In the study, The Physiology of Willpower: Linking Blood Glucose to Self-Control, it is shown a drop in blood sugar leads to a loss of willpower. This is because the brain needs high levels of glucose to exert self-control. When blood sugar runs low, the brain can’t spend the energy to override impulses.

Authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan state, “Think of willpower like the power bar on your cell phone. Every morning you start out with a full charge. As the day goes on, every time you draw on it you’re using it up. So as your green bar shrinks, so does your resolve, and when it eventually goes red, you’re done.”

“Willpower is the key to success. Successful people strive no matter what they feel by applying their will to overcome apathy, doubt or fear.” – Dan Millman

Consequently, delaying gratification calls us to exercise willpower which many of us do every day with food choices. It’s no wonder when tired, we are most vulnerable because the brain’s glucose resources are depleted.

Awareness is important for harnessing willpower. We must avoid slipping into subconscious states when pressed to make difficult decisions. A subconscious state is one devoid of conscious control or intent. It’s as though we’re on autopilot instead of directing our attention to the task at hand.

A prime example alluded to earlier is when one goes shopping. Despite not intending to buy junk food, you find your shopping trolley filled with ice-cream and non-essential food items.

Focus and attention are important when harnessing willpower. The ability to focus your attention on a task is vital. Yet, you want to be mindful not to overindulge since you may be inclined to use it up.

For this reason, don’t keep yourself in a constant state of willpower depletion. The president of the United States wears the same suit every day, because he doesn’t want to deplete his willpower making choices on what to wear or what to eat. Vital decision-making is best left for more pressing matters.

Charles Duhigg author of The Power Of Habit affirms, “Willpower isn’t just a skill. It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms or legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things.”

To overcome this restriction, develop strong habits to lean on when your willpower is low or exhausted. Sound habits are automatic resting points to fall back on. When you’re most tired, hungry, anxious, thirsty or uncomfortable, knowing you can shift to automatic behaviours helps you navigate a drop in willpower.

Similarly, meditation or self-reflective activity is helpful in calming the mind during anxious periods when willpower is called upon. Meditation activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps calm the body and mind during tense periods.

Author Charles Duhigg reminds us once more, “THE GOLDEN RULE OF HABIT CHANGE: You Can’t Extinguish a Bad Habit, You Can Only Change It.” This gives us a clue why many of our well-intended actions fail: we’re trying to stop an old behaviour, like snacking on junk food late at night instead of replacing the habit with a new behaviour, like snacking on fruit instead.

For willpower to be a source inner strength, we must expect it ahead of time. “This is how willpower becomes a habit: by choosing a certain behaviour ahead of time, and then following that routine when an inflection point arrives,” states Charles Duhigg

Despite people’s beliefs, the more we use willpower in the right setting, the more of it we have to use when it matters most.

Finally, don’t be hard on yourself when you slip up. Like any new habit, there’s a period of learning and growth at the beginning until we master the skill.

In no time, you will have gained inner strength and the willpower to overcome any obstacle life gives you.

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Letting Go Of Judging Others

“Before you judge someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do, you’ll be a mile away and you’ll have their shoes.” – Unknown

The Brazilian novelist Paulo Coelho writes:

A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbour hanging the washing outside.

“That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

Her husband looked on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbour hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”

The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

Our intolerance of others is largely influenced by the filters we use to perceive them. Regrettably, a distorted lens composed of one’s prejudices and limitations obscures our interaction with people.

We are absorbed in our own reality, to walk a mile in another person’s shoes comes at the expense of judging them.

Judgement of others then signifies a lack of self-acceptance, because we are at war with ourselves. To appease our pain, we cast aspersions onto others to feel good.

Judging can become entrenched into our psyche so we become oblivious to it. As we make sense of the world early in life, we label and judge what we like and dislike. Moreover, the mind’s inherent negativity bias means we exercise unfavourable judgement to explain other people’s actions, much to our misfortune.

Judgement perpetuates a destructive mindset since we support this negativity when we entertain such thoughts. To overcome our criticism of people, we can be mindful of our thoughts as they arise.

Equally, self-judgement is difficult to spot because it becomes addictive and we may not be aware of doing it. At its core, judging others reflects our narrow assessment of ourselves.

“If I notice myself judging, I simply witness it and come back to the moment and to what the person facing me is experiencing. If I notice that I am transferring my own fears onto the other, I tap myself on the shoulder metaphorically and redirect my attention to what the other is feeling,” affirms psychotherapist and teacher David Richo.

We have little idea of the complexity of other people. Our judgement is often based on what we see, albeit through an ambiguous lens. There is more depth to a person than our perception of them.

Judging others offers us the opportunity to get curious. Rather than direct anger outwards, we become curious and note where the judgement arises. What could it be advising us?

Conceivably, underneath every judgement is the need for love, acceptance and validation. Unless we get to the core of the issue, we will perpetuate the same disempowering emotions.

“Judging is preventing us from understanding a new truth. Free yourself from the rules of old judgments and create the space for new understanding.” – Steve Maraboli

We seldom have any right to judge others because we are unaware of their values, beliefs and outlook. Whilst we might disagree on their life choices, we are mere bystanders exposed to a facet of their being.

Instead of judging them, contemplate the consequences of their actions. This is likely to reveal a deeper layer to their motivation instead of skimming the surface.

Thus, I invite you to see others through the eyes of compassion since your judgement of them serves nobody. I am drawn to the Dalai Lama’s quote, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

We can become aware when we judge others by observing our thoughts. Judgement has a negative felt energy and if we are attuned to it, we can meet it with openness. Therefore, mindfulness allows us to witness our thoughts before acting on them.

The Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh states, “You have to practice breathing mindfully in and out so that compassion always stays with you. You listen without giving advice or passing judgment. You can say to yourself about the other person, ‘I am listening to him just because I want to relieve his suffering.’ This is called compassionate listening.”

Reframe self-talk by investigating your inner dialogue. Don’t succumb to destructive thoughts, instead confront them with truthfulness, knowing the self-constructed narrative has no authority unless you award it power.

You can label your thoughts when you notice yourself judging others. Take notice when you are judging and follow where the self-sabotaging thoughts lead you.

I use an inner mantra when I catch myself unconsciously judging others. I silently affirm to myself, “Isn’t that interesting.” The thought is neutral and does not impose my prejudices on them. Instead, I witness it through the eyes of equanimity.

Another useful approach is to move into your body. We spend a great deal of time engaged in our thoughts, while at the mercy of believing them. Breathe into your body and become mindful of your body sensations.

Exercise and movement is useful to dissipate negative emotions. I’m amazed how good I feel following a brief jog or a resistance session which disperses the cycle of habitual thoughts.

Emotionally resilient people avoid judging others because they recognise the futility of it. Instead, they focus channelling their strengths rather than feeding their weaknesses.

It is vital we heal our pain and resolve the wounds of our past.

Dr. Alex Lickerman writes in The Undefeated Mind, “For if we can approach people first and foremost not with judgment but with curiosity we’ll have taken an important step on the journey to compassion and thus to an undefeated mind.”

To condemn others perpetuates a fear-based mindset and deflects having to look deep into ourselves.

As the opening story reminds us, seeing others through a darkened lens is toxic to our emotional wellbeing.

Not only do we form a distorted view of people, we diminish our self-worth and project our unresolved emotions on them, instead of meeting them with compassion.

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How To Play Big In The Game Of Life

“The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.” – Benjamin Disraeli

Long ago, a man was reading the morning newspaper and noticed his name in the obituary column. Much to his surprise, the newspapers had reported the death of the wrong person.

His first response was shock. When he regained his composure, he sought to find out what people said of him.

The obituary read, “Dynamite King Dies” and “He was the merchant of death.”

Given the man was the inventor of dynamite, being christened the “merchant of death” was not how he wanted to be remembered.

After a moment of reflection, he decided to renew his life purpose. From that day on, he vowed to work towards peace.

His name was Alfred Nobel and he is widely known today by the great Nobel Prize.

How do you want to be remembered?

What lasting impression do you wish to leave behind?

Whilst we seldom contemplate our own mortality, reflecting on the value of our life allows us to consider what is important. Life can be lived at an incredible pace that we sometimes fail to recognise its significance, no sooner than it vanishes.

I urge you to play big in the game of life irrespective of fame, fortune or success. It is vital we honour our talents, resources and gifts to the best of our ability.

It is your duty to bring to life the best version of yourself regardless of your limitations. Being at your best is an evolving process, yet the one true constant is that you improve without settling.

“What you believe about yourself and your world is the primary determinant to what you do and, ultimately, how well you do it,” affirms sports psychologist Stan Beecham in Elite Minds: Creating the Competitive Advantage.

What we receive in life is proportional to what we believe we deserve. History has shown less talented people having achieved outstanding success owing to their commanding self-belief.

I invite you to overcome your fears and push past your resistance as you make the leap forward. These two aspects alone keep you stranded because your life’s objectives become diluted, through the fog of separation.

Sacrifice is essential in any field where the prize is big. Nothing is gained standing on the side-lines. Even time is a sacrifice when pursuing your passion.

Those who play small, receive smaller rewards. Those who take risks with little assurances, are compensated owing to their enduring commitment. Life honours those willing to risk it all and play big.

In his acclaimed book Mastery, author Robert Greene states, “In the end, the money and success that truly last come not to those who focus on such things as goals, but rather to those who focus on mastery and fulfilling their Life’s Task.”

The life task he speaks of is your one true purpose that flames your inner desires and awakens your potential. Life mirrors your commitment to excellence. For this reason, be vigilant how you spend your time and energy.

“A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.” – Bob Dylan

Similarly reframe failure as an investment in future success. Why have we become so scared of failure nowadays? I believe it’s because we equate failure to self-worth. You are not a failure if an outcome does not result as planned. The outcome has failed, directing you to try a different approach next time.

It was Albert Einstein who said if you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.

You cannot lose in the game of life where lessons are learned and wisdom is gained. Success arrives when you least expect it, due to the hard work and tireless commitment to greatness.

Self-doubt is a killer of many dreams; one should conquer it before it flourishes. Avoid cowering in defeat to rising doubts, yet rise above your challenges with renewed strength. Doubts are lingering thoughts that disappear when you take inspired action.

In light of this, develop an insatiable self-belief and nurture it daily. Become the CEO of your own enterprise and command it with steadfast leadership. Don’t wait for others to acknowledge your talents, genius and gifts. Greet the world with passion and enthusiasm.

Stan Beecham writes, “Beliefs control biology, biology controls behaviour, and behaviour determines success.”

Moreover, create your own definition of success. Don’t be lulled into other people’s definition of success since you’ll forever chase your tail trying to live up to other’s expectations.

Focus on what matters and allow everything else not conducive to your potential to fall away. If it does not resonate with you, let it go so something better will fill its place.

Overcome your fears and focus on what you can achieve. If you are pulled by your fears, you perceive life from a constrained mindset. Reaching for the skies while lying on your back is not conducive to your potential. Get on your feet and make daily advances toward that which you seek.

“Courage is your compass. It illuminates your path” avows Sean Patrick in Awakening Your Inner Genius.

We all know success is attained through hard work and commitment. The mental and emotional resilience gained over time, forms a successful mindset to attract the right opportunities.

If we wish to be remembered after we’re gone, we must live for something deeper while still alive. Alfred Nobel knew being an explosive’s expert was not how he intended to live out his days and so he created a new destiny.

I urge you to think with the end in mind to live a significant life. From that space you create an exceptional life using your talents, gifts and genius to serve others.

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How To Gain Clarity On What Matters Most

“Open your mind, allow your feelings to be expressed, to be pushed out, and your heart will neither break nor burst, but be a free-flowing channel of the life energy in your soul.” – Neale Donald Walsch

The philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said that life is not a problem to be solved; it’s a mystery to be experienced.

Contained within that message lies a conceivable reality if we will embrace it.

The principle underlying most self-help guidance is to surrender control on how circumstances play out. The need to influence conditions is an illusion since we have limited power.

What if underneath our desire for control lies the need for safety?

It’s widely held that what we want and what we need are distinctly opposed. Upon examination, we realise our desires are obscured by past conditioning to maintain a sense of security.

Yet open any news bulletin and you’ll see how little control we have within the natural order of events. Jamie Smart writes in his book Clarity: Clear Mind, Better Performance, Bigger Results, “In your waking experience of reality, your mind continuously creates and perceives a world simultaneously… So well that you don’t feel your mind doing the creating.”

The creating he refers to functions beneath the surface of the subconscious mind. Through the neuroscience of freewill, it takes 300ms to evoke a response from your nervous system, demonstrating the updating of working memory. At 500ms we are thinking about what we saw for the first time. In the context of free will, your mind is one step ahead of your nervous system before you intend to act.

So what does this mean when gaining clarity on what matters?

The mind is notorious for pulling us in different directions.

To pierce the essence of our existence, we surrender our self-fabricated story and allow the truth to emerge, beneath the rubble of misperception. Yet, for many to discard their long-held beliefs is painful as throwing money down the drain.

To gain clarity we connect with our soul nature which knows the best path to take and uncover our truth along the way.

The late Dr. David Hawkins spoke of finding one’s truth and living it as best we can. Living your truth may oppose others and even annoy them. Yet to support a distorted view of reality because it supplicates to their needs is deleterious to our human potential.

“Living an authentic life is probably the most challenging thing a human being can endeavour to undertake because it is not the way of the world, but it is the way of the heart that connects you to what is real, what is meaningful, and what is eternal,” affirms author and teacher Dennis Merritt Jones in Your Redefining Moments: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be.

I find it helpful to re-examine my purpose when I am pulled in different directions. Do I want to pursue my deepest desires or be at the mercy of others while living an inauthentic life?

“Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.” – John Keats

Ultimately, I want to live my calling, my purpose and truth as much as life will allow me. This does not mean I won’t encounter situations to test my resolve. Knowing life is a mystery to be experienced, I trust as long as I take daily action toward my dreams, I am moving in the right direction.

It’s apparent that life offers us no assurances.

Clarity is apparent the moment we direct our inner compass toward that which we long for, instead of waiting for external conditions to dictate our future.

Many people believe life is done to them instead of lived through them. This subjective view of reality diminishes their personal power. Life invites us to take proper action and matches it with the right opportunities to advance us to the next stage.

The Determinist view states that life functions within the container of a self-organising system. Experience and wisdom has taught me to stay attentive to the signs and symbols which play out in my life. These signs lead me to connect with my inner wisdom and correct my course if I veer off direction.

How will I know when I veer off course?

My actions become mechanical and devoid of inspiration. I find myself stuck instead of Navigating my life’s purpose. Problems arise and as Albert Einstein reminds us, the same mind that creates those problems, is not the same mind which solves them.

“Attention is valuable because it’s not just an act of focusing your mind on a single point, it is the bringing of your very essence, your soul—the most valuable thing you have—fully into the moment, to perceive with clarity,” affirms author and intuitive counsellor Penney Peirce.

To discover what matters most means to live the questions we put forth. What you believe was once important, is an incomplete perception of reality pulling you in a direction not of your choosing.

You can be pulled by your troubles or you can lead with your solutions.

The latter invites you to find your own North Star as author Martha Beck calls us to discover. To have life imposed upon us prevents living an authentic life. Our authenticity is the one true freedom awarded us at the moment of conception. It is a carte blanche with no conditions other than we embrace it wholeheartedly.

I enjoy psychotherapist David Richo’s perspective in his book, The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them, “You can learn to trust that there is a sane, wise, and nurturant resource within you. In fact, the more you know what you really want, the less desperately you need it. This happens because your self-esteem, confidence, and clarity grow.”

It is with that knowing we arrive full circle to Søren Kierkegaard’s sentiments to embrace the mysteries of life through experience.

Only then can we gain clarity on what matters most amid the pursuit of excellence.

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Finding Joy When Life Hurts Most

“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” – Joseph Campbell

If you were to ask any person whether they want to wake up joyful every morning, I’m certain they would reply a resounding yes.

Happiness is a key desire, yet many people are unhappy to the degree that joy eludes them. In fact, a good deal are miserable. I don’t want to offer a bleak picture, yet observe any media story and you’ll soon realise how people are attracted to bad news.

In Australia, one in four people on average experience depression at some stage of their life. This number is alarming. Many more are unhappy to the point they wake up apathetic, sad and dissatisfied with life.

This is not how it should be. You are not born to live out your days depressed or sad. Happiness should not be elusive.

It is for this reason personal and spiritual development experts offer methods to attain happiness in thirty days or less.

It is possible to experience joy. You can be happy irrespective of your past or current situation. You have choices and how you respond to your circumstances determines your level of happiness.

It was the late Dr. Wayne Dyer who said, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” Whilst you may not feel rapture every day, you can attain joyfulness and contentment by choosing to do so.

“I think of happiness as a deeply felt sense of joy and well-being, flourishing within a balanced, stable, integrated heart and mind,” states Lama Surya Das in The Big Questions: How to Find Your Own Answers to Life’s Essential Mysteries.

Ask those who experience happiness, the reason for their exuberance and you will get varied responses. Yet they all agree their path to joy was borne out of painful circumstances. Many encountered dark periods in which they dug deep into their core to find joy.

“The dark night of the soul is a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness,” states spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle who experienced prolonged periods of depression.

The journey into the dark night of the soul compels people to discover an eternal river of joy once resistance is overcome. Mental and emotional blocks such as: negativity, pride, materialism, greed, selfishness, fear and anger overshadow our spiritual essence.

Research professor and author, Brené Brown writes in her recent book Rising Strong, “There are too many people today who instead of feeling hurt are acting out their hurt; instead of acknowledging pain, they’re inflicting pain on others. Rather than risking feeling disappointed, they’re choosing to live disappointed.”

“The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.” – Jim Rohn

I recall the story of a friend who lost their child in a terrifying house fire years ago. The pain suffered due to their loss engulfed the family with unending grief. They were devastated and experienced intense anguish and emptiness. Their dreams were shattered and negative emotions soon filled their lives.

They could have stayed in their dark place, overwhelmed by the crushing sorrow. Many people remain in dark places for long periods. They may not have the emotional resilience to escape the pain or are weakened to make the effort. Yet, this couple dug deep within their core knowing if they did not attend to their wellbeing, they would cease to exist. Therapy arrived at the right time to help them conquer their anger and sadness. In time, they shared their story with others and in doing so, healed and renewed their life.

“Forgiveness does not mean condoning, pardoning, forgetting, false reconciliation, appeasement, or sentimentality. It is a practice, daily and lifelong, of cultivating our own inner peace and wisdom that allows us to see that our pain is part of the pain of all human beings universally, to reset our moral compass, and to remain compassionate even in the face of injustice, betrayal, and harm,” writes Linda Graham in Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being.

Painful places cause people to re-evaluate circumstances they wouldn’t normally if things are going well. You’ve no doubt heard people discuss how undergoing a tough period opened their eyes to valuable truths they might have missed otherwise.

It is easy to get bogged down with work, family commitments and further obligations. The routine and fast pace of life puts the brakes on pursuing activities we enjoy. Responsibilities and expectations lead us to a dark place and when we least expect it, depression consumes us in little time.

Pain in life is inevitable, but you need not stay stuck in pain. Allow it to do its work and push you to rise above it. The human spirit is resilient and capable of overcoming life’s trials when put to the test. Water finds its own level and so can you.

If you are struggling with pain and sadness, take time off to connect with your pain. If you believe in a higher power, call for insights and strength to overcome your struggle. Read inspirational books or join a support group. Being in the company of others helps us overcome adversity by sharing our sadness and grief. You need not go it alone.

In his book Falling into Grace the American spiritual teacher Adyashanti states, “In this moment of grace, we see that whatever might be there in our experience, from the most difficult emotional challenges to the most causeless joy, occurs within a vast space of peace, of stillness, of ultimate well-being.”

Life is precious and to live it joyfully is a great blessing. The path to joy comprises pain, though the essence of your pain involves getting through it to experience abundant joy.

At your core, you are peace and joy.

Sense it. Embrace it. Live it. Be one with it.

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Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

“As you move outside of your comfort zone, what was once the unknown and frightening becomes your new normal.” – Robin S. Sharma

It was Neale Donald Walsh who quipped, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

He was drawing awareness to move out of our safety zone to experience the richness of life.

Your comfort zone is a safety net where anxiety levels and the status quo are preserved. It is your harbour of contentment.

Mankind has an inherent drive for safety, wired into his DNA to seek food, water and shelter for survival.

However, once those needs a met, apathy and listlessness sets in since the mind becomes accustomed to certainty. In fact, it will go in search of it to maintain harmony and order.

Staying comfortable suits some people. The axiom, nothing ventured, nothing gained serves as a reminder that being contented does not yield the success we search for.

The mind has a negativity bias that any attempt to move out of our comfort zone is met with unease.

This is evident when we’re in a dreary job or an unfulfilled relationship.

If life is chaotic we are likely to feel overwhelmed and stressed. The key is to attain balance in-between, since being outside of our comfort zone can add further stress.

It is normal to experience anxiety when we’re uncomfortable. The body responds to perceived fear as a precautionary survival mechanism.

Yet, anxiety impairs our ability to gain new information because the mind cannot reason when stuck in a stressed state. It alerts us to impending danger if we move out of our comfort zone by impairing performance.

Being comfortable may also be age related.

As we mature, we become set in our ways and less likely to take risks. The lure of perceived rewards may not be as appealing beyond a certain age.

The pain-pleasure principle refers to your motivation to seek gratification or avoid pain. To venture beyond your comfort zone is influenced by how you relate to pain or pleasure.

“Choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. It wasn’t always a choice; we were born curious. But over time, we learn that curiosity, like vulnerability, can lead to hurt. As a result, we turn to self-protecting— choosing certainty over curiosity, armour over vulnerability, and knowing over learning,” states Brené Brown in her recent book, Rising Strong.

Yet, taking risks is shown to enhance self-esteem and self-worth. Even if we fail, we are likely to discover a new horizon and gain wisdom related to our strengths and weaknesses. Thus, we create an internal reference point the next time we enter uncharted waters.

Similarly, to push past our comfort zone can cripple and inhibit performance.

We must be vigilant in safeguarding our personal interest so as not to move beyond the tipping point of stress and anxiety. It may be akin to walking a tightrope while striving for balance.

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” – Abraham Maslow

Nevertheless, optimal performance is attained outside our comfort zone.

We seldom achieve success when we’re comfortable, because everything is familiar. There is little need to draw on your mental faculties when you’re in the safe zone.

We must commit ourselves to take bold risks if we seek to become the finest version of ourselves.

To move beyond your comfort zone requires smaller steps to confront your fears, whilst managing discomfort. We learn to become comfortable with uncertainty like how elite forces such as the Navy Seals are trained.

It’s no surprise that personal growth becomes apparent beyond our comfort zone. In extending ourselves, we celebrate our gains as we accomplish new skills and emotional resiliency along the way.

The late Stephen R. Covey reminds us in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “It takes an enormous amount of internal security to begin with the spirit of adventure, the spirit of discovery, the spirit of creativity. Without doubt, you have to leave the comfort zone of base camp and confront an entirely new and unknown wilderness. You become a trailblazer, a pathfinder. You open new possibilities, new territories, new continents, so that others can follow.”

Cultivating new thoughts leads to a rise in awareness. Our Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is reinforced when we venture beyond our comfort zone.

We find our optimal anxiety zone which leads to improvements over time. This will vary according to individuals, yet the key is not to become complacent.

It must be said, you need not stay uncomfortable to reap the rewards. Long term discomfort can damage your self-esteem and put the brakes on performance. Instead, focus on making small strides towards your endeavours until you profit from the experience.

Mankind can withstand most circumstances. Evolution has allowed us to survive harsh conditions and engineer our biology with the tools to sustain life.

That adaptability can work for or against us depending on our actions. If we stay idle, we risk rusting out, thus impairing our personal development.

“However, if you were rarely exposed to growth experiences or taken outside of your comfort zone, then you may have to work harder to cultivate a positive attitude toward positive personal growth,” affirms American author and speaker John C. Maxwell in The Difference Maker: Making Your Attitude Your Greatest Asset.

It is the fear of the unknown that frightens us most, not change itself.

We can mitigate this uncertainty by reframing it as Stephen R. Covey avows, “Create an internal “comfort zone.” Then, when you get into the situation, it isn’t foreign. It doesn’t scare you.”

He is referring to creating an inner sanctuary when change overwhelms us. Within that space is the reassurance that what eventuates cannot disrupt what is familiar.

Given life begins at the end of your comfort zone, what lies beyond your perceived security is far greater than your habituated environment.

Life undergoes constant change and we must celebrate the challenging journey if we strive for a more enriching life.

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The Power To Transform Your Life

“I can affect change by transforming the only thing that I ever had control over in the first place and that is myself.” – Deepak Chopra

“When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she has always been.”

“But she had wings,” writes author Dean Jackson in The Poetry of Oneness.

Self-transformation remains fundamental to the human condition. The ability to impact our life through change remains our greatest virtue.

Yet, most people sail through life powerless to venture beyond their comfort zone. It is there they stay until circumstances compel them to take action.

If we wish to transform, it must be framed within the proper context to make the change sustainable. One must become curious how they intend their life to be, while disregarding the negative aspects of the change.

To focus on life’s denials reinforces them, thus change emerges for the wrong reasons.

Let’s not sugar coat it, change is difficult.

One need only refer to the change cycle to note self-transformation is a tumultuous landslide interspersed with detours, highs and lows. Yet, if approached with the right intention, a change in circumstances yields life-lasting benefits.

Many people resist change because it can be difficult and disruptive.

Why disturb the status quo, they proclaim.

Yet if we allow for change, an inner shift is made to usher in the new, fresh and vital energy grounded in receptivity to the upcoming attractions.

Transformation, like the overused caterpillar analogy, coincides with a shift in awareness to shape our reality.

Author Michael A. Singer states in his recent book, The Surrender Experiment, “What I saw was that no matter who we are, life is going to put us through the changes we need to go through. The question is: Are we willing to use this force for our transformation? I saw that even very intense situations don’t have to leave psychological scars, if we are willing to process our changes at a deeper level.”

“Man, alone, has the power to transform his thoughts into physical reality; man, alone, can dream and make his dreams come true.” – Napoleon Hill

I offer the following points to help influence change in your life. Undoubtedly, change and self-transformation must be approached intending to improve your life, while accepting your current circumstances.

Own Your Situation: If we seek change, no one will make the shift until we decide to. We are the sole investor in the corporation called, Our Life. To own your situation means taking responsibility for the life you create. If you are unhappy with your current circumstances, acknowledge your unhappiness, yet do not believe reality is fixed. It is anything but fixed. As you shift from perpetuating a wounded mindset, power is realised to usher in the change. The wounded perpetuate a malicious cycle of self-torment, believing they are at the mercy of life. Owning your situation means empowering yourself to make changes congruent with an increase in personal power.

Accept Your Circumstances: Human suffering ensues when we resist what emerges. Your opposition to what is, shows inner resistance and moves you into a disempowered state. Author Hale Dwoskin of the self-enquiry program The Sedona Method states, “That’s because the most powerful place to create what we choose is from the position that it’s “okay” whether we get it or not. This model applies to all areas of our lives.” Your life’s circumstances are perfect to shape your personal development, irrespective of whether you see it that way. The moment you accept your circumstances, self-transformation sets into motion.

Let Go of Resistance: Self-judgement and judgement of others keeps us stuck recycling the past into the present moment. Judgement is a toxic emotion because we concede to it, believing we are not in control. Past conditioning governs our actions and limiting beliefs discourage positive change. We may be in a rut and unable to transform our life, owing to the distorted lens which we perceive our current circumstances. In my earlier book The Power to Navigate Life I state, “Judging yourself and others is too easy, since it shifts the blame from looking within and dealing with those parts we dislike. Those who remain Parked in life feel the need to label and judge others, believing the world is wrong and they are right.”

Honour Your Emotions: Are there circumstances which transpired long ago that you hold on to as pain or anger? Were you victimised, criticised, abused, or neglected? Investigate the negative feelings so you can take an honest look at them. Feel your feelings. Yes, that’s right, connect with the emotions but do not attach meaning to them. To acknowledge your feelings requires courage, especially if they have been stowed away for years. Don’t allow negative or untoward feelings come between you and the remarkable future which awaits. Whilst it is daunting to deal with negative emotions, it pales into insignificance to the havoc wreaked if the emotions are neglected.

I am drawn once more to Hale Dwoskin’s quote from The Sedona Method, “There are no problems in the present moment. I saved this piece for now, because I know this may be hard for you to accept, but—what if all the supposed problems you have right now are only memories? I challenge you to explore this question for yourself and at least entertain the possibility.”

The power of the human will is unbending – it can bring opportunities into being once your resolve is firm. It was the British politician Benjamin Disraeli who declared, “Nothing can withstand the power of the human will if it is willing to stake its very existence to the extent of its purpose.”

In transforming our lives we leave behind a part of us to gain something more powerful; the wings to experience a renewed existence for whom we aspire to become.

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Book Review – Gotcha! by Dr. Eldon Taylor

“Many believe that self-help and self-improvement is about rags to riches, failure to success, and so forth, when indeed it is the beginning of a journey into self- discovery . . . Inside every human being is an eternal truth and a life purpose. Using our mind power is simply starting the engine on that journey of self-discovery and highest self-actualization.”

Upon first impression, Dr. Eldon Taylor’s Gotcha! The Subordination of Free Will is a clever interplay between Michael Gazzaniga’s book, Who’s In Charge: Free Will And The Science Of The Brain and Robert Cialdini’s: Influence: Science and Practice. Gotcha! The Subordination of Free Will is a call to awaken humanity from its unconscious sleep. The book is an inner exploration of critical thinking which many of us give little attention to until thrust into our awareness.

I am drawn to Dr. Taylor’s passage in the book which states, “The journey of life is really about living into our authentic selves. The first big gotcha is to hide that fact from us, to enculturate us in ways that foster the interests of society as a whole or of an elite few, while organizing the rest of us to conform and thereby consume.” The book takes the reader into unsettling places where things aren’t as they appear until we dig deeper.

In order for mankind to evolve, we must step out of our unconscious dream to penetrate the truth of reality. Dr. Taylor’s research is thorough and revelatory, striking at the core of our being. I am reminded of Mel Gibson’s film Conspiracy Theory, with insightful facts interspersed throughout the book that left me reconsidering many assumptions.

Gotcha! The Subordination of Free Will offers a thought provoking quest into free will, which is nothing more than an illusion according to Dr. Taylor. You will question everything and take nothing for granted by the close of the book. This does not mean one becomes paranoid about everyday life. Instead, we give greater consideration to what we perceive, because of our conditioned past. There is always something lurking beneath the surface and Dr. Taylor’s book is can opener, peeling back the lid on that world.

Question everything and as Thomas Dewar reminds us, “Minds are like parachutes; they work best when open.”

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Why You Are Not Your Thoughts

“Where does a thought go when it’s forgotten?” – Sigmund Freud

Quick!

What are you going to think next?

Yes, it was a trick question since you’re unlikely to know what thoughts will emerge until they actually do.

Yet, identifying with thoughts is an unsupportive habit given they seem real when you experience them.

It was French philosopher René Descartes who stated Cogito ergo sum, meaning, “I think therefore I am.” He was proposing that thoughts are evidence you exist.

Much has evolved since then, given that philosophers and neuroscientists now agree our thoughts do not define us.

Thoughts emerge from consciousness and slip away as easily as they appear. To associate with your thoughts is misleading since some thoughts are not useful.

Take for example the inner dialogue that occupies your mind when you’re at the park noticing a person playing with their dog.

Your awareness registers what you see through your nervous system, yet your mind is compelled to add a dialogue about what it perceives.

“What a cute dog, it has so much energy,” you reason.

Observing the dog alone is not enough, the mind feels compelled to narrate what it sees.

There lies the problem.

The mind adds its own narrative to everyday events which we accept as truth. This narrative is often negative.

“People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on,” states Eckhart Tolle in The Power of Now.

It must be said you are the witnesser of your thoughts.

Thoughts occur through you, like a radio transmitting a frequency signal. You are not the signal, but the receiver of the signal.

Thoughts alone are not the single cause of our suffering and unhappiness. It is when we identify and attach ourselves to them we stumble.

Author and teacher Byron Katie wrote in Loving What Is: “When we believe our thoughts instead of what is really true for us, we experience the kinds of emotional distress that we call suffering. Suffering is a natural alarm, warning us that we’re attaching to a thought; when we don’t listen, we come to accept this suffering as an inevitable part of life. It’s not.”

It comes as no surprise that thoughts are likely to change as you mature.

What you regarded in your teens is no longer useful as an adult because you have outgrown your environment. Comparable to the childhood toys you no longer play with, new thoughts occupy space in your mind to reflect your current reality.

Similarly, you cannot stop thoughts occurring any more than preventing vital body functions. Our aim should be to reduce the volume on thoughts by becoming the perceiver, thus identifying with them less.

Mindfulness is a useful tool when we experience runaway thoughts. Our aim is to allow them to enter our awareness and notice them instead of becoming invested in them.

The moment we place our awareness on identifying and attaching ourselves to transitory thoughts, we relinquish control.

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” – Eckhart Tolle

Power is maintained in choosing thoughts over others.

“Most of our self-talk is unconscious; we are not even aware of it. At times our self-talk comes in feelings that can’t quite be put into words. At other times it comes in little flashes, flickers of thoughts which never quite catch fire or glow bright enough or last long enough to become ideas, clearly thought out and understood,” states motivational psychologist Dr. Shad Helmstetter in What To Say When You Talk To Your Self.

Reflect on this for a moment.

You are only aware of thoughts in your awareness for that is where they exist. Take into account those fleeting thoughts that come and go which you don’t have time to associate with.

What of the thoughts that enter your stream of consciousness while dreaming?

Why don’t you accept those as real?

Thoughts require an observer, otherwise they are nothing more than a floating barrage of matter contained within consciousness.

“No matter how lost you sometimes get in thoughts of lack, worry and insecurity, who you really are is always the same… Peace, freedom, wisdom, clarity and love,” states Jamie Smart in Clarity.

A thought appears real when given enough attention. It’s as though your mind flags it in consciousness, like an email program. Yet, flagging it in your awareness draws focus to the thought until you orientate your attention elsewhere.

Whilst my intention is to convince you why you are not your thoughts, it would be remiss of me not to offer a solution for overcoming negative thoughts.

Who better than Eckhart Tolle to remind us, “Be present as the watcher of your mind – of your thoughts and emotions as well as your reactions in various situations. Be at least as interested in your reactions as in the situation or person that causes you to react.”

Avoid the inner dialogue that accompanies negative thoughts, since it sparks the negative thinking process and can lead you into a dark hole that engulfs you.

To follow your thoughts means to agree with them. To dismiss insignificant thoughts however, allows them to pass through consciousness without occupying mental energy.

If we seek to trace our thoughts, we realise they emerge from the depths of our psyche. Yet, to ruminate on disempowering thoughts reinforces them in the mind.

Thoughts are influenced by our: beliefs, the past, moods, nutrition, illness and level of consciousness. By changing these where possible, we shift the intensity of future thoughts.

Author Rick Hanson states in his book Buddha’s Brain, “There’s evidence that negative memory – both explicit and implicit – is especially vulnerable to change soon after it’s been recalled.” (Monfils, et al. 2009)

To overcome the weight of negative thinking, we attend to thoughts as they emerge and intercept them before they wreak havoc.

You won’t know what you’re likely to think next because thoughts are unpredictable owing to our ever fluctuating environment.

I leave you with something to reflect upon the next time you are inclined to ruminate on a thought. You are not your thoughts because thoughts come and go and you should allow them to do so with little attachment.

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