Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 41

How To Overcome Feeling Stuck In Life

“When we feel stuck, going nowhere—even starting to slip backward—we may actually be backing up to get a running start.” — Dan Millman

It’s All Perception

You’ve tried everything to improve your life, but nothing changes. Frustration develops and you’re disappointed because you’re unable to resolve the situation.

Allow me to put your mind at ease over the coming paragraphs.

Here’s the good news. Remaining stuck is only a perception and does not represent your actual reality.

Now the not-so-good news. Feeling stuck is a sign something needs to change in your life. You might have an intuitive impulse to make those changes, but resist doing so for fear of change.

The key to overcoming being stuck is to distance ourselves from the drama to gain a wider perspective. That’s why taking a break is useful because we perceive our problem with a new mindset.

Albert Einstein said, “You can’t solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it.” He was referring to developing a higher perspective to solve a problem formed by outdated thinking.

We need a new paradigm to conquer being stuck, otherwise we approach our difficulties with obsolete thinking.

We need a new paradigm to conquer being stuck, otherwise we approach our difficulties with obsolete…
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The harder we try the less we see results, due to a change in conditions that have now progressed.

“Stuck on a problem? Step outside your head for a minute. How might your best friend approach the same problem? A scientist? A poet? A six-year-old? Your dog? A fresh solution — even a hilariously wrong one — might lead to a right one,” states author Victor J. Strecher in Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything.

Distance And Time Are The Antidote

Distance and time are two ingredients to transition from this state, since we gain clarity without being too invested in the outcome.

Journaling and talking to an unbiased person is beneficial to help you form a different opinion. What we consider stuck, is really a holding place to gather new information before embarking on a new adventure. Alternatively, it may be the seed of an opportunity fertilising itself for something better to transpire.

I enjoy the title quote by author Dan Millman who wrote, Way Of The Peaceful Warrior. He states that being stuck is an opportunity to gain a running start. What may have worked in the past is no longer useful to get us to the next point in our life.

“Remember, we get stuck because we’ve lost touch with a bigger sense of things. We forget that our stuck place is not an obstacle but rather our exact path to freedom. Yet this is only true if we’re willing to bring awareness to it,” affirms author Ezra Bayda in The Authentic Life: Zen Wisdom for Living Free from Complacency and Fear.

Often, being stuck is life shepherding us to the next stage of our life.

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” — Henry Ford

As an example, consider a failed relationship where one partner cheats on the other. If the relationship dissolves, the person who instigated the cheating might be remorseful for their actions and reflect on what caused them to behave this way.

If they don’t learn the lesson, they are stuck in the same destructive cycle. Think of a mouse running on a mouse wheel not going anywhere.

However, if the person is sorry, they will use this time to contemplate their actions and make amends to heal their negative actions. With any luck, they will have gained the awareness to transform their behaviour in the next relationship.

I appreciate the advice from author Dennis Merritt Jones who states in Your Redefining Moments: Becoming Who You Were Born to Be, “When the next disappointment pops up on your pathway to the life of your dreams — and it will at some point — slow down and, rather than getting stuck, allow yourself time to dig deep and connect with that creative, tireless genius within who knows how to get past the brick wall.”

When we’re stuck, our judgement can be clouded by frustration. We try desperately to overcome our negative feelings, instead of gaining valuable insights minus the undesirable emotional states.

Excuses Keep You Stuck Further

To move forward, be honest with yourself and avoid hiding behind excuses. This creates a victim mindset and keeps you stuck further.

Based on my experience coaching individuals over the years, this is the hardest phase. To assume ownership of our choices means we’re held accountable for our actions.

This is empowering because accepting responsibility means we co-create our life’s story and change the cycle of destructive habits.

Embracing your circumstances is the first step to move beyond your current state. It doesn’t mean you like what’s happening, instead you’re accepting that it’s taking place through you.

“Despite how stuck you may feel, you are here to dissolve the veil of denial with the power of your own loving support,” avows author Matt Kahn in Whatever Arises, Love That.

Distance yourself from the chaos to impartially assess what your situation is. What could being stuck teach you? Be honest and avoid sugar-coating the answer to appease yourself.

I assure you, getting past the sense of being stuck pales into insignificance to feeling good about yourself. One is short lived while the other is a permanent resolution to your troubles. Power is attained when we rise above our challenges.

Power is attained when we rise above our challenges.
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Second, welcome your circumstances instead of expecting it to resolve itself. It seldom does, until you examine your actions and find a solution. A poor solution is better than running away from pain because at the very least, it’s a starting point towards self-empowerment.

Sometimes life forces our hand to help us gain a new level of understanding for our personal development.

Consider your current experience as an opportunity to a better way of life.

As the saying goes, if nothing changes, nothing changes. Ultimately, the answer to rising above your situation lies in your response.

Will you stay stuck or step into a rewarding life?

Only you and the passage of time will tell.

The post How To Overcome Feeling Stuck In Life appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

18 Life Principles For Greater Living

“It is easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.” – Alfred Adler

We all have a set of principles we abide by. Ask any person about their values and beliefs and they’ll respond according to what’s important to them.

I’ve noticed a central theme in my advice since first writing about: personal development, motivation and success. For the uninitiated, it can be summarised in the following eighteen points.

They are in no particular order and I urge you to identify with those you resonate with and incorporate them into your life.

Love More: Not just people or things, but yourself. Many of life’s problems result from a lack of self-love. To love more means to connect with the deeper intelligence that guides your being. You are the embodiment of love, irrespective of whether you’re hurt or betrayed. Set aside those feelings and know that you are the ocean swimming in a sea of love. Drown yourself in it.


Be Vigilant With Your Thoughts: Be mindful of your thoughts and don’t let them consume you. Do you think uplifting thoughts or are they filled with self-doubt and pessimism? Do you look for the silver lining in situations or do you consider what could go wrong? Do you have a fixed or growth-mindset? Despite people’s beliefs, our thoughts are not fixed. They’re shaped by being aware of them and not believing everything you think.


Practise Mindfulness: Bring your thoughts to the forefront of your mind and resist being a victim to unconscious behaviours. Mindfulness invites you to bring your attention to what’s taking place in your life instead of reliving past events. It means connecting with the present moment instead of being a victim to the past.


Regular Personal Development: Immerse yourself in inspiring material that encourages you to become someone of character. If we don’t shower, brush our teeth or exercise, we fall victim to destructive habits and pay the price as illness. People claim since they can’t see the benefits of personal development, everything is fine. I enjoy the quote from the late motivational speaker Zig Ziglar who said, “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Attitude Is Everything: Your attitude is more important than your outlook because it influences how you show up in life. How is a positive attitude developed? By overcoming life’s obstacles rather than retreating from them. As you approach life with courage, you overcome your fears that once crippled you.


Be Of Service To Others: We all have a purpose, some discover it early in life while sadly, others die with a song in their heart. You can be of service to others in the smallest way through your thoughts, words and actions. You needn’t lend your time to charities to be of service although it’s helpful. Give of your time and resources by enriching other people’s lives. Even sending peaceful thoughts to another person is a step in the right direction.


Character Is More Important Than Reputation: Your reputation can be destroyed in moments, while character takes a lifetime to build. Consider celebrities involved in scandals, who squander their character and reputation. Be mindful of who you’re becoming. Don’t forsake this for a reputation that lasts a fraction of the time to build good character.


Let Go Of Worry, Fear And Anxiety: Have you noticed what you worry about rarely happens? We’re notorious for fabricating stories to protect us in case such events transpire. Yet, if we continue down this path, we will attract these circumstances because of the energy devoted to it. Replace negativity with enriching thoughts that bring you closer to the life you wish to live.

“You can’t cross a sea by merely staring into the water.” — Rabindranath Tagore

Make Peace With The Past: I devoted an entire book to this titled, Reconstructing The Past To Create A Remarkable Future. To create this future we need to heal the past, to avoid excess baggage. You’ve heard it said, the past is a figment of your imagination and no longer exists. Reliving the past derails a bright future because your mind is stuck dwelling on something no longer relevant.


Happiness Comes From Within: The biggest fraud sold to mankind is that happiness is attained via: success, fame, wealth or a suitable partner. Yet, one need only look to people who have these things and are still unfulfilled, sometimes depressed. If you’re unhappy and gain wealth, you’ll continue to be unhappy because having more of these things amplifies what is lacking.


Surround Yourself With Great People: Especially those who bring out the best in you. If we lack self-esteem, we attract like-minded people. They are likely to notice the disowned parts within us we disapprove of. The other person will then reflect this through their interaction with us and we retaliate to prove them wrong. Surround yourself with people who see your greater qualities and don’t take you for granted.


Be Here And Now: Stop worrying about the future until it arrives. We worry about circumstances and miss out on the aliveness of the present moment. The future never arrives as we expect, so it’s pointless to worry about something that exists as thoughts. It’s wise to have: goals, dreams and ambitions. Yet, if we’re not aligned with the motivation to accomplish these things, when they arrive it will not be as we expect. This is how a midlife crisis ensues because our vision of the future does not match reality.


Practice Gratitude: Gratitude means to appreciate what you have in your life instead of what is lacking. We can focus on the negative or positive and either way we’re right. One brings unfavourable circumstances while the other carries positive aspects. Be grateful for the smallest things because somewhere, someone is longing for what you take for granted.


Forgive Yourself And Others: Forgiveness is a doorway to heal the past. Many people forgive others yet they’re unable to forgive themselves. I invite you to start with yourself first. Forgive yourself completely and open the window for love to heal. Remember, forgiveness does not mean to forget, it means to see the past in a new light.


Practice Acceptance And Detachment: Acceptance means not resisting what’s taking place in your life. Irrespective whether it’s an unfortunate situation, it can pave the way for something wonderful to transpire. Detachment means to distance ourselves from a desired outcome and allow circumstances to play out until the complete picture has emerged. Only then do we realise everything that takes place unfolds as it should, for our greater purpose.


Honour Your Feelings: Medical doctors now realise the harmful effects of toxic emotions which can lead to illness. Perhaps you were told not to express your emotions, apparent in cultures where it’s viewed as a sign of weakness. To connect with your emotions invites you to honour your feelings and express them in a healthy way. This doesn’t mean acting on your feelings of anger. Rather, investigate what the anger is seeking to represent.


Discover And Live Your Purpose: People who live their purpose lead healthier and robust lives. They’re happy pursuing that which makes their spirit come alive. There’s a purpose within you waiting to reveal itself. Dependent on your age, you may have realised it or are still discovering it. The key is to experiment until you find a purpose that resonates with you. Your purpose will bring joy to your life and those you serve.


Be Kind To Everyone You Meet: We’re often unaware how tough some people are doing it, until we get an insight in to their story. Don’t judge people like an oil painting because there’s greater depth to a person than you realise. We don’t get an impression of them until we really know them or walk in their shoes. Assume the best in everyone until they prove otherwise. Be kind and withhold judgement since that only defines you as a critic.

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Why Peace Is Only A Thought Away

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” — Dalai Lama

Inner Turmoil

To a disciple who was forever complaining about others, the Master said, “If it is peace you want, seek to change yourself, not other people. It is easier to protect your feet with slippers than to carpet the whole of the earth.”

The tale by Anthony de Mello reminds us that peace begins within. There’s no use demanding peace when we mock others and lead an unwholesome life.

Turmoil exists when we believe our thoughts are true. In fractured areas of the world, problems arise because people act out their thoughts.

To attain peace, we needn’t take part in peace rallies or demonstrations, for it is much simpler than that.

It starts with our thoughts and has a ripple effect in our life and the lives of others.

“When we hold on to our opinions with aggression, no matter how valid our cause, we are simply adding more aggression to the planet, and violence and pain increase. Cultivating nonaggression is cultivating peace. The way to stop the war is to stop hating the enemy,” states Pema Chodron in, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

Consider an inappropriate thought towards another person. If dwelled upon, it inflames other thoughts and leads to negative action.

Consider an inappropriate thought towards another person. If dwelled upon, it inflames other…
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The title of the article is adapted from a quote by the American brain neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor who experienced a stroke at the age of thirty-seven.

In her book titled, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey she states, “For me, it’s really easy to be kind to others when I remember that none of us came into this world with a manual about how to get it all right. We are ultimately a product of our biology and environment. Consequently, I choose to be compassionate with others when I consider how much painful emotional baggage we are biologically programmed to carry around.”

Choose Thoughts Wisely

If it’s peace you seek, be mindful of the thoughts you choose.

Many people are driven by unconscious desires and fall victim to their urges because they are unaware of them.

We can concede to the pain in the world or choose to nurture loving and compassionate thoughts in our everyday life.

Your greatest undertaking is to learn to live with your thoughts without believing them.

I challenge any person, irrespective of their status, wealth or circumstances to sit alone with their thoughts. Only then will you know your true self.

On one hand, we claim to have free will yet we’re unable to activate this power because of our unconscious desires.

Don’t be led by your fears and insecurities since they’ll lead you to dark places.

Be guided by creative thinking, the seat of the intuitive mind.

“While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.” — Francis of Assisi

“Paying attention to automatic thoughts is simply a habit we can change. When you shift into awareness-based knowing, automatic thinking moves into the background, and you experience true peace of mind,” avows author and psychotherapist Loch Kelly in Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness

If we’re invested in our thoughts, we’re unable to distance ourselves from them because we buy into the idea I think, therefore I am. It was French philosopher René Descartes who first coined this phrase, proposing that thoughts are evidence you exist.

You are more than your thoughts. They are not the cause of suffering or unhappiness, it is when we identify and attach ourselves to them that we suffer.

The Impermanency Of Thoughts

Problems arise when we define ourselves by our thoughts, instead of seeing them as a stream of consciousness flowing through the mind.

Problems arise when we define ourselves by our thoughts, instead of seeing them as a stream of…
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Thoughts are impermanent unless you associate with them.

You needn’t free yourself of unpleasant thoughts for peace to exist. Instead, avoid giving them attention by moving your awareness towards enriching thoughts.

I enjoy this passage from author Mary O’Malley from her book What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life, “Life created the mind as a tool for manoeuvring through Life, not to be in charge of it. The mind is a wonderful servant, but it is a horrible master. Giving it the task of being in charge of Life has created the world of struggle that most people live in all day long, keeping them cut off from peace and joy.”

As we move our attention away from destructive thoughts, they recede to give way to higher thinking. If we do this often enough, we embody peace at a cellular level.

Peace is a choice, not something that requires dedicated study, under the guise of a spiritual guru. Whilst it certainly helps, peaceful thoughts arise from your moment to moment experience.

To know if your thoughts are positive or negative, observe your body when you think those thoughts.

For example, have the thought “I hate myself, I’m a bad person.” Note the physical response in your body in comparison to, “I love myself deeply and completely.”

Notice the latter is uplifting and effortless. Even if you don’t believe it, part of you identifies with it because of your spiritual essence.

Create peaceful conditions through: the music you listen to, the words you speak, your actions and the people you surround yourself with. These have an energising effect and can lead to wonderful experiences.

“Mindfulness offers a reliable and trustworthy path home; the mindful skills of attention, kindness, and acceptance can help you transform unhealthy habits into a way of being that embodies freedom and inner peace,” avows author Hugh G Byrne in The Here-and-Now Habit: How Mindfulness Can Help You Break Unhealthy Habits Once and for All.

As you become attuned to your body, you’ll appreciate how your thoughts and the accompanying emotions influence your physiology. In doing so, your body will relay messages on the accuracy of your thinking.

I’ve outlined the benefits of meditation on the mind-body experience in earlier articles. People assume they need to sit in a meditative pose for hours to achieve the positive effects of this practice.

However, if you undertake a health regime and stop eating sugar, the benefits are realised within hours. Even five minutes a day of quiet reflection with your thoughts, can have a dramatic effect on your mind and body.

“The more open your heart is, the more you have access to your natural state of peace, well-being, and ease, no matter what is happening,” states Mary O’Malley.

If it’s peace you yearn for, look no further than within yourself. This is the starting point of conflict and can be healed with the right intention and an open heart.

As the Master reminds us, it is easier to tend to your thoughts than to change the whole world.

The post Why Peace Is Only A Thought Away appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

How To Stay Centred When There’s Chaos In The World

“Let there be an opening into the quiet that lies beneath the chaos where you find the peace you did not think possible and see what shimmer within the storm.” — John O’ Donohue

To remain centred amidst the chaos in the world is challenging, yet signifies a renewing act of strength.

It’s no surprise the news media sensationalise reporting world events to hook us in. They use bold words and Breaking News in their headlines to captivate our attention while giving us a glimpse of the real story.

It’s wise to limit watching the news since it heightens the fight-or-flight response in your body. The mind perceives impending danger when regularly exposed to distressing news and creates stress.

Our perception of life is influenced by our past and immediate environment. I’m not suggesting unpleasant occurrences don’t exist. Though, when exposed to it often enough, we evaluate reality according to what we see.

Have you noticed people who declare the world is terrifying, are the same ones who clutch to distressing news events? They base their assessment on negative experiences without considering an alternative view.

Assuredly, what you look for you will find.

Author Byron Katie of The Work states, “The world is your perception of it. Inside and outside always match — they are reflections of each other. The world is the mirror image of your mind. If you experience chaos and confusion inside, your external world has to reflect that. You have to see what you believe because you are the confused thinker looking out and seeing yourself. You are the interpreter of everything, and if you’re chaotic, what you hear and see has to be chaos.”

The media propagates a biased view of events we know little about. We concede because it’s broadcast into our living rooms or social media channels and we accept it as truth.

Judging by the tone of the article you might assume I’m anti-media. I’m not, yet if we allow it to be our only source of information, we are at the mercy of relying on the fear it promotes.

There’s little reporting of good news events nowadays other than a 30 second highlight, depicting a cat rescued by a passer-by stuck in a tree – get my point?

To rely on news as your source of information incites fear.

Atrocities have existed for thousands of years since man first roamed the Earth and were far more severe in ancient times. Crime rates have decreased in parts of the world due to advances in technology, a shift in consciousness and development of civilised society.

Peace is only a thought away. Consider the power of that phrase.
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Chaos may come to represent the upheaval in your own life. Sometimes the winds of change blow upon us at inopportune moments and we are caught unaware.

“Pain causes chaos, fear, and resentment, and we have to overcome that. It is an extremely simple logic. Once we can overcome pain, we discover intrinsic joy, and we have less resentment toward the world and ourselves,” states Chogyam Trungpa in Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery.

How do you maintain equanimity when there’s chaos in the world?

It lies in our response to handle negativity and not catastrophise the situation.

If you are drawn to the pessimism in the world, consider the potential of thousands of other people to be lured into the same fear mongering.

In contrast, what if your thoughts are enriching instead of fuelled by fear?

Collectively, we extend peace instead of panic into the world. Humanity cries out for people like you and me to impact others – change is contagious and carries its own momentum.

It begins right where you are, in your own corner of the globe.

Peace is only a thought away. Consider the power of that phrase.

A negative or hateful thought towards your fellow man, contributes to unrest in the world. If hundreds of people buy into this, the collective energy of humanity is negatively affected.

“Ego says, “Once everything falls into place, I’ll feel peace.” Spirit says, “Find your peace, and then everything will fall into place.” — Marianne Williamson

I respect the following advice by the Dalai Lama, “Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.”

It’s clear if you’re reading this, you value personal growth or are intrigued by the insight these words offer. I invite you to move into your heart when unsettled to get a sense of the peace there.

Engage in meditation to turn your attention to the silent voice within.

“That is why it’s so good to meditate every single day and continue to make friends with our hopes and fears again and again. This sows the seeds that enable us to be more awake in the midst of everyday chaos. It’s a gradual awakening, and it’s cumulative, but that’s actually what happens,” affirms the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron in When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

By moving into your heart, even as little as five minutes a day, connects you with the pure love and intelligence that guides the universe.

I cannot describe why bad things happen in the world. It is remiss of me to claim I have the answers when I don’t.

What I propose is a way to manage the chaos, not try to make sense of it. When you go within, all is well and safe.

Stay present and connected to your moment to moment experience, knowing everything is fine and you needn’t worry about the future.

Pema Chodron reminds us once more, “The state of nowness is available in that moment of squeeze. In that awkward, ambiguous moment is our own wisdom mind. Right there in the uncertainty of everyday chaos is our own wisdom mind.”

Fear is a future orientated occurrence. When we project our thoughts ahead of time, we worry things will not transpire as we hope for and we experience pain and suffering.

Ask yourself the following when you experience this restless state, How do I feel right now?

Am I safe? Are my needs met?

If the answer is yes, you needn’t buy into the fear others impose on you.

When you experience negative or fearful thoughts, do nothing other than reassure yourself you are safe and taken care of.

When you experience negative or fearful thoughts, do nothing other than reassure yourself you are…
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To shift from a negative to positive thought is like trying to do a U-turn on an ocean liner. It’s impossible, yet if you change course over a distance, it’s more likely to happen.

So with your thoughts. Move from a negative to a neutral thought is the first step towards rewiring your brain, from fear to inspiration.

It takes time, patience and diligence because we are habituated to this way of life. It’s wired into our genetic nature to discern negativity around us.

Immerse yourself in activities that nourish your soul whether catching up with friends and loved ones or taking part in hobbies you enjoy.

This enhances your psychological and emotional wellbeing. Happiness is contagious, so others feel good in your company. You inspire them to adopt a similar attitude and transform lower emotional states.

“Refuge simply means a safe, supportive place to be when we are fragile or confused, a safe place to cry or rant as long as we need to, or somewhere to wait patiently until a course of action begins to emerge from the chaos,” avows author Linda Graham MFT in Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being.

You don’t have to be a victim to the fear in the world. The news and social media are one form of information not intended to purport the truth.

You have the power to stay centred, calm and stable amid the chaos, since peacefulness is always a thought away.

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Though Pain Is Inevitable Suffering Is Optional

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” — Viktor Frankl

Suffering arises when you buy into the false belief that your pain is permanent.

The degree to which you suffer is determined by your response. Pain can be a doorway to inner awakening, revealing that you are greater than your suffering.

“The most we can say is that people who succeed in turning pain and suffering from a wholly aversive experience into a catalyst for self-transformation seem to be able to do so only because they make such self-transformation their specific focus,” states Dr. Alex Lickerman in The Undefeated Mind.

Psychological pain develops when outside events fall short of your inner model of reality.

You believe circumstances shouldn’t be happening, so much so your resistance invites more suffering into your life.

In an earlier article titled, Sometimes You Have To Go Through The Storm, I outlined the Four Noble Truths according to Buddhist wisdom.

They are:

The Truth of Suffering
The Truth Of The Cause Of Suffering
The Truth Of The End Of Suffering
The Truth Of The Path Leading To The End Of Suffering

Pain and suffering need not coexist to affect the quality of your life. Your response is measured how you internalise those events.

Pain and suffering need not coexist to affect the quality of your life. Your response is measured…
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We all experience pain, evident by the atrocities and violence in the world nowadays. It is broadcast into our living rooms and social media channels moments after it occurs.

It’s no surprise we live in uncertain times. Yet, you have a choice whether to buy into the fear or connect with the wisdom of your heart.

The latter is challenging though not impossible, especially when inundated by distressing news events.

Whilst you may consider it naïve that suffering is not a measure of pain, consider those who proved it’s possible to transcend suffering: Victor Frankl, Gandhi and Nelson Mandela.

In his book, Falling into Grace the American spiritual teacher Adyashanti states. “But the more we look outward, resenting and blaming others and particular life circumstances, the more unconscious we become, and the more the pain and suffering is sent deeper into our systems.”

It’s worth restating, the meaning you assign to unpleasant events decides the extent to which you suffer.

How is suffering not possible when a couple divorces after thirty years of marriage, due to infidelity you might ask?

It’s clear they will experience pain at the demise of the marriage since there’s no set period for grieving. However, to preserve the pain years after the marriage has dissolved invites suffering to fill a space that only love can heal.

The same event can have different interpretations at various times in your life. Yet, it is the meaning assigned to those events that fuels suffering.

Here’s the good news and bad news. Every person suffers.

“The truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering the more you suffer because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you in proportion to your fear of being hurt.” — Thomas Merton

The extent to which you hurt lies in your capacity to manage pain or equally, reinforce the bad wolf.

Pain can cut deeper into your wounds or be used to heal.

I’m reminded of those people who lose their: children, husbands or wives to devastating circumstances and transform their pain from victim to empowered individuals.

You can stay mired in your circumstances or transform suffering into a healing agent.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses,” states the Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung.

To overcome pain, endure it instead of running away from it.

I know this goes against every human instinct because pleasure is more appealing than pain. Yet, how will you know pleasure without the contrast of pain?

How will you enjoy spring and summer were it not for the darkness of winter? Pain does not last forever, yet if you clutch to the suffering, it takes longer to move through you.

The work of brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor suggests that the average lifespan of an emotion to move through the nervous system is one and a half minutes. Knowing this releases the burden we need to carry our emotional attachments longer than need be.

I enjoy this passage from author Amy B Scher in her book How to Heal Yourself When No One Else Can, “No one likes to experience pain and suffering. In fact, we spend much of our lives trying to avoid this. But believing that suffering is bad will cause more havoc in your life than actually experiencing it would. Suffering just feels bad while it’s happening, and because of that, we fight it like the plague. But suffering also has a silver lining that never gets the credit it deserves. Suffering helps us grow and get to the next place in life. Let’s face it: if not for suffering, we’d never stop in our busy lives to expand in ways that make us better.”

Pain is a wonderful teacher if you allow it passage through you. Let go of the mental story that accompanies your condition.

Pain is a wonderful teacher if you allow it passage through you. Let go of the mental story that…
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In the example of divorce, what if the couple embraced their situation instead of retreat from it? That means: feeling the sadness, the depression, the anger, the fears and the uncertainty?

Instead of pushing against these states, what if they leaned into them to heal their situation?

What I’m proposing, is the response to pain is not to slap a Band-Aid on it, yet to experience its intensity.

Personal growth is not a clear choice in the midst of suffering. It’s the last thing on your mind, since your primary aim is to ease the suffering.

Sometimes, life decides on your behalf by compelling you to evolve, not to punish you for past transgressions. Rather, it strengthens your commitment to honour your deepest self through adversity.

Stay in your painful moments by being present to the experience. If you push away the pain, you invite more suffering because you expect the future to be better than what’s taking place now. This is the greatest illusion sold to mankind – that the future will be better than the past or the present moment.

Second, move into a state of gratitude. I know this is difficult, though this practice is about positively influencing your brain chemistry, from a stressed to a peaceful state.

You can heal. You can transform your pain if you allow a path through you. Stop running away from it since this intensifies the suffering.

As a wise teacher once related, “Pushing against pain is like grappling with a Sumo wrestler, above a bottomless pit. In the end, you will succumb to his mighty force and fall into the hole if you struggle. However, if you allow yourself to be pushed out the way, you land safely back from the pit as he falls to his demise.”

Such is the tale of pain. Allow it to take you where it needs to and trust it’s there to serve the path from victim to victor.

The post Though Pain Is Inevitable Suffering Is Optional appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

Health Is Not About Appearances

“There’s lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven’t the time to enjoy it.” — Josh Billings

Health is not about the way you look as this is one facet of your entire being.

Many people obsess with their bodies, to attain the perfect physique to the detriment of their health.

They scrutinise their physical appearance with earnest, you’d think they were sculpturing the David.

However, this is harmful in the long run.

The American neuroscientist Candace Pert who discovered the opiate receptor in the brain said, “The body is the subconscious mind. Your body has an innate intelligence of its own, evident by the thousands of chemical and electrical processes that work without your conscious awareness.”

Your emotions literally transform your body ― and create your health. If you don’t believe me, try being depressed for a week and note the change in your physiology.

Your body listens and responds to your thoughts, hence constant preoccupation creates stress because you are drawn to what is wrong. I’m sure this is not your intention and you might argue focussing on your physical looks is healthy.

Yes, logically, but your mind does not perceive it this way. This is why eating disorders abound because of the unhealthy relationship people develop with their bodies. When repeated attention is held on your appearance, your mind perceives this a minor stress.

“An eating disorder is a compulsion rather than an addiction, and it is not an illness. It is a culturally learned pattern to distract you from self-love,” states clinical neuropsychologist Mario Martinez

People of all ages post images of themselves on social media, in part to inspire others. This is a movement prompted in recent times by smart phones, yet its motive is undesirable to those seeking inspiration.

Health is not conveyed by publicising one’s physical attractiveness since it’s unachievable to most people. It’s why fat-shaming has flourished because people are drawn to unattainable poster images, depicting those with suboptimal body-fat levels. If you don’t fit this image, you’re considered overweight. Really? Says who?

Health is not conveyed by publicising one's physical attractiveness since it’s unachievable to most…
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Health begins from the inside out. It is not an outside-in effort. Sure, you may have a healthy body image which reflects in your self-esteem. There are people with good-looking physiques that have low self-worth because they identify only by their looks.

Similarly, those with normal physiques have high self-esteem.

Countless people strive for physical beauty, yet many are emotionally unwell inside. Consider walking through the front door of a beautiful home, spectacular on the outside. You step through the door and collapse through the floorboards because there’s no solid foundation to support it.

The point I wish to emphasise is to nurture yourself from inside out.

“Then I discovered the one thing that changed the course of my health and my life: the belief that every thought we think is creating our future. This one little idea shifted the direction of my life. I found that if I could create peace, health, and harmony in my mind, I could create the same in my body and in my world,” states authors Louise Hay, Ahlea Khadro and Heather Dane in Loving Yourself to Great Health.

Much of the information contained online nowadays is written by people without qualifications in their respective field. They lure you into buying their products or service to enhance their self-image, at the expense of your hard dollars and health.

There’s a great deal of misinformation on popular websites, who employ ghost writers with no health experience to maintain their online presence.

Be mindful of the information you consume. Just because it sounds good doesn’t mean it’s right for you. This applies to what you read here. Don’t take my word for it, investigate everything with due diligence and apply it where appropriate.

To know if the information is suitable for you, live it for three months and note the changes. The principles must be sound to begin with. Avoid dieting or restrictive health plans since they’re detrimental to your long-term health.

“Just because you’re not sick doesn’t mean you’re healthy.” — Author Unknown

I urge you to read an eye-opening book by Catherine Shanahan MD titled, Deep Nutrition: Why Your Genes Need Traditional Food. She states, “The reason that so many of us have health problems today is that we no longer eat in accordance with any culinary tradition. In the worst cases of recurring illnesses and chronic diseases that I see, more often than not, the victim’s parents and grandparents haven’t either.”

If you focus on your external appearance, something must succumb to maintain it. It’s worth repeating, your looks are one facet of your health.

What is your identity if you are permanently scarred or injured from an accident?

I know many successful athletes who identify with their physical qualities and past performance. When injured, they fall into depression because this image is no longer there to reinforce their self-worth.

Avoid yielding to unrealistic images perpetuated by mainstream media. In most cases, they’re hired models and don’t represent a cross section of the population. I know, I worked in the fashion industry for years, after graduating with a B.A. in Fashion Design. I employed these same people for photo shoots.

You must be content with your body image because this reflects in how it performs.

The mind body connection is powerful. If we emphasise an ideal physical type, we distort the true meaning of health.

Mario Martinez affirms. “I propose that abundance is not sustainable without a strong sense of self-worth. Why not? Because maintaining health, reaching wealth, and finding love require the capacity to accept that you are worthy of your good fortune.”

I advise you to scrutinise your physical appearance less. I’m not encouraging you to be uninterested with the way you look, but to consider it one part of your entire being.

To enjoy lasting health, nurture your other aspects like your: mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.

To enjoy lasting health, nurture your other aspects like your: mental, emotional and spiritual…
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What is the point of giving so much attention to: the foods you eat, the clothes you wear, or the ideal fitness routine, when your mental and emotional spirit calls for your attention?

I appreciate the message from authors Louise Hay, Ahlea Khadro and Heather Dane, “If you experience a health challenge, Life is inviting you to love yourself. In other words, no matter what your problem is, there is only one answer: loving yourself.”

What you seek is what you’ll be sure to find. If you repeatedly focus on your appearance, your reference point becomes that. Yet, if you focus on other aspects of your health, you identify with the wholeness of your existence.

In this selfie obsessed times, we look for validation from others to confirm our self-worth.

We have an innate drive to feel good about ourselves. However, if we focus on our physical form, it overshadows the lesser components of our health.

I’m not proposing you stop posting images online, nor stop following those who do. Power is attained when we’re conscious and awake to our motives.

Health is not about the way we look but a call to love ourselves foremost. Afterall, what we’re really craving for is love and a close connection with ourselves.

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Why Things Always Work Out In The End

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” ― John Lennon

Things always have a way of working out because our problems are temporary.

We assess life from a narrow perspective which blinds us to the truth.

Knowing things work out in the end does not prevent untoward events occurring. However, we appreciate these are minor elements in a larger scheme working behind-the-scenes.

For example, during a live theatre production, an actor forgets their line and you rationalise the entire play will be dreadful. Though, an hour into the production, the play proceeds effortlessly and you realise it was a minor gaffe in what is a delightful performance.

Suspend judging situations and trust things are working out, despite your opposition to them.

It’s unreasonable to expect something not working out, when pieces of the puzzle are still forming.

It’s unreasonable to expect something not working out, when pieces of the puzzle are still forming.
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Ask yourself, “What could be going on behind the scenes that I’m unaware of?”

We must take a long-term view of life, if we wish to find happiness and contentment in our everyday circumstances.

If you set out on a road trip and encounter rough terrain early in the journey, you might conceive the entire trip to be challenging. However, once the destination is reached, you appreciate the journey in its entirety replete with the highs and lows.

Don’t judge your life based on current circumstances since this is one facet of it.

“We worry because we do not trust ourselves to handle what happens to us. We worry because we do not trust that the way the chips fall will work out for the best. We worry because we have not yet said yes,” states psychotherapist David Richo.

Whilst you shouldn’t ignore short-term setbacks, explore the key lessons they represent, a delay is not a denial.

Everything that follows is perfectly orchestrated and there’s meaning contained in each event.

We may realise the lesson further down the road while other times we may not understand why the experience took place.

Instead of dwelling on unfortunate conditions, see them as obstacles that provide inner wisdom and personal growth.

The universe brings forth unforeseen circumstances when you least expect it. From the unexpected arises your greatest gifts if you will suspend judgement.

Author James Hollis writes in What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life, “If we are free, as free as we want to think we are, then our lives should rather easily take care of themselves. We would make appropriate, proactive choices, and life would work out pretty much as we consciously plan.”

When things don’t eventuate as you expect, focus on what’s important instead of becoming embroiled in circumstances that mean little in the end.

A person on their death bed will tell you their three regrets are: having worked too much, not having loved enough and not having the courage to express their feelings.

There’s a purpose to your life and your task is to unearth it. When you do, it will be as though you are reborn.

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — A.A. Milne

“Author and inventor Buckminster Fuller once said that you “never change things by fighting the existing reality.” To change something, he wrote, “build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete,” states author Sean Patrick in Awakening Your Inner Genius.

You are called to trust life because what needs to happen will do so, nevertheless. Everything works out in the end since there’s a natural order to life, regardless of your fears and doubts.

The most you can do is to embrace your current experience. Acceptance means to acknowledge life happens through you, not to you. Don’t be a victim since this reinforces your suffering.

Everything works out in the end since there’s a natural order to life, regardless of your fears and…
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You are powerful beyond measure. I know, I know it may not seem this way. This type of thinking results from perceiving your problems through a victim lens instead of an empowerment lens.

If you lose your wallet, you accept it and retrace the steps to find it. Similarly, to accept your current conditions means to yield to your challenges and allow life to lead you to solutions.

This simple act reaffirms your intent to lean into your conditions instead of retreat from them.

How do you know things always work out in the end?

Look to your past when you encountered similar conditions and got through them.

My greatest breakthroughs emerged when I was ready to give up. Surrender is the greatest step forward. It’s an inner declaration to surrender to universal intelligence that knows precisely how things will unfold.

I enjoy this take from author Bernard Beitman who writes in Connecting with Coincidence, “Believing in the usefulness of coincidences means acting as if the section of reality you inhabit is a you-friendly place. Call it positive paranoia, or pronoia, meaning that things will work out in your favour, that “luck” is on your side.”

Don’t be invested in your difficulties. If you focus on what’s not working, it becomes your main point of attraction.

If you’ve ever been to a wildlife sanctuary or open range zoo, you’ll see animals stand perfectly still as they weather torrential rain during a storm.

Yet, the moment the rain has passed, they shake water off their coat and continue on.

Make this your undertaking during unpleasant circumstances. Fully experience what is happening and once it has passed, as it no doubt will, continue on your journey.

I remind you of the Japanese proverb, “Fall down seven times, stand up eight.”

With this engraved on your mind, approach your next challenge realising that difficult moments unearth your true character.

Why?

Because your duty is to respond to life as a warrior and greet it with vigilance and courage.

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When It Seems Your Life’s Falling Apart It’s Coming Together

“Everything is falling together perfectly, even though it looks as if some things are falling apart. Trust in the process you are now experiencing.” — Neale Donald Walsch

The Master was in a mellow mood and the disciples were inquisitive.

“Did he ever feel depressed,” they asked.

“He did.”

“Wasn’t it also true he was in a continual state of happiness?” they persisted.

“It was.”

“What was the secret?” they wanted to know.

Said the Master, “This: everything is as good or as bad as one’s opinion makes it.”

The meaning we attribute to events impacts us more than we realise. When it seems your life is falling apart, your outlook dictates your response.

The tale by Anthony De Mello underscores the message espoused by Shakespeare, “There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.”

For circumstances to unfold, they must first fall apart to rebuild a stronger foundation. When a person hits rock bottom, the only place to go is up. This can be enriching, since it reaffirms that the human spirit cannot be crushed, despite inhospitable conditions.

We must make room for the new in our lives, by letting go of that which no longer serves us. If your beliefs are outdated, release them instead of holding on.

While it may appear your life is falling apart, it’s laying the framework for rebuilding exactly as it should.

While it may appear your life is falling apart, it’s laying the framework for rebuilding exactly as…
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“When everything falls apart and we feel uncertainty, disappointment, shock, embarrassment, what’s left is a mind that is clear, unbiased, and fresh,” states Pema Chodron.

Consider a renovated house. If you were to evaluate the overall design while being demolished, you might assume it isn’t coming together as planned. Yet, if you consulted with the architects and interior designers, you see wonderful plans for the home’s refurbishment that looks perfect once the project is complete.

So with your life’s journey.

To presume life is falling apart based on your perception, is to focus on one part of the process.

Life is neither fair nor unfair, according to your assessment. There’s an energy system permeating throughout life. What needs to take place will do so irrespective of your resistance.

To wish away an unpleasant experience only intensifies your response.

When you experience anguish, pick yourself up and continue on your journey.

Vulnerability is part of the human condition. For in the howling wasteland of despair, we unearth our resiliency once the storm has settled.

Psychotherapist and author David Richo affirms, “No matter how dark or destructive things become, we are aware of a healing energy ever afoot that indefatigably renews and rebuilds what falls apart. Something keeps putting it — and us — all back together. This is why it is all right to fall apart.”

The universe is in your corner urging you to prevail, realising your current circumstances are transitional.

“Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing.” — Pema Chodron

Take note of the messages that appear during the darkest hours. They are glimpses of the light heralding you towards Truth.

Your greatest breakthroughs will often arrive during moments of hopelessness. Whilst it doesn’t appear that way, once the dust has settled you will see something greater emerge.

Humans are uncomfortable with change because it threatens their survival. This is natural and we should embrace this instead of escape the pain.

“So the next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky. This is where the courage comes in. Usually we think that brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear,” reaffirms Pema Chodron.

So, we ask ourselves what we need to let go of to proceed down the new path.

To reason with your current state keeps you paralysed in your circumstances and slows the progress of where you’re meant to be.

There’s a purpose to life, irrespective of your resistance. Whilst it makes little sense in the midst of chaos, if we suspend judgement, the complete picture will emerge.

A major breakdown can open doors to several breakthroughs if we’re willing to lean into the discomfort.

A major breakdown can open doors to several breakthroughs if we’re willing to lean into the…
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Don’t look for an end to your situation, experience what arises despite how emotionally charged it is. To drive away pain defers it, to remerge with greater intensity at a later period.

It was Winston Churchill who said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

Nothing lasts for ever, even anguish recedes to give way to a new day once time has passed and our wounds have healed.

I enjoy this message from motivational speaker John C. Maxwell in his book, The Difference Maker: Making Your Attitude Your Greatest Asset, “I’ve found that there are really only two kinds of people in this world when it comes to dealing with discouragement: splatters and bouncers. When splatters hit rock bottom, they fall apart, and they stick to the bottom like glue. On the other hand, when bouncers hit bottom, they pull together and bounce back.”

We are strange creatures. We thrive in ideal conditions and struggle through chaos.

Underneath the pain is the knowledge we are: resilient, adaptable and capable of surviving.

One need only look to the Holocaust survivors in Nazi Germany, to see what they endured during the war. Similarly, refugees fleeing their country for fear of persecution live in a constant state of chaos and survive to raise families. This is testament the human will is adaptable in most conditions.

What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

The challenge when life falls apart is the hopelessness that consumes us. We might believe we are the masters of our fate, so when the rug is pulled out from under us, it threatens our stability.

However, this is a powerful revelation because when everything is taken away, life steps in to transport us to our next journey.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. reminds us “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”

So when it seems your life is falling apart, look to the future. For in the ruins of the past is a signpost pointing you to something wonderful.

Accept your current conditions and stop resisting the flow of life.

We can be hard on ourselves, believing we contributed to life falling apart. Whilst you’re a co-creator in the experience, it is essential for your personal evolution and had to take place as it did.

It is with this knowledge we delight in the words of the Master, who calls us to be attentive that everything is as good or bad as one’s opinion.

So we suspend believing our life is falling apart and trust it is coming together better than we imagined.

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Your Beliefs Can Set You Free Or Keep You Imprisoned

“Life is very, very simple and easy to understand, but we complicate it with the beliefs and ideas that we create.” — Don Miguel Ruiz

Your beliefs will set you free or keep you trapped in a self-imposed prison.

A belief has power, assigned through thoughts and emotions. When repeated often, it occupies space in your mind, producing powerful emotions.

Beliefs are formed between the ages two and six, an impressionable time. It is the meaning we ascribe to the events, not the event itself that fuels the belief. For example, if your parents criticised you when you were young, you may have formed the belief, I’m not capable.

Though, this is one version of the truth based on your interpretation. I’m not suggesting it’s your fault to adopt this belief, however we are meaning-making machines. We look for meaning in events to make sense of the situation.

Your mind searched for the meaning behind the criticism and concluded you mustn’t be capable. But is this “the truth” or one possible interpretation?

Many people hold similar beliefs through adulthood, which keeps them trapped in a mind-made prison.

Many people hold similar beliefs through adulthood, which keeps them trapped in a mind-made prison.
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“Thinking is a surface-level activity, while beliefs are embedded in our mindset and run automatically,” affirm author Gary van Warmerdam in MindWorks: A Practical Guide for Changing Thoughts, Beliefs and Emotional Reactions.

If you want to run the latest software on a new computer, installing the Windows 2.0 operating system (released in 1987) is impractical. Modern day computers are equipped with technology too advanced for software designed three decades ago.

Yet, why do you give thought to the same beliefs based on one interpretation of events that took place as a child? Can you see how pointless it is? You’ve outgrown your childhood environment, yet you still carry the same beliefs as an adult.

I’ll say it again, your beliefs have the power to affect the quality of your life. They colour your experience and if you don’t believe me, consider being in an intimate relationship harbouring the belief, I’m not worthy. How long do you think the relationship is likely to last?

However, people with unworthiness issues go in search of a partner to feel worthy. It backfires and soon enough they’re back where they started – single and now miserable.

Gary van Warmerdam states, “Our beliefs determine the meaning we give to an event which in turn influences our emotional experience of the situation.”

You are the storyteller of your life, the director and producer of your destiny. Your choices are influenced by your beliefs, whether they’re right or wrong.

“The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Reflect on your answers to the following.

Are your current beliefs influenced by others or through events that took place long ago? If so, who: family, friends, work colleagues, teachers, sports coaches, ministers or the collective society? Are they serving you?

Consider the beliefs you hold strongly. What is the quality of your life in that area? Not the quantity, measured by material possessions.

Do you wake up feeling happy and satisfied to seize the day? If not, you could be perpetuating limiting beliefs that impose on your day-to-day life.

“Some of our strongly held beliefs are based on plausible notions that we either read or heard, but many of our most firmly held convictions are not based on concrete, verifiable fact or proof,” states author Edward B Burger and Michael Starbird in, The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking.

I was indoctrinated with religious dogma through my catholic upbringing. I attended a boy’s catholic school and read at Sunday mass. As an adult however, I realised my beliefs at the time were not my choosing. Whilst I don’t denounce religion and am grateful for my experiences, I realised this was not the path I wanted to take.

The following are four steps to change a belief as outlined by author Ray Dodd’s book The Power of Belief:

Practise Awareness: Dissociate from the beliefs you formed as a child that no longer serve you. Challenge the inner voice that insists this is the way it’s done, as ego reinforces its control through such thoughts. These voices arise when you challenge an existing belief. Silence the endless chatter that interprets your thoughts and actions. A limiting belief is recognised by your emotional response. For example, repeat the belief cited earlier, I’m not capable and note the emotions that arise. You might be reminded of an incident when you were young and sense tightness or constriction in your chest, throat or stomach. This is your body informing you the belief still exists in your emotional body. Other limiting beliefs include: I’m not worthy, I’m not enough, I don’t matter, etc.


Give Up The Need To Be Right: Abandon beliefs that no longer serve you. In surrendering them, you suspend the need to gather evidence to justify you’re right. Through gained awareness, how does the need to be right feel? Is there a feeling of spaciousness as though a small voice within invites you to let go? By not gathering evidence you release your attachment to your old story. In intimate relationships where there’s low self-worth, the person is likely to use evidence to justify they’re right if they are abandoned. Do you want to be right or happy? You can’t be both. “To change beliefs, we must learn to perceive them as abstract ideas separate from the world,” states Gary van Warmerdam.


Love Yourself Without Limits: To disempower a belief, stop reinforcing it. My belief as a six year old, terrified of swimming in deep waters was, I’m weak and will never amount to anything. I compared myself to other children who could swim in deep waters. As an adult, I realised it was imprudent to pay attention to a six year old. Whilst it took me longer to learn to swim, I became proficient at it. I embraced myself irrespective of my fears, because I am already whole. I invite you to practice self-compassion despite your beliefs.


Create A New Dream: Design a new agreement which re-works the old belief. After you challenge the outdated belief, compose a new one in line with your Truth. Following on from my earlier example, my new belief became, I stand in my own power and know my true worth. It includes attributes for living in alignment with my authentic Gather evidence to support your new belief. Live it, breathe it and be it. In your new loving relationship you might reframe your unworthiness to: I love and approve of myself unconditionally.

To disempower a belief, stop reinforcing it.
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How do you know whether your beliefs serve you? Your reality is an indicator. What do you need to pay attention to more in your life: career, relationships, health, finance, family, etc? You needn’t carry worn out scripts from childhood any longer. As you form new beliefs, the outdated beliefs will fade away.

Your authentic self lies submerged beneath the rubble of outdated beliefs. If you don’t reconcile them, you remain trapped in a self-imposed prison.

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Your Subconscious Mind Is Your Partner In Success

“You can build radiant health, success and happiness by the thoughts you think in the hidden studio of your mind.” — Joseph Murphy

Your mind is a retrieval and storage resource.

Its role is to make sense of the present and future while remembering the past.

For some, reliving their childhood as adults is quite common. One need only look to the male species to see them behave like children in relationships. They lack the awareness to make sensible decisions at times and are blinded by primal urges.

The female species don’t get off so lightly. Some women choose the wrong partner often, because they hold on to unresolved childhood issues which get in the way of finding happiness. We all carry uncomfortable pain from early childhood, yet when these pain points emerge we are at the mercy of our unconscious thoughts.

Motivational psychologist Dr. Shad Helmstetter states, “A subconscious mind which has erased the old negatives and replaced them with new positives is the most fertile ground for growth and achievement we will ever find.”

I wish to outline two methods for awakening your Subconscious Mind’s (SM) potential for success.

To work with the SM, it’s important to appreciate how your environment influences your thoughts. For example, when driving to work consider why Adele’s song Hello creeps in to your mind later that afternoon? This is because your SM is attentive to your surroundings which include the lyrics of the song.

The SM is influenced by repetition and stimuli. To be aware and awake to your surroundings is essential for success.

To be aware and awake to your surroundings is essential for success.
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For this reason, be mindful of the music you listen to, the TV programs you watch, the people you spend your time with and the material you read, if success is your goal. If you don’t believe me, I urge you to read the highly praised book by Robert B. Cialdini titled, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.

People are puzzled why they repeat the same destructive patterns in relationships. They act out childhood behaviours or unconsciously pick up negative traits from previous relationships. Like a virus, it infects your SM to assume control of your behaviour in future relationships.

“Your subconscious mind controls your behaviour and causes you to react rather than respond,” states Suze Casey author of Belief Re-patterning: The Amazing Technique for “Flipping the Switch” to Positive Thoughts.

So, how does one prime the SM for success? There are many techniques available, though I wish to focus on a couple that are effective:

Guided Imagery: Guided imagery is grounded in using your visual senses to imagine a situation, whilst in a relaxed state. It’s important to visualise the goal or task as real, while calling on other senses. Your SM mind cannot distinguish between an imagined state and a real one. For example, when you call a person an inconsiderate name, your SM interprets the insult as self-directed.

Despite being able to interpret a wealth of information, the mind lacks competence in differentiation. This is due to the SM not challenging thoughts received by the Conscious Mind (CM). The CM processes thoughts while the SM takes a back seat in the process. Questioning and analysing is the domain of the conscious or analytical mind. The SM’s task is to receive directives initiated by the CM.

“The conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises.” — Sigmund Freud

Author Honoree Corder states in her book Vision to Reality, “Visioning encourages openness to unique and creative solutions. As you hold your clearly defined vision, the ways to make that vision happen become clear. Your subconscious mind works on your behalf to spot potential opportunities, prospects, and possibilities you might otherwise have missed.”

Ok, let’s get started on a quick exercise. Find a comfortable seated position, since this allows you to maintain open channels within the body and you’re less likely to fall asleep in this position.

Take a few deep breaths to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (rest & digest system), which signals the body to relax. Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Imagine a goal or accomplishment you wish to undertake. If its weight-loss or to be in a loving relationship, imagine yourself having attained this goal.

What’s it like? What are you doing in the scene? Where are you? Visualise the image as best you can. Are there sounds? Can you get a sense of smell or taste? Don’t imagine something you’re unwilling to accept. Allow your SM to guide you through the mental rehearsal. If you don’t see images, try again later. I like to listen to sounds of waves crashing or rain falling before rehearsing guided imagery. It allows me to get into a comfortable subconscious learning state.

Guided imagery requires discipline and practice, so ease your way into it. Don’t advance too quickly, since you’ll become disillusioned with the practice. Experiment and note the images that emerge. Note their intensity and the associated emotions that arise. Guided Imagery is learning to connect mind and body while becoming mindful of the sensations that arise.

Affirmations Before Sleep: The second technique is using affirmations before sleep. Prior to falling asleep, your SM is most impressionable. This is because the conscious mind becomes weary processing thoughts and is less likely to challenge the affirmations. If you’re in the habit of analysing thoughts before sleep, try meditating for a short period. This should help ease an agitated mind.

If you’re in the habit of analysing thoughts before sleep, try meditating for a short period
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Author Honoree Corder states, “Perhaps you didn’t realize that every single time you say “I AM” in a sentence, you are simultaneously sending a direct order and a confirmation to your brain exactly how you truly feel about yourself and what you expect. You are actually sending a command to your subconscious mind and telling every cell of your body how to respond.”

Compose the affirmations you intend to use. A well composed script is the key to effective affirmations. Be attentive to your words, afterall if it’s repeated often they must resonate with you. They should be affirmative, instead of passive: “I am now my ideal weight” or “I love and appreciate my lean, fit and healthy body.” Wording is paramount because if they are vague, your mind will find it difficult to accept. Consider the words of the Adele song that flooded your SM while driving home earlier. Song lyrics, harmonised with the right music, can influence your mind and so too with affirmations.

How will you know they are the right affirmations? When reciting them, note the sensations in your body. Is there tension? Are you aware of certain emotions that radiate from your chest or elsewhere? This is a sign the affirmations are suitable, because your body is your subconscious mind, according to the late neuroscientist Candace Pert.

“With Self-Talk, we have a way to give new directions to our subconscious minds by talking to ourselves in a different way, consciously reprogramming our internal control centres with words and statements which are more effective, more helpful to every part of us that we would like to improve,” avows Dr. Shad Helmstetter.

Choose two or three affirmations to begin with, as more will involve committing them to memory. We are trying to impress our intentions upon the subconscious mind, not commit words to memory. Repeat the affirmations as you drift to sleep, during the Hypnagogia phase. This is the impermanent phase between wakefulness and sleep where you are groggy. Continue to repeat the affirmations until you succumb to sleepiness.

In short, experiment with the techniques to find the one that works for you. I suggest you read books and take courses to help you advance your knowledge. If you give up after several weeks because you find it boring or difficult, you’ll fail to yield long term gains. It requires time and patience to see results. You’re training your brain, similar to exercising which requires commitment and dedication.

Afterall, if you wish to achieve anything of worthiness, your subconscious mind is your partner in success.

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