Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 38

How to Reclaim Your Life and Take Back Your Power

“Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” — Walter Anderson

The Struggle of Life

Does it seem like life is one endless drama after another?

Are you constantly wishing your problems would dissolve into nothing? To have that feeling while on vacation without a care in the world? As though time stands still and all your concerns vanish for that brief period.

I’ve spoken with many people over the years who promised themselves life would be different once they returned from holiday.

They vowed to create more time to unwind and not take life seriously. Despite their best intentions, the speed of life overshadows their plans and before long they are back to the same old routine.

So, how can you avoid the pain of defeat and struggle?

Consider this perspective from authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan in The One Thing: The surprisingly simple truth behind extraordinary results. “When our daily actions fulfil a bigger purpose, the most powerful and enduring happiness can happen.”

I was discussing this topic with a friend recently who was lamenting his latest toils. He mentioned something during the conversation that etched itself in my mind.

Given his financial struggles, he wanted to leave his meaningless job and pursue a calling he was passionate about. That is, work that offered satisfaction above all else.

He wished for a better life without constant struggle. If success were to find its way to him, he was powerless to appreciate it, since he had become used to being anxious about money for most of his adult life.

He was a victim to his pain and the notion of living a purposeful life was an elusive dream.

Have you been in a similar situation?

Pain or Pleasure

Reclaiming your life is not about a change in circumstances, as much as it is about shifting your internal focus. It must come from a deep desire to transform your life, irrespective of what awaits you on the other side.

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The Freudian principle known as the pain—pleasure principle, states that humans have an inner drive toward seeking pleasure, or conversely running away from pain.

You attract opportunities that serve your highest potential or get stuck in a painful cycle of undesired outcomes. The downfall of the pain cycle is apparent in mice being administered electric shocks in lab experiments. It is reported over time that they become addicted to the pain and a vicious circle ensues.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.” — Anne Lamott

To reclaim your life, begin by being mindful of your thoughts and actions, for you alone direct the course of your destiny, not some outside force.

I’m reminded of the quote by the late American speaker Jim Rohn who said: “The same wind blows on us all; the winds of disaster, opportunity and change. Therefore, it is not the blowing of the wind, but the setting of the sails that will determine our direction in life.”

In a similar vein, renowned sociology professor and author Brené Brown states in her book Rising Strong: “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for your worthiness.”

Reframing Failure

Success and leadership experts speak of reframing failure as the key to achieving success. I recall early in my career the devastating effect failure had on my personal identity. However, with several failures under my belt, I let go of attaching failure to my personal sense of worth. In fact, the moment I stopped considering it a negative outcome, it had little power over me.

“We are powerful co-creators when we say no to our fear and yes to our personal power,” states author Colette Baron Reid in: Uncharted: The Journey Through Uncertainty to Infinite Possibility.

It is important to view failure as an opportunity to advance towards your goals. It helps you improve and iterate each time you are unsuccessful. Apple and many leading companies have known this for decades and use it to improve their product designs and services, and so should you.

Avoid attaching failure to your self-esteem, as it will derail your progress. Rather, transform your frustrations and fears into passion and enthusiasm. Enthusiastic people enjoy the journey and seldom focus on outcomes alone. If you love what you do and do what you love, the journey can be more rewarding than the outcome.

Avoid attaching failure to your self-esteem, as it will derail your progress. Rather, transform your…
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“…when you do, you are using power; when you try, you are using force. In life, if you want to get things done, it is much better to be powerful than to be forceful,” states author Bernard Roth in The Achievement Habit: Stop Wishing, Start Doing, and Take Command of Your Life.

It is important to pursue interests that resonate with your deepest self. Everything else becomes insignificant when you know what is important to you. Many people focus on trivial matters while neglecting the bigger picture. They trust, by trying their hand at many things, that this strategy will return a favourable outcome. I liken this to painting a masterpiece by throwing paint at a canvas, expecting it to materialise as a Rembrandt.

Author Stephen R Covey states in his book: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective, “It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us.”

Most importantly, don’t let life pass you by but take command of your choices.

Whilst you have little control over outcomes, you have power over how you respond to them.

I enjoy the delightful quote by the late poet Maya Angelou: “Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ‘I’m with you kid. Let’s go.”

Reclaiming your life begins by being at peace with yourself, instead of believing you have been hard done by. It involves collaborating with circumstances, knowing even the direst conditions contain the seeds of opportunity for personal growth.

Author Brené Brown refers to it as avoiding the powerless trap: “…we are most dangerous to ourselves and to the people around us when we feel powerless. Powerlessness leads to fear and desperation.”

It is by acknowledging that you are powerful beyond measure, as Marianne Williamson states, that your inner and outer worlds converge to create a state of eternal harmony.

The post How to Reclaim Your Life and Take Back Your Power appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

Why You Should Think Long Term to Overcome Immediate Setbacks

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Hidden Lessons

It’s easier to obsess over setbacks, than to try to play the long game when it comes to life.

After all, obstacles are real while the future is promised to no one.

Disappointments have a way of overpowering you, however, they are just one aspect of your life. The key is to continually move forward and to not become caught up in your problems for too long.

You mustn’t allow what is taking place to overshadow your long-term plans. It was Henry Ford who said: “When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”

Like buried treasure, opportunities are hidden in your setbacks if you are willing to look hard enough. Once the anxiety settles, you come to realise the real account emerges.

Life should be measured in its entirety, not by your failures. If you’re lucky enough, you will live a long life. So, avoid giving too much attention to your setbacks, since you are likely to bounce back from them.

Life should be measured in its entirety, not by your failures. So, avoid giving too much attention…
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That is, don’t overstate what is taking place. We have a tendency towards a negativity bias which gets the better of us. Yes, your setbacks may be real, but you will overcome them to the best of your ability.

“If you can remember to look at your long-term goals, however, it will help you put setbacks into perspective,” affirms author Amy Morin in 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do.

Move your awareness away from negativity and consider the long-term view.

What could be taking place behind the scenes that you are unaware of?

Is there is a hidden lesson contained within the setback?

Self-Control and Discipline

The value of adopting a long-term view is in not taking things too seriously because ultimately it will resolve itself if you are patient.

You must develop a clear picture of your intended future, instead of focusing on the setback.

Obstacles are part of every person’s life. Whilst they are difficult to deal with, they allow for vital personal growth for the journey ahead.

You must adopt self-control and discipline to think long-term.

No one knows what the future holds, but if you have a purposeful vision of what it might look like, you can overcome your short term pain.

“Failures, setbacks, bad luck, disasters; they are there to serve you, not hold you back. They toughen you up and drive you to improve. Frustration fuels growth. It gives you the energy and resolve to clean yourself up, get organized, fix what you can, and take the next step,” states author Larry Weidel in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success.

Long-term thinking helps you appreciate that things will improve and you are never trapped in your present circumstances.

Time tests your inner resolve, your strength of character and your ability to withstand present conditions. Emotional growth occurs when you allow a situation to play out as it should.

It is difficult to take a long-term view because our minds are not accustomed to think far ahead. We are conditioned to deal with what is taking place now and typically have a limited view of tomorrow.

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”— Confucius

That comes at a cost to our wellbeing, because if we follow this script we are constantly putting out spot fires instead of working on larger goals.

To think long-term, develop an introspective outlook while reviewing your plans for the future.

Imagine Your Proposed Future

Take action however small, whether it be things such as self-reinforcement, affirmations or visualisations. Success is found in the smallest details.

In his book The Time Paradox: The New Psychology of Time That Will Change Your Life, psychologist and professor at Stanford University, Philip Zimbardo, states there are six time paradoxes that shape our lives:

1.  Past-negative

2.  Past-positive

3.  Present-fatalistic

4.  Present-hedonistic

5.  Future

6.  Transcendental-future

If you wish to take an inventory of your time perspective, I encourage you to complete the Zimbardo Time Perspective Inventory test online.

Based on his principles, your relationship with time influences every aspect of your life. So if you dwell on the past, you are less likely to appreciate the present moment and plan for the future.

The key to long term thinking is to imagine your proposed future through the power of your imagination. Focus on the smaller destinations instead of the larger picture.

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For example, if your goal is to lose 10 kg (22 lbs) by the end of the year and you are suddenly injured (setback), this will make it difficult to exercise and adhere to your goal.

However, you could focus on the setback or what you can do during this period.

Use this time to fine-tune your nutritional habits by consuming fewer carbohydrates, owing to inactivity. Later, when you can exercise again you are likely to enhance your weight loss due to following sound nutritional habits.

“You need to change your self-talk in order to shift the story you’re telling yourself about setbacks and adversity. You need to seek the insight or wisdom in challenging moments,” affirms author Adam Markel in Pivot: The Art and Science of Reinventing Your Career and Life.

Focus on the Long Game

There is always some action to take however small, to move you forward towards your goals.

Long-term thinking is something I’ve followed throughout my adult life. Whilst others excelled in individual areas and gained immediate results, I focused on long-term outcomes.

I experience setbacks and obstacles like most others, yet I don’t allow it to consume me. When I find myself stuck in a situation, I consider it a minor speed hump in what is a long journey.

I enjoy author Whitney Johnson’s view in her book Disrupt Yourself: Putting the Power of Disruptive Innovation to Work: “As I have grappled with my own failures, and as I have watched others dealing with setbacks, I have observed several responses that seem to ameliorate failure, transforming it into a stepping-stone to future success.”

That is the framework of this entire piece — using your setbacks as a stepping stone for future success. It is what esteemed Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck calls developing a Growth Mindset.

“Dweck says it’s difficult to maintain confidence in a fixed mind-set without distorting the world, such as acting defensively or blaming someone or something else for setbacks,” says Peter Sims in Little Bets: How breakthrough ideas emerge from small discoveries.

To overcome a setback, recognise it as a minor process in what is a greater plan unfolding. Deal with what is taking place by all means, but use the lessons to develop a Growth Mindset.

In closing, I invite you to focus on the long game for your life.

That is where the fruit of your labour lies waiting for you to seize it, rather than dwell on your past mistakes.

The post Why You Should Think Long Term to Overcome Immediate Setbacks appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

Why an Indomitable Will is the Key to Success

“Anyone can give up, it’s the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that’s true strength.” – Unknown

The Power of Resilience

A young man asked Socrates what the key to success was. So he invited him to meet at the river the following morning.

There, he asked the young man to walk into the river with him.

As the water made its way up to their necks, Socrates suddenly ducked him into the water. He struggled furiously, but Socrates kept him under until he turned blue in the face.

The young man struggled to free himself but finally came up, gasping for air.

“What did you want most when you were under water?” asked Socrates.

“Air,” the man replied.

“That’s the most important key to success. Wanting it as much as you want air. For only then will it be yours.”

This delightful tale underscores the message that success emanates from strong desire and inspired action.

Success is a tough game because we assume it is linear. However, in real life it involves setbacks, failures, detours and minor victories.

Success is a tough game because we assume it is linear. However, in real life it involves setbacks,…
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But the failures and setbacks deter people from realising their dreams.

Mental and emotional resilience is essential to overcome these obstacles.

“Resilience and Motivation are two of the critical abilities for which Winner’s Brains are wired,” state authors Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske in The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success.

Resilience is associated with the Navy Seals who undergo rigorous training known as BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL) during their initiation. The training eliminates a large portion of candidates due to the mental, emotional and physical demands placed on new recruits.

It is this same resilience that must be summoned to chase your dreams.

You must develop an unquestionable will to succeed, no matter the setbacks that will arise.

A strong determination is fuelled by a powerful force encouraging you to endure in the face of setbacks.

I call it having a compelling Why?

Your Why is your motivation to succeed. It is the reason you rise above your challenges when it matters most.

I don’t believe life tests us so much as it prepares us for what is to come.

“If you rise from a fall once, you become that much more confident you can rise again,” affirms author Sam Weinman in Win at Losing: How Our Biggest Setbacks Can Lead to Our Greatest Gains.

Obstacles force us to take massive action or regrettably, concede defeat.

It the same process the Navy Seals undergo. The commanding officers test their resolve to decide if the men can deal with dire conditions.

Life prepares you for success by forcing you to reach beyond your comfort zone.

It poses challenges to nurture your resilience, though you may realise at some point that the goal or dream is not what you really want.

Most people have dreams they aspire to, but few have the indomitable will to succeed in the face of obstacles.

“Sometimes you don’t realize your own strength until you come face to face with your greatest weakness.” – Susan Gale

Success Shapes Character

As the saying goes: to the victor go the spoils.

The human will compels you to persevere in the face of adversity.

It lights up the flame of your spirit and sends you forth to meet challenges armed with courage, strength and resilience.

Without these powers, you are at the mercy of conceding defeat because of weak motivation.

With a powerful will, there is determination and decisiveness to your actions. You are resolute, firm and compelled to overcome life’s obstacles, knowing they are placed in your path to nourish you.

“It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us,” avows the late author Stephen R. Covey in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

You should avoid short term disappointments and smaller prizes to achieve your long-term goals.

It is said success is a journey not a destination. Whilst an overused cliché, there is merit to its meaning.

Without setbacks and failures, you are unable to develop the fortitude and strength to meet your dreams when they arrive.

Success shapes a person’s character. It sharpens the saw as Stephen R. Covey states.

Therefore, connect with a powerful Why and nurture it if you wish to succeed. I assure you, when the time is right you will be greeted with the finest victory imaginable.

Remember: what you seek is seeking you, as long as you stay committed to the path.

Remember: what you seek is seeking you, as long as you stay committed to the path.
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The will to succeed is apparent when you face your challenges and setbacks. No one grows in perfect conditions. In moments of darkness, you either rise above your impediments or cower in defeat.

The American New Thought author, Napoleon Hill, writes in The Law of Success in Sixteen Lessons: “Until a man selects a definite purpose in life he dissipates his energies and spreads his thoughts over so many subjects and in so many different directions that they lead not to power, but to indecision and weakness.”

An Optimistic Outlook

Success coaches refer to will as grit: the inner resolve, courage and strength of character to persist through adversity.

To develop an indomitable will and harness an optimistic outlook, irrespective of what transpires. Optimism is an inner knowing that conditions will turn out for the best regardless of what lays ahead.

Similarly, develop a powerful will through your accomplishments and seeing the process through to completion. 

I’m reminded of the story author Napoleon Hill tells of a prospector who spent months digging for gold, before giving up and selling his equipment to a junk man. The junk man made millions soon after discovering a trace of gold less than a metre from where the prospector had stopped digging.

An indomitable will is essential for success otherwise you succumb to the pressures of life. The will lights the flame of hope and courage and encourages progress.

It is the American author and speaker John C. Maxwell who captured it perfectly in his book The Difference Maker: Making Your Attitude Your Greatest Asset: “Most people want to change the world to improve their lives, but the world they need to change first is the one inside themselves.”

So, do not wish for better conditions or an easier path because you will become listless and discouraged.

Persevere and endure your challenges.

It would be remiss of me to come this far and not mention Professor of Psychology Carol Dweck who states in Mindset: How You Can Fulfil Your Potential: “The passion for stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset.”

An indomitable will to succeed will lead you far in your journey of self-discovery.

The desire must emerge from within and be matched with the same need for air, as told in the opening tale.

Only then will you realise the narrative of your success story is far greater than you ever imagined.

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These are the 8 Secrets to Improved Happiness

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” — Mahatma Gandhi

Behavioural psychologists often deliberate on ways to create a happy society.

Personal development articles and books offer the secrets to happiness and I am no exception. Some people conclude that money plays a role in the pursuit of happiness. Yet, studies show people are no happier once their primary needs are met and they have a basic income.

In my experience, when life does not go according to plan there are ways to find happiness in the smallest details:

Expect Less

Studies show happy people value contentment as their primary motivation. If you are satisfied, you are likely to be happy. Working towards realistic goals is sure to cultivate happiness since you pursue that which brings you joy. This principle is espoused in author Loch Kelly’s book Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness: “Evidence shows that only 10 percent of our happiness is based on external success.” According to Killingsworth and Gilbert, as little as 4.6 percent of our happiness is derived from the specific activity that we’re doing. “To be happy, acknowledge what you have and cherish it.”

Enjoy Your Work

Happy people enjoy their work. They don’t pursue it for the money or fame but for the satisfaction it brings. Those stuck in an unfulfilled job that pays well, soon find it is not the way to happiness. Whilst it is rewarding being remunerated for your skills, money is just one aspect of job satisfaction. Pursue a job or career you enjoy. If you are not respected at work, find a satisfying job you enjoy; I assure you they exist. Many people waste their best years making money for their families while putting their passion on hold. However, your happiness is a priority too. Author Jonathan Fields states in How to Live a Good Life: “What about money? It matters. But not the way you might think. If you’re living in poverty and can’t cover your basics, every dollar earned increases happiness and life satisfaction. Once your living expenses are comfortably covered, though, more money has little, if any, effect on happiness.”

Live for Today

Avoid being fixated on your earlier failures. What’s gone is gone and to ruminate on the future only invites added stress and worry. You don’t know what will happen next, let alone predict your next step. So what is the point of worrying? Live in the present moment and enjoy it while you can. There is much to be gained with your focus on the present moment, such as taking in the beauty of life and reduced stress. The well acclaimed Buddhist author Ezra Bayda affirms this idea in his book The Authentic Life: Zen Wisdom for Living Free from Complacency and Fear: “In short, happiness doesn’t come from making happiness the goal — it comes from being able to appreciate the journey, particularly the present-moment experience of our life.”

Choose Happiness

Step away to re-establish your goals and maintain a flexible approach. This requires an open mind and positive thinking. Choose happiness as your primary goal instead of allowing other competing areas to overshadow it. You are not defined by one perspective and can choose a positive attitude in any moment. You can accept failure, which does little to help you move towards happiness or develop a positive outlook. No matter your choice, there will be another day to reveal your best self since conditions are continually changing. Embrace change with an open mind and life will unfold better than you imagine. “Real happiness comes not when you choose to be happy, but when you discover the things that will make you happy and then do them,” affirms author Jonathan Fields.

Be Social

Humans are social creatures. It is wired into our DNA to connect with others. A region of the brain called mirror neurons allows us to recognise and mirror the behaviour of other people. That is why yawning is contagious because scientist believe it is a sign of unconscious social bonding. Happiness and love flourish in the company of others and are important for your health and well-being. If you isolate yourself, negative emotions are likely to arise. In this time of technological connectedness, people are more isolated and lonely than ever, giving rise to mental health issues. Cherish those important to you via regular social contact. For example, studies show that married people are happier than single people. This highlights that close connections are vital to your overall emotional wellbeing.

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” — Dalai Lama XI

Don’t Compare Yourself

Whilst it’s fine to be ambitious, envy will only make you unhappy. Comparison to others has its limitations. We can become too invested in the lives of others and lose track of our journey. Everyone’s circumstances differ. To compare yourself to others will lead you towards emptiness and misery. Whilst other people’s lives may look perfect from the outside, there is a hidden story we are unware of. Whilst it helps to learn from them, too much competition can ruin your peace of mind. Focus on your dreams and goals and enjoy your achievements and success. Savour them instead of being competitive.

Stop Worrying

Most people worry about something, yet 90% of your worries do not come to pass. You might worry about the future when the future is uncertain. Avoid fixating on the worst in a situation since it is detrimental to your health. Learn to live for today, instead of tomorrow. Similarly, avoid worrying about what others think of you because it doesn’t matter. Be your true self instead of hiding behind a façade to appease others. No matter what you do or who you are, you will never please everyone. If you please some people, you will offend others, so strive to be your best self. I enjoy author Mary O’Malley’s perspective in her book What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life: “If your happiness is dependent on Life being a particular way, it is a given that the flow of Life will eventually dissolve the circumstances that are bringing you happiness, just like the tide washes away your writing in the sand.”

Develop a Positive Outlook

Without a positive outlook, there is little happiness to circulate in our lives. To follow the advice mentioned above, develop an optimistic attitude. It requires work and frequent attention but the rewards are worth it. As I have seen from my life, everything happens for our highest good, even if we are unware of it. Have you recently been fired from a job? Maybe an exciting career awaits you beyond your current job? Add a twist of positivity to what transpires and your life will change for the better. Spiritual author and teacher Adyashanti touches on this principle in his book Falling into Grace: “Most of us don’t want to be bothered. We don’t want our search for happiness to have any difficulty in it. What we really want is to be given happiness on a platter. But to find what true happiness is, we must actually be willing to be disturbed, surprised, wrong in our assumptions—and cast into a very deep well of unknowing.”

I conclude by drawing on Adyashanti’s wisdom once more, which sums up this entire article: “There’s no way to become happy. We simply need to stop doing the things that make us unhappy.”

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How to Stop Surviving and Start Thriving

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humour, and some style.” — Maya Angelou

The Obstacle Is the Way

You are born to thrive, not just to play it safe in your comfort zone.

You might try avoiding failure because it weakens your self-esteem – although failure is a prerequisite for success.

Ask any entrepreneur or adventurer, and they will tell you failure is essential.

However, I do not wish to embellish this article with positive psychology to make you feel good.

So let’s cut to the truth since something drew you here, whether by accident or as a regular reader.

For many, surviving means getting through the daily grind, only to endure the same battles all over again. This is not living because you are needlessly clutching to life.

I realise you will have commitments and obligations. Mouths to feed, expenses and a mortgage to pay.

Still, there’s a better way.

You may want more, though life can be difficult and challenging at times.

It’s worth reminding yourself, however, that the obstacle is in fact the way.

Some people seem to be thriving under whatever conditions they’re faced with, while we wonder why we are stuck in our predicament.

To thrive means to grow and flourish, not simply to scrape by. This is the premise of the film Groundhog Day, in which a weatherman played by actor Bill Murray, strangely lives the same day over and over again.

No one wants to get by when you have hidden potential waiting to emerge.

No one wants to get by when you have hidden potential waiting to emerge.
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“You have everything you need to thrive; you just have to plan for the race of your life. Each person’s journey and process is unique. The key to adopting a disruptor’s mind-set is to honestly assess your internal value chain to overcome every obstacle in the way,” states author Jay Samit in Disrupt You: Master Personal Transformation, Seize Opportunity, and Thrive in the Era of Endless Innovation.

A Shift in Mindset

Those who thrive nurture their personal growth and step outside their comfort zone. Those content to merely survive are happy not to disrupt their lives because of the anxiety and tension involved.

You can use tension and anxiety to give rise to creativity and opportunity.

Thriving requires a shift in mindset and taking chances on occasions.

The key to thriving is recognising you are unhappy and willing to make changes, irrespective of the steps involved.

There is a staleness to surviving, in that you become wearied and discontent. Your soul calls you to venture into the unknown where freedom and good fortune lies.

“Survive first, thrive later: that’s the motto of the lower brain. The well-documented tendency of our lower brain to encode negative, fear-based memories more readily into our unconscious memory than positive ones is referred to as negativity bias,” affirms author Linda Graham MFT in Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being.

No one enjoys setbacks and mediocrity because the human spirit is full of potential and purpose. Life consists of constant change, for it is sewn into the fabric of our lives.

To shift from surviving to thriving, simply begin by attending to your negative thoughts.

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” — Maya Angelou

Destructive thoughts can run deep into a person’s psyche if left unchecked. Replace the negativity by addressing the underlying beliefs supporting them.

You cannot move from surviving to thriving in days or weeks. Personal development is a journey of self-discovery and the pinnacle of achievement.

You deserve to have more and be more.

But, you must take the first step and move forward in that direction.

Dr. Alex Lickerman reinforces this thought in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self. “Indeed, the ability to soldier on when obstacles block our way to any goal, whether our life’s mission or our most trivial wish, has to be considered as much a part of resilience as the ability to survive and thrive in the face of adversity.”

Thriving Is a State of Mind

Don’t be concerned getting from point A to B in the shortest time. For as soon as you arrive, there will be another place for you to transition to.

Take responsibility for your life by choosing your conditions, instead of blaming outside circumstances.

Take responsibility for your life by choosing your conditions, instead of blaming outside…
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As you know, victims are stuck in a despairing mindset, believing the world owes them something. They contend life conspires against them, without realising they create their own circumstances.

It helps to know what you want from life. I’m not talking about superficial things such as the car you drive or house you live in. Yet something deeper: your purpose, what kindles your spirit and makes you come alive?

I realise this is difficult for many to answer. Though it is important to know what is of significance to you.

“When in survive mode, thriving takes a back seat. Although many opportunities might arise for a shift to a positive thriving mode, the brain with this narrowed focus is incapable of registering and capitalizing on them; this is part of what keeps the negative vortex going. Negativity is therefore a self-reinforcing and self-fulfilling mechanism in the brain,” states author Shirzad Chamine in Positive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours.

Thriving is a state of mind in as much as surviving is a negative state of mind. Therefore, shift your awareness from negativity to what is working in your life.

There is nothing novel about surviving. If you remain in this state for too long, your spirit contracts. This is tied to the deeper purpose for your life, regardless of whether you know about it.

We all want to find meaning in our lives. However, if you do not make empowered decisions, you relinquish it to your unconscious desires.

“This old, struggling ‘you’ is not natural or ‘real’. Your higher self is the most natural ‘self’ for you to be. You were meant to thrive. But you’ll only find this out when you take action,” avows Steve Chandler in Time Warrior: How to Defeat Procrastination, People-Pleasing, Self-Doubt, Over-Commitment, Broken Promises and Chaos.

Take small steps without being fixed on the destination. Ultimately, your journey is one of self-discovery.

The journey is filled with highs and lows. The lows help you to master yourself, so you gain lessons significant to your personal growth.

As a final point, refuse to accept negative conditions being permanent. It was Charlie Chaplin who quipped; “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.”

Knowing you were born to thrive is motivating, since there is more to your life’s narrative than you presume.

It involves merging into a grander version of the life you only thought possible.

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What If This Is All There Is?

“In one drop of water are found all the secrets of all the oceans; in one aspect of You are found all the aspects of existence.” — Kahlil Gibran

In Search Of Answers

When a new disciple came to the Master, he was subjected to the following examination:

“Do you know the one person who will never abandon you in the whole of your lifetime?”

“Who is it?” “You.”

“And do you know the answer to every question you may have?”

“What is it?” “You.”

“And can you guess the solution to every one of your problems?”

“I give up.” “You.”

Anthony de Mello’s delightful parable highlights the growing tension to look for answers outside ourselves.

In Zen Buddhism, it is said every question contains its own answer.

It was the American essayist Ralph Waldo Emerson who declared: “What lies behind us, and what lies before us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”

Many search for answers outside themselves to make sense of their life. Some give up, while many are disheartened since the solutions never arrive in the form they hoped for.

If something within you seeks change, it will only come from inward – not from an external source.

If something within you seeks change, it will only come from inward – not from an external source.
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“Many people confuse or conflate ‘purpose’ with ’meaning’ in life. There’s a very important distinction. Meaning in life asks “Why am I here?” “Purpose in life is concerned with what we most deeply value, and purposeful living is concerned with whether we’re living for what matters most,” affirms author Victor J Strecher in: Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything.

We want some form of validation we are living a purposeful life. Yet the irony is, nobody can grant us that because our lives are independent in relation to our experience of it. Others can only share wisdom relative to their experience.

If this message resonates with you, your personal evolution is calling you to expand, not to contract.

You needn’t know the details, yet you recognise you are dissatisfied with your current conditions.

I call it leading with love because life answers the call of your soul when you go in search of it.

I have often said, life doesn’t know what it will become until you step into it. Until you show up with purpose and seize opportunities.

We want to live a meaningful life instead of allowing external forces to control us.

If you consider life from what is missing, your mind looks for answers based on the form of the question.

Yet, if you ask: “How can I live my fullest potential and enjoy the process?” you will attract conditions in alignment with that very question.

“Counterintuitive as it sounds, taking on more of the ‘right’ things can actually increase the sense of meaning and accomplishment, even if your job does not specifically require it,” states author Jonathan Fields in How to Live a Good Life.

“You are afraid to die, and you’re afraid to live. What a way to exist.” — Neale Donald Walsch

Separating The Wheat   From The Chaff

I enjoy the embedded quote above by author Neale Donald Walsch who reminds us we are stuck between a rock and a hard place: “You are afraid to die, and you’re afraid to live. What a way to exist.”

So how can you find peace of mind within your circumstances?

Pursue that which resonates with your highest values. Life is full of ups and downs and you will make many mistakes along the way. Yet, those mistakes are pivotal in drawing you closer to what is significant.

Rather than dwell on the mistakes, see it as separating the wheat from the chaff.

From chaos emerges order.

What is important to you ought to be pursued by letting go of minor concerns. Life is full of contrasts to help you make conscious choices.

What is important to you ought to be pursued by letting go of minor concerns. Life is full of…
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Contrast exists in the subtlest details. For instance, an unpleasant thought is distinguished by a positive one, and conflict is contrasted by kindness.

It involves choosing your focus of attention to find meaning through your questions.

Similarly, people are disillusioned that happiness is not a constant state. Here’s an enlightened perspective. You can be happy, yet experience struggle and still turn your attention to gratitude by shifting from negativity to enthusiasm.

We’re not talking about false optimism or Pollyanna syndrome. However, recognising the dualistic nature of life and aligning your awareness with your highest values.

Author and Jungian psychotherapist James Hollis states in What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life: “Healing, satisfaction, and meaning only come when we identify what feeds our soul, and find also the courage and the where-withal to make it happen.”

Your point of reference determines the meaning in your circumstances. It is why altruistic people tie their good deeds to service and the meaning contained within it.

Conversely, those who align with darkness, act on impulses and unconscious desires. They are conditioned by forces not of their choosing.

Pay Attention to Your Personal Evolution

You can stop struggling any moment rather than trying to fill the void within.

Accept life’s circumstances are always serving your personal development.

There is no place to reach, other than paying attention to your personal evolution.

Assuredly, searching for purpose and meaning outside you is analogous to using your hands to carry water, instead of a bucket. In gathering water from a stream being careful not to spill it, you are left empty-handed.

So it is with life.

Holding on to what you desire most causes it to vanish because of the anxiety devoted to it.

The great American mythologist Joseph Campbell said: “People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. That’s what it’s all finally about.”

Avoid looking for answers to empty questions, but consider what is already complete in your life. Use that as the foundation to what you wish to realise.

Nothing outside you will bring about what is contained within.

It was the imminent Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung who said: “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

This sentiment is echoed by Anthony de Mello’s fable of the Master who counsels his new disciple, noting that everything you desire will arise by looking within.

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How the Power of Kindness Impacts your Life and That of Others

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” — Desmond Tutu

Wired For Kindness

Can you recall a time somebody was kind to you?

Now change the scenario and think of a time you were kind to another person? Call to mind their reaction and how you responded.

Move into your heart and notice the feelings there.

If you read no further than this point, you know that kindness affects the user and the experiencer – leaving a lasting impression.

In this fast pace world, kindness and compassion takes a back seat to selfies, self-interest and expendable human interactions.

Every person is waiting to be discovered or become rich, believing that holds the key to their happiness. Yet when they attain success, they long for their former life having underestimated the trappings of fame and celebrity.

I enjoy this quote by Professor of Environmental Studies and Politics, David W. Orr: “The plain fact is that the planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”

Kindness is fundamental to human existence. We are thrust into the world as newborns and enriched with the kindness of our parents’ nurturing for the following years.

Humans are the only mammals with a prolonged gestation period. Other creatures rely on support for a brief time before becoming self-reliant. We are powerless at birth and depend on our caregivers to provide for our needs.

Therefore, kindness is sewn into the framework of our DNA. We are literally wired for kindness.

Kindness is sewn into the framework of our DNA. We are literally wired for kindness.
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Each individual has opinions on how to improve the world, though no one wants to practice kindness.

Do No Harm

World peace will not arise from overthrowing dictatorial powers or ending conflicts between nations. It will happen when humanity raises its consciousness beyond that of fear and hatred.

I’ve often repeated that Peace Is Only A Thought Away. Its motives emerge through kind thoughts towards oneself and others.

“Unconditional love flows through specific channels of respect, integrity, purpose, meaning, value, response-ability, forgiveness, kindness, and compassion — and these form the foundation of our new, naturally ethical lives,” says author and psychotherapist Loch Kelly in Shift into Freedom: The Science and Practice of Open-Hearted Awareness.

Kindness is not something that demands hard work. It originates from the simple act of doing no harm to others.

It involves judging less, however compelled you might be to do so.

The ego is quick to judge because it is victimised and hurt, so it retaliates in revenge.

Kindness, however, bites its tongue. It does not seek to be right but rather to preserve peace of mind.

You gain little by giving someone a piece of your mind, other than inciting conflict and separation.

It was the Lebanese-born poet Khalil Gibran who wrote: “I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers.”

“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”— Mark Twain

It might be clear to you that fighting force with force is not the way towards peace.  But you might ask, does that mean allowing others to treat me unfairly?

No, not by any means. Though you needn’t retaliate with overwhelming force. I’m not implying you become a doormat, however I urge you to accept the lessons contained within the experience. Are you letting others treat you unfairly on some level? Or unconsciously giving them permission to do so?

“No matter how anyone responds to your kindness, just by repeating out loud the words you didn’t hear often enough or never heard at all, you guarantee yourself to be the one who exits each scene of life more healed, aligned and expanded than the moment before,” affirms author Matt Kahn in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You.

Benefits of Kindness

Kindness has many benefits including increased happiness and a healthy heart. It slows down the aging process and improves relationships and connections, which indirectly boosts your health.

People believe kindness is particular to those of religious faith because of their moral vows. Kindness does not require you to be of religious faith or even spiritual. Demonstrations of kindness are observed in man’s best friend, the dog. Cats show kindness and are treasured for their emotional connection.

Kindness broadens your life’s frame of reference and is a symbol of respect to value the receiver.

It influences the giver more than the receiver and has correlations with enhanced mental, emotional and physical well-being.

Through the 1990s, the late Dr. Masaru Emoto performed a series of experiments examining the natural effects of words, prayers, music and environment on the crystalline structure of water. He noted when kind and loving words were conveyed to the water, they formed a complete crystal structure compared to energies of hate and anger.

Considering approximately 70% of our body is made up of water, kindness has a direct impact on our immediate health.

People believe kindness signifies weakness and being taken advantage of. It’s important to delineate between kindness and being a doormat to others. You can be kind and assertive when others attempt to profit from your kindness.

Author Matt Kahn states: “When human interactions become a way of practicing self-acceptance by treating others with more patience, kindness, and respect, a constant need to be heard shifts into listening as an act of love.”

You should in no way undermine your self-worth at the expense of others, but simply practice kindness while upholding your integrity.

You should in no way undermine your self-worth at the expense of others, but simply practice…
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Be Kind Anyway

It’s no surprise wicked acts have a greater impression on us than acts of kindness. We are alerted to fear more than goodness.

Psychologists believe we are wired to detect that which threatens our survival and happiness. We give attention to acts of cruelty in the news because it is perceived as a threat to our survival.

In these times of disingenuous social media interactions, unkindness abounds as people hide behind screens.

This does not make it appropriate to abuse others. There is a person on the other side of the screen with feelings we must take into account.

An important lesson in kindness involves asking yourself: ‘How would I handle being the recipient of this?’ If it doesn’t feel good avoid the behaviour.

“Hurt is hurt, and every time we honour our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us,” avows author and social researcher Brené Brown in Rising Strong.

I wish to leave you with a passage from Mother Teresa’s poem titled Anyway, in which she states: “People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centred; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.”

Incorporate the smallest acts of kindness into your everyday life and notice the ripple effects. The Butterfly Effect in Chaos Theory asserts that a tiny event in one region of the globe can have a substantial effect somewhere else.

Armed with this knowledge, it is the Dalai Lama who reminds us that if you can’t be kind, avoid harming others.

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Make Fewer Decisions For Better Health

With the fast-pace lifestyles we all lead, making as few decisions as possible will help set you up for better health. Making the right food choices or summoning up the willpower to hit the gym can be challenging at times. I will show you in this article how to be more compliant and successful with adhering to a set routine with a very small lifestyle shift.

We’ve all had those days when 4pm rolls around, you’re tired from the work week, feeling like indulging in a late afternoon cake or piece of candy… and you convince yourself to skip the gym tonight and “plan” to go early the next day instead. The next day, you hit the snooze button and put the gym off till that evening instead. [Insert vicious cycle here].

By leaving things open to making excuses for, having no structured routine and a sea of choices to make before zeroing in on your heath and fitness goals, this can be a massive roadblock. Taking proactive steps, planning and cutting out some of the choices you have to make each day, especially pertaining to your health and fitness, is key.

By leaving things open to making excuses for, having no structured routine and a sea of choices to…
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Decision Fatigue – What Is It? What Does It Have To Do With My Health And Fitness?

According to Wikipedia, decision fatigue refers to “the deteriorating quality of decisions made by an individual, after a long session of decision making.” A study at Columbia University reported that Judges in court are shown to make less favourable rulings later in the day rather than earlier in the day. 1 See also James Clear’s article on decision fatigue here, for more detail.

If you’re not hands-on with shortcutting decisions, then decision fatigue can kick in earlier in the day and chances are you will feel like hitting the couch after work rather than the gym. It’s common to wake up, only to decide what clothes to wear, breakfast to eat, if you’re going to go for a run or to hit the gym to lift weights.

Don’t leave your health in the hope that you will make the right choices! Buy it and book it, with no chance of a refund or changing your mind. Every good salesman knows that giving too many options is never a good thing, which is much the same for your diet and training regime. Take away options and complexity to ensure better compliance.

Famously, Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, Mark Zuckerberg and President Obama all chose to wear the same or similar outfits everyday, so they could be more productive in their respective fields. Success has left us clues and principles that can be applied to your training and nutrition!

Applying Less Decisions To Your Health

If you’re someone who struggles to stick with your fitness or eating plan, you must find a combination of accountability, habit, results and enjoyment. Without those, you will be one of the many that start and never follow through with it to see the results and make it a routine habit.

Accountability

This is crucial for you to follow through even when times are tough and you might not feel like it. Having a coach there, making sure you are checking the boxes each day, has a multitude of benefits for accountability. Not only does your coach give you fast-tracked expert guidance but the social pressure of not letting the coach down and more importantly not wasting your hard earned dollars if you don’t show up for the session. Some people say they can’t afford a personal trainer or a coach, but I say to them you can’t afford not to have one!

Other ways of creating accountability are committing with a partner, friend or colleague to a minimum of twelve months of training together and checking up on each other’s nutrition. Twelve months might sounds like a long time, but if you are serious about turning a commitment into a lifestyle habit, I have found with my clinical experience, those that can last 12 months create a habit for the rest of their lives. It might sound a little narcissistic, but posting on social media can create accountability by announcing to everyone what your intentions are and can even invite family and friends to offer words of encouragement and support.

Habit

The secret to your long-term success is without a doubt: habit. Once your training and nutrition has embedded itself into your lifestyle, then all the hard decisions are gone. Health no longer becomes a choice, it is a necessity!

Once your training and nutrition has embedded itself into your lifestyle, then all the hard…
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Results

Seeing results has a powerful reinforcing effect on your psychology to continue with your training and to continue to eat well. There are also benefits and reasons why you are to maintaining your newfound habits. “If you’re not assessing, you’re guessing.” Take photos, measurements, blood work and anything that can show a positive change. This is a tool for your continued success. If you’re not getting the favourable results that you expected, then go see an expert. Chances are you will shortcut results and learn of ways to keep improving.

Enjoyment

It’s self-explanatory, you are more likely to continue with something that you enjoy doing rather than beating your head against a brick wall hoping that it will feel better soon. If you don’t like the gym, try gymnastics, cross fit, basketball, whatever! There is no one-way that it has to be done. Anyone who says, “this is the only way” doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Training and healthy eating shouldn’t be a chore, it must be pleasurable and rewarding. If you are struggling with enjoyment, then find yourself a coach, trainer or person that is truly inspired and enjoys what they do. You will find their attitude infectious and the enjoyment will flow though to yourself!

In summary, wear the same clothes everyday and make fewer decisions for success in health and fitness.

Adam McCubbin

References:

S. Danziger, J. Levav and L. Avnaim-Pesso, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2011, 108, 6889-6892.

This guest post is brought to you by: Adam McCubbin – High Performance Strength & Conditioning Coach. For more on Adam’s work, please check out his website and connect with him via Instagram.

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If The Struggle Is Real, It’s Worth It In The End

“Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.” — Orison Swett Marden

Emotional Intensity

The American novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote a letter to his daughter Scottie in 1940 stating, “Life is essentially a cheat and its conditions are those of defeat; the redeeming things are not happiness and pleasure but the deeper satisfactions that come out of struggle.”

Struggle is tied closely to the human condition, a simmering battle of opposing forces. It lurks amidst the anguish of opportunity and seizes upon us in moments of weakness.

The struggle is obvious, whether you’re engaged in chasing your dreams or caught up in the grind of everyday living.

Embedded in each person’s struggle is a purpose waiting to unfold.

Embedded in each person’s struggle is a purpose waiting to unfold.
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Yet, many people never make it this far because the struggle intensifies their pain, and they quit even while they are ahead.

“Everything in your life — especially your challenges — is tailor-made to help you see your stories of struggle. Whatever is in the way is the way!” avows author Mary O’Malley in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life.

In fact, the biggest impediments faced during times of struggle are the thoughts that get in the way.

Just think of the last time you were enraged and considered writing an abrasive email, yet came back to it the following day.

I’m sure your emotional intensity waned, and you no longer felt the same. Why is that?

The point I wish to emphasise, is that your thoughts and their corresponding emotions are real. You experience their intensity and feel compelled to act on them.

Not necessarily.

Feel the emotions, but avoid being trapped by their impulsiveness.

Running away from pain only intensifies it. Explore the emotions by all means but don’t stuff them down.

The issue is that you are trapped in your thoughts and are overstating what is taking place. You assign a storyline not reflecting reality.

“Struggles only persist when we search outside for causes and cures,” asserts sports psychologist Garret Kramer in The Path of No Resistance: Why Overcoming is Simpler than You Think.

Looking back on history, the greatest stories arise from pain and struggle.

Joseph Campbell’s mythological narrative of the Hero’s Journey draws on twelve distinct themes, the two main encounters being: Crossing The Threshold and The Ordeal.

This same narrative is the basis of every successful Hollywood film. The main character experiences an obstacle in the beginning, only to overcome it in the end.

The American writer Mark Twain said, “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”

What transpires is more inexplicable than can be imagined.

We identify with this narrative because it is the human story we know all too well.

These forces are sewn into the fabric of life, designed to help you discover your greatness if you dare.

Resistance and Struggle

I value author and social researcher Brené Brown’s perspective in Rising Strong: “But I’m learning that the process of struggling and navigating hurt has as much to offer us as the process of being brave and showing up.”

Inner growth does not occur without resistance and struggle. Those with financial riches are not immune to life’s challenges.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

The struggle is the seed that gives life to the unfolding story that beckons you to explore.

What if your struggles have actually laid the foundations for something greater to emerge?

What if your struggles have actually laid the foundations for something greater to emerge?
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Is it worth exploring?

If there’s a compelling enough reason, it may ultimately lead you to success. Nothing should stand in the way if your motives are strong enough.

“People who cheat want to avoid the struggle, the cost, or the fight. They don’t know the truth about winning: Nothing of value in this world comes easy. The only way to get anywhere worthwhile is to go to work,” states author Larry Weidel in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success.

Rest if you must, take a break however long, but don’t give up because you interfere with the unfolding story if you exit midway.

How can you maintain a hopeful outlook during uncertain times you ask?

The Struggle Is Real and Worth It

First, embrace the struggle, the pain and the disappointment.

By associating with it, you appreciate the goal or dream is real. The frustration, the heartache and misery is inviting you to reach higher.

Recall the Hero’s Journey?

No one portrays this more persuasively than former President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, in a speech entitled Man in the Arena. “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly… who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

Don’t run away from the struggle as it will linger longer than you want it to.

Consider it an old friend who comes to stay for a while, yet is still sleeping on your couch six months later.

The struggle is not constrained by a timeline nor concerned by your disappointments. When it ushers into your life, it will turn you inside out and entrench itself deep within your psyche.

So invite it in, make it a cup of tea since it will be staying longer. Become acquainted with what it wants you to know and why it has called upon you.

Identify with the struggle and don’t defeat it sooner because it will assuredly overstay its welcome if you force it to leave.

Author Mary O’Malley states, “In fact, everything in your life is a part of the journey into recognizing and living from a place that is beyond struggle.”

Then one day, the struggle will disappear in search of another person to befriend.

Bid farewell and be ready to welcome the next episode; reward. When she sweeps in, it will be as though the struggle was a moment frozen in time.

It is with that we return to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s opening quote and draw your attention to the deeper satisfactions of our lives emerge out of struggle.

Were it not for the pain, how would you know the depths of your character?

For hidden within the recesses of your soul lies the need for glory, made apparent as struggle.

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6 Golden Rules for Living the Good Life Right Now

“The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.”— Bertrand Russell

You may think living a good life requires a vast change in circumstances to leave your old life behind.

While that may be the case, it requires throwing off the bowline and setting sail on what awaits ahead. It is likely to be smoother sailing than navigating the torrents of the grind associated with everyday living.

To improve your life, make sure to focus on one key point outlined here until you have embodied the knowledge at a deeper level.

Don’t wish for the destination to arrive sooner, since that is like leaving home on a road trip without your car keys. You cannot skip to the end while foregoing the journey that takes place in-between.

Easy does it, one step at a time.

Don’t Worry About What You Can’t Control

We spend our lives worrying about things outside our control, feeling powerless to experience an extraordinary life. Many of your problems seldom come to pass. It is the uncertainty of an unexpected future which causes pain and disillusionment. Let go of worry and develop trust because life is self-serving and knows exactly what it’s doing for your greater good.

Often it may seem that a situation is not playing out as you expect. Don’t be quick to judge what is taking place until the entire picture is formed. I invite you to consider your problems in the context of what do I worry about? versus what should I worry about? In most cases, we catastrophise circumstances that will fix themselves if we allow ourselves to step back from the drama.

Chaos is necessary in order to give birth to new beginnings. If you gauge what is taking place based on first impressions, you are not seeing the entire picture – only a tiny facet of it.

Chaos is necessary in order to give birth to new beginnings.
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Don’t Take Yourself Or The World Seriously

Many people believe life owes them something. This may be gained from family and loved ones and carried around like a heavy burden. Yet, this keeps them trapped in their misery because they live according to these expectations and not what is actually taking place in their life.

Life doesn’t owe you anything because you are the expression of life, meaning you convey whatever you want to experience through your thoughts and actions.

Imagine you’re looking down on your life from outer space. How insignificant would your problems appear from that viewpoint? The only reason you take yourself seriously is because you are involved in your own drama and cannot see a way out – you are caught in the eye of the storm. So stop struggling and allow life to take you where it needs to, because you will end up in a delightful place once the storm has settled.

Master Yourself As Best You Can

To master yourself means knowing who you are beyond your character traits. It means cultivating an empowering inner dialogue. When you are in tune with yourself, you are aware of who is contained behind the person you call “I.” This formed image is the accumulation of past conditioning and does not represent the real you.

If you only identify with that part, you realise you are nothing more than pain and suffering. The ego tries to reinforce this image instead of identifying with your core self. It then becomes a battle to distance yourself from the fictitious character formed in your mind. The more you give it life, the stronger it grows. You are whole, comprised of both worthy and imperfect qualities, yet you are not any of these in particular unless you associate with them.

If you associate with anger or fear, you overlook other prominent qualities. From this perspective there is nothing to take seriously because your formed image is a character come to life in your mind.

“The good life consists in deriving happiness by using your signature strengths every day in the main realms of living. The meaningful life adds one more component: using these same strengths to forward knowledge, power or goodness.” — Martin Seligman

Practice Kindness And Compassion

Kindness and compassion are elements of a two-way street benefiting giver and receiver alike. Compassion means a shared empathy for others who experience pain and suffering.

It’s shown that compassion affects the supramarginal gyrus, a part of the cerebral cortex region of the brain. Practicing compassion directs your mind to be more empathic, which is a sign of emotional intelligence. Kindness means to treat your fellow man with humility and respect. You treat others as you want to be treated yourself. The basis to kindness starts with compassion for oneself.

When a person lacks kindness, they may have been psychologically, emotionally or physically abused and have adopted this learned behaviour. But this is not the essence of who they are.

Kindness means to treat your fellow man with humility and respect. You treat others as you want to…
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Make Peace With Fear And Anger

A golden rule to living a good life is to make peace with fear and anger. It is unhealthy to harbour toxic emotions fuelled by thoughts that intensify them. Whatever occurred in the past taught you something important about yourself and your life. If you do not make peace with these emotional states, they will afflict you. They are toxic energies with a potential to ruin your relationships and health in the long term.

This has been a major part of my work in the past decade, during which I devoted two books to helping people transform their pain. To make peace with fear and anger, accept what transpired in the past and give up the need to be right. You can be right or you can be happy but you cannot be both. Choose happiness every time, even if you must give up something because your emotional wellbeing is paramount.

Many people want happiness, yet clutch to their anger and fear with intensity. They are reluctant to let go of these emotions to experience the very thing they desire. You cannot hold a piece of hot coal in one hand and a beautiful flower in the other because your attention is diverted to the pain, instead of the beauty in the flower. “Fear, largely, is a waste of good life, one of the most capable thieves of presence. Not to mention love,” affirms author Jan Frazier in The Freedom of Being: At Ease with What Is

Love And Approving Of Yourself

I deliberately left this point until now since it ties everything together. Many problems people experience arise from a lack of self-love. They focus on their unworthiness instead of choosing to highlight their greater qualities. They create a story of pain and misery which amplifies their suffering. Loving yourself starts by recognising you are worthy. You are worthy irrespective of what happened in the past.

I grew up with a stern upbringing from a domineering father who insisted nothing I did was good enough. As a result, I became my own role model by providing whatever was missing from my childhood. I nurtured myself with loving kindness and compassion over the years. In retrospect, this was the most significant step I undertook because it instilled in me a strong sense of self-esteem. I no longer relied on others to reinforce my sense of self because it came from within.

Loving yourself means complete acceptance of who you are, without conditions. It means owning your pain and suffering, knowing you are complete and deserving in every way.

“Because, just as supportive love teaches us that we are valuable and worthy of a good life, archetypal wounds teach us to devalue who we are and believe that we are unworthy of a good life,” states author Mario Martinez in The MindBody Code: How to Change the Beliefs that Limit Your Health, Longevity, and Success.

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