Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 36

Life Will Kick You Until You Are Down, But That’s When The Growth Occurs

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

How do we change our circumstances when lying face down in the gutter?

Can a person recover from despair and overcome their pain and suffering?

Pain is a menacing threat that grows in intensity and never leaves you. There are moments of respite, though it never leaves. Not in the way you want it to.

That’s what sadness is like — despair interwoven with glimpses of elation.

How do we transcend the pain?

Are we meant to overcome or endure it?

Does the person who endures the most in the end prevail?

So many questions, yet answers are few.

Life is a one way conversation with a universe that speaks but doesn’t listen. She yells in a bellowing roar that I drown it out and retreat into the sanctuary of my mind.

Struggle is an oppressive adversary, like a boa constrictor enveloping you, pausing momentarily – and then smothering you again.

Can you relate to this feeling?

I don’t want to be defined by my suffering, that’s not who I am, nor whom I intend to be.

I recall a time when struggle and pain meant grazing my knee at soccer practice. The wounds eventually healed, and I was left with a faint scare to mark my fall.

Nowadays, pain lasts longer than a grazed knee. It is like being chased in a terrifying dream that never ends, stuck in an endless loop.

In such moments, we are characterised by our struggle and assume the identity of the wounded victim. We have no choice because life thwarts us every time we try to rise.

Garret Kramer writes in The Path of No Resistance: “All of us have experienced struggles that appeared to be the result of a certain situation, only to later ask ourselves: This situation isn’t so complicated. What in the world was troubling me?”

But here’s what I found to be the antidote to suffering: I am pushed to grow in the moments, days and weeks that follow the despair. For some, it might be years, dare I say decades for growth to be realised.

I wish I could mend your pain in the way my mother took care of my grazed knee. But sometimes we must go it alone. For it was Winston Churchill who once said: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

He knew pain and suffering ultimately recedes to give way to inner growth.

Wishing away the pain does nothing to cultivate grit and strength of character. The gentlest souls are those who have endured the greatest hardships and gained a humility for life.

“Let us never look hardship in the face and run. To do so is to tear ourselves from this world and this time, and to relinquish our growth and contributions in life.”

“Let us always remember that in addressing our pain and fear, we gain mastery over them,” writes Brendon Burchard in The Motivation Manifesto.

We are but a small cog in a wheel forever expanding and contracting.

I’m reminded of a quote by the Buddha who said: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.”

So, are you allowing life’s pain and struggle to define you or using it to grow and expand? Remember, the universe favours expansion.

Everything taking place in your life right now is leading to the unfolding of your life’s narrative.

You can recoil from it or lean into it.

Suffering is the seed life plants in you to reveal your greatest potential, so you may come to know your authentic self.

 

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How to Overcome Fear and Transform Your Life to Be Bigger and Bolder

A Mind-Made Illusion

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” — Jim Morrison

In his book Influence: Science and Practice, author Robert Cialdini shares a story capturing the life-changing effects of fear.

In a tribe in southern Africa, the Thonga people hold an annual initiation for the young boys in the village. A young Thonga boy must endure a series of intense physical challenges before being admitted to adulthood.

The three-month ritual comprises six major trials: beatings, exposure to cold, thirst, eating unsavoury foods, punishment and the threat of death. These strange rituals are designed to turn a young boy into a man, while silencing his inner demons.

Spending three months subjected to mental, emotional and physical hardship is extreme. However, many of these young boys go on to become strong and powerful leaders in their tribes.

Despite the cruelty of the ritual, the story highlights how we can transform our fears from weakness into courage.

“Fear rips up from freedom. It is the destroyer of greatness. We know this, and we know we should tame our minds in order to defeat fear. Yet look at all the adults who act like powerless children and avoid the life they want because of fear,” writes Brendon Burchard in The Motivation Manifesto.

In society, fear impairs the lives of those who buy into its false existence. It was the French philosopher René Descartes who declared: “I think therefore I am.”

The fact that I’m aware of my thoughts means there’s a thinker behind the thoughts. Many people unwittingly believe: “If I think fearful thoughts, they must be true.”

Yet fear is no more than an illusion created by the mind. A great deal of what we fear rarely eventuates, yet fear predominates our thought landscape.

Since fear is a survival instinct alerting us to impending danger, it becomes a threat when our thoughts are stuck in a repetitive cycle.

When fear rules your life, you are at the mercy of the emotion.

Psychotherapist David Richo explains in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them: “When we look deeply into our fears, we see that, at base, every fear is a fear of not having control.”

Transforming Fear

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. ” — Nelson Mandela

How can we transform fear so it doesn’t impair our lives?

Firstly, appreciate that fear is feedback alerting you to forward progress. It signifies you are stepping out of your comfort zone and moving into uncharted territory.

Rather than oppose your fears, see it as an opportunity to gain new insights. Embrace fear as part of your personal evolution. Many people see it as a brick wall while others regard it as an opportunity to overcome.

“Fear reduces resilience and the ability to grow from trauma, and purposeful living reduces fear,” avows author Victor J. Strecher in Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything.

Fear inspires a call to action. It advises us to avoid what is harmful to our lives and take affirmative action.

Take for example the fear of public speaking, widely considered one of people’s greatest fears.

The American comedian Jerry Seinfeld states: “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

It is apparent in this instance that fear forces us to brush up on our speaking skills through rehearsal. Rather than being unprepared, fear forces us to show up ready or risk being humiliated in front of an audience.

As we overcome fear, we build strength of character and rise above any obstacles towards victory. Therefore, fear is a teacher providing you with the vital experience before the lesson.

The Present Moment

“If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgement of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgement now.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Since fear is a future occurrence, it allows us to reconnect to the present moment when our minds wander. We are reminded of the fact that all we have is contained within this moment.

There’s no need to worry or fear a future which seldom arrives as we hope, since fear reminds us to let go of the incessant thoughts of an expected tomorrow.

Colette Baron Reid states in Uncharted: The Journey Through Uncertainty to Infinite Possibility: “One of the biggest challenges in overcoming self-centered fears is that when we’re afraid, we’re likely not in the present.”

It must be repeated, we cannot drop fear from our lives, not in the way many people believe. We can turn down the volume on fear by not becoming a slave to it. Susan Jeffers’ acclaimed self-help book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is a suitable axiom for learning to befriend fear.

Take inspired action in spite of your fears and don’t cower from them in resignation. Many people are helpless in the face of their fears, because they buy into the narrative associated with it.

Fear is a signal, calling you to recognise something within that needs to be addressed.

We must remind ourselves that fear helps us make better decisions in light of perceived danger. We must have our wits about us, instead of throwing ourselves unknowingly at a task.

Your response to fear provides a glimpse into your psyche. Are you constantly running away from fear or facing it head on?

What are you afraid of?

Who would you be without your fears?

What would life look like?

Try to imagine a world where you are not dictated by your fears. This is the state you want to create if you are to transform your life to be bigger and bolder.

Colette Baron Reid affirms that: “If you want your fear to fade away and myriad possibilities you never considered to start revealing themselves, you need a different map, one that shows the unknown, unexplored places. Those are the places your soul wants to go.”

Fear is a call towards inner growth and freedom because running away from fear makes it grow in intensity. Approach it with compassion and an open heart by forgiving yourself and others who contributed towards your fears.

You might be surprised to know that our fears can be passed down through generations. Wars and hatred stem from the paralysis of fear. We fear what we don’t understand, then we ultimately go to war with it.

Invariably, if we dislike parts of ourselves, this is a call to make peace within. As you know, what you feed and nurture inside you grows stronger.

David Richo reminds us that love is the antidote to fear: “The reason love casts out fear is that love creates the feeling of safety. When we act with love, we feel so good about ourselves that courage blooms. We find the poise to be at home with givens that scared us before.”

Ultimately, you have a choice: make peace with fear or allow it to control your life.

Hopefully you will be motivated to choose the former. Transcending fear is liberating since it frees you from the self-imposed fortress it creates.

Fear cannot dwell inside a heart filled with love. For love is the essence of your authentic nature and fear is a nothing more than a shadow cast by the ego to protect you, not serve you.

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This Is Why You Can Fail In Life And Still End Up Where You Need To Be

The Roadmap To Victory

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” – Denis Waitley

You can fail in life and end up where you need to be because failure is not permanent — giving up is.

Countless articles are sprawled across the internet, advocating the key to success. However, the conversation around failure is less prominent.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s this: failure is not as disastrous as people believe it to be.

Thomas Edison once said: “Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure.”

It may seem negative at first. Yet, if you move past the fears, failure is nothing more than a signpost guiding you in the right direction.

You might try assigning a human quality to failure, to relate to it better. Don’t see it as a force outside you inhibiting success, but as an integral part of your psyche leaving clues towards success.

Renowned author Elizabeth Gilbert writes in Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear: “You can measure your worth by your dedication to your path, not by your successes or failures.”

We are not entrusted with a road map marking our way through life, so we’re left to make it up as we go along. For this reason, be compassionate with yourself since you don’t have all the answers at your disposal.

Think of failure as being blindfolded in a maze and asked to find your way out. To find the exit, you must take the wrong turns to gain insight on the direct passage out.

Your failures (taking the wrong turns) become the roadmap to victory (finding the exit).

Life functions in the same respect, in so far as the key to success is contained within your mistakes.

Success Lessons

“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” – Napoleon Hill

Some people recover from failures quicker than others, but it is the lessons gained from the experience that is paramount.

“Serial winners bounce back, move on, and win anyway. And they do it through action,” affirms Larry Weidel in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success.

Failure sharpens the saw of the human will and endows us with determination.

I attended a mastermind group for several years where it was restated that we should fail often and fail fast. The significance is to speed the rate at which you fail and learn from the lessons.

You can fail in life and still end up where you need to be because failures are pivotal moments in your success journey. Whilst it may not appear that way, it is because you’re invested in your life story.

A mentor is helpful to guide you through your failures than if you were to go it alone.

Author Jeff Olson’s writes in The Slight Edge: “Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal. ‘Progressive’ means success is a process, not a destination. It’s something you experience gradually, over time. Failure is also just as gradual. In fact, the difference between success and failure is so subtle, you can’t even see it or recognize it during the process. And here’s how real success is built: by the time you get the feedback, the real work’s already done.”

What you consider failure, others see as vital success lessons. You can reframe failure as learning aids through repeated setbacks.

Consider it as a letting go moment. Just as you no longer play with your childhood toys since you have outgrown them, your relationship with failure ought to be the same.

Many people don’t succeed because they associate failure with their self-worth and never try again.

The point worth highlighting is to outgrow your negative association to failure, so it doesn’t impact your self-worth.

“I learned then that there is a difference between failing and failure. Failing is trying something that you learn doesn’t work. Failure is throwing in the towel and giving up. I refused to be a failure. As Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm,” writes author Jay Samit in Disrupt Yourself.

Success is a Destination

“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.” –Paulo Coelho

Many people equate success with frequent wins and fewer setbacks. The reality is, more defeats lead to success if the individual is willing to learn from the setbacks.

For example, you can be rejected by nine out of ten record labels but if you are a musician you can still be remarkably successful with the one offer.

Authors Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske remind us in The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success: “Winners reframe failures so that they work to their advantage and recognize that when things don’t go according to plan the journey isn’t necessarily over — and in fact failure is often a new opportunity in disguise.”

There’s a meme that gets shared on social media depicting what we imagine success to be and its corresponding associations.

It highlights why it’s important to develop a new framework around failure, if you wish to succeed.

Failure invigorates the human spirit or delivers a crushing blow to a person’s self-worth. Either way, it governs whether the individual has what it takes to find a way through their challenges.

The saying ‘Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth’ applies to failure. For it was the American motivational speaker Jim Rohn who once quipped: “Success leaves clues.”

In a similar vein, the late Hungarian mathematician Farkas Bolyai wrote: “When the time is ripe for certain things, they appear at different places, in the manner of violets coming to light in early spring.”

Knowing this, reframe your perception of failure as a signpost leading you closer to a prosperous future.

As long as you don’t give up, success is a destination you will reach if you are firm in your determination, like a train bound to its tracks.

After all, failure is life’s way of nudging you back on track, to reach your destination when the time is right — as long as you stay on course and never give up.

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10 Ways To Boldly Commit To Your Dreams and Make Them A Reality

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss

Follow Your Bliss

The pursuit of a dream is an elusive yet fulfilling quest that many go in search of.

Ask any person who trades a career to pursue their vision and they’ll declare not having worked a moment in their life.

However, chasing a dream for others is filled with fear of the unknown. To place one’s trust in a universe that rarely interacts with them can be soul-destroying.

“We may fill our days playing the short game by collecting material things. Yet owning our dreams is the ultimate long game,” write authors Patrick Vlaskovits, Jonas Koffler and Neil Patel in Hustle: The Power To Charge Your Life With Money, Meaning And Momentum.

From an early age, we learn to romanticise the idea of following our dreams. However, the advice is largely ignored by parents and teachers since they claim dreams don’t necessarily lead to long-term success.

As adolescents approach their final years of education, the nostalgia of pursuing a dream shifts towards a permanent reality. Overnight, following your bliss, as the late American mythologist Joseph Campbell described this notion, is dowsed before it burns.

Author and motivational speaker Brendon Burchard writes in The Motivation Manifesto: “When we allow our attention to drift from our dreams and into the vast sea of unawareness, our motivation is dragged along behind it.”

Whether or not you’re following a meticulous plan in pursuit of your dreams, it is less about the fantasy itself that many people espouse.

The American author and poet Henry David Thoreau wrote in Walden: “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” He was referring to the hard work required to bring dreams to fruition.

“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” — Michelangelo

1. Dreams Emanate from the Soul:

Your dreams are a call from the soul to pursue that which you love, yet serves others. You may have unique gifts upon which to paint your life’s canvas. They may be related to your talents, skills and genius. Listen to the call of your soul by harnessing your potential so that even the blind are aware of them. “We must move toward our dreams, and as we chase better outcomes, we get to choose our own adventure. In a word, we must hustle,” affirm authors Patrick Vlaskovits, Jonas Koffler and Neil Patel.

2. Don’t Give Up on Your Dreams:

Many people give up on their dreams before they’ve had a chance to succeed, believing they are impossible to achieve. Pursuing dreams is hard and challenging, with little signs of success along the way. Though, everything can fall into place quicker than you expect when the timing is right. Your dreams can come alive when you least expect it, so be vigilant and tenacious in your pursuit. “Success and fulfillment in life rests on the unflagging ability to get up, to be ourselves, to chase our dreams with fire each day, to keep willing ourselves to the next level of presence and performance and potential” states author Brendon Burchard.

3. Focus on Small Steps:

You may feel powerless at times due to unavoidable setbacks. Don’t be concerned with your next step, for it will reveal itself as you draw nearer. Each step of the journey will unfold at the right time. If you rush the process, you risk leaping into unchartered territory. If your intentions are well-meaning, success is imminent as long as you stay committed and disciplined.

4. Be Flexible:

Flexibility is crucial for chasing your dreams, since opportunities you might not expect will fall into your lap. As a former TV personality once advised: “The key to my accomplishments is to take what was offered at the time and create my own success.” “The only thing to really be afraid of is not trying. Wilting in the presence of fear guarantees misery. That brings the death of dreams, which is, in many ways, the death of the individual,” says author Sean Patrick in Awakening Your Inner Genius.

5. Let Go of Excuses:

Excuses can hold you back from attaining the greater prize since you are confined to your comfort zone. Those who achieve big, dream big. They fail often and are not afraid to try again because they have overcome their fear of failure. Don’t compromise your dreams by keeping them at arm’s length because you’re afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Playing it safe does not produce the results you deserve. Larry Weidel writes in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success: “The three killers of dreams are detail-itis, excuse-itis, and the hesitation virus. And they all stem from doubt.”

6. Discover a Burning Desire:

You must have an indisputable desire to achieve your dreams, otherwise you wouldn’t set out on the quest. Establish deep roots for your dreams to grow and nurture them daily. Create a compelling WHY? fuelled with purpose and intention. Insist on the best outcomes and you will be greeted with the success you deserve. Opportunities will present themselves in mysterious ways when you align with purpose. “The biggest obstacle between you and work you love is a lack of courage — the courage required to step away from “other people’s definition of success” and to follow your dream,” writes Cal Newport in So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love.

7. Focus on the Journey:

The most over-delivered advice nowadays is to enjoy the journey instead of focussing on the prize. Ask anyone who has achieved a level of success and they’ll tell you of the uncertain times etched in their minds. Life may never be the same once you achieve success. There’s no turning back, so savour the people you meet, the struggles, the laughter, the mental and emotional anguish. Most importantly, enjoy yourself and don’t lose sight of why you pursued the dream. Bernard Roth reminds us to consider the adventure in its entirety instead of setting out blindly: “When thinking about how to achieve your dream, don’t simply charge ahead. Pause and think about what the problem really is. Go to a higher level and consider what else might be at the heart of the problem.”

8. Embrace Failure:

Fail often, fail fast and LEARN from your failures. If you’re not failing often, you’re not taking enough risk towards your dreams. It’s imperative to long-term success to reframe failure by seeing it as a guidepost, not a dead end. It is simply a form of feedback as to what needs improvement, not a STOP sign.

9. Sacrifices are Inevitable:

It was Oprah Winfrey who once said: “You can have it all, just not all at once.” You needn’t work around the clock and deprive yourself of sleep to succeed, as Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington knows too well. Though, you should be willing to give up certain aspects of your life to yield long-term results. However, avoid sacrificing family life since this is a decision many people regret in retrospect. “So, to those who say, ‘I wish I were more motivated’ we reply: ‘Do not hope for motivation; choose an ambition to become motivated for. Fix on a dream and believe that it will see daylight and soon a great swell of enthusiasm will enliven you’,” asserts Brendon Burchard.

10. Be Willing to Compromise:

Consider making changes along the way towards your dreams instead of following a calculated plan. Sometimes life may present you with unexpected detours; take them. Have faith, the detours will help you to gain essential skills for your dream to thrive. Steve Jobs credits taking a calligraphy class at college, which later helped him to create the fonts for the initial design of Apple computers.

There are no mistakes in a purposeful universe conspiring in your favour.

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This Is How To Discipline Your Mind For Greater Success In Life

Listen to an audio recording of the article narrated by the author:

Nurture Your Mind

“You might be poor, your shoes might be broken, but your mind is a palace.” — Frank McCourt, Angela’s Ashes

Most people’s problems result from their thoughts about a situation outside of their control.

Allow me to unpack this in more detail.

Reflect on an area of life causing you frustration. What if you were to hand it to an outsider and ask them to assess it from their perspective?

Would they feel the same about it?

You might think not, because they are less invested in it than you are.

Therein lies the problem.

Your attachment to unpleasant circumstances blinds you to seeing it from another viewpoint.

Your attachment to unpleasant circumstances blinds you to seeing it from another viewpoint.
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What if there’s a better way of taking ownership of your thoughts?

“The mind is everything. What you think, you become,” Buddha wrote two millennia ago. Your self is nothing more than what you believe it to be. You must remove all the internal and external definitions of self that limit your progress in life,” writes author Jay Samit in: Disrupt Yourself.

Since you cannot see your thoughts until they manifest into reality, you may question whether you contributed to your problem.

The mind is a powerful ally or foe. I liken it to the tale of the Two Wolves Within and The One You Feed. You can feed the good wolf or the bad wolf. Either way, the mind should be tamed with the right stimuli if you want to experience greater success.

It was the late American motivational speaker Zig Ziglar who said: “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.”

Nurture your mind with empowering thoughts if you want it to become a powerful asset.

Author Jay Samit believes we often hold ourselves back from the success we deserve: “The unfortunate reality is that what holds most people back is actually their own belief that they are not good enough or deserving enough to be successful.”

Unconscious Thoughts

“The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.” — Plutarch

It’s no secret that everything out there in your world begins at the level of the mind, as thoughts.

The Hermetic aphorism states: “As within, so without.” What you hold in mind will become your reality whether you like it or not. This is empowering because it allows you to become architects of your life, not mere spectators of your destiny.

If you are unconscious to your thoughts or carrying unresolved childhood traumas, they are likely to manifest somewhere in your future.

The father of psychoanalysis Carl Jung said: “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

The greatest minds in history knew that success results from mental discipline and knowing one’s self at a deeper level.

It was the Indian spiritual teacher of non-duality Nisargadatta Maharaj who said: “There is nothing to practice. To know yourself, be yourself. To be yourself, stop imagining yourself to be this or that. Just be. Let your true nature emerge. Don’t disturb your mind with seeking.”

Many people don’t know what they want until it shows up in their life, at which point it’s not as they imagined it. Similarly, their reality is built around unconscious thoughts because they are unaware they exist.

They are not clear on their ambitions or dreams but are pulled along by life, hoping they will end up where they need to be. This is the person who proclaims: “There’s a reason for everything,” but has no clue what the reason is.

“By taking just five minutes each morning to visualize success, you train your brain to accept that you are capable of handling success. By visualizing each step of your journey, you are actually getting your mind prepared to handle the opportunity,” avows Jay Samit once more.

For example, most people want to be in a healthy relationship and have a list of qualities their ideal partner should have. They might attract their romantic interest after a while since they have given it their attention and energy.

However, once the partner enters their life – if the individual has not reconciled their unconscious thoughts from the past – it is likely to cause problems in the relationship since the other person will mirror their insecurities.

Develop a Greater Sense of Self

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it.” — Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul

The self-aware person draws to himself circumstances consistent with their highest self, instead of satisfying their egos’ needs.

To discipline your mind, develop a greater sense of self by focusing on your self-development. You’ve heard it said, success is the by-product of the person you become.

The self-aware person spends years developing their strengths while controlling their weaknesses.

The late American minister and author Norman Vincent Peale wrote: “Formulate and stamp indelibly on your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold this picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture… do not build up obstacles in your imagination.”

In her acclaimed book Mindsight, Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck identifies a person as having either a fixed mindset or a growth mindset.

A person with a fixed mindset believes intelligence is static. They are absorbed in their problems instead of seeing them as an opportunity to be overcome.

In contrast, the person with a growth mindset considers intelligence can be developed through nurturing and discipline.

“This growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way—in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments—everyone can change and grow through application and experience,” affirms Carol Dweck in Mindset: How You Can Fulfil Your Potential.

Positive thinking does not improve your situation because it is merely a smoke screen for what is simmering below the surface.

The key to greater success is to integrate the fractured aspects of your character into the wholeness of your being.

To discipline the mind, focus on what you wish to see in your world. Hold an unrelenting commitment to make that your reality.

To discipline the mind, focus on what you wish to see in your world. Hold an unrelenting commitment…
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You will be pushed to your limits at times and your inner resolve will be tested. However, your investment in your personal growth will be of great service during these times.

“Goal Laser, the Brainpower Tool that helps you take aim at what you want out of life without allowing the static of distractions and stressors to interfere. It gives you the patience to delay gratification, often for years, without getting sidetracked along the way,” state authors Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske in The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success.

Success in life results from forging the mind just as a blacksmith tempers hot steel, fabricating it into a finished product.

It was the eminent theoretical physicist Albert Einstein who proclaimed a century ago: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

After all, if you wish to attain greater success, you must develop a new mind. A new paradigm in which to perceive the world around you, instead of being at the mercy of your unconscious mind.

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Why Losing Your Way Could Be the Best Thing to Happen to You

“Losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But, losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.” — H. G. Wells

The Pain of Losing Direction

“What is it you seek?” asked the Master of a scholar who came to him for guidance.

“Life,” was the reply.

Said the Master, “If you are to live, words must die.”

When asked later what he meant, he said:

“You are lost and forlorn because you dwell in a world of words. You feed on words you are satisfied with, when what you need is substance. A menu will not satisfy your hunger. A formula will not quench your thirst.”

The tale by Anthony de Mello invites you to measure life by significant moments, instead of through thoughts and words.

Knowing life is short, seize opportunities as they arise instead of focusing on circumstances for which you care little.

Events conspire in your favour, despite your worries and frustrations. They are there to help you experience yourself in a greater capacity.

Events conspire in your favour, despite your worries and frustrations. They are there to help you…
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Sometimes, your way of life may be upturned as you wrestle with a change in conditions.

“Everything in your life – especially your challenges – is tailor-made to help you see your stories of struggle. Whatever is in the way, is the way!” avows author Mary O’Malley in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life.

Have you experienced the pain of losing direction?

Recall how you felt. Connect with that moment.

Now cast your mind back to the present. Note the insignificance of the experience from this vantage point. Hindsight is a wonderful teacher, in so far as it gives you clarity of mind to see the past in a new light.

Losing your way is attributed to losing sight of one’s core purpose, a sensation accompanied by emptiness and confusion.

I experienced this feeling when I changed career over a decade ago. Being vulnerable made it difficult to make sense of what was taking place. I tried to fight my way out of this gloomy state, to no avail.

However difficult life may be, in One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way, author Robert Maurer reminds us the solution is often found in the scariest of places: “When life gets scary and difficult, we tend to look for solutions in places where it is easy or at least familiar to do so, and not in the dark, uncomfortable places where real solutions might lie.”

Directed by a Greater Intelligence

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” – Lewis Carroll

Let me set your mind at ease — you cannot lose your way in a purposeful universe conspiring in your favour. Although it may not appear that way, contained within uncertainty lies the opportunity to reconnect with your intuitive compass.

You are likely to lose your way since man is not equipped with an inner navigation system, routing his passage through life.

Whilst we’re endowed with intuitive guidance by way of emotions based on a person’s awareness, they are less inclined to heed the messages. This is because they are busy attending to the torrents of emotions that being lost invokes.

“You just have to let things be and not do anything about them. That is probably the greatest discipline in the world because our whole thing is about making it happen. The point is to be present and trust the process,” write authors Charlene Belitz and Meg Lundstrom in The Power of Flow: Practical Ways to Transform Your Life with Meaningful Coincidence.

What if being lost turned out to be your greatest gift?

If you’ve used a GPS device before and have taken the wrong turn, you’ll know that as long as you enter the right coordinates, the unit will find its way to your destination, no matter which road you take.

Life functions in the same respect. You are connected to a greater intelligence through intuition and emotional guidance. Whilst you may veer off course, you can never stray far because your connection to this intelligence is far greater.

If you’re feeling lost, reconnect with your purposeful self to get back on track. It may require you to get quiet to listen to the stillness within that knows your next move.

If you’re feeling lost, reconnect with your purposeful self to get back on track. It may require you…
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To concede defeat may be your best move and not detrimental as you might think. In surrendering, you are made aware of a new direction you hadn’t considered before.

Trust you will reach your destination before long.

I invite you to retreat into these moments of silence often. When the mind is absorbed in excessive thought, it is difficult to find your way given the cloud of distorted thinking.

Remain still until a stirring within you summons you to take action. You will know when to take the next step, not unlike knowing when you’re hungry and must eat. It is the same intelligence guiding you.

A television may pause momentarily while buffering data to stream your favourite show. However, it is still a TV despite the brief disruption to its viewing. So it is of your life’s journey.

Strength of Character

“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” — Rumi

Life is a recurring tale of surprises. Sometimes you may feel lost while other times your path is well laid out. There is a greater purpose to everything which is known further down the road.

“You cannot, I repeat CANNOT dwell in any blame game in your life. Even blaming yourself is completely useless,” states Gary John Bishop in Unfu*K Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and into Your Life.

Despite popular opinion espousing seeking happiness is key, doing so when you are lost is akin to expecting the sun to shine through a raging storm. Advance through the storm and assuredly, the sun will find its way through an unblemished sky.

Share your pain with others to support you and help you find your way back. What may appear as being stuck holds your greatest gift, yet seldom it appears that way.

In Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist, Santiago the young shepherd boy traverses the globe in search of his personal legend, to find it was present at home all along. Had he not embarked upon the journey, he would have missed the wisdom and insights gained along the way.

A confident outlook is paramount, since failure has a way of sharpening the saw of a person’s character. That which you sense when you are at your lowest point flames your inner spirit and invokes true grit and strength of mind.

Author Brené Brown writes in Rising Strong: “The truth is that falling hurts. The dare is to keep being brave and feel your way back up.”

Knowing your time is limited invites you to stop reaching for answers that don’t exist. Man spends a lifetime cultivating his way on earth and will naturally veer off track, only to find his way back again.

Nothing good results from fearing for the worst. For the breadth of one’s life is to be measured by memorable moments, not by losing direction.

Contained within each uncertainty lies the opportunity to step into your own power and know your true worth. Don’t allow it to be obscured by opposing what tomorrow will bring.

For it is not thoughts nor words that man craves, but the core of his actions that invokes the promise of a hopeful future.

The post Why Losing Your Way Could Be the Best Thing to Happen to You appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

How To Embrace An Attitude Of ‘Hell Yeah’ With Everything You Do

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“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” — Howard Thurman

How To Navigate Life

Given the many distractions that compete for our attention these days, it’s not surprising people don’t devote more time to what truly inspires them.

We have a habit of tuning out anything that is not urgent.

There was a time when a person was only contactable via a phone landline, with no answering machine.

Nowadays, I can reach you through email, text messaging, instant messaging, social media, and dare I say, call you on your mobile device. Yet, this has not improved our lives other than make us more available.

Being more available equates to having less time to focus on your priorities.

As a consequence, we say ‘yes’ to things that don’t inspire us, but provide a sense of satisfaction of having undertaken the task.

What I’m proposing is that you adopt a hell yeah attitude towards tasks instead of, it will do for now.

The idea was first discussed by the American entrepreneur Derek Sivers. He outlined how he prefers to engage in pursuits he is passionate about, instead of those he’s obligated to do.

“As we become more mature and enlightened adults, we come to realize that if an opportunity is presented to us and it does not gain a near 100-percent enthusiasm and commitment from us, then the reply must be a 100-percent no,” affirms motivational author Brendon Burchard in his book The Motivation Manifesto.

What if you were to adopt a similar approach?

You may avoid doing so because saying ‘no’ to good enough projects, goals or relationships suffices to keep you motivated for the time being.

It’s an idea I refer to as being Parked in my book The Power To Navigate Life: Your Journey To Freedom.

My contention is that we are Navigating Life, pursuing that which resonates with our deepest self or we’re stagnant, not making real progress – hence a Parked state.

The idea came from a book on relationships, where the author suggested men have a tendency to stay Parked in intimate relationships, more so than women. They are content to stay in the relationship instead of missing out on intimacy and company.

When you settle, you compromise your self-worth because you accept less than meaningful conditions. The basis is to move from being Parked to an mindset of hell yeah in everything you do.

When you settle, you compromise your self-worth because you accept less than meaningful conditions.
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Consider author Larry Weidel’s perspective in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success: “Winners know that if you don’t figure out what you want, you’ll get whatever life hands you.”

Time Is A Precious Commodity

“You have to be burning with an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right. If you’re not passionate enough from the start, you’ll never stick it out.” — Steve Jobs

When you say ‘no’ to requests that are low priorities, you free up time to say ‘yes’ to areas that serve your highest good.

By embracing a hell yeah attitude, you focus attention on what really matters.

It’s vital to explore your full potential because in those moments you experience deep flow states and awaken your greatest ability.

You may undertake meaningless tasks or commit to relationships that don’t inspire you because you’re fearful more opportunities will not show up later. So, you take what is available now, hoping it will occupy your time until something better comes along.

It’s what you devote your time and attention to, that matters.

Time is a precious commodity which many people squander. Guard it with your life and choose opportunities that inspire you, rather than just being task-orientated.

“Position your daily actions so time is working for instead of against you. Because time will either promote you or expose you,” writes author Jeff Olson in The Slight Edge: Secret to a Successful Life.

Don’t think you can get everything done because it’s impossible. You are likely to wash over the activities without fully committing to the task.

The question arises, how will you know whether to undertake a project or say ‘no’?

It’s as simple as this: if you don’t feel a spark of enthusiasm, it’s unlikely you’ll see it through to completion.

It is my experience, if something is difficult at the start and I’m lacking motivation, the idea will not succeed because I’m not bringing my whole self to it.

If you cannot say hell yeah, it’s best say ‘no’.

You should say ‘yes’ to tasks that excite you, that you are passionate about and to which you’re…
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I assure you, adopting this frame of mind will yield success and you needn’t buy into the fear more opportunities won’t become available. In fact, more quality prospects will emerge since you are careful what you give your attention to.

You should say ‘yes’ to tasks that excite you, that you are passionate about and to which you’re likely to bring your best work.

Manage Your Time

“A person can succeed at almost anything for which they have unlimited enthusiasm.” — Charles M. Schwab

“Pareto points us in a very clear direction: the majority of what you want will come from the minority of what you do. Extraordinary results are disproportionately created by fewer actions than most realize,” affirm authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan in The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results.

There is little room for negotiation and no grey area when you pursue a hell yeah way of life. You commit to the task or relationship or not at all, in which case you walk away.

Similarly, it pays to know which areas you are saying hell yeah to. It may pose a challenge to apply this approach to every facet of life because of competing interests.

For example, your partner may want to visit his/her favourite restaurant and you don’t feel the same way. In this scenario, diplomacy prevails to maintain a healthy relationship.

Embracing a hell yeah outlook will change your approach to life, in so far as developing a laser-like focus while managing your time. You concentrate your attention on high value areas that lead to happiness and fulfilment, with a better chance of success.

Authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan remind us once again to choose what you give your attention to: “To achieve an extraordinary result you must choose what matters most and give it all the time it demands. This requires getting extremely out of balance in relation to all other work issues…”

Given the many events that compete for your attention, it’s important to be discerning with your time.

You become inspired by your goals and projects, instead of expecting a situation will improve as you go along — it seldom does.

Larry Weidel reminds us to maintain our enthusiasm or risk it burning out: “When it comes to most of our ideas, our enthusiasm has a shelf life. We won’t be inspired to go for it forever. If you can’t decide what you’re going to do with your energy and drive, it will peter out. Doubt will grow and overwhelm you.”

Commit to life with passion and fervour, otherwise you will be pulled along by secondary tasks that are less desirable.

Life is too short and valuable to be pursuing goals that are not consistent with your greater self.

The post How To Embrace An Attitude Of ‘Hell Yeah’ With Everything You Do appeared first on Tony Fahkry.

This Is How To Let Go Of Being Attached To Situations In Life

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“Desire nothing, and you’re content with everything. Pursue things, and you’re thwarted at every turn.” — Ryokan 

“I have no idea of what tomorrow will bring, so I wish to prepare for it.”

“You fear tomorrow — not realizing that yesterday is just as dangerous.”

The delightful short tale by Anthony de Mello underscores the fact that our attachments to the past can be equally harmful.

We must release our hold of yesterday’s concerns and bring our awareness to the present moment, if we desire to seek contentment.

It’s a given that most people want to experience happiness and joy. There are many ways to achieve it and while some attain it, others don’t. However, it is no less a central desire to seek fulfillment in our everyday life.

We want happiness to fill the cup when pain overflows.  Yet the irony is we experience more pain and suffering than joy allows.

We want happiness to fill the cup when pain overflows. Yet the irony is we experience more pain and…
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We attach our desires to people and situations, holding on tighter than we should. We stress about matters that impose upon our happiness and become discouraged.

Things don’t always go as planned. People let us down. The road ahead gets bumpy.

Buddhist author Lama Surya Das writes in The Big Questions: How to Find Your Own Answers to Life’s Essential Mysteries: “As Mark Twain said, ‘It’s not what we don’t know that gets us in trouble, but what we are sure we know’. We attach to one or more particular ways of seeing ourselves that, neither accurate nor helpful, entrap us in mind-forged forged manacles, self-limiting beliefs, and unfulfilling, misdirected behavior patterns and desires. We fall into living as we are not and lose who and what we actually are.”

The Art of Detachment

“He who would be serene and pure needs but one thing, detachment.” — Meister Eckhart

Detachment means to disassociate yourself from intended outcomes. It requires letting go of fixed ideas how life should be.

If you commit yourself to getting what you want, you set yourself up for pain.

For example, if you base your day on your partner’s mood or getting the next promotion at work, you allow outward conditions to dictate your feelings. You are trying to control your world instead of trusting the process of life.

“Normally we think we see reality, but what we see is our own subjective perceptions, filtered through all of our associations and desires, as well as through language and conditioning,” states author Ezra Bayda in The Authentic Life: Zen Wisdom for Living Free from Complacency and Fear.

Let Go of Attachments

This requires practice, though it is possible to let go of attachments that no longer serve you.

You might ruminate on the past and hold on to things that don’t matter anymore. What if you were to enjoy the richness of the present moment instead?

Make it a point to let go of anything that’s not for your highest good, especially expectations.

Do you often worry about the future?

Do you base your feelings on whether you are moving forward in life?

Either way, make it a priority to let go of attachments by cherishing the depth of each moment. Move beyond your negative thoughts and allow life to be exactly as it is.

Make it a priority to let go of attachments by cherishing the depth of each moment. Move beyond your…
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Letting go is grounded in the wakefulness of the present moment being perfect as it is. Whilst you expect things to be a certain way, detachment means to let go of these thoughts.

“When we see through our attachments by fully experiencing them, the result is freedom. When we can see and experience life without the filters of our judgments and demands, the result is appreciation and the quiet joy of being. When we see through our fears, the result is love,” states Ezra Bayda.

Let Go of Expectations

Expectations set you up for disappointment. Whilst it’s normal to receive respect and love from others, sometimes people don’t return the respect or love you deserve. Happiness means acknowledging this, so you avoid hanging your hopes on people fulfilling your emotional needs.

If we are attached to life being a particular way, we are assured of being hurt when things do not follow as expected.

The solution, you ask?

Let go.

Consider psychotherapist David Richo’s view in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them: “We cannot take refuge in feeling good, because that cannot be sustained. What is sustained and sustaining is a yes to what is, ‘taking the good with the bad’. This can only happen when we have no attachment to how things should be.” – David Richo.

Let Go of Outcomes

Do you want to work toward your goals and dreams while letting go of outcomes?

Focus on pursuing what is meaningful and give it your undivided attention. People pursue what they consider will make them happy, yet remain miserable now.

To work towards a prosperous future, flow with the currents of life instead of being on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.

Steady is the way.

Author Jan Frazier offers the following wisdom in The Freedom of Being: At Ease with What Is: “When you are free, you no longer experience attachment — to the roles you play, to possessions, to ideas, to the outcome of action, to the people you love. You are free of ferocious desire, of the driving ‘need’ to get (and keep) what you want.”

Fulfillment Comes From Within

“To become free of attachment means to break the link identifying you with your desires. The desires continue: They are part of the dance of nature. But a renunciate no longer thinks that he is his desires.” — Ram Dass 

As much as we want to believe that success and happiness happen ‘out there’ – it simply isn’t true.

Happiness and fulfillment emerge from within.

Ask those who are content what their secret is and many will tell you, they learned to simplify life and let go of attachments.

They loosened their grip and allowed life to serve them. They are grateful for the pleasant and unpleasant moments because both experiences contain the seeds of opportunity for growth.

They are unattached to how life should develop and trust every experience serves their highest good.

Think back to a time you released your attachments to something.

Maybe it was resentment or holding on to a particular point of view. As you let go, you no doubt felt relief and moved on.

That is the significance of letting go. You let go to move forward, instead of dragging the past behind with you.

“When you are unattached, you have inner freedom. You have no investment in a particular outcome, and so you do what is necessary in the moment. You explore every option and are receptive to all new information. You do all that you know to do, and then trust, because you have no attachment to either the result or how the result is produced,” affirms authors Charlene Belitz and Meg Lundstrom in The Power of Flow: Practical Ways to Transform Your Life with Meaningful Coincidence.

So, release your hold on tomorrow. Do not blemish the present moment with your attachments of how it should be.

If you are anxious about a particular matter, simply let it go. Drop it as though I were handing you a hot piece of coal.

Keep letting go until you get to a place of nothingness and have released all attachments and suffering.

Only then will you know true peace and joy in its entirety.

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How to Start Where You Are and Create a Purposeful Life

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“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

Running Away From Reality

Do you ever get the sense you should be further along in life?

You might experience an overwhelming sense you’ll never reach your destination from where you are now.

Allow me to put your mind at ease. You are well placed to follow any path, as long as you set the intention to move forward with resolve.

The tension you experience occurs when you disconnect from your true self. This is compounded by an inner voice that’s never satisfied until it gets what it wants.

I call it the inner critic, inherited from early age that dominates your thought landscape.

Author Michael Neill writes in his book The Space Within: Finding Your Way Back Home: “But unrecognized thought demands our attention and fills our consciousness. And when we get caught up in thought, we lose our way.”

However meaningful you consider your life might be, there’s always another place you long to be. You’re never satisfied because the ego convinces you happiness will be found once you pursue the next undertaking.

Do you feel that way?

That you are unhappy and longing for something more, whether it be a better relationship, improved financial conditions, a better career or more material belongings?

Yet when these things arrive, you are only satisfied temporarily. Soon enough, the excitement vanishes and off you go, looking for the next adventure to keep you captivated.

I liken it to the scurrying white rabbit in the tale Alice in Wonderland who constantly looks at his pocket watch while exclaiming: “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”

That is the sense you get when moving from one destination to another, without taking the time to appreciate your achievements. You’re not inhabiting your life, but running away from the real experience of reality.

This creates a barren existence because you foolishly pursue a plan without appreciating the intentions behind it.

It is as though you are trying to manipulate the future as you imagine it to be. We all know life seldom turns out as planned. There are always detours and obstacles that thwart your well-laid plans.

“Position your daily actions so time is working for instead of against you. Because time will either promote you or expose you,” writes author Jeff Olson in The Slight Edge: Secret to a Successful Life.

You miss out on vital life lessons if you’re moving from one objective to another without integrating what you’ve learnt.

It is years later you lament the wonderful opportunities that passed you by during the best moments of your life.

Your Past Does Not Equate To Your Future

“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated. Thus, everyone’s task is unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it.” — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

To be present to what is unfolding requires perceiving life in the greater scheme of things. If you label every experience as good or bad, you miss out on the fundamental lessons sewn into your journey.

Life is a collection of gifts, conditional to incorporating them into your life.

To start where you are is to appreciate your current circumstances right now.

You needn’t have all the information, nor the financial resources, or the perfect conditions to create a purposeful life. What is required is a commitment to take small strides forward, knowing the path will reveal itself as long as you uphold a purposeful intent.

Master author Robert Greene states in his acclaimed book Mastery: “Feeling motivated and energized, we can overcome almost anything. Feeling bored and restless, our minds shut off and we become increasingly passive.”

Let’s not fool ourselves; your past does not shape your future any more than last week’s weather foreshadows the weather five years from now.

Let’s not fool ourselves; your past does not shape your future any more than last week’s weather…
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Your past has brought you to this point in time, given your level of awareness.

You are reading this because you value your personal growth and this is a sign of progress.

Your life’s journey will undoubtedly include detours, setbacks, challenges and failures.

Welcome to the process of life, my dear friends. Nothing is certain other than the knowledge that you can reach your highest potential.

I’m drawn to this passage by author Victor J Strecher in his book Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything: “Whatever we go through, we can look at purposeful living as a way to give us greater resilience, and possibly even growth.”

Most people play the game of life while backed onto the ropes because they labour under misleading thoughts of how life should be.

This is a recipe for failure because your thoughts about life does not create its reality, but bring misery and discontent.

Soulful Living

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

A purposeful life abounds when you live from the level of the soul.

Stay with me a moment as we go a deeper into this one.

Living from the soul level means moving past the sprawling thoughts of how life should be a certain way. You develop a deeper sense of your spiritual life.

It requires paying attention to your true nature, beyond your beliefs about the world. These are thoughts you gained to help you make sense of your environment, but are no more useful than training wheels on a motorcycle.

You must become acquainted with something more considerable such as: who is the essence of the person you call “I”?

What is the undercurrent that shapes the individual reading this now?

What inspires you and gives a sense of rapture?

Get out of your head and move into the expansive ocean of your heart. Tune in to the quiet stillness…
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These are clues to what your soul values most to live a purposeful life.

“It is the task of the considered life to honour that need and find what really feeds, what really summons growth, as well, and then share that larger expression of soul with others,” as author James Hollis reminds us in What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life.

There is a towering ambition within you bursting to come alive and express itself.

You are a source of potential whose capacity is limitless. Should you contemplate these words for the next 30 days, it will transform your life.

I know, I know, you may not see yourself as I see you. That’s because I see you as a soul, not a person reading the lines on the screen. I see your potential, beyond the thoughts you hold about yourself. If you gazed through the same eyes, you too would get a glimpse of the infinite possibilities available to you.

To start where you are, be mindful of the components of your life. What you have is the perfect foundation for living a prosperous existence.

Get out of your head and move into the expansive ocean of your heart. Tune in to the quiet stillness where hope and clarity reside.

“Purposeful living is a dynamic process that requires energy and willpower,” avows author Victor J. Strecher in Life on Purpose: How Living for What Matters Most Changes Everything.

The energy and willpower he speaks of forms the burst of inspiration needed to move forward. To start where you are, take the first step in faith and trust you will be guided, as long as you continue to move forward.

Momentum carries with it an expansive energy capable of overcoming struggle and misfortune.

Start from where you are now and purposefully commit to moving forward with hope and enthusiasm, knowing life is leading you to where you need to be.

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The Power of ‘No’: How to Reclaim Your Life and Avoid Complicated Living

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“There are only two words that will always lead you to success. Those words are yes and no. Undoubtedly, you’ve mastered saying yes. So start practicing saying no. Your goals depend on it!” — Jack Canfield

Your Time Is Sacred

Thump!

A pile of documents lands on Eva’s desk while she’s busy answering a backlog of emails. Hours ago, she was lamenting to a colleague how the pressure at work is mounting up.

“I can’t keep this up,” she thinks to herself. “Something has to give or I’m out of here.”

“Why do I have more work than I can handle?” she wonders, slipping between daydreaming and the reams of stacked documents that drown out her field of vision.

“Why can’t I say no?”

“Because you want others to like you,” a familiar voice echoes back.

Eva’s predicament is one we identify with because it happens to us often.

The common thread in this narrative is knowing when to say ‘no’ instead of giving in to others’ demands.

A life without complications arises when you say no to distractions.

Many struggle to say no because of an inherent need to be liked. However, this comes at a risk of being taken advantage of.

Many struggle to say no because of an inherent need to be liked. However, this comes at a risk of…
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“The more we say no to demanding people, the more life opens up to pursue our passions and happiness and to serve and spend time with those we love,” writes motivational author Brendon Burchard in The Motivation Manifesto.

It’s easy to say ‘yes,’ but when was the last time you said ‘no’ to a request from a friend or colleague?

We are terrified to come across as rude, so we skirt around the issue and delay our response. Yet, this only makes matters worse.

Do you know people who are comfortable saying no to demands?

Consider how they take command of the situation. Assuredly, they do not allow others to impose upon their time which they treat as sacred.

A place where our time is often disrupted is the work environment, through emails, colleagues and our bosses’ requests.

I often hear people discussing how exhausted they are at the end of a working day, having said yes to many requests. They put their own work on hold to satisfy other people’s needs.

Author Greg McKeown states in his book Essentialism: “Every time we check email, we’re checking somebody else’s agenda.”

In this example, Greg reminds us to be mindful of our time and not to take on more than we can manage.

The Need for Acceptance

In a similar vein, Brendon Burchard urges us to take charge of our time, “We must look to the world’s random pushy people, the countless needy people, the people not on our list of those we want to love, care for, and attend to. It cannot be overstated: We must not fear saying, “No, I cannot help you now.”

Saying no is a war shield to fend off distractions, so you can focus on what is important.

Your time is precious and should be guarded with fierce intensity so others don’t encroach upon your freedom.

You’ve indeed noticed that every time you agree to something against your wishes, you feel bad about it later. You run through a mental dialogue about how you might have dealt with the situation. Yet, it’s too late by then.

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” — Paulo Coelho

I assure you, saying no has a nobler intent than you might think. It conveys your vision or goals and you refuse to be distracted.

It signifies commitment, passion and purpose on your part and mustn’t be misinterpreted as avoidance.

“It’s one thing to be distracted when you’re trying to focus, it’s another entirely to be hijacked before you even get to. The way to protect what you’ve said yes to and stay productive is to say no to anyone or anything that could derail you,” affirm authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan in The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results.

However, beneath your inability to say no lies a strong need for acceptance that dominates your interactions with others.

People will not misinterpret no as selfishness, as long as you communicate your intentions.

You might acknowledge their request, yet convey you have something important to attend to and do not wish to be sidetracked. You may reconsider at a later stage once your work is completed.

The benefit of saying no is to filter out those who infringe upon your time. For want of a better description, I call them gravediggers because they draw the life out of you.

“Master marketer Seth Godin says, “You can say no with respect, you can say no promptly, and you can say no with a lead to someone who might say yes. But just saying yes because you can’t bear the short-term pain of saying no is not going to help you do the work.” “Godin gets it,” declares authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan once more.

Saying No Without Regret

Saying no relieves you of unwanted stress. You don’t have to contend with conflicts where you have undertaken a project or invitation against your wishes.

Saying no relieves you of unwanted stress. You don’t have to contend with conflicts where you have…
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It affords you the time to attend to important life areas. Ultimately, we want to engage in more of these pursuits, instead of being obligated to please others.

In some cultures, I realise, saying no is frowned upon. There is repressed anger amongst people and family members who are obliged to say yes.

Let’s not mix our words — saying no is not disrespectful. You must convey your intentions in an assertive, yet respectful manner to balance harmony and diplomacy.

Remember: whenever you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else. You’re putting others first before your own needs, which can cause stress.

Consider author Larry Weidel’s sentiments in his book Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success, “You must say no to some things in order to focus on others. Make sure you’re saying no to the unproductive things and yes to the most productive things. Spend the majority of your time on the things you most want to do (because they are likely the best use of your time) and get brutally efficient at everything else.”

The key to saying no without regret is to recognise the feelings that arise in your body during your interactions with others. Why?

You become familiar with where your body holds tension and are likely to notice it the next time it arises in your contact with people.

You are being dictated by negative reactions in your body and so you avoid them by saying yes to appease others.

Author Brendon Burchard reminds us in The Motivation Manifesto, “We must take a long, unflinching look at our habit of giving our lives and agendas over to others or to meaningless things. We have to say no more often. We have to focus more. We have to fight harder to safeguard our time and our dreams and our souls.”

In Eva’s case, she taught her work colleagues how to treat her, even if she is unaware of it. She underestimated her self-worth by choosing to be liked in place of preserving her time foremost.

It boils down to knowing your true worth and standing in your own power. As you do, others recognise your genuineness and will treat you accordingly.

By honouring your authenticity, you move from being powerless to being empowered and you’ll take command of your life by adhering to your highest values.

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