Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 33

There’s Light at the End of the Tunnel When You’re Engulfed in Darkness

Nothing Is Permanent

“There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but the way out is through.” — David Allen

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but first we must inhabit the darkness with complete faith knowing respite awaits ahead.

The tunnel represents our life’s journey, filled with darkness. In such moments it’s natural to look for a way out, yet we should trust that a turning point awaits us further down the road.

The darkness can be terrifying when we’re stuck, unable to navigate our way ahead. It signifies the inner struggle where in moments of despair we feel helpless. However, these are inaccurate thoughts that can pull us deeper into this darkened state.

Trapped in a grim shadow of darkness can be unrelenting, given the cycle of suffering offers no respite. Yet, this is an illusion since we lose our place to the upheaval that surrounds us.

However unwelcoming our circumstances, we needn’t suffer alone. To have others accompany us reaffirms our faith in someone to lean on when it matters. This simple act of renewal strengthens our resolve because two souls walking into battle are soldiers in arms.

There’s a passage in the song Let It Be by the Beatles that reaffirms why we must allow circumstances to be as they are: “When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light that shines on me, shine on until tomorrow, let it be.”

The light that shines on us is the contrast of light and dark, merged in the sea of duality. For instance, the cycle of darkness in the evening gives rise to the light at dawn. Within this order, life reassures us nothing is permanent; every experience endures its own rebirth.

We Have Little Control

“Persistent people are able to visualize the idea of light at the end of the tunnel when others can’t see it.” — Seth Godin

We are never stranded, however inhospitable the circumstances. How we internalise what unfolds, shapes our destiny.

When ensnared in darkness we have two choices: draw our attention to the fear or direct our focus towards the light. By doing so we renew our faith and trust that relief will soon follow.

Occasionally, there’s little we can do to change our conditions. At other times, we wrestle with the ruins of despair, knowing the darkness cannot extinguish the light of our eternal being.

“Impermanence is the goodness of reality. Just as the four seasons are in continual flux, winter changing to spring to summer to autumn; just as day becomes night, light becoming dark becoming light again—in the same way, everything is constantly evolving. Impermanence is the essence of everything,” avows the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron.

The darkness cultivates strength of character, just as the light illuminates the murkiness of night.

We may experience frailty in those dark moments, unable to make sense of our situation. Yet through the darkness, we surrender to life – all the while knowing we have little control after all.

It was Winston Churchill who said: “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

We must advance through shadows of darkness if we wish to realise the lessons contained within our experience. To retreat is to lose sight of the personal growth life seeks to instil in us. Otherwise, we will revisit the lessons in a different form until we experience them fully.

Pema Chodron affirms once more: “We always want to get rid of misery rather than see how it works together with joy. The point isn’t to cultivate one thing as opposed to another, but to relate properly to where we are.”

Many succumb to feelings of depression because they lose sight of a way out. During uncertain times, one must take each day as it comes. This practice draws our attention to the present moment since that is all we have.

We gain great wisdom in our darkest hour, knowing our eternal soul cannot be obscured. Therefore, focus on the smallest progress during your moments of despair, instead of looking to a tomorrow which may not arrive as you hope for.

Licking Honey Off A Thorn

“We are all on the same path… Our separation from each other is an illusion of consciousness.” — Albert Einstein

Nothing is certain, apart from this moment.

Instead of surging towards the light, the smallest act forward renews our faith that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.

Contained within these marginal gains lie our yesterdays which give rise to new tomorrows.

Carl Jung said: “As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.”

So, how does one stay composed when ensnared in darkness?

Have faith, nothing lasts forever.

I am drawn to an old Hungarian proverb that reads: “Life is like licking honey — licking honey off a thorn.”

Even time is an illusion when immersed in the menacing darkness of a harsh reality. While in the midst of a tornado, sixty seconds seems like an eternity, and so it is with despair.

Consider what the experience is trying to teach you. If looking down on your life’s journey from above, what adjustments would you make going forward?

When trapped in your circumstances, look for the slightest respite in those untenable moments.

“The paradox is that going further into despair is what grants access to hope, going fully into pain grants access to healing, going fully into the dark opens to the light. An unconditionally embraced predicament becomes a threshold to what comes next,” states author and psychotherapist David Richo.

The darkness invites us to practice self-compassion and nurture equanimity within ourselves. We are called to exercise our noblest truths that lie at the heart of our being.

Equally, to lean on others during times of suffering summons us to trust and the assurance that we needn’t go through hardship alone. There is always someone by our side to help us reclaim our strength.

To find the light at the end of the tunnel, advance through the darkness knowing your compassioned hope for change lies around the corner.

“We are all heat-seeking missiles in search of comfort and pleasure, and we mightily resist any discomfort,” affirms author Mary O’Malley in: What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life.

I invite you not to frown upon your misery, yet embrace it as a doorway to inner transformation.

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Slow Progress Towards Your Goals Is Never A Reason To Give Up

The Pressure To Succeed

“Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow… even if that someone is yourself!”—Plato

Does it occasionally feel you’re making great progress towards your goals while other times it appears that nothing is happening?

Don’t be discouraged by what you cannot see, because plans can come together at the drop of a hat.

Goal attainment is not linear because there are processes taking place behind the scenes beyond your awareness. To your way of thinking, it may seem nothing is happening, or that your goals are progressing slowly. This is only your perception because you are invested in the outcome.

Progress is not dependant on a linear pattern. We believe this model of progress and place expectations on how our goals will be accomplished. Moreover, we are disappointed when it doesn’t eventuate as planned.

Author Darren Hardy writes in The Compound Effect: Jumpstart Your Income, Your Life, Your Success: “If you are not making the progress that you would like to make and are capable of making, it is simply because your goals are not clearly defined.”

There’s an image often shared on social media depicting what success entails. Called The Iceberg Illusion, it highlights the unseen factors we’re unaware of that lead to success.

It’s easy to judge those who achieve overnight success or gain a lucky break. Truth is, had they not toiled away at their goal for years they would not have been in the right place to attract success. Had they given up or changed their goal, the opportunity may not have been presented to them.

It was John Lennon who wrote in the 1980’s song Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy): “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.” The person who hustles most strikes upon success because they are busy labouring away at their pursuit.

Nowadays, there is pressure from society to succeed. To be the next multimillionaire start-up founder, the next music prodigy or sporting hero. We need these people in our lives because they remind us success is attainable if we’re lucky enough.

However, what is not known to most is that the individual has been striving away at their respective sport or creative endeavour for years, if not decades. Success comes to those who hustle for it, not those who believe they are deserving because of talent or privilege.

Daily Action Grooves Mental Performance

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.”—Proverb

Slow progress does not equal failure. It is progress, however slow it may be because you are moving toward your goals and desires. Let go of the belief that you are too old or not talented enough. I could list a host of people who were too old and not talented enough and yet still succeeded.

“Success is not something you pursue. What you pursue will elude you; it can be like trying to chase butterflies. Success is something you attract by the person you become,” says Darren Hardy.

It could be that your goal requires a longer incubation period. You might need to develop key proficiencies in certain areas before your goal is reached. Otherwise, success will be short lived. You only get one good go at it, so it’s best not to rush the process.

Bide your time and develop your key abilities so when the time is right, you will reach your goal and sustain the success.

You may have heard the story of the Chinese Bamboo Tree?

The tree shows no sign of growth for four years. Once it is planted, it requires constant nurturing, fertilizer and watering, yet nothing happens within the first year. The process of nurturing and watering takes place in the following years and still there’s no sign of growth.

But then something magical happens in the fifth year. Within five weeks the bamboo grows between 25—27 metres (82—88 feet). The tree lies dormant for four years and its biggest growth occurs in the final period of its life.

“It’s not the big things that add up in the end; it’s the hundreds, thousands, or millions of little things that separate the ordinary from the extraordinary,” explains Darren Hardy.

To relate another similar example, I have been performing pull ups every day for the past decade without fail. Unless I’m travelling or sick, I’ll complete 20—40 pull ups throughout the day. It’s a habit I picked up long ago to make up for being unable to do three pull ups at one point. So I created a competition with myself to increase my repetitions daily. From that point, the obsessive habit has become a ritual I’ve stuck with for as long as I can remember.

Here’s where it gets interesting. If I do the least amount of 20 pull ups per day, in one week I will have completed 140 pull ups. That equates to 600 per month and a staggering 7,300 pulls up per year.

Let me be clear, I am not muscular nor stronger than most people. I weigh 78 kg (171 lbs) and stand at 180cm. The point worth emphasising is that an action performed consistently accumulates momentum over the long run.

Why do I do it you ask?

Accomplishment.

When nothing is going right or I’m having a bad day, knowing I’ve completed my pull ups provides a sense of progress. It relates to the mental battle that plays out in my mind and has little to do with the exercise itself. I could replace pulls up with the number of words I write or practicing guitar chords. It is the habit and daily action that grooves the mental performance to achieve your goals that matters in the long run.

Retired United States Navy admiral William H. McRaven affirms in Make Your Bed: Small Things That Can Change Your Life… And Maybe The World: “Remember… start each day with a task completed.”

Don’t Be Defined By Your Circumstances

“No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.”—Tony Robbins

Slow progress leads to mental resiliency and personal growth. We must have our wits about us when we play the long game. It is no longer a sprint battle but a game of endurance and sustainability. It is said, we must be stubborn about pursuing our goals, yet flexible in our approach. Slow progress allows you to develop the right mindset to achieve your goals.

I recall listening to an interview with the Australian 2011 Tour de France winner Cadel Evans who was runner up in 2007 and 2008. He said, winning the 2011 title was the culmination of 20 years of dedicated work resulting in near misses. Persistence pays off no matter how long the race is.

Angela Duckworth says in Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance “As any coach or athlete will tell you, consistency of effort over the long run is everything.”

Stamina, grit, resiliency, mental strength and perseverance are the hallmarks of a champion mind. These are the qualities of successful leaders because they push past their pain. They reframe the concept of losing and failure and turn it into success and triumph. They develop a powerful strength of character and are not defined by their circumstances since their WHY? is greater than their failure or losses.

William H. McRaven reminds us once more: “True leaders must learn from their failures, use the lessons to motivate themselves, and not be afraid to try again or make the next tough decision.”

I leave you with a thought to contemplate.

Don’t be discouraged by the time it takes to achieve your goals or dreams. Don’t dwell on your circumstances as signs of progress since looks can deceive as evident with the Chinese Bamboo Tree story.

Harness your personal growth and inner resources to achieve your goals by consistently chipping away at it.

Because when the time is right, success will greet you, not because you are deserving of it or have earned it, but because you have pursued it long enough to know it is your right to claim.

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How To Take Back Your Power When You Feel Defeated By Life

The Perils Of Life

“If you want light to come into your life, you need to stand where it is shining.” — Guy Finley

Life either happens to you or for you, there are no two ways about it.

You are in for the ride of your life or feel as though you missed the bus.

Some people spend their entire lives chasing the bus but never catch it. They don’t realise that if they stop chasing, another one will arrive sooner rather than later to take them to the same destination — perhaps an even better one than they imagined.

Yet, they ruminate on what they missed out instead of what they could have gained.

It’s no surprise life can defeat us. Welcome to the school of life or as some call it, the school of hard knocks.

In recent times, I developed an interest in reading about the Navy Seals screening process, which some claim has an attrition rate of 75% – 80%.

To put that into perspective, one in four men will qualify for the BUD/S (Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL) training. There are no two ways about it, the qualifying process is brutal, traumatic and exhausting.

The recruitment program eliminates those incapable of enduring similar conditions in battle. It is not for the faint-hearted, yet those who miss out will try to qualify again in the following years. Some make it, others don’t.

I enjoy reading about Seal training because if there’s one thing I’ve learned: it doesn’t matter whether you’re big or strong, physically fit, or a former athlete, the training decides if you qualify, not your physical prowess.

Seal training serves as a metaphor for life where normal people endure hardship through misfortunes, setbacks and disasters. None are immune to it, even those considered successful or famous are subject to the perils of life. Some bounce back quicker than others and there are those who never recover.

Retired United States Navy admiral William H. McRaven writes in Make Your Bed: Small Things That Can Change Your Life… And Maybe The World: “Life is a struggle and the potential for failure is ever present, but those who live in fear of failure, or hardship, or embarrassment will never achieve their potential. Without pushing your limits, without occasionally sliding down the rope headfirst, without daring greatly, you will never know what is truly possible in your life.”

Pain And Suffering Is Not Who You Are

“When life knocks you down, try to land on your back because if you can look up, you can get up.” — Eric Thomas

We all suffer defeat at the hands of life. She is a brutal teacher whose aim is not personal but predictable. She is always on time and ready to deliver a dose of personal growth when you least expect it.

My first real of dose of defeat occurred at the end of year 11 (sophomore in the US) when I failed to graduate and was asked to repeat the year. To say it was humiliating and embarrassing is an understatement, particularly having to explain it to my conservative parents who paid good money to send me to a private school.

To compound matters, my year 11 counsellor advised my parents to drop out and take up a trade as a carpenter or plumber. Suffice to say they were unimpressed, primarily my mother who was a former teacher and came from a family of academics.

The good news is, I survived repeating year 11 and went onto study at university. However, my second defeat happened during my first year of university when I was again asked to repeat the year due to my low grades.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through these experiences: you are not defined by your defeats but how many times you recover from the fall.

To my way of thinking, I took longer than others to graduate, however I did so with High Distinction and received praise from my lecturers, owing to my graduating final works. Had I hung my hat on being unworthy or not good enough, I would have taken the advice of my year 11 counsellor and fabricated wood instead of words.

There have been many more encounters like this throughout my life, many of which I wrote about it in my first book, The Power To Navigate Life: Your Journey To Freedom. One of which was being diagnosed with a life threatening illness and the second, losing my father to type II diabetes.

Life has taught me many compelling lessons that helped me to cultivate a humility and reverence for life.

To assume power in defeat means reclaiming your authority over your pain and suffering. It shows you are bigger than your defeats and greater than your suffering.

“It is important to understand that you turn your pain into suffering when you resist it,” states Mary O’Malley in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life.

Pain and suffering is not who you are. It is something you experience and have the power to overcome. Like the Navy Seal recruits who endure torturous obstacles and sleepless nights, their true test of character is revealed upon completion of their training and selection.

My humility for life extends to the lessons I learned. However, there are times I felt like a wounded soul carried in a life raft out in sea, blown around by howling conditions, to arrive in safe and calm waters.

I realised my problems were not bigger than me, but the size of the problem determined the level of growth. Bigger challenges means greater personal growth to prepare you for something bigger.

Develop A Strong Back And A Soft Front

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.” — Steve Maraboli

There is no secret, no magic formula to take back your power because it was never taken away from you.

To take back your power, lean in to your problems. Allow them to lead you where you need to go. Experience them fully knowing the person who emerges from battle is wiser, stronger in mind and spirit and with a softer heart.

There’s a Buddhist saying, a strong back and soft front which has many meanings. The one I value most is, we must cultivate strength in mind and body when life knocks us down and learn to rise again.

A soft front means yielding to the forces of life and softening our hearts, so we are compassionate with ourselves and others. We are all exposed to the same forces, some more challenging than others.

“It is your heart that knows how to be open to it all. When you are caught in the clouds of struggle, you are experiencing your life only through your mind, which clings and resists. When you thin your clouds of struggle enough, you experience your life through your heart, and that is the key to remembering that the meadow is always here,” writes Mary O’Malley

A strong back means when you encounter a challenge, remind yourself of your inner strength by quietly reaffirming to yourself: “Strong back.” This signifies an erect posture, firm and unbreakable knowing whatever unfortunate event you come across, you are prepared for it because you have a flexible back that can withstand life’s events.

Flexibility of spine signifies flexibility of mind. An open mind is open to new ways to overcome problems. It was Albert Einstein who said: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” We must venture beyond our psychological comfort zone if we wish to rise above our problems.

While the eyes experience the world, it is your mind that interprets what is sees. Your eyes are merely windows that capture light, yet it is the mind that processes what it receives into thought. If your mind is stained with negativity and discouragement, your eyes will never know optimism and faith not matter how clear it is.

A soft front calls for an open and compassion heart. Many walk through life with a soft back and a hard front. That is, a weak spine and a closed, brittle heart. Yet our hearts are a soft contractible muscle that not intended to be closed but open to life, to love and new experiences. If the heart shuts down, it impedes the flow of life and we become brittle inside instead of yielding.

“At other times, the true obstacle isn’t the obstacle in front of us but the obstacle inside of us. Perhaps it’s our inflexibility, our arrogance, or our fear, but when victory over external barriers is contingent upon victory over internal ones, the greatest benefit a situation has to offer us is wisdom,” explains Dr. Alex Lickerman in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self.

Know that your true power lies within you, waiting to be awakened – not outside of you. It is not contained within another person but in your core self. You take back your power when you recognise it has been there all along.

So talk to your heart—develop a two conversation with it. Question what it wants out of life.

Ask what makes it come alive and how you can rely on it for your true power. Only then will you have surmounted life challenges by yielding to your authentic power.

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When You Are Consumed By Anger And Chaos, You Have Lost Your Way

Don’t Stow Away The Anger

“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”— Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Anger and chaos cannot live in a peaceful mind because they oppose one another.

We believe anger is a toxic emotion because of the destruction it brings to people’s lives. To the emotionally intelligent however, anger is just an emotion which does not dominate their mental landscape.

I used anger and chaos together in the title since they can leave you feeling lost in your thoughts and emotions.

Linda Graham MFT explains in Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being: “Our response to feelings of anger, for example, can be positive or negative. We can learn to channel anger into effective action for a good cause, or we can shoot ourselves in the foot when our anger habitually causes us to act abusively toward other people.”

If we understand the mechanism behind anger, we can deal with it better so it doesn’t flood our bodies with toxic chemicals. The problem is, many people stow their anger because it is considered to be an unhealthy emotion. Therefore, anger is likely to be expressed at an inopportune time if repressed.

Have you noticed how anger makes itself known when you least expect it? You could be in your car driving and suddenly you are cut off in traffic. Soon enough you are trading blows with another motorist over something insignificant such as failing to indicate when changing lanes.

Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener write in The Upside of Your Dark Side: “When you’re angry, pausing, deep breaths, and moments of reflection more effectively exercise power and control than rapid-fire responses. If you feel less angry when you slow down, that’s great, but that’s not the goal. This is about giving yourself a wider range of options to choose from in an emotionally charged situation.”

Repressed Anger Is Stored In The Body

“Anger is like a flame blazing up and consuming our self-control, making us think, say, and do things that we will probably regret later.”— Thich Nhat Hanh

My client Susan experienced anger recently while driving to work. An inconsiderate motorist cut her off in traffic and being socially conscious, she beeped her horn to advise him of her presence, so as to avoid an accident. The motorist took offence and gestured to her with a hand signal that was not the international sign of peace.

This took place early morning while she was driving to work. By the time I saw her later that morning she was still ruminating on what transpired, only now the anger had manifested as lower back pain due to the stored emotion.

Emotions are energy in motion and if not expressed, they become stored in the body via organs, cells, muscles and tissues. If the emotion is ignored or stowed away, its presence is known via pain or illness to get your attention.

The late Candace Pert, an American neuroscientist and pharmacologist who discovered the opiate receptor, the cellular binding site for endorphins in the brain, wrote an article titled: Where Do You Store Your Emotions? She outlines how emotions get lodged in the mind body until they are integrated.

She states: “The emotional memory is stored in many places in the body, not just or even primarily, in the brain… The real true emotions that need to be expressed are in the body, trying to move up and be expressed and thereby integrated, made whole, and healed.”

Her work into opiate receptors showed how emotions like anger can lead to disease if we are not mindful of them. With Susan, she repressed her anger towards the motorist because he mistook her car horn as a sign of aggression.

She ruminated on the incident, recalling the anger, so it expressed itself in her lower back, a weak spot for her given a car accident decades ago.

After our discussion, I mentioned something that helped her to reframe the experience. I pointed out how she has a way of being righteous, especially as someone who is socially conscious. She let the motorist know he was in the wrong and felt victimized when he gestured to her inappropriately.

I asked her to reconsider the situation, since other motorists can sometimes misjudge our intentions because we cannot communicate with them vocally.

I then asked her to close her eyes and visualise the emotion of anger. Where was it stored in her body? What did it look like? I invited her to let it be there, lean into it and take deep breaths while directing her awareness to the area of the pain.

The good news is, the pain cleared in two days following more contemplative work by Susan. The point is, anger like other emotions will find its way to the weakest point in your body. Sadly, for many this means it gets stored away for years, if not decades until the person goes into therapy and experiences spontaneous healing.

In fact, there’s nothing spontaneous about the healing other than the individual has dealt with the emotion after all this time.

Love Is The Only Way

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”— Mark Twain

It was the Canadian singer Leonard Cohen who wrote in the song Anthem: “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”

The purpose of anger is to draw your awareness to the light, or in this case the love within you.

In most cases, love and peace of mind is the answer, not anger and chaos.

How can I be sure you ask?

Look to your body since it knows the truth. If you think this is just wishy-washy self-help advice, I urge you to hold onto anger and fear for as long as you can and see if it doesn’t manifest itself as pain or disease.

In contrast, The Healing Power Of Love overcomes fear, anger, anxiety and other lower emotional states. Love is a healing agent, but first you must release the anger because the two cannot co-exist, as alluded to earlier.

When you are consumed by anger and chaos, you have lost your way. However, what if the presence of anger was leading you back to love?

What I’m proposing is, anger is a call for love, in most cases self-love. You are no more an angry person than a tree believes itself to be a bird.

Whilst on the topic, let’s not confuse evil and anger for that is another article saved for a later time.

Anger is an emotional state a person can become stuck in if they do not attend to their pain.

Love is the way. Moreover, love is the only way back to your core self.

So, if you believe the narrative anger preaches, it is because you are consumed by the emotion and have lost your way.

Allow love to open your heart again. Otherwise your authentic self becomes muddied by the mirage of shameless emotions not symbolic of your true self.

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Life Fulfils Your Needs When You Give Out What You Most Want To Get Back

You Can Have What You Want

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” — Charles Dickens

Most people know about karma, which translates to: what you give out, you get back in the same form.

That being said, are you giving attention to what you are projecting in terms of your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions? It is a universal law that you reap what you sow. Moreover, you are a reflection of your predominant thoughts, beliefs, words, and actions.

You are what you think about and you receive according to your predominant thoughts.

How about giving out what you most want to get back?

Do you want more love? Give out an abundance of love.

Do you want more people to care about you? Spend more time showing people you care.

Like attracts like.

Whatever you want in your life, put your focus on that and you will receive more of the same in return because it is a universal principle.

You can have what you want in life. Your desires can come true if they are realistic and you understand the principles involved to get them. The materialisation of your desires is not magic; it is based on universal laws.

Focus

“You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” — Zig Ziglar

First, instead of focusing on what you don’t have or how terrible life is, focus your attention on what you do want.

Do you want more success? Love? Money? Health? Friends?

Write it down, journal it and get clear on what rocks your boat. Spend more time thinking about these things. Then, think about how you can radiate positive vibes given the things on your list. Do you want more money flowing into your life? Maintain a prosperity consciousness and simultaneously, sow into other people’s lives that are in need. 

Do you want more success in your career? Mentor someone looking to climb the ladder to success. Want to meet a loving partner? Be loving towards those you meet.

Entertain thoughts of love and compassion while focusing your attention on your desires. The smallest actions yield the greatest returns. The universe looks to you to deliver on your thoughts, words and actions. But you must get the ball rolling first and then the Uni-verse (translation: One Song) will chime in.

Believe + Receive

“From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life.” — Arthur Ashe

Once you focus your attention on the things you want and are clear on your intentions, believe you will receive your desires. Don’t be too specific on the details, keep it general and allow the universe to bring you better things.

Maintain a state of gratitude and expectancy. Be on the lookout for the manifestation of your desires. Maybe you will get that promotion sooner than expected or an even better career might be waiting for you around the corner. It’s important to first believe, then you will receive.

Remain hopeful, positive and happy as a general rule. Don’t buy into the trap that you will be happy when you receive your desire because it doesn’t work that way. Why would the universe send you good stuff when you are unable to appreciate the goodness in your life right now?

It Is Not All About You

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” — Mother Teresa

It’s wonderful to have desires and receive them, but it is not all about you. Understand that as you give out and sow into others, they receive value as well. When you give $50 to the youth group mission, you are adding value to other people’s lives and you will receive the goodness back because of this. It really is a win-win situation.

Mother Teresa was one of the most selfless women in history and her love and compassion served in many ways. Those she cared for received an incredible blessing and the love and gratitude she received from those she served blessed her socks off.

She gave out what she most wanted to get: unconditional love. She understood spiritual principles and lived a beautiful life of service.

I know, I know this all sounds like wishy-washy: Law of Attraction, New Age mumbo jumbo. But what if we take the LOA label away from it and call it Inspired Living? Would you sign up to this way of life? It doesn’t matter what you call it, because inspired living is a way of life.

What Is It That You Most Want To Get Back In Life?

“I slept and I dreamed that life is all joy. I woke and I saw that life is all service. I served and I saw that service is joy.”— Kahlil Gibran

Think about this for a few minutes and write down what comes to mind. Then think about how you can give out the exact things you want and do it. Change the way you think about your desires and believe you can have what you want.

Send out positive thoughts and like a boomerang watch the positive things come back to you. It’s not about positive thinking alone rather positive energy; emotional energy. I’m certain there was a point in your life when you were optimistic, whether it was as a child, teenager or young adult. Draw on that energy and invite it back into your life.

Many people think this stuff doesn’t work because it is not grounded in science. Moreover, when they read or hear of stories related to people living an inspired life, they chalk it up to chance or luck.

Nothing I say will change your mind until you do. My hope is not to convince you of something new, but to offer you something you haven’t tried before. I’m proposing a new way of life because for whatever reason you decided to click on this article, whether the title caught your attention or someone shared it with you.

Take the chance and go with it. Call it an experiment.

You don’t even need to commit to this way of life until you see results. Try it on for size and see if what you give out comes back to you in a better way than you could ever have imagined.

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What If Every Problem You Experienced Was An Opportunity To Step Into Your Greatness?

Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

“The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” – Albert Einstein

Your problems exist because you haven’t yet experienced the growth to overcome them.

Personal growth is about widening your comfort zone, so you develop resiliency and growth to overcome them.

It requires being exposed to what you’ve never done before. This can be terrifying at first but if you reframe your thoughts, you are likely to change how you approach the problem.

“What most people call a ‘problem’ is simply a gap, an open space between point A and point B. And if you keep an open mind, it’s an open space you can bridge,” writes author Jeff Olson in The Slight Edge.

I recall coaching a client, Joe, who played soccer and experienced problems relating to his rehabilitation. After repeated physical setbacks lasting twelve months, he was despondent with his recovery during soccer training. His setbacks arose because he had an expectation of fully recovering after twelve months.

Through regular coaching, I invited Joe to set aside his frustration and accept that when he pushed his physical limitations, difficulties would arise.

I asked him to consider the hurdles with curiosity instead of being a potential problem. A curious mind helps to improve learning and memory. It is an open mind or as Professor of Psychology Carol Dweck calls it, having a Growth mindset.

In his earlier rehabilitation by himself, Joe was dejected about not having fully recovered. In our coaching sessions, I asked him to consider his frustration as a sign of pushing past his comfort zone where he is likely to experience discomfort. In effect, I was urging him to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Author Jeff Olson explains how problems exist in magnitude to which they can be overcome: “Most people, when confronted by problems larger than or of a different sort than they’re already handling, immediately feel defeated or thrown off course. Most tend to see larger or different problems as negatives and infect their own lives with negativity. What they don’t realize is this philosophy: The size of the problem determines the size of the person.”

Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone

“Every problem is a gift – without problems we would not grow.” – Anthony Robbins

You won’t know how strong you are until you are tested, because under normal circumstances you are not likely to challenge yourself until it matters.

When life is pleasant why would you want to step out of your comfort zone?

You will remain comfortable until motivation calls you to take action. You might experience inner turmoil because you are not accustomed to the discomfort that accompanies it.

Consider motivational author Brendon Burchard’s view in his latest book High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way: “No one who achieved greatness avoided struggle. They met it, engaged with it. They knew that it was necessary, because they knew that real challenge and hardship pushed them, extended their capabilities, made them rise.”

He says: “They learned to honour the struggle. They developed a mindset that anticipated the struggle, welcomed the struggle, leveraged the struggle into reasons to give more.”

The Navy Seals are accustomed to stepping out of their comfort zone because their job requires them to work in danger zones. If they are comfortable, it is unlikely they will engage the enemy when it matters.

Closer to home, most of us need not get out of our comfort zone too often. So when problems emerge, we do not have the coping skills to deal with it.

You might have read books that promote stepping out of your comfort zone daily, yet how many people follow the advice?

Greatness is something to which you have access, yet it must be engaged for it to be known.

Jeff Olson reinforces this idea by stating it’s a decision made within the moment: “Everywhere, in every moment, you get to exercise choices that will determine whether or not you will become a great person, living a great life. Greatness is not something predetermined, predestined or carved into your fate by forces beyond your control. Greatness is always in the moment of the decision.”

To further illustrate this view, a few months ago I was out shopping for groceries and heard a cry for help from a young girl. As a first aid responder I ran over to find her colleague having an epileptic seizure on the floor.

My first reaction was to stay calm and assess the situation, otherwise I am of no use to the injured person. What took place in the moments that followed was an example of people coming together to reveal their greatness.

Passers-by who were out shopping stopped to offer aid. Some calling the ambulance, others on the phone to her mother and creating a makeshift environment to keep her comfortable so as not to get hurt during the seizure.

After the ambulance arrived and took her to hospital, I walked away feeling confident knowing that when it matters people bring their best selves to the moment. This reinforces Jeff Olson’s point that greatness shows up in the moment of the decision to act.

Larry Weidel writes in Serial Winner: 5 Actions to Create Your Cycle of Success: “Fundamentals can be taught, but greatness must be caught.”

Let Go Of What You Can’t Control

“Sometimes problems don’t require a solution to solve them; instead they require maturity to outgrow them.” – Steve Maraboli

It is difficult to step out of your comfort zone and the reason why you must do it often.

Greatness resides within you and can be summoned when needed. The adage use it or lose it highlights the need to engage your greatest self to reinforce your motivation muscle. You can overcome any problem, while feeling confident you are in control.

This involves rising above your initial struggle and having an effective strategy to confront it.

Have you noticed in the hours or days after the problem, it seems smaller in scale? This is because you are less emotionally invested. The key is to bring this same composure when you next experience a problem.

You want to control what is in your power and let go of what you cannot control. It is no use beating yourself up over something you have little control over.

Larry Weidel says: “Problems can crush you or provoke you. It’s a battle and the outcome depends on your response. If you give in, you lose. If you fight back, you can break through and keep moving forward. That’s the only way to stay in control of your life.”

Drawing on my earlier example of my client Joe, it is beyond his power to control the rate at which his body heals. However, he can do the right things such as manage his rehabilitation, nutrition, rest, sleep and hope it is enough to completely recover.

This way, he works within the limits of his healing instead of trying to push things faster than required, otherwise further damage will occur.

For example, it is foolish of him to think he can run 2—4 weeks following an ACL tear. His frustration and anger does little to speed up the healing process, only delay it.

When you next face a problem you consider too big, ask yourself the question in the title of the article: What if every problem I experienced was an opportunity to step into my greatness?

How would I move forward?

What can I do differently?

How will I act?

Who do I need to become to overcome the problem?

Mindvalley founder Vishen Lakhiani writes in The Code of the Extraordinary Mind: 10 Unconventional Laws to Redefine Your Life and Succeed On Your Own Terms about the advice shared by Michael Bernard Beckwith, the American New Thought minister: “Behind every problem, there’s a question trying to ask itself. Behind every question, there’s an answer trying to reveal itself. Behind every answer, there’s an action trying to take place. And behind every action, there’s a way of life trying to be born.”

After all, you must experience your problems with openness and an expanded awareness, instead of using a distorted lens which only keeps you stuck longer than need be.

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This Is Why You Just Have To Do It, No Matter What The Conditions Are

Nothing is Permanent

“We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.” — Frank Tibolt

If you’re reading this, chances are you are someone with goals worth striving for.

Success requires setting goals and creating an action plan that propels you towards them. But when you are on your path to success and feel stagnant or stuck in the same spot — what do you do then?

How do you navigate your way forward when nothing seems to go to plan?

There’s an old song which echoes the lyrics: I Never Promised You A Rose Garden. When I hear it, I’m reminded of the sentiments in the song line that we are not promised optimal conditions throughout our lives. There is no Santa Claus handing out our desires on a silver platter. 

Life will never be as we hope for and we must come to terms with that. Things that we don’t plan for happen unexpectedly. Things don’t go as planned, and it’s important to know that despite this, we will be OK. Life is a wonderful journey despite the setbacks, failures, trials and temptations.

Author Mary O’Malley explains in What’s in the Way Is the Way: A Practical Guide for Waking Up to Life: “Everything in your life — especially your challenges — is tailor-made to help you see your stories of struggle. Whatever is in the way is the way!”

Nothing is permanent expect your thoughts about a situation. All things have a used by date. Even your struggles and pain have a finite life, unless you give them more energy than they deserve.

I recall speaking with a respected child physician when my nephew was hospitalised for pneumonia. He observed that children have amazing healing abilities because they don’t add meaning and context to their illness, like adults. While they feel lousy one moment, they bounce back just as quick, since they don’t ruminate on their illness which slows the healing process.

We should take a leaf out of their book and step back from the chaos of our lives, so we can also recover quickly from our setbacks.

Growth Requires Perseverance

“Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold — but so does a hard-boiled egg.”—Author Unknown

I enjoy the statement: “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.” Learning to dance in the rain should be our objective because if happiness and inner peace is what we want, it is still possible despite outward circumstances.

In the statement, the rain symbolises trials, setbacks and frustrations. Therefore, don’t focus on what you cannot control, but lean towards joy instead. It is about persevering through unfortunate circumstances and choosing to enjoy the present moment.

“Serenity comes not only from accepting what we cannot change but from giving up trying to be in control,” states psychotherapist David Richo in: The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

Life is what you make of it.

I’m not announcing something new, but reminding you there are two ways of looking at your circumstance, yet we focus attention on what is wrong instead of what could be right.

It is about optimal growth.

Don’t Lose Heart

“The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.” – Theodore Roosevelt

Life is full of twists and turns, some of them contain unexpected situations where you struggle with: frustration, sadness, and hopelessness. Don’t be discouraged when they show up but learn to weather the storm.

Things will not go as you expect, keep moving forward, anyway.

“If you rise from a fall once, you become that much more confident you can rise again,” reminds author Sam Weinman in Win at Losing: How Our Biggest Setbacks Can Lead to Our Greatest Gains.

There will always be something not right where you are in your life. If you focus on what is right or what you’ve accomplished, your attitude will be better. You will be grateful and content no matter what surrounds you or how long it takes to reach your goal. You will be happy instead of disheartened.

Don’t lose heart.

Take Inspired Action

“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?” – Vincent van Gogh

Goals are inspiring. Every person should create short term and long term goals to work towards. Besides, it is important to create an inspired action plan that will help you attain those goals.

By inspired I mean pursuing a cause that means something to you. Take inspired action towards your goals so you create momentum and move towards them. As you take the smallest step forward, your energy propels you in that direction, and the momentum carries you over the bumps in the road.

Founder of Mindvalley Vishen Lakhiani writes in The Code of the Extraordinary Mind: 10 Unconventional Laws to Redefine Your Life and Succeed On Your Own Terms: “Have big goals — but don’t tie your happiness to your goals. You must be happy before you attain them.”

As you go to work, universal intelligence brings forth your desires and dreams. No matter the circumstances, inspired action should be taken so you are progressing. The right conditions to thrive and prosper reside in your thoughts, not in outward circumstances. If your attitude is in alignment with your goals, you’re well on your way to accomplishing them.

Just Do It

“Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later.”— Og Mandino

Is it taking longer for you to accomplish your goals? Just keep taking the next step.

Are you frustrated with obstacles and setbacks? 

Trust the process and the journey that is unfolding. It is leading you somewhere but not where you imagine. You won’t know until you get there, so for now release your worries, judgement and frustration and settle in for the ride. Enjoy where you are, on the way to where you are going. Take heart, knowing you will accomplish your goals in due time.

Think of a garden. It’s important to have good soil to produce fruit, but the soil need not be perfect to bring forth a harvest.

The same goes for you.

Your life doesn’t have to be perfect or problem free to reach your goals, or enjoy happiness now. Authors Todd Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener remind us of this truth in The Upside of Your Dark Side: “Unfortunately, avoiding problems also means avoiding finding the solutions to those problems.”

Focus on what is good and what is going right and continue to take inspired action towards your goals.

Afterall, just do it no matter what the conditions and you will achieve something meaningful owing to your commitment and perseverance.

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If You Want To Be Happy, Accept Life As It Is And Let Go Of What You Cannot Control

Stay In Your Lane

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.”— Carl Jung

It’s a given, we want to control the irrepressible parts of our life, believing we will attain happiness then.

I liken the thought to catching fireflies at night, certain you have caught them all. It is only later you realise there are more around and so you concede defeat.

I wish to emphasise one important key principle in this article. The rest is details:

Happiness = Accepting what is and letting go of what you cannot control.

It sounds simple right?

Then why aren’t we happy?

Because what looks easy is often difficult to apply in real life. We want happiness to fill a void in our lives, but we don’t want the struggle and difficulties that go with it. Yet the pain and struggle serve as a reminder to stop influencing circumstances beyond our control.

I often remind others to stay in your lane. Meaning, you have no business poking around in matters outside your control because life is bigger than you and will impose itself upon you each time. It has many millennia of experience and a toolbox of tricks, compared to your humble few decades of life.

“If you believe the outer circumstance is yoked inevitably to your story about it, then you will surely be at the mercy of whatever is going on in your life,” explains author Jan Frazier in The Freedom of Being: At Ease with What Is.

I’ve researched countless books on happiness over the past decade, including attending seminars by respected psychologists and concede that happiness is much simpler than we think. Whilst I do not discount their tireless work and research, I am of the opinion happiness is accessible once our thoughts are in harmony.

It is our thinking that gets in the way of achieving happiness, not having a bank account full of money, fancy cars or luxury homes. Whilst these are good things to have, they wear off after a while and are meaningless if you cannot find peace and contentment within.

The Meaning You Give Your Experiences

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”—Joseph Campbell

Man is responsible for his problems because he creates them through his thoughts. Nothing outside you has meaning save for the meaning you give it. Your brain assigns meaning to life’s events to make sense of what takes place.

Tony Robbins says: “Meaning equals emotion and emotion equals life. The meaning you give your experiences will always change how you feel — and the emotion you feel always becomes the quality of your life.”

Yet the meaning you give can be inaccurate if viewed through a distorted lens. For example, if you’ve been cheated on in a relationship, the meaning you ascribe to future relationships will be based on a lack of trust. This is neither right nor wrong, but one aspect of the picture.

Robbins says: “Are your patterns helping or harming you? It’s vital to remember that our perceptions are creative in nature — if we define something as negative, that’s the message our brain receives and responds to by creating an emotional state to reinforce that reality.”

This is an ideal point to reinforce the main point of this article. Your happiness lies in reframing events to accept what is and let go of what you cannot control.

Psychotherapist David Richo writes in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them: “We can learn to accept life on its own terms. We can even find its terms satisfactory. We do not have to shake our fist at heaven. We do not have to demand an exemption or take refuge in a belief system that muffles the wallop of the givens by promising a paradise without them. We can craft a sane and authentic life by saying yes to life just as it is. Indeed, our path is “what is.”

Referring to our earlier example where your trust was squandered through infidelity, the lesson gained is that you are likely to choose a trustworthy partner in your next relationship, given its relationship to your happiness. Contrast helps to shed light on what you value most and will be important to you.

To further emphasise the point, you accepted your previous partner’s transgression, noting you may have played a role in co-creating an unbalanced union. Note, I am not implying you consented to the unfaithfulness, however as a complying party you are still responsible for the events that took place.

Therefore, your lesson is to accept the dissolution of the relationship and release all judgement, anger and hate by healing and forgiving yourself and your former partner.

Learn From The Experience

“Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and remove yourself from the unacceptable.”—Denis Waitley

To continue harbouring anger and resentment ties you to the other person and does little to help you heal. In fact, you are likely to bring the toxic emotions into the next relationship, repeating the damage of the past and labelling future relationships as toxic.

Robbins reaffirms the need to reframe how we interpret life’s events: “Reframing is the difference between being constantly disappointed and being consistently satisfied.”

Amid the backdrop of acceptance is the invitation to let go of what you cannot control.

In this example, you cannot control other people’s actions.

You cannot control whether they will return your love.

You cannot control if they will be faithful to you.

However, you can control your response to what happens.

You can control the meaning you give to the event.

You can control the lessons gained from the experience and carry them into the next relationship.

You can control whether you remain a victim or an ambassador for inner peace and harmony. These are powerful lessons, yet we ruminate on what went wrong in the past rather than how to carry the lessons forward.

George Bernard Shaw wrote: “We are made wise not by the recollection of our past, but by the responsibility for our future.”

I’m not saying it is easy and it may take years to achieve. It is a more worthwhile path than being a victim to your circumstances.

Dr Alex Lickerman says in The Undefeated Mind: On the Science of Constructing an Indestructible Self: “Approaching painful internal experiences with an attitude of acceptance, in contrast — accepting that sometimes we’re weak — paradoxically may be the key to our becoming strong.”

It is a given whilst we cannot control the circumstances of life, we can control how we respond to what happens to us.

This is a measure of our commitment to accept life as it is and let go of what we cannot control.

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Why Your True Strength Of Character Is Revealed Behind Closed Doors When No One Is Looking

Uphold Moral Values

“Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.” — Stephen Covey

Head coach John Wooden once proclaimed: “Be more concerned with your character than you reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

Character is engraved within and follows you throughout life. It encompasses your reputable qualities and is the bedrock of your existence.

But character can be eroded if you do not adhere to your highest values when it matters. This is because it takes time to build and encompasses the choices you make.

Habits build character.

Your actions correspond to the sum of your character and are formed behind closed doors, revealing yourself to the world.

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: “Sow an act, reap a habit; Sow a habit, reap a character; Sow a character, reap a destiny.”

Still, you must align your values with your highest good and the good of others, through altruistic actions rather than self-serving interests.

To uphold your moral values is not enough, abiding by those values so your actions are congruent is of greater importance.

For example, objecting to gossip while showing resentment to others in the workplace does little to uphold good character.

Those with strength of character know the difference between right and wrong. They draw a line in the sand and do what is right because it reinforces their commitment to personal excellence.

However, we are all human and make mistakes. The person of strong character acknowledges their mistakes and seeks to reconcile them by showing remorse.

You must build a strong foundation upon which your character is formed.

As Emerson once put it: “What you are shouts so loudly in my ears I cannot hear what you say.” He recognised the power of actions to be more significant that words alone.

Excellence Helps Form Character

“You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The person with a strong character is willing to upgrade their knowledge to become a better version of themselves.

They are not perfectionists but are mindful of the wholeness of their being. They do not amplify their weaknesses, but see them as something to improve upon.

Think of character as spinning plates on a stick, whereby each plate represents an aspect to which you must pay attention. If you give too much consideration to some plates at the expense of others, they are likely to break. Therefore, to keep the plates in motion can be viewed as upholding good character since it cannot be re-established once it is broken.

True strength of character is reinforced by continuous self-improvement. You must widen your circle of development to encompass greater attributes, indicative of the person you wish to become.

It was the late American motivational speaker Jim Rohn who said: “Work harder on yourself than you do your job.” He knew of the importance of self-improvement, not only for the success it brings, but the person of character you become.

Self-improvement is developed through a Growth Mindset instead of a Fixed Mindset, according to Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, author of the international bestseller Mindset.

The Growth Mindset individual appreciates character is a transformative process that changes over the course of your life, so it coincides with your greater self.

In a similar vein, motivational author and speaker Brendon Burchard emphasises the need for constant improvement in High Performance Habits: How Extraordinary People Become That Way: “Confidence comes from being truthful with yourself and others. You have to avoid the little lies that can easily tear at the fabric of your character. If you lie about the small things, you will cause a catastrophe when faced with the big things.”

Developing strength of character is vital to pursuing excellence and is not tied to success alone, but connected to constant improvement.

I wrote an article titled: The Road to Excellence Is a Journey of Self-Discovery in which I discuss how pursuing excellence helps to form character. That which you value and give importance to, will be appreciated.

True character develops when it is expressed to others, yet it must be apparent within the individual for it to be known.

“Our virtuous actions demonstrate our basic goodness. They are the building blocks of self-respect, character, and integrity. Virtues are inborn gifts for some of us, but all of us can become virtuous by practice,” writes psychotherapist David Richo in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them.

The individual must be willing to discard their previous knowledge in light of new information. With more insight comes more freedom, leading to personal power.

Therefore, character is an ongoing commitment to uphold your highest values.

True Character Is Formed Behind Closed

“Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”— John Wooden

Character requires maintaining integrity, where you act in accordance with your highest values and treat people alike irrespective of their race, religion, education, gender or political affiliations.

Integrity is the cornerstone of character. A crack in one’s character is attributed to being inconsistent with their actions.

French author André Gide wrote: “Be faithful to that which exists within yourself.” 

Those with strength of character are honest and trustworthy for they stand by their word as the pillar of their existence.

The honest individual is not swayed by self-interest or political agendas, financial betterment or that which jeopardises their moral compass. Their word promotes their true character and so they guard it with dignity.

The Greek tragic playwright Sophocles said: “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.” 

Strength of character is evident in those who possess self-control and emotional intelligence. They are in alignment with their core values and stand by their commitment not to weaken their principles.

Self-control is related to acting in a way that does not jeopardise one’s character or moral values. Building character is a lifelong practice, so a momentary lapse of judgement can destroy it, where it took years to build.

James Hollis writes in What Matters Most: Living a More Considered Life of upholding self-control yet recognising our moments of weakness: “Though character can be formed, and modified, we all have inherent tendencies. The truism that sports builds character is of course a lie; rather, as sportswriter Heywood Hale Broun suggested, “it reveals character.” None of us would admit to having “bad character,” although we have all done bad things.”

Finally, to build strength of character you must be self-sacrificing in the context of the greater good of others or a greater cause.

For true character is shaped behind closed doors, since you cannot tell a great deal about a man until he is tested. Yet, in solitude he forms the bedrock of his character and shapes it like a blacksmith forming steel.

Basketball coach John Wooden recognised character to be more important than reputation because it is closely aligned with what you think of yourself.

For it was the late Dr. Wayne Dyer who once said: “What other people think of me is none of my business.” It is the opinion of yourself that is of importance and the foundation of your strength of character.

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7 Ways To Truly Love Who You Really Are

“Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.” – Steve Maraboli

It’s important for your personal evolution that you learn to love yourself. If you do not love yourself, it is hard to expect others to love you. Agreed, whilst humans may have many faults and shortcomings, learning to embrace all your faults is central to your position of accepting yourself as you are.

Loving yourself should become your highest priority if you wish to create a remarkable future. I don’t mean loving yourself in a self-centered, egotistical way. To love yourself means to embrace your uniqueness and the gifts that show up in your daily life.

Low self-esteem puts the brake on your personal growth by restricting your concept of self. You may never reach your full potential if you entertain recurring thoughts of low self-esteem.

Consider the following thoughts as a guide for reconnecting with your purposeful self and developing a stronger relationship with that self

1. Know Yourself

If your desire is for personal growth, it is vital that you come to understand yourself, and know what makes you bloom. You may be aware of a number of flaws, yet embracing them and moving forward becomes your source of courage.

Nobody is perfect — you may spend your entire life trying to fill an empty shoe that does not exist if you follow this line of thinking. Yes, even his Holiness the Dalai Lama is subject to the conditions of human frailty.

Stand before a mirror and simply admire your reflection — do you like what you see?

Some people are loath to stand before a mirror and appreciate their body. I’ve written in earlier articles of the flawed cowhide used as leather. What is considered flawed and damaged is in fact a highly desired quality for some. Whilst you may not consider yourself as important as other people, in your life story you are the hero in your own life’s journey.

2. Stop Criticising Yourself

Do you belittle yourself over small things? Whenever you make a small mistake, are you aware of the small voice inside your head reminding you of your imperfections?

Criticising yourself will get you nowhere really fast. People who practice self-compassion have been shown to be more successful and have a healthier outlook. It is vital that you begin to associate with your positive traits instead of focusing on the negative ones.

Be aware that you are not reliving a childhood phase of your life by reconnecting with a critical parent. Let go of your need to judge yourself and move towards a state of empathy.

3. Embrace Your Positive Nature

When you entertain positive thoughts, you become kinder towards yourself and your self-love and self-esteem increases. Kindness towards others becomes an expression of your self-love.

You can only give out what you hold in your heart. Therefore, if you believe you are undeserving of attention and kindness, you will likely withhold sharing these virtues with others.

Every person is born positive, it’s simply their environment which shapes the person into a bitter individual. Even at this stage, you still have a choice to embrace your positive nature. Nothing is carved in stone unless you give it power and permission.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”– Rumi

4. Acknowledge Your Success

You might not have succeeded according to your terms and definition, yet the definition of success is arbitrary.

What does success look like to you? There are many people who never make any effort to step out of their comfort zone and yet insist that success pave a path to their front door.

If you made a direct effort toward pursuing something you desired, but were unable to succeed due to any number of reasons, do not let that impair your definition of success.

Failure is part of the process toward reaching your goals. In fact those who succeed in life will have you know that they failed miserably on many occasions prior to reaching success. Your success is determined by how you bounce back from your failures and lessons acquired along the way. Making an effort is a big thing. It is not always about winning, sometimes it’s the effort that counts.

5. Release Your Worries

Worrying is a futile emotion that can be better spent by taking appropriate action. Worrying uses up vital emotional energy which instead can be channelled into developing emotional resiliency and fortitude.

The more you entertain worrying thoughts, the more you establish a place in your mind that becomes habituated to the worrying thoughts. There is a term used in neuropsychology known as the Hebbian theory, which states, nerves that fire together, wire together.

To entertain worrying thoughts, you establish stronger neural connections in the brain for the worrying to exist. Set your worries aside since they may be holding you back from prospering at greater levels.

Surely you want to taste success and transform your worries into empowering emotional energies, which can serve your greatest potential.

6. Forgive Yourself

We all make mistakes at some point in our life — some people make more than others, yet that does not qualify you or them to think less of oneself. Holding on to your mistakes by thinking negatively about yourself inhibits vital neural pathways in the brain from learning.

Your brain is engineered for growth and learning within the context of a fun environment. We are all subject to making mistakes — no one is immune to it.

Learn to forgive yourself by practicing detachment of the outcomes. Trust that whatever happened in the past was done so with the level of awareness that was apparent to you at the time.

In other words, you were doing the best you could given the resources available to you at the time — thus forgiveness opens the door to moving forward. Appreciate the lessons gained from your experience by seeing it as an opportunity to gain the emotional resiliency to fight other battles in life, of which many will surely be presented to you.

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise L. Hay

7. Learn To Be Grateful

There’s a good chance if you’re reading this on a smartphone or physical book, you have every reason to be grateful. If you have access to a computer you are privileged enough to have electricity, which means you live an industrialised country with suitable resources.

Almost three billion people on the planet right now are living below the poverty line and it is expected that this figure will rise over the coming years. At the time of writing, the world’s population is 7.6 billion people.

Less than half of the world’s population gets by on less than $2.50 a day. Without turning this into a sermon on why you should be grateful, it is worth appreciating how much we have to be grateful for when we consider those numbers.

Gratitude entails being thankful for what you have right NOW. It does not mean being grateful in the future when you acquire something of value or have someone in your life who will compliment you and become the source of your happiness.

It means recognising what you have in your life at this moment is a result of the thoughts, beliefs and energy you created to allow you to be who you are. You create your reality through the sum of your thoughts, habits and actions over time.

Being grateful does not mean comparing oneself to others who are less fortunate; for we are all navigating our own journey in life.

People often ask me “How can I be grateful when people are homeless and dying in third world countries?” My reply is simply this; it is your obligation to be grateful NOT for what is happening in the world, but what is happening in YOUR world.

Consider for a moment if every person in the world raised their personal vibration and thought energy to one of gratitude? The collective consciousness of humanity would expand, thus ending poverty, homelessness and other diseases and illnesses.

Whilst I present a Utopian society in my example, it is nonetheless conceivable that we can make slow strides toward this possibility if we all play our part in the evolution of humanity through gratitude.

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