Tony Fahkry's Blog, page 29

Why People Always Treat You According To The Way You Unconsciously Treat Yourself

 Find Peace Within Yourself

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”—Wayne Dyer

Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever foster in your life.

I don’t mean to underscore other relationships, yet it all starts and ends with you.

Everyone wants to be liked and accepted. It is human nature to fit in and integrate.

If you act unconsciously without being mindful of your intentions, you are carrying out unconscious commands.

If you haven’t reconciled these thoughts, they are likely to dictate your life. If you set a software program to run at a particular time of day, it will continue to do so until you override the function.

You are the user of your thoughts.

If you are not receiving the love and respect you deserve, I encourage you to look inwards and heal those thoughts not in alignment with the relationships you want to attract.

Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len is a Hawaiian psychologist who used an ancient Hawaiian method called Ho’oponopono, based on reconciliation and forgiveness to heal an entire ward of criminally insane patients.

He did this without meeting them or being in the same room as them, but by repeating the mantra: “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.”

That is, he healed himself first. The premise is that when he reconciled and forgave parts of himself, the entire ward of patients healed.

Whilst I acknowledge this might sound farfetched, I’ve read many books, articles and watched countless footage of this practice and seen how powerful it is.

The point I wish to emphasise is, when you find peace within yourself, outside circumstances will reflect that.

Have you met people consumed by their victimhood and believe their relationship problems stem from being treated badly?

One needs only tune in to reality TV and within minutes you’ll overhear conversations of people being undermined.

Place A Value On Your Self-Worth

“The way you see people is the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is what they become.”—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

To draw a simple analogy. Consider a sharp stone lodged in your shoe while you walk around consumed by the pain. No matter who you meet, whether or not they are pleasant, your focus is drawn to the pain, not your interactions with them.

By removing the stone, you realise how it was blemishing your interactions with people. The pain affected your relationship with them because it made it difficult to be fully present and engaged.

This is what many people do.

They are unaware of carrying unresolved emotional baggage and use it as a shield to defend themselves. Yet, the shield does little to protect them but discolour their interaction with others.

Author Matt Kahn explains in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins With You that we must develop self-honesty before we can become aware of how we want others to treat us: “Before you can be honest in the presence of another, it is essential to learn how to be honest with yourself. This requires a courageous depth of integrity to become aware of how you want others to treat you, so that you can be that way for others whether or not they’re able to do so in return for you.”

I often repeat this message in seminars and when coaching clients. I don’t take credit for it and believe it was the late Dr. Wayne Dyer who first coined the phrase. I only remind people of its power: “You constantly coach people how to treat you.”

It means: if you allow others to treat you unfairly, it signifies on an unconscious level that you feel unworthy.

Whilst you realise it is unacceptable, you feel vindictive because you didn’t stand up for yourself. You might blame the other person for treating you wrongly and they may have done so.

However, a person with a strong self-worth recognises the behaviour as unjust and respectfully disallows it.

Being assertive does not involve being mean spirited, it means valuing your self-worth and upholding this as a reminder to others.

The key is to recognise deceitful behaviour and not allow others to treat you dishonestly. This happens when you maintain a healthy relationship with yourself by placing value on your self-worth.

Matt Kahn says treating others with respect because of their inability to treat you well has more to do with the relationship they have with themselves: “In the heart of surrender, treating people far better than they treat you becomes an acceptable way to live, especially because their inability to treat you well has nothing to do with you, but reflects the kind of relationship they have with themselves.”

What You Become Is Reflected In Your Destiny

“You set the standards for how you will be treated. People will treat you the exact way you treat yourself. So be good to you. Take time for yourself. Rest. Play. Shower yourself with affection, support, and gifts.”—Iyanla Vanzant

Nowadays, I appreciate the congruence of a person’s word and their actions. I assess people by their deeds and will give them the benefit of the doubt on more than one occasion.

However, if they undermine my faith, I’m likely to walk away from the relationship, irrespective of whether I aim to profit from it, financially or otherwise.

I hold no hostile relationships with people because I make it my intention to treat others as I would treat myself. And because I treat myself in high esteem, I foster this behaviour in all my relationships.

You see it comes down to values.

You must be purposeful about what you value in your life. I’m not talking about a career, relationships or life purpose but the values you live by.

“Although all values are considered worthy and important to most people, values vary in how important they are to each person. The more important a value is, the more likely people are to act in ways that allow them to express it and attain the goals underlying it,” write authors Sonia Roccas and Lilach Sagiv in Values and Behavior: Taking a Cross Cultural Perspective.

What code of conduct do you abide by?

Is it: loyalty, trust, respect or moral character?

What you uphold is what you become and what you become is reflected in your destiny. You are continually writing the script of your future via your thoughts and actions, irrespective of your awareness.

If you would like others to treat you better, firstly examine any unresolved conflicts within yourself.

“The catalyst of rejection is life’s way of reminding you how other people are not always created to treat you better than you treat yourself,” affirms Matt Kahn.

Self-enquiry and journaling are powerful methods to help you heal unresolved conflicts, so is working with a trained therapist.

To make peace and transform your unconscious thoughts means to develop a wholesome relationship with yourself. Your interactions and relationships become more relatable instead of hostile.

You are no longer at war with yourself and this is mirrored in your relationships.

Release and renew is a mantra I have emphasised in recent articles.

To change the foundations of your life, let go of the old and tired and create the ideal conditions for the life you wish to merge into.

After all, people treat you according to the way you unconsciously treat yourself.

As leadership expert John C. Maxwell writes in Your Road Map For Success: You Can Get There from Here: “If you want others to treat you more kindly, you must develop better people skills. There is no sure way to make other people in your environment improve.”

It is by making the unconscious conscious that you come to develop healthy relationships that originate from your authentic self.

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7 Ways To Make Your Passions Serve Your Highest Potential

Does It Serve Your Highest Potential?

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.” – Rumi

What ignites your passion?

When do you feel engaged in the present moment?

For many, being absorbed in their favourite hobby, sport or past-time comes to mind. You might recite the countless hours spent in pursuit of your interest and the feelings associated with it.

There is enormous pleasure in pursuing your passion.

Your work or career is not the only area tied to your passion. Many people find sanctuary in their past-times or hobbies which bear no financial incentive other than offering enjoyment and self-fulfilment.

In earlier articles, I outlined the state of flow one achieves when aligned with their passion. Time stands still and you’re overcome with pleasure when absorbed in your pursuit. Such activities offer mental, emotional and physical benefits as well.

In recent times, we’ve seen popular culture espouse turning your passion into profits as a practical success model. However, this may not appeal to all people.

Moreover, it was the late Steve Jobs who imparted graduates with the following wisdom in his commencement speech at Stanford University in 2005: “…and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle.”

Whilst he was alluding to one’s career, we can adapt this to reflect other aspects of our lives where our passions run deep.

Author Charlie Harary explains in Unlocking Greatness: The Unexpected Journey from the Life You Have to the Life You Want that visualising your ideal self releases the passion needed to bring that self to reality: “Being able to identify and visualize your ideal self unleashes the passion you need to make that version of yourself a reality. You need to see it, dig for it and feel it to have a chance of living it.”

So how can you transform your passions so they serve your highest potential?

The following points are ways to embody your passion to correspond with your highest intent.

“Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.” – Wayne Dyer

1. Become What You Love:

Embody what you love by becoming an extension of your passion. People who live what they love can’t wait to get up in the morning to spend another day immersed in their pursuit.

As Steve Jobs reminds us in the earlier quote: “If you haven’t found it yet—don’t settle.” There is nothing more meaningless than pursuing a life that does not resonate with your deepest self. So discover what makes your heart sing with enthusiasm and spend time absorbed in it. Let your spirit come alive and sense the rapture when you are engrossed in that which brings you joy.

2. Find Purpose And Passion In Other Areas:

I mentioned earlier that your passion needn’t be tied to your work. For example, many people have hobbies or interests which do not earn money, yet offer personal satisfaction. It takes persistence and focus to turn your passion into profits.

Those who achieve this crossover will remind you it often comes at a price: long hours, stress, health risks, family problems, etc. This should not dissuade you from pursuing this path, instead realise what is involved. Passion needn’t be tied to generating an income and this is where many people fall short.

Charlie Harary says: “You can direct your life not only where you want it to go, but where you need it to go: toward meaning and purpose, toward transcendence, toward your ideal self.”

I know many budding entrepreneurs who started out pursuing their passion and turned it into a lucrative career. However, as the business grew they lost their passion to managerial work and the day-to-day grind of building a company. Their passion became hijacked by their entrepreneurial calling which is not what they set out to pursue.

3. Synchronise With Your Mind And Body:

When pursuing your passion, harmony and balance are preserved within the mind and body. For example, the art of miniature Bonsai tree pruning can bring deep satisfaction and resonance to the individual as they watch their Bonsai take shape.

People who keep tropical fish report feeling the same connection. Cooking is said to have the same therapeutic effect of calming the mind and body. Your passion can be deeply rewarding from a health perspective, so find more time to engage in whatever brings you inner peace, harmony and balance.

4. Slow To The Speed Of Life:

The Schumann resonances has a frequency range of 7.83Hz (7—10 cycles per second) and is common in the EEG readings of humans and many animals. It is known that the dominant brain wave frequency of healers comes close to 7.83 Hz and may beat in phase with the Earth’s signal, causing harmonic resonance.

This is proof we are wired to synchronise with the speed and frequency of life. If you rush about your day trying to get everything done, you create unwanted stress in your life. Slowing to the speed of life means to go with flow and not resist the current of life, because everything unfolds on its own timeline.

5. Overcome Your Fears:

Fear is a draining emotion which discolours your perception of life. It shapes your inner landscape and influences your reality. Therefore, let go of your fears by transforming them into inner peace, faith and trust.

As you let go of fear, you will fall in love with life. You cannot appreciate life when your mind and body are gripped by fear which is a lower state of consciousness. Love reflects a higher state of consciousness (logarithmic level – 500) as represented in the Map Of Consciousness, while fear is depicted as lower emotional energy. (Logarithmic level – 100).

6. Look For The Good In All Situations:

Look for the positive in all situations and not just in a Pollyanna type of way. Yin and Yang are parts of the whole, so what may appear as an untoward condition, contains the seed of something positive. As you widen your vista, you will recognise the good in all circumstances.

It won’t come looking for you holding up a placard, screaming to get your attention. Look for evidence in the smallest details and you will find it. It was the German architect, Ludwig Mies van der Rohe who said: “God is in the details.”

7. Engage In Loving Relationships:

Engage in loving relationships and let go of toxic ones. Remember, we coach others how to treat us. If you are not receiving the respect you deserve, on an unconscious level you may be attracting this relationship to experience personal growth.

Learn from it and dissolve any inner conflicts or limiting beliefs. People’s perception of life may be discoloured by their experience of intimate relationships. They fail to acknowledge that life is a mirror reflecting ones inner landscape: as within, so without states the Hermetic aphorism. As you heal your wounds, life acknowledges your openness to live a life vested in love.

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Find Your WHY: Practical And Powerful Strategies To Improve And Sustain Your Health And Fitness

If you want to improve your health and fitness and discover your motivation to achieve your health goals, this video answers those questions. Based on a seminar I conducted recently.

You will learn why motivation alone doesn’t work and discover the key drivers that influence motivation. The principles are the same ones I use to coach clients and present in corporate health seminars.

If you find it difficult to reach your health and fitness goals, you will learn how to find inspiration to succeed and achieve your goals.

Don’t forget to download your FREE COPY of my comprehensive eBook: NAVIGATE LIFE and embark upon your journey of greatness today!

Let’s connect via:

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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tonyfahkry/

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To Transform Your Life, Become Intentionally Aware Of Your Beliefs And Feelings About Yourself

Renew Your Beliefs

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”—C.G. Jung

If you wish to change your life, you must know your predominant beliefs and feelings about yourself, because you cannot change what you’re unconscious of.

One must take an inventory of their principal beliefs and examine them often, if they wish to create a life replete with meaning and purpose.

Transformation requires letting go of outdated thoughts, beliefs and behaviours not conducive to the life you wish to live.

It requires letting go of what no longer serves your desired future.

Author and creator of Belief Re-patterning: The Amazing Technique for “Flipping the Switch” to Positive Thoughts Suze Casey explains how beliefs are formed: “A belief is a thought that is repeated so frequently and with sufficient emotion attached to it that you accept it as reality.”

Consider the following analogy: If you are moving overseas and intend to take your entire belongings with you, it might not serve you economically. It is easier to leave behind non-essential items that can be purchased once you arrive at your destination.

To relate it to human behaviour, many people are unwilling to let go of their thoughts and beliefs, yet want a better life. They are reluctant to let go of their baggage, whether in the form of thoughts, beliefs or behaviours.

It’s impossible to create a new life when you carry the remnants of the past with you, particularly if it has not served you. This is when an emotional crisis takes place, with the falling away of your former life to give way to a new life.

Many people hold to their beliefs with conviction and are unwilling to examine them. Most times, the beliefs were formed during an impressionable period when they were young or in their teenage years.

Therefore, it’s vital to renew your beliefs to correspond to the life you wish to live.

Your beliefs influence reality because what you hold in mind whether it is conscious or unconscious will be reflected in your life.

Rewrite A New Story

“When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.”—Ralph Ellison

Growing up, I experienced limiting beliefs related to my worthiness, because of an over disciplined father who insisted nothing I did was good enough.

I later formed the belief: “I am not good enough,” since I recall hearing this echoed while growing up.

Since I wasn’t self-aware at that age, I realised later those beliefs were those my father imposed on me. I believed I wasn’t good enough and developed low self-esteem while trying to appease him. It took years of contemplative self-examination to work through these beliefs.

Many people carry similar beliefs because like me, they accept the narrative dictated by their childhood experiences and find it difficult to rewrite a new story.

This narrative is held together so tightly and given life over the years.

Vishen Lakhiani writes in The Code of the Extraordinary Mind: 10 Unconventional Laws to Redefine Your Life and Succeed On Your Own Terms that beliefs are ingrained in us from a young age and kept alive: “Our beliefs about the world and our systems for functioning in the world are all embedded in us through the flow and progression of culture from the minds of the people around us into our baby brains.”

“But there’s just one problem. Many of these beliefs and systems are dysfunctional, and while the intention is that these ideas should guide us, in reality they keep us locked into lives far more limited than what we’re truly capable of.”

I’ve used many methods to explore my beliefs ranging from EFT, Byron Katie’s self-enquiry method The Work and Suze Casey’s Belief Re-Patterning.

The one thing I realised from exploring my beliefs is that they are always fictional. Most times, they are distorted based on my interpretation of events.

For example, recall my earlier belief of my father’s statement: “Nothing I do is ever good enough?” I interpreted this to mean: “I am not good enough.”

The mind is notorious for distorting events and this is why you should examine your beliefs to know if they are true. You wouldn’t sign a contract on a lease that is fifty years old, because times have changed. The lease must reflect the current times.

The same is true of beliefs. Many people seldom renew the contract with themselves. And when they do, it’s often too late in the game to help them.

In most instances, when a belief is formed the events surrounding it are real. Nonetheless, it’s important to examine and update the beliefs as your life conditions change.

Similarly, your beliefs about yourself relate to the relationship you have with yourself. In my case, I felt unworthy as a teenager and young adult because of the belief I reinforced throughout my life.

This was reflected through my relationships with others whether personal, professional or intimate. Life was manifesting what I held at the level of my thoughts.

It requires courage, discipline and patience to work through your beliefs. This entails revisiting old memories and past hurts and looking at them through the lens of the person you are now.

Integrating Your Fractured Parts

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”—C.G. Jung

If you are in pain now and look back on your past through the lens of hurt and suffering, you will bring more pain and suffering in to the present moment.

You must investigate your beliefs at a deeper level while looking for the greater lesson within those experiences.

In my case, my self-esteem issues related to developing a stronger self-worth and learning to love and accept myself.

I came to appreciate the wholeness of my being and rewrote the karmic script of my past. I realised my beliefs of unworthiness were pointing me towards self-love and compassion.

This is the narrative of your life story and each of us has a different theme that interweaves itself throughout our life.

Your task is not to fight it, but to uncover the truth buried within the rubble of confusion.

Any time you create a distorted belief at an impressionable period of your life and carry it through adulthood, it will grow stronger.

It’s imperative to challenge the belief to see whether there’s any truth contained in that narrative.

Author and psychologist Rick Hanson explains in Resilient: 12 Tools For Transforming Everyday Experiences Into Lasting Happiness how to investigate your beliefs: “Challenge beliefs that are exaggerated or untrue by thinking of reasons why they are wrong. Try to see the big picture. Whatever has happened is probably a short chapter in the long book of your life.”

To be intentionally aware means to shift the spotlight onto your beliefs and expose them through an inquisitive mind, instead of a mind caught up in pain and suffering.

You must be willing to probe and investigate your beliefs to examine the undercurrent that supports them.

Otherwise, like a dam held together by rotten wood, they will give way so the water overflows. This is what many people experience and call it a midlife crisis.

Beneath the crisis, repressed beliefs and disempowering emotions have been brewing until the mind-body cannot take it any longer and it comes gushing out.

If your beliefs about yourself are less than uplifting and vested in self-love, it is a call to connect with the part of you that seeks to be healed.

Transformation does not mean you are broken. I’ve repeated this message often in articles because it’s important to understand.

Transformation means integrating the fractured parts of your psyche into the wholeness of your character.

Only then will you come to realise the beliefs and feelings about yourself are no less than pure love and joy.

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How To Wake Up To The Part Of You That You Haven’t Learned To Love

Your Gifts Are Disguised As Problems

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”– Buddha

I’d like to take you on a journey into yourself, to the part you haven’t learned to love.

Why am I qualified to write about this, let alone believe you need self-love?

Reflect on a time where you experienced negative emotions such as: anger, frustration, hate, anxiety, fear or worry?

If you experienced these emotions more than frequently, you need self-love more than you realise.

This is not a patronising statement to minimise your self-worth. Any time you experience disempowering emotions, it is a call to wake up to parts of you you’ve ignored.

Think of a time you were accused of something by another person and were offended by the allegation.

Perhaps you retaliated in anger and inflamed the situation, thus experiencing a flood of toxic emotions.

I use the words toxic and disempowering to describe lower emotional states, in contrast to emotions of a higher frequency such as love, peace, joy, etc.

What you consider challenging in your life is a gift disguised as problems, to bring you back to the wholeness of yourself.

To reunite with the oneness of your being requires taking the journey into yourself.

It involves connecting with your forgotten self. You will recognise this part of you when you let go of the beliefs, ideas and stories you believe to be true.

This authentic self is real and you will recognise it the moment you get a glimpse of it.

Often, people come into your life to awaken you to your greater self. They are a gift bearing life lessons and experiences you didn’t know you needed until that time.

They won’t appear in the form you expect, however, they will force you to examine the fragmented parts you’ve dissociated with.

Author Matt Kahn explains in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You how to draw your awareness to your body and notice what the pain or strong emotions are inviting you to connect with: “Just by bringing greater attention to the part of your body where strong emotions or physical pain linger, you are loosening each layer of cellular memory to assist in another moment of healing.”

How Others View You Is Never About You

“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits—anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.”– Kim McMillen

The following is something I experienced years ago and helped me to reconnect with parts of me I had overlooked at the time.

I’d known my friend for many years, yet there was a point in our friendship where he was constantly criticising me for my life choices.

This caused tension between us and there came a point where I was ready to abandon the friendship altogether because of the constant criticism. I felt as though our friendship had disintegrated beyond repair and I was ready to walk away.

However, looking back, I realise that my friend was a gift in a form I didn’t recognise. He forced me to look deep within myself and heal the part of me I was at war with.

I was easily offended by his criticism and felt justified because of the hurt I experienced. I neglected to realise the negative emotions were really a mask inviting me to love and integrate my fractured parts.

Matt Khan states: “As a remedy, it is important to remember that how others view you is never about you at all. While they can share their views and opinions about who you are in their play, it doesn’t have to match up with who you know yourself to be.”

I possessed the qualities he was criticising in me, otherwise I wouldn’t have been offended by it.

Have you noticed when somebody judges you for something you believe is untrue, you are less likely to take offence because it seems ridiculous?

This happens when you integrate the fractured parts of your psyche into the oneness of your being.

Awaken From Your Sleep

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”– Thich Nhat Hanh

When you are judged by another person, they too possess that quality you are being judged for. If you are insulted, you are identifying with the judgement and must heal that part of yourself.

Matt Kahn explains how what you take offence to is the process of healing through your nervous system: “On a cellular level, whenever a person has an emotional reaction, their nervous system is releasing layers of conditioning.”

So when others point the finger at you, it is symbolic of directing you back to yourself. It may not seem that way because your ego is inflamed.

However, if you allow the dust to settle and look deep into yourself, you will realise the seed of what you are being accused of is present within you.

Your accusers may appear like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, yet they are a gift because they force you to come home to yourself, instead of identifying with your unintegrated parts.

If it hurts to hear what they are accusing you of, it means you are not seeing how that quality can help you awaken from your sleep.

It is calling you to let go of judging yourself and love the part of you that is: hurt, angry, betrayed or let down.

I’m not suggesting you not be upset by their accusations because this would be insensitive of you. I’m inviting you to feel the pain and look deep within yourself to heal the part of you that is irritated by the pain.

It was the Buddha who proclaimed centuries ago: “Painful feelings arose, but they did not invade my mind and remain.”

Part of you wants to come home to your core self.

This part is the integration of all that you are and will ever be. It is awaiting your return when you let go of the storyline the ego espouses.

The process of awakening and enlightenment requires seeing past the falsehoods of the ego and reuniting with the wholeness of your core nature.

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How Accepting Your Challenges Opens The Door To Major Breakthroughs

Don’t Stow Away Your Pain

“Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory.”—George S. Patton

Accepting your challenges opens the door to major breakthroughs, and the hidden opportunities surrounding them.

To run away from your problems without facing the real issue only delays the healing process.

Challenges can be difficult, especially when they emerge out of nowhere, whether it be: personal, professional, health-related, financial or relationships. They cut deep into your psyche and can leave you feeling vulnerable.

They erode your self-esteem if you put off dealing with the issue for a later time. This is because you are not engaging your inner resources to overcome the challenge.

Whilst I concede this may be a simplified example of what I’m trying to convey. If you wish to get stronger in the gym yet choose weights you can easily lift, there’s little chance you will gain the strength required.

However, if you step out of your comfort zone and increase the weights, you are on your way to building stronger muscles because you are stretching yourself each time.

Author and psychologist Rick Hanson explains in Resilient: 12 Tools For Transforming Everyday Experiences Into Lasting Happiness how your inner resources can help you to become more resilient to face your challenges: “Mental resources like determination, self-worth, and kindness are what make us resilient: able to cope with adversity and push through challenges in the pursuit of opportunities.”

To accept your challenges means to acknowledge what you’re experiencing. Most people run away from their problems or stuff under the carpet believing they will disappear—out of mind out of sight they say.

Yet, what you stow away is likely to build energy and come back to trouble you later, when you least expect it.

I’ve worked with emotions on a personal level and with clients over the years. I noticed that people who repress their emotions by stowing them away, will have them come back in the form of pain, illness or worse still: disease.

Whilst it may take years or decades, putting off what requires your attention awards it more power.

Fulfilling Your Personal Evolution

“Success is due to our stretching to the challenges of life. Failure comes when we shrink from them.”—John C. Maxwell

The key to accepting challenges lies in engaging your inner resolve and personal fortitude. In rising to the challenge you learn to face your difficulties instead of cower in defeat.

You become a warrior with your sword as your weapon of courage and your heart as your shield of protection.

You realise that every battle you engage in is an opportunity to strengthen your character.

Author Jonathan Fields offers an insightful observation in How to Live a Good Life on how your greatest breakthroughs are often preceded by uncertainty: “There’s this odd irony in life. I wish it weren’t so. Every breakthrough is preceded by great uncertainty. If you think about it, this makes sense…Life’s greatest moments live in the space between desire and attainment.”

As you realise, breakthroughs are rarely found in a comfortable setting, but through hardship and misfortune. My greatest discoveries emerged through despair, heartache and loss.

Whilst I didn’t know it, when the pain and disappointment recedes, what’s left is far greater than I could have expected had I stayed in my comfort zone.

Acknowledging your challenges means to welcome what is taking place in your life, instead of pushing it away hoping it will resolve itself; it seldom does.

Rick Hanson says: “Challenging things happen to every person, and determination is the steadfast fortitude we draw on to endure, cope with, and survive them. A person can be wounded, frail—and very determined.”

Often what you push away will come back to you in a different form until you have made peace with it.

For example, if you are victimised at work by a colleague, to avoid dealing with the situation only intensifies the pain. Your anger and frustration is turned inwards because of your inability to confront the perpetrator.

Whilst the colleague may eventually leave the company, another person may show up in your life at a later period exhibiting the same qualities. Then you are back where you started.

Pain and troubles follow you because as author Neil Gaiman says: “Wherever you go, you take yourself with you.”

You cannot escape yourself even if you change locations or move to the other side of the world. Your problems are uniquely yours and will appear in different forms until you have dealt with them.

For this reason, I believe life is an earth school though there is no test other than fulfilling your personal evolution throughout the journey. Challenges continue to arise until you gain the lessons embedded in the experiences.

That is why many people continue to attract the wrong partner in a relationship, which may go on for years, until they reconcile their beliefs or heal their childhood wounds.

Whilst these experiences are disheartening, they require introspection, courage and determination to examine the parts of your life that need healing.

This doesn’t mean you are broken, rather it requires tending to the fractured parts of your psyche which will lead to the integration into the wholeness of your being.

Challenges Reveal Dormant Powers

“Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.”—Napoleon Hill

I don’t believe life punishes you through your challenges inasmuch as it provides vital experiences from which to grow and expand.

Inner growth takes place in the harshest conditions, not in fertile surroundings.

To accept your challenges requires trusting the experience is perfectly orchestrated to help you awaken your greatest power.

As you lean into your challenges, your inner genie comes to life and helps you overcome your problems. To retreat only delays the healing and transformation process.

Nevertheless, not all battles must be fought and one must know when to walk away from challenges they cannot win.

For the most part, the heart of an enlightened warrior leans into their challenges knowing their mental and emotional resiliency is realised in battle.

Your challenges are enrichments for your soul, since they help you to fulfil your destiny, regardless if you know it.

Challenges reveal dormant powers within you. Were it not for them, you would stay in your comfort zone.

Whilst I concede it is easy to dwell in the obscurity of the familiar, you must try to engage your greater self more often, to awaken your dormant powers.

“We often feel powerless facing situations that we know are critical to our success but are so difficult to perform because they are outside our comfort zones. The reality is that we do have power to overcome these challenges,” writes Andy Molinsky in Reach: The New Strategy to Help You Build Confidence and Step Outside Your Comfort Zone.

So whatever is taking place in your life whether it be a challenge, pain, suffering or something you have put off, I invite you to yield to it.

For it was the greatest mind of the Twentieth Century, Albert Einstein who once proclaimed: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”

You must look upon your challenges with an open mind as though a friend looking at your situation for the first time.

Consider all possibilities and leave nothing to chance.

Invest in yourself and let go of limiting beliefs and disempowering emotions.

Release and reset becomes your anthem.

Leave nothing to chance and cover your basis.

You have what it takes to overcome any challenge life presents you.

The seed of power lies in your ability to face the challenge, thus opening the door to major breakthroughs.

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Motivation Doesn’t Last, Nor Do You Want It To. Here’s What Does

Examine Your Urges

“There are only two ways to influence human behaviour: you can manipulate it or you can inspire it.”—Simon Sinek

Motivation doesn’t last because it diminishes the moment challenges arise.

Humans are emotional creatures and while we have highly sophisticated forebrains, our actions are dictated by our limbic brain.

Your actions are driven by unconscious desires that dwell deep in your reptilian brain, comprising of the brain stem and cerebellum. Its purpose centres on physical survival and the homoeostasis of your body.

Its primary function is to preserve your survival and control movement, breathing, reproduction and other basic survival needs.

It controls unconscious actions and is resistant to change. Even when starting a new habit, your attempts can be hijacked by the reptilian brain.

The thinking brain accounts for approximately 20% of your decision-making which explains why behavioural change is often met with resistance.

Most people live on autopilot and are dictated by their instincts which means the reptilian brain is in command.

The problem occurs when you give in to gratification instead of engaging the logical mind to examine these urges.

Motivation doesn’t last because it is a fleeting incident repeatedly commandeered by your unconscious desires, even despite your best intentions.

I liken it to having someone place their hand on your back to keep you moving forward. If they remove their hand, you are likely to lose your motivation.

It was the late American motivational speaker Jim Rohn who once said: “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” He knew that motivation alone is not enough to sustain your efforts.

I believe Sound Habits + A Compelling WHY are two important components that will help you achieve your goals and success.

The HOW, the WHAT and the WHY

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

I’ve coached hundreds of people over the past decade, ranging from athletes to CEOs and the one key factor that often comes up in coaching sessions is the subject of feelings.

People often say they don’t feel motivated to act or commit to a habit because they are responding to their emotional brain and give in to its demands.

I like author and doctor Kyra Bobinet’s perspective in her book Well Designed Life: 10 Lessons In Brain Science & Design Thinking For A Mindful, Healthy, & Purposeful Life: “When people say things like “I need to get motivated,” what I think they really are saying is “I want to feel stronger about doing this, and I hope that will get me to do it.” They are saying motivation, but really, they are talking about emotion.”

So if motivation doesn’t last, what does?

I’m glad you asked.

What is required is a powerful WHY?

According to motivational author Simon Sinek, many people and organisations focus on the HOW and WHAT as their primary motivators.

In his Golden Circle principle, the HOW and WHAT occupy the outer rings of the circle, while the WHY fills the centre.

The WHAT is the role of the neocortex which is responsible for rational, analytical thought and language.

The HOW is governed by the limbic brain, responsible for your feelings, trust and loyalty. It governs human behaviour and decision-making and has no capacity for language.

The WHY is ruled by the limbic brain and handles intuition and decision-making.

What this all means is when you have a commanding WHY you are likely to associate powerful emotions to your actions that leads to a greater chance of success.

Authors Jeff Brown and Mark Fenske explain in The Winner’s Brain: 8 Strategies Great Minds Use to Achieve Success how to better manage your emotions instead of allowing them to dictate your life: “The difference between a Winner’s Brain and an average brain is that Winners make a point of directing their emotions in productive ways. They don’t simply spew out emotions in an uncontrolled or thoughtless manner; they are highly sensitive to their emotional responses (even the negative ones) so that emotions can make positive contributions to current and long-term goals.”

To highlight an example, I’m currently working with a young lady who is a woman’s soccer referee. Jane (not her real name) was injured over 12 months ago when she rolled her ankle on a dry section of a soccer pitch during a game.

Whilst her injury did not require surgery, she suffered a grade II tear to the ligaments in her ankle which required twelve months of rehabilitation.

In our first meeting, I asked Jane what she enjoyed about being a soccer referee (WHY?). This was difficult for her to answer, and I had to probe further.

However, by the end of the session she stated her motivation to be a soccer referee stemmed from her childhood memories of going to soccer games with her father. She could recall the smell of the grass and experienced a flood of emotions as she recounted the experience to me.

I could see tears filling up in her eyes and I knew we had found a strong reason to help regain her full health again.

The good news is that Jane has made a full recovery and is now back refereeing because of one simple reason. She associated a compelling WHY that inspired her to show up each week to do the work because she knew it was too important to leave to motivation.

Take The Emotional Journey Into Yourself

“Happiness comes from what we do. Fulfilment comes from why we do it.” ― Simon Sinek

I’ve worked with many other similar people and the common theme throughout is helping them to uncover their WHY well before they act.

I’m not saying motivation doesn’t exist or there isn’t a place for it. Based on my experience, a powerful WHY trumps motivation every time because motivation is like a fuse and burns out quickly.

Typically, I will also help my clients establish sound habits to support their goals and draw their awareness to the change cycle.

Motivation alone doesn’t guarantee results, nor can you rely on it because it comes and goes.

Everyone is motivated at the beginning of a new habit, goal or project, yet six months later the individual is unmotivated. This is when life gets in the way or when unexpected challenges arise.

In Jane’s case, four weeks out from her fitness test to qualify as a referee, she developed inflammation in her knee which required scaling back her training program.

Most people would give up, however Jane realised the goal was too important because her WHY meant more to her than the short term setback of an injured knee.

Thankfully, she managed the injury through a refined exercise program instead of giving up.

I appreciate the schools of thought that say: grit, resiliency and a growth mindset is paramount to achieving your goals.

Whilst I agree, if you do not have a convincing WHY, it is unlikely you will achieve success based on these principles alone.

Ask yourself the following questions before undertaking a goal or project to get clear on your primary motivation:

Why is this goal/project important to me?

What will it mean if I achieve this goal/project?

Will I be fulfilled if I achieve this goal/project?

In relation to the first question, when you have answered it, continue asking WHY until you reach an emotional point where you experience tears or are moved by your answer.

This process must be an emotional journey into yourself because you are trying to tap into the limbic brain.

Only then you will discover the real reason you are pursuing a specific goal or action.

After all, if you don’t understand the reason behind your motivation, what use is the goal to you when it is achieved?

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How To Awaken Compassion And Find True Refuge From Within Your Heart

Finding Refuge Within Your Heart

“Compassion will no longer be seen as a spiritual luxury for a contemplative few; rather it will be viewed as a social necessity for the entire human family.”—Duane Elgin

Compassion is part of your true nature since you are the embodiment of love.

You are familiar with compassion by virtue of feeding, clothing and tending to your own needs. Compassion is extending these qualities to others and recognising the same humanity that is alive in you.

Compassion is the recognition of our shared togetherness as sentient beings. Knowing we are connected through consciousness, we walk this journey together unified with our hearts and minds.

You feel one another’s pain and share their joy because what you feel within is also active in others.

Psychologist Rick Hanson explains in his recent book Resilient: 12 Tools For Transforming Everyday Experiences Into Lasting Happiness that compassion is activated within us the more we engage it: “The key to growing any psychological resource, including compassion, is to have repeated experiences of it that get turned into lasting changes in neural structure or function. It’s like recording a song on an old-fashioned tape recorder: as the song plays—as you experience the resource—you can help it leave a physical trace behind in your nervous system.”

To awaken compassion is to give and receive love. It is a heart-centred focus of reaching out to a fellow human being and sharing kindness and empathy.

I recognise my sacredness and acknowledge this presence within you.

True refuge denotes coming home to your heart and touching the oneness of your being.

Compassion and finding refuge within your heart are soulmates coexisting in a sea of unity; a marriage bonded through devotedness.

“Knowing in your heart that you are a basically good person is a true refuge. No matter the ups and downs of successes and failures, loves and losses, you can find comfort and strength in this knowledge,” affirms Rick Hanson.

Coming Home To Yourself

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.”—Proverb

To awaken compassion requires moving your awareness into your heart. I wrote in an earlier article Knowing The Language Of The Heart and outlined ways to discern this language.

If you are continually absorbed in your thoughts, you are at the mercy of succumbing to them and creating stress in your life.

Thoughts can be volatile if you don’t understand their function. This requires self-understanding to recognise you are not your thoughts but the receiver of the thoughts.

I’m not suggesting you ignore your thoughts, I’m proposing that you understand their mechanism in order to better navigate life.

If you wish to awaken compassion, you must practice it often and develop a two-way communication with your heart. If you are unable to recognise the stirring of your heart, you miss out on perceiving its consciousness.

Psychotherapist and author David Richo states in The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them: “The most precious realities of human life are beyond our grasp but within the mystery of our hearts.”

Finding refuge within your heart is like returning home after being abroad for years. You are drawn to the familiarity and the sense of love; the freedom of being yourself.

This feeling is experienced by those in romantic relationships who speak of the togetherness shared by one another; a returning home when in the company of their beloved.

What they’re really experiencing is coming home to themselves. The other person awakens the love within their own heart, resonated back through heart coherence.

You awaken compassion in the same way you express kindness to your fellow beings.

A practice I perform often is to send thoughts of love and kindness to complete strangers when I’m walking in my city.

I silently affirm to myself as a person passes me in the street: “May you be safe. May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you live with ease.”

I feel peaceful and any thoughts of anger, hostility or fear are washed away because a mind at peace cannot be at war with itself.

I awaken compassion when I send loving thoughts to others because what I wish for them must be first experienced within me. To send love to another person, I must have the seed of that emotion present within me. I am merely awakening its presence.

True refuge is a heartfelt purity of love. To come home to yourself means awakening your soul nature so what is sent forth is returned in full measure.

Consider the message from author Matt Kahn who writes in Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You of the need to foster an open-hearted dialogue with oneself: “An open heart is the end result of providing the kindness, care, support, and attention that only you were designed to offer yourself.”

The Language Of The Heart

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honourable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you want to experience love and compassion in your life, try the exercise I outlined earlier for 30 days and note how you feel. Send kind and loving thoughts to complete strangers and wish them well.

Even while you are sending other people loving thoughts, you are simultaneously awakening love and compassion within you. It is about priming your mind and opening your heart to compassion as the seeds of love.

As you create a sanctuary for love to reside, you stir these emotions within you.

Similarly, if you judge or criticise yourself or others, stop and move into your heart and notice what is taking place. I often liken the mind to a Tesla car set on autopilot and driving on a freeway.

To regain control of the vehicle you must grasp the steering wheel to disable the autopilot.

I invite you to do the same when you move into your heart. Take control by directing the flow of kindness and compassion. Don’t leave it to the mind’s autopilot to sabotage your efforts.

It is difficult for the mind to overpower this union if you are committed to honouring the intention of a loving kindness dialogue.

Your heart is an amazing faculty, capable of perceiving information well before the mind can make sense of it, according to the HeartMath Institute

The heart senses long before reason takes hold.

If you do not recognise the language of the heart, it is because your thoughts are obscuring it to gain your attention.

“One auspicious moment at a time, an open heart gifts you with masterful relationships, artful communication, and an alignment of perfection that no limiting belief can ever comprehend,” avows Matt Kahn.

To awaken compassion is to develop a shared relationship with your heart, so you are giving and receiving love.

True refuge involves uniting with the oneness of your soul, so the love permeates throughout your entire being.

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When You Must Make A Choice, Always Choose The One That Cultivates Your Personal Growth

Become Someone Of Character

“One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”―Abraham H. Maslow

When you’re faced with a choice in life, always choose the one that will promote your personal growth instead of taking the easy way.

Whilst I concede the easier choice can be less complicated than enduring pain and suffering, it might not be the best decision.

Don’t leave your personal growth to chance, otherwise you will regret not abiding by your values.

Choices aligned with your personal growth are seldom easy, yet are worth it because of the investment in yourself. Every choice draws you closer to the person you intend to be or further away.

Choices are your barometer for navigating life, so avoid making ones that are easy now but difficult later.

Author Charlie Harary explains in Unlocking Greatness: The Unexpected Journey from the Life You Have to the Life You Want that your choices have a long lasting effect in your life: “It’s your choice how to respond to challenges, how to live in the moment, and whether you will fight for excellence in everything you do.”

Become someone of character, even when others don’t notice. Character relates to the relationship you have with yourself foremost and others.

Sometimes you won’t know how resilient you are until it counts. It is during these times your inner resolve will be known, hence the purpose of your growth.

Consider personal growth as insurance you draw on, but something that is stockpiled the more you engage it.

For example, Navy SEALs train for years and may be called upon for active duty in rare situations. However, they hone their mental and physical training knowing nothing can be left to chance.

You should apply the same discipline and dedication to your personal growth. Be meticulous in choosing growth over the easy path.

Choose The Path Of Betterment And Excellence

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”—Viktor Frankl

You are always making choices, even when you can’t decide that is still a choice. Consider the following questions when you find yourself conflicted between two choices and unable to decide:

Will I regret this decision later on?

Am I upholding my values and integrity?

What will I gain by making this decision?

What will I lose by making this decision?

Sometimes, it will mean stepping out of your comfort zone.

Sometimes, it will mean being uncomfortable or embarrassed before your peers, family and friends.

Sometimes, it will mean making choices that offer no return or appease someone to bring peace to a situation. In these instances, you are choosing your personal growth and reinforcing your strength of character.

Sometimes you are required to take risks which may conflict with your self-esteem and personal character. However, it is unwise to trade in your values since that is the one true measure you cannot rebuild.

Motivational guru Brendon Burchard writes in The Motivation Manifesto of the need to build our character because of how we relate to the world: “If we are to measure and monitor and improve anything, let it be our story, our character, and our conduct—a mindfulness of who we are and how we are experiencing and relating with the world.”

Recently, the Australian cricket team has made the news for the wrong reasons, regarding the ball tampering debacle. Three players, including the team captain and vice-captain have brought the team and country into disrepute because of their actions.

We’ve seen this widespread across many sports including cycling, where disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong was stripped of his seven Tour de France victories.

Whilst their actions will be long forgotten and forgiven in time, they will always be remembered as less than sporting heroes for their actions.

Not all of us will be faced with making such choices, though it shows how our actions have a ripple effect in our lives and the lives of others.

For that reason, choose the path of betterment and excellence because it is lined with moral character. If you deviate from this path, it may be impossible to navigate your way back.

Pursue Character And Integrity

“All growth depends upon activity. There is no development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means work.”—Calvin Coolidge

Many people experience problems in their lives because they choose the easy path. Everyone is looking for shortcuts, whether it be in: business, health, finance or relationships. The craving for success without committing oneself to the task is an attractive undertaking many go in search of.

As you know, what comes quickly may not be long-lasting.

For example, if you want to be in an intimate relationship, you may need to put the other person’s interests before yours. You will need to be a good listener and give of your time to nurture the relationship.

In this example, choosing personal growth means investing in others before your needs are met, which reinforces your character.

If you walk away with one key point from this piece that is: Always choose actions that pull you closer to the person you want to become, even if it means walking away from something you aim to profit from.

Good character and values are scarce nowadays, since many are unwilling to invest in themselves. We have become a throwaway society with less than optimal values and character. It’s rare to meet a person with strong values because most people are lured by the notion of: “What’s in it for me?”

What’s in it for you may not be what’s in it for others. Personal growth will require you to put other people before you, so it matters in the long run.

It’s what the late Stephen Covey talked about in The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People with Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood.

Decide what’s important to you and follow the principles as best you can. Pursue character and integrity as your highest moral code if that is who you intend to be.

“Greatness is a choice. You have to choose to unlock the greatness within. Sometimes all it takes is turning a simple key. Sometimes it takes a hatchet. Sometimes it takes a mound of TNT. And sometimes it just takes the persistence of being there, knocking again and again until that door finally opens,” affirms Charlie Harary.

Choosing the path of good moral character can be a lonely road because not all people walk the path, so you will be required to walk it alone.

Do so anyway.

The one key principle is the relationship you have with yourself which cannot be taken from you, so guard it fiercely so you evolve into someone you are proud to be.

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